My Perfect Gift for a Cellist
“Viiinyyyl…”
“Yeees, Tavi?”
“What is that?”
“What is what?”
“You know exactly what I mean, Vinyl.”
“I really have no clue what you’re talking about.”
“Okay, let me try and make myself clearer then. See my hoof here?”
“Yes. It’s a damn sexy hoof at that, I have to say.”
“Great. Can you also see where said hoof is pointing at?”
“Yeah. I can see that very clearly.”
“Amazing. Now, tell me, Vinyl, what is it this hoof is pointing at?”
“A book?”
“Probably not. Try again.”
“The Ancient Fires of Har-Kuun?”
“Two out of three. One more chance before I’ll slap you to next Thursday, Vinyl.”
“Okay, okay! Calm down! It’s a purple, life-sized cello made of rubber.”
“A rubber cello.”
“Yes, that’s what I just said.”
“You got me that as a gift.”
“Yes, a rubber cello. A little Hearts and Hooves Day gift for my sweet Tavi.”
“Your gift to me for Hearts and Hooves Day was a life-size cello made of rubber.”
“You’re really great at repeating things, Tavi!”
“Vinyl, I have a question: Why is your Hearts and Hooves Day gift to me a giant dildo shaped after a cello?”
“Well, you always say you love music and that you love your cello even more.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“That your ‘gift’ to me for Hearts and Hooves Day is a dildo shaped after a cello, Vinyl.”
“Your point being?”
“My point is that you gifted me a cello that I can literally love.”
“I still don’t see the problem. That is exactly the idea.”
“Well, for starters, a giant dildo shaped after a cello was not what I had in mind when I originally said I love cellos. Not at all.”
“Not even a little bit?”
“No.”
“Huh.”
“‘Huh’ indeed, Vinyl.”
“But hey, apart from it being made of rubber it looks almost like a real cello!”
“The bridge looks like it was specifically designed to be ridden on.”
“Everypony always dreamed to be a Cowgirl. For cellos. A Cellogirl.”
“The F-Holes look like they suddenly became literal.”
“At least their name finally makes sense again!”
“The endpin is a butt plug.”
“Heh, get it? End pin?”
“And the scroll, pegbox, and neck on the very top are shaped after a giant dick.”
“Yes, but it wobbles! Here, look! Wobble, wobble, wobble!”
“…”
“Everything alright, Tavi?”
“When I said I’d slap you to next Thursday I lied. I actually meant next forever.”
“You’re so cute when you’re angry.”
“I’m not joking, Vinyl.”
“You should see how red your cheeks are getting! Adorable!”
“Three…”
“Like, I’m not even joking. I’d nail you right here and now if we weren’t in public!”
“Two…”
“Oh wait, good that you raise your hoof. I almost forgot.”
“Wha–”
“Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, Tavi!”
“…”
“Well, say something!”
“Vinyl…”
“Yeees, Tavi?”
“What is this?”
“The other part of the rubber cello: a rubber bow.”
“May I ask you why it also looks like a butt plug on this end?”
“As much as I’m going to love seeing you smile and have fun with the cello in front of me, I can’t leave all that fun to you.”
“You gifted me this rubber cello so I could masturbate with it.”
“Yes.”
“In front of your eyes.”
“Absolutely.”
“While you please yourself with the rubber cello bow that came with it.”
“To be honest, nopony told me it’d cost extra. Those scammers!”
“I’m quite surprised the strings feel real.”
“They are real, Tavi. I actually went the extra mile to the music store just to buy those.”
“You know why I’m surprised?”
“Not really. Why?”
“Because you probably don’t have any idea what it feels like to get hit by a cello bow in the face.”
“Let me correct you right there, because I actually do.”
“I can’t recall incoherent BDSM nights, Vinyl.”
“You’re a completely different mare with the right amount of cider.”
“I’m also a completely different mare when I have a purple rubber bow with real strings on it in my hoof.”
“Oh wait, I forgot your other present.”
“To Celestia I swear, Vinyl, if this is another music-related sex toy–”
“Happy Hearts and Hooves Day!”
“Wait… what? Is… Is this a new bowtie?”
“Indeed! A new pink bowtie for my sweet Tavi!”
“Oh, Vinyl… And I almost thought all hope was lost with you. Thank you so much!”
“Always welcome. I made sure to get one exactly like your current one. I know how much you hate changes.”
“Yes, that’s a problem for me, isn’t it? Though I must admit, my old bowtie was getting pretty dirty already.”
“And it stopped being completely pink. I don’t even want to know what you did to make that happen.”
“Time happened, Vinyl.”
“Could be. Anyway, let me help you. Here, just a second. Aaand… Et voilà!”
“Thanks.”
“Ahh, you look so pretty…”
“Heh, thanks.”
“Prettier than ever…”
“Really, thanks.”
“I never saw how pretty you actually were before just now…”
“Okay, you can stop now.”
“This perfectly pink bowtie mixed with your perfectly not-pink mane and fur…”
“Stop.”
“All topped off with this perfect set of rubber cello and rubber bow.”
“I will not fap in front of you with this thing, Vinyl.”
“Dammit.”
“Which, as you can see, is still held in my hoof.”
“Waiting to unleash its musical power.”
“Waiting to unleash its physical power on you.”
“Yeah, unleash the power on me!”
“A bow to the head can really hurt, you know.”
“Yes! Play me like a cello!”
“…”
“Seduce me into making Electro-Classic crossovers with you… the hot way!”
“Please look at your cutie mark.”
“My cutie mark? Yes, I could see why you’d want some of my hot flank~”
“No, I actually meant the eighth notes.”
“Huh?”
“I will play blast beats on your head.”
“Since when are you into Death Metal?”
“Since you came into my life.”
“Oh cool. What are your favorite bands?”
“Mostly those singing about the misery of cellists that have chosen to live their lives with DJs.”
“Brutal.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Yeah, totes. So, is it fair to assume you don’t like your gift?”
“Yes. I’m pleased you are starting to see your sanity returning.”
“We can play some brutal blast beats later on.”
“And I think I can add some symphonic elements too.”
“Am I seeing a smile on your face, Tavi?”
“Yes. It’s a little symphony I wrote a while ago.”
“Cool, what’s it called?”
“Vinyl Scratch: Agony and Ecstasy in Eight Parts.”
“Wow, that sounds awesome! What are the parts?”
“Part one: Octavia will raise the bow she got from Vinyl Scratch.”
“Interesting opening. What’s next?”
“Part two: Vinyl Scratch will run.”
“Why would I do so?”
“Part three: There won’t be a part four.”
“Will there be a part five?”
“No. But there will be a part eight.
“Which is?”
“Hospital.”
“Wait what?”
“You have ten seconds of prelude to run.”
Author's Note
Story Two in my Dialogue-only Cycle:
Last Night, Pinkie Pie Exploded – My Perfect Gift for a Cellist – Let Me Tell You Where This Will End – Woohoo, We’re about to Crash – And Then Our House Went Boom
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