Ponyville Police Department
Juvenile Records Division
Incident Report #1
Recording Officer: Bobbi Brassie
Statute(s) Violated: EQ 3:17:1: Noise Pollution
Violator Name(s): Apple Bloom #1, Scootaloo #2, Sweetie Belle #3
Incident: Multiple ponies reported 'unprincessly caterwauling', 'assaults on the very concept of Harmony itself', and multiple suspicions of piano murder in progress emanating from the northwest section of Sweet Apple Acres. Upon arrival at site, was met by proprietor/guardian of Violator #1 and escorted to clubhouse located in indicated zone of farmland. Violators were found on location. Brief interview with all juveniles found a common story: working on project for talent show. Checked with proprietor/guardian for confirmation, viewed on-site documentation originally provided by Cheerilee verifying official school assignment.
Actions Taken: Asked kids to keep it down. Recommended Violator #2 stop trying to do her composition work with her face. Remanded to custody/supervision of proprietor/guardian.
Recommendations: No discipline or court action of any kind necessary. They were getting a little frustrated with their lack of progress and momentarily misplaced their concept of volume control. If I'm called back out before the talent show wraps up, I'll give them a more stern caution, but I'm certain they listened to the first one: all three truly seemed to be paying attention, allowing for #2 possibly being a little concussed from the keyboard impacts.
Let's just file this under Kids Will Be Kids and let it go.
(I was the stupidest pony ever.)
Incident Report #12
Statute(s) Violated: EQ 17:1:1: Creation Of Air Hazards
Incident: Within span of four hours, six pegasi came into police station complaining of having been 'clotheslined' on their way to work. Questioning revealed that they had all been taking the same shortcut through a section of Sweet Apple Acres, flying what they considered to be a standard (if semi-trespassing) route, when they suddenly felt what was eventually described as a hard, high-speed blow to the neck. Travel to indicated area found a large number of sturdy ropes strung throughout the area, running in slightly dipping lines, all starting from multiple high points just above makeshift wood platforms, with very few terminating close to ground level. There were also multiple odd loops which could be slid along the top. (See enclosed sketch.)
(And nopony bothered. They never bothered.)
One rope had been burned through near a center point: cause unknown. Inspection for field signatures came up empty.
(As usual!)
Questioning of rope supplier in town found violators asked to 'borrow' equipment two days prior: ropes were apparently abandoned in place until work week began and thus remained undiscovered until incidents occurred. Located all three violators and conducted casual field interrogation, during which they immediately admitted they had been attempting for one or more to gain their marks in something called 'zip-lining'.
Actions Taken: Long lecture concerning how earth pony, pegasus too young for full flight capabilities, and unicorn were, in taking such a route, much more likely to earn marks in Getting Themselves Killed. Violators #1 and #3 appeared to pay attention: #2 made very obvious show of yawning at several points.
(See? She was doing it almost from the START!!! I bet there wasn't any mild concussion that first time either!!!)
Attempts to fully engage her attention only resulted in more dramatic displays of faked boredom.
Escorted violators back to area and supervised while they removed all so-called 'zip-lines' and platforms, followed by taking them to supplier and making sure full intact stock was returned along with full restitution for ruined rope. #2 grumbled and made faces whenever she thought nopony was looking, but complied. Took all three back to their homes to find no parents/guardians present. Given approaching end of shift and lack of major injuries to the pegasi involved, I exercised my discretion and left them at their residences with official requests for parents/guardians to come and speak with me ASAP.
Recommendations: We may want to consider hauling these three in for a five-minute scare. Racking up this number of minor through moderate incidents over this given time should worry anypony -- and now not only do we have our third set of injuries to other ponies, but I have proof of their doing things which could easily get them hurt. I also recommend all officers spend ten instructive minutes in library learning about 'zip-lining', which I'm convinced is eight minutes more than they did. This stuff might be safe if done properly, but what these three set up wasn't it. The lines needed to be on a sharp, steady slant towards the ground and there was no braking equipment present on their version, let alone secondary safety lines -- plus everything should have been metal, including the lines themselves. I suspect friction heat from passage burned through rope. Based on the evidence showing plummet rebounds and crash zones, they are arguably lucky to be alive.
(And if I'd known what was coming, I'd have said we weren't!!!!)
Don't want to set up any talks at the school about this just yet because I'm guessing it'll only give everypony the idea to try whatever we just told them not to, but we've got to keep an eye out for this stuff before anypony gets seriously hurt.
Seriously, a little shock tactic might save somepony's life down the line. Can I get the department to set up the usual short play?
Incident Report #12: amendment
Statute(s) Violated: none (TECHNICALLY!!!!!)
Violator(s): ~~Scootaloo~~ (The #2 of DEATH!!!!!)
Incident: Stayed at work well past Moon-raising in order to wrap up some excess paperwork. On way home, encountered ~~Scootaloo~~ #2 skulking behind antiques shop, making very obvious efforts to stay out of sight. ~~She~~ #2 panicked when spotted and tried to make a break for it, so field was exerted to hold scooter motionless until I could catch up. Very briefly questioned ~~her~~ #2 about what she was doing out so late under Moon and was bluntly told that ~~she~~ #2 was "Trying to see where she could get a cannon at this hour." Sarcasm in statement not particularly detected.
Actions Taken: Escorted ~~her~~ #2 home immediately. Was told parents/guardians would not be back until tomorrow. Tried to make sure she was secured for the night and stood guard outside her home for two hours as a just-in-case. On way out of residence, noted waded-up piece of official-looking paper in trash. Certain it was my official request to meet with parents/guardians.
Recommendations: That play? First curtain should be tomorrow.
Incident Report #41
Statute(s) Violated: EQ 5:1:11: Fraud
EQ 24:29:3: Forcible Creation Of Fashion Victim(s) Against Their Will
Incident: Passed several ponies gathered in town square and noted angry muttering which seemed to center around determination to cause massive harm to minors. Also noticed that all coats of involved ponies showed extensive discoloration around necks and barrels. Questioning ponies involved discovered that they had purchased homemade scarves and saddlebags as part of a school fundraising project. Also that all items purchased had been poorly made, were only being bought to help the school, and Violator #3 had made a special point of mentioning how she had blended all the dyes personally. Chemical analysis of dye unsurprisingly revealed single worst possible choice of chemicals. All affected portions of victims' coats had to be shaved away and treated with ointments, which means we have nineteen bare-patched ponies in this town who are not happy about it. Brief, almost perfunctory stop at schoolhouse discovered no such fundraising project exists.
Actions Taken: Cornered violators after the usual chase and got their version of the story. #3 admitted to having made the dyes herself. Also to having skimmed that section of the book because it was so boring. #2, when pressed, said they'd planned on giving a little money to the school, but would not provide exact percentage involved. #1 uncomfortably admitted to creating the marketing campaign because ponies are apparently becoming reluctant to trust them if they're selling anything whatsoever. Went to all parents/guardians I could find and told them about possible small-claims suits from those affected. Violators were then brought on what in, by my count, was their seventh apology tour. #2 seemed insincere. ~~She~~ #2 always seems insincere.
(Because she's EVIL INCARNATE!!!!!)
Recommendation: Look, we've got to start bringing them into the station for more than just waiting for those sisters and parents to pick them up! I don't care any more about who they're related to! Can't you see what not bringing them in is doing? I haven't counted the number of incidents they've racked up, but that stops now. I'm going back through all the early reports and numbering them just so anyone who looks at this file can see the digits going up. How much higher do we intend to let that number get?
So somepony above me is afraid of upsetting two Bearers by filing formal juvenile charges against two siblings and one possible ringleader who isn't connected to a Bearer in any real way but happens to be a friend/confidant
(LEAD MARCHER INTO THE GATES OF TARTARUS!!!!!)
of the others. 'Oh, if we upset two Bearers, they might leave!' They can't leave. They have no choice but to stay in the same town because they need to assemble quickly when Canterlot summons them. All that's going to happen if we start conducting proper legal procedures against those three is that these incidents might stop!
Sure, I'm using improper language here. It's the same words which were ignored every time I trotted them into the captain's office over the last few moons, so why not repeat them, especially since I'm just as certain nopony's reading my reports as I am that we need to stop this now?
They have a field trip to Canterlot next week. To the palace. We have to get the idea of consequences in their heads before the Princesses become involved. Do you really want to know what they can come up with in the presence of royalty? Does anypony?
Go ahead, tell me I'm being alarmist. Paranoid. Tell me anything because that will at least mean somepony read this. And once that happens, we'll have the discussion we need to have.
I know they're just kids.
(I WAS WRONG!!!!!)
But kids need discipline. Somepony has to do something. Clearly that's not the parents/guardians -- not even our Bearers. And if not us, who?
Incident Report #44
Statute(s) (and statue) Violated: EQ **:***:****: Total Disruption Of Local Reality
Violator(s): They had something to do with this.
I know it.
I can't prove it.
But I know it...
Incident Report #44: amendment.
Disregard above. I was upset. Maybe a little nuts, just like almost everypony in town before Discord was recaptured. Coincidence... just a coincidence... I've been working too many hours, and most of them spent chasing the same three fillies...
They're just kids, that's all. Just kids.
Incident Report #44: second amendment
Spoke to Cheerilee.
They were fighting in front of the statue.
Coincidence, my badge-bearing flank.
{The scrap of paper taped to the beginning of this entry is taken from an adult file which was supposed to have been sealed on the direct order of Princess Celestia.}
Statute(s) Violated: EQ 141:2:37: Undue Resonance-Based Emotional Influence On Unwilling Subjects: Desire
EQ 19:2:4: Inducing Riot
(#50!)
They were there when it started.
Yeah, I heard what the Princess said: post-traumatic stress disorder caused by the battle with Discord. Sounds plausible. Unless you've been in extended contact with them. Unless you've seen the pattern.
I'm not going after the Bearer in question. Sure, PTSD can have a few effects, although I personally think the case has been exaggerated. After all, I've been in near-constant contact with three horrible chaos-generators for all this time and I'm perfectly fine. I'm just saying -- they were there. Just like they're always there. Sure, the Bearer might have been under some residual influence. Yes, I'll just stand back and let Princess Luna help the Bearers in their nightscapes, like Princess Celestia said would happen. But who was there when it all went wrong? Who might have pushed her just to find out if there was a cutie mark in nearly destroying the town in a whole new way?
Where were they when the Ursa Minor came in? I was so new to this job then, so naive... I never wondered. Well, that's not the case any more.
The new question: where were they when so many other things began?
Nopony is reading these reports. I know that for a fact. Nopony ever will until I prove the truth. And that makes it the perfect place to keep my new notes, along with going back over the earlier forms and adding NEW ONES.
I'm going to find the proof. And then I'll go over the chief's mane. I'll go to the Princess if I have to. But not without proof. Definitive, conclusive proof.
It's out there. And I'll find it.
I hope I can find it in time.
Incident Report #67
Statute(s) Violated: EQ 19:4:5: Vandalism, Minor
Incident: Typical. They were just going bowling. They just wanted to see if they could get their cutie marks in rebounding a few balls around until they hit somepony's skulls. Of course they were long-gone before I got there, but the alley's owner had the description I was expecting. The one I knew I was going to get going in. It almost seems a shame to waste a report on something so minor,
(FOR ANYPONY WHO ISN'T TRYING TO DESTROY THE WORLD!)
but I have to document everything.
EVERYTHING.
Incident Report #68
Statute(s) Violated: EQ 19:2:4: Inducing Riot
EQ 1007:1:12: (three counts) Importation Of Dangerous Animals: Lion
Violator: #1
New theory.
Discord isn't within the statue.
He never was.
He is them. And they let him out. So they would be complete with themselves. All four together as the one they were all along.
Oh, they've been subtle up until now, as far as they could be for anything they did directly. But #1 gave the game away today and made everypony think it was just some part of her so-called disease, which I know is just part of their campaign to DESTROY EVERYTHING. But she's masquerading as an earth pony, which means her magic is supposed to be the Cornucopia Effect and nothing else. And she's too young to even have that at full strength.
Just a disease, they said. She can't be held responsible for anything she did while she was sick.
WHAT KIND OF DISEASE MAKES IT POSSIBLE FOR AN EARTH PONY TO CONJURE THREE LIONS OUT OF NOWHERE?!?!?
...or maybe I'm just getting too worked up. They all have parents/guardians, right? Even if I've never seen #2's coming in and out of the station,
(BECAUSE SHE WAS GOING FOR A MARK IN MURDER!!!!!)
they were all born naturally. I know that. I checked the records. I triple-checked them. I have copies. Well, the parents/guardians have copies and don't know it. I took the originals in service to the Cause. Everypony will thank me later.
But still, that means they were born
(FORGED IN TARTARUS!!!!!)
and so they couldn't have been Discord.
So he probably just REPLACED them.
I like this theory. I'm going to go into my nightscape with it.
I'm hunting them in my dreams.
Incident Report #89
There are ponies asking why I wanted to know if they were anywhere near the carriage before it went out of control.
90
...the construction site....
91
...the dam.
They must have been there. But nopony saw them. But they must have been there. But nopony saw them. But they must have been there. But nopony saw them. But...
Three non-witnesses asked me about my right eye. I don't feel any twitch. None at all. Why would they lie about that? Are THE THREE getting to them? Making ponies lie so I'll think something is wrong with ME? I WON'T FALL FOR IT!!!!!
I'll catch them.
I'll get the evidence.
I bet it's #2 who's been getting into my house at night and making my tail hairs fall out.
Incident Report #104
Statute(s) Violated: EQ Sixteen:Thirty-Eight:Forty-Two:Hike: Plotting To Bring Eternal Night
2 is the Nightmare.
It never really left town. It hid within her. I found out they were all there on that night, so it could have slipped inside with nopony noticing. She's influencing the other two. I keep watching her mane for signs of energy flow, but it never happens. But I've caught on to her game. She pretends she can't fly so ponies will think she's weak. If you can't fly, you can't be the Nightmare, because the Nightmare could fly and she can't so she isn't.
It's a very subtle machination. Thank Celestia I caught on.
So they would be innocent. All of them. And I would need to find a way to free them. But the only thing I know of which can do it is the Elements. And the Nightmare chose well. Two Bearers related to THE THREE and now it seems as if a third has fallen for the deception and looks at the Nightmare as a SIDEKICK. They'll never cooperate. Ever.
Fortunately, there's a solution. I just have to find a way to confiscate the Elements in the name of true Harmony, attune myself to all six, and then use their power myself.
Shouldn't be too hard.
Incident Report #104: amendment
Vault? Why would the stupid BEARER keep them in a VAULT? WHEN SOMEPONY MIGHT NEED TO SAVE EQUESTRIA WITH THEM?!?!?
Unfamiliar with security spell used and couldn't try to break it in front of her. Have decided to work on attunement process first and get back to actual valiant confiscation later.
Incident Report #111
Another Bearer may have spotted attunement attempts. Asked me why I'd been throwing parties for some of the new arrivals in town. I told her I was trying to get in touch with my inner filly. Also that my job is stressful and I felt I needed to laugh more. Demonstrated laugh. Bearer, upon hearing laugh, jumped back two body lengths. Don't know why anypony that skittish is a Bearer at all. Baker. Bearer. Very close words. Should look into that.
Bearer asked if I was okay. Assured her all was well. Didn't seem to believe me. Wanted to know if I would go out with her to the bar and talk because I looked like I could use a good talk and definitely a good laugh. Laughed again to prove I didn't. Very jumpy pony.
Asked about my mane. Something about her face. Wanted to talk. Nearly told her #2 was sneaking into my house past all the security spells I've set up and started working on that too. But didn't break. Didn't make the mistake to TRUST. Never know when something might get back to THEM.
Will have to be more careful.
THEY may be aware of my attempts. Ponies don't want to stay at my parties. Mutterings. I think they're talking about what IS NOT HAPPENING TO MY EYE.
THE THREE ARE WATCHING.
THEY MAY BE READING THESE WORDS.
Have to HIDE all the words AGAIN.
Don't know how.
Field can't lift file any more.
Incident Report #139
Statute(s) Violated: EQ 398:1:1: Unlicensed Excavation
EQ 141:2:14: Undue Resonance-Based Emotional Influence On Unwilling Subjects: Obsession
been over law books
last twenty-eight hours without stopping
searching and searching
can't find single statute
making it illegal
to induce forcible relocation of house
against owner's will
obvious hole in legal system
will write Day and Night Courts as soon as this ends
draft bill in spare time
after i sleep
but i can't sleep
BECAUSE #2 WILL EAT ME
Incident Report #148
I am fieldwriting these words of my own free will.
I am using this form because it is the closest piece of paper available and with all of my fellow officers surrounding me with those looks of concern on their faces, I can't get to any other.
I acknowledge that in the eyes of some ponies, I may have been acting somewhat oddly.
I agree that there is a small possibility that I just might have lost some tiny degree of control and objectivity.
I will surrender my badge immediately and allow myself to be escorted to the hospital, once again acting of my own free will.
RIGHT AFTER I MAKE MY LAST VALIANT STAND AGAINST THE FORCES OF EVIL!!!!!
Incident Report #149
...I'm better now.
I hope you want to believe it. That's why I snuck into the station after your shift and made the three trips required to carry the entire file into your office, leaving this at the very end of it, using the old local form one last time. Incidentally, I'm sorry about covering your entire desk like that. And your chair. Plus it was probably hard to just reach the desk, trying to trot between the little aisles all those columns of paper left behind. But I thought it was necessary that you saw the whole thing, the way my therapist made me see it. She made me read it all start to finish so I could see how it began. And how it changed along the way. So I could see myself changing.
I had some post-traumatic stress disorder of my own, or at least that's what Doctor Corbusier feels. I agree with her now. Really, I do.
She says I'm okay to work again. I have the papers to prove it. And I still want to be a police officer who works with juveniles. But -- not in Ponyville. Because those three aren't Nightmare or Discord or anything else -- but there is still something about them which... well, maybe if you'd read the file before this (and I truly hope you read it this time, all the way through), you would see that they are at the center of so much. They aren't doing it on purpose, mostly. But still... where they go, chaos follows. Somehow.
I've spent a year putting myself back together, with the best help in Equestria showing me where the pieces went. And I could review your own files from that last year, if any existed. (Which I doubt.) Go around talking to the locals, if any wanted to speak with me. (Same, really.) Find out what those three had done. Because I know it's something which nopony in the department made any effort to prevent.
Somepony should have talked to their parents/guardians, reined them in before a few of the things I know they were responsible for -- things I can still see with my renewed sanity -- happened. Maybe you'll talk to those adult ponies before more things happen. I hope you'll get over your fear of offending the Bearers (and through them, Canterlot) and do it at long last. Because I can't any more, and the preemptive restraining order is only part of it. I just can't risk going near them, in case I somehow tell myself that Kids Being Kids beyond all bounds of normal stupidity is actually something else.
Well, I've sounded my warnings both mad and sane. And I know that you said I'd be welcomed back to the force, even after -- attacking all of you that way -- and I'm glad your mane completely grew back, really... The point is, I know it took a lot to make the offer. So thank you for that, at least. But I'm going to turn it down. I won't be a part of any police department which actively ignores its officers.
I already took another job. In a different police department, one gallops and gallops away from here. Juvenile Affairs, because I have the papers which say I can do it again. I'm leaving Ponyville behind, and I'm leaving all of you to deal with those three. If you ever do.
Good luck, everypony. But if you don't listen once again and whatever they create next doesn't reach where I am, then at least I, personally, am better off out of it.
Forever.
Manehattan Police Department
Juvenile Records Division
Incident Report #1
Recording Officer: Bobbi Brassie
Statute(s) Violated: EQ 3:17:1: Noise Pollution
Violator Name(s): Babs Seed