TEH FIRSTEREST CHAPTR!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!!q1111
PONYvil
Trixie blinked in surprise as she took in her new surroundings. One moment, she'd been in Manehatten, entertaining the people there, and the next, she was in... that town. The very town that had booed her off stage, and she'd later tried to rule as a magical dictator. Readjusting her hat and cloak, she tried to run away-
-Only to suddenly be in front of a tree building thing. She blinked.
"What." What was so important about this-
She glanced up at the signpost; an open book, how lovely, a library-
-this library that she had to be teleported here? Well, The Great and Powerful Trixie was not some mare you could just teleport against her will! With a sniff, she turned away and trotted away, muzzle pointing firmly in the air and eyes closed.
She managed to get to the outskirts before she was teleported back again. This time, her hoof was almost about to open the door when she stopped. She glared at the door.
"So, you are conspiring with the wheels, eh? You want to incur the wrath... of The Great... AND POWERFUL... TRIXIE?! Fine! So be it!" Trixie's rage built up as she delved through her library of spells, eventually finding her favourite firework spell and releasing it at the door. It seemed to go in its general direction, but then it warped away, hitting another building.
"What?" So, The Impertinent Door thought to deflect her spells? Well, she could kick the door in. She reared back, legs coiled for a mighty buck-
The door opened and a familiar lavender glow pulled her in before she could scream. She glared at her greatest rival- Twilight Sparkle, the mare who had bested her twice!
and as trixiej loked in2 Twi's lavancar5 orbs she felt an imaense ahtracthion an-
Trixie blinked. Whatever that stream of gibberish had meant she had no idea. However, it seemed as if Twilight knew what it meant, as she groaned and slammed the door shut, bolting it with several high-power spells.
"Ah, hello Trixie, good to see you, but this is a terrible time, so you're going to have to stay here for a bit." Trixie blinked.
"Since when was Twilight Sparkle so fond of me, The Great and Powerful Trixie?! The Great and Powerful Trixie wishes to know!" Twilight blinked, then slapped herself in the forehead.
"Figures..."
"WHAT, pray, figures?" Twilight looked at Trixie with a deadpan glare.
"Amnesia Sprites."
"...what? What do you mean, Amnesia Sprites?"
"They show up sometimes in terrible fanfiction like this. A character gets bitten by one of these things, it makes them forget about who they are. Makes great fuel for... fics like these." Trixie continued to glare at Twilight, hre lips pouting in dat sexi way, mm, yeah, u kno tat sexy way dat pones pouetm yeahm it awa liek dat and triie was doin it and stuff-
"NO MORE OF THAT!" Twilight blasted the area with magic. When it cleared, a fat, bearded... ape, for want of a better word, was suddenly in the room with them. Trixie screamed and shot a firework at the beast, hitting it and causing an explosion of spaghetti, fat, and assorted tiny figurines of ponies. Twilight stared at the mess with a deadpan look on her face.
"Right. I forgot that doing any spell above a simple barrier or a cantrip would summon humans. Why this is so popular is beyond me. I mean, you screw up a couple of spells ONE TIME, and then you're branded, 'That stupid purple unicorn can't cast a spell without summoning eldritch creatures from another plane of existence!' Do you know how stupid that is?!" Twilight panted for breath, mane frazzled. Trixie hesitantly cleared her throat, trying to sort out all the facts.
"So you summon... huge hairy beasts... when you do high level spells... I'm guessing that isn't a normal occurrence?" Twilight shook her head.
"Nope, it's just a convenient plot device that bad writers use."
"Plot... device?" Trixie blinked, then laughed.
"Right, this is all a dream, and any moment now I'll wake up-"
and then she woke up, ans Tiwlihgt aws waeerin dis sexai nurse outfit.
"'her trixie wan try sommat nwe/'
"GAH!" Trixie and Twilight leaped back in complete shock and horror. Twilight systematically removed the outfit piece by piece and burned it, while Trixie levitated the bed in front of her as a protective shield.
"What... The buck... were you doing." Trixie gritted her teeth, already firing up several offensive spells. Twilight shook her head.
"No nononononononononono, Trixie, you've got it all wrong! It's the author trying to get us to be in his... ugh... 'Twixie' paring." More confusing words that Trixie didn't exactly profess to understand.
"Could you explain to The Great and Powerful Trixie jsut what the buck is going on?!" Twilight clapped.
"That's good! Keep acting canon! It'll stave off the author's terrible writing!"
Trixie had had enough. There is a time, when everything makes no bucking sense, that a mare just has to do some things. So, Trixie took in a deep breath, straightened her hat, and screamed. It was a scream that made Luna's Royal Canterlot Voice seem like a whisper in comparision. Books shook off the shelves, dust was blown across the floor, and Trixie herself seemed to grow taller as she vented her rage against live, the universe, and everything.
"WHAT THE BUCKING TARTARUS DO YOU MEAN?! I SWEAR TO CELESTIA, LUNA AND FAUST HERSELF, IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME A RATIONAL EXPLANATION FOR ALL OF THE MADNESS THAT HAS BEEN GOING ON, I SWEAR, I WILL GO ON THE BUCKING WARPATH!!!"
Twilight winced.
"Okay, okay! There's no reason to shout."
So, she explained.
Trixie listened as she was told everything about the My Little Pony with a raised eyebrow. She smirked when she heard that Twilight was the supposed 'main character' of the fourth generation of moving pictures on a 'teevee,' whatever that was. Twilight then explained that Trixie had only ever appeared in two episodes, both times as an antagonist. She'd also apparently been in a 'feeture length movy,' something that the fans both loved and hated.
"So, they liked The Great and Powerful Trixie that much?" Twilight nodded.
"Yep! You're probably the third most popular pony, I guess!"
"...Who beat The Great and Powerful Trixie in popularity!?"
"Well, the Bronies-"
"Bronies?"
"They're like grown stallions who like playing with dolls. Some of them are kind of cool, but the minority are extremely bad at writing, like the author of this fanfic."
"Ah, got you. Do go on. The Great and Unknowledgeable Trixie wishes to hear more!"
"Right... anyway, they liked Princess Luna, probably because she was Nightmare Moon and had a sad backstory. Then, when she appeared again, they liked her even more."
Trixie nodded grudgingly. She might have been a bit narcissistic, but even she knew that the Princesses deserved respect.
"Oh, and Derpy is regarded as the most awesome pony in general."
Trixie looked at her.
"...who's Derpy?" Twilight winced.
"Technically, she's an animation error that the fanbase caught on to." Trixie just rubbed her head.
"You know, The Great and Powerful Trixie is still convinced that this is all some dream or-"
Suddenly, they were downstairs.
"-Something." Trixie blinked.
"See?! Like that!" Twilight wasn't listening, instead looking at a book.
"Oh no... Not this one! Please, you HAVE to go with this?!" Trixie looked at the book. It seemed to be... well, either it was a feminine stallion or a mare with a...
"Why do you have a book like that?" Twilight shook her head.
"I don't! That's just the author trying to make this a futa fic!" She turned to Trixie, desparingly.
"You can save yourself, but I can't!" Trixie noticed that Twilight was struggling not to go over to the book.
"It's the author... he's... trying to get a sex scene happening... run, Trixie... run as fast as you can!" As Trixie barrelled upstairs, she ran past the purple dragon running away form a small white foal.
"HELP! I have a crush on your sister, not you!"
"But I love you Spikey-wikey!"
"AAH!" Trixie shook her head. Finding the window, she jumped through it, past a small orange filly who caused...
What was that? It seemed to be an expanding ring of orange and yellow fire-
She was grabbed by Rainbow Dash.
"OH COME ON, AUTHOR!"
"What do you want with me?!" Rainbow Dash looked at her.
"Oh, hey Trixie. Yeah, this is some horseapples, ain't it? I mean, what the hell is a 'Sonic Fireboom supposed to be, anyway? I'll tell you: Horseapples made up by the author. I mean, sure, Scootaloo could probably do it, but then again, really? What's wrong with a RAINboom, you hacks?"
Before she could continue, she disappeared. Trixie plumeted a short distance. Landing on all four hooves, she took off for the borders of the town. As she ran, one thought was prevalent in her mind.
WHAT THE BUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS PLACE?!
TEH SCEOND CHAPTRE!!!@!!!!!!!1111111114141111!!
As soon as Trixie was free, she ran. She ran, and ran, ran as if the hounds of hell were after her. After about five minutes, she halted, panting for breath. She'd managed to run away from Twilight and Ponyville for a substantial distance. Still, she had questions burning in her mind, such as 'what, exactly, was fanfiction?'
"I'm glad you asked that, my little pony." She turned around, to see Celestia herself smiling warmly at her. Hastily, she bowed.
"P-princess Celestia?!" She gasped, all traces of arrogance removed from her contenance. "This is... I just..." All rational thought flew out of her head and made tweeting noises as they circled around her horn.
Celestia kept the smile. "You wanted to know about fanfiction, yes? Well, I can answer that. "She plopped her hindquarters down and started to talk.
"Equestria was made four years ago-"
"No it wasn't. You've been around for over a thousand years!" Celestia nodded.
"4 years ago, Equestria was made to be a thousand years old. With me so far?" Trixie shook her head. Celestia continued talking.
"My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic attracted a huge following. It still does. It's currently in its fourth season. But the 'bronies,' as they call themselves, are not merely content to watch the show. They want to make their own stories. So, on a website called 'fanfiction,' bronies made their first attempts. It wasn't just fanfiction- they made music, hacked into video games to make their characters look like ponies, drew art both good and bad... it's all rather hectic. But they were drawn to fanfiction like moths to a flame. They even made their own site for it: FIMFiction, devoted entirely to fanfiction concerning this universe. Most of the time, the fanfiction here is good, but usually... it isn't. And here, it is extremely easy to see trends, or bandwagons."
With a yellow flash, they were somewhere else. Trixie gasped as she saw a huge... well, wagon looming overhead.
"This was quite popular when the fandom was younger."
"What is it?" Celestia's smile had gone.
"A bandwagon. We are in the Bandwagon plane, where all the bandwagons of the bronies lie. This one is known as 'Fallout Equestria.' Apparently, it was a massively successful crossover with a video game called Fallout." Trixie squinted. Indeed, the wagon did have Fallout: Equestria written on it in fading, peeling letters.
"It's dead now. No-pony really cares or thinks that it's really anything original now. This one," Here she indicated one labelled Conversion Bureau, "this one is still sort of alive, but it's small." A couple of people overheard that.
"We are TOTALLY relevant!"
The driver of a similar cart, labelled Anti-Conversion Bureau, shook his head wearily. "Look, mate, you're old hat! Nobody wants to read your depressing, cookie-cutter stories! Have a sense of humour about your own work-"
The driver of the other cart seemed to take offence to that. "OH, you want a fight? Your work isn't all that good either! Ur're jsut jealous, u fagots!"
"That is hugely offensive towards gay people, you know. I'm just going to turn the other cheek."
Screaming in rage, both members got into a brawl that went unnoticed by people as they continued staring at their carts.
Just then, another wagon rolled past.
"FUCK THE POLICE!" A ninja threw a paintball at the other carts. Several humans there scowled at them.
"I swear, those assholes are going too far!" The driver of the Conversion Bureau shook a fist at the wagon, whose members retaliated with mooning.
"YEAH!"
"We're awesome and we know it!"
Trixie pointed after the speeding dust trail.
"What the buck was that?" Celestia wiped the paint off of her face.
"A new bandwagon: The League of Humans Acting Villainous."
The humans in the cart grinned. One of them, a tallish fellow in a gasmask, turned around to the drivers, the ninja, the knight and the world poking another guy.
"Hey, I get the feeling that they were making fun of us."
"Bah who gives a fuck. We're awesome and we know it."
"Whatever. Anyways, I have to try to ressurect CGoTG. Drop me off here, 'k?" He then looked at you.
"Yes, I am self-inserting in a troll fic.
"
With that, he jumped off, and ran towards a semi-rundown wagon. A couple of people were holding new wheels. He rolled his own, vastly inferior wheel towards it.
"Hey."
Trixie looked at the wagon. "And that one?"
"Chess Game of the Gods. But enough time here. It is time to see... the Shipping Wars."
"The what?"
With a flash of yellow light, they were in what looked like an endless expanse of water.
"Watch."
A huge warship came over the horizon, the word Twipie emblazoned proudly on the front.
"TWIPIE IS BEST SHIP!" The captain bellowed out to anybody who cared.
Another one, titled Twirarity sailed elegantly forwards.
"No, Twirarity is the best ship, you uncouth villains."
The captain, a skinny type with two models of Twilight and Pinkie kissing passionately, glared at the other captain. With his pink and lavendar coat flapping in the breeze, he grabbed a microphone, bellowing one order to his loyal crew.
"FIRE CANNONS!"
Party cannons spang from the sides of the ship, loaded with whatever they could find. Because that worked for some reason in Pirates of the Carribean.
The Twirarity's captain brushed his white coat off, readjusted the purple and pink hat and lifted his own microphone.
"Fire cannons! Don't let them win!"
More elegant guns sprouted off of every available surface.
Trixie stared as the two ships shot at each other for no discernable reason. Besides her, Celestia shook her head.
"They'll do this all day."
"But why?"
Celestia shook her head.
"Because they want to see some romance, or at least a good sex scene."
Trixie shook her head. "Don't they have anything better to do?"
"Not really."
Meanwhile, the gasmasked fellow looked at his own little dingy. "Perfect." This was the perfect ship. The evidence was all there! You just had to dig through the chapters, find all of the relevant information, and boom, ship.
He took up his oars. Soon, the EmberXGriffin ship would gain followers and he would be showered with praise and adoration.
"I don't really ship them, but who gives a fuck? Hopefully, my battles will be filled with fortune and greatness as I sweep through the competition with ridiculous ease."
He was promptly destroyed by just about every ship in the area. Including the Mr and Mrs Cake ship, which wasn't really regarded as a ship that needed to fight anyway.
Celestia looked at Trixie, back within Canterlot palace. "Do you understand about fanfiction now?" Trixie nodded her head.
"There has to be some way to escape, right?" Celestia's eyes hardened.
"Unfortunately, there is no escape form fanfiction. All we can do is move to other fanfiction. Hopefully, it will at least be a good one."
Trixie shook her head. "Nuh-uh. No way am I just going to resign myself to this horrible excuse for literacy. There has to be a way."
Celestia nodded. "There might be a way, Trixie... the Elements of Harmony or, failing that, the Tree of Harmony. It's amazing how many bronies forget that the Tree exists. Then again, it has just come in recently."
Trixie's mane grew slightly scruffier. "Thank you so much, Princess!"
