Chapter 1: What in the Hell did I Do Last Night?
Waking up has to be the worst part of my everyday life, I am simply not a morning person. If someone were to try to force me out of bed they would get a nice sized fist in the face along with more than a few profanities before I would ever get up. The very simple fact that I am extremely hung over from that party last night made this already not-so-pleasant experience an absolute living hell.
Despite how much I hate waking up, there is always my nemesis, sunlight, shining into my eye like the absolute bitch it is through open curtains that I forgot to close last night in my drunken haze. I groan and shift the other direction to face away from the burning gaze of the sun in a poor attempt to prevent the massive headache I was about to get.
Only I didn't realize how close to the edge of my bed I was as I rolled off and hit the floor hard, sending a jolt of pain through my skull, forming the migraine I was hoping to avoid.
"Son of a bitch..." I managed to groan as I poorly attempted to get myself out of the tangled bunch of blankets, only to fall pitifully to the floor again.
"Fuck it, I am sleeping on the floor, bed are fucking overrated anyways. Who in hell needs a nice, soft comfortable bed when you have a bad, hard uncomfortable floor." I remarked sarcastically to myself.
As I get "comfortable" on the floor I untangle one of my hands to nurse my aching forehead, only instead of my hand something hard hit it instead, sending more pain through my already aching head. At that point I couldn't help but let out a cry of anger, pain, and frustration that sounded a lot like...
"ARRRRGGGGHHAA!!! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!!!"
The only facts that managed to cut myself short of cursing my skull out was, 1, it was only making my migraine even worse, 2, other people were also in this building trying to sleep and I wasn't a goddamn hypocrite, 3, it wasn't going to win my any points with my landlord who was living right next door, and 4, I was goddamn shocked horrified as I saw that MY GODDAMN RIGHT HAND WAS MISSING!!! I Lift my other hand to grasp my mutilated one only to find it was in the same condition.
I stared in shock at my mutilated hands for several seconds before realizing that they were not actually mutilated at all, there was no sight of blood anywhere and I could have sworn that my hands were just fine yesterday, there was no way that they could be chopped off and healed this quickly. My shock and horror immediately turning into confusion, I looked at my "hands" a little closer, I noticed that both my "hands" were actually replace by solid blocky objects and arms were completely covered with a pale white hair coat.
The realization hit me like a ton of bricks…
Ignoring my hangover induced headache, I struggled out of my covers and find that the rest of my body confirmed my suspicions, a pale white coat covered the entirety of my body under the clothing that I had been wearing when I had collapse on my bed last night. My legs were bent at odd angles and my feet were replaced by the same blocky objects at the end of my arms. Worst of all, I had a tail.
All that I care about was getting a mirror, now. I stumble to my feet and tried to walk to the closet mirror, only to trip a second later and fall on my face as my legs got tangled in my pants. Struggling out of my pants I get up and start slowly making my way over to the mirror to prevent making anymore of a fool of my self. As I finally make it to the mirror I stop to take a good look at myself, my reaction in a nutshell was pretty much...
"Oh you have to be fucking kidding me!"
I was a cartoon pony from my girlfriend's favorite little kiddy show, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, I had no fucking doubt about it now. Those ridiculously oversized eyes, the fucking super happy and harmonious colors, the seemingly pointless butt tattoos, ALL THAT JAZZ!!! My build appeared to be slender, my entire coat was pale white, my eyes were their normal color blue, my frazzled hair... er frazzled mane and tail were icy blue. My pointless butt tattoo, or whatever they are called, was a lightning bolt, how typical. OH! Hey, to top it off, what are those two lumps under my shirt? 10 dollars says those are wings! I struggle out of my shirt to reveal a pair of completely undersized wings, I find the muscle and extend them to their pitiful length. Well, what do ya know, they are. I stared at myself in the mirror, coming to one conclusion.
This was a dream.
I was pretty sure this was a dream, there was no fucking way this could be happening, soon the other self I see in the mirror will grow vampire teeth and come out of the mirror to brutally murder me any second now and I will wake up.
...
...
...
I'm waiting...
...
...
...
Still nothing?
...
...
…
Well shit, time to do this the hard way...
I walked as carefully as I could to the nightstand next to my bed in order to avoid falling on my face, again. Opening the drawer I found my bowie knife inside. Unconsciously, I somehow pick up the knife with my hoof and drew it from it's sheath and proceeded to stab it into my arm... What the fuck was I thinking, seriously?
"GAHAHAHHHA, FUCK!!!" I Screamed as I threw the knife away and clutched my bleeding arm, immediately regretting my irrational decision.
OW FUCK THAT HURT!!! Okay, I know I have made some pretty bad decisions before, going to that party last night was one of them, but that just took the fucking cake. Why in hell did I think I was going to accomplish anything though that? The only things I had learned from that this was DEFINITELY NOT A DREAM, I'm a FUCKING IMPULSIVE IDIOT, and I could have figured that out though a simpler and a lot less painful method in which didn't require a blood sacrifice, a rather big one at that. Well shit, now I have to do something about the bleeding.
I turn around and start limping my way to the bathroom, only to stop when I hear someone... slowly and deliberately clapping behind me. I spin my head around to face whoever was obviously mocking me and see something that immediately made me forget that I stabbed myself, I jump and rotate my body to face the mocker, freezing in terror from what I saw before me.
This... thing I saw before me was a terrifying monstrosity that looked like it was made by Dr. Frankenstein himself. It was made out of many different animal parts and had a very crazed look in its eyes, with what I assumed was an amused face, it was using its two different hands to slowly and mockingly clap for my earlier dramatic performance.
"Wow, I mean WOW!" It suddenly said, much to my surprise, its claps growing faster and grin growing larger.
"I mean really, that was just plainly beautiful overreaction!" It mockingly complimented as it started to chuckle, its claps becoming louder and faster.
"I mean REALLY, I know humans tend to overreact in stupid and spectacular ways, but that literally just struck gold! You, Marcus, are now the king of overreacting! To think that had nothing to do with me! Hehehehe!!! That was all you, buddy! I mean WOW, you could have just pinched yourself or something like that, but you went full out and grabbed a knife! I have to give you points for determination! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" It managed to say before falling over laughing.
It clicked its fingers once and I felt a small weight suddenly made it's presence known on my head. Shaking it off I noticed that it was a small crown that was labeled "King of Overreaction." I would have been a little ticked off at this thing's mockery if I wasn't so utterly terrified right now. I was slowly starting to back off in order to make a run for the door, I was not going to stick around and let this thing eat me or kill me in any horrific fashion.
Unfortunately for me, it noticed and I found myself unable to move as all my hooves suddenly sunk into the ground. I struggle helplessly as I try to break free, only giving up as soon as my old friend pain made its sudden reappearance in my wounded leg. Fuck you pain, fuck you.
"Leaving so soon, Marcus? Why, I haven't even gotten the chance to talk to you." It said faking a hurt look.
It started to walked over to me, causing me to resume my struggle fruitlessly, for sure this thing intended to do something horrible to me and I don't want any of it. As I began considering chewing my own legs off, it stopped a few feet in front of me and its hand approached my wounded leg. I clenched my eyes shut and waited for the gruesome death this thing would inflict upon me, except it didn't, it simply snapped its fingers once again in front of my wounded leg. My leg instantly became wrapped in bandaged with white wrappings that were mockingly labeled "King of Overreactions", stopping the bleeding entirely.
I looked up at my supposed executioner who wore an amused expression, he simply stood silently in front of me as if waiting for a response. So it didn't want to kill me, otherwise it would have ripped me limb from limb by now. That or it was a cat toying with prey until it get bored, the cat being it and the prey being me.
"Well?" It asked impatiently.
I really had one response for this and it contained pretty colorful language, if this thing was toying with me, I definitely am not going to give it a good time.
"W-what the fuck are you? Who the f-fuck are you? How the fuck do you know my name? What t-the fuck are you doing in my house?" I try to say with as much dignity as possible, my stuttering in fear betrayed me however as it looked more amused.
"I see, you're afraid. As normal as that is, there is really nothing to be afraid of. I wouldn't hurt a fly..." It started while he clicked its fingers in order to make a fly that had been buzzing around his head combust into flames, that did not help my confidence.
"To answer your first question of "What the fuck are you?" I am a Draconequus, and a god chaos. As for "Who the fuck are you?" You may refer to me as Discord. As for "How the fuck do you know my name?"... You really need to lay off the f words... It is because we've met at the party last night. The rest of your questions, however, are completely irrelevant."
I had no idea what a Draconequus was, but a god of chaos didn't sound good, especially one named "Discord" of all things. However, what worried me the most is that it claims to have met me at the party last night, and I hardly remember a thing from that night.
"I don't remember much from last night, but I definitely don't remember meeting a f-freak like you." I again try to say with dignity, and again my stuttering betrays me.
"Oh yes, you wouldn't remember me now, let me fix that." It says as he transforms into a 21-year-old man with long black hair, yellow eyes, cocky smile.
Wait a second... I know that face.
That was w hat a memory suddenly came back to me.
***
Man, this party sucks, the only thing that would possibly make this fun is if I was either drunk off my ass or high to the point of near death, even then that would only bring it from this as a horrible party to a stupid party.
I look around the room as I watch the idiots all around me "having fun". I guess this is what people call fun these days, dance to horrible music, screaming like an idiot as they try to sing said song, see how much beer you can chug in one go, and have little contests on how long and how much alcohol it will take in order to dissolve your liver and leave you passed out. Oh, have I mention how much fun passing out is? You get to wake up with a massive headache and guess on what monstrosities are drawn on you face. Oh and don't forget to check to see which one of these whores will be the mother of your child!
Why the hell did I even come to this shit fest? Oh, right, because my "friends" basically kidnapped me and dragged me all the way over here to celebrate our graduation from college, despite my girlfriend Sarah's opinion. With the way they dragged me out of the apartment I wouldn't be surprised if she had called the police to report a kidnapping, hell at this point I would have applauded her for doing so, but no such luck so far.
So now I sit alone, fighting away all the whores and rejecting any and all offers for a drink as they may as well be spiked with something nasty. Well, that was until some other guy, who I assumed was a loser like the others, comes over and sits next to me. He looked like he was somewhere around my age, had long black hair (Cut your hair you fucking hippy), and a very cocky smile, we haven't even talked and I hated him already.
"You hate this party too, hu?" He asks suddenly, making me do a double take on whether or not I hate him.
Holy shit, someone who can relate to me or just another douchebag who was paid by my "Friends" to get me drunk? Lets find out!
"Yeah, kind of blows, I guess some people have different definitions of fun. Mine doesn't involve listening to shit music or getting extremely drunk and become someone's plaything, whether or not that means becoming a sex toy or a sketchpad for someone's perverted fantasy is irrelevant. Anyways, how could you tell?" I reply coolly, testing whether this guy was serious.
"Yeah, I can see what you mean there, I really don't see the point in numbing the brain so you have more courage to do stupid things and so others can take advantage of you. As for how I could tell, you are avoiding alcohol and these slutty girls like the plague and attempting your best to isolate yourself from everyone else, kind of like me. I really can't stand these... people."
Wow, this guy actually doesn't sound as stupid as I first though he was, he sounds pretty cool.
"So what brings you to this horrible excuse of a party?" I asked.
"To be honest I was looking for someone, I guess you could say a friend, haven't found him yet though. I guess he is pretty good at blending in with the crowd. So, what brings you here?" He asks.
"One of my idiot friends is the host of this party, they dragged me here so they could get me drunk I suppose, I've never been a big drinker and I guess they wanted to see what I would be like a blundering idiot. Not so sorry to disappoint them." I replied
"Ah, I see. Well, now that you have mentioned it, I actually brought my own bottle of alcohol. My friend warned me that the drinks they served here were a bit, dissatisfactory, so I decided to bring one of my own and share it with him. It is one of my own brew and haven't quite gotten the chance to taste test it yet, so I was kind of wondering, would you like to have a taste of it?" He asks
Well, shit, right when I thought he wasn't a douchebag. I guess that is what I get for hoping…
"No thanks, I had plenty of requests like that, I am not an idiot." I coolly reply.
"If it make you feel any better I'll drink it first." He offered.
Okay, maybe he isn't a douchebag... I guess I may as well, if he drinks it first I guess I can wait and see what it does to him before I take the risk myself... Fuck it, I am bored to death of this party anyways and one drink won't hurt, what is the worst that can happen?
"Alright, as long as I can hold my own glass and you drink first." I agree.
"Deal." He replies with his cocky smile producing two shot glasses and an unmarked bottle.
Lovely, I am regretting my decision already, but no turning back now.
I inspect the shot glasses for any hidden trick, but didn't find any. The hipster hair guy then proceeds to fill both glasses with a clear liquid that could almost be mistaken for water, vodka perhaps? We both pick up our shot glasses and he raises his.
"To truth and accepting who we truly are." He toasted, much to my confusion, as he downed his drink, giving a little shudder as he finishes.
"Ah, it tastes good, but a wee bit on the strong side." He remarks.
After a minute of my drinking partner having no side-effects from the drink I down my own, much to my own regret. I nearly spit it out, he wasn't fucking kidding about it being strong, this crap burned! The mere fact that I wasn't a seasoned drinker didn't exactly help. I swallow and start to cough a bit, no scratch that, I start to cough violently.
"You okay there buddy?" He asks with a laugh.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Turns out you were not kidding about it being strong." I remarked.
"Yeah, I'll have to work on that... Well, now that is over and done with, tell me a little bit more about yourself." He requested suddenly.
"Hmm... Well, where do I start? My name is Marcus, I have lived here in California for almost all my life, living with my parents until I got an job as a bartender and an apartment up in San Diego..." I replied without question.
Wait, why was I telling him this?
"Interesting... did your parents adopt you?" He then asked.
"Yes, they did actually." I yet again answered without question.
What the hell? Why am I telling this to some random stranger? Why am I starting to feel dizzy?
"Hmm, very interesting, now when was your birthday?" He then asked
"That would be the 14th of March, 1994." I answered yet again.
Now I am getting very dizzy.
"Yes, very interesting, one more question, do you remember anything from before?
"What the hell was in that stuff?" I finally asked clutching my head.
"I'll take that as a no, anyways, thank you for speaking to me but now I have to go. Got things to do, little time to do it." He said with a smile as he got up and begins to walk away.
"Wait... didn't you say you were looking for a friend?" I asked before he left.
He turns and smiles at me creepily, his eyes glowing yellow suddenly. Okay, I was definitely drugged.
"Oh, don't worry, I found him. Try to get home safely." He said.
He clicks his fingers and disappeared from existence. I can't hardly remember anything after that besides for getting home and going to sleep.
***
"It was you, you did this to me." I concluded.
Discord smirked as I finally responded.
"Okay, you've had your fun, now turn me back. I have far to many things to do today." I demanded.
“I can't... well actually, that is a lie... I can, I just won't." He replied.
"What!? but why!? I have a job interview today and I can't go out like this!"
"Because you simply don't belong." He answered, examining his hands and ignoring my pleas.
"What?" I asked confused.
"The brew is quite interesting isn't it. Not only does it force the drinker to tell the truth no matter the question asked, but it also reveals the true nature and appearance of drinker whoever it may be." He continued, confusing me even more.
"What are you talking about?" I demanded.
"You'll need figure the truth out for yourself in time, and after you figure out the truth then you will need to find a way to accept it. After that I can finally finish my job and we can both go home. But in all honesty, take your time, I quite like it here. So much chaos, everywhere! I mean I don't even have to cause it, I can just watch as these pitiful humans destroy each other with no work and effort! Honestly, I should start taking my vacations here!" He replied cheerfully, causing more confusion in me and ensuing the return of my dreaded headache.
"I don't understand..." I say using my hoof to nurse my now aching head, carefully this time.
"Of course you don't, but you will eventually... Oh my look at the time..." Discord said looking down at a watch I knew wasn't there before.
"Well it looks like my time is up here, I have other things to do, little time to do them. I am sure you understand, anyhow, cheerio!" He then said with a mock British accent and a snap of his fingers, once again disappearing from existence.
"...And remember, I will be watching." Discord's voice says in my head, kind of reminding me of a certain game I used to play.
Soon after I found that I was now free from the floor and was able to move again.
Well, this has been an eventful and absolutely fucking confusing morning. I wake up as a pony, stab myself believing that it was all a dream (believing that somehow I would magically wake up by causing myself bodily harm like the fucking impulsive idiot I am), was visited by what may be the devil himself, told by said devil that he drugged me last night at the party and turned me into this... pony, and then said devil rambled on about how I "don't belong" and that "I must figure out the truth myself" and how I then must "accept it". At this point, I am wondering what the hell else could possibly go wrong?
Wait... I remember thinking something similar to that during the party...
"Marcus, it's Sarah are you home?"
Oh, fuck my life...
"Marcus?"
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT! She can't see me like this, she'll flip the hell out! Not flip out as in "WTF MARCUS!!!" or "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU!!!" mind you, but "OMFG, CUTE LITTLE PONY, I MUST HAS!!!" What the hell is she even doing home this early!? Doesn't she have work until 3:00 PM today? God knows what the hell she'll do to me if she finds me...
Actually that might not be a bad thing, I might finally get...
NONONONONONO, SHUT THE FUCK UP BRAIN, DO NOT FINISH THAT SENTENCE!!! THAT IS JUST PLAIN WIERD AND BEASTO!!! WE ARE NOT GOING THERE!!! NU HU, I DON'T CARE, SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
Great, now I have that image scarred in my head...
Okay, keep calm Marcus. Perhaps if I keep quiet long enough she'll think I past out at my friend's party and go find me there...
"Marcus? Are you asleep?" Sarah asked, now I could clearly hear her approaching the door.
Well, so much for that idea... Okay, time for a plan B! I jump into bed and fumble with the covers until I could pull them over myself and my entire body. It definitely is not the most polished plan B I could think of and most likely will end in disaster, but when you think about it, it is stupid enough to the point of it actually working. I managed to cover my head in the last second as I heard my door opening. I hear her come in and let out a sigh of what I believe was... relief? Was she actually worried about me?
"So how was your night, was it as great as your friends tell me?" She asked sarcastically. I began to heard her changing out of her work clothes, now making me have to resist the urge to peek out of my covers.
Goddamn it, if this was any other time... Okay, calm down, answer the lady's question.
"Horrible, absolutely positively horrible." I mutter, trying my best to sound tired. It wasn't hard considering my hangover was still here.
"You okay, Marcus? You sound kind of hoarse."
I flinch at that horribly ironic and perfectly innocent question, I had resist the urge to jump out of my covers, look her dead in the eye, yell "YA DON'T SAY!?!?!?" as if it was my queue to finish a poorly done joke. As funny as that would be, I know it would not help my situation what so ever, so I stayed put trying to ignore the irony of that question.
"Yeah, as I said, the party was horrible. So, what brings you home early?" I ask, changing the subject.
"Well, work let me off early today, so I decided to come and check up on you at the "party". Your friends said you got super drunk, started acting strange, and wandered off. So I came back over here to see if you were okay." She replied as finished changing. The "acting strange" part caught my attention, oh god...
"Define 'acting strange'?" I requested, seriously hoping I didn't do anything stupid.
"Well, to start you... wait... what the hell is that?" She asked suddenly.
That is when I felt something pull on my tail, oh shit...
"What the hell is this?" She asked again.
"Wait! I can explAAAAAAA-!!!" I managed to get out before she pulled even harder.
I felt like my tail was about to be ripped directly off my ass as she pulled me right from under the covers and onto the floor with a loud *thump*. She immediately let go in shock at what I was, her eyes wide as she looked at me not believing what she was now seeing. I honestly don't know what I was thinking hiding in the first place, she was going to find out whether I liked it or not and it wasn't like her ignorance of me was going to make anything better, now I probably made the situation ten times worse. We stared at each other for a minute as I quickly try to find words to formulate a sentence that would hopefully defuse the situation before it gets out of hand. Unfortunately my brain refused to find the proper words and instead this came out of my mouth...
"Uh... Hi Sarah! Awkward hu?"
Her eyes roll into her skull and she falls over backwards, hitting the floor with a loud thump.
"Shit..."
***
"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong" I happened to be reminded of this lesson this morning, so lets recap! I woke up as a pony, jumped to conclusions and stabbed myself, was visited by freakish monster who happened to be a psychopath, and now I have made my girlfriend pass out and probably gave her a concussion.
To be honest though, I half expected her to go full fan girl on me, rip her cloths off, and do the unspeakable to me, I have to give her credit for keeping it together in at least one way.
So now, after all that fun, I sit on the bed next to my unconscious girlfriend wondering what in the hell I should do now. I know for a fact I am going to have to wake her up and explain this whole fiasco, but I am not quite sure if I should. I am no doctor, but she looked like she hit her head pretty hard when she fell and I don't know if I should try to wake her up or let her sleep...
Ah who am I kidding, the choice was already made, I am going to get my revenge for all the times she has done this to me!
I reach over next to me, grab a glass of water I had filled earlier, and pored it on her face with a devilish smirk that said "Serves you right, bitch!" She jerks awake and proceeds to scramble about before falling off the bed and onto the floor, again. I chuckle satanically at my rightfully deserved vengeance. She gets up again, turns, and notices me her face turning to shock as it did before.
"If you pass out again, I will get more water, there is plenty where that came from." I warned.
This seemed to snap her out of it as she recomposed herself and wiped the water from her eyes and try to figure out whether her eyes were deceiving her. After a few seconds she finally manages to say something.
"Who are you?"
I nearly panicked as I heard these words, thinking that she got amniesia or something when she hit her head, but quickly remembered that I was not looking as I normally do.
"It's Marcus, honest to god." I replied.
"Wha... you... Marcus, why are you a pony?" She asked, looking totally and utterly confused.
"Don't ask me, I woke up like this!" I replied.
"I... you... what?" She muttered as she tried comprehend the situation.
"I know this is confusing but you need to..."
"This is a dream..." she concluded, well this sounds familiar...
Wait...
"NO YOU DON'T!!!" I yell as I lunged at her and punch her in the shoulder before she could do anything stupid.
"OW!!! What was that about!?" She asked rubbing her shoulder
"To show you that you are not dreaming, I just did you a favor, your welcome." I say, trying to keep from shuddering from my prior incident.
"Okay, so I am not dreaming, and you are really a pony. What in the hell is going on? And... what is with the bandage on your arm?" She asked suddenly, pointing the bandage on my arm.
"Uh... I'll get to that in a second." I replied. There is no way in hell I am going to tell her I stabbed myself, regardless of the reasons.
She look at me accusingly, but before she could question it I went on explaining what happened.
"Okay, look, it all went like this..."
I began to explain everything that I could recall from last night and what occurred this morning, fabricating a part of the story that involved me spraining my leg and definitely not stabbing myself like an idiot. I finish the story and wait for Sarah to process all this information.
"So, let me get this straight... You get drugged by this weird guy that happens to be Discord, you wake up this morning a pony, "sprain" your leg falling off the bed... you are going to tell me the truth about that later by the way, I can see blood seeping through that bandage..., Discord appears and starts mocking you, you try getting away he but traps you, he goes on "this whole mumbo jumbo about some random crap", he leaves, and then I come in..."
"...and pass out at the sight of me, yes." I finish for her, earning me a death stare.
Man, if looks could kill...
"Okay... so, what the hell are we suppose to do now?" She asked after recomposing herself.
Good fucking question, what do I do now? I have to go to work and I have to go to this interview for another job today, but I certainly as hell cannot go outside like this. I would stick out like a sore thumb and people would definitely notice me. Then I would have the rest of the freakish fan base after me, probably hoping to either have my babies, keep me as a pet, or some other creepy shit like that.
That aside, there was only one thing to do... figure this shit out and get turned back to human. Discord said that he wouldn't turn me back, so I guess I will have to find someone who will, but who will?
"We figure out how the hell we are going to turn me back, that is what we are doing! There is no way in hell I am staying like this, not if I am going to continue living! We need to find somebody who will fix this crap, and I am going need you to... Sarah, why are you staring at me like that?"
My girlfriend is now staring at me with a devilish smile... uh oh...
"Turn you back? Hmm... I don't know, you look kind of cute this way..." She began seductively.
Dear god, here come the fan girl...
"Sarah, come on I am being serious..."
"Naw... I think I am going to keep you this way, we could have lots of fun!" She continued as she edged a little closer to me. I began to move away ever so slowly.
"We can talk about ponies, pull some pranks on some of my brony friends... get a little weird in the bedroom...
"Sarah, are you fucking kidding me?" I say as I defensively scoot away from her, feeling a heavy blush coming on. I really hope she can't see that...
"Oh grow a pair, Marcus! I am just screwing with you, I don't like the show that much or in that way, jeez." She said putting on her best "Just fucking with you" smile.
I face palm as I realize that I just got trolled and that it really could have been more obvious, not to mention that was probably my only chance to finally get la... AAAAAH SHUT UP BRAIN!!!... I mean, good! At least my girlfriend isn't a weirdo, right!? heh heh heh... yeah, this is getting awkward...
However, harsh knocking and a voice behind the apartment door broke the awkwardness before it could ensue, however. I would have preferred the awkwardness, for it was the voice of a certain lady I have grown to dread...
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING IN THERE!!! I AM GETTING COMPLAINTS FROM ALL OVER THE GODDAMNED APPARTMENT BUILDING!!!" The terrifyingly masculine voice of my landlady, Mrs. Rebecca, shouted from behind that door.
I could feel my eyes turn to pinprick as I heard that monstrosity they called a woman continue banging on my door, making me almost piss myself. Sarah looked just as terrified.
"Oh shit..." Me and Sarah both said at once.
"I KNOW YOU BOTH ARE IN THERE, SO SOMEONE BETTER ANSWER THE DOOR!!!" Mrs. Rebecca yelled again as she place another few hard knocks on the front door.
"You need to go answer it, tell her that we just had an accident and I hurt myself a bit." I quickly say.
That quickly earned me a hard slap to the back of the head and a disbelieving look from her.
"What?!"
"You want me to face that wrath of the she-hulk? YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE!!!" She harshly whispered, clenching her hand into a fist, threatening to hit me again.
"No, your unbelievable! I can't go out there like this! I am a goddamn pony! Do you think she'll react well to seeing a pony from a cartoon show answering the door? "Sorry Miss Rebecca, but I am feeling a bit HOARSE right now, please come back later?" " I harshly whispered back.
"I'M WAITING!!!" Mrs. Rebecca yelled again. Holy fuck! That lady is a fucking hypocrite.
"GRRRRRR... Fine, but you owe me, BIG TIME!" She whispered threateningly inches from my face before leaving the bedroom to answer the door.
Meanwhile, I try not to think about what favor she'll have me endure when this is over...
Well, I actually didn't care what she was going to force me to do, getting caught like this or not, I was going to watch! This was going another sweet moment of vengeance for when Sarah always made me talk to that bitch, there was no way in hell I was going to miss this!
I hop off the bed and follow Sarah from a distance behind, stopping when I reached the corner in which the hall ended and the living room began. I watched from around the corner as Sarah went to open the door, I silently chuckle to myself I as I wait for the show to begin, god I wish I had some popcorn.
"Hello, Mrs. Rebecca." Sarah started, trying her best to hide her terror as she opened the door to reveal the massive woman from behind.
DO NOT let her appearance fool you, she is an honest to god female, as hard as that is to believe. She has the looks of a man but the parts of a woman, creepy I know, don't ask me how I know that I just do. She isn't actually massive when it comes to fat either, she is 6 feet tall and made of muscle, hence her nick-name "The She-Hulk". She is a redhead with disturbingly blue eyes, eyes she could possibly use to burn a hole straight through you if she concentrated hard enough. I am not sure what poor bitch had to bring this monster into this world, but I positive she was awfully sore after words.
Mrs. Rebecca stood in the doorway looking down upon Sarah with a gaze powered by 1000 burning souls she most likely ripped from Hell itself, sizing her up and looking for any signs of weakness. Sarah tries her best to keep her composure but appeared to be failing miserably as she slightly shivered under Rebecca's gaze, I was kind of feeling bad for her now...
Actually, not really, this was funny as hell to watch. See how I feel every time I have to talk to her now, Sarah? EH? Again I wish I had some popcorn right now.
"What is with all the ruckus, I have received several complaints of screaming in the last hour!" The muscle monster asked.
"I-I'm sorry Mrs. Rebecca, Marcus kind of hurt himself this morning getting out of bed..." She started, nervousness evident in her voice.
"...and how did he hurt himself?" Mrs. Rebecca asked, but the emotion in her voice told she really didn't care.
"He, well, uh... sprained his ankle." She tried.
"So, he was screaming bloody murder over a sprained ankle?" Mrs. Rebecca asked, definitely not convinced.
"Uh... Yeah, he is kind of a baby when it comes to pain." Sarah replied with a fake smile.
Really? Are you fucking kidding me? You cry in agony over getting a stupid paper cut!
"Regardless, tell Marcus that I don't want to hear any more complaints from anybody else or the rent is going to be higher this month, am I clear?" Mrs. Rebecca asked threateningly.
"Yes, perfectly!" Sarah replied, keeping up her fake smile.
"Good, you better hope you don't see me later." Mrs. Rebecca said, turning around and heading back to her own apartment.
"Will do She-Hulk..." Sarah muttered as she quickly closed the door, locked it, and barricaded it with her own body as if She-Hulk was going to burst in at any moment.
Sarah turns around and sees me smirking, trying my best not to laugh my ass off.
"Wipe that smirk off you face before I do it for you." She threatened.
It didn't help much as I just fell over laughing... WHAT!? She is so cute when she is angry.
"Yeah, laugh it up, can't blame me for not knowing how fucking ridiculously intimidating she can be." she said irritably.
"Well, at least you know how I feel now! I have to face her every time we screw up!" I say as I getting over my laughing fit.
We wait for the air clear a bit before we got back to how in hell we were going to fix me. (not in that way you freaks!)
"So, about getting you back to normal." She reminded me.
"Ah, yes. Do you have any ideas?"
"None that are realistic." She said.
"Well, nothing has been realistic today, so try me." I replied.
"Point taken... I suppose the Elements of Harmony would help, that or one of the Princesses, but I would doubt either one of those are here..." She started
What the fuck is she talking about? MAKE SENSE WOMAN!
"You've lost me..." I interrupt.
Sarah face palmed in response.
"The show, Marcus..." She started.
"Yeah, what about it?" I asked.
"These items and characters are essential to the story." She finished.
"WHAT!? I've never watched the show dammit! You can't expect me to know these things!" I complained.
"Well, we wouldn't have this problems if you would just suck up your pride and watch one episode with me every once in a while!" She shot back.
"There is no way you are getting me to ever watch that bloody children's show, cross my heart and hope to die!" I stated.
She was right, I did have ton of pride to being manly (at least when I didn't have to deal with She-Hulk), and I considered watching any sort of children's cartoon to be completely unmanly. My girlfriend has tried and tried many of times, but could never get me to watch a single episode with her. Do I have any regrets? Well, besides for having no clue how to approach or even solve this situation I am in due to my lack of knowledge... HELL NO!!! I'll wear nothing but a tutu and dance at a gay bar before I watch that damned show.
She gave a huff in frustration, but didn't take it any further. She knew my pride far to much for anyone to swallow (that is what she said by the way!). She then went on giving me the brief explanation on what the Elements of Harmony were, who their bearers are, who discord is and who the princesses are. I have to admit what I was told had to be the biggest pile of bullshit I had ever heard in my life...
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC!!! THAT IS A IGNORANT WORD MADE BY IGNORANT PEOPLE AS AN EXPLANATION FOR WHAT THEY COULD NOT UNDERSTAND!!! YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN EVERYTHING BY JUST SAYING IT IS MAGIC!!!
SCIENCE MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!?!?!?
Yeah... lets just say I am a man of science and I do not take kindly to that word, I prefer to have more realistic explanations for thing besides for "ITS MAGIC SO IT WORKS!!! YAY, SUNSHINE RAINBOWS!!! EVERYTHING IS SOLVED!!!" This is probably another reason what I hate children shows in general besides for my mother never letting my watch that garbage in general. Despite my girlfriend's complete scattered brain and completely bullshit explanation, I saw what she was getting at and was able to depict some logic in it... but only some...
"...but unless, for some reason, they happen to be here, there is no way we could possibly reach them. Well, unless we are somehow able to randomly make a portal with..."
"If you say magic one more time I am going out the window, regardless if it is in the way or on the third story..." I threaten, I am not going to stand hearing that word anymore today.
She simply rolled her eyes at me, already knowing my ridiculously pure utter hatred of that word.
"I know it sounds ridiculous, but it is all I got."
I sighed in response as I thought about what I was just told. The Elements with their bearers where capable of a great many things that had yet to be explained by science, which includes things like "reverting a curse" and "encasing people in stone." Why do I get a White Witch from Narnia vibe from this?
A while ago, Discord was unlucky enough to be petrified by the elements when the princesses, the rulers of Ponies-That-Shit-Rainbows-Land, felt he needed a attitude adjustment. Awhile later, Discord get free and throws a temper tantrum over being imprisoned for 1000s of years, and in all honestly who could blame him, I'd be a little ticked too. However, the new bearers, by the names of Miss-Know-It-All (Twilight), Miss-Filthy-Rich-Attitude-That-I-Really-Have-Come-To-Hate (Rarity), Miss-Anti-Social (Fluttershy), Miss-Proud-To-Be-Lesbo-Rainbow-Butt (Rainbow Dash), Miss-Tree-Bucker (Apple Jack), and finally Miss-Physics-Defying-Sack-Of-ADHD (Pinkiepie), sent him back to the corner to think about what he has done.
So now Discord has somehow escaped again and decided to make my life one big bundle of fun, for what ever reason he may have. Now the only way I can get myself turned back to human is if I somehow get into contact with either the princesses or the six members of the harmonic power rangers, brilliant...
But then again, probably not impossible. If Discord is really the big baddy that Sarah says he is and he escaped from a high security prison meant to lock him away forever, wouldn't they want to re-secure him? Perhaps I don't have to search very far to find them.
"Yes as ridiculous as this whole theory of "A pretty rainbow will make me feel better again!", it's probably a better option than trying to find this psychopathic god of chaos, who toys with reality in ways that would strike terror into the hearts of many dedicated scientists, and somehow force him to turn me back. As for somehow contacting the harmonious power rangers, that will hopefully be a lot easier than we think, they may come here to grab Discord themselves. If they do, we can just ask them to turn me back then and there."
"So... we have a plan?" Sarah asked.
"I most certainly fucking hope, I can't think of anything else we could possibly do." I replied
It was true, this was all I got, a plan that relied on getting in contact with six cartoon ponies that may or may not even show up. If this plan fails and they don't show up or can't turn me back I don't know what I would do. I am not sure if my job would let me keep working, I am not sure I will even be able to get a better job. Chances are that I will end up joining the circus and work at the freak show for nickels and dimes just to get work. Then soon the entire world would most likely discriminate against me for being different, I can see it now, business buildings with signs that say "No Ponies Allowed!", "Human's Only!", or "We do not Service Ponies Here!"
I try not to think about what could happen if this plan fails, as realistic and ridiculous as they may seem. Right now I needed to concentrate on one thing, well three things actually. One being figuring out where we are even going to start, two being how to get out of work today, and three being how to avoid losing my job opportunity. I have an answer for at least two of those questions, we could easily just check the news and look for anything suspicious activity going on and I could simply just call in sick today and it wouldn't be a problem, but saving the job opportunity was probably not going to happen. It was just going to be a boring a desk job at an tech support company, but it paid a lot more that what I earn from the bar I work at. Unfortunately I am going to have to let this one go, I can't just walk in there as a pony and I am probably not going to be changed back anytime soon.
As I went over and picked up the phone my girlfriend questions me.
"How do you do that anyways?" She asked.
"Do what?" I asked, not realizing that holding a phone without anything to grip it with was not a common occurrence.
"How do you hold the phone with only a hoof." She clarified, finally making my realize that I had been unknowingly defying the laws of physics the entire morning.
I stared at the phone in my hoof and experimentally flipped the phone at different angles to see if it would fall, it didn't. I then used the muscle memory to open my hand and put it back on its charger, the phone fell back into its charger without any hassle. I stared at my hoof for so long that I forgot why I was even at the phone, my mind demanding answers for this defiance of the laws of physics, but my hoof gave none.
"I have absolutely no fucking Idea..." I replied.
I remained staring at my hoof for an uncountable amount seconds, my mind was broken due to this strange and unexplainable anomaly that my hoof produced.
"Okay... So Marcus, you can stop staring at you hoof now, you are starting to creep me out." Sarah finally said, breaking my concentration on figuring out how to explain the unexplainable.
"Ah, right." I said picking up the phone and dialing my work number.
"So, who are you calling?" Sarah then asked.
"Calling my boss to call in sick today, going to have to stay here until we get this all sorted out, so hopefully we can fix this before my sick days are up." I replied as I finished.
"Okay, what about your interview?" She then asked.
"Probably going to have to try again sometime later on, I don't believe we will turn me back before I have to be there." I replied. The phone was ringing now.
"Bummer." She replied simply.
"Yep. Oh and by the way, try not to invite anyone over until we turn me back to human. I know that your horse humping friends would love to meet me, but I am afraid that we can't afford the entire world knowing about me." I said. The phone was still ringing
Although I intended it to be a informative joke, Sarah didn't laugh or react in any way I expected, In fact she was disturbingly quiet after I said this. I glanced back to see what was up, I saw Sarah with a sheepish smile.
"Um... Yeah about that... I kind of forgot that I invited a couple of my friends over to... watch the show with me since you were suppose to be at work all day." She said worriedly.
At the same time the phone finally picked up, but before the person on the other end got a chance to get a word in they were cut off by me yelling...
"YOU DID WHAT!!!???"
