Insult to Inquiry

by LDSocrates

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance, Spike, Comedy
Length: 3999

[One-Shot] Mystery presents are nice. Mystery presents with insults written on them are not so nice. After getting so many from some sort of twisted secret admirer, Spike goes on a mission to find out who's sending him these mixed messages.

Mystery presents are nice. Mystery presents with insults written on them are not so nice. After getting so many from some sort of twisted secret admirer, Spike goes on a mission to find out who's sending him these mixed messages.

A silly little something that popped to mind recently and I just had to write down. Hope you all enjoy.

Featured on the front page, however briefly, on March 10th, 2014!

Published 2014-03-09 20:20:10 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-09 20:20:10 UTC

On the Trail

Spike opened the front door to the library. It was a typical Ponyville spring morning: the golden sun was shining, pegasi were flitting across the blue sky, the earth ponies and unicorns were rousing and filling the streets to get to the market… overall, a perfect day to stay inside and do Twilight’s bidding.

And Spike was looking down and frowning at the heart-shaped box of sweets at his feet.

Well, it wasn’t the box that upset him. Not really. It was what was on it, three simple words scrawled on the front: “For the Idiot~♥”

Spike sighed and picked up the box before wheeling around and bumping the door closed with his hip. He tore the packaging off and absent-mindedly picked up one of the confections before popping it in his mouth. His teeth came down on it with a loud crunch; chocolate covered gems. The particular one that he had picked up was an aquamarine. Not his favorite, but delicious nonetheless.

He popped another into his mouth before walking back into the kitchen. Twilight was still eating her breakfast, using her magic on a knife and fork to cut into her pancakes. “So, there was another one,” Twilight said with an interested hum.

“Eyup,” he sighed, hopping into his chair before popping in another gem. “This one said ‘for the idiot.’ They’re going to run out of insults before long.”

“Third one this week,” Twilight thought aloud before spearing some of her breakfast and taking a bite. “Somepony really has it for you, bad.”

“I don’t really call chocolate boxes calling me stupid the most romantic thing in the world,” Spike deadpanned. “I call that being a jerk.”

“Well, some ponies out there don’t know how to properly get their emotions out, so the way they express them comes out… strange. That’s what it looks like to me,” Twilight explained. She levitated her knife over and poked his belly with the blunt handle. “And it also looks like to me that this secret admirer of yours is making you gain weight.”

“I’m not fat, I’m just… plump,” Spike grumbled.

Twilight giggled and she pulled her knife back. It died down when she saw a scowl still on his face. “What’s wrong, Spike?”

“This is driving me nuts!” he groaned as he downed another stone. “I can’t think of who would possibly be sending these! There isn’t a pony in town who really hates me, or at least hates me enough to send me insults like this. Or who’d love me enough to send me chocolates. Let alone a pony that’d do both for some weird reason!”

“Well, why don’t you try to find out?” Twilight suggested. “Candy commissions like this would come from Bon Bon’s shop, and most of the gems in town are sold by Rarity. Why not go ask them who’s getting this stuff and track the mare down? If it is a mare, anyway.”

“Chores,” Spike sighed.

“Oh, right…” Twilight bit her lip. “Well… I suppose I could let you go for the day. This is clearly bothering you, and I don’t want you to agonize over this.”

“Really?” Spike perked up in his seat. “No strings attached?”

“No strings,” Twilight nodded with a smile. “You go get ‘em, Spike. Who knows? You may get a date on the way.”

Spike sighed blissfully and grinned like an idiot. “M-maybe it is Rarity?”

Twilight’s smile got more crooked. “Um… maybe? You’ll only know if you go find out!”

Spike leaped up and out of his chair, the box of sweets in hand. “I’ll go start my investigation right now! Thanks a ton, Twi!” he said over his shoulders as he bolted out.

“Just stay-!” The door slammed. “Safe…” She sighed and propped her face up with her hoof as she took another bite of pancake. “That dragon’s gonna get his heart broken someday…”

Whatever weight he’d gained from all the sweets he’d been showered with lately, he’d worked off some of it with the long walk to the other side of town. His destination was an unassuming place, two stories with a thatched roof like most other houses, but it was set aside by the sign outside declaring “Bon Appetit!” and its pink paint job. If Sugarcube Corner was the place to get baked sweets, Bon Appetit was the place to get anything and everything else that’d warrant a visit to Colgate’s dentist chair. Spike’s teeth were practically melting at the sweet smells coming from the shop as he walked up to it, and it was all he could do to keep from drooling.

A bell rang as he stepped inside. The shop was almost completely empty. The only sign of life Spike could see was Lyra, who was sitting in a corner and playing her namesake. The shop was always pretty slow before the after school rush of foals. The calming music and the sugary scent of Bon Bon working in the back always gave Spike the impression that Bon Appetit would be heaven’s sweets shop.

“Oh, heya there, Spike!” Lyra greeted casually with a perky smile as her magic played away. “Twilight let you get away from the grindstone?”

“For today, yeah. I’m on an investigation, and I was hoping Bon Bon could give me some information,” Spike explained. “Somepony’s been leaving boxes of sweets for me, and I wanna know who’s been buying them lately.”

“Oh really? Have a secret admirer, do we?” Lyra giggled. “You know, we normally have a non-disclosure agreement for that sort of thing. Ponies like to keep these sort of things hush hush, and who’re we to judge?”

“I wouldn’t call them a secret admirer so much as a secret harasser,” he said flatly. “Every box is addressed with an insult, like ‘for the idiot,’ ‘for the moron,’ ‘for the dunce’… I’m getting really tired of it and it’s driving me nuts.”

Lyra blinked and sighed. “Well, harassment is something else completely. Okay, let’s see what we can do.” The unicorn took a deep breath before calling out, “Hey Bonnie Buns, we have a guest!”

“I told you not to call me that when other ponies are around!” came the flustered reply.

“I’m not; he’s more on the scaly side!” Lyra called back cheekily.

Bon Bon turned the corner from the back room, half-heartedly glaring at her marefriend. “You’re still sleeping on the couch.”

“Spoilsport,” Lyra said with a dramatic sigh.

“Ignoring you now,” Bon Bon said with a roll of her eyes before turning to Spike with a smile. “Hey there, Spike! On another sweets run for Twilight?”

“Nah, she decided her hips are getting too big so she’s laying off,” he said. “I’m looking for some info.”

“Somepony’s been harassing the poor guy; leaving our sweets at the door with passive-aggressive insults,” Lyra added.

Bon Bon sighed and leaned against the counter. “Somepony has to ruin it for everypony every season. Okay, what’d the box look like?”

Spike reached behind him and pulled out the box, setting it on the counter. “Like this. They’re always full of chocolate covered gems.”

“Sounds pricey; whoever’s been leaving these, they’ve either got good connections or have a heavy coin purse,” Bon Bon said, taking the box from him and looking it over. She opened the box and looked at the remaining sweets. “This is one of my boxes, but this definitely isn’t my work. Not only do I never remember doing something like this, the decoration is amateurish.” She picked one up and licked some of the chocolate off. “Though it is my chocolate… hm. I’m guessing someone bought the box, melted the sweets, and tried to coat the gems in chocolate all by themselves.” Spike waited patiently as she turned the box over in her hooves. “The ID is ripped off, so I can’t tell you exactly who bought it.”

“Great,” Spike sighed. “Thanks for your time, anyway.”

“But,” Bon Bon said firmly, “I do remember some customers who have bought boxes like these recently. It’s not much, but it might point you in the right direction.”

“Anything you can give me would be great,” Spike said with a grateful smile.

“Alright then, let’s see…” Bon Bon hummed in thought. “There was Berry Punch, but we all know who those were for. There was also Redheart. She’s certainly aggressive enough to do something like this, but she certainly isn’t a cougar… or straight. Thunderlane also got a box, but he is straight.”

“Any ponies I know very well?” he tried to cut in gently.

“Well… I vaguely remember Rarity and Fluttershy both buying boxes,” she recalled. “They never told me who they’re for, though. Fluttershy because she’s Fluttershy, and Rarity ‘because a lady never-” Spike zoomed out the door like a dragon possessed, the door left hanging wide open in the wake of his dust trail. “…tells.’”

“Poor guy is headed straight for Rarity’s, isn’t he?” Lyra asked, looking out the window at his retreating back.

“I’d bet money on it,” Bon Bon sighed.

Lyra shook her head and closed the door with her magic before returning her attention to her lyre. “Poor, delusional kid…”

Spike was at the front door of the Carousel Boutique in record time. It took all his restraint, and a long skid mark on the front lawn, to keep himself from bursting through the front door. After a slicking back of his spines and a quick check of his breath, he knocked on the door like a proper gentledrake.

“Come on in!” sang the voice of an angel.

Not wanting to defy divinity, Spike sauntered inside and smoothly bumped the door closed with his hip. “Why good afternoon, Miss Rarity!”

The picture of perfection herself was working her magic on a mannequin, the first traces of a turquoise dress on its frame, when she looked over and lit up. “Oh, hello Spike! What brings you here today? Shouldn’t Twilight be running you ragged at this hour?”

“Not today, actually. I’m on a bit of an… investigation,” he said as mysteriously as he could manage.

“Oh? Into what?” she asked as she flitted her eyes back to her project, looking over her sketches again.

“Well, it’s just that a certain somepony has been leaving chocolate covered gems at my door every morning for a while now,” he said as he walked over. “And since most of the gems in town come from you, I was wondering if maybe you’d know where those gems were coming from.”

She turned a sparkling eye to him with an amused, knowing smile. “Oh really? Looks like someone has a secret admirer!”

“Looks like it, but they won’t stay secret for long,” he said knowingly. “I talked to Bon Bon, and I have a few leads.”

“Oh you do, do you?” she giggled coyly, turning back to her current design. To hide her embarrassment, no doubt.

“Of course! Can’t keep me off the trail forever! But before I go wagging claws, I want to make sure I have the right mare. Sooo…” He checked his breath again while she was distracted. Still good, still smelled like chocolate and sugar. “Would you happen to know who was coating those gems in chocolate?”

“I haven’t the foggiest,” she said nonchalantly before turning to Spike with a frown. “Sorry, darling.”

Spike blinked. That… wasn’t what he expected. “None… at all?” he coaxed. “Maybe somepony you know? Maybe somepony you know really well?”

“No, I haven’t sold that many gems lately… actually…” She hummed in thought. “I haven’t sold any, but I did give a big box away to Fluttershy a little over a week ago. She didn’t say why she needed them, but she’s a good friend and I didn’t want to pry. Do you think…?” She gasped and wheeled around, her inner gossip and dramatic both coming out. “Do you think that maybe it was her and she was too, well, Fluttershy to say anything?”

“That’s what it’s looking like now. Bon Bon did say that she bought chocolates lately, in the same boxes I’ve been getting,” Spike admitted, deflated. “But… why would she insult me like that? That doesn’t sound like… well, Fluttershy.” Or Rarity. Doesn’t sound like Rarity at all. Stupid, stupid…

“Insult you? Why, whatever do you mean, darling?” Rarity asked, ears flat.

“Every box has had some sort of insult thrown at me written on the front. Between the sweets and the insults, I can’t tell if the pony who’s been sending them loves me or hates me!” he groaned.

“That doesn’t sound like Fluttershy at all,” she agreed, putting a hoof to her chin. “She doesn’t have a mean bone or feather on her body! Most peculiar, but… she’s the only pony I know that’s acquired a large amount of gems lately.”

“Well… either it’s her, or I’m chasing a dead end,” Spike sighed, rubbing his temples. “Great.”

“Oh Spikey,” Rarity fussed, nuzzling his cheek, “don’t get so upset! I’m sure you’ll find this pony sooner or later. Just don’t be too mad at them, okay? Love and fear can make ponies do strange things.”

Spike smiled and blushed a little, but ultimately felt the sting of defeat. “I’ll try. But I better go ask Fluttershy anyway. Even if it isn’t her, maybe she knows something.”

Rarity nodded. “Good plan, Spikey. You get going, now. I have a commission to finish.”

“Will do. Bye, Rarity,” he said, giving her a little hug before heading for the door. After opening it up, he paused and looked back wistfully before letting out a little sigh and starting his journey to Fluttershy’s cottage.

His romantic aspirations roundly deflated, Spike didn’t walk so much as trudge to Fluttershy’s cottage. Out of town, down the road, across the bridge… it all went by in a bit of a blur as his little head buzzed with thoughts in every direction. One second he was wondering if he would ever have a chance with Rarity, the next he was sure he did have a chance and planned his next move, then the next he admitted defeat and wondered if a date with Fluttershy would be so bad, and so on and so forth. By the time he actually arrived and knocked on the door, a dozen different things were on the dragon’s mind.

Fluttershy cracked open the door and peeked outside. “Oh, um… hello, Spike,” she said meekly. “What brings you here?”

Spike raised an eyebrow at the hiding pegasus. “The way you’re acting, I think you know why I’m here.”

“Oh… right. Um, Angel’s outside right now, so I think it should be safe to talk,” Fluttershy said, opening the door. She looked around nervously, stepping out of Spike’s way. “Want to come inside and have a seat?”

“What does Angel have to do with- nevermind,” he shook his head and walked inside, hopping up on the couch. “Thanks, Fluttershy.”

“You’re welcome,” she said simply, pulling up a chair for herself. They sat in silence for a few moments, Fluttershy looking around for the right words to say, before she finally seemed to come up with, “So… you found out?”

“Uhuh. At first I thought it was Rarity, but then she told me about all the gems she loaned you,” he said with a hint of bitterness. “So, just… why?”

“I was just trying to be nice,” Fluttershy sighed, lowering her gaze to the floor.

“Nice? I wouldn’t call it nice,” Spike said, furrowing his brow in confusion.

“Oh no, you didn’t like them?” Fluttershy gasped. “I knew I should’ve bought more chocolate!”

“No, no, I loved the sweets just fine!” he assured her. “I just… I could’ve lived without the insults.”

“Those were Angel’s idea,” Fluttershy said, fiddling a bit with her front hooves.

Spike facepalmed with both claws. “Why are you taking the cranky rabbit’s advice when it comes to this sort of thing? He probably doesn’t have a romantic hair on his body!”

“Oh, don’t say that!” Fluttershy said with a worried frown. “He’s rough around the edges, yes, but he’s young. He doesn’t really know how to express himself in a way that’s, well… nice, even if he’s trying to express nice things. He’s slowly growing out of it.”

“Still, he’s the last animal in the entire forest that you should be accepting romance advice from, except maybe that grumpy old green dragon in the Everfree,” Spike said with a groan. “Look, if you felt this way about me, why didn’t you just say something?”

Fluttershy blinked, her cheeks turning red. “Oh my… I think there’s been a misunderstanding.”

Spike tilted his head. “Excuse me?”

“You’re a really nice boy, Spike, and you’re growing to be quite a gentledrake, but you’re sort of… young for me,” Fluttershy said with a nervous chuckle.

“So why were you sending me those chocolate boxes?” he asked, a bit impatient.

“I wasn’t! Well, I was, but they weren’t from me. They were from Angel. I just helped him out by getting the gems and the chocolates. Everything else was all him. I was just trying to be nice, and… and I can’t say no to that face,” she sighed.

Spike froze and stared for a good ten seconds before he let out a flat, “What.”

“Better reaction then I expected, honestly,” Fluttershy said with a sad smile. “Now that you know, mind talking to him? Please let him down gently, though… I don’t want him getting too sad.”

“Wait, wait, hold up,” he said, holding up a hand and shaking his head. “Angel. Angel was sending those boxes to my house. Because he… likes me? As in like likes me?”

Fluttershy nodded mutely.

“But… Angel doesn’t like me, let alone like like me!” Spike said with a flail of his arms. “He’s always such a complete jerk to me! I mean, he’s gotten a lot nicer since that trip to the Crystal- erm, your trip to the Crystal Empire, while I stayed in Ponyville and petsat him.”

“Whatever happened that day, and whatever you did, it’s really gotten him pining for you.” Fluttershy blushed and whispered furtively, “Though between you and me, I think part of it may be there are no male bunnies here that have ever returned his feelings, which has gotten him really frustrated, but that’s neither here nor there.”

Spike’s eye twitched as his cheeks heated up. “I… I see.”

The two of them suddenly heard the sound of a tiny little foot tapping. Their heads turned to the front door to see Angel standing just inside, the door slightly ajar. The bunny’s cheeks were as red as a cherry, but he looked none too happy, a scowl on his face and an ear twitching.

“Oh, um, hi Angel!” Fluttershy said with a nervous smile. “We were just talking about you!”

Angel gave his owner an unimpressed look, crossing his little arms.

“How long were you, um… listening?” Fluttershy asked.

Angel looked around and hopped over to a nearby cabinet. He pulled out a pencil and pad of paper, rapidly scrawling on it before turning it around to show them. “Long enough.”

“Oh, erm… want me to leave you two alone?” she asked, hiding a bit behind her mane.

Angel crossed out his previous message and wrote down his next one, a simple, “Please.”

“Right, um… sorry,” Fluttershy squeaked before excusing herself to the kitchen, leaving Spike all alone with the apparently amorous bunny.

Spike shifted in his seat uncomfortably as Angel hopped up next to him on the couch. The rabbit’s face had only gotten redder, and he was avoiding looking at Spike as he wrote down his next message. “You know?”

“Yeah, I know. Took a bit of digging, but…” Spike trailed off, twiddling his claws.

Angel let out a squeaky little sigh before he started writing again. “Think I’m weird?”

“Well, maybe a little?” Spike admitted a bit sheepishly. “But not too weird! Like, Twilight’s obsession with lists weird, not Pinkie Pie weird. The sort of weird I can manage and understand, I guess?”

Angel rapidly scrawled another note on his pad with a wry smile. “You’re a total doofus.”

Spike’s brow furrowed. “Um… thanks, I think?”

“It’s a compliment,” Angel wrote next.

“Were all the insults supposed to be compliments, too?” Spike asked with a frown.

“No, just true,” Angel wrote.

Spike growled. “Okay then, if I’m so stupid, why do you like me?!”

Angel paused and tapped his chin with the eraser of his pencil. He flipped the page and started writing again, turning and hunching his shoulders so that Spike wouldn’t see, pausing every few scribbles to think it over. About a minute later, Angel showed him the pad with a shy frown. “Used to think you’re just stupid glutton. You are. But you’re other things. Tried to save Rarity from dogs. Tried to save AJ from wolf. Saved a country. Good to your owner. Good to me. Big moron, bigger heart.”

Spike shifted in his seat as his face grew hotter and hotter. “Twilight isn’t my owner, but… thanks,” he said shyly, kicking his legs over the side of the couch a bit.

Angel rolled his eyes and flipped over the page, writing the words, “Also really cute.”

“Hey, I’m not cute!” Spike said with a huff.

Angel just wrote down the words “pink apron” in rebuttal.

“I… okay, you’ve got me there,” Spike sighed.

The bunny let out a squeaky little giggle and smiled. He looked to Spike, and Spike looked back, and silence settled over the two. He wasn’t sure how long they looked at each other, but it felt like a long time had passed before Angel looked down at his pad again and started scribbling. “So… want a date?” he wrote.

“I… um…” Spike rubbed the back of his neck. “I’ve never really thought about dating a boy before, but… I can give it a try?”

Angel grinned ear to ear and excitedly scrawled, “My place or yours?”

“I’d have to ask Twilight, so… I guess yours?” he ventured.

“Tonight at 8?” Angel scribbled.

“Well, Twi said I didn’t have to do chores today, so... sounds good,” he said.

Angel let out a squee that Spike would’ve expected from his butter colored owner before pulling the dragon into a bone-crushing hug and giving him a smooch right on the lips. Before Spike could really say anything or protest, the bunny let him go and hopped away, clicking his heels happily as he went.

“My first kiss… and my first date… and it’s from a bunny,” Spike said to himself. “Yeah, I think it’s time to call it a day.”

Twilight looked up from her book when she heard the door open. In came a very… she couldn’t find the right word for how Spike looked. His stare was blank, his shoulders were lax, and he limply pushed the door closed by leaning his back against it and slumping to the floor.

“How did it go?” she asked like she didn’t notice.

Spike looked up and said, “You were right about me getting a date tonight.”

Her ears perked up as she peered over her book. “Oh, really? Who’s the lucky pony?”

“Angel,” he said flatly.

“Angel? I don’t know any ponies named Angel,” Twilight admitted, brow furrowed.

“Because he isn’t,” Spike droned.

Twilight slowly set her book down and stared at her assistant. “He? As in… Angel the bunny?”

“Yep,” Spike said simply as he got to his feet and walked past her. “Tonight at eight. I better go get ready. Don’t want to make a bad first impression on my first date, after all.”

Twilight kept staring into the space where Spike used to be as the dragon went up the stairs and into their bedroom. She finally breathed in deep, closed her eyes, and exhaled. She shook her head and sighed in resignation, “Only in Ponyville…”