So You Want To Be A Draconequus
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“And what about that one?” Fluttershy pointed at the puffy white cloud as it drifted by overhead, watching it trail along.
“I think it looks like… Celestia’s butt,” Discord replied automatically, clicking his talons together. The moment he did so, the clouds did indeed shift around to become a bit more curvy, imitating one half of the sun princess of Equestria.
“You said that the last four times,” the butter colored pegasus frowned.
“How is it my fault,” the draconequus yawned, lazily snapping his tail back and forth over Fluttershy’s head as they lay on their backs, “if they all look like Sun-Butt? I mean, just look at that lighting.”
“Well…” Fluttershy tilted her head and squinted hard, trying to see what he saw on the vibrant canvas above. “I suppose if you look at it from-from an angle…? No, I’m still not seeing it.”
“What about that one?” Discord pointed at a particularly large cloud, lumbering along and misshapen as a pile of mashed potatoes.
“… I still don’t see it,” she huffed. “That one’s only big and lumpy.”
“Yeah. Just like Sun-Butt.”
Discord snorted at his own joke, and although Fluttershy was trying to look agitated about it, she certainly was having difficulty hiding her own miniscule grin. Instead, she simply tried to pick out more clouds in the warm sky above, the grass cushioning her as she craned her neck to see further.
“That’s really not a nice thing to say about somepony,” Fluttershy chastised him after a few moments, almost forgetfully.
“Oh, that’s another thing!” Discord snapped his talons again leisurely, causing one of the clouds to turn a vibrant shade of pink. It may have been simply the cloud’s natural formation, but it certainly looked much more like Pinkie Pie than it had before. “Everypony always says everypony. It’s never every… draconequus. Or something.”
“I don’t really find it that unsettling,” Fluttershy shrugged as she saw that he really was agitated. “I mean, everypony – well, I could try everydraconequus, but it just sounds a little silly.”
“Silly?” Discord gaped at her in horror as his eyebrows literally began rising off of his face. “Why, I’m the most serious and emotionally mature draconequus that I know!”
“Your horns are spinning.”
And indeed, Discord’s antler and horn really started to spin around, whirring and even emitting sparks the faster they turned. He snatched them both without looking up, smoke sizzling into the air when he grabbed them.
“No they aren’t. And I’m totally using everydraconequus now.”
“You don’t think that’ll get a little confusing?” she cocked an eyebrow, noticing that his own still hadn’t reattached themselves to his face.
“It probably will!” Discord sat up, crossing his mismatched arms grumpily. “All the odds are stacked against us draconequus…es?” he scratched his chin distractedly. “Drac-draconequuses. Draconequui.”
“Draconequuooses?” Fluttershy added helpfully.
He shook his head, furrowing his brows the moment they settled like feathers over his eyes.
“Draconequui. Let’s go with that one. It sounds less silly.”
“Oh, I don’t have anything against silly things,” Fluttershy sat up as well and patted him kindly on the arm. “Not at all! Not against draconequuooses, either. Draconequui, excuse me.”
“Oh, yeah?” Discord cocked an eyebrow mischievously, and she watched as she expected it to fly off of his face. Surprisingly, his bushy white eyebrows stayed directly on his person, and Fluttershy silently noted it as one of the few times that she was surprised when somepony’s body parts didn’t randomly pop off.
Or, rather, somedraconequus’s.
“Really, I don’t,” she nodded assuredly. “Ponies and draconequus – draconequui are close enough to be the same.”
“They totally aren’t!” Discord grunted frumpily. “A draconequus is fundamentally different from ponies.”
“In what way?’ Fluttershy asked, genuinely curious.
“In every way! It’s inexplicable,” the draconequus rolled his eyes, and spun in their sockets for a couple of seconds. “You’d have to be a draconequus to understand what it’s like.”
“Oh…” she hanged her head abashedly, turning away from him as her wings clamped tightly to her sides. “I-I’m sorry.”
Discord shifted guiltily, and stared at the back of her neck while rubbing one arm ruefully for a long, uncomfortable moment before an idea dawned on him.
“WELL,” he cleared his throat loudly, scratching the back of his own neck and looking away when Fluttershy turned hopefully to him. “There might be one way…”
“Really?” Fluttershy clapped her hooves together ecstatically. “What, what is it?”
“Just between you and me,” Discord cupped his paw around his mouth and spoke in a stage whisper, looking around the empty yard in front of the pegasus’s cottage. “There’s actually a super secret way for somepony to totally be just like a draconequus.”
“There-there is?” her eyes widened considerably. “You’re-you mean, somepony could turn into a draconequus?”
“Yeah!” he grinned eagerly at her nervous shuffling. “But don’t worry, it only lasts for a little while. It’s nothing permanent, or anything,” Discord reassured her.
“Can-can I be a draconequus for a day?” Fluttershy asked. “You can really do that?”
“Oh, absolutely!” Discord slapped her on the back good-naturedly. “It’s a foolproof way to really understand draconequui. But in order for it to work, you have to close your eyes.”
Fluttershy chewed her lower lip, freezing every muscle in her body as she clamped her eyes tightly shut and held her breath, beginning to quiver slightly in anticipation so much that she had to force her hooves still.
It was the hardest time Discord ever had trying not to laugh.
He clicked his talons together, causing Fluttershy to yelp and cover her eyes with her hooves, certain that she was about to undergo a terribly painful or gruesome transformation sequence. Fluttershy even waited for the horrifying feeling to kick in – and she waited, and waited, and waited some more.
Eventually, she peeled her hooves off of her eyes, only to see a grinning Discord standing with a snicker before her.
“… I don’t feel any different,” Fluttershy inspected herself, prying at the odd cloth that she had been draped with.
“Oh, that’s just a draconequus disguise,” Discord rolled his paw through the air flippantly. “But if I didn’t know any better, I would have sworn you were a real draconequus!”
“Really?” she perked up eagerly, turning around in a couple of swift circles in her excitement. “Oh, my goodness! Do you really think I’m convincing?”
“Absolutely!” Discord lied cheerfully. “Why, you’re gorgeous!”
Fluttershy froze in horror, a pink tinge rising in her cheeks.
“… What?” Discord blinked.
“Oh no, oh no,” she panicked. “I don’t mean to present that kind of appeal, really-”
“Well then, quit doing it!” Discord threw a long arm over her shoulder cheerfully as he lazily led her toward Ponyville. “What do you say we abandon this particular awkward situation and go make some different ones?”
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“I don’t get it,” Fluttershy shifted uneasily as a few strange stares were tossed her way, trundling down the street beside her ‘fellow’ draconequus. “How is this really any different from normal?”
“Oh, it’s quite simple,” he explained, tail flicking playfully just behind his head like a very large cat. “But we’re going to start with staples of draconequus-hood, like chaos!”
“Does every draconequus have an obsession with chaos and disorder?” the pegasus rubbed one foreleg curiously, wondering if she would soon begin to develop an appetite for mayhem.
“Well, not really,” Discord shrugged. “Mainly just me. But you’ve got to learn it, too, or you’ll never be a fully-fledged draconequus.”
“O-oh, okay…” Fluttershy shuffled back and forth nervously, hardly noticing that they had come to a stop. “Wait, what are we doing at Sugarcube Corner?”
“See that mare in there?” he jabbed a thumb through the shop’s window, which bore a display stand positively littered with all sorts of treats and pastries.
“Pinkie Pie?” she peered in through the window, trying to stay out of sight. From the looks of it, Pinkie hadn’t actually seen them yet.
“Yeah,” Discord clapped his mismatched hands together gleefully. “She’s our first vict- uh, assistant.”
“Assistant?”
“Assistant,” he repeated. “She’s going to assist us in making you a better draconequus.”
“Oh,” Fluttershy nodded for a moment. “Wait, how so?”
“Well, first, you have to activate your super secret inherent magical draconequus chaos powers.”
“Activ-what?” she balked at him in confusion.
“Oh, yeah,” he shrugged again flippantly. “You totally have all the powers of a god of chaos now.”
Unsurprisingly, Fluttershy stared at him in disbelief for an uncomfortably long stretch of time.
“No, seriously!” Discord said completely unconvincingly. “Try it out through the window, just there.”
Fluttershy nervously looked around before placing her hooves an inch or so away from the shop’s window, pointing directly at Pinkie Pie. Stricken with a last minute fear that she might accidentally harm her friend without knowing how, she desperately tried to point her newfound ‘power’ elsewhere, wiggling her arms haphazardly.
Absolutely nothing happened.
“Um, oh dear,” Fluttershy said while trying to hide her relief. “I don’t think I did it.”
“I guess not,” the draconequus strained to hold back his laughter. “Maybe we need to get closer.”
And before she could stop him, Discord slipped through the door and dragged her silently along behind him.
They crept along the floor, their sneaking muffled by the sound of Pinkie Pie’s cheerful humming as she adoringly pored over her delectable works in Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen. They snuck right up next to the counter, remaining out of Pinkie’s sight.
“Go for it!” Discord grinned toothily, giving her a thumbs up of encouragement. “Spread some chaos, make us draconequuooses proud.”
“I thought it was draconequui?” she whispered back frantically.
“Yeah, them too!”
Desperate to finish her task and slip away before Pinkie Pie asked her precisely what she and Discord were doing huddled on the opposite side of the counter and potentially making her so embarrassed that she hid under her bed for a week, Fluttershy poked her head up slightly and peered around.
She flung out her hooves and jiggled them hard, flailing to make something happen.
Unbeknownst to Fluttershy, Discord waited until this exact moment to click his talons together, just as he had been planning.
A pair of slices of toast shot out of the toaster beside Pinkie Pie with a bang! and ricocheted off the ceiling, which was fortunately loud, because Fluttershy shrieked and dropped in fear at the same time. Even more fortunately, Pinkie Pie seemed to be even more preoccupied with the ruined toast than she was about the mysterious couple of shadows slinking around the corner.
“That was close,” Fluttershy breathed shakily, hooves slapping over her mouth too late.
“Is-is somepony there?” Pinkie Pie leaned slightly over the counter, looking around the empty room.
“Y-yes!” Fluttershy thought quickly of a plan to make Pinkie step away from the counter so that they could escape, huskily masking her voice from her hiding spot. “It is I, the toaster!”
“Whoa, no way!” Pinkie stared at the dull grey toaster suspiciously, looking around again before inspecting it closely. Perhaps it had been because of Fluttershy’s practice at throwing her voice, or maybe it had been because Discord was assisting her, or just maybe Fluttershy really had a little bit of chaotic magic of her own, but her voice really did come from the toaster.
“Yes, it is I!” Fluttershy insisted a tiny bit more bravely. “I am the toaster, and-and I demand more toast!”
“Isn’t that kind of pointless?” Pinkie asked the toaster in befuddlement. “I mean, you don’t put toast into a toaster, you put bread into a toaster. Wouldn’t that –”
“Toast!” Fluttershy bellowed, and Pinkie Pie immediately began jamming as much bread as she could into the little toaster, allowing the draconequus duo to slip away unnoticed.
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“Oh, my goodness!” Fluttershy blurted for the umpteenth time. “Wasn’t that exhilarating?”
“Yeah,” Discord deadpanned. “A real rollercoaster. Hey, let’s go prank – I mean, visit our dear friend, Twilight.”
“Do you think she knows anything about draconequui?” she pried, stepping swiftly next to him as they traveled to their next destination.
“I’ll bet she knows plenty,” he cackled. “But we’re not here for her knowledge, we’re here for yours. What have you learned so far?”
Fluttershy thought long and hard, furrowing her brows.
“… You have to wiggle your hoofies just right to make chaos happen?”
“Close enough,” he shrugged. “Time for the next lesson.”
It took them hardly any time at all to reach Golden Oaks library, and Fluttershy stared up at the impressive tree home.
“… Discord.”
“Yup.”
“You still haven’t told me what we’re doing,” Fluttershy mumbled.
“Well, I don’t know!” he said defensively. “I was following you!”
Discord was interrupted shortly afterwards by the opening wooden door, leaving a flabbergasted Twilight Sparkle standing in the doorway.
The unicorn looked back and forth between the draconequus and Fluttershy, who seemed to be cloaked in the most ridiculous outfit that she had ever seen; especially since it seemed to mirror Discord’s body parts.
And every time she started to speak, Twilight just looked back and forth between the two of them and shook her head before wordlessly closing the door.
Discord harrumphed, crossing his arms over his chest.
“How rude! Fluttershy, burn her house down.”
“What?!”
“Okay, okay,” he waved her off quickly. “Let’s just try that again. Except this time, try knocking with a little bit of that draconequus magic.”
Fluttershy chewed her lower lip, and carefully knocked on the library door.
She was genuinely surprised when Twilight wearily opened the door, and wasn’t certain if it had been because of chaos magic, or if the unicorn had just decided to open the door. It was very confusing to her.
“Um, h-hullo, Twilight,” Fluttershy hid behind her curtain of pink mane. “I’m terribly sorry to disturb you, I can just go away if you want-”
“It’s perfectly fine, Fluttershy,” Twilight breathed heavily through her nostrils. “It just took me a minute to prepare for this.”
“Oh!” the pegasus slapped her own forehead. “I am so sorry, I completely forgot! It must be because I don’t look anything like myself, is that right?”
Twilight started to answer and spotted the odd look from Discord, a somehow playful and simultaneously dangerous shaking of his head.
“… Sure,” she threw up her hooves in the air. “I didn’t even recognize you.”
“Oh, my goodness!” Fluttershy breathed excitedly. “Did I frighten you?”
“Yeah, why not. Discord, what are you up to this time?” Twilight asked flatly, completely unamused.
“Me?” Discord asked innocently, placing a paw over his own chest. “Why, I’m innocent. I’ve done nothing but help my dear friend Fluttershy learn all about being a draconequus.”
“Uh… huh,” Twilight stated. “Best of luck to you, then.”
And with that, Twilight Sparkle once more closed the door before they could gain entrance.
After a long moment, Discord asked “Are you sure-”
“We are not burning her house down, Discord!”
0-0-0-0-0
Twilight Sparkle had just begun to resume her much needed morning coffee before somepony began violently beating on her front door.
With a slow sigh, Twilight dragged herself to the library door and pried it open once more.
“I already told you, Dis- Pinkie Pie?”
The party mare, while usually upbeat and cheerful looking, didn’t necessarily look the opposite; if anything, Pinkie Pie appeared to be even more hyper than usual, which baffled Twilight.
“Praise be!” Pinkie threw her arms jubilantly around Twilight’s neck. “For the Great One informed me that you would be here, and here you are!”
“This has something to do with Discord, doesn’t it,” the unicorn deadpanned.
“What?” Pinkie blinked. “Oh, no – I’m just here to spread the good news!”
“News?” Twilight stared at her, prying the excited pony away.
“Yeah!” Pinkie held up a small grey box. “The Great Toaster is going to save us all!”
Twilight said absolutely nothing for approximately twenty-four seconds.
“… You’ve stopped taking your medicine again, haven’t you, Pinkie Pie.”
“But it’s true!” Pinkie insisted, hurt. “The Toast One said –”
“I am perfectly willing to listen to whatever it is that your toaster told you,” Twilight said without a hint of conviction. “Right after you take yourself back home and take your meds again. See you later, Pinkie.”
And with that, she closed the door right in the mare’s face.
Almost like she’d had practice.
Pinkie Pie huffed, carrying the toaster along with her under one arm as she carried on with three hooves. She wasn’t certain what was up with her friend, but she was being awfully rude. With that in mind, Pinkie started off to spread the ‘good news’ with somepony that would actually listen.
0-0-0-0-0
“Being a draconequus isn’t all that bad,” Fluttershy took another bite of her ice cream, licking a bit from the cone. She sat directly across from Discord at the outdoor café, who had multiple bowls of ice cream of every flavor dancing slowly around his head. His tongue darted out at random, snatching bits from this one and that with ease.
“Oh, sure,” he rolled his shoulders. “You say that now. But it’s really a lot harder than it looks. We haven’t even scratched the tip of the ice cream berg.”
Discord was swiftly interrupted by a great commotion traveling down the streets of Ponyville, causing them both to whirl around in their seats to discover the source of the racket. Dozens upon dozens of mares and stallions were marching along quickly, jabbering happily and passing out flyers as noisily as possible.
“Hey!” Discord grinned. “Looks like the next lesson in draconequusing just came to us.”
Fluttershy started to raise her hooves toward the oncoming crowd, but Discord slowly pushed them down.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” he chastised her chipperly. “Not every situation has to be injected with magic, you know. You can make plenty of chaos without it.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Fluttershy apologized, and he patted her on the head.
“Not to worry,” Discord smiled as the crowd approached. “Just try to remember; double you double you, dee dee.”
“Hmm?”
“What would Discord do?” he asked slyly, suddenly vanishing in a wisp of smoke.
Fluttershy was left staring at the spot that he had just been as multiple bowls of ice cream crashed to the ground, leaving her stunned.
“Excuse me, miss!” one of the approaching stallions marched up to her, followed by several others. “Excuse me, have you heard the good news?”
“I – what?” Fluttershy blinked, drawing herself out of her shock. “I’m sorry, what news?”
“The good news!” the tan stallion smiled eerily widely at her. “We’re representatives of the Holy Order of Toast.”
Fluttershy thought heavily for a moment, imagining just what would Discord do.
“Oh, my goodness,” Fluttershy nodded. “Why, I’ve heard all about it.”
“You-you have?” the tan stallion seemed a little surprised that somepony else had actually heard.
“Why, of course!” she lied with a toothy, hopefully ‘chaos-y’ smirk. “I was there when Pinkie Pie first heard the ‘toaster’ talking to her.”
The small and slowly growing group seemed completely awestruck by her words, gathering around her with numerous questions and praises.
“It’s one of the founders of the Holy Order of Toast!” one of them cried.
“It’s a sign from above!” shouted another.
“How can you tell it’s a sign from above?” Fluttershy asked the first one to speak to her in curiosity. “Or anything, for that matter?”
“Oh, easy!” he whipped out a piece of slightly burned toast, every single one of them imitating him. “You just have to read the toast. See?” the stallion thrust it under Fluttershy’s nose, and she reviewed it carefully.
“… It looks like Celestia’s butt.”
The entire crowd inhaled sharply and gasped in surprise, one of them even fainting.
And for just a moment, Fluttershy wondered if perhaps she were behaving a little too much like Discord. They all stared at her for an uncomfortably and agonizingly long stretch, in which Fluttershy mysteriously grew warmer and more embarrassed.
“Did you hear that?” one of them shouted.
“A sign! A sign, I tell you!”
“What does it mean, what does it mean!?”
“U-um, I don’t know,” Fluttershy passed back the toast nervously, the growing sense of being crowded in by so many ponies making her incredibly uneasy. “Maybe you should ask somepony else?”
“The draconequus speaks the truth!” the first stallion bellowed. “For ‘tis a sign, a sign indeed!”
“Only the great prophet could decipher this heavenly message!” another pointed out. Fluttershy took advantage of the distraction to fly away as quickly as possible in search of Discord, thoroughly certain that being a draconequus might have been a little more difficult than she initially thought. With a silent vow, Fluttershy sought the god of chaos to hopefully undo what he had done, because she really missed being a regular old pegasus by this point.
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Princess Celestia was the image of serenity itself.
She was peaceful as a field of wildflowers, and sturdy as the mountains themselves. Celestia was as tranquil as the crystal surface of a still lake in midsummer, and immovable and composed in such a way that were anypony to look upon her as she began to lower the sun, they would swear that they saw the face of innermost harmony.
“PRINCESS, WE’VE BEEN INVADED!”
Princess Celestia was a slightly agitated image of serenity itself shortly after that.
She turned from the balcony to the worried guard, nearly prancing back and forth in his fervor.
“Come again?” Celestia asked him.
“Invaded!” the pegasus exclaimed in terror. “Swarms of ponies, breaking down the castle barricades!”
“Really?” the princess of the sun asked. “It’s awfully quiet.”
“Well,” he shuffled inelegantly. “Actually, they all just came in through the front. But they’re still very riled up!”
Celestia had a thousand years to perfect her poker face, and it served her well.
“Very good,” she nodded to the guard. “You may be dismissed.”
He nodded violently and bolted back to the action, Princess Celestia trailing along behind him with long, graceful strides. Before long she stood before the throng of all sorts of ponies milling about in the main hall of her palace, and they all swarmed toward her the moment she appeared.
“Oh, dear,” Celestia looked around at her subjects. “What precisely is the meaning of today’s gathering, my little ponies?”
She said no more upon seeing none other than Pinkie Pie being carried on a makeshift throne of what appeared to be toasters, lugged by half a dozen ponies that were all decorated in toaster parts as armor.
“The Pink Prophet approacheth!” one of the crowd shouted, which was repeated numerous times throughout the hall.
“The Pink Prophet,” Celestia repeated slowly, watching the party mare march toward her with a toaster strapped to her forehead. “This should be interesting.”
“Celestia!” Pinkie Pie thrust a hoof out toward the quiet princess. “Your reign of terror is at an end!”
Shouts of ‘yeah!’ and ‘praise the toast!’ worked their way from the crowd, filling the air.
“Reign of terror,” the princess mused. “Oh, my. Might I ask exactly what has been so terrible for everypony?”
A dead silence fell over the hall within moments, and it was so quiet that one could have heard a pin drop. Somepony coughed, which seemed much louder than usual. Eventually, somepony piped up.
“… Taxes?”
Shouts of ‘yeah!’ and ‘praise the toast!’ worked their way from the crowd, filling the air again.
“No more shall the Holy Order of Toast bow before thine wickedness, Celestia!” Pinkie shouted, slapping the toaster strapped to her forehead a couple of times. “You shall bow before the supreme Toast! All hail the toast!”
Celestia said nothing for a full beat, only meeting the determined mare’s eyes.
After said moment, Celestia magicked the toaster from Pinkie Pie’s forehead and tossed it out the window. With as silent as the entire group was, every one of them heard every single tumble of the toaster as it fell down the mountainside.
It ended with an explosion.
“… I was being brainwashed!” Pinkie Pie gasped aloud after a few seconds. She rubbed her head desperately, overdramatically screeching “Brainwashed! Oh, thank you, wise and kind Princess Celestia!”
“You’re welcome,” Celestia deadpanned.
Within moments, every other pony in the congregation began following Pinkie Pie’s lead of ripping away toasters and flinging them out of windows.
Unfortunately, not all of those windows had been opened, so quite a bit of glass was broken in the process.
“I was brainwashed, too!” one of them shouted.
“So was I!”
“Brainwashed! Brainwashed, I tell you!”
“What does it mean? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!”
Celestia only sighed quietly and walked away.
She had been almost positive that this one would have been Discord’s fault.
0-0-0-0-0
