Dine and Derp
Dine and Derp
A Subordinate Six Short
by Legendary Emerald
The atmosphere within the Las Pegasus Postal Office was hot and lazy. Sun shined in through the two street-facing windows, illuminating a plain rectangular room that wore a beige and gray color scheme. Only two ponies were out on the floor. One was a blue earth pony stallion with a black mop of mane and a brown mop in his hooves; the other was a gray pegasus mare in a blue work jacket, working behind the reception counter.
“All done, Mr. Long Saddle!” Derpy called out as she filed her last letter. The door next to her opened up and a gray, balding stallion in an identical uniform trotted over to look at the shelving.
“Huh, I don't remember Mr. Sepia Tone getting this much mail before,” Long Saddle said wearily, examining the mail slots that Derpy stood proudly in front of. Every single outgoing slot was empty, except for one which was filled to bursting.
“Mr. Tone is such a sweet old man.” Derpy smiled. “He always talks to me when I drop off his mail, but he hardly ever gets any. So I thought that today, he deserved to get all of the letters!”
“How kind of you, Derpy,” Long Saddle said with a soul crushing sigh. “Well, your shift's over for the day, right? Please?”
“Yup! I'll be out of your mane in no time,” Derpy said, reaching over the counter and rubbing the top of Long Saddle's nearly hairless head. She vaulted over the tabletop and onto the other side. Her outstretched wings caressed the air lightly as she prepared for takeoff. “Bye bye!”
“See you later, Derpy,” Long Saddle replied, watching as Derpy flew through and out the doors to the post office. He sighed, looking at all the misfiled mail before turning to the janitor. “Mop Top? I've got another mess for you to clean up. Double pay, as usual.”
Derpy lazily floated between the skyscrapers that dominated the landscape of Las Pegasus, eyes peeled for anything or anypony of interest. She spotted a familiar pony down below exiting The Sweets Cart. The pony had a pink and blue mane, and was wearing a red and white candy striped outfit.
“Ooh, Bon Bon!” Derpy shouted to herself, immediately going into a dive bomb. She landed right in front of her target, beating her wings at the last possible second to slow her descent and not become a pancake against the hard pavement. She smiled at Bon Bon. “Hi!”
“H-hi, Derpy,” Bon Bon replied, taking several steps backwards, “how are you?”
“I'm good. Just got outta work.” Derpy said. “You?”
“Oh, well, I'm...” Bon Bon looked around herself uneasily and sighed. “I've been better.”
“Aww, what's wrong?” Derpy asked with a small frown.
“It's my job,” Bon Bon said, waving her hoof. “It's hard enough putting on a happy face for my fellow employees, especially that cook who took my... and some of our customer today have been... ugh. It's just been one of those days. But you know how it is, right, Derpy?”
“Not really,” Derpy answered matter-of-factually. “My job is a lot of fun. But the other ponies there never seem to be happy on days I work inside. Weird, huh?”
“How odd,” Bon Bon muttered. She lifted a hoof and glanced at the watch that hung around it. “I'm sorry, but my break only lasts a few minutes, and I already had to use part of it cleaning up somepony else's mess. I need to hurry if I'm going to get to the tofu-dog cart and back in time.”
“Okay. See you later then?” Derpy asked hopefully.
“Well, we live next door,” Bon Bon said with a chuckle. Derpy tilted her head to the side quizzically. “... That means 'yes'.”
“Ahh. Bye bye!” Derpy said. Bon Bon minutely shook her head and trotted off down the street, leaving Derpy to her own thoughts.
“Hmm, Bon Bon isn't having a fun day at her job,” Derpy spoke to herself in a hushed tone, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. “That's so sad! Maybe I can get the diner to close down early today? But how would I...”
As soon as she'd finished speaking, an empty, brown paper bag blew by in the wind, stopping against one of her forelegs.
“Perfect,” she said, chuckling to herself.
“Hi! Table for one, please!”
Derpy stood at the counter, wearing a paper bag over her head with two large eye-holes torn out of it. The unicorn behind the register smiled; she wore the same uniform as Bon Bon, but it didn't go as well with this pony's dark blue coat and bleach blonde mane. Her name tag read 'Soozy'.
“Oh, hello Ms. Derpy. Right this way,” Soozy answered cordially. She picked up a menu in her teeth and trotted towards the back of the diner.
Derpy's right ear flicked in the air. She looked about herself with interest, and her gaze landed on her cutie mark. “Oh,” she mouthed.
The waitress stopped at a small, circular table, waiting for Derpy to follow. Derpy threw her head back and let the mask drop to the floor before obediently following Soozy.
The Sweets Cart's interior fit its exterior well. It was a small diner, but in a cozy sort of way. The walls were painted fire-engine red, and the carpeting was a pleasant mauve crossed with patterns drawn in golden-brown. The tables were round and beige, and a head-high wall separated the two halves of the seating area. Only the left half of the room had any ponies seated, and that's where the waitress had led Derpy.
“This is a standing table. Is that alright with you?” Soozy asked as they reached a table at the back of the room. Derpy nodded. “Okay. And what would you like to drink?”
“Uhm, coffee?” Derpy asked, taking her place at the end of the table. Soozy smiled and nodded before trotting off.
“Now's my chance,” Derpy whispered to herself, eying the four customers that were unlucky enough to be sharing the diner with her that day. "I just gotta be extra 'me'. But, like, on purpose."
To her right, a middle aged earth pony couple sat at a booth, idly chatting with one another. To her left, a unicorn stallion sat on a stool at a small table, reading a newspaper and occasionally sipping from a transparent glass. Lastly, a pegasus mare stood in front of her at the last occupied table, facing the other direction.
Derpy rubbed her hooves together as an attempt at a sinister smile crossed her features. She stood there plotting until Soozy reappeared with a large tray levitating in front of her. She stopped at the couple's booth and magically handed out the plates. After the ponies had been served, Soozy turned around to regard Derpy.
“Coffee'll be out in a minute. Brewing a new pot, just for you,” Soozy said, turning and trotting away.
“Aww, thanks!” Derpy smiled sweetly, before her voice took on a gravelly tone. “Too bad I must destroy you.”
Derpy tip-tapped on sneaky hooves towards the couple’s booth, the sweet scent of a fresh cooked meal leading her by the nose. She took in a big sniff and sped up until she was nearly sprinting, and came to a halt with her head hovering over the edge of the table.
“What'cha eating?” Derpy asked innocently. The couple looked to one another warily before the stallion answered.
“Uh, it's just some-” he began.
“Wait, don't tell me!” Derpy threw up a hoof to halt him. She closed her eyes and positioned her snout directly above the mare's meal.
Derpy's nose wiggled as she took several savory sniffs, face edging closer with each intake, until she was practically engulfed in the foody mass.
SNRRK!
“By dose, by does!” Derpy screaming, flinging her head back, nostrils full of sweet potato. She collapsed onto her back and spasmed. “I gan'd breed!”
“Your mouth, mare, use your mouth!” the stallion shouted.
“Duuurp! Duuurp!” Derpy did her best sea bass impersonation.
“Take this!” the other mare yelled, jumping off her seat and pushing a handkerchief towards Derpy.
“Ahchoo!” Potatoey globs struck the other mare in the face, missing the napkin completely. Derpy sniffled. “So it was a sweet potato, right?”
The mare's left eye twitched, but she made no other movement.
“Honey, are you alright?” the stallion asking, prodding his date. The statuesque unicorn bobbed from side to side before settling like a stone.
“Four thousand twelve. The Great Food Fight of Canterlot Halls. So many projectiles. So many fallen friends,” she mono-toned.
“Oh great, you've triggered her PTSD!” the stallion glared at Derpy. “Now we'll be spending our anniversary in a therapy office. Again!”
The stallion's horn lit up with blue light as a similar tinged aura pick up his mate. He carried her out of the dine, ignoring Soozy as she returned from the kitchen with a pot of coffee.
“What just happened?” Soozy asked, staring out the door. Derpy zipped over back to her own table.
“I don't know. Something about Pony Time Super Demons.” Derpy shrugged.
“Sounds scary,” Soozy said with a shiver, levitating a cup of coffee onto the table. “W-well, here's your coffee. Are you ready to order? We have a fresh batch of muffins prepared this evening.”
“Hmm, I'm feeling a bit daring today. How about a waffle?” Derpy asked. Soozy blinked in surprise, but nodded.
“Okay, we'll have it out for you in just a moment,” Soozy responded, turning to leave. She saw the mess left behind at the couple's table and muttered, “Bon Bon can deal with that.”
Once the waitress was out of sight, Derpy pumped a hoof hoof in victory. She beamed at the two remaining customers. Or rather, her victims. Derpy caught the eye of the pegasus. The pegasus whipped her head back around as soon as she was noticed. The earth pony who hid behind his newspaper wasn't disturbed by Derpy's gaze, and continued to nonchalantly sip from his glass.
“Target acquired,” Derpy said, sipping her coffee with a mischievous smirk. Her eyes lit up as the bitter drink reached her tongue. “Mm, I could use some more of this!”
Derpy spied a full coffee pot sitting on the counter next to the kitchen door. She dropped low to the floor and skittered over to it like a four legged spider. Grabbing the handle of the pot with her left wing, she started back towards her table when she noticed that the stallion's glass had been emptied. She stood up straight and sauntered over to the stallion.
“Hi,” Derpy greeted him.
“Hello,” the stallion muttered automatically, not bothering to look up from his paper.
“What'cha readin'?” Derpy asked, looking over the stallion's shoulders. “Ooh, the price of electricity is going up again. You know what fixes that? Coffee. You need more coffee?”
“This is an iced tea glass,” he answered.
“I think your glass needs more coffee,” Derpy said, beginning to pour the coffee into the stallion's glass. The stallion watched in silence as the level of the fluid rose steadily and began to overflow.
As coffee cascaded down the edge of the table, Derpy continued to pour and smile happily at the stallion. The stallion didn't bat an eye. Derpy frowned, and ceased pouring the brown liquid. The stallion turned his full attention back to his newspaper.
A hot brown liquid splashed onto the newspaper, rinsing the words from the pages.
“I think your newspaper needs more coffee.” Derpy said, pouring the pot's contents onto the newspaper until it was soggy that the middle of the paper collapsed in the stallion's hooves. She was careful to not splash any on the customer himself.
Without so much as a sound, the stallion dropped the remains of his newspaper and reached beneath his seat to grab a fedora.
"Uhm, you might not wanna to put that on, mister, it's got-" Derpy fidgeted. The stallion stoically placed the hat on his head, searing hot coffee dripping down from its rim onto his face. He did not so much as blink as he heaved himself up from his stool and trotted out the door.
The only remaining customer watched as the front door swung closed. The pegasus looked back to see Derpy standing at the now empty table. Derpy smiled.
“Coffee?” Derpy asked, holding up the nearly empty pot.
The customer's eyes shot wide. She downed the rest of her drink in a single gulp, got to her hooves, and shot through the front window with a single flap of her wings. Shattered glass twinkled to the floor as Derpy continued to smile innocently.
“What in the hay?” Soozy shouted as she ran out of the kitchen, a plate suspended by magic in the air next to her. She looked first to the broken window, then to the coffee soaked table, before her eyes locked on Derpy, seated at her own table once more.
“You've gotten some weird customers today, Ma'am,” Derpy said matter-of-factually.
“Y-yes. Well, the customer is always right. Somehow,” Soozy said hurriedly, glancing at the ponies outside the diner who were looking in at the source of all the commotion.
“Bet you're gonna have to close the diner for the rest of the day, huh?” Derpy asked, a bit too cheerfully.
“N-no, this is fine. I'll just have Bon Bon grab a broom, a mop, some nails, several 2x4s...” Soozy looked to Derpy and realization lit up in her eyes. “Oh! Sorry, here's your waffle.”
Soozy left the plate on the table and began to walk away.
“Shoot!” Derpy whispered. “I'm just making things worse for Bon Bon when she gets back. I need to shut this place down before she gets back! But how?”
Derpy picked up her waffle in her hooves, yelping as it turned the tips of her hooves red. She stared at the waffle with a curious expression.
“Ma'am?” Derpy raised her still-steaming hoof, grabbing the Soozy's attention. “I think you gave me somepony else's order.”
“But, Ms. Derpy,” Soozy looked around at the empty diner, “you're the only pony here.”
“Then how come you gave me a pancake?” Derpy asked.
“... Excuse me?”
“Square holes, retains syrup?” Derpy poured syrup over her breakfast and then lifted up the plate to show the other mare. “Pancake.”
“Oh dear Luna...” Soozy held her forehead in her fore-hoof.
Bon Bon walked into the Sweets Cart to see that the diner was in shambles. There were coffee stains underneath one table, one of the front windows was completely busted out, her boss was frantically picking up money from the cash register, which had fallen to the ground, and there was a very loud argument erupting from the kitchen.
“Bon Bon!” Soozy called out, crouched behind the counter. “There's a crazy mare here! She-”
“I don't have to deal with this!” a voice bellowed from the kitchen, followed by a burly stallion who ran out in a huff, tossing his apron on the ground as he left the building. A gray mare came out of the kitchen next, holding a plate with a waffle on it.
“You're just afraid to admit you're wrong!” Derpy shouted after the cook. “The truth will set you free!”
Derpy turned her head and noticed Bon Bon standing still, her mouth wide open. Derpy's expression momentarily lit up, but she squashed the emotion when she saw Soozy. The mail mare looked at the waffle in her ever-reddening hoof, then to Bon Bon. Her eyes flicked between the two as the gears in her head almost audibly clicked and whirred.
“Derpy! Put the waffle! Down!” Soozy over enunciated.
“Oops!” Derpy shouted purposefully, hurling the waffle at Bon Bon's face. The crispy breakfast treat struck Bon Bon's muzzle, which punctured the waffle. The waffle came to rest in front of Bon Bon's face, only her nose, mouth, ears and mane visible. A low growl passed though Bon Bon's gritted teeth.
Silence filled the diner.
“A-and on top of it all, it was overcooked!” Derpy complained, stomping a hoof.
“Oh, Celestia, what do I?” Soozy collapsed to the ground ,covering her head with her hooves. “Is the customer always right, even when she's out of her mind?”
“Soozy...” Bon Bon began.
“If she is right, should -I- go out of my mind?” Soozy asked, pupils shrunk to periods while her eyes vibrated in her skull.
“Soozy!” Bon Bon grabbed the back of Soozy's collar with her teeth and hoisted the mare onto her own four legs. “Get a hold of yourself! Or do we need to go through the clique where I have to quite literally slap some sense into you?”
“I-I, no, I'm good. Thank you,” Soozy stammered, still shaking. Bon Bon frowned ever so slightly.
“Good. So, go hide behind the counter or something while I deal with this... miscreant,” Bon Bon said, motioning to Derpy.
“What are you going to do?” Soozy asked as she scampered behind the podium.
“I will be taking Ms. Hooves to the local authorities.”
“What? You can'd do that!” Derpy said. “I'll go crazy in the big house!”
“Better the big house than the tiny diner.” Bon Bon said, walking up to Derpy and biting onto her ear. “Conshider dish a shitishen's arresht.”
“This is a violation of my rights!” Derpy cried out as Bon Bon dragged her towards the door. “I'll call my lawyer! I'll call my mom! I'll call my uncle Wingzee! Wait, I don't have an uncle Wingzee. I'll call my-”
“Whew! Thanks for getting me out of there, Bon Bon,” Derpy said once they'd cleared the vicinity of the diner
“No oh'lem,” Bon Bon muttered, still clamped onto Derpy's ear.
“Hah, yeah, I guess I didn't really plan that far ahead.”
“Uh huh.”
“So, uh, when are you gonna let go of my ear? It'd be pretty embarrassing to do my rounds next morning with a hickey.”
Bon Bon spat out Derpy's ear and sputtered her tongue, hair flying out of her mouth. She glared at Derpy. “Well, the police station is only five more blocks away. I suppose I can bring you there with some of your dignity intact.”
“What?” Derpy took a step back. “But I just got you the day off from work!”
“Among other atrocities,” Bon Bon said. She blinked.“Wait, that's why you did it?”
“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a muffin in my eye!” Derpy's hoof ran through the motion of the promise.
“Don't. Don't do that.” Bon Bon rubbed her left temple. “Back when I was interning at Sugar Cube Corner, I heard that about a hundred times a day.”
“See, you have so much baking experience! Everypony used to come in for your chocolate dutch cake. You shouldn't have to waste a great day working someplace you don't like.” Derpy said.
“I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm not working there for the fun of it. I need to pay my own share of the rent,” Bon Bon explained.
“But doesn't Lyra make more in one show than you make in, like, a month?” Derpy asked.
“That's besides the point,” Bon Bon huffed.
“I'm sorry.” Derpy hung her head.
“It's.. it's fine,” Bon Bon said, walking next to the mail-mare as they trotted down the street.
“I hit you in the face with a pancake.” Derpy sniffed. “I'm a terrible friend.”
“Waff-” Bon Bon shook her head. “And I almost dragged you off to the police station. What kind of friend does that make me?”
“You talk to me even when I'm not delivering a letter. For me, that makes you one of my best friends,” Derpy said.
“W-wow. I...” Bon Bon paused. She turned to face Derpy. “And... you're one of the few friends I've ever had. I'm sorry that... I'm sorry that I haven't appreciated you enough.”
Derpy launched herself at Bon Bon, bringing the two into a close embrace. Bon Bon smiled awkwardly, but patted the pegasus on the back with her hoof.
“Hey, what do you say we go pick up Lyra and get some drinks?” Bon Bon said, unraveling herself from Derpy's hug.
“Hmm? But isn't it only, like, 3 PM?” Derpy asked, cocking her head to the side.
“Don't I know it...” Bon Bon chuckled.
