Mom?
I was sure you were going to read this letter while watching me lying on the floor, leaving this world and my life as silently as I was living it. I was not going to be here anymore, mom. I was supposed to be up there.
The whole day I thought that this is the time we are going to separate. Finally, I was supposed to be free, without duties, debts and regrets. It was so nice thought. So tempting. Away once and for all.
I thought I was going to kill myself today.
I did even have some nice pills ready to execute the thing properly, without blood, the most peaceful way it could have been done. I have really spent a lot of time thinking about it. I was determined to do that. Nothing could ever stop me.
Oh god, see how mighty stupid I was? I do now.
I wanted to solve our case, the silent fight that was going on for years. I wanted to forget about all of my mistakes. There were plenty.
I wanted to forget about all the bad things I have done to you in the past years, all the arguments I have caused over nothing.
I wanted not to live.
It would have been easier, wouldn’t it? No fights, no yelling. No more disappointment. Easy way.
It would be quick and with no problems whatsoever. I would die and we won’t have arguments for any longer.
But it is not as easy as it looks, right? Being dead would be nice for me and it would kind of solve it all, but that’s not how normal, rational ponies do it.
It would be running away from things. I admit, that is how all of my life is, but that does not mean it’s okay. Brave ponies do not run. It is just not right.
Running away from troubles. My most effective plan in any situation that is not that much pleasant for me. Cowardice, I call it now. I am no longer afraid to call it by its true name. That is a good step forward.
Isn't it? Knowing your problems.
But do you know why did I not do that? What is that thing that ultimately stopped me from taking the pills? Why am I not yet dead? Nothing like honor and such things have hooves in it.
You all.
That got far above the line of what was I going to do. Killing myself, fine. But I was not going to bring down some of my family.
You all got me into thinking deeper.
That’s why am I still here.
And then I opened my eyes.
And saw it is not all about me. Nothing is just about me, ever. You need me and I need you. We all know that’s true. No sense in denying that.
We are family, we always were. And we will always be.
I thought my past mistakes would ever change that. That something could ever change that. See how stupid I was?
Nothing, ever, could split us, dad and everypony else apart. Only death. But it is not coming today.
You were always right. You talked to me about my problems, and I ignored you. You were trying to help me.
I was too focused on myself that I just stopped caring about everything and everypony else. Once it seemed fine.
But I missed you. More and more. You all were a part of my life and I failed to act like that. I was an idiot, I admit that.
It took so long for me to see. So many long months, maybe even years of solitude for me. I chose it.
And I regret it.
There were so many things we could do together, if not for my stubborn head. Trips to the forest, museums, cinema and just everything a mother and a father does with their son.
Awesome, isn’t it? I chose to leave, not to bother you, to spare the world of my existence, to delete the burden on your back.
What would I get? One forever sad mother, father, uncle, aunt, grandma…
It would be a nightmare or everypony.
Even for me.
I’d die, that’s it. Maybe I’d wake up as an ant or an eagle. Who knows?
I would not be spared of life.
I see it now.
So I write this as an apology and hope everything will be fine once again. We’ll be friends again.
Hope is the word. The one that I needed. Without hope, nothing would make sense.
Well, now I understand the word. Not a hollow phrase. It gives me the power to try again. And that’s what do I need right now.
I hope we’ll be fine. Me, you, dad, everypony. That everything will be okay like it once was.
I hope we’ll bury the hatchet once and for ever. I am tired of our little wars, however subtle and quiet they may be. We are family, and we should act as such.
I hope I’ll live like a normal pony does. Not only with himself, in his only little room, but outside, with lots of friends.
I hope I’ll never want to kill myself again. It’s frustrating to fight with yourself over and over. I battled for my life, and I won.
Only so close to death, I saw how much do I want to live. And how much need others me to live.
I guess world is full of such things.
I guess it doesn’t matter now. We have an awful lot of things to discuss tomorrow. There are quite a bit of possibilities that could come of it, some compromises and stuff.
Nothing is sure to be.
But everything is gonna be back to normal.
Because mom,
I don’t wanna die.
I wanna be here for you.
Forever.
