Why Hobbies Are Bad: the Thoughts of a Procrastinator
Snails sat by his desk, quill floating in his magic, blank paper before him. His throat felt dry, his head was pounding again. He stared at the sheet of paper. He’d had a week and not one word to show for it.
The assignment was so simple it was maddening.
All he had to do was write a short report and presentation about an important pony from ancient history. Snails had gone for Queen Patina; the last unicorn ruler before the uniting of the tribes, the one who requested and commissioned at least ten of Star Swirl the Bearded’s most famous spells, and the first sovereign to create and manage a school system that allowed for individual growth as well as meeting certain standards. She’d basically founded Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns before Princess Celestia had even thought of it.
It was a perfect choice, really: Patina was well-known enough so everypony would know who she was, but she was obscure enough so he’d be able to tell the class some things they didn’t know yet. It was right up his alley. There was just one problem.
I don’t see it. How am I supposed to start? Do I start with when Patina was born? Do I start with how her sister might have been queen? Do I skip that and just go with why those spells she commissioned were so important? Maybe I should just talk about how she lived. What did Cheerilee say the assignment was? She didn’t say anything about what we’d be graded on, did she? Maybe she did and I just wasn’t paying attention… again. Is three pages going to be enough?
Snails felt his horn flicker with magic. A nervous knot had formed in the pit of his stomach, his arms were shaky, his breath came in short gasps. Come on, just write something, anything. This report is due next week, you can’t keep wasting time like this! His body shook all over, his horn went numb, and he caught himself taking deep breaths through his mouth. With a sigh, he let his quill float back down. Maybe I should just take a walk first. Can’t write anything if I don’t know what, right? I just need to relax, clear my head. I don’t feel like writing right now.
Snails walked out of his room, down the stairs and out the door. He followed the small river alongside his home and waved to Sweetie Belle’s dad, Magnum. Magnum didn’t notice, too busy fishing. Snails didn’t bother trying to talk to the stallion. Better keep quiet; wouldn’t want to chase away any rare kois, like last time.
Snails let his head hang. Walking around aimlessly, he ignored the sounds of ponies passing him by, not like they really noticed him. Kids were running around in the streets, playing, but he forced himself to block out the sounds. The noise rang in his head, though, gnawing away at the peaceful cage of focus he’d tried to lock himself in. The throbbing in his skull wouldn’t relent. What am I doing? I should’ve just stayed home. I should have just forced myself to write. He clenched his jaw. He’d have made a fist if nature had provided him with the means.
When he looked around to check where he’d ended up, he was in front of the comic book store. He spotted his usual targets, or rather former usual targets, in the display window.
“New Animal Mare, Available Now.”
He groaned to himself. Animal Mare: the comic book to end all comic books. The only comic book he really got into.
The only one he really had to quit.
Snails waited eagerly for his report card, big smile on his face as always. Miss Cheerilee went down the line and gave everypony some feedback.
“Good job, Sweetie Belle. Maybe a little more practice on your drawing skills.”
“Nice work, Scootaloo. I knew you’d pick up the slack.”
“Apple Bloom, you’re doing well, but maybe try to mind your accent for presentations?”
“I ain’t got an accent!”
Cue roll of the eyes, an idle sigh, and Cheerilee moving on. Snails had gotten used to the routine by now, as had the rest of class.
Finally, Snails got his turn. Cheerilee’s expression hardened ever so slightly. He caught the hint of apprehension, maybe even disappointment. His smile faded. Cheerilee's looked forced. “Snails, I think you’ve just had a bad test, and your last homework wasn't that good, either.”
She gave him the paper. Presentation skills were passable, drawing was no more than okay, his writing was fairly good, almost aced, even. History was slipping compared to the start of the year, not a big worry yet.
But he was failing maths. He was in the red.
Cheerilee looked away. “I’ll get the tests back when I’m done correcting the ones from the other class. But do you know what you did wrong, Snails?”
Snails shrugged, still staring at the paper. “U-um, maybe I didn’t study enough?”
Cheerilee nodded. “I’m sure that’s it. Just a little less time reading comic books and a little more time studying ought to do it.”
Snails grumbled to himself and walked away. It’s just comic books. It can wait. It’ll be there when my grades are better again.
He sighed and wandered off in another random direction, not really minding where he was going. He noticed Scootaloo passing him by, going his way. She didn’t seem to notice him. Nopony really did, unless he was goofing off like a moron.
Do a magic act, Snips said. Make it look funny, he said. Dumb Snips. Why’d I ever hang out with him, anyway?
“Hey Snails, you wanna get the new Animal Mare?” Snips called out.
Snails went to his window and stuck his head out. “Nah, I’ll get it later. I need to study.”
The blue colt shrugged. “Okay. See you around.”
Snails went back to his books. With another math test tomorrow and a history report due in two weeks, he was determined to go the extra mile. He went over the equations and the exercises time after time, until he was sure he could do it properly.
By the time he was satisfied, his head was pounding. He draped himself over his bed.
Okay, that ought to do it. What do I need to do next? He brought another piece of paper over and checked. Writing, of course. Gotta keep up the writing; that’s the only thing I’m still good at.
He paused to think of what to write. I could write that history report now. But I don’t have any books about Queen Patina. The library’ll close in half an hour, that’s not gonna be enough time to look for the right one. I’ll just write another story, gotta keep that up.
He sat up and took the pen in his mouth this time, to spare his magic. He scribbled down a random dialogue about pears and oranges between two foals from farming families, the usual cute stuff he’d submit anonymously to the Foal Free Press that somehow always got a chuckle out of whoever read it. No one knew it was Snails writing it, and that was just fine by him.
Let's see... some puns with pairs and pears, both trying to one-up the other, and then a flying kiwi at the end...
It was just doodling. He was good at that, and it helped keep up his grades. That is to say, it helped for some of his grades, at least, unlike his comic books. When he was done with the dialogue, he put the paper beside him and laid back on his bed. He looked to his Animal Mare collection.
I don’t really need to get the next ones right away. It’s not like I’ve got time to spare, anyhow. I can get it later.
Snails walked into the clubhouse to find most of his class already there, along with a few teens and even some grownups. The walls of the clubhouse were adorned with Animal Mare posters, and the trademarked ‘A’ logo was all over caps, T-shirts, and armbands. It made him feel naked, almost, not that he wasn’t usually naked to begin with.
He snapped out of his reverie when he found himself face to face with a grey filly wearing glasses, a blue and orange Animal Mare cap and a smile he didn’t usually see on her. “Hey, Snails!”
Snails looked around, noting nopony else really noticed him. “Hey, Silver Spoon.”
“If you’re looking for Snips, he’s not here.”
Snails looked around again. “Oh, that’s okay. I wasn’t really looking for anypony, just hopping in.”
Silver Spoon shrugged. “So what do you think of the new Animal Mare, huh?”
Snails sat down near the punch bowl. He considered drinking some, but decided against it. “I don’t know. I haven’t read it yet.”
Silver smiled. “Oh, that’s fine; you can borrow mine sometime if you like.”
Snails flashed her a weak smile in response. “That’s really nice, but no thanks.”
“Or you could save up some money and get your own copy, if that’s more your thing. What do you think of the new stories so far?”
Snails looked away. “I don’t really know, Silver Spoon. I haven’t read any of the new issues. Not since they ended with that shapeshifter thing.”
Silver Spoon adjusted her glasses at that. “Really? Nothing? Not since the shapeshifter?”
“Um, no, not really. I kinda stopped after Animal Mare got her new powers.” He fidgeted, still avoiding looking Silver Spoon in the eye.
“What’s the matter?” Diamond Tiara came to join in on the conversation.
Silver turned to her friend, lowering her voice to a whisper. “Snails hasn’t read any of the new issues since the shapeshifter thing.”
Diamond Tiara gagged. “Don’t tell me you’re one of those geeks who only wanted one pony with animal powers?”
Snails shook his head. “Not really, no. I kinda liked the idea of it being a trained thing and there being more of them.”
Diamond Tiara looked around casually, checking where Apple Bloom and her friends were. Once she was sure they were out of earshot, she leaned in. “You’re not, like, really that poor that you can’t get the comics, are you?”
“What? No, of course not! I just… don’t feel like reading them anymore, that’s all.”
Silver Spoon cocked her head. “Why? Do you think they suck now? Because they totally don’t. They’re awesome, and they even got the Nowhere Claw in one now, can you imagine?” She held up a hoof in front of her mouth. “Oh, sorry. That’s, like, a spoiler, isn’t it?”
Snails sighed. “Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not that. I’m sure they are good now, really good. I just don’t feel like reading them.”
Diamond shot Silver a questioning look before turning to the colt. “Then why are you here, at an Animal Mare fan club meeting?”
Snails’ heart sank. His throat tightened, but he refused to sob in front of the girls. He just sighed in resignation. “Fine. You’re right, I shouldn’t be here. Sorry for dropping in like this.”
Diamond just stared in surprise as Snails walked off amid the chatting fans, his head hung low. “Hey, what are you-”
Snails didn’t look back.
Diamond Tiara fell quiet, before turning to Silver Spoon. “Is it just me, or does Snails look a little greyer than usual?”
He didn’t hear. He just plodded down the ramp of the clubhouse. Well, that was a waste of time. Why couldn’t I just start on that report?
Why can’t I get started on this? It’s been two weeks, for crying out loud!
Snails sat under a tree near his house, paper in front of him and quill floating in his magic. Another week had almost passed, and he wasn’t one step closer to his report on Queen Patina. To make matters worse, he’d gotten the result of his last math test.
Still not good enough. Still didn’t put enough time in it. I barely passed, it wasn’t enough to make up for last time. It’s still gonna be a fail on my report card. Again.
He sighed and tried to focus on the matter at hand.
I don’t see it. What do I need to do here? How does it need to end up looking?
How am I supposed to do this right?
He lifted his quill to the paper.
I can’t afford to get this wrong.
He clenched his eyes shut when the image of his latest grade flashed in his mind. He unclenched his jaw and sat back, still holding the quill uselessly in front of him.
I need to clear my head.
“Snails?”
He turned to the pony who’d addressed him. “Huh? Oh, hey, Diamond.”
Diamond Tiara walked up to sit in front of him. “Um, look, I know I don’t usually do this, but… are you, like, feeling all right?”
Snails shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Diamond looked away. “No real reason. It’s just that you haven’t said anything since you came to the fan club last week. To anypony. And I haven’t seen you hanging out with Snips in forever.”
Snails grumbled. “Yeah, well, me and Snips didn’t hang out much to begin with.”
That got a shock out of her. “What are you talking about? You two used to hang out all the time. Isn’t he, like, your friend?”
The boy grumbled more loudly. “Not really. All he ever did was get me in trouble or make me act goofy. It got so bad I didn’t even realise I was doing it. I just don’t like the same stuff he does, and I didn’t wanna act goofy anymore, so I don’t. We only hung out together because we’re the only unicorn colts in town. That’s the only thing we have in common.”
Diamond Tiara frowned. “That’s not true. There’s plenty of unicorn colts around here.”
He looked her in the eye. “Oh yeah? Name three.”
“Well, there’s you, Snips, and umm… umm…” Diamond put a hoof to her chin, pondering. “Oh, there’s that kid the Foal Free Press talked about a couple weeks ago, the one with the weird eyes.”
Snails raised his eyebrow. “You mean Dreamy? That’s the only other unicorn colt you can think of?”
“Uh huh. You could hang out with him.”
“No, I can’t, because he’s not real! He’s just some pony I made up to write a story!” Snails caught himself shouting. He covered his mouth with a hoof, but it was too late.
Diamond blinked. “Oh, so you’re the guy who’s been writing all that stuff, huh? Hey, you’ve got some pretty funny ideas, you know.”
“I guess.” He looked at the ground.
“Um, that was a compliment? You’re supposed to be happy about that.”
Snails gulped, trying to hold back a sob. He didn't want to rub his eyes to give it away. “Sorry. I haven’t been feeling so good lately.”
Diamond bit her lip, then sighed. “You could try talking about it. I mean, you looked kinda upset when you left the fan club. Did your mom and dad tell you you couldn’t read Animal Mare anymore?”
He shook his head slowly. “Kinda, but not really. They didn’t tell me I couldn’t, no.”
“So what’s the matter?”
Snails groaned and slapped the offending blank page before him. “It’s this stupid history report. I can’t get started on it, and it’s due tomorrow. I’ve had two weeks and I can’t get a word on paper. I don’t know what I’m supposed to write, and I don’t know what I’m gonna say tomorrow.”
“So? It’s just a couple of pages. It took me, like, ten minutes to write mine.”
“You don’t understand. I’ve been…” He closed his eyes and held back a sob. “My grades have been going down for months now. If this report isn’t perfect, I could fail history class, and I’ve already been failing other stuff. I just don’t wanna waste time on stuff that doesn’t make my grades any better, that’s all.”
Diamond blinked when Snails opened his eyes again. She could see his eyes watering over, but he didn’t cry, not yet. Somehow, she didn’t feel like making him. “Uhuh. What about at school? You still play while we have a break. That doesn’t make your grades any better.”
“No, but that’s not something I can’t stop doing. If I really have to, I can do something else then.”
“So you’re not gonna write for the Foal Free Press anymore, either, then? No more funny stories?”
“Sure I will: that actually helps. I can practise writing with that, and ponies enjoy it,” he argued. “It’s not the same as studying, but it helps for something, at least.”
Diamond Tiara thought for a moment, before summing it all up. “So let me get this straight: you don’t read Animal Mare anymore because you don’t wanna waste time, so you only waste time on stuff that’s really a waste of time and you don’t even enjoy all that much.”
Snails sighed. “You don’t understand.”
The pink filly winced. “I think I do, actually. You only do stuff you’re not attached to, because that doesn’t hurt as much afterward. But the stuff you do enjoy, you feel guilty about, because if you fail, then you know you failed because you wanted to enjoy yourself instead of work. And now that you’re already failing, you’re scared of doing anything, even work.”
“I am not scared.”
Diamond nodded. “Yeah, you are, you just don’t wanna admit it. You’re scared that whatever time and work you put into that report is gonna be for nothing. And if that was for nothing, you might as well not have done it at all. You’d have been better off spending that time doing something you know will work, like the Foal Free Press thing. So why work for anything if you’re gonna fail anyway?”
The colt threw his head back in frustration. “That’s not it at-” He caught himself. After thinking it over, he tilted his head at the girl. “Wow, you’re… you’re right. You’re totally right. I never thought of it like that. How do you know that?”
“I’ve kinda got the same thing going on, remember? Everypony already knows I’m a bad girl, that I’m mean all the time. If I started being good, ponies would still punish me for being bad before. Nopony’s gonna forgive me if I apologise, nopony’s gonna start liking me for being nice, so why start?”
“Guess that does explain it. You could still try, though. You don’t have to be scared of being nice.” he offered.
She gestured towards him. “I’m being nice to you right now, aren’t I? And you don’t have to be scared of failing, either. If your grades need work, you should do something about it.”
He rolled his eyes. “I am doing something about it. I’ve already given up a lot of stuff I liked to do.”
“Yeah, but you’re supposed to start enjoying yourself again once it works, aren’t you? And if giving up stuff doesn’t help, you should try to find something that does. If you really like reading comic books, when are you gonna start again?”
Snails suppressed another sob. He finally wiped his eyes to hide the tears that had been trying to get out for a while now. “When I get good grades, okay? When I get my report card and Miss Cheerilee doesn’t tell me I need to work harder. When my mom and dad smile when they see my report card instead of just signing it and sighing. Then I won’t feel guilty about doing something just for me. In the meantime, it just… I just don’t feel like it anymore. I wouldn’t enjoy it even if I did read it, not with my grades hanging over me like this. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or not, it’d be bad for me. As long as I’m doing this bad, I’d hate it anyway. And I'd hate myself for reading it in the first place.”
Diamond Tiara winced again. “Really? You don’t wanna do anything just for yourself, until you get good grades again? You’re just gonna study and write all the time?”
“I still do crosswords when I’m too tired to write, I still play. Not like I couldn’t quit that, too, if I had to. I just don’t wanna end up hating something I used to like, so I don’t start it at all. That way, I’ll still like it once I do get back to it. I mean, I think I will. I hope so.” He winced at the thought. “I keep hearing how good it is, so I probably will, just not now, and not before my grades pick up.”
“Umm, no offense, but that doesn’t sound healthy. Everypony needs to enjoy themselves sometimes. You can’t keep giving up on stuff you enjoy, especially if it’s not helping. If you keep this up, you’re going to be miserable, and you’ll still fail. You should talk to somepony about it.”
Snails shook his head. “No, I don’t. There’s nopony who can fix this but me. Nopony understands.”
“I understand.”
Snails glared at her. “If that was true, then I wouldn’t have to pretend you’re sitting there, talking to me.”
Snails rubbed his forehead, right under his horn. Before him lay his train of thought, written down on a few pages. He looked at the text, to the words he’d put in his own mouth and in Diamond’s, then to his cutie mark. His snail cutie mark; a creature that moved about aimlessly and slowly, but always left a trail to follow.
Dumb dictation spell. Dumb talent. All I’m good for is doodling. I can’t even use this for the Foal Free Press; they’d never publish it. The grammar’s all wrong too, it always is. Dumb colons and semicolons and ellipses, why do they always sneak in where they don’t belong? I need to read that rulebook again.
He sat back in the shade of the tree and leaned against the bark. One blank page floated in front of him. I still need to write about Queen Patina. How do I start? I need information, I need books.
The library. I was going to start at the library. Maybe Twilight can help me out.
Wait, no. I can’t ask Twilight for help; she’d tell Miss Cheerilee and Miss Cheerilee would fail me. It’d be cheating if Twilight helped me with my report.
I still need a book on Patina, though. I’ll just see which one to use and write something down. I’ll definitely fail if I don’t write anything at all.
And Twilight knows about studying. It’s not cheating if I just ask for advice.
He walked into chaos.
Princess Twilight Sparkle was floating books around, leafing through them before putting them back. Pinkie Pie was packing snacks for a long trip, Applejack was strapping Fluttershy into what looked like survival gear for guerrilla warfare. Snails walked up to Spike, who was packing quills and parchment into a blue bag. “What’s going on?”
Before the dragon could answer, Rainbow Dash flew in. “I came as soon as I heard. What is it this time? Another Crystal Empire from a thousand years ago?”
Twilight shook her head, still reading and browsing. “Worse: it’s a Republic of Plastic Ponies from a thousand years into the future. We need to get going as soon as possible, I just need… got it!”
Snails looked around, bashfully trying to get somepony’s attention. “Umm…”
Twilight headed for the door, her friends right behind her. “Okay, girls, I’ve got the temporal distortion runes I needed, I can cast them on the train. Spike, have you got enough quills and parchment?”
He held up his bag. “Got it all right here.”
Twilight trotted towards the door. “Good. I’ll need you to update the princesses. And - Snails, hi. I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”
Snails looked up at the alicorn princess. “Um, sorry for barging in, but I kinda needed a book on Queen Patina. It’s for a report.”
She smiled at him as her friends passed her by, heading out the front door to destinations unknown. “Not a problem, Snails. You shouldn’t have any trouble finding all the books you need in the history section.”
“And, um, I kinda need some advice, you see -”
“- That’s what the library is there for, after all. I’ve already asked the mayor to send a replacement for me, so the place is all yours. Help yourself.”
Snails caught his breath. He didn’t speak up as Princess Twilight went after her friends. Only when he closed the door did he realise he may have misinterpreted what she’d said. He wondered about it, though. The sudden quiet of the library unsettled him.
“Help myself? Yeah, sure, I can help myself. I can help myself just fine. Why wouldn’t I?”
He marched over to the history section and fetched a book on royalty, one on the history of magic, and one on life in Patina’s time. The books were clear, the books were informative. Truly, he had all the information he could ever want right at his disposal.
Still he was faced with a blank page and a quill that didn’t know what to do.
I don’t see it. What am I supposed to write? How am I supposed to start? Is three pages gonna be enough?
He held his head in his hooves. His nerves played up again, stomach grumbling and head pounding.
This is gonna suck.
Snails sat at his desk, waiting for his results again. He didn’t smile, he didn’t sigh, he just sat and waited.
He got his three-page report on Queen Patina back. He’d scored six out of ten, barely enough to pass. Right next to his grade it said ‘Good, but could have used more focus on spells’.
Snails felt the dull throb in his head return, but he didn't flinch. He just stared at the paper and looked for all the red markings on his inadequate text. I should have written four pages.
Cheerilee smiled at him. “It’s not bad work, Snails, and you did present it very well, but next time you should ask Twilight Sparkle to help learn how to summarise your text. Don’t worry, though; your presentation was very good, ten out of ten.”
It didn’t make him feel any better. All he could see was the six on the paper.
“Have you been trying to patch up on your math problems?”
Snails nodded. “Um, yeah. I’m working hard on it, I think I’ll do okay next time.”
“Good. Just do your best and you’ll be fine.”
With that, Cheerilee moved on. Snails rubbed his throbbing head and put the report away to be signed by his parents tonight. He could already hear his dad. Wouldn’t be having this problem if you didn’t spend so much time goofing around. The nervous knot in his stomach returned, almost making him groan.
He felt something prodding his flank. Apparently Diamond Tiara wanted his attention. “You haven’t gotten the latest Animal Mare either, right? I’m gonna get mine this afternoon. Wanna join me? You could catch up with it.”
The knot in his stomach tightened. “Sorry. I don’t really feel like it.”
She frowned at him. “Hey, Snails?”
“What?”
Diamond Tiara looked him in the eyes. She was going to say something, he was sure of it, but whatever it was, she kept it to herself. “Whatever. Never mind.”
Snails looked down at his school bag. He had the doodle about him and Diamond, still. He could toss it into the submission box for the Foal Free Press, like he had before.
A talk about why bad ponies don’t want to turn good, and why dumb ponies keep acting dumb. Maybe they would publish that.
The bell sounded. School was out, and class emptied.
Snails sighed.
Nah. I’ll just write something cute and funny with plastic ponies, and then get back to work.
If I can get started.
The End.
Author's Note
I'm putting my author's note in a comment for easier access and feedback. If you don't feel like writing a long-winded answer to my remarks, a simple upvote or downvote will suffice. Probably going to start doing that for other stories, too.
