ULAG: Destroyer of worlds, Eater of souls, and Fixer of broken left legs

by StormDancer

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3521

A pretty bad almost-pony has run afoul of Equestria's 'normal' conflict resolution system. He's trying to make a comeback...trying being the operative term. Oh, and I'm collecting dislikes as medals on this one.

There's always someone better than you but, on the other hoof, there's also always someone worse.
Unlike Earth though, in Equestria, that means somewhere out there is the worst-est, baddest-erist, most totally horrible-rific somepony ever.
Ulag is not that pony, but that's not going to stop him from trying.
After a brief stint as the bad-guy, Ulag is 'rehabilitated' by everyponys favorite orbital friendship cannon. He's sent on his way with a tight lipped smile and a gentle tap on the fetlock.
And like most ponies once beaten, he tries to get back on top of his game.
'Tries' being the operative term.
Also, I'm seeing how many 'dislikes' I can collect on this one. Wish me luck!

Published 2014-03-15 22:20:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-15 22:20:09 UTC

1 - End, the Beatening

Author's Note

Why take a leisurely stroll down the road less travelled when a jaunty bounce down the psycho path is so much more fun?

1 - End, the Beatening

"Back pitiful creatures! I will consume you and sup upon your descendants for time immeasurable! Prostrate yourselves in supplication and I will break only most of my promises not to consume your offspring!"

Twilight Sparkle glanced between her friends, then their rival, before clearing her throat and taking a step towards the diminutive, coat-less, unicorn.

"Um... Ulag was it? Not to be... well... unimpressed is probably not the right word but, anyway, could you maybe speak up? I kind of didn't quite catch what you said there." She offered a somewhat forced smile as she leaned down to try and hear him as he simmered in adorable, if somewhat ugly, fury.

'Ulag' for all his temper, was still only a foal at most. Despite the anger that burned in his heart and mind, despite the unending rage, despite even his vast torrents of untapped potential, he suddenly realized that he may have started his 'rampage of utter destruction' with two somewhat inconvenient facts in the way.

1: He was only just learning to control his unicorn magic, and 2: he was only as tall as Winona, Applejack's collie,....if he stretched his neck to its fullest to appear more intimidating.

Squinting his eyes shut at he rubbed his face with a hoof, he took a deep breath before trying to compose himself. Perhaps this wasn't the right time after all. Wrath and fury could only amount to so much in his current state. He looked back over the corpses littering the field behind him, imagining he could still hear their screams... their pleas for mercy. A small smile came to his hairless face as he turned back towards the towering protectors of the land and blinked. Twice.

"I'm sowwy about de pwetty fwowers meice Twiwight! Can I hauve a hug and ged a coowkie? Pweeeeeeze?" He was positive the loathing he had for all creation would somehow bleed into his obvious ruse and foil his escape. There was simply no possible way anypony could be that remarkably gullible.

"Oh! Well, I'm not sure about a cookie, but I think we can help you out with a hug! Come on girls!" And, like a flock of harpies, the six mares decended upon him with their stinking horse-flesh and wretched cuddly luvy-dovey crap.

It was the most horrifying moment of his young life.

"BACK PITIFUL CREATURES! I WILL CONSUME YOU AND SUP UPON YOUR DESCENDANTS FOR TIME IMMEASURABLE! PROSTRATE YOURSELVES IN SUPPLICATION AND I WILL BREAK ONLY MOST OF MY PROMISES NOT TO CONSUME YOUR OFFSPRING!"

The coat-less unicorn reared up, his powerful chest drawing in air with gale-force shudders while his forelegs spread dramatically above. His pale green skin glistened in the amber glow of torches set along the remains of the street while a scattering of ponies gasped at the spectacle.

Lowering himself once more, his face took on a cruel hook of a smile as he slid his gaze over those seated before him. Dozens of ponies sat staring open-mouthed at him. Somewhere a foal started to cry. It was like music to his deformed ears.

There was a sound behind him that didn't belong.

Snaking his head back towards the smoldering wreckage of the street once more, he caught sight of a young pegasus mare who had a hoof clenched firmly in her mouth, tears in her eyes just barely out of sight of the multitudes he had just turned his back upon. She shook with restrained cries, pleading with her eyes not to come for her. He could see the cold beads of sweat upon her brow, the amber glow of the fires making tiny crescents where it passed through the tiny prisms.

With a frown, he trotted over, his horn lighting in a lurid gray/green glow as the mare's sudden scream cut off abruptly.

"For the love of.... get off the stage. Your leg's fine now," he hissed as he helped her to her feet.

"BACK PITIFUL CREATURES! I WILL CONSUME YOU AND SUP UPON YOUR DESCENDANTS FOR TIME IMMEASURABLE! PROSTRATE YOURSELVES IN SUPPLICATION AND I WILL BREAK ONLY MOST OF MY PROMISES NOT TO CONSUME YOUR OFFSPRING! AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I'VE BEEN WAITING TO SAY THAT WITH CONVICTION!"

Ulag bellowed into the night, the flames of Ponyville flickering in the wild mess of his dark green mane. He no longer trusted in his impressive physique to inspire terror (too many school plays over the years had lessened the impact upon the populace), instead relying upon the crafted bronze chest piece and black cloak that flowed from his brutally muscled shoulders and down his back. He had bolted heavy bronze shoes to his hooves and wore barding appropriate for the kings of old while a heavy iron sphere floated behind him in the sickly glow of his magic.

He smiled a wicked smile as he turned his gaze to Luna's moon with a laugh of victory just starting to bubble up from within. Before it could even reach his lips however, a multicolored beam of twisting light impacted him with the force of a mountain crushing a particularly fragile ladybug.

When he opened his eyes, the world was gray and shifting ever so slightly. Staggering to his hooves, he felt the earth beneath his feet and warm breeze in his mane. Placing a hoof to his temple as shook his head, a grimace formed a pained expression upon his face.

"Well, that's that," came a cheerful voice from somewhere behind him.

Wheeling around, he blinked back confusion as he saw the six mares that had continued to plague his existence since the flowerbed incident all those years before. They looked as they always did, sure of themselves and secure in their supremacy. Fools.

He had just started to raise his hoof to point threateningly at them when he suddenly realized that he couldn't quite bring himself to do so.

Blinking back his confusion, he settled for an intimidating threat so he could marshal his magic into a truly lethal blast that would be sure to consume them.

"HOW DARE YOU TRY TO STEm THe TIDe Of My VENGeance? WHat Terror Do You think you can... can.... What did you do to me?!?" He gasped out, his voice holding none of the bassy echo that he had nurtured over a decade of stage performances.

The leader of the six, Twilight Sparkle, stepped forward confidently as she approached him with a smile. "It's okay Ulag. We knew you were going to go bad sometime, so we set up some countermeasures and made sure you'd be okay. No one's going to be mad at you, I mean, come on.... you were great at that production of The Destroyer of Worlds last month!"

The stallion stared at her, suddenly realizing three things with a shudder. First, his armor was gone. Second, she was touching his shoulder. And third, he felt an alien sensation on his face that implied the lack of a glower, glare, or even the frown that so often slept there when he was too tired to offer more than a cursory effort towards evil.

"What did you do to me?" he asked in a voice that sounded completely foreign to his own ears.

"Oh! We just hit you with the Elements... You know...the same things we took out Nightmare Moon, Discord, and a few other things with?" Twilight smiled as she flicked her eyes over to a horribly embarrassed Rarity who was trying desperately to appear interested in the local selection of grasses. "Nukes the bad stuff, makes the good stuff better, helps to shortcut the rehabilitation process by about forever. You may have heard of them."

He stared openly at the mare before his face exploded in a smear of pink, high velocity, cupcake. The giggles from Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash causing Twilight to momentarily frown before dissolving into mirth herself. Applejack's lopsided smile spoke volumes as Fluttershy darted forward to check on the downed ex-villain.

"Welcome to Ponyville Medical. Please fill out this form and take a seat over there," an off-green hoof gestured placidly towards the small crop of benches near the window, "or, if your situation is more immediate, an emergency triage nurse will see you to this side." Again, an off-green hoof gestured, this time towards an open archway where three mares stood, addressing emergency cases. "If you have only a broken left-leg, please do not sit down, just let me know and I'll have you out of here without the need to fill anything out."

The stallion sitting behind the reception desk sighed, sliding the clipboard to the young mare before him. While he noticed that she briefly looked towards the archway, she quickly shifted back to the non-emergency benches with her eyes. Ulag wasn't a trained anything really, but he could tell when something wasn't right. Just as she was turning to the benches, he touched her hoof for a moment causing her to stop abruptly. "Miss? Is there something wrong?"

He almost gagged on his own tongue as he thought of how patently foolish that sounded. Of course there was something wrong. She had walked into a hospital and taken an admittance form.

Her startled pause didn't last long before she suddenly turned back with panicked eyes. "Y-yes. Please, there's a monster who's using me as bait to -" the sentence chopped off as she suddenly froze in place.

Ulag raised an eyebrow as he idly looked over her shoulder towards the door where a hulking thing with tentacles and tiny red eyes grinned from a maw that contained far, far, too many needle-like teeth. It apparently also possessed an innate capacity to force ex-villains to create horribly formatted run-on sentences when thinking to themselves.

The creature's voice rumbled like boulders shifting in a well, the deep bassy echo common to evil seemed to resonate in some half-forgotten part of Ulag's memory. It wasn't uncomfortable per se, but it did stir a slight frown from his normally blank expression.

"I'm sorry mister hulking monster thing. We don't allow mind or body control within this facility. Please vacate and submit the appropriate forms to the library or I will be forced to have you removed for our patients well being." Ulag reached slowly for his coffee, barely paying the creature mind as he mentally sighed at the paperwork that was likely to come within moments.

Predictably, the beast began a wall-shaking bout of evil laughter. Ulag carefully held his coffee as it rippled and bounced in the cup, saved from splashing by his having picked it up only a moment before. "Again, I request that you remove yourself at this time and file the appro-" The door to the hospital interrupted him as it was flung from the frame. Thankfully, it impacted rather dramatically, but ineffectually, into the wall behind the reception desk where Ulag raised an eyebrow and sat his drink down.

"I am sorry then mister unknown beasty. I am now authorized to implement procedure 159.2 under the Ponyville Failure to Comply with Appropriate Villainous Activities Decree." The laughter continued as Ulag stood, lit his horn, and cast a spell.

For a moment, nothing seemed to happen. The ponies within the waiting room sat or stood with nervous expressions as the emergency triage nurses continued their work with only an eye roll. After that moment though, Ulag carefully stepped around the desk and approached the beast who had inexplicably stopped laughing.

"I do apologize for any discomfort or inconvenience this may cause, though given your earlier reluctance I find that unlikely to offer comfort." The coat-less unicorn then turned his back to the creature, taking a moment to address the residents currently inside the hospital waiting room. "My dear Ponyvillians, if you are squeamish, pregnant, suffer from a heart or other condition aggravated by stress, please feel free to lower the provided privacy screens and enjoy some complimentary music. If you have children or are here with somepony who is easily upset or otherwise disturbed by horrific injury or existential crisis, please do likewise."

Ulag watched as a number of ponies reached up to pull ringlets from the ceiling, drawing thick blue curtains between themselves and the lobby. He waited a few moments longer, the memory of a discussion some months before regarding appropriate preparatory periods reminding him to give the residents time to select their music and start to listen before he began. Idly, he picked at something caught between his teeth, likely a sprig of mint or a bit of dandelion stem from lunch. Rather unfortunate that... it had probably been stuck there for everypony to see for the last several hours.

Once the muffled sound of a dozen different songs reached his ears Ulag turned back towards the creature which addressed him with confused and worried eyes.

"I regret to inform you that ignorance of procedure 159.2 is not a viable defense recognized by the Equestrian Board of Legal Affairs, and as such, only present action and intent can be taken into account for peer review after procedure 159.2 has been implemented. Seeing as how this will likely not be of much interest to you, the security cameras have recorded your earlier activities as well as my own and will be sent to the presiding princess for evaluation. The current location places Princess Twilight Sparkle as having jurisdiction, I hope you find some twisted enjoyment in knowing that the rest of my day will likely consist of filling of a few dozen forms relating directly to your dismissal....and costing me my date. I hold no pity or mercy for your soul. Goodbye mister monster thing."

Though the unicorn delivered his practiced speech with the monotone of a bored accountant, the look in his eyes slowly shifted from 'boring office drudgery' to something akin to 'the hungry maw of Tartarus,' a fact that was not lost upon the paralyzed monstrosity that had attempted to invade the hospital. The shift was subtle at first, a slight clarity passing over his pupils and the almost unnoticed narrowing of his gaze, but quickly became impossible to miss as the blood vessels ruptured in the whites of his eyes and the flush that crept up his neck, eventually overtaking even the tips of his ears. The end result was frightfully disturbing: the unicorn's entire body took on a reddish hue while his eyes looked to have been cut from blood rubies and set with glinting obsidian. The final act set the monster's blood to ice as it watched, helpless, as the unicorn ran his tongue over a set of frightfully filed teeth that resembled a bear trap more than anything that belonged within the anatomy of a pony.

There were no screams, but within minutes, a maintenance crew had been called and the receptionist had returned to his desk with naught but a contented burp... which was politely excused.

"Mister Ulag, it has come to my atte-"

"Smiles."

"Pardon?"

"Mister Ulag Smiles, if you would sir. It was entered into my employment records."

"Ah. Yes, well then.... My apologies." The Director of Hospital Personnel politely scribbled a note upon a scrap of paper before floating it to a folder which rested open upon his desk. "Mister Ulag Smiles, it has come to my attention that due to your exemplary work ethics and legal application of your... special talents... you are to receive a bonus in the amount of 6.78 percent to your current rate of pay. However, seeing as how you are employed as a matter of royal decree, your expenses paid from stipend funds rather than work hours, the net increase would amount to 0 bits. However, as your rate of pay has fundamentally increased, an associated increase in your taxable standing will be reported for the coming fiscal year."

Ulag blinked before frowning slightly as his gaze fell towards his hooves. "So, if I understand this correctly..." he gestured without looking up, "... since I've been doing so well, following your rules, and serving you, and since I have been provided non-monetary compensation from another source, you are 'giving' me a 'raise' which I will not only not benefit from, but will in fact actually cost me even more in taxes?"

The Director made a slightly uncomfortable sound, something between a cough and a grunt, before pointedly looking to the potted plant. "It would seem rather unsound to pay you a bonus when we are technically not your employers mister Ulag."

"Ulag Smiles."

"Yes, I'm terribly sorry, mister Ulag Smiles."

"I see." Idly, Ulag traced a small circle on the tiles while he considered his situation. On one hoof, his 'boss' was correct. He technically was a ward of the Crowns and was supplied with his residence, food, and reasonable clothing and associated materials. On the other hand, as a citizen of Ponyville, and Equestria, by birth, he was entitled to compensation and promotions for exemplary labor. He could see why the hospital would not want to offer him a 'bonus' when they didn't actually pay him a salary or wage, after all, if they started that type of practice, anyone who held the door for somepony or greeted one another upon entering a room could potentially sue for services rendered.

"Well, that's it then. Keep up the good work and we'll see you on Monday." The Director smiled woodenly and leaned back in his seat while he waited for Ulag to rise.

"Mister Ulag?"

"Yes?"

"Was there something else?"

"Yes."

"Forgive me for saying so, but I think we can both agree that what you do here is not in line with the hospital's views or practices. We're employing you simply as a courtesy to the Princesses. I'm sure you understand we really don't condone your.....'talent' right?"

While the Director spoke, he had started to lean forward just a bit, the flimsy smile dissolving before the clear displeasure he found in even being within the same room with him.

"Mister Director?"

"Yes?"

"How many times has Twilight Sparkle physically been admitted to the hospital since her ascension?"

"The privacy of a client's medical records is of utmost importance to us here. Surely even you realize that. But, since Princess Twilight Sparkle has made it clear that she wishes transparency in all things, she has not been admitted a single time since becoming a princess."

"I see."

"What was that mister Ulag?"

"I said, 'I see.'"

"Forgive me again, what is it that you see specifically."

"I see a corrupt and ambivalent pony who is more concerned with his own petty dislikes than with maintaining the safety, security, amiability, health, well being, or even harmony of those whom he works with. I see a spiteful little mutt who likes to take advantage of the security and safety I offer, free of charge, and taunt me with a mockery of appreciation. I see a wicked little monster with no redeeming qualities that thinks he can hide behind fancy words and a glorified title. I see somepony who really doesn't act in the manner that his 'ethics' and 'morals' dictate."

The Director snorted as he leaned back in his seat, steepling his hooves as he frowned back across his desk at the unicorn with obvious dislike. "Oh? And with your incredible skills, no doubt acquired through years of vigorous study and training at a formal institution, I assume you are referring to myself?"

"Nope, but yes, I am talking about you."

"Oh, but not from years of training, education or even native talent? A shame really. How, then, did you come across this veritable nugget of truth...hmmm? Do share."

Ulag leaned forward just enough to let his dark green mane touch the Director's desk, before raising his head to stare at him from only inches away, his eyes already red orbs with pitch black pupils. "I just told you my name a half dozen times and you still can't 'remember' it. I work for you. I asked about Twilight Sparkle and yet not only can you instantly pull forth her title, but her medical information as well." Ulag smiled, his sharply filed teeth making the Director suddenly consider exactly what it was his 'employee' was kept around for. With a nervous glance towards the pony's 'cutie mark', a strange glyph that looked more like a broken eggshell than anything specific, he wondered briefly how the unicorn had actually acquired it in the first place.

"To clarify, mister Director, you are officially directed to file the appropriate forms at the library to comply with the Appropriate Villainous Activities Decree. Failure to comply will result in the legal implementation of Procedure 159.2. I must say, I was not expecting to have a work-study activity today during my yearly evaluation, though I would be happy to show just how capable I am."