Unicorn Librarians Are Not to Be Trusted
I went outside my gloomy house
To clear a bit my busy head.
I heard a squeak as from a mouse
And turned around, then froze dead:
I saw in front of me a pony
Lavender coat, nerdy look.
She sniffed me, turning her face stony
And asked if she could read my books.
She made a face with pleading smiley -
I slightly lifted my left brow.
“Yes, you can read some” I said dryly
What is she going to do now?
She flew inside my small apartment
And darted towards my bookshelf,
She scanned it with malicious laughter,
No one must hear it by oneself.
She squealed: she found a book she needed.
“Can I please have it?” she had whined,
And her amazing eyes had pleaded.
I said, “You can’t, it is not mine.”
Then she grew stubborn, her face frowning,
“I will read this book anyway!”
Fear filled my veins, and I was drowning:
She was stubborn, voice howling -
She took precious book away.
I said “You'd better have some stover” -
She darted stun spells towards me.
I feared that my life was over:
They flew with rage of angry bee.
But every spell thrown I evaded,
And blocked the exit of my room.
My mind turned blank, face slowly faded:
I was prepared to meet my doom.
Her horn lit up with lilac magic,
“Go out the door, I need this book!”
My situation was so tragic
That fear run through me like a brook.
I only squeaked, “I was just kidding,
May I please you with hay instead?”
She roared, her rage was unremitting,
And my nose was slightly bleeding
For she hit my stupid head.
She threw herself at me, tail whipping,
She thought to take the book away.
And I thought I could use some cheating,
So I gripped her, and I said “Hey,
Why are you stealing? For your readers?
I’ll gift the book, and let you run -
You’re at my mercy, there’s no pleader -
If I will have a lot of fun.”
I squeezed her, felt like I’m in heaven:
Her fur was just like a swansdown -
I damned that only at eleven
Decided I to walk in town.
She also hugged me, holding tightly,
And placed a kiss upon my cheek.
I grinned and kissed back, shining brightly,
And thought to keep her for a week.
***
I thought to tell her all my feelings,
Explain her what she me means to me.
I couldn’t think of a beginning,
So I just bent down on my knee,
And told her “Oh, my dearest Twilight,
You can’t imagine how I highlight
And worship you in all my dreams.
You are amazing. And it seems
You share some of my affection,
For you just kissed me, gave a hug
(Though given on a dusty rug,
It can’t diminish its perfection).
And your enormous misty eyes
Gave me a trip to paradise.
I was astonished by your visit,
It was for me a big surprise,
And book? I think that I could lease it,
Though read it quickly, I advise.
May I show you around my house?
It’s not a palace, so don’t grouse,
It’s not a place you used to live,
But fear not, and please believe
That I will do all in my power
To make you safe, to feed you proper,
Though I’m some kind of a pauper,
I even could gift you a flower.
You may smell it, or use as food
If it will do you any good.
She smiled and answered me politely,
“Thanks for your offer, I refuse,
I think you was mistaken slightly,
I’m not the one whom you should choose.
All that I need is your one book:
I’ll shelter it in my old nook
And later read, with clear mind:
I am researching humankind.
But staying with you, nuzzling noses
May be adventurous, I believe,
But I am hoping you’ll forgive
My tenderness in little doses:
I have no will to be your ‘wife’
Devoting my entire life
“To you, your interests and tastes.
What do you have to offer me?
Hugs, grooming on a daily basis?
I’m not your toy, and I am free.
I’m very sorry for attacking -
Some common sense sometimes I’m lacking.
I thought I won’t have your permission,
But I am faithful to my mission,
I really need to read this source:
My princess gave a gentle hint
That if I labour without stint,
I’ll find about what is ‘horse’.
She asked if they were our forebears,
And I won’t let her down, I swear.”
And so was it. No hope remaining,
She would not stay with me at all.
It was too hard, no use complaining,
I felt like cuddling in a ball
And weep. My reveries are splinters,
And lonely nights in lonely winters.
She saw it, came to me and nuzzled
My face with her amazing muzzle,
Appeasing me, and giving hope,
“I still can help you, for I know
A unicorn. Since long ago
Admires she the humans, cope
And play with her, you won’t regret.
Her name is Lyra, and I bet
You’ll be a perfect item, really.
She’ll play some music rainy nights,
And if you will not be too silly,
You use your hands to her delights.
She’ll worship your distinguished fingers
Bringing her lasting thrill that lingers,
And brushing her green silky mane
You’ll make some use of golden cane
That Discord gave me, I don’t need it.”
My mood shot upwards, and it seems
I’ll have a pony for my dreams.
I have to think now how to feed it.
So Twilight gave me one last hug
And left me smiling as a lug.
***
All of a sudden I was blinded:
I saw a burst of pearl-white light.
"You kissed," myself then I reminded,
"You wanted it with all your might."
Too many nights had been spent dreaming
Too many wild thoughts had been thought.
It was a time to make some scheming:
I had a chance, and it was caught”.
When I got up, Twilight pony
Was sitting outside my door.
I blinked my eyes, feeling phoney:
She was diffused like in blur.
What would it mean? My plans all ruined?
I’ll have no warm girl nearby,
No brushing mane or tail, no grooming,
No pictures from my mind’s eye?
She had a face malicious, greedy
“You saw my magic at its work?”
Her body was all sweating, beady,
“I just cheated you, you jerk!
Go feed yourself a pepperoni,
And grow some brains, and think ahead.
Never ever trust a pony
If you see that she is horny,”
And she pointed at her head.
And I found myself alone-y,
Feeling such a stupid brony
As I woke up in my bed.
