Marshal Twilight's Mystery Pony Theater

"Welcome everypony, for the first edition of Marshal Twilight Sparkle's Mystery Pony Theater!" Twilight said dramatically.

"Huh? Marshal?" Rainbow asked quizzically. "Since when are you in the military?"

"And that rank doesn't even exist," Spike deadpanned. "The highest rank in the Royal Guard is 'Captain'."

"Quiet you, I don't have time for your facts," Twilight snapped.

"Why am I here?" Scootaloo asked loudly.

"Because today's entry involves you," Twilight explained.

"Huh? Ponies have written stories about me?" she asked in confusion.

"Well, yeah," Spike answered. "You're pretty popular. Almost as much as me!"

"Get in line, newbie," Rainbow boasted. "Any idea how many fics get written about me?"

"Almost as many as I get," Twilight snarked. "Now, if everypony is ready, it's time for our first chapter!" Twilight leaned forward and flipped on the projector, which came to life with a hum and laid the image of the first page on the wall in front of the couch. All the ponies (and one dragon) present took a seat and began to read.

It was a winter afternoon, and ponies were dressed warm to keep them selves from getting hypothermia and frostbite.

"Well, I see we're off to a great start. Cold weather can be dangerous. Centuries of study and thousands of research papers on it, and we find out from a poorly written self-published story. This is why Discord almost won."

"Shush, I'm trying to read!"

As they were walking, they were discussing what they were going to attempt to do to get their cutie marks. Applebloom suggested bowling, but she realize she and the other two did that. They continued discussing until they gave up. "So how about we have a sleepover at your place Scoots." Sweetie Belle suggested.

"Uh ummm..... I'm not sure......"

"What's wrong? You chicken?"

"HEY!"

"Shhh!"

"I'm not a chicken!"

"We know that, squirt."

"Then why is everypony always calling me that?"

"Well, you do have wings, and trouble flying..."

"Shut up, Fax Machine."

"You think you have it bad? Half the stories about me involve me getting raped, tortured, or murdered. Sometimes all at once."

"What's rape?"

"Never you mind. Now get back to reading."

"Look i'm not prepare to have a sleepover at my place."

"Scoots your okay?"

"I need time. let me go home. *SIgh*"

"Is there a single sentence in this story that isn't an affront to the Equestrian language!?"

"And why would I need to prepare for a sleepover? We just play around and fall asleep anyway."

Scootaloo sighed and she went on her way to go home. Scootaloo didn't want anyone to know the tragedy she went through when all her family members past away, leaving her brother to go to jail. Scootaloo didn't want anyone to realize she was an orphan.

"Wha?! I'm not an orphan!"

"You're not?"

"No! I just live outside Ponyville!"

"Relax Scoots, we know."

I don't want them to know. They will hate me for telling lies about my parents. scoots thought to herself. Scoots began to head her way to sugar cube corner in a sadden state to have a quick bite before heading back to her so call home

"Uh, you guys do know that Scoots isn't my real name, right? It's just a nickname. I don't even like it that much."

"Wait, you don't like it when I call you Scoots?"

"No, it's fine when you do it, but it gets annoying when everypony calls me that all the time."

"I'm just trying to figure out what the hay a "sadden state" is. Or a "so call home".

"Maybe it's a really run-down area of Fillydelphia?"

"That's one of the better possibilities so far. The worst is that the author was actually trying to say 'saddened'."

In the library, Twilight and Rainbow were seen goofing off.

"Seen by who? And since when do I let Rainbow play around in my library?"

"Yeah, she doesn't let me do anything fun."

"Wanton destruction of property is not 'fun'."

Ever since Rainbow proposed to Twilight and they married each other, Rainbow gave up her house and decided to live with her alicorn wife. "*Giggles* Rainbow you know, I think i married the perfect mare to be my wife." Twilight said

"WHAT?!"

"WHAT?!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Rainbow and Twilight, sittin' in a tree!"

"You know what the best part is? They actually are sitting in a tree right now!"

"WE ARE NOT TOGETHER! I DON'T EVEN FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT HER! AND WHY WOULD I GIVE UP MY HOUSE? MY HOUSE IS AWESOME! AND I'M NOT THAT SAPPY, EITHER!"

"And what kind of sloppy storytelling is this?! They just take the romance and shove it in our faces without warning?! And he's using asterisks to denote action! That's incredibly unprofessional!"

"I don't know what asterisks are, but what she said!"

"What can i say, You are a beautiful mare too. I'm glad I married you."

"I'd start throwing up, but I don't think I'd be able to stop."

"Right there with ya, squirt."

They began to giggle at each other and proceeded to kiss. They kissed like they had they had the whole world to themselves.

"Twilight can we do something else? Something more fun, like a dentist appointment, or inspecting a sewer?"

"This is important, Rainbow."

"Why?"

"I'll tell you when I think of something."

As they kissed, they del their breath became warm.

"What does del mean, Twilight?"

"It doesn't mean anything. It's not a word. I can't even figure out what he was trying to say."

When they got married, Rainbow became Twilights first royal guard and couldn't help but feel great about it.

"What? Since when am I a guard?"

"Since we got married, apparently."

"I'm just waiting for the magical foal born out of a union of pure love."

"That's a thing?"

"No, but it's a popular concept in trashy romance novels."

"And you know this how?"

"...Research."

"Gee, Spike, knock next time." Rainbow said in a irritated manner

"Sorry. I'm still getting used to two mares being here. Anaway, Sweetie belle and Applebloom, are looking for you Twilight. They said something seems up with Scootaloo. They think she's hiding something."

"Right, because never before has a mare visited the public library while I happened to be inside."

"Don't your friends visit us like, three times a week?"

"I was being sarcastic, Spike."

"Okay i'll be down their. Rainbow i'll be back for round 2."

"Twilight, why is your left eye twitching?"

"Because apparently the destruction of grammar causes a temporary lack of control in my orbicularis oculi muscle."

"In Equestrian, egghead?"

"This story is so bad that I can't control my eyelid anymore."

With that Twilight went downstairs to see what the CMC wanted. As she went downstairs she saw not only two of the three CMC, but Applejack and Rarity. They all had a conceded face. "Whats wrong?" said Twilight

"Conceded...face..."

"Twilight...You're scaring me. Please stop charging that spell."

"Okay...deep breaths, Twilight...Don't crush the projector until it reaches the density of a collapsed star...The resulting gravitational field would most likely be strong enough to destroy the planet...Okay, I'm calm."

"We...we were planning a Sleepover at Scoots place. But she said no."

"It's probably because her parents say no."

"That's the thing Twi. Every time we see scoots, She's by herself Every time when school ends her parents don't show up, not even at meetings. She even didn't give us any detail about her parents. all she said was that they were the best parents she had."

when hearing this, something clicked in Twilights head. "Say that again Applebloom. about the part with best parents."

"all she said was that they were the best parents she had."

Twilight now realized what scootaloo was hiding. She realized that scoots was hiding the fact that she's an orphan. Twilight was shocked upon hearing this. "Girls, i recommend you get yourselves and your sisters home. Me and Rainbow are going to find her." Twilight said

"Really? I reached that conclusion just because we've never seen her parents? That's some pretty impressive deduction. I think magic might be my wrong calling in life."

"My parents both work in Cloudsdale! They don't come to Ponyville except on weekends to buy groceries and stuff!"

"And why is Twilight getting rid of everypony except me?"

"Because it's a transparent attempt to avoid writing more characters. Didn't you notice that Applejack and Rarity don't have any dialogue?"

"I bet if Rarity did talk, the author would have her call everypony 'darling', even though she's only said that like four times since we've met her."

"You're probably right."

The sisters nodded and head their way back to their homes. Twilight, put on her jacket and ran upstairs to get Rainbow Dash. "Rainbow put your armor back on. We have a problem."

"Aw Twi, we were going to start round 2. What's wrong Twi?"

"Since when do I wear a jacket?"

"And why do I need guard armor to find Scootaloo?"

"Round 2 of what? That's the second time Rainbow has said that."

"Don't mind that part, Spike. The author is a terrible person and his words should be ignored."

8:00 PM

abandon house

"Abandon house? Why? Is it on fire or something?"

"I believe the author was trying to say 'abandoned'."

"It was a joke, Twilight. You and Spike aren't the only ones who can do sarcasm."

Scootaloo just finished a decent meal at Sugarcube corner with her bits and she proceeded to head back to her current home, an abandon home on the outskirts. As she Walked in, she put her bags down and went into her so called room. In her room she then grabbed a old letter that she open certain times. She now was crying. Mom, Dad, why did you have to die in that accident? she said to herself. Suddenly She heard a noise, and a sound of magic being lifted. She then saw two shadows coming up the stairs. As the Shadows open the door , she noticed it was Twilight and Rainbow Dash. They were shocked to see where scootaloo ended up.

"I'm not like that at all! That Scootaloo is a big wuss!"

"We know, squirt. You're way cooler than her."

"Awww, thanks Rainbow Dash!"

"No problem. What do you think, Twi? Twilight? Hey, why isn't she moving?"

"I think she's in shock. Probably from all the bad grammar. I'm not even obsessed with it like she is, but I'm pretty sure reading that made me sterile."

"Sterile? How do you even know what that means? You're way too young for that."

"I live in a library, Rainbow. Twilight isn't always watching me."

"Squirt? Why? Why didn't you tell us the truth? Why didn't you tell anyone you're an orphan?" Rainbow said in a gentle tone.

"BECAUSE I'M NOT AN ORPHAN!"

"No shouting in the library!"

"Oh hey, that snapped her out of it. Something to remember next time."

Scoots then had tears in her eyes. Her secret was out. Twilight felt bad for the filly, the poor thing was left to defend herself. She then glimpsed at a letter that scoots was holding. "What's that" Twilight asked."

"I get that this is supposed to make me feel bad, but I can't stop laughing at how cheesy it is."

"Why is there no question mark there? And why is there an extra quotation mark at the end of the sentence?"

"At least he used 'asked' to denote the question this time."

"*Sinff* My one last letter, from my mom, before...before....she died."

"Wait, she had time to write a letter, but not to see her daughter in person?"

"Either that or she was insanely well-prepared for her impending death, yet didn't feel the need to actually tell anypony else about it."

Both Rainbow and Twilight looked at each other. They now figured out Scootaloos mom must of died when she was young. Twilight nor Rainbow wanted to leave Scootaloo in this house. Twilight walked up to Scootaloo. "Hop on my back. we'll take you to the library. You can stay with us, until we decide what to do about the situation."

Scootaloo was shocked, Twilight offered a place for her. Without resisting, she hopped on Twilight's back and the group headed back to the library.

"Her mom died when she was young? Unfathomable. Especially since Scootaloo is still a filly in the story."

"Uh, pretty sure my legs still work. Why do you have to carry me? And would you really offer me a place to stay if I was an orphan?"

"Well, of course. At least until we could find you a nice foster home or something. We don't really have enough room for you to stay permanently though."

"Yeah, sorry Scoots, but Twilight and I already have to share the bedroom."

"What about you, Rainbow?"

"Hay yeah, I'd help! You're like a little sister to me, Scoots! But, to be honest, I probably wouldn't be much of a parent. Half the time you almost get killed crusading, it's because I gave you a hang glider or something."

"Wait, you did what?!"

"Hey, I remember that! They totally broke one of Twilight's windows!"

"That cost me fifty bits to replace! Rainbow Dash, you irresponsible—!"

"Uh, let's keep reading!"

At the library, Twilight was making Scootaloo hot chocolate, while Rainbow got Scootaloo a blanket. She was very cold. Scootaloo was now wondering why Rainbow was here. Um... R....Rainbow?" Scootaloo asked

"Yea squirt?"

"Why are you here?"

"I haven't figured that out yet either."

"Be quiet! You still owe me for helping you clean out Fluttershy's shed last week!

"Ugh, don't remind me."

"What was wrong with Fluttershy's shed?"

"It was filthy! It hadn't been cleaned in ages!"

"I....I live here with Twilight now."

"What happened to your house?"

"I sold it."

"What the hay?! I love my house! I wouldn't sell it! And why would I live here of all places?! Twilight just said she doesn't have enough room for anypony else!"

"Don't remind me. I've been wanting my own room forever."

"I already told you, we don't have a spare room."

"Except the one you use as a science lab."

"I need it for research!"

"You mean reading crappy romance novels?"

"SPIKE!"

"Fine, shutting up now."

"Y...you still have your job as a weather pony?"

"I retired."

*Strangled cry*

"Wow, I'd sure like to be able to retire in my twenties. Most ponies just have to quit their jobs and not get paid anymore if they want to stop doing them."

"Explains why I'm not allowed to quit. I'm not a pony."

"She doesn't pay you, either."

"Yes I do! I give him food, shelter, and gems!"

"I'm pretty sure that kind of 'pay' has been illegal for six hundred years."

"Well, I could always just stop giving you gems if you're going to complain about it."

"...Fine, I'll be quiet."

"Oh. Well i guess you're still in the wonderbolts academy."

"I dropped out. I wanted to be with my wife, Twilight. I'm also her royal guard."

"..."

"..."

"PFFFTHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Are you also a robot ninja assassin?"

"While I'm...flattered, I would actually feel terrible if Rainbow gave up on her dream for my sake."

"Yeah, that's why you're so awesome, Twi! You know what it's like to push for something like that! You get how much joining the Wonderbolts means to me, and that's really cool."

"...Thanks, Rainbow."

"Awwwww, they really do like each other!

"No one likes sarcasm, Spike."

"Who said I was being sarcastic?"

*SMACK*

"Okay, okay!"

As she finished her sentence Twilight came to scootaloo side and gave her the hot chocolate and she began to drink it. She was still cold but the Chocolate was helping her warm up. After she finished drinking it Twilight then took the cup to the sink and came back and sat by scootaloo along with Rainbow Dash. She saw the tears of pain in Scoots eyes.

"Oh, I see! Those aren't regular tears, they're tears of pain! Thank Celestia the author specified. I wouldn't have understood that otherwise. I'm so glad he uses his time for that instead of, say, putting in an apostrophe or two every once in a while."

"I still don't like how much of a wuss I am in this story. I wouldn't cry like that!"

"Don't worry Scoots, we know it's not real. Just like how Twilight and I aren't actually married."

"Yet."

*SMACK*

"OW!"

"Scootaloo, What happened to your parents?" she asked

"I never told anyone this. When i was little I was home alone one day in ponyville, I was waiting for my mother and father to come home. No one was home at the time, my sister was murdered by a rapist, my grandparents past away when i was young, I have not aunts or uncles, and lastly my brother ended up in jail, because he was a Stallion for hire to kill and gets payed for it."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"T-that...That is the most ridiculous and contrived backstory I have ever read in my life!"

"See, it couldn't have just been a regular murderer, it also had to be a rapist. Is the author just trying to write the most depressing story ever or what? Man, what a clown!"

"No, clowns are supposed to be funny. The author is trying to write a tragedy. He's succeeding, but for the wrong reasons."

"I still don't know what rape is! And I don't even have a sister! Well, except for Rainbow Dash."

"Aww, thanks squirt."

"And really?! Her brother is a hitpony?! He couldn't have been killed, incapacitated, or just not exist? No, the author had to create a brother for Scootaloo, and throw him in jail for being an assassin. Just...I don't even...WHAT?!"

"Okay, calm down Twilight. Just...Go have a drink of water or something. Come back when you feel better."

"Y-yeah okay, I'll be back in a minute. You guys can keep going if you want."

"Man, she really hates bad writing, doesn't she?"

"You don't know the half of it. She found a typo in a textbook once and burned down an entire wing of the Canterlot library."

"Whoa, seriously?"

"No, but I wouldn't be surprised."

"Great, I actually thought Twilight was cool for a second. Whatever, let's get back to reading."

Twilight and Rainbow both were stunned what they learned about scootaloos brother. He was a Hitpony.

"I....It wasn't until later in the evening i got a letter, from......from my Mom."

"A letter?"

"Want me to read it for you?"

Both Rainbow and Twilight nodded and Scoots began to read the letter.

"Wow, she sure is eager to share that letter."

"Especially since a few paragraphs ago she was trying her best to keep anypony from finding out she was an orphan."

My angel Scootalooo

By time you read this, me and your father have passed away.

Your father was killed in a flight accident while I survived but died in the hospital.

I want you to know you are the only remaining member of this family.

Please, stick up for yourself. We be watching over you from the afterlife.

Dust Storm

"Ha, wow. She sure didn't feel great about her chances. She actually wrote "I died in the hospital" in past tense. Also, "we be watching over you"? Was Dust Storm a pirate?"

"That's dumb! If she was hurt that bad but still able to write a letter, she could've told Scoots in person!"

"Yeah! My mom wouldn't just leave me some crummy letter and die! She's too cool for that!"

"And what kind of advice is "I want you to know you are the only remaining member of this family. Please stick up for yourself"?"

"Yeah, what's with that? She might as well have just said "You're on your own now. Good luck, sucker!"

"Okay, I'm better now. Did I miss anything?"

"Yeah, but you should skip it. You'd probably just get angry again."

"Well, alright then. Want to keep going?"

"No, but I can't stop reading for some reason."

Twilight and Rainbows hearts were now broken. They now realized that scootaloo is the last remainder of her family. They felt hurt inside for the filly. She was left to fend for herself.  They couldn't believe how the filly was still alive. Scootaloo than began to shed tears a little and Twilight began to rub her back. "Its okay scootaloo." Twilight murmured .

"It's okay Scootaloo...You're with us now..."

"Forever...and ever...and ever..."

"Ugh, you two are so creepy!"

*Giggling*

"My parents are dead. My families gone. What point is their being okay."

"Well, being okay is kind of a reward on its own. There's a lot of point in being okay, really."

"Maybe she meant to say 'No, it's not okay!'"

"Also possible."

Twilight and Rainbow felt very bad for Scootaloo. Scootaloo life was ruined. They needed to figure out something. Suddenly Twilight hit an idea. She could give Scootaloo the guest room. She didn't want Scootaloo to suffer anymore. "Rainbow, honey, can you show Scootaloo to the guest room?"

"How does one hit an idea? Besides, I would never do that! Hit a poor, defenseless idea? How awful!"

"And what's this about a guest room? I thought you didn't have one, Twi?"

"I don't! This story is bending reality to fit the ridiculous premise!"

"Don't all stories do that?"

"Yes, but this one is especially bad!"

"What ya mean Twi?"

"She is gonna stay here until I decide what i'm going to do."

Scootaloo eyes widen and she looked at Twilight. "you mean it?"

"Yes scoots. I'll figure something out during the week. I promised. but for now, why don't you hit the hay."

"Really? I just decide for her that she's going to stay with me? That's really irresponsible. I would've at least reported that she was a minor with no guardian before trying to adopt her."

"Yeah, I'm with Twi. You could get in a lot of trouble for something like that. What if her parents really were alive? You could get sued for foalnapping."

"Huh. I'm kind of surprised to hear you say that. I figured you'd just take her in, no questions asked."

"Come on, Twi. I may not know what a super collider is, but I'm not an idiot."

"...You're right. I'm sorry, Rainbow."

"S'alright. I know you weren't trying to be mean."

"Rainbow and Twilight, sittin' in a—OW!"

"He's really stubborn."

"He'll learn eventually."

Scootaloo nodded. She was very tired and Rainbow led her to the guest room. In all of the time Twilight was here, she never knew scootaloo hid something from em. She never knew scootaloo was homeless,  Twilight was now thinking hard, she was deciding if adopting Scootaloo was an option and becoming her mother, and Dash becoming her sister in law, she knew that would make Scootaloo happy. But right now, Twilight needed time to decide what to do for the poor filly."

"Whoa, really? I find out she's an orphan, and less than ten minutes later I'm already planning to replace her mother?"

"Yeah, I would actually think that's kinda creepy. I mean, if you wanted to lend me a hoof that'd be great and all, but if you started trying to get me to call you 'mom' or something, that would be weird."

"I'm with Scoots. I've lived with Twi for years, but that doesn't make her my mom. More like a big sister."

"And why would that make me Scootaloo's sister-in-law? If Twilight and I were married, that would either mean we were sisters already, or we'd both be Scootaloo's parents."

"I don't know. I don't understand anything in this story. Thank goodness it's over now."

"Not yet. There's a few more chapters."

"Yes, but I'm going to lobotomize myself before reading them."

"Uh, Twilight, maybe you should go lie down."

"You think I'd actually do it?"

"...Yeah, kind of."

"...Alright, fine. I'll just go study or something. Maybe I can reduce the damage to my IQ. What about you, Rainbow?"

"Oh, I promised Scoots we'd go get some ice cream or something. We'll catch ya later, okay?"

"Sure. Come by tomorrow and we'll all read the next chapter. In a weird way it was actually kinda fun."

"Yeah...It was, actually. Okay, cool, I'll see you then. C'mon Scoots, let's go."