zomg vamponies, or, Fluttershy the Hunter

by bahatumay

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Nurse Redheart, Fluttershy
Length: 22779

After donating blood for the first time, Fluttershy is convinced that Nurse Redheart is a vampony.

After her first time donating blood, Fluttershy saw something that convinced her that Nurse Redheart is a vampony. Teaming up with Twilight Sparkle, the two try to prove and disprove, respectively, the vampony status of Nurse Redheart. Of course, all this must be done all while trying to avoid raising her suspicions.
Which, of course, cannot end well.

Published 2012-04-25 03:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-08 22:57:57 UTC

Fluttershy's Discovery, or, Twilight's Confusion

Late one afternoon, Fluttershy burst into the library, freaking out.
This was not merely a freakout by Fluttershy's standards, but a freakout by anypony's standards. She was breathing hard, chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath.
"Twi.. Twi... Twilight!" she gasped out.
Twilight walked out of the kitchen, chef's hat askew on her head. "Fluttershy? What brings you here?"
"Twilight! You gotta help me!"
"Of course, Fluttershy; but with what?"
Fluttershy tried to catch her breath before explaining, "I went to donate blood down at the clinic...."
"Oh yeah, I was actually planning on heading over after lunch. It would let me cross off the 'do something good' item on today's checklist, right between 'learn a new recipe' and...."
"Twilight, DON'T!"
"Why not?"
After a furtive glance to make sure they were alone, Fluttershy leaned in. "Because Nurse Redheart.... is a vampony!" she squeaked.
To Twilight's credit, she managed to keep a straight face for about five whole seconds before bursting out laughing in Fluttershy's face. She didn't mean to, of course; but the thought was so preposterous that she had no other option. Nurse Redheart: Kind? Yes. Stern? At times. Powerful? Fairly. Vampony? Ridiculous.
Fluttershy stomped her hoof in frustration. "It's true!"
"All right, Fluttershy, maybe you'd better start at the beginning."
"Well, I woke up, I did my morning stretches, I made breakfast for all my animal friends, and then I swept my front porch, and then I...."
Twilight raised a hoof. "Could you maybe skip ahead to the part where Redheart comes in?"
"Oh, yes. Um, well, they set me down, and Redheart put in the needle, and the bag was getting full, it was slightly startling. She gave me a lot of instructions, like don't stomp too hard, and to call her if I got lightheaded. Well, I sat there until the bag was full, and I got kinda dizzy, and when I saw Redheart again, it was all dark around her and she had fangs! And her eyes were all red. And she picked up the blood and just smiled.... so.... scarily.... And then I fainted."
"What happened then?"
"She gave me some apple juice in a juice box, but I was so afraid, I almost didn't drink it. But I was really thirsty, so I did."
"What did you eat before you went to the clinic?"
"Oh, nothing, I was running late this morning."
Twilight nodded, satisfied. "Well, that explains it, right? You didn't eat breakfast, you hallucinated from the loss of blood, Redheart is not a vampony. All is well."
"Twilight. I know what I saw!"
Twilight could see just how much this meant to her friend. She quickly calculated the odds--vamponies didn't exist. If anything, this would end up being a waste of time, and if anypony found out, they would probably poke fun at her. The personal student of Princess Celestia, on a wild smoke chase? But no friend would leave a friend alone with something that was obviously very important to her.... right?
Right?
She sighed. Against her much better judgment, Twilight agreed, "Very well. An expedition, to prove that Redheart isn't... or is," she quickly added, seeing the look in Fluttershy's eyes, "a vampony. We have plenty of books to start looking for cures, or how to k- defeat one, we can get supplies, like wooden stakes, garlic..."
"Burnt hay fries?"
"Burnt hay fr.... What?"
Spike walked in, carrying a blackened tray full of what used to be delicious hay fries. "And this is why *I* cook most of the time," he commented darkly.
Twilight grinned sheepishly. "Oh.... heh heh.... forgot about those." She turned back to Fluttershy. "Tell you what. I have some personal projects to do this afternoon, but I'll do some research tonight. Come back tomorrow, and we'll get to the bottom of this."
Fluttershy's stomach grumbled.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Have you eaten anything since then?"
"Um.... no."
"Fluttershy! It's nearly 3! Well, you're welcome to stay for lunch."
"If you want to, that is," Spike muttered, crunching on a blackened hay fry.
He didn't understand the quick snort of laughter from Twilight.

Twilight's Research, or, Fluttershy's List of Proof

Bright and early the next morning, Fluttershy walked up to the Ponyville Library and knocked timidly.
"Oh, I hope I didn't wake her up or anything...."
No response.
"Maybe she's still asleep, I should come back later, it's probably way too early."
Suddenly, the door opened, with one very tired baby dragon on the other side.
"Nope, she's awake. And she has been for some time now, which means I have been too. She's been doing research and laughing uncontrollably every couple minutes." He motioned for her to come in.
"Why laughing?" Fluttershy was slightly confused. Did Twilight not understand how important this was?
"Some of the things the books say are.... weird."
"Weird?"
Twilight looked up from what could only be described as a small mountain of books. "I've been researching vamponies and vampony hunters. Here, it says that the best vampony hunters in Romaneia usually were born on Saturday. I was born on a Tuesday. Sorry, Fluttershy."
She neglected to mention that, out of pure scientific curiosity, she had calculated Fluttershy's day of birth. Coincidentally, she had been born on a Saturday; but the last thing Twilight wanted to do was give her any more ideas, so she kept that little factoid to herself.
"Oh," Fluttershy said. She picked up a wooden stake that was on the ground and held it in her mouth, swinging it experimentally.
"Apparently, to become a vampony in some legends, an animal jumps over your corpse. It also says that in some legends, vamponies can control certain animals."
"Oh." Fluttershy swung her stake once more, then stopped. "Wait! I can do that! I can talk to animals! Twilight, what if I am a vampony??"
"Fluttershy, calm down. That wooden stake you're holding is a piece of white ash wood. If you were a vampony, you would have been screaming in pain by now..."
"Ouch!"
"....and not just from a splinter."

Having remedied the splinter situation (much less harrowing than a papercut), Twilight and Fluttershy began to discuss. Or, to put it more accurately, Twilight got to ramble on about her research, while Fluttershy tried to listen for anything important.
"All right. According to my research, the most sure way of killing a vampony is stabbing it through the heart with a wooden stake. Wood itself seems to sting them, but only a strike through the heart is deadly."
"But that would kill anypony," Fluttershy protested.
"Which is why we aren't going to try that. Of course, we could give her a splinter and see how she reacts....”
“I just had a splinter. I didn't like it.”
“....Ok, we won't do that one, but there are more things vamponies can't stand. Now, according to this book right here... Garlic. It's the first thing that vamponies have an aversion to.”
“Oh.... that's what that smell was. I was wondering.”
Twilight proudly lifted a scroll. “Here is a checklist--triple checked, of course--of all the things that vamponies can't stand, according to legend."
Fluttershy looked over the list. Coincidentally, both parties shared the same thought: Hopefully, this will be proved by the end of the week. End of the day, if possible.
"So, skipping the wooden stake, number one is garlic, and a couple other herbs, like white hemlick. That sounds familiar, but I'm not really sure what that even is. I couldn't find it in The Big Book of Plants or Super Natural Cures, so it's probably rare or dangerous.”
"Oh, I know what that is."
"You do?"
"It's a little flower that grows in the Everfree. It's kindof bitter."
Twilight was going to ask how she knew that, but then remembered that story she had hear, about how post-Rainboom, Fluttershy had known the names of animals that she had never seen before, and decided not to press the issue. "Remember that for later. Number two: sunlight," Twilight read.
"Sunlight?"
"Their skins are very pale and white, and very sensitive to burns."
"Redheart is pale and white!"
"No, her coat is white. That's the problem with this method, we ponies have fur coats. So unless you want to shave Redheart without her knowing or noticing, we skip this step."
Fluttershy conceded. Of the many ways she had thought she might die, shaving a vampony was not on that list. Though if she convinced Rainbow Dash to do it as a prank....
No, she wouldn't ask her friend to do that. This was HER show, Fluttershy decided.
Twilight kept reading. "Silver is next."
"Why silver?"
"Vamponies can't break it."
"Why not?"
Twilight raised a hoof.... and quickly set it down again. "I'm not sure. It says vamponies are stronger than normal ponies, but for some reason they are weak around silver."
Fluttershy's eyes followed the list. "Why is 'Need to be invited in' scratched out?" she asked.
"Fluttershy. Nurse Redheart has been invited in every building. That's part of her job."
"Oh. Right."
"Number three. Arithmomania."
"Um.... Bless you?"
Twilight fought the urge to facehoof. "No.... Arithmomania is a mental disorder that may be seen as an expression of obsessive-compulsive disorder, and ponies who have this disorder have a strong need to count their actions or objects in their immediate surroundings."
Fluttershy blinked. Twilight sighed.
"They feel the need to count all the things."
"Oh...."
"Four--they have an obsessive reaction to blood."
Fluttershy shuddered. She had no qualms about other animals' blood, but when it came to her own, she would much rather not see. That blood donation had been startling enough; luckily, it had been in a bag and not splattered everywhere. "Can we test that one last?"
Twilight nodded in acceptance. "Five--they dislike timberwolves, because wood is the only way to kill them...."
"And timberwolves are made out of wood," Fluttershy finished the thought. Then, her eyes dilated. “How are we going to test that one?”
Twilight shook her head. "We won't. I sincerely doubt we'll get that far.” Twilight rolled up the scroll. “Well, that's about it. There are more, but they got extremely complicated, or end up in death for both normal ponies and vamponies."
"Oh, this should be plenty," Fluttershy said.
Twilight had thought of something else. She tried to convince herself it was part of the experience for Fluttershy, but she knew that she was really just covering her tail for when the search came up negative.
"You know another rule I read about vampony hunting? You never tell anypony else that you're doing it."
Fluttershy looked alarmed. "Why not? Wouldn't you want help?"
"You would.... but what if you ask for help from another vampony, who ends up double crossing you?"
Fluttershy's eyes widened. "Oh.... I didn't think of that. Is... is it ok if I've already told someone else?"
"Who?" Twilight asked, with a bit more urgency than she liked creeping into her voice.
"Angel Bunny," Fluttershy squeaked.
Oh. Crisis averted. The absolute last thing Twilight wanted was her other friends, or--perish the thought!--Princess Celestia knowing that Equestria's most promising magic-user wasted a week on a vampony chase. Because there were not, are not, and never would be such things as vamponies.
"So how do we get her to smell the garlic? And what happens when she smells it?"
"I'm not sure. The books all say 'revulsion' so I guess watch and see how she reacts. Possibly just a crinkling of the nose; best case scenario, dry heaves. And the getting it there part is easy. Just
bring it inside the clinic."
Fluttershy thought for a moment. "Wouldn't that be kindof suspicious?"
Twilight paused, then nodded assent. "Yeah, kindof...."
Spike raised a claw. "Well, what else would you do? Make garlic hay fries and eat them in front of her?" Obviously, he was still a bit bitter about the hay fry debacle of yesterday.
"Or garlic bread," Twilight suggested.
Fluttershy's eyes narrowed in anticipation. It was show time.

Test the first: Garlic

"Ugh... What's that smell?"

Fluttershy jumped at the unexpected sound of Vinyl Scratch's voice. "Oh, I didn't see you there,” she said. She set down at her props, a small folding table and a basket of fresh, warm, garlic breadsticks. She looked back at the DJ, trying to figure out where her eyes were behind her signature purple shades. “They're garlic breadsticks, I'm practicing baking and I'm seeing if my friends like them," she said, rehearsing Twilight's cover story that she had practiced for many, many hours last night. She was glad her animal friends had been supportive and patient as she practiced.

On an unrelated side note, Angel Bunny, with a wet handkerchief over his nose, was at that precise moment burying all her garlic in the backyard, while hordes of Fluttershy's animal friends pranced about in happiness and cheered him on.

"Nah, garlic is no good for your throat, like for shouting and such, and I got a biiiig gig tonight. Plus, it smells nasty. See ya!"

Fluttershy had the feeling that she had just missed something very important, but she carried on. She walked down the street, eyes closed, head held high, props in her mouth. Fluttershy was a mare on a mission. Now all would go according to...

* * *

"I'm sorry, Fluttershy, but Nurse Redheart isn't available right now. She's helping with a very intensive surgery here today and it's going to take a couple of hours at least." Tenderheart smiled kindly.

...plan?

"Oh.... that's ok.... Um....." With her heart racing, Fluttershy thought fast. "I made them for everypony, but I thought she might like them too, especially. Do you want one?"

"Oh, I would, but I'm allergic."

Fluttershy blinked in surprise. "Ponies can be allergic to bread?"

"Gluten, actually, but that's not important right now. I can't eat these. You are more than welcome to share them in the waiting room, though."

Fluttershy had not planned for this. She, of course, had expected Nurse Redheart to refuse, but hadn't even considered her not even being there, and thus had no idea what to do.

She didn't want to go home and abandon her mission just yet, so she did what she did best.

She walked into the waiting room, passed the low table with the magazines on it, went to one corner of the room, quickly set up her little table with the basket of breadsticks on top—and promptly hid behind it, hoping that nopony would notice her (which is really hard when you're an adorable yellow pegasus).

* * *

Berry Punch was trying to stack all the blocks up into a pyramid of some kind (she probably thought she was building Canterlot itself), but, as usual, was slightly buzzed, and she kept failing. Finally, she gave up and wandered over by where Fluttershy sat with her garlic breadsticks.

Fluttershy didn't really know her that well, but she seemed nice enough--even if unable to remain sober.

"You know what's not a good idea, Miss Yella?" Berry Punch slurred, leaning against Fluttershy unsteadily.

Fluttershy blinked at the rolling stench of alcohol. She quickly realized that “personal space” was not an issue for Berry. "Um... My name is Fluttershy. Um... what?" Fluttershy asked timidly.

"Barlic geer. I mean... garlic beer."

The expression of both Fluttershy and Ruby Pinch was best described as, “wat”. This actually wasn't an uncommon expression for Ruby Pinch.

Berry, on the other hoof, didn't notice. "You ever tried that?"

"N- n- no, I can't say that I have."

Berry squinted, as if trying to discern something. “Ya evvver tried anything?”

“Oh, no, I couldn't,” said Fluttershy, retreating slightly.

Berry Punch was suddenly all smiles. "How's about you and me go get us somethin' to drink?"

"Oh, no, really, th- that's fine, I don't drink...."

Fluttershy's resistance went unnoticed by the purple mare as she threw a foreleg around the surprised (almost startled) pegasus, who responded with an “eep!”.

"Come on, Yellow, I'll pay. Besides, if you drink a drink, that's one less drink for me to drink. Right, Pinchy?"

Berry Punch's daughter, Ruby Pinch, looked up and, with her hooves on her hips and with impressive dignity and maturity for a foal, said, "Mommy, you're here to get help to stop drinking, not helping other ponies start!"

Berry Punch looked as if she'd been suddenly slapped in the face. She released Fluttershy and sat down hard on her haunches. "You're right, Pinchy.... I'm sorry.... I just...."

Ruby Pinch walked up to her mother and gave her a hug. "Come on, Mommy.... Nurse Redheart and I both believe in you.... You can do this."

Berry nuzzled her daughter's head tenderly. "I don't care what anypony else says, you remember that I love you," she said, with surprising sobriety.

The tender moment was interrupted by Ruby sniffing. “Are those garlic breads?”

Fluttershy nodded.

“It's been forever since I had one. Mommy, can I?”

Berry Punch wiped at her eyes, and nodded. “Only if Fluttershy says it's ok.”

Fluttershy nodded again. It had been such a sweet moment. Vamponies could wait.

“Oh, Miss Punch?” Tenderheart called from the front desk.

Berry stood up unsteadily and shuffled up to the counter.

“She really is a good mommy,” Ruby whispered to Fluttershy around a mouth full of breadstick.

Fluttershy smiled back. "She cares about you a lot, I can tell."

“Ey, Pinchy! She says Redheart i'n't gonna be back soon—guess this surgererery thingy is goin' long. We'll come back tomorrow, ok?”

Ruby thanked Fluttershy again, and followed her mother out.

It had been so cute, Fluttershy had almost forgotten about her original reason for bringing the breadsticks.

* * *

Fluttershy sat patiently.

She assumed, or rather hoped, that the rest of the day would be uneventful.

That hope was quickly dashed by a slightly frantic Cheerilee rushing in, followed by a limping Pipsqueak.

“Anypony?” she called frantically. Her eyes lit up when she saw Fluttershy. “Oh, Fluttershy, could I ask you to watch Pip here until Redheart gets back? We're on a field trip and I can't leave the others unattended.” There was a sudden sound of a commotion outside, sounds of foals, and of shattering glass. Fluttershy winced; Cheerilee's eyes widened slightly in dread.

“I... oh, not a problem,” Fluttershy smiled. “I'd be glad to.”

Cheerilee rushed off, with a grateful grin on her face.

Fluttershy turned her attention to the little pinto colt. He smiled back, eyes sparkling, his left forehoof was wrapped, but he seemed to be in high spirits.

“Are you ok?” she asked.

“Yes... I burned myself during a field trip to Sugarcube Corner. But it wasn't too bad--three fillies helped me.” He held up his wrapped hoof. “They called themselves the Cutie-Mark Crusaders.... something-or-others.”

Fluttershy inspected the dressing. “Oh, they didn't do too badly.” Oh, but they had. There was a knot way too high up, if the bandage were any tighter it would have been classified a tourniquet instead of a wrapping, and they had apparently used an entire roll when a pace and a half of gauze would have been more than sufficient. “Just.... let me.... adjust it a bit.” And Fluttershy began to re-wrap it.

Pipsqueak watched silently for a moment before commenting, “Everypony seems to trust you.”

“M- me?”

“Yeah. You're really nice.”

Fluttershy blushed and continued wrapping. “Tell me if this feels too tight,” she said as she finished the knot.

“No, I think that's perfect,” Pipsqueak said, flexing experimentally. Suddenly, Pipsqueak's stomach growled. He looked up sheepishly. “I sortof haven't had lunch,” he confessed, “and I had to leave before we got to the samples.”

Fluttershy smiled. “Well, you're more than welcome to have a breadstick,” she said.

Pipsqueak accepted gratefully.

Not ten seconds later, Tenderheart returned and called him in.

Fluttershy looked back at the colt. The breadstick was gone. He looked up gratefully.

“Thanks, Fluttershy. I was really hungry.”

Fluttershy melted at the look in his eyes.

So. Worth. It.

* * *

Pipsqueak had been released after Tenderheart had judged her wrapping “good”, but there was still no sign of Redheart.

Oh well. Just like with animals, sometimes you just had to wait.

* * *

And wait, and wait... Much time had passed, but still Fluttershy waited. She munched on one of her own breadsticks, because she hadn't eaten recently either. What were they doing in there, reattaching a wing?

She was interrupted by two young unicorns walking in.

“I told you it was a bad idea,” the short one said.

“It would have been fine if you had held on tighter,” the tall, lanky one responded.

“So now it's MY fault, eh?”

Fluttershy, not liking this conflict (when you're Kindness, little spats seem so much larger and much more pressing), let out an involuntary squeak.

“Oh, hey, Miss Animal Pegasus!” Snails greeted her.

“Yeah, hi, Fluttershy!” Snips added, all arguments forgotten.

“What happened to you two?” she asked.

“Talent show practice!” Snails replied.

“Yep!” Snips said proudly. “It's coming up soon, and we're going to have something grrrreat to show!” He paused. “….we just have to find an idea. We were going to try indoor parachuting.” They had obviously taken a tip or two from the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Fluttershy's inner worrier quickly found seven ways that that could go wrong. She probably could have thought of more, but number seven involved involuntary castration, and she quickly found something else to think about.

“Didn't work out, though,” Snails added sadly.

“Yeah, we'll need to come up with something else, now.”

Snails turned to his short friend. “Why are we here, again?”

“Because you hit your head and we wanna get you checked out, remember?” Snips answered.

Snails shook his head. “I would've remembered that.”

“Ooh... did you drink some water afterwards? That helps,” Fluttershy suggested.

“....I don't remember that either.”

Snips made an executive decision. “Let's get Tenderheart to look at you. Maybe we could talk to her now.”

“She might be busy,” Fluttershy gently protested.

Snips waved a hoof dismissively. “Nah, I'm sure it's cool. Nurses are cool like that. Nothin' bothers 'em.”

From behind the counter and under the desk, they heard Tenderheart's voice. “I'm drowning in paperwork! Alphabetize, alphabetize... What is this I don't even...” she said, her initial whine descending into incoherent mumbling noises. Was she... singing the alphabet song?

Snips' ears dropped. “Heh.... Guess I spoke too soon?”

Fluttershy's kindness instincts flickered. “Do you want a breadstick while you wait?” she asked, gesturing towards the basket.

The two colts took her up on that offer, and quickly demonstrated their appreciation for this gift.

“If this happens all the time here, I'm going to get hurt tomorrow, too!” (Tact was NOT one of either's strong points.)

Fluttershy winced. “Oh, I wouldn't recommend that.”

Five minutes later, Tenderheart had recollected herself enough to be presentable; ten minutes later she pronounced Snails 'dazed but unhurt'; and one minute after that, Redheart walked back into the waiting room. She was sweaty and tired, but obviously pleased with herself.

“Success!” she announced, looking at Tenderheart. “The wing is reattached..." and here, Fluttershy winced in sympathy pain—she had just been joking earlier; but as any pegasus knows, reattaching a wing was nothing to joke about. "...and should be functional in approximately four months; the surgeon will be.... why does it smell like garlic in here?”

Tenderheart looked up brightly. “Fluttershy brought some breadsticks to share!”

“Save one for me, I'm going to go wash up.”

Oh no you don't, Fluttershy thought. You're going to take it, and then hide it, so you won't get caught. I'm on to you! I will sit here and watch you eat it! Or, I'll sit here and watch as you won't eat it!

But, to her horror, when she reached inside the basket to check how many she had left, she realized that she had run out of breadsticks.

Ah... That was a problem.

“Um... Tenderheart?”

She had to repeat herself four times before Tenderheart heard.

“I... um... am out of breadsticks.”

Redheart walked back in, fur glistening wet where she had washed. “No breadsticks?” She wasn't angry, but Fluttershy cringed anyway. Redheart was actually calm. “Oh, I've had worse.” Another thought occurred to the white unicorn. “Have you been here all day?”

“Yep!” Tenderheart answered for the shy pegasus. “She's even been helping keep foals calm and even re-wrapped a bandage or two.”

“Is that so?”

Fluttershy nodded, a tiny hint of pride entering her voice. “I have to make sure all my animal friends heal right when they get hurt, so I know a lot of basic first aid.”

Redheart met Fluttershy's eyes. “We could really use somepony like that every once in a while. Have you ever thought about staying and working here long term?”

Long term.... Long term.... with a vampony? That's how she's going to get me to join her! Fluttershy's heart raced, her eyes widened, her breath caught in her throat. She took a shaky step backwards, protesting quietly.

"Oh, no, I couldn't, I have lots of animals to take care of, and I'd really better be going.... eep!" And she flew out the door, leaving behind her table, her basket, and the faint smell of garlic in the air.

A slightly awkward silence filled the air.

“She seems.... nice,” Tenderheart remarked hesitantly. “Is she always like that?”

“She's a little skittish, but very kind,” Redheart confirmed.

* * *

Having heard the story, Twilight Sparkle issued her verdict. “Well, that went well,” Twilight said, picking up her daisy sandwich with magic and taking a bite.

“No, Twilight! It was horrible! Now I can't prove she's a vampony!” Fluttershy.... shouted? Her voice never seemed to be above a whisper anyway.

"Fluttershy! Not here!" Twilight hissed, glancing around. Luckily, nopony seemed to have heard; the restaurant was fairly crowded.

With a small blush, Fluttershy looked down and morosely prodded her sandwich again with her nose.

Twilight took another bite and chewed thoughtfully. "Anyways, I'm pretty sick of garlic. I don't think I'll ever get the smell out of my mane."

"I know," Fluttershy agreed. "In fact, I can still smell it now."

Twilight sniffed. Strangely enough, she could smell it too. Then she looked behind Fluttershy and had to stifle a giggle.

"What?" Fluttershy asked, confused. She turned around--and saw white as Redheart was chowing down on garlic breadsticks at the table right behind her.

"Oh, Fluttershy, is that you?" Redheart asked. "I had nearly forgotten how tasty these breadsticks are! So sorry you ran out before I could get one, but after smelling them all afternoon, I just had to get one."

Twilight couldn't stop a slow, wide smile from spreading across her face, and quickly 'dropped her fork' and dove under the table to 'retrieve it' (and hide her smirk before Fluttershy could see).

Twilight: 1; Fluttershy: 0

Test one and a half: White River Hemlick

Author's note:
Today I learned the difference between coding languages HTML and BBC.
tl:dr no more span text notes.

When Fluttershy walked in the next morning at around 7:30, the checklist posted on the wall had the top item proudly crossed off, and with a flourish for good measure.

It was mocking her, Fluttershy decided. She felt a tiny flare of assertiveness.

“Twilight!” she.... called?, with much more bravado than she actually felt, “I am ready for test number two!”

Said bravado quickly evaporated when she heard a noise behind her. With an “eep!”, she jumped into the air and spun around to see Twilight, having just shut a book, looking at her strangely.

Fluttershy said nothing; she just floated there, hiding behind her mane, trying to prove to herself that she was strong enough—and failing miserably. Ooh, of all the times to have assertiveness problems... If she couldn't handle a book shutting, how could she handle a vampony? Vamponies actually had things to watch out for, like, oh, I don't know.... sharp, pointed teeth? She felt very helpless indeed.

Hearing Fluttershy's introduction and following squeak, Spike walked into the room for Vampony hunting day 2. Hey, it was this, or dust the stupid collection of “The Encyclopedia of Really Old, Really Famous Ponies that Nopony Has Ever Heard Of” again. As he walked in, the irony of this title hit him for the first time. A frown crossed his face. Who comes up with these titles, anyway? If they were smart enough to write a book, surely they were smart enough to come up with a better title than that.

Twilight paid no attention to either of these deep personal musings, but instead walked up to the hanging checklist and began with no introduction.

"Number one and a half. Vamponies have an aversion to certain herbs, specifically this... hemlick plant."

Fluttershy realized she was still hovering, and landed beside her friend. "It's more of a grass, actually. So how will we test that?"

Spike raised his claw. “Trick her into eating them?”

Twilight shook her head. “Too obvious and too suspicious. Besides, assuming she were a vampony, she would know she couldn't eat them and could claim allergies or something, like Tenderheart did.” Twilight thought about just how much energy she was expending on this project and resisted the urge to sigh impatiently.

"We can throw them at her and see if they burn her," Spike suggested.

Twilight let that image play through her head, just for amusement. She then reflected on how it would be a bad idea to start throwing things at somepony who worked in a place filled with sharp, pointy medical objects. "Your first idea was better," Twilight said.

“We could... have her drink them?” Fluttershy suggested.

Twilight looked at Fluttershy in confusion, but then it clicked.

"That's an idea.... We can make tea out of the leaves. It's a bit more natural and a bit more direct, and not suspicious in the slightest."

“And very refreshing,” Fluttershy added. “I've used this plant before.”

* * *

Fluttershy (with the help of her animal friends, of course) had gathered enough blades of the white hemlick to brew a nice, big batch of vampony-exposing tea. Fluttershy was happy that her friends were so willing to help (but, in all honesty, they were probably just relieved that she had given up on the garlic thing).

Twilight would have helped, but last time she had gone into the Everfree with Fluttershy, they had split up and Twilight had found an... overly friendly, shall we say?... swarm of bees, and so she decided to stay home and review heating spells. That had been an interesting day.... She had also learned that Fluttershy's Stare doesn't work well on swarms; but Twilight had appreciated that eight of the bees had ceased attacking her.

Eventually, Fluttershy returned to the library with the grasses. “Now I just have to wait a few days until they dry,” she said.

Twilight's eye twitched. Five minutes later, she was back with a dehydration spell.

With the blades now thoroughly dried, Fluttershy expertly crushed the newly-dried blades into tiny pieces, and mixed them with other leaves she had brought. “This should be a good blend,” she said, smelling deeply.

* * *

Together, they walked towards town. It had barely hit nine, so ponies were up, if a bit tiredly so.

All was going well, until Fluttershy found an injured squirrel on the path. Predictably, she wanted to drop everything and help him back.

So Twilight, to her great chagrin, found herself in the middle of town, setting up a vampony exposing booth all by herself.

"OK, not in the clinic itself this time, because that will be suspicious. I'm looking for somewhere close, but shaded." And with a couple quick (and probably unnecessary) calculations, she found the perfect spot and set up her little stand. With a quick glow of her horn, she started heating the water.

Her first visitor was, without a doubt, the most awake pony in all of Ponyville, if her bouncing were any indication.

"What's with the entrepreneur things going on, Twilight?" Pinkie giggled. "You're looking like a regular business pony!"

"Yes, well... I'm helping Fluttershy with a personal project. Her animals can't feed themselves, you know." Too late, it occurred to her that these were free samples, and she would make no bits off of them. Genius, Twilight....

Luckily, Pinkie Pie didn't pick up on her nervousness or her slip; or if she did, she ignored it. "Let me try." She took a drink, paused, and then her mane seemed to poof out even more. "That is amazing! It's tasty, sweet, and I can feel the energy flowing!" And she bounced off, even higher than before. Twilight hadn't thought that possible.

“Well hey, Twilight, what're y'doin'?”

“Hi, Applejack,” Twilight greeted her friend. “Just helping Fluttershy with a personal project. Want to try some tea? It's a small test to see how well it would sell.”

“Anythin' for a friend.” Applejack picked up a cup and sipped thoughtfully. “Well, it ain't as sweet as cider, but it ain't half bad,” she conceded. “See ya 'round, Twi,” and with that, she trotted off.

Twilight made a note. Two yeses, zero nos. Curiosity got the better of her, and she poured herself a cup. She swallowed gingerly. Not bad... until the aftertaste kicked in. She spat out what had been left in her mouth and quickly changed that tally to two yeses, one no. She found it bitingly bitter. But the other two had pronounced it sweet...

While she was pondering that particular difference in results, Fluttershy returned. “Want to trade places?” she asked quietly.

Twilight tried not to show her relief. “So far, so good,” she said. “No suspicion and one hundred percent of ponies surveyed enjoyed it.” She dropped herself from that equation. It's bad manners scientifically, you see, to put yourself in the sample size, because then the results are skewed. At least, that's what Twilight told herself. She continued, “Even Pinkie liked it and you know how she enjoys the tastier things in life.”

Fluttershy's ears went back. “P- Pinkie Pie?” she asked.

“She drank it, so she's not a vampony,” Twilight deadpanned.

Fluttershy shook her head. “No, it's not that.... Um... remember how I said it was refreshing?”

Twilight nodded, already sure that she wouldn't like where this was going.

Fluttershy continued, not making eye contact with Twilight. “Maybe a better word would have been 'energizing'....” she said softly.

Twilight processed this information. Her eyes widened. “Oh, no. We gotta stop her.” She glanced at Fluttershy, who seemed to shrink visibly. She looked back up and her ears drooped. “I gotta stop her.”

“Good luck?” Fluttershy squeaked.

“Thanks.” And with that, Twilight steeled herself, and turned towards Sugarcube Corner.

* * *

Twilight had been gone for about an hour. All in all, Fluttershy was pretty pleased with herself. She had managed to look a few of the ponies in the eye! And it seemed that the tea was pretty well received. That was an added bonus.

But still no sign of Redheart.

“'Sup, yella?”

Fluttershy looked up to see Berry Punch again. “Oh, hi, Berry.”

“Whatcha got there?”

"Fresh tea samples, I'm thinking of marketing this blend."

Berry Punch looked at Fluttershy.... both Fluttershys. What is the plural of 'Fluttershy', anyway? Fluttershies? Fluttershen? Fluttershii? Berry blinked and shook her head to clear it. She picked up a cup and examined it closely. "But you're already at the market,” she protested.

Fluttershy opened her mouth... and found that she had no adequate response for that.

Berry Punch sniffed the cup suspiciously. “Does it have alcohol in it?"

"Um.... no...."

Berry Punch sadly looked at her cup, then put it back down and shuffled off.

Poor Berry....

A few minutes later, Twilight walked up, mane bedraggled and eyes half-lidded. “I am NEVER working damage control for Pinkie Pie again....” she moaned. “She threw three parties at once; one for Pound, one for Pumpkin, and one for Gummy. And she attended each one. At the same time. Also, I'm pretty sure there was a fourth Pinkie in the kitchen doing all the baking... Luckily, whatever was in that drink wore off fast. I think she'll sleep for a couple hours at least. I know I feel like a nap.”

At that precise moment, Pinkie Pie bounced across their field of vision; eyes closed, smile wide, mane bouncy, and looking all-around pretty much normal (for Pinkie Pie, that is).

Twilight's internal logic circuits sparked in protest, and then fizzled. She shook her head and turned back to Fluttershy. "On this end, any luck?"

"Not really.... Berry Punch just turned me down."

"Did you write down her refusal? You have to document everything, you know. Names, cutie marks, everything. Makes it look more professional."

Fluttershy was perfectly content with her yes/no tally marks and had no intention of doing that, but she said, “I'll.... work on it.”

Suddenly, Applejack streaked across their view. It was probably Applejack. It was going really fast and it was about her shade of orange. And it had her voice.

“Soooo-wee! I ain't had this much energy since Ah ate an entire apple pie as a filly!”

“Um... refreshing?” Fluttershy said hesitantly.

Twilight facehoofed. What had she unleashed? Besides, controlling Pinkie Pie for an hour had more than exceeded her kindness quota for the day. “I'm going back to the library. Enjoy your day.”

* * *

Most towns slowed down around the noon hours, and Ponyville was no different. But this time, something was slightly different. Fluttershy noticed a general trend of foals walking. Foals on a lunch break wasn't uncommon, but it looked like nearly the entire school was on an unauthorized field trip.

She recognized one of them. “Snips?” she said softly.

Luckily, he heard her, though he did have to scan around before finding who had said his name.

“Heya, Fluttershy!” he said. “How are you today?”

“I'm fine. Where is everypony going? Do you know?” she asked.

“Do I? I certainly do.”

Fluttershy waited patiently for Snips to tell her.

“Aren't you gonna ask?”

Or that worked, too.

“Where is everypony going?” Fluttershy asked.

“Snails is about to perform the most awesomest trick ever!”

Scootaloo happened to be riding by on her scooter, following the crowd. Her buzzing wings slowed to a stop in front of the two. “Psh. I'll believe that when I see it,” she scoffed.

“Then you will!” Snips proclaimed.

Scootaloo waved a hoof derisively. “I've heard about this stunt. I go off ramps bigger than that just for fun. In my sleep, even.”

“Ramps?” Fluttershy already had a bad feeling about this. “Are you sure that's safe?”

Snips shrugged. “Probably not. But that's ok, because if he fails, we can go get some more of those delicious breadsticks.”

Fluttershy flushed ever so slightly. “Um... I don't have any today...”

Snips looked up in surprise. “What?” His face fell as recognition dawned in his eyes. “But that means.... SNAILS! DON'T DO IT!” and he took off as fast as his little legs could carry him.

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “I knew he wouldn't do it. He said he was jumping at 12:30, and it's...” She checked the clock in Town Square. “12:30...”

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Fluttershy said softly.

“Ah, it's not so bad,” Scootaloo said, tossing her mane lazily. “If you know what you're doing, anyway.”

At that precise moment, Snails came zooming down the street, wearing roller skates, and picking up much more speed than Fluttershy thought safe.

“Oh... I don't think he knows what he's doing... Is he screaming because he's happy, or because he's scared?” Fluttershy wondered aloud.

Scootaloo's eyes were wide open in surprise and her tiny wings buzzed in excitement. “I didn't think he'd actually do it. That's so cool!” she squealed.

A sickening crunch resonated through the street. Fluttershy gasped in horror and ran down to the point of impact, Scootaloo following closely behind on her scooter.

“I changed my mind,” Scootaloo said as she skidded to a stop in front of her injured classmate. “That is not cool.”

* * *

Some say that Fluttershy is weak. She isn't; she is just hesitant. But if she has some impetus driving her forward, there is nothing she can't do.

An injured colt is a very strong impetus. Cradling him in her forelegs, she flew to the clinic—and set a new landspeed record for Ponyville.

* * *

Redheart yawned broadly, but quickly stopped when Fluttershy burst through the doors. She was about to tell her to slow down when she saw the injured colt she was holding.

“What happened?”she demanded.

Fluttershy tried to catch her breath. “He was skating down a hill...”

Redheart moaned. “Why am I not surprised?” she muttered, taking Snails in her magic.

“Anything I can do to help?” Fluttershy offered.

Redheart thought for a second, and glanced down at Snails' unconscious body. “I gotta stop the bleeding before I can do anything else, if you want to help with that.”

* * *

“No! Tighter!”

Fluttershy made an “eep!” and pulled the wrappings tighter. This was the fourth time Redheart had snapped at her.

After a second, Redheart sighed. “I'm sorry, Fluttershy, I'm just really tired today. I got called in to a foaling last night and there were... complications. I got about three hours of sleep last night.”

Fluttershy winced. Then, she had a great idea. “I actually have this tea that is quite refreshing; if you wanted some, that is.”

But Redheart shot that down in a heartbeat. “I'm not much of a tea drinker, Fluttershy. I think I'm just going to go take a nap for my lunch break.”

“You haven't had lunch yet?” Fluttershy was surprised—it was nearly one.

“It's been a long day,” Redheart said shortly. “Pass me the thin gauze.”

* * *

Later that afternoon, Fluttershy knocked gently on the door of the library, and Spike let her in. As she entered, she saw Twilight on the floor, reading... or sleeping, Fluttershy couldn't tell.

“Maybe I'd better come back later,” she whispered.

Spike fixed that problem for her by cupping his claws around his mouth and shouting, “Twilight! Fluttershy's here!”

Twilight sat up with a start, her book sitting on her head like a little hat. She looked around, confused, until she pulled it off with a quick spark of her horn. “Fluttershy? How did it go?”

“Oh, good. Snails was ok, but he had a mild concussion. It's a long story," she said, answering Twilight's questioning look. "I stayed there until Redheart went on her lunch break.”

Twilight was surprised. “This late?”

Fluttershy nodded. “She had a lot going on. She was tired and she left, and she didn't drink any.” She shuffled her hooves. “I guess she doesn't like tea much. I was almost out, anyway. I have to make more.” She paused. “Tenderheart really liked it, though. She grabbed some before she left.”

Twilight nodded. “Sounds good to me. So.... can I help you with anything?”

“I wanted to ask.... I've been thinking....”

'Oh no....' Twilight thought.

“What if there's another vampony?”

“You mean, you don't think Redheart is a vampony anymore?” Twilight tried very hard to hide her relief. “I've been thinking that it doesn't make any sense that a pony that gets excited around blood try to hide in an area with injured, bleeding ponies.”

Spike had to put in his two cents here. “Unless maybe she's been a vampony for so long that she can control herself?”

Twilight wanted to say, 'That's ridiculous. Now you're just trying too hard,' but she stopped herself. Barely. (1)

Fluttershy waited, then continued, "Well... she came up, she said it was nasty and bitter.... Twilight, what if Vinyl Scratch is the vampony?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "She's not a vampony."

"She comes out at night!"

"She's a DJ. They work at night." And besides, you just saw her, Twilight silently added.

"She's white!"

"We've discussed that. It's her coat, not her skin."

"She wears sunglasses all the time because the sun is too bright!"

"It's a fashion statement.” Twilight suppressed a shudder. “Don't get Rarity started." She could already hear the white unicorn's complaints. “The purple is so... tacky!”

"She has red eyes!"

Twilight sighed. "She's an albino, Fluttershy, not a vampony."

Fluttershy had seen some of these rare white animals before, but hadn't made this connection. Spike, on the other claw, hadn't heard this word before. “What's an albino?” he asked.

A fourth voice answered. "It means I'm pure white. I have no color in my body. I have to dye my mane but since it's white anyways, I can do pretty much anything I want with it."

Fluttershy froze. She could not have moved less had she been turned to stone. "V- v- Vinyl?" she stammered.

"That's me!" The DJ trotted past the stunned Fluttershy and looked up at the bookshelves. "Hey Twilight, do you ever just organize and count all these just for fun? I do that with my records sometimes. It's just so... fun."

Fluttershy's eyes flew open wide. "Ar.... ar.... arith...." Fluttershy stammered... and then promptly fainted.

Vinyl lifted her glasses to look at Fluttershy's prone form. She blinked, confused. "Was it something I said?"

"No, she's fine. Spike, go get her some water or something.” As the baby dragon walked into the kitchen, Twilight sighed and it all came tumbling out. “It's just that she's been going on a vampony craze recently and she's just thinking that everypony here is one." Twilight blushed slightly—she hadn't meant to share that, but she had been frustrated.

This revelation didn't even phase Vinyl. She dropped her glasses back in place over her eyes and snorted slightly. "Oh. Yeah. Some ponies thought I was a vampony when I was young, cause of my white coat and red eyes. I finally took to wearing a thing of garlic around my neck. Ponies were all like, 'are you a vampony?' and I'd hit them with the garlic and said, 'could I wear this if I was?' and it was fun, cause sometimes it got in their eyes, and then they had red eyes too. Now I'm just sick of garlic, though. Brings back bad memories."

"Memories?"

Vinyl took off her glasses and leveled with Twilight. "Once, some other foals invited me over to a sleepover. Little filly Vinyl (2) hadn't ever gone to one before, so she happily went. Turns out they were all in it together to find out if I was a vampony and they held me down and doused me with cold water (3) and made me eat garlic and left me tied up in the sun, on my back, to see if I got a sunburn. Not the most pleasant of memories."

“Oh.... I'm sorry....”

“Eh, could have been worse,” Vinyl said, flipping her glasses back up in front of her eyes, her coolness having returned to maximum capacity. "Actually, I was here for a book on classical music. Lost a bet with Tavi, gotta stay for a full recital, and I want to know at least a little of what I'm getting myself in to." She tossed her head and muttered, “All four hours of it. In a chair. Not moving.” She paused and looked back up at Twilight. "So Fluttershy thought I was a vampony, eh?" Even behind her glasses, it was obvious that her eyes had widened with glee.

Twilight could read her like skywriting. "No."

"But..."

"No."

"But Twi..."

"No."

"Pwease?" Vinyl asked, taking off her glasses and making the saddest eyes she possibly could. Those red eyes could melt even a windigo's ice.

Unfortunately for Vinyl, Twilight was made of sterner stuff. "No."

Vinyl pouted and put back on her glasses. “You're no fun."

"She's my friend."

"We're all friends,” Vinyl protested. “It's funny."

"What's funny?" Spike walked back in with Fluttershy's water.

"Vinyl wants to scare Fluttershy by pretending to be a vampony," Twilight sighed.

"That would be hilarious!" Spike said.

"Two against one, majority rules!" Vinyl crowed.

Suddenly, both Vinyl and Spike found themselves outside the tree, having just been on the receiving end of a teleportation spell.

"House rules say I win!" came Twilight's rejoinder, a hint of madness entering her voice. “The house always wins! Always!”

Vinyl looked over at Spike. "Was it something I said?"

* * *

It was five o'clock, and Fluttershy knew that the clinic would be closing for the day. She sighed. Another day and still no proof. Shaking her head, she began to pack up her table. Suddenly, a flash of white caught her eye.

“Oh, hi, Redheart. You're looking much more awake, now.”

Redheart was certainly all smiles. She looked much more like her professional self, unlike the tired, snippy pony from this morning. "Actually, it was that tea you made earlier. Tenderheart gave me some when she got back from her lunch break. She said it was great. And it is! It's bitter, but it has kept me awake all afternoon! Thank you so much, Fluttershy!" And with that, Redheart bounced off. In a most professional manner, of course.

“Did... she just say she liked it?” asked a voice Fluttershy had been hoping to not hear.

Fluttershy kept her eyes down, avoiding the victorious smirk she knew Twilight was sporting. “Yes...” she said softly.

"Giant order in from Canterlot!"

Both ponies jumped at Rarity's voice. "I need MOAR," she declared, taking another cup and draining it daintily. "At this rate, I'll be up all night! But with this, this bitter but powerful miracle, I'll actually be able to do it! Thank you again, Fluttershy."

"Hmm," Twilight mused, watching the white unicorn bounce off back to her boutique. "So scratch another vampony test, but you may have stumbled on a good business venture. If Rarity likes this stuff better than her fancy leaves from that one place...."

"That's because my materials are all fresh." Fluttershy couldn't keep a hint of pride out of her quiet voice. "And I get all my animal friends to help me."

Twilight nudged her friend. "Keep that recipe. You might be using it later."

Fluttershy smiled at this tiny victory, but it faded when she realized that Redheart had escaped detection once again.

Twilight: 2; Fluttershy: 0

Hemlick--The Aftermath

Later that night, Fluttershy snuggled herself deeper under her covers. So what if Redheart got to fool everypony else for another day? This next test should prove it... right? She had to make sure her friends were safe.

Her musings were interrupted as she heard what she thought was somepony banging very loudly on her door.

No, that was impossible. It was the wind, hopefully.... Wait! There it was again.

Fear was her first reaction. Fluttershy whispered, “Nopony's home!” and pulled the pillow over her head.

"Fluttershy!! What did you do to me, Fluttershy??”

Fluttershy's heart nearly stopped.

“I'm going to get you, Fluttershy!”

She removed the pillow in surprise as she recognized that voice. After all this time, she had been chasing the wrong pony.

The vampony had been Vinyl Scratch this whole time.

She had walked right into the library, fooled Twilight, and now she was back to finish the job.

It's a strange feeling, being too scared to faint. Stranger still the thoughts that pop into your mind at such times. The thing that worried Fluttershy the most? Three months ago, in preparations for the Royal Wedding, she had invited Octavia over to help her teach her birds a song.

Vinyl Scratch had tagged along, and had tried to teach the birds some 'vocal dubstep' (1). That hadn't worked, but afterwards, Fluttershy had invited both ponies to stay for lunch.

Both.

Inside her house.

With the invitation already extended, the only thing keeping Vinyl from getting inside was the door. Fluttershy hoped it would hold.

A loud crash told her she had hoped in vain.

“Fluttershy!!”

Please don't come in, Fluttershy pleaded silently.

The universe chose to ignore that request, too, as Vinyl Scratch stumbled through the house and into her room.

“What did you do to me, Fluttershy?” Vinyl demanded. Her glasses were askew on her face, her mane was more messy than usual, and she looked positively horrifying.

Fluttershy was too scared to squeak.

Vinyl took another step forward—and then, with a loud metallic clang, fell to the floor. Angel Bunny stood behind her, frying pan raised behind his head just in case she got up again.

She didn't. With a shudder, Vinyl Scratch lay still.

Fluttershy looked fearfully at Angel. “Did you kill her?”

Angel looked up with an expression that clearly read, 'She was trying to eat you. That should be the least of your concerns right now.'

There was only one course of action now. “I'm going to go get Twilight. You stand guard! Please.”

Angel saluted smartly as Fluttershy flew out the door.

* * *

"Twilight!" Fluttershy beat (relatively speaking, that is) on the door with her hooves, casting nervous glances over her shoulder. "Twilight! I was wrong! It was Vinyl Scratch all along!!"

Suddenly, the door opened. Twilight stood there, looking very tired and quite out of it. Had she gotten sick?

Fluttershy's priority shifted immediately. "Twilight? Are you ok?" Kindness takes no breaks, even if there is a vampony on the loose.

When Twilight spoke, it sounded like she had come down with a cold. A really, bad cold. "I remembered why hemlick sounded so familiar. The full name is white river hemlick. It isn't white-river hemlick, meaning it grows near whitewater rapids like I thought; it's white river-hemlick, meaning its flowers are white and it grows near rivers. That's an old name. Today, it's commonly known as poison lemongrass."

Fluttershy gasped. "Poison?!?" She was horrified. "Did I poison the ponies?"

Twilight shook her head. "Oh, it's only harmful to unicorns. It messes with our magic. Basically, we get a magic cold. It wears off eventually, but until then..." How should she word this? "We're not happy."

"Oh.... That would explain a lot of things...." Fluttershy muttered. Then she realized she had spoken aloud. Her ears dropped and with a quiet “meep!”, she shrank under Twilight's questioning stare (not to be confused with The Stare™).

"Why? What happened?"

Fluttershy squeaked. With every word of her next sentence, her voice rose in pitch, diminished in volume, and she retreated further behind her mane and lower to the ground. "Um.... It could be very possible that maybe Vinyl Scratch could be slightly totally unconscious in my house?"

Whatever Twilight had been expecting, that was not it. "What??"

Fluttershy squeaked again, and if she had tried to say something else, Twilight didn't understand. She sighed. It wasn't like she was going to get any sleep tonight, anyway. Might as well be productive. “Lead the way, I guess.”

* * *

Fluttershy felt her wingtips flare in surprise at the sight. (2)

Surrounded by many animal guards, Vinyl Scratch lay strapped to the kitchen table (Fluttershy briefly wondered how they had managed to get it outside) on her back, held down by a strange assortment of ropes, strings, bedsheets, and even a piece of thread. In that position, her belly was ready to be exposed to the sun. Some fur had obviously been shaved, to expose more skin, but it had been done very irregularly and very unprofessionally. Angel Bunny was digging in a spot in the yard, as if to retrieve something. Or bury something. Fluttershy shuddered. (3)

Vinyl turned over and saw the approaching pegasus and unicorn. Her reddish eyes glinted as she smiled wryly. "I gotta hand it to ya, Fluttershy; your animal friends really know how to make a pony feel welcome."

"I'm so sorry, Vinyl, I had no idea...."

Vinyl shrugged as best she could. “Well, I don't exactly blame you. I did kindof bust into your house in the middle of the night. But that does remind me why I came by in the first place.” She coughed, cleared her throat... and started screaming again. “What did you do to me, Fluttershy? Why can't I use my magic? Answer me, Fluttersh-”

Her rant was cut short by a glass of water in her face. Twilight's patience was running quite thin and she had had quite enough. “The tea had poison lemongrass in it. I didn't know. I'm sick too. Stop shouting. It'll wear off soon.”

Vinyl mulled this over. “It'd better. At my gig tonight I couldn't use magic and it's been forever since I did it manually and I almost got booed off stage. That NEVER happens to DJ Pon-3. Never!” She said this with much conviction and emotion. Then she paused. “Pon-3 is me, by the way,” she said, by way of explanation.

“I gathered,” Twilight muttered. “Yes, it should wear off soon.”

“Good. Now get me out, please. I'm starting to get an ache in my back.”

* * *

After releasing Vinyl (and much work convincing Angel that she was not a threat after all), Fluttershy turned to Twilight. “Thank you so much for helping me.”

“Don't mention it,” mumbled Twilight.

“Anything I can do for you?”

“No,” Twilight said wearily, “I think I'm just going home.”

“Are you sure?” Fluttershy asked. “Before you go, I can make you some...”

Twilight's eyes narrowed. “Don't say 'tea'.”

Fluttershy deflated slightly. “...I was going to say soup....”

Twilight paused. “Actually, I'd appreciate that.”

* * *

After a nice bowl of warm soup (and Twilight gaining some appreciation for the eating skills of the magic-less races), Twilight and Fluttershy walked back to the library. Instinctively, Twilight tried to open the door with her magic, but nothing happened. Sighing, she kicked it open with her hoof. She scanned the library, but since Spike was asleep, it was just as how she'd left it—a bit of a mess. “Thanks for walking me home, Fluttershy, but you know you didn't have to do that.”

“Oh, it's no problem.”

Looking back, Twilight said, “You'd better go home and...” Not watching where she was going, Twilight ran into a bookshelf, knocking over a large statue balanced on the bookshelf.

She caught it with her magic. At least, she tried to. Her horn sparked but the magic didn't take, and it fell to the ground with a loud bang.

Twilight cringed. Hopefully it didn't wake up...

“Wah? Watch out! I know origami!”

...Spike... Twilight sighed.

“It's just us, Spike.”

The baby dragon poked his head out from upstairs. He rubbed his eyes sleepily. “What are you doing up so late?”

“Damage control. That tea we had had poison lemongrass in it, so it threw off all our magic.”

“Oh. That's a problem,” Spike observed sagely.

Too exhausted to think of a biting comeback, Twilight settled for simply nodding. “Now, hopefully everypony else went straight to sleep and we won't have to worry about this anymore.” She started heading up the stairs.

She stopped short when Fluttershy said, "Wait a minute.... what about Rarity? She was our last customer, and..."

Spike was awake instantly. “What happened to Rarity?” he demanded, clinging to Twilight's forelegs.

Defeated, Twilight hung her head. “Fine.... fine.... We'll go check on Rarity.”

* * *

The three headed down Ponyville's empty streets. Even if Twilight had been blind, she would have known where they were going—they could hear crying from inside the boutique. As they got closer, they could distinguish words out of the cacophony of wails and crying.

"This is the worst possible thing!"

Another voice; younger, shriller, but just as fierce, yelled back from upstairs. "We KNOW! Let it GO! It's two am and I'm trying to SLEEP!"

Two in the morning? Oh, Twilight knew she would regret this whole mess in the morning....

Heck, she was regretting this whole mess now.

Spike knocked urgently on the door.

“Go away!” the distraught mare wailed. “I don't want anypony to see me in this, my moment of weakness and failure!”

Twilight thought she could hear something pounding repeatedly upstairs, almost like the sound of a small head against a wall, and briefly wondered if Sweetie Belle were trying to knock herself out. This actually sounded like a sane idea.

“Later?” Fluttershy started, but Twilight was done waiting. Instinctively, she tried to open the door with magic, and was rewarded with a purple glow around the doorknob.

Rarity looked up from where she sat, hunched over her workbench, half-finished dresses surrounding her. They had obviously been started, but discarded when her magic had fizzled. She somehow managed to pull a relieved smile. “Oh... It is good to know that my friends will never desert me, even in times of trial!” (4)

“Your sister sure wants to!” Sweetie Belle called from upstairs. She went largely ignored.

“I don't understand, but somehow I have lost my magic! This is the worst possible thing!” Rarity wailed, her horn sparking as she instinctively tried to pull her fainting couch to her side... but due to her lack of magic, no couch was forthcoming; and she collapsed on the ground (where she commenced sobbing again).

Spike, sensing his chance, ran up to giver her a comforting hug. Fluttershy brought over a handkerchief. Rarity took it gratefully, wiping her eyes as she held it in a blue glow.

Wait....

Spike looked up at Rarity. “But if your magic is gone, how are you able to carry that handkerchief?”

Rarity looked up in surprise. Her eyes flicked from the handkerchief to the baby dragon, and back again, before she squealed with joy. “Spike! You healed me!” She gave him a kiss on the forehead and bounced around like Pinkie Pie.

“RARITY!!” Sweetie Belle's shrill scream showed that she was all manner of fed up with her sister. However, Spike, on his side (literally... he had collapsed in happiness after the kiss), was perfectly happy with Rarity, and would gladly have watched her bounce for the rest of the night.

Rarity resumed bouncing, but in place this time. “Ooh, this is fantastic! I need to get back to work.”

Twilight smiled wearily. “And I need to go back to sleep.” Quietly rinsing her hooves of this whole mess, she teleported back to her bed and was asleep before she even could pull up her covers.

* * *

A few hours later, Rarity poked her head into the room where her sister was sleeping and called softly. “Sweetie Belle, time to go to school!”

“Oh, come on!” her sister protested, the sound muffled (apparently coming from underneath a pillow).

“Sweetie Belle!” Rarity tried calling again, but was interrupted by a pillow hitting her face.

“Well, I never... Sweetie Belle, it's time to get up!”

“No!”

Rarity marched sternly (yet ladylike, of course) up to her sister's bedside. “Give me one good reason why not.”

Deep under her covers, the little white unicorn filly screwed her eyes shut and raised her voice. “Because it's SATURDAY, that's why!” she howled shrilly, all the frustrations of last night returning.

Rarity was taken aback, having worked so long she had forgotten that little detail. “Oh... right... Well, you still should...”

Rarity's train of thought was interrupted by another pillow hitting her face.

“Well, I suppose another hour or so couldn't hurt,” she muttered, leaving her sister to catch up on sleep.

Interlude: Cutie Mark Crusaders Vampony Hunters

Late the next morning, an excited young unicorn figuratively flew up the ladder leading up to the CMC clubhouse. It was a Saturday morning, and it was time for some crusading.

And frankly, after last night, Sweetie Belle was MORE than happy to be free of her sister for a little while.

Sweetie Belle burst in through the door. “I got a new idea for our cutie marks!” she announced proudly.

Her two companions hopped up from their poker game (which was good for Scootaloo—she was ahead two apples and she knew she would really want those later tonight).

“What is it?” Scootaloo asked excitedly.

“Well, anythin's better'n our last attempt,” Apple Bloom muttered.

Scootaloo stuck her tongue out at the earth filly. “Caddying was a good idea.”

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “Yer 'plan' was to follow Rainbow Dash aroun' everywhere she went. Ya do that anyway an' yer as blank as me.”

“Still have my idea,” Sweetie tried, but she was ignored as both her fellow crusaders attempted to earn a cutie mark in simultaneous yelling.

“Yeah? Well, maybe you should try something that has an ounce of cool in it, you little backwater....”

“I betcha just wanted Rainbow Dash's face on your flank, di'ncha, ya ostrich-brained....” (1)

Both were stopped by a white hoof in the mouth. “Girls! I got something.” Not waiting for further invitation, she began. “I was reading some of Rarity's romance novels....”

Scootaloo's face twitched in an involuntary expression of revulsion.

“....and it seems like they are always about how two ponies fall in love....”

Scootaloo felt a twinge of nausea. She licked her lips uncertainly.

“But it turns out that the beautiful mare's handsome stallion is a vampony!”

Scootaloo's stomach calmed, but only slightly. Vamponies might be cool. Might.

“But they figure out he's a vampony....”

Scootaloo's stomach seemed to be relaxing.

“And they go vampony hunting....”

Everything went better than expected, Scootaloo decided. Her stomach agreed.

“But then they find out that he's not bad, and then she falls in love with him again and joins him and then she lives with her handsome vampony stallion forever and ever!”

Scootaloo's stomach quickly called off all bets. The little pegasus gagged violently, her knees wobbled slightly. She felt the sour, acrid taste of bile in her mouth and swallowed shakily.

Apple Bloom had fared better with just a look of disgust, but she was far from convinced. “So.... yer plan is t' fall in love with a vampony? What would that even look like as a cutie mark? A heart with fangs or somethin'?”

Scootaloo's stomach gurgled threateningly. “Can't we try ziplining again or something?” she whispered weakly.

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “In all the stories, vamponies are strong, handsome, very gentlecolt like...”

“Please stop,” Scootaloo whimpered.

“...but I'm thinking we're too young for very special someponies, so we can go hunt them instead.”

“Why couldn't you have just started with that?” Scootaloo whined. (2)

* * *

Across town at the library, Twilight was feeling much better. The poison lemongrass had worn off, and Fluttershy had said that after last night, she wanted to take a short break from vampony hunting, so Twilight was, without a doubt, in a very happy mood, and she was very determined to make the most of this vampony-free day. (3) She happily dusted the shelves with all her windows and doors open, singing happily to herself. Normally this was Spike's job; but he, seeing how happy she was, decided to not rock any boats and went to go hang out at Rarity's.

Her dusting was interrupted by a visitor. "Hey, Twilight. Can I come in?"

Twilight looked up to see Berry Punch standing in (or, more accurately, leaning against) the doorway. "Of course. This is a public library, after all," she laughed lightly.

Berry Punch stumbled in. "Yeah, but sometimes ponies get mad if you come in wiffout asking first. Like when I went into Lotus's house. I'm still got the bruises."

Twilight suppressed a laugh, and the urge to correct her grammar. "I think the problem with that time was she found you in her bed, after she herself had gotten into her bed." Twilight remembered that night. She had learned some interesting new foreign swear words that night.

"I don't un'erstand why that would make her so mad," Berry said, stepping close to Twilight. "I've been told I'm really cuddly. You wanna help me find out why?"

Twilight quickly decided that while cuddling with a drunk Berry Punch was on her to-do list, it was close to 'befriend an angry cockatrice' (she still had nightmares about being turned to stone...) and 'make out with a teenage dragon' (4). "Uh, not really... Is there something I could help you find?" she asked.

Berry Punch paused thoughtfully. "I came in here for summat...."

"A book on the history of alcohol?" Twilight suggested playfully.

Berry must not have caught the playful tone or something, because she drew herself up to her full height, balancing precariously on her back hooves. "Just because I have a problem does not mean I am defined by my problem! You think just cause I like drinking that that's all I think about? You're wrong, Twilight."

"Sorry, I...."

"WRONG!"

"I... uh...."

"WRONG, I SAY!"

It's strange what goes through your mind at such a point. The only thing Twilight could think was, 'Luna would be pleased' (5).

Berry stopped and dropped to all fours. "Where was I?... Oh yeah—I'm lookin' for the next book in this series, it's pretty popular among the foals these days.... I even wrote it down." She reached behind herself and pulled out a paper. (6)

Twilight took the proffered paper, squinting to decipher the disjointed mouthwriting. "Oh, yeah, that just came in. I'll get it for you."

"Thanks. Ruby loves this series."

Twilight nodded as she scanned the shelves, selecting a book with her magic, and bringing it down for Berry.

As she took it, Berry Punch leaned in conspiratorially. "I do too," she added in a confidential whisper. "Even though it's supposed to be for foals."

As Berry Punch left with her prize, Apple Bloom walked in.

“Hey Twilight!” she called happily. “Ya got any books about vamponies?”

Twilight felt her right eye begin to twitch as she saw her plans for a vampony-free day begin to crumble before her very eyes.

* * *

Fluttershy walked down the street. She knew her vampony hunt was supposed to be confidential, but with the tests turning up negative results, she decided an outsider's opinion couldn't hurt.

Especially if the outsider giving the opinion was a master of strangeness and the unnatural herself.

As Fluttershy walked down to Sugarcube Corner, her heart started racing as she watched the ponies around her. It was slightly disturbing, the things she noticed, once she started looking.

Bon Bon was looking at jewelry, but none of the things on the table were made of silver....

Derpy was concentrating intensely on counting all of her muffins.... (7)

Lotus was walking to the market, but she was obviously making a concerted effort to stay in the shade....

Carrot Top stood smiling by her cart, but she too was standing completely in the shade....

A horrifying thought crossed her mind. What if every pony here was secretly a vampony and she was the only normal one? (8)

She shivered and ran into Sugarcube Corner.

Pinkie Pie was sweeping up something in the front of the store. She perked up even more than usual when she saw Fluttershy. "Hello there, Fluttershy!" she shouted, and then Pinkie Pie popped up from behind the counter. "What can I get for you?"

'Vamponies are faster than regular ponies.' The thought popped unbidden into Futtershy's head. She would have been afraid (she was already a little worried), but then remembered that time Rainbow Dash had shaved Pinkie Pie's cutie mark off as a prank, revealing her light pink skin, and the only thing Pinkie had gotten was amused (no sunburn).

She also had gotten revenge, if Fluttershy remembered correctly. She still couldn't fathom how the earth pony had managed to swap Rainbow's shampoo for black dye, let alone get up to her cloudhouse in the first place, but she had succeeded. Tomcolt she may have been, but Rainbow Dash was still very proud of her unique, colorful mane.

She shook her head and returned to the present. "Oh, nothing really.... it isn't much.... I was just wondering if you knew anything about vamponies."

Pinkie's eyes widened. "V- vamponies? VAMPONIES??"

"Um.... yes?"

Pinkie's eyes narrowed. "Oh yes. Yes I do."

Suddenly, the world went dark, and Pinkie began to sing.

Some say they're a myth, or a legend at best,
But vamponies exist, and they never ever rest.
Vamponies are dangerous! So remember this rhyme,
And you just might live to see the sun one more time.
A vampony's tough and they like to play rough, and their teeth, they are sharper than iron,
And they always wear leather, no matter the weather, and they are master-crafting liars.
They love to pretend they want you as their friend, but they're always just looking to feed,
They drink blood that's red and don't stop til they're fed but by then you'll be quite dead indeed!
They never do sleep when the night's dark and deep, and they thirst for blood all the time,
So if your hope is to save your throat then you'd better listen to my rhyme.
A vampony's strong, but can't hold it for long, they are always consumed with desire,
Vamponies hate garlic and white river hemlick and they die if you burn them with fire.
They can't cross the water, the sun feels much hotter and if they step in it they burn,
So stay in the light and sleep lightly at night and other such things you must learn!
If you bind her with silver she knows you will kill her, vamponies are weak in that way,
A stake in the heart or a long wooden dart will that awful vampony slay!
Vamponies are sly and they have yellow eyes, and they can see well in the dark,
So when the sky's blank you better watch your flank if you wander alone in the park.
Vamponies are strange, and they are quite deranged, but they always show off lots of class, (Like a sir!)
So you best watch your back for a sudden attack or they might take a bite off your....

"PINKIE!”

The pink pony turned around to see a very surprised (and more than mildly annoyed) Twilight Sparkle.

“What are you doing?" she demanded.

Pinkie lost none of her previous energy or excitement. "Oh, hey, Twilight! I'm explaining about vamponies to Fluttershy!"

Twilight scanned the room. Pinkie Pie was garbed in the most ridiculous outfit she had ever seen--why was she wearing a clock as a necklace? Vinyl Scratch stood by her turntable, looking slightly sheepish (though that might have been the large plate of cupcakes sitting next to her, many of which had bites taken out of them); Fluttershy cowered under a display table in the middle, looking about as white as the bag of flour that had exploded in the kitchen; it was, to put it nicely, a bit of a mess.

Twilight took a calming breath. "Pinkie, do you believe in vamponies?"

Pinkie smiled. "Nope!"

"Oh....” Twilight tried to hide her relief, and failed miserably. “That's good."

"If I did, I would have to throw blood parties for them! Where would I find that much blood? I mean, you can't just go up to ponies and ask them for their blood, that doesn't make any sense. Plus, how would you get it out? And what if nonvamponies came too? THEY can't drink blood, that would be gross! I would need two batches of everything, and it would all have to be labeled, and what if as a prank somepony swapped some of the cupcakes? That would be terrible!" She slowly sank to the ground, bewildered by her own logic. "Wow, this is a lot more complicated than I thought."

Twilight blinked at this in confusion, blinked again in surprise as her internal logic circuits found no inconsistency in Pinkie's train of thought (a most unusual occurrence), and then quickly took advantage of this lapse in Pinkie's talking. "Ok-sounds-great-we-gotta-go Come-on-Fluttershy Bye-Pinkie!" and she turned to head out the door.

"Wait! Don't you want to try my new 'Better than Books' chocolate cake?"

Twilight froze, one hoof off the ground, her internal logic circuits squealing in protest as they tried—and failed—to process this information. Better than books? Impossible. She didn't move, but her ears pricked up, swiveling back towards Pinkie Pie.

"It isn't always called 'Better than Books' chocolate cake, but 'Better than the most favorite-est thing of the pony that eats it' was just too long and didn't fit on the name placard."

Normally, Twilight would have been surprised at Pinkie's choice of words. Now, however, she was intrigued.... and the research possibilities....

And there was nothing Twilight wanted like a nice experiment to keep her mind off her vampony-free day that had somehow gone south.

* * *

After separating for supplies, the three fillies met in their clubhouse again. Apple Bloom had brought the book from the library, and the three were studying it intently. Sweetie Belle had also brought one of Rarity's novels. Scootaloo avoided that book as if it would burn her. Which, in all honesty, it probably would.

Out of the blue, Apple Bloom asked, “Do y'think Twilight would banish anypony t' the moon?”

“I dunno. She is Princess Celestia's private student. She might know how, but that'd be really strong magic,” Sweetie Belle mused. “Why do you ask?”

Apple Bloom thought back to when she had gone to check out the vampony book from the library.

“I don't know why you want this,” Twilight said, eyes twitching and mouth open in a too-wide smile. Apple Bloom could see the hairs in her mane start to fray and separate. Memories of a certain doll and a want-it-need-it spell rose unbidden to Apple Bloom's mind, and she took an involuntary step back. “There are no such things as vamponies. No such thing. No such thing,” she started to repeat the last line in a sing-song voice. “No, no such thing at all! And if anypony tries to tell you differently, don't believe them! Don't believe them, Apple Bloom! Don't believe them!”

“Eh, no reason,” Apple Bloom said. “So, what do we have so far?”

Sweetie Belle had just skimmed most of the book, but attempted to make herself sound smart. “Vamponies like being alone and don't go out much, and they don't like being in the sun so they often have long hair. They can usually talk to animals, and they are really strong when they want to be, even if they pretend otherwise.”

“That sounds like somepony I know!” Scootaloo said.

“Rainbow Dash?” Apple Bloom said flatly.

“No! Fluttershy!”

Her two friends paused as they considered this. “Actually, Scoots has a point,” Apple Bloom said.

“I know. Surprised me too,” Sweetie agreed.

“Hey, I'm sitting right here, you know,” Scootaloo protested.

“She has a long mane, she talks to animals, she stays quiet, but she's really strong. Remember what she did to that one bear?”

“Or how the cockatrice didn't affect her? She's got to be our vampony!”

“She's never just sitting in the sun.”

“She never wears jewelry.”

“...What does that have to do with anything?”

Sweetie Belle slid the book over and pointed at a photograph. “They don't like silver or most metals, apparently. So I know Rarity can't be one.”

Scootaloo looked up excitedly. “Girls? We have us a vampony.”

* * *

Fluttershy knocked gently on the library door. She half expected Twilight to be angry with her after Pinkie's crazy song, and so was even more hesitant than usual. She was unsurprised to see Spike open the door. She was surprised to see that he looked like he had participated in the Running of the Leaves, but as a leaf instead of a pony.

"Spike! What happened?"

"Experimentation," Spike spat the word like it was a curse (a really long, really awkward curse). "Twilight decided to try eating the 'better than books' chocolate cake while reading two books at once in a book fort."

"Oh dear! What happened?"

Twilight walked in. Rather, she stumbled in, a goofy grin on her face. She might have been blushing slightly, but Fluttershy couldn't tell. "Sensory overload. Translation: Best. Experiment. Ever."

“She lost control of her magic,” Spike whispered.

Fluttershy nodded, then turned back to Twilight. “I came to ask you about...”

“Please don't say vamponies,” Twilight said, her voice still high-pitched and euphoric, but a hint of insanity coursed through her words.

“Oh, no... I was looking for a map of the forests. Angel Bunny has a family reunion tomorrow, and he leaves tonight, and I don't want him getting lost.”

Twilight was immensely relieved. “Right here!” she chirped, floating over a book. “Topography and maps of the general area, minus some deep areas of the Everfree Forest.”

“Oh, that makes sense. There are some places even I wouldn't go in there.”

Twilight thought about commenting on the irony of the shy pegasus being the one to explore the dangerous Everfree, but decided against it. Her head was a bit too floaty for good, witty remarks anyway.

* * *

That afternoon, one worried pegasus and one exasperated bunny sat in Fluttershy's cottage.

“And did you pack enough carrots for the trip?”

Angel gave an exaggerated sigh and nodded yes.

“And did you....” Fluttershy was interrupted by a quick spray of water to her face. Angel stood there, with a now empty cup in his paw. “I'm sorry, Angel, I just want to make sure you'll have a good time at your reunion.”

Though he couldn't communicate it, Angel Bunny was already dreading Great Aunt Hortense's usual greeting. The food wasn't bad, though. Fluttershy made her food with love, but at a rabbit reunion, you can eat... well.... like a rabbit. And with other rabbits. And girl rabbits. But that was beside the point.

He stroked her mane comfortingly (but just once—he is, after all, still Angel Bunny), then hopped out the door.

Fluttershy thought, I wonder if anything will happen tonight, the one night he's gone.... Oh, I'm sure I'm just overreacting.

Neither bunny nor pegasus noticed the strange, dim light from inside the chicken coop.

* * *

Sweetie Belle hung up her lantern and began to speak. “First order of business—are our flanks covered? Rarity thinks I'm at the clubhouse.”

“Told Applejack I was goin' to a sleepover.” Apple Bloom shrugged. “It's still basically the truth. We just ain't sleepin'.”

“I'm covered,” Scootaloo said, glaring at a chicken that had decided to make her back her perch. She shook her back, and the chicken flapped back to the ground, protesting noisily and scattering feathers everywhere. “Can you use chicken feathers for anything? They're everywhere!”

She hadn't really expected an answer, but Sweetie Belle provided anyway. “Chicken feathers, no. They don't even make good pillow stuffing; but their blood is used in many dark magic rituals.”

Behind her, a chicken squawked, as if in protest.

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom blinked silently. The earth filly broke the awkward silence first. “I'm not gonna ask how you know that. First step: prepare ourselves. Do you have the garlic bread?”

Scootaloo reached into her pack and pulled the loaf out. “One loaf of the finest garlic bread... uh... maybe half a loaf of... day-old garlic bread? Hey, I'm on a budget here!”

Apple Bloom shrugged and took a bite. “Close enough,” she said, spewing crumbs as she spoke. “Step two: Arm ourselves. What do you have?”

“Besides really bad garlic breath?” Sweetie teased.

“I got hungry on the way over, all right?” Scootaloo said defensively.

Sweetie Belle lifted a hoof in a nonthreatening gesture. “I was joking.” She turned back to her own bags. “I got a silver pin. It's just a little one, but it's the only one I knew Rarity wouldn't miss. And a couple earrings, 'cause they're cool.”

Sweetie Belle didn't see Scootaloo roll her eyes, but Apple Bloom did. Then again, she wouldn't have expected any less out of the pegasus. And, in all honesty, she was tempted to roll her eyes, too—Sweetie Belle was the only one of the three who had pierced ears. “All right. Scoots?”

“I heard that vamponies don't like right angles, so I strapped two small pieces of wood together.”

Apple Bloom mentally translated this to, 'I kindof forgot so this is what I had on me and I'm making this up as I go', and merely shrugged. (9) “Well, I brought a few branches that I cut into stakes. Hope apple tree wood works just as good as that white ash wood the book said to use.” She looked down at the checklist. “Next...” She smiled as she read the next line. “We get ourselves a vampony.” (10)

* * *

Fluttershy lay on the couch and hummed softly to herself as she sipped her drink. Casting an eye at the clock, she realized that it was time for her pre-bed-post-drink check-up of her closer animal friends.

She did a lot of checkups.

Shifting herself off the couch, she folded her blanket neatly and headed out the door to make her rounds.

The first thing she noticed was a small light from inside the henhouse. Instantly assuming the worst (a fire was burning her chickens!) she ran up and poked her head inside.

Her chickens were sitting peacefully, only making the occasional rustling or soft clucking. The light came from a lantern hanging from the rafters, keeping them awake. Fluttershy stepped inside and floated up to look at it. “I would have remembered this,” she muttered, and then realized that it wasn't her lantern. She was mildly confused at this (who hides lanterns in chicken coops?), but took the offending light source down and turned it off. “There. Now it's nice and dark for you,” she said comfortingly. A chicken clucked gratefully.

Still slightly blinded from the sudden transition of light to no light, Fluttershy walked out of the henhouse, and didn't notice three shadows watching her.

She did notice, however, when they jumped her.

Three shadowy monsters with sharp, pointy fangs, long claws, and shiny eyes—one had two sets! One on their face and their ears!—leapt out of the darkness. And as if their appearance wasn't terrifying enough, they spoke a strange demonic language!

“Ha! Gaka, ramhony!” one shadow squealed.

Fluttershy squeaked and fainted.

The three crusaders stood silently around Fluttershy. A slight breeze ruffled their black cloaks. Apple Bloom looked over at Sweetie, and noticed with some amusement that her earrings reflected the light, looking just like a second set of eyes. Scootaloo spat out the stake she held in her mouth. An elongated silence followed.

Scootaloo broke it first. “Well.... that was easy,” she remarked.

The three quickly checked their flanks. Still blank.

“Aww....” Apple Bloom sighed.

Sweetie Belle thought back to the books. “Maybe we're supposed to fall in love with the vampony?” she suggested.

Scootaloo retched violently and fought hard to keep her lunch. She made it. Barely.

“Ah am NOT kissin' Fluttershy,” Apple Bloom maintained.

“Seconded,” Scootaloo gasped, licking her lips shakily.

“So, now what?”

“Maybe we should go check that book again,” Apple Bloom suggested.

This yielded inconclusive results.

“So apparently we're supposed to kill the vampony,” Sweetie Belle read.

Scootaloo smiled and picked up a stake again. “Shouns goo' ka me,” she said.

Apple Bloom thought for a second. “But what if Fluttershy i'n't really a vampony?” she asked.

All three turned to look at the still-unconscious pegasus.

“I kug gus kes ih,” Scootaloo said.

Sweetie Belle didn't understand what her friend had just said, but Apple Bloom had been through enough family reunions with enough varied accents that she could understand just about anything. “Yeah, 'Ah was just testin' is gonna go over REAL well if she ain't a vampony and they arrest ya for murderin' Fluttershy.”

Scootaloo spat out the stake again. “Cutie Mark Crusaders Murderers just doesn't have a good ring to it,” she agreed. “So now what?”

Sweetie Belle scanned for an answer. “Vamponies can't survive in the sun, because it hurts their skin. So we just keep her underbelly exposed to the sun. If she's a vampony, she gets burned. If not, she's fine.” She smiled. “Looks like cutie mark crusaders vampony exposers are go.”

Twilight watched from the loft as Fluttershy entered the library.
“Good morning, Fluttershy,” she greeted her friend.
“Hello,” Fluttershy whispered in return.
“Come for the next test?”
“Yes.... if that's ok,” Fluttershy answered. “We're really close, I can feel it.”
“Closer than you think, Fluttershy.”
Fluttershy looked confused.
“Oh, Fluttershy....” Twilight teleported herself directly in front of the yellow pegasus. “I'm so surprised. I thought somepony like you who knew about different animals would have figured it out by now.”
“Know? Know what?”
Twilight leaned in. “Silly filly,” she breathed, dragging her tongue up Fluttershy's neck. “It was me all along.” She dove in for the kill, teeth piercing Fluttershy's jugular, blood spurting everywhere. Fluttershy screamed but at the same time was shouting her name oh wait that wasn't Fluttershy screaming my name oh wait that's me screaming but who's screaming my name wait what?

“Twilight!”

Twilight Sparkle, very much alive and not a vampony, sat straight up in her bed. Her body shook, covered in cold sweat; and she couldn't help but feel her teeth with her tongue to make sure she didn't feel fangs. Spike stood at the foot of her bed, a worried look in his eyes.

“Nightmare?” he asked.

Twilight groaned loudly, nodded, then collapsed back onto her pillow. This had gone on long enough. She had to end this vampony obsession. Before even the break of dawn, she dragged herself out of bed and headed out to Fluttershy's cottage.

Where, once again, she met a very strange sight.

Fluttershy lay on her back, against the fence surrounding the chicken compound. Her hooves and wings were splayed out, and ropes tied her four hooves to parts of the fence. Most disturbingly, she was surrounded by three fillies wearing black cloaks and smiling broadly.

“Hey Twilight!” they cheered.

“Oh, hi, Twilight,” Fluttershy said.

You know that little red flag that goes up in your mind when you know you're about to ask a question you don't really want the answer to? Twilight saw that flag, and another twelve just like it, but she decided to ask anyway. “What's going on, and why is Fluttershy tied up?”

Fluttershy's, “Oh, it's ok. I don't mind too much,” was cut off by a much louder and much more energetic Apple Bloom. “We're catching vamponies! Right now we're just waiting for the sun so...” Her speech was cut off by the sound of something grinding together. Instinctively, the three took another step closer together.

Twilight looked back at Fluttershy. Misinterpreting the reason for her angry expression and grinding teeth, Fluttershy leapt to the girls' defense. “It's no trouble, really. See? I can get myself out if I wanted to.” She easily pulled one hoof free and smiled nervously.

Twilight turned to the three now very frightened fillies. What little shame Scootaloo felt that her knot had not held was quickly replaced by fear. Their eyes widened as they watched Twilight's mane begin to fray, and her eyes begin to twitch.

“There. Are. No. Such. Things. As. VAMPONIES!” she shrieked. And with a flash of light, all three disappeared. (11)

* * *

Apple Bloom was the first to recover... and the first to freak out.

“She banished us to the moon!” she wailed.

Sweetie Belle, ever the ignored voice of reason, tried to calm her friends down. “Girls? We're in the clubhouse.”

“That's worse!” Apple Bloom howled. “We've been banished to the clubhouse an' now we'll never get out! We c'n see out but we can't ever leave! A thousan' years! A thousan' years!” She started sobbing uncontrollably.

Scootaloo tried to calm her friend too, but when you're as hysterical, it's kindof hard. “Don't worry,” she said, almost hyperventilating, “It's not too bad here. It's nice at night, and the wind doesn't get in and it's not too bad...”

Both were interrupted by an apple hitting Scootaloo on the head. (12) They looked out the window to see Sweetie Belle, outside the clubhouse, sitting on the grass, eating a second apple, and smiling broadly.

Without a word, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked at each other, looked back outside, and silently walked outside to join their friend.

The three defeated fillies headed back into town for another one of Pinkie Pie's 'free-cupcake-after-another-failure-to-obtain-cutie-mark' mini-parties. Scootaloo felt these were slightly demeaning, but nopony ever turns down a free cupcake from Pinkie Pie. Besides, Pinkie Pie was the only pony in her right mind in the whole town that would give a filly a cupcake for breakfast.

“Well,” Sweetie Belle spewed out some colorful sprinkles as she commented with a mouth full of chocolate icing, “At least it wasn't as bad as that one night where we played truth-or-dare” (13)

Scootaloo growled and grit her teeth. “I thought we swore to never mention that again,” she hissed, teeth clenched tightly.

Apple Bloom managed to suppress her laughter; Sweetie Belle, not so much.

“I hate you both.”

* * *

Post cupcake (and a little clean-up), they returned to Fluttershy's house to offer an apology, which Fluttershy quickly and graciously accepted. Angel Bunny stood there too, arms folded, his eyes an unreadable mask. He hopped inside to return with three envelopes, and gestured towards the fillies.

“Oh, did you bring them back a souvenir? That's so kind of you,” Fluttershy said happily as she headed back inside.

Angel tossed the envelopes at the feet of the fillies. Apple Bloom picked hers up and opened it with her teeth.

Inside, she found a lock of familiar-looking red hair; in fact, it looked suspiciously like hers.... She read the accompanying note. It was in harsh writing, as if the writer hadn't had much practice with a pen, but the words were plenty clear.

“tUcH Her aGain and i ~~welL~~ wilL eNd yoU.”

Apple Bloom turned to her fellow crusaders and noted that they too had similar letters, complete with clippings of their own manes. She looked back at Angel, who made the “I'm watching you” gesture, then turned and hopped away. (14)

“Cutie Mark Crusaders Hiders in the Clubhouse until he calms down?” Sweetie Belle suggested.

“Seconded,” Scootaloo quickly raised a hoof.

And with that, the Cutie Mark Crusaders Vampony Hunters turned in their hunting licenses for good.

Final test: Silver

Twilight paced and fretted incessantly as books swarmed around her, wreathed in a soft, purple glow. Spike watched with mild amusement (but he made sure he was well out of the way of the splash zone of her rage).

“I'm just glad that the clinic is closed today!” Twilight said, continuing the rant she had been working on for the past few hours. “I don't think I could stand another day of vampony hunting. I'm just so sick of it! I can't wait until the next test is failed—because it will be!—and then maybe we can go back to things being normal!”

Spike chose this time to make a witty observation. Having been present for many of Twilight's rants, he knew when to push and when to stay quiet. After four hours of ranting, it was no longer a 'stay quiet' time. “Things are never normal around here, Twi.”

Twilight paused, apparently deciding between facehoofing and agreeing, and she chose the second. “Well, that's true, but you know what I meant! This is insane! Insaner than usual insane! I can't believe how much time I'm wasting on this when I could be doing something more productive!” (1)

“You're helping a friend,” Spike started, but Twilight cut him off.

“She's convinced herself that Redheart's a vampony! She'll be twisting evidence to fit her views!She won't see a failure as a failure!”

Spike nodded. "Is there any way, theoretically speaking, for a vampony to resist the tests?" he asked.

"I'm not sure! I'm looking! For anything to prove her wrong! Anything! Any exceptions! But there are no such things as vamponies!"

Spike nodded sagely. Thanks to previous experience, he knew just how to deal with her at times like this, and now seemed like a good time to divert her attention. “That sounds very stressful. You should probably eat something.”

“Not hungry,” Twilight said.

Spike raised an eyebrow. “Twilight. It's four pm. You haven't even had breakfast yet.”

Twilight's growling stomach concurred. Spike smiled. It wasn't often he was the voice of reason, but he enjoyed it every time he was.

“Fine...” Twilight said. “Just don't let me forget where I was.”

* * *

Evening saw a much more peaceful household. Spike had, of course, let Twilight forget where she was, and Twilight, having lost her train of thought, had let it go (have you ever tried to rant without a full head of steam? You just can't do it!) and had finally gotten in some good reading before falling asleep. Luckily, there were no more nightmares; but alas, Twilight was not to get a good night's sleep tonight either.

Tap, tap, tap.

"Twilight!" she heard a faint voice call.

"I'm not sleeping on the job!" Twilight said, sitting up—and promptly falling on her face. Disoriented, she sat up, scanning around her room. She had been in bed, it was night, Spike grumbled in his sleep and rolled over, her bookcases were still in pristine order, a pony floated at her window, the moon was....

Wait, what?

She shook her head to clear it, but sure enough, Fluttershy was hovering by her window, tapping on the glass.

Twilight opened it. "Fluttershy? What is it?"

"Oh, I'm really sorry to disturb you...."

"And yet you did it anyway?" Twilight muttered dryly. She regretted it the instant it slipped out of her mouth, but with the stress (and now sudden wake-up), her mental filter wasn't completely online yet.

Fluttershy deflated visibly and cowed behind her pink mane, sinking lower as she spoke. "Oh, if it's too much of a bother, I guess I can ask tomorrow...."

"No, no; I'm already awake now.” Twilight smiled and hoped she looked sincere. “What's bothering you?"

"I had a dream, and I wanted to ask you... Do vamponies sparkle in the sunlight?"

Twilight blinked. "Wat." She shook her head to clear it again. "Do... vamponies sparkle in sunlight? Is that what you asked?"

"Um... yes."

"No. They burn. Sparkling is the most ridiculous thing I have heard. Maybe next time you should double check the mushrooms you put in your salad." Twilight glanced over at the clock, and her jaw dropped. "Two in the morning?? Fluttershy!"

"I'm sorry!" Fluttershy squeaked, retreating even further behind her mane. "I just wanted to know...."

"It's fine." Twilight took a calming breath. "I'm going back to sleep. You can stay here if you don't want to fly back when it's this dark."

"Oh, thank you. I don't like flying when it's this dark outside."

And yet she had flown here in the dark? Twilight decided that Fluttershy was tougher than she looked. She should probably look more into that, write a friendship report or something, but it was just too early in the morning.

* * *

Early the next morning, Twilight woke up. She stretched happily, ready for this new day. Her good mood was suddenly killed when she remembered that Fluttershy had spent the night and then was expecting another vampony test today; however, her good mood was slightly restored by the smell of something cooking coming from the kitchen.

As she trotted in, she saw Fluttershy add another pancake to the stack already in front of a very excited Spike.

“Looks like someone's in a good mood this morning,” Twilight commented.

“This is awesome! Can we keep her? Please?” Spike asked, drizzling even more syrup on his breakfast.

Fluttershy blushed. “Well, I don't think all my animal friends would be too happy about that....”

“We can't foalnap Fluttershy,” Twilight said, turning to Fluttershy and giving her a look, as if daring her to say that she wouldn't mind being foalnapped.

Fluttershy didn't notice her glare, as she had turned back to the griddle and was expertly flipping another pancake. She did reply, though. "No, that would be a bad idea. I have too much to do at home."

* * *

After a very tasty breakfast, Fluttershy read the next item on the list. “Test number three: silver.”

“Our third and final test,” Twilight said, trying not to let her relief show. “We can ask Rarity about that. I'm sure she has a lot of jewelry she can lend you.”

Fluttershy nodded. “That's a good idea. I can go in for a simple check-up, and see how she reacts to all the silver. I can go see Rarity right now.”

Twilight cocked her head. “Are you sure the boutique is open right now?”

Fluttershy nodded and turned towards the door. “She started extended hours this week. She opens at seven and closes at seven.”

“That's... extraordinarily convenient,” Twilight said, as Fluttershy left.

Spike shrugged. "Weirder things have happened here."

* * *

You know that sense that all mares have, when they can tell that another mare is looking especially attractive? Twilight's sense went off about an hour later. This was mildly surprising, because the only other visible being was Spike, and although he was making muscles in the mirror, nothing he was doing could qualify as “hot”. (2)

But when Fluttershy walked in, it all made sense. Twilight couldn't help but stare in awe. She wore various bracelets and necklaces, and somehow Rarity had managed to place them in such a way that they accentuated Fluttershy's natural beauty (much to the yellow pegasus's embarrassment).

“Wow, Fluttershy... Rarity sure did a number on you.”

Fluttershy blushed bright red and tried to hide behind her mane, but Rarity had styled it and pulled it back and her face was still exposed.

“Oh, Twilight, would you please come with me? I've never been stared at so much and I don't want to be alone...”

“Are you really going to go in like that?”

Fluttershy gestured at the necklaces and earrings that graced her body. “I don't think I have much of a choice.”

“You don't?” Twilight asked.

Fluttershy gestured with one hoof, and Twilight saw that they were held in place with a sticking spell, a typical trick of the fashion world. It held the bracelets and other ornaments on the pony so they didn't fall off. It was a simple charm, but specifically tuned to the one that had cast it, and so canceling it would take magic that would be best preformed by the original caster. Sure, given a little time, Twilight could crack it; but if she channeled wrong, she could end up breaking the bracelets or, worse, making the bonds permanent. Well, permanent until her fur grew out, anyway. Of course, they could just cut the fur off, but that would definitely earn her some stares (and not the good kind) and that fashion emergency would probably give Rarity a heart attack.

Twilight steeled herself. “Well, then, let's go. I'm sure it won't be too bad.”

* * *

Fluttershy sat despondently on a chair in the waiting room. “That was the worst experience of my life.”

“It wasn't that bad,” Twilight tried to comfort her friend, but, for once, Fluttershy was right.

“I have never had so many ponies looking at me before. And they were whistling!”

That had been a little over the top, Twilight did agree with that.

“Well, at least you're safe now,” Twilight said.

At that moment, Berry Punch stumbled in, an exasperated-looking Ruby Pinch behind her. She looked at Fluttershy and did a comical double take. “Whoa, Fluttershy!” She walked up to the yellow pegasus, smiling broadly (and bringing the smell of alcohol, which clashed with the already strong smell of antiseptic). She leaned up against Fluttershy. “You got some nice duds on!”

Fluttershy just blushed, while Twilight rolled her eyes.

Berry Punch began playing with her necklace, batting it like a cat toy. “Heehee,” she laughed. She held it up to her face and cuddled it. “It's nice.”

Without warning, she collapsed onto Fluttershy, still holding the necklace. “You're... nice too, Flutter...” she said, before losing consciousness.

Fluttershy looked up helplessly. Twilight shrugged. Ruby Pinch sighed. “I'm sorry,” she said. “She does that sometimes.” She walked up and began stroking her mother's mane.

At that moment, Redheart walked in, and seeing the strange setup, couldn't hide a sigh. She levitated a clipboard. “So... Berry Punch?”

Berry didn't even stir. Redheart's eyes narrowed, but she didn't push the issue. “Fluttershy?”

Fluttershy glanced down at the sleeping Berry Punch and squeaked awkwardly.

“All right, then. Twilight Sparkle?”

“Oh, I'm not here for... well, I wasn't... uh... ok.”

* * *

Twilight grumbled to herself as she left. “You have high blood pressure,” she said in a mocking voice. “It's probably due to stress... Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure that one out... vamponies everywhere... dreams... Fluttershy...” She turned to look at Berry Punch, still draped across Fluttershy. “Oh... and drunk ponies,” she added another complaint to that list. “No wonder I'm stressed.”

Redheart checked her clipboard for no other reason than for appearance (as Fluttershy was the only other pony in the waiting room). “Fluttershy?”

“Um, Berry?” Fluttershy started kindly. “I... uh.. kindof have to get up, now.”

Berry didn't stir, but her back left leg did twitch.

“Oh, for...” and with that, Twilight's horn glowed; and she lifted the drunken pony up off of Fluttershy and set her down none too gently on the floor. Ruby glared at Twilight accusingly, and then snuggled up to her mother on the floor. Berry reacted immediately, reaching out and pulling her daughter close happily.

Twilight sighed. This was probably going to be a long day. Again.

* * *

Twilight sighed as she picked up her lunch again. “Well, so what did your investigation reveal?”

Fluttershy chewed thoughtfully. “I'm perfectly healthy, so that was nice to hear. She looked tired today.”

“Yeah. She apologized to me and said she hadn't eaten breakfast this morning. Running late again.”

“I'm not so sure... did you see her sigh when she saw me?”

Twilight personally thought Redheart might simply have been tired of seeing Fluttershy; but if she said that out loud, the pegasus would be crushed forever. So she settled with a much safer, “Yes, and?”

“She saw the silver... What if she knows?”

"I don't think so. I think she was weak because she skipped breakfast," Twilight maintained.

"She was weak because of the silver!" Fluttershy maintained just as stoutly (albeit at half the decibels).

Twilight sighed and pushed the rest of her hayfries over. “We'll have to develop another test or something. You can have the rest of these, I'm going home.”

“Ok. Good bye, Twilight.”

* * *

It was a quiet late-afternoon at the Ponyville clinic. Tenderheart was nearly done filing paperwork, while Redheart was cleaning some equipment. With no one else around, Redheart decided to air some pressing concerns she'd recently been having.

“Say, Tenderheart, would you mind being open with me?”

Tenderheart nodded slowly, confused as to where Redheart was going with this. They had been working together for a while now, but their relationship was mostly professional.

“So Fluttershy has been coming in a lot recently, right? I can't be the only one thinking this.”

Tenderheart nodded. “Yes. No. Wait... No. Yes! Wait... No... wait..." She sighed in annoyance. "No, you're not alone; yes, she has been coming in a lot. Why?”

“And she looked like she'd dressed up a bit for her check-up, right?”

“Glad I wasn't the only one to notice that, too,” Tenderheart said. “The silver and yellow kindof clashed, though.”

Redheart swallowed. “Well.... you don't think.... she might.... you know, like me or something?”

Tenderheart laughed.

Let me rephrase that. She burst out in uncontrollable gales of laughter so strong and overwhelming that she had to set down her paperwork, and wipe a tear from her eye.

Redheart narrowed her eyes. “You saying I'm unlovable, Tenderheart?” she growled, her professionalism cracking slightly.

Tenderheart attempted to stifle her laughter. “No, no, not at all, but she doesn't exactly swing that way. She's got her eyes on.... shall we say.... 'bigger prey'.”

Redheart's interest was piqued. “Who?”

“Oh, I can't say.”

Redheart's eyes narrowed.

“Doctor-patient confidentiality,” Tenderheart smiled. Redheart could have sworn that an innocent little halo had appeared over her head.

“That is NOT on our list of things we can't talk about. I know the list—I did all the paperwork before you came.” And I hated EVERY minute of it, she silently added. (3)

Tenderheart merely smiled and turned away. “Nope!” she sang.

She froze when she saw a white glow around the bottommost paper in her completed stack. She turned, horrified, to see Redheart, her horn glowing softly.

“Tell me,” she said. There's professionalism, and then there's getting things done, and Redheart knew how to walk the line between the two.

“No,” Tenderheart said uncertainly. “You wouldn't.”

Redheart gave a little tug. The stack slipped precariously closer to the desk edge. “I would.”

Tenderheart felt her resolve weaken like cotton candy in water. “But that's alphabetized,” she whimpered.

The stack slid a little bit closer to the edge.

Tenderheart bit her lip. Redheart smiled cheekily.

The standoff could only end one way.

“Fine!! It's the Apple stallion!” (4) Tenderheart wailed. “Just leave my paperwork alooooone!”

Redheart was, quite frankly, disappointed by this revelation. “Big Macintosh? Seriously? Name one mare who hasn't crushed on him,” she said, instantly crinkling her nose at the slight slang phrase that had left her mouth.

“I know, right?” She gave a quirky smile. “I wouldn't mind having him.... do a checkup on me, if you know what I mean.” (5)

Pause.

“I did NOT need that in my head!” Redheart moaned, rubbing her temple furiously to try to rid herself of that particular mental image.

Tenderheart laughed at her colleague’s plight. “So is that why you sighed when you saw Fluttershy?”

Redheart slammed a hoof into her face. “No, but thanks for reminding me... I have to go to a wedding this weekend and her outfit reminded me that I needed to pick up some clothes. And probably a ton of jewelry.” Redheart shuddered.

“Ooh...” Tenderheart grinned. “Fancy wedding?”

“The fanciest.” An eyeroll slipped out from behind Redheart's mask of professionalism. “My sister is marrying this hotshot lawyer, and so I have to be there.”

“Sounds like you're not too excited to go,” Tenderheart observed.

Redheart exhaled. “My family has never... approved of my profession. Too personal, too much helping, and not enough money for my father's tastes.”

Tenderheart nodded compassionately. Her own parents had hoped she would take over the family business, and they hadn't kept much in contact since Tenderheart had moved to Ponyville and changed her name to fit her new profession.

“So I'm going to Rarity's tomorrow, if I remember.”

“You remember a lot of things,” Tenderheart said comfortingly. “You barely need these files, you remember medications, training, patient history, I'm not surprised you don't have any more room for yourself in there.”

Not sure if she was being complimented or criticized, Redheart settled for nodding.

“In fact, you could just go right now,” Tenderheart suggested. “A little change of pace.”

“Her shop is still open?” Redheart asked in surprise.

“New extended hours from seven to seven. Saw it this morning on my way to work.”

“That's generous of her,” Redheart remarked, turning back to her desk.

Tenderheart snorted a laugh, prompting a funny look from Redheart.

“What?” Realization (and horror) dawned. “...Did I just make a pun?”

Tenderheart couldn't hold back her laughter anymore.

Redheart set her head down on her desk and exhaled in defeat. She hated puns. (6)

“Well, go on, then! I can finish this paperwork myself. You could use a little distraction.”

Redheart shook her head, but turned and headed out the door anyway.

* * *

Most mares, if not all, enjoy feeling beautiful and desired. Rarity personally knew of dresses she had made for no less than seven different mares that had never seen the nightlife; they were for putting on whenever those mares were feeling down and needed a little shot of self-esteem.

Fluttershy was no different. She looked at herself in the mirror, admiring the necklaces and earrings. She pretended she was a beautiful princess, walking stately down the street as everypony stopped, bowed, and lifted their heads to stare.

Wait.

Everypony staring?

At her?

Fluttershy let out an 'eep!' and shook her head to escape her daydream. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, after all.

“I'll just return these now,” she said.

* * *

Fluttershy knocked quietly on the door to the Carousel Boutique.

“The open sign is there for a reason!” a happy voice sang out. “Come in!”

Fluttershy pushed the door open and felt her heart drop at the sight. She saw Nurse Redheart standing on a little platform, wearing a dress worthy of a Gala afterparty. The ensemble fit well against her white fur, the vibrant colors accenting her body nicely. She was still wearing her hat, but Fluttershy knew that Rarity would probably veto that.

Of course, that's not what really bothered her. What really bothered her was the jewelry that she was wearing. Silver accented her clothes, and large silver earrings adorned her ears.

“Fluttershy!” Rarity trotted up happily. “Well, did they work? Did you catch that colt's eye? I'm sure nopony would be able to resist that look!”

Fluttershy flushed deep red, looked down, and mumbled something that sounded vaguely like, “not really”.

Redheart digested this new development. Surely she was just getting a bit paranoid. It's not like Fluttershy would lie to Rarity about which gender she wished to woo.

Upon further reflection, she redacted that statement. (7) Being the primary caregiver for most of Ponyville, she had seen some weird things done for weird reasons, and had long since given up being surprised by anything. (8)

Fluttershy was still flushing bright red. She had told Rarity that she wanted the jewelry to attract a colt. After Rarity had squealed out all of her excitement (about seven minutes worth), she had been happy to help. And she had tried—she had walked by Sweet Apple Acres. And it had worked. Kindof. The shiny silver stood out against the green, brown, and red that covered the orchard, and Big Mac had noticed and caught her eye.

At that point, Fluttershy had lost all her nerve and kept walking away. Quickly. Ok, maybe she flew away. And she might have been going as fast as she could. But it was a mild improvement over what normally happened—nothing.

“I came to give these back,” she said.

“Oh, that's just what I was looking for,” Rarity muttered, quickly and easily undoing the spell of holding. Fluttershy's necklaces and bracelets all fell off in a pile of silver, and Rarity picked one up and placed it against Redheart's fur.

Fluttershy waited with baited breath.

Redheart held it up and adjusted it with her teeth until it sat perfectly in the middle of her foreleg. She rotated her hoof, noting how it gleamed in the light.

“Yes,” she said. “I think this will do nicely.”

Rarity smiled broadly, happy at having made another excellent choice. “Now, if you're going for a full wedding, you're going to need another color for the reception...”

Redheart groaned in annoyance. “And probably another for the afterparty...”

Fluttershy knew her work here was done. “I'll just leave you two, then,” she said, turning back towards the door.

Redheart decided to perform a little experiment. “Oh, Fluttershy?”

The pegasus looked back.

“Your mane looks nice like that.”

Fluttershy looked down, scuffed a hoof and mumbled a “thank you” before turning to leave.

Redheart hid her relief well. That had been the embarrassed action of a shy pony, not the embarrassed action of a love-struck pony.

This relief was short-lived as Rarity accidentally stuck her with a needle right in the flank. Redheart gasped in pain and then groaned in annoyance again. It was just her luck.

Fluttershy, on her part, was hating her luck, too.

Twilight: 3; Fluttershy: 0
Game, set, and match (9)

Final Confrontation and Friendship Letters

Twilight paced back and forth, mumbling to herself as she read various books.

Her rant was interrupted by a snarky remark from a certain little dragon. “If you keep that up, you're going to wear a hole in the floor. Again.”

“Enough, Spike!” Twilight snapped. “Fluttershy will probably come back today and want another test! I can't give her another test!”

Her rant was interrupted by a loud knock on the door.

“I don't have another test!” Twilight shouted at the door. “Go away!”

“...You're under house arrest?” The voice was impressed. “Daaang, Twi, what didja do?”

That wasn't Fluttershy's voice... Twilight opened the door to see a mildly confused Vinyl Scratch.

“So... good story?” Vinyl asked, nodding her head eagerly.

“No, it was... I meant... never mind. Returning the book?”

Vinyl trotted inside. “Yep. It wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be.” She paused. “Though I did learn that Octi has a killer right hook...” she added, dolefully rubbing her left cheek. (1)

Quickly deciding not to ask, Twilight settled for nodding and reshelving the book.

“So what were you yelling about, anyway?”

Twilight sighed, but decided to admit it. “Vampony tests...”

“Still?” Vinyl asked.

“Yep.”

“What have you tried?”

Twilight levitated the list over, and Vinyl inspected it. “You didn't cross off the sight of blood one.”

“Fluttershy brought Snails to the clinic after his crash and she didn't react. I think he's still there, actually...”

“Or the arithmo-whatchamacallit.”

“She hates paperwork.”

Vinyl shrugged and passed it back. “Sounds good to me.”

“Yeah,” Twilight sighed, “But Fluttershy doesn't believe it still.”

“I know what I saw.”

Both mares spun around, seeing Fluttershy, who had walked in unnoticed.

Vinyl took the list again. “How about the sun one?”

“We can't just go and ask her to roll on her back for us!” Twilight protested.

Vinyl cocked her head. “We can't?”

“Of course not!” Twilight scolded. “You can't just ask somepony if they're a vampony or not!”

“But why not?” Vinyl asked.

Fluttershy raised a hoof... then paused. She had no idea why not.

“Common courtesy, for one,” Twilight said.

Vinyl took off her glasses and stared at Twilight incredulously. “Do I look like Octavia? That has never been a good reason.” She slid her glasses back on and turned purposefully towards the door. “Come on!”

“Vinyl! There are no such things as vamponies!”

Vinyl turned around, took off her glasses, and looked menacingly at Twilight. “A vampony would be verrry confident about that to cover their own flank. Are YOU a vampony?”

Fluttershy squeaked.

“What?” Twilight stuttered.

“I knew it!” Vinyl crowed, pointing a hoof accusingly at Twilight. “It's always the nerdy ones!”

“Hey!” Twilight growled.

“So if you're not a vampony, roll over,” Vinyl challenged smugly. “And then help us confront Redheart."

Seeing no way out of this, either with her dignity or without, Twilight sighed and lay down. She rolled over, exposing her underbelly to the sun.

And, of course, nothing happened. Besides the blush that appeared on her face, that is.

“Well, that was easy.” Vinyl turned back towards the door. “Let's go talk to Redheart.”

Twilight sighed heavily as she rose to her hooves. “Fine. Spike, you stay here.”

“But why can't I come?” Spike whined.

Twilight's normally straight mane began to fray at one edge, and one eye started twitching. “Because, oh number one assistant, there are no such things as vamponies! They do not exist. Did you ever wonder why all those vampony books were at least fifty to sixty years old and nothing recent had been printed?”

Such a thing had never even occurred to the baby dragon. All he knew was she asked and he found.

"It's because they are old legends! Stories, nothing more! There are no such things as vamponies. Or zombie ponies! Or wereponies! Or seaponies!"

Spike raised a claw hesitantly. "I believe in seaponies...."

“Don't tell me. Lyra?”

“Yeah, how did you know?”

"Argh!" Twilight collapsed and began banging her head repeatedly against the ground.

Fluttershy was very frightened at this display from her friend. Vinyl, on the other hoof, had seen much weirder and took this all in stride. “All right, then.” She lowered her glasses firmly. “Move out!”

Twilight took a brief break from hitting her head. “The clinic isn't even open yet!” she protested.

“Details, details!” Vinyl waved a hoof dismissively as she walked out the door, alone. A few seconds later, she came back in, seized Fluttershy's tail firmly in her mouth, and dragged her out the door.

* * *

Fluttershy raised a hoof to knock, but Vinyl had other ideas. Namely, bursting through the doors unannounced and yelling, “Hey, Redheart!”

The loud interruption made Tenderheart jump, and, as an unfortunate reflex, throw her paperwork everywhere. She moaned sadly, staring blankly at the paperwork raining down and carpeting the ground.

Vinyl walked up to the counter and leaned happily against it. “So, where's Redheart?”

Tenderheart numbly raised a hoof and pointed back, deeper into the clinic, before slumping down on her desk in utter defeat.

Fluttershy would have gone over to help right away, but Vinyl had grabbed her hoof and bodily dragged her further into the clinic.

A minute or so later, Twilight walked in, and saw a downcast Tenderheart surrounded by paperwork. She let out a tense breath. “Don't tell me,” she deadpanned. “I just missed them.

Still without saying a word (and with her head still planted firmly on the desk), Tenderheart raised a hoof and pointed in the direction they had gone.

* * *

Redheart was in one of the patient recovery rooms, checking her supply of blood bags. Every once in a while, they needed to be replaced, and so she wanted to make sure that she was using them in the right order. You know, first in, first out and such.

She held one in her magic and was squinting to read the date on the label when suddenly the door was flung open, and hit the wall with a loud crash.

“Redheart!”

Redheart was... 'startled', is how she would put it later. But that seems too soft a soft term for her reaction: a harsh curse word that slipped her lips and a flare in her magic from shock.

Which caused the blood bag she was holding to explode all over her face. (2)

So, when Fluttershy peeked her head around Vinyl's tail, all she saw was Redheart, with her face covered in blood.

So, of course, she fainted.

* * *

Fluttershy stirred. “Oh,” she whimpered. “That was a strange dream.”

She noticed she was on her back, but it didn't feel like she was on a bed. She opened her eyes... and found herself looking right into the eyes of nurse Redheart.

Whose face was covered in dried blood.

Fluttershy did the only thing she could think of to do.

She screamed.

”EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKK!!”

She turned to run, but found herself caught in a magic glow. She flailing her wings and legs repeatedly, trying to escape the wrath of this vampony.

Idon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon't...

Twilight, who had been the one casting the spell holding her, waited until Fluttershy had calmed down (read: worn herself out) before setting her down gently.

“This was an accident,” Redheart said, gesturing to her bloody front. “I'm certainly not a surgeon. I haven't had the training. And I'm certainly not one for experimentation sans preparation.”

“Oh...” Fluttershy said. “I was... I mean, I thought.... you...” her voice trailed off.

“What was that?” Redheart asked.

“I thought... you might have been...” she squeaked.

Vinyl rolled her eyes. “She thought you were a vampony.”

Redheart did her best to keep her professionalism intact, but she couldn't stop the left side of her mouth from cracking up into a bemused half-smile. Nor the small exhalation of breath that clearly showed her amusement.

“Ridiculous, right?” Twilight asked.

Redheart nodded. “If I'm understanding right, then yes, it is most illogical. I'm no physicist, but the whole “not appearing in mirrors” thing violates every known rule. The burned by the sun condition is frankly quite silly, because sun damage takes much longer to accrue than you would think. Their alleged healing factor would require an expenditure of energy of alacornic proportions, and that's even while assuming no nerves were cut. Also, a pony body simply cannot survive without oxygen, and even if they could, the muscles of the body cannot relax or contract without a healthy supply of oxygen. A vampony wouldn't be able to move. Furthermore, blood, while a good source of iron, cannot provide nearly enough trace nutrients required for healthy brain activity, nor any physical activity whatsoever--due to the lack of important ions, the nerve synapses would eventually simply fail to function.” (3)

Vinyl cocked her head.

Redheart translated. “Vamponies are a load of horseapples.”

“Ah....” Vinyl nodded her head in understanding.

“So there's no possible way you could be a vampony,” Twilight flatly eliminated all other options.

Readheart shook her head. “No. It's impossible.”

“Great!” Vinyl shouted (prompting a wince from Fluttershy and causing Redheart's mouth to twitch once). Her eyes narrowed. “Then prove it.”

Redheart cocked her head. “Prove it?”

“The sun,” Vinyl said. “You know what to do.”

Redheart looked over at Twilight, as if she were debating calling for a straitjacket. Twilight gave a little sigh and shook her head in defeat. “They won't give you any peace until you do,” she said.

Redheart groaned as she walked over to the window, opening the curtains and the glass, and making sure no one was in sight. "Ugh, this is quite embarrassing and most irregular...." she muttered darkly. Casting one last disparaging look, she stretched out on the ground, and rolled onto her back, exposing her hairless belly and inside of her legs to the sun.

They waited.

And, of course, nothing happened.

"See? No burn."

"Hellloooo nurse!” Snails' voice rang out, causing shock among the three ponies. Apparently, he had wandered by from another room. (4)

Twilight blinked once and her horn glowed. The unsuspecting unicorn fell to the ground amid a shower of gauze and wraps. "Quick memory-loss spell. He won't remember a thing."

"Thanks,” Redheart said, trying (and failing) to hide a blush from her cheeks. She pushed herself to her hooves. “Now, I really must get back to preparing for my patients." She stepped up close to Fluttershy. "See? No such thing as vamponies. And if there were, and if I were, you should have just come to me and asked in the first place."

"Sorry," Fluttershy whispered.

Redheart gave her a gentle hug. "Don't worry about it. Just.... don't go behind my back for so long again, please?"

Fluttershy nodded.

“Good. Now, I have work to do, and I'm sure you do too. But we always do love volunteers, if you're ever interested.”

Fluttershy smiled. “I think I'd like that.”

* * *

Three mares left the clinic. Two were suppressing emotions, one was happily bopping along to the music playing in her head.

“You were right, Twilight,” Fluttershy whispered, trying to hide her disappointment and shame.

Twilight had to work hard to avoid bouncing happily. As it was, she just nudged Fluttershy kindly. “Don't worry about it. It was a fun adventure, right?”

“I guess....”

“Yeah,” Vinyl added. “Now that we disproved vamponies, you can focus your efforts on real things. Like stopping zombie ponies.”

Fluttershy froze. “Z- z- zombie ponies??”

“Yeah, the undead ponies that live deeeeep in the Everfree Forest, and if you don't have a cutie mark, they let you join them, but if you do, they kill you!” Vinyl let out a gasp of horror as she looked at Fluttershy's flank, as if seeing her butterflies for the first time. “Fluttershy! You have a cutie mark!”

“Fluttershy, there are no such things as zombie ponies!” Twilight said. “Sunny Town is just a...”

But she was too late. Fluttershy had already fainted.

“...myth.... VINYL!!”

* * *

Tenderheart had left behind her terrible paperwork mess. She was outside the clinic, replacing the “open” sign and doing a little sweeping, something to distract her from the horror she had just experienced. She looked up and sighed sadly.

“You know,” she said, “I wouldn't mind a little something funny right about now.”

As soon as those words left her mouth, she heard the sound of laughter and rage at the same time. She turned to see Vinyl Scratch running down the street, laughing uproariously, while a furious Twilight Sparkle chased her, her horn sending purple blasts of magic at the fleeing DJ.

Tenderheart smiled as she continued sweeping. Yep. Just another normal day here in Ponyville.

Dear Princess Celestia,
This week has been rather.... different. After donating blood, Fluttershy was convinced that Nurse Redheart was actually a vampony. Of course, I disagreed, but I followed along, helping her where I could. We used everything from garlic to poison lemongrass to silver. Of course, we eventually found out that she wasn't, but it did take a couple awkward situations.
I learned how important it is to make your friends' problems your problems, and I definitely have more respect for Fluttershy and how strong she can be when she thinks her friends are in danger.

Your faithful student,
[signed]
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. I can't believe I spent so much time on this....

My Dear Student Twilight,
It is a good lesson you learned, to always be there for your friend, even if what she is doing is confusing to you. You put your friends first, and I'm proud of you.
[signed]
HRH Princess Celestia

P.S. You may wish to inform your friend Fluttershy that garlic does not in and of itself repel vamponies; it is just extremely pungent to their rather sensitive sense of smell. Therefore, it is only effective on keeping away young vamponies, as more mature vamponies will have accustomed themselves to the odor.

Dear Princess Celestia,
Wat

Epilogue

Berry Punch walked into the examination room for her "weekly alcoholic therapy" with Nurse Redheart. In all honesty, it was more like bi-weekly. Sometimes tri-weekly.

As she came in and hopped on the cot, Redheart closed her eyes and cast the silencing spell on the room. Nopony would be able to hear anything that happened inside her office.

"I just want to thank you again, Nurse Redheart," Berry Punch said. "I don't know how you have kept this up for so long without somepony getting suspicious."

"Oh, you know, part of the oath I took requires me to care for every pony, no matter their issue," Redheart smiled as she levitated over a blood bag. "No matter how.... rare the condition. And besides, I just claim the blood loses its effectiveness over time and needs to be destroyed and replaced, and that's technically true anyway."

Berry Punch grabbed the proffered bag and tore off a corner, greedily drinking it in. She pulled back in appreciation. "This is some good stuff," she said. "Unicorn, mare, the magic tingles my tongue just right." She attacked the bag again.

"You can taste the magic?"

"Yeah, comes with the curse, I guess," she interrupted herself to take another swig, "being a bit more impervious to magic than normal ponies. It's perk number five of being.... a.... what I am.”

Almost two years had passed since she had been turned, but she still disliked referring to herself as a 'vampony'. Redheart couldn't figure out why. After all, being a vampony was now as much a part of her as her own cutie mark. Ah, well. She cleared her throat. "Oh, yes, before I forget. Some ponies were in here looking for vamponies."

Berry Punch froze, eyes darting to Redheart, bag still halfway in her mouth. She swallowed nervously.

"They didn't suspect you, at all. And I told them vamponies didn't exist, anyway."

"Thank you," Berry Punch said appreciatively, as she took another gulp.

Redheart paused for a quick beat. "They suspected me."

Redheart had timed it just right. Blood spurted out of Berry Punch's nose and mouth as she burst out in uncontrollable laughing mid-swallow.

"You?" she gasped, when finally able to control her laughing spell. She wiped the blood off with a forehoof. "A vampony being a nurse? Surrounded by bleeding, injured ponies? That's ridiculous!"

Redheart tried to look offended, but she was so amused at the situation (and Berry's laughing fit) that it was hard. "It's not funny! I had to roll over and expose my underbelly to the sun! Do you know how awkward that was for me?"

Berry winced; Redheart wasn't sure if it was because she shared in Redheart's shame, or because she knew that, were she to do that, her overly sensitive skin would blister in seconds.

"Another?" Redheart offered.

"Yes, please." Berry Punch accepted the offered bag and ripped off the top again, and drank deeply. She moaned in flavor ecstasy. "This is Big Mac, for sure.... Thick, earthy, sweet apple flavored, almost syrupy....” She looked at the bag wistfully. “Too bad me and him didn't work out...."

"I'm impressed you can tell ponies apart by their blood," Redheart said. 'Disturbed' might have been the more accurate term, but hey. Professionalism.

Berry Punch shrugged as she took another drink. "Earth ponies have a more earthy flavor, a bit thicker. Pegasi have more oxygen from always being in the air and it's a bit bubblier. Not as good as the hard Apple cider, though," she cracked, with a wink at Nurse Redheart.

"So you're still going to keep up the drunken facade?" Redheart asked.

Berry Punch sighed dejectedly as she licked the blood off her own lips. "Yesh, of coursh.... I mean, yes. First off, alcohol hides the blood smell rather well. Secondly, and more importantly, I would rather my daughter think I'm an irresponsible mother than.... know that I'm.... a monster.... Which I am, of course." She took another drink, finishing most of the bag, and then paused, becoming serious. "Do you think she knows I love her, Redheart?"

"Oh yes, I dare say she knows," Redheart smiled. "She comes in here too, you know, and we talk sometimes too." Redheart grew a bit more serious. "She really cares and worries about you."

Berry Punch flung the almost empty bag at the trash can in annoyance, not surprised at all when she missed and
not caring about the blood that spurted out all along the floor. "Yeah, 'cause I'm her mother. A normal pony with a little drinking problem. If she finds out about what I am, though, her heart is gone from me forever."

Redheart picked up the empty bag with her magic, placed it gently in the biohazard bag, and with a quick spell, separated the blood splatters from the floor. She once again felt a tinge of gratitude that her office didn't have carpet. "I doubt that. You'll never know unless you try talking to her about it."

"Then I guess I'll never know," Berry Punch growled with finality.

Redheart sighed, but didn't press the issue further. "One more round?" she asked.

"Nah, that should be good for now.” Berry slid off the couch and gave Redheart a hug. “Thank you so much again."

There's professionalism, and then there's being real. Redheart returned the hug.

* * *

“Ruby!” Berry called. “Time to go! I'll be good this week now.”

Ruby Pinch knocked over her little tower of blocks and ran up to Redheart. “Thanks for helping,” she said, nuzzling the older mare thankfully.

Redheart smiled. “You know I'll always be here to help, no matter how long it takes.”

"What if it's for forever?" Ruby asked.

Redheart leaned down to meet the filly's eyes. "Then I'll help her forever."

“Forever,” Berry Punch silently repeated.

Forever.

Forever....