I met a god today.
He was not a kindly god. He was not a caring god.
He was capricious, cruel, and whimsical, just the way gods are supposed to be.
Although I knew all that even beforehand, of course, which makes my astonishment over the fact that he was reformed by Fluttershy, of all ponies, even greater.
Well, I don't actually know her that well—what with her being a nebbish wallflower and all—but still,the fact that he was reformed at all is surprising enough.
Although she doesn't use the execrable insult that is my given name, like everypony else does, no matter how many times I correct them, so that's a big point in her favor.
In any case, it had already been a couple of weeks that I was planning on visiting her home—not for anything so insipid as a social visit, of course; ever since I'd heard of how the great Discord had been brought down by the power of 'Friendship', I'd thought to myself: what advantages being his 'friend' could entail me?
Yes, being friends with the entity that defeated Celestia was an... appealing idea.
I could get knowledge, influence, power, I could even become a god myself!
Which is, naturally, why my morning ended up in manure.
I had gone to Fluttershy's cottage armed with a good deal of patience, and I'd made sure to avoid spooking the twitchy mare, exchanging pleasantries, such as "Oh, is this your rabbit? Why, he looks positively radiant!" I said, to a grumpy ball of fur and bad attitude. "And I can see that you've trained your ducks extremely well, they're so disciplined!" and so on and so forth.
I may be a bit out of practice, but I can still make a mare blush when I want to.
Gods, but how I hate animals.
Anyway, I'd started breaching the topic with her with "You know, I've actually come because, well, I've heard about what happened with Discord a while back, and well, considering how he's a nice guy and all, well, I was thinking of getting to know him better, you know, perhaps in a week or two, an-" when her whole face lit up.
"Mr. Rich! Oh my goodness, would you believe you're the first person to say that? This is great news! I've got to introduce you immediately!"
And then, smiling so hard I could hear her jaw creak, she hugged me.
Me.
The pony who'd just said he wanted to be in the company of the most dangerous thing on this continent.
Sometimes I just don't get ponies.
She led me inside, babbling all the way (where was the shy, reticent mare I'd initially met? Who knows) and I soon discovered a slight flaw in my plan.
Discord himself, of course. He was standing on the head of a pin in the living room, cheerfully eating a Fabergé chicken, when his eyes caught sight of me.
"Why, Stuttercry, you've brought guests! Well, A guest. What a wondrous day! Are we going to have an awkward conversation over who the teakettle spat on, like the last time, or is he going to try and seduce you?"
Fluttershy turned bright red, meeped, and then said something almost inaudible: "Um no he just wants to meet you".
What happened afterward is not something I am proud of.
It is one thing to plan, to see an opportunity, and to tell yourself that it is the best thing you could possibly do, and that it's surely worth the risk.
It's quite another to actually do it.
Of course it wasn't my fault—I'd been practically raised on stories about The Great Serpent, the Adversary, the bringer of chaos, and the snuffer of reason.
But still. I'm supposed to be better than a regular pony. And the way I acted... still angers me.
I put on my biggest, fakest, most transparent smile, stuck out my hoof without even thinking of what my body language was saying, and said, my voice cracking like the precious china just before my divorce:
"HI! DO YOU WANNA BE MY FRIEND!"
And then I stood there, my leg in the air, sweating ice cubes.
I can at least take pride in the fact that I flabbergasted the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony himself, at least for a couple of seconds.
Oh, and Fluttershy was quite surprised, as well.
And then Discord smiled, and I knew I was screwed.
"What did you say our dear guest's name was, Fluttershy?" he said disrespectfully to the owner of the cottage.
Said owner, meanwhile, was looking at me like I'd grown a second head, never mind the fact that Discord had actually just done so and was using both of them to examine me.
"Um, his name is Filthy-actually, he prefers to go by his last name, so that's Mr. Rich, and, you see, he's my neighbor, I actually bought the house from him" I still remember that transaction, I'd made a profit of nearly 300 %. "And he said he wants to know you better, but..."
She looked at me quizzically, perhaps not fully believing I'd managed to make such a complete mule out of myself in such a short span of time.
Discord, meanwhile, was coiling himself around me, and I thought I could hear the part of him that was lion purring.
"Oh, don't be so harsh on him, I'm sure that he's just, you know, shy... and there just so many perfectly valid reasons why he'd want to be my friend!"
"It could be because I'm dashing" he said, with a pith helmet on his head.
"It could be because I'm handsome" he said, sporting a manecut I'd last seen on Prince Blueblood.
"It could be because I'm funny" he said, in full funeral attire, while the birds outside started singing a dirge.
His sense of bathos seemed strong, at least.
"But in any case, I'm sure it's for a completely good and admirable reason, since all of you goody-four-shoes ponies think that friendship trumps everything. Why, no self-respecting pony could ever even think of sullying the ideals on which his nation is founded, all for completely selfish and heinous reasons."
"So, what is it, buster? Why do you want to be my friend?"
I turned tail and ran.
… …. .- -- .
On the way back to my supermarket, my brain tried to tell me that the whole thing would never have worked anyway, oh, and that those grapes were probably incredibly sour, too.
So you could tell I was already in a pretty bad mood.
When I got in, I saw the entire liquor aisle pooling in a mixture of broken glass and broken promises on the floor, with my newest hire standing right over.
She was a gray pegasus mare, whom I'd hired on a provisional basis because she was willing to work for less per hour than any of the other applicants—something about really, really needing the job, I think.
She was also cross-eyed, which meant she had no depth perception.
Which, in turn, meant that this was the third stack of merchandise she'd knocked over in the two days since she'd started working in my store.
Which, also in turn, meant that all the profit I was making by paying her so little was forfeit and void, and that by keeping her in my employ I was actually incurring in a net loss.
And then, when she heard me enter, she looked up, made a tremulous smile, and said: "Heh heh... I just don't know what went wrong?"
I am not proud of what I did afterward.
I wish I'd started yelling at her, berating her at the top of my lungs, hitting and hurting her, like the monster I already know I am.
Instead, I did something far worse.
I smiled.
"Good morning, Derpy Hooves. It looks like you've just destroyed... half the wine section, at a first glance—my goodness, the expensive stuff, too!-all of the hard liquor, and most of the cider department."
"But I'm obviously mistaken. After all, last time something like this happened, you swore that you'd be more careful in the future, that you would ask for somepony's assistance when handling delicate things. And that that was the absolute last time something like this would happen. And I trusted you. I thought to myself: there's absolutely no way that such a sweet, kindly mare would repay my generosity by lying to me, right?"
By this point, Derpy was looking miserable, which made me happy.
"You know, my good ole friend Silver Tongue actually advised me not to hire you? He said that you were a stupid, shortsighted, and dim kind of pony."
This wasn't, strictly speaking, true, but I had faith he'd corroborate my version of events.
"No! I'm not stupid!" said the imbecile, in a shrill tone of voice.
"Oh yeah? Then, exactly, why didn't you think before moving so close to a shelf full of expensive, fragile stock? Why didn't you move more slowly, like everypony has told you to, so you could avoid precisely this kind of thing?"
And then she did something that really sent me over the edge.
"No, you don't get to cry, you useless sack of filth!!"
I screamed, towering over her.
"Do you realize that because of what you did, you've effectively robbed me?! That now, everypony else will have to work overtime to clean up your mess?! Do you understand how horrible you've just been to the one guy who gave you a second chance?! Do you understand that?!"
She turned tail and ran.
I could feel the eyes of my other employees on me while I was panting.
"I wasn't kidding. Thanks to what she did, we'll have to work overtime, except now it's going to take even longer because apparently Princess Derpy is too good to help others fix what she has broken."
Saying that “we” all had to do overtime was a small stroke of genius on my part; this way, my subordinates would all unite on my side, without focusing on their attention on me. I could already hear them grumbling about how yeah, the new girl was a pain to work with, and so on.
Painting her getting overwhelmed because she was weak as actually being snobbery instead of being ashamed of herself was a nice touch, too.
I went and manned an empty register.
… …. .- -- .
Two hours and a depressing sandwich later, my store was back in pristine conditions and fully stocked again, and it was time to pick up my daughter from school.
This... this made me sad.
Even before the divorce she was a problem child, but now...
She'd cry a tantrum over the smallest of things, and she wouldn't relent no matter how many times I said “no”.
And... over the times, I'd started to hate her.
This terrified me.
This made me feel bad.
This was why I got to the school ten minutes late.
Waiting for me, besides my daughter, was the schoolteacher.
Oh gods, what had she done now?
"Filthy? I'd like a moment of your time to discuss Diamond Tiara's behavior with you."
I sighed, and shot a dirty look at the fruit of my loins.
She didn't even change expression.
"Very well, lead the way to your office. Oh, and I'd appreciate being addressed as “Rich”, thank you."
Her office was actually a sparse teacher's lounge, but it served its function as we discussed while Diamond waited outside.
"Filthy, this is the third time this week that I've caught her bullying my other students! If this doesn't change soon, I'm going to be forced to expel her!"
I exhaled a shuddering breath.
"... well, from the way you presented it it was just some name calli-"
"Applebloom was in TEARS, Filthy!"
So that's one thing she gets from her old man, apparently.
"It's Rich. And... honestly, Cherrilee, what do you want me to do? Since Suri walked out on us, she keeps blaming me for everything, and punishing her only makes things worse. And when Suri does come and visit her, she gives her these absurd, elaborate presents, which only make things even more worse, and then"
I stopped myself.
Cherrilee was looking at me with pity in her eyes.
I felt myself blushing.
"Filthy... I'm sorry, but I have to think of all my students, not just one in particular. If you want, I can refer you to a family counselor, but..."
I mumbled something under my breath-
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"that I'd appreciate that. Could you give me a business card?"
She did so, and I shamefully accepted it, trying to swallow the realization that I was such a horrible parent I needed outside help in raising my own kid.
As soon as I got out, I smacked the brat upside the head, making her tiara fly.
We spent the rest of the trip home in silence, neither of us making eye contact.
… …. .- -- .
After sending her to her room with promises of a spanking in due time, I decided to visit Sweet Apple Acres.
These were run by the Apple family, of whom I was a longstanding friend and who were business associates of my company.
It would be hard for me to overstate how important their relationship to me was.
So of course that stupid twat who called herself my daughter had to go and bully the youngest member of their family.
The fact that she probably did that specifically because they were important to me wasn't lost on me.
I met Applejack near the outskirts of the farm, while she was busy fixing a fence.
"Erm... Hello, Applejack!"
I straightened my tie, while she paid me no mind.
"I presume you've heard about the... incident between Diamond and Applebloom, and I would like to say that I am here with the express intention of presenting my sincerest apologies for her execrable, brutish, and appalling behavior, and that furthermore I"
What she did next made me very happy.
She bucked me full on in the chest without warning.
"Stop using yer fancy words, Filthy. We both know yer powerful sorry 'bout what happened, but there ain't much ya could do about it, and speakin' like you ate a dictionary ain't gonna help."
I started laughing while she helped me up.
"Oh, jezz... I really needed that, didn't I?" I said, wiping a tear of mirth.
"Ah dunno, you were soundin' like a lawyer back there, and considering we've known each other fer more than twenty years..." a ghost of a smile settled on her features.
"I was laying it on thick yeah, wasn't I? But... I am sorry, and I wish I had more than just apologies to bring you."
She settled back down, hammering nails into a post.
"It's yer family and yer business, Filthy, and it's not my place to tell you what to do."
"Rich", I corrected out of habit.
The silence started to stretch uncomfortably between us.
"How do you do it, Applejack?"
"Beg yer pardon?"
"When your parents died, Applebloom was just four years old. Ever since then, you've been the one raising her." My business partner swallowed nervously. Oops.
"And... she's growing into a fine young filly. While my own is a... something that makes me ashamed to think about. How do you do it?"
The silence stretched again, but this time it had the feel of a rubber chicken, instead of a hangman's noose.
"It's... talking, ah suppose."
"I beg your pardon?"
Applejack moved around to face me, the fence temporarily forgotten.
"Me an' Bloom... Ah always made time fer her, ah suppose, but it's also how you spend that time, that counts."
I leaned forward.
"Ah... ah've always made sure she could talk with me about anything" she swallowed again "And ah'm not saying that... sometimes it was hard, but it's also... you know how you ask her what happened today, and she says 'nothing' and that's it?"
"Unfortunately, yeah."
"When that happens, ah make sure to ask her again, and this time ah tell her to tell me even if she thinks it don't interest me. Or, when she came back after school today" she shot me a look as dirty as her pigs "Ah asked her why it bothered her what Diamond said, and ah didn't start the conversation by telling her what to do or how to do it."
She scratched her chin in contemplation.
"Come to think of it, ah did the same thing when she was little, when ah explained to her that Ma and Pa died" her breath hitched "and ah did mah best to explain it in a way she could understand, instead of takin' the easy way out and feeding her some hogwash 'bout how they were just on a vacation or somesuch, the way most everypony else wanted me to."
I looked at Sweet Apple Acres again. The way the leaves were colored, in shades of red and brown and yellow was breathtaking.
I took a deep breath.
"Thank you, Applejack. That was... surp—very helpful. I owe you one, and I'll keep what you said in mind. Do you... if you want, I could pay a bit more for the next shipment of Zap Apple jam, it's more than"
She laughed, gently mocking me. For once, I didn't really mind.
"Stop being silly and go back home, Fil. It's probably fer the best."
Huh. Fil. Guess I could get used to that.
"You're right, thanks again, Applejack."
The sound of a hammer on nails accompanied my thoughts back home.
…. --- .--. .
When I did get home, a timid pegasus was waiting for me.
I swallowed.
"Hum, hello Mr. Rich! I'm sorry today was so awful, but I've talked with Discord, and he promised—I think—that he's going to be more considerate and not so, well, very scary like a dragon, and if you could give him another chance I'd be grateful!"
She looked at me with a paper thin smile and hope in her eyes.
I was floored. The day had just started to come around, too. Then something she said caught my mind.
"Wait, scared? How did you guess I was scared?" I said, slightly incensed.
"You did run away in the middle of a conversation."
Oh. Right.
"But it's also..." she tapped her front hooves together. "I could see you were forcing it."
I raised an eyebrow.
"Most ponies... even my friends... they're terrified of Discord. But... they don't run away from him. They get angry, they get suspicious, they want him to go far way... and they're actually right to do so, most of the times, sometimes! They are good ponies!"
"But you... you froze, like a scared deer. And you said you wanted to be his friend... you wanted to be there, with him."
"And I thought... of when I went singing around with the Pony Tones, and the fact I wanted to be there, but I was also afraid of ponies looking at me, and..."
I put a hoof on her shoulder.
"You're right. Let's go to your house, I'll explain more there, with Discord. And... thank you. Again."
She beamed at me.
-.-. …. .- -. --. -
Discord was just as terrifying as I remembered.
"So, dearest Shutterfly tells me I should apologize to you, that I wasn't being “neighborly”, and that running away while I'm talking to you is completely normal."
Fluttershy blushed.
"Buuut... you still haven't told me why, exactly, you want to be my “friend”."
Discord leaned over, showing plenty of teeth.
"Self interest, mostly."
Fluttershy's jaw dropped, and Discord blinked.
"What, did you really think I liked you that much? When you were released, with a snap of your fingers you made everypony miserable. Even now, the first pony you think about is yourself, and you see everything in terms of that."
Discord frowned, but all my limbs were still in place and I was still in my own skin, so I kept talking.
"Most ponies don't really get that, since it's kind of alien to their way of thinking. But I... I think in the exact same way you do."
"I don't really... like, other ponies. Or at least I don't think I do. I see most social interaction as being a way to lie to each other without admitting it to ourselves."
"Wherever I go, people call me by my given name, they call me Filthy, because they're envious and they hate me."
Discord raised a brow.
"And Tartarus, if I could get the chance to become a draconequus myself, and have the world at my fingertips, all for the price of getting to know you better, helping you when you're down, and being your buddy? I'd be a fool not to try."
Discord opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again.
"I... can't do that. It's embarrassing, but... I can't make ponies into draconequi. It's not in my power. Sorry."
Fluttershy, and several other small woodland creatures, gasped.
And then Filthy Rich threw back his head and laughed.
"Heh heh heh" he wiped a tear of mirth out of his eye with a finger "I suppose I should've expected that. It's... funny, isn't it?"
Discord smiled wryly.
"Yeah, just like my old tricks when I got loose."
Filthy looked outside the window, at the sun shining bright and scared.
"But you know what? My offer still stands. Do you wanna be my friend anyway, even if you can't give me anything I value?"
This time it was Discord's turn to have his jaw drop.
"But... but..."
"C'mon, we can go bowling! I'm friends with the owner—he owes me money, actually, which kinda makes him my friend, right? So we can't even be kicked out!"
Discord looked at Fluttershy hesitantly. She, in the meantime, was white as a sheet and just as helpful.
"Hum... yeah, yeah, I'd like that. You sure you don't feel any different?"
Filthy looked himself over, hovering slightly to get a better view.
"No, not really. Why?"
"Just wondering. So, Tuesday night for bowling is okay?"
Filthy nodded.
"Yeah, that sounds right. See ya soon!"
And then he was gone in a flash.
..-. ..- -.
Filthy Rich hummed to himself ,wondering why so many ponies were screaming and running away for no reason.
It was probably tax season.
In any case, he soon got to the house he wanted, and ringed the bell smoothly.
A scared pegasus mare peeked out the door.
"Oh! Um, Mr Rich? W—why are you here?" she then stopped, quizzically "and did you get a haircut?"
"Good evening to you too, Miss Hooves. And no, I didn't change my coiffure at all today" Filthy patted the top of his head perplexedly, smoothing the hair between his horns.
"I... just had the opportunity to think over my actions this morning, and I understand that it may have looked as if I was firing you. I wanted to assure that I did not, and that I am indeed expecting you to turn in, tomorrow morning."
At this, Derpy's face brightened up immediately, and she moved to hug Filthy while thanking him excessively.
He stopped her with an outstretched palm.
"This, however, doesn't mean you're off the hook. I'm not gonna give you a pay cut for running off while I was reprimanding you, but you still destroyed a good deal of merchandise, with, yes, your clumsiness, and I do expect you to pay for it."
Her good cheer instantly evaporated like methanol in the sun.
"But... I..."
"You won't have to pay me immediately, we can work a payment plan later. And I'm feeling generous today, so I can tell you I won't charge interest. But still."
Filthy adjusted his long, sinuous frame on the mailbox, so he could more easily rest on it.
"Not everypony is made equal. There are limits each of us have, and the first step to overcoming them is finding out that they are there. And since we don't know about them, by definition, we have to ask others to point them out for us."
Derpy bit her lip.
"Um... I'm not sure I understand..."
Filthy sighed. "if you know that a lot of stuff breaks around you, ask others why, and if there's a way to prevent it, like moving more slowly and learning to suppress your reflexes. If you know your daughter is a bully, ask your friends for advice, and try to read between the lines of what her teacher's saying."
"Oh! Ok, um, thank you." Derpy looked at her boss awkwardly "Would you like to stay for dinner? We're having cupcakes!"
"I'm afraid I shouldn't waste any more time. There's something I've been putting off for far too long, and I should go do it."
"Ok. Goodbye then, and good luck!"
Derpy waved at him, while he started trudging back home.
"Diamond Tiara? We need to talk."
