An Epistolary Legal Consultation Between Princesses

Chapters

Chapter 2: Guard Detail
Chapter 3: Appearances ...
Chapter 5: Motives ...
Chapter 1: An Exchange of Letters
Chapter 4: ... Can Be Deceiving

Chapter 2: Guard Detail

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I found out that some males have very poor impulse control, some beings cannot be reached by kindness, and our prisoner found out why one should not mistake kindness for vulnerability.

After an incident including maniacal shouting, demands for certain specialized items of Griffon cuisine unlikely to be available at a mere county jail, and a demonstration of the fact that the Human species appears to be very good at converting small objects into improvised missile weapons, Mayor Ivory Scroll Mare and Constable Turnkey both intimated to me that it would be a good practice of my Royal responsibilities for myself to arrange assistance in guarding the prisoner, Charlie Yu. This request seemed reasonable and necessary: as you mentioned in your previous missive, we are used to dealing with monsters much more dangerous than is Charlie Yu, but he might pose some threat of harm to the ordinary townsponies.

My friends and I held an impromptu meeting at the library and arranged a watch schedule. With eight of us on this (Spike and Big Mac both volunteered to assist), we reasoned that this would be no problem for a week or so. We arranged four-hour shifts,

The actual guard duty was not onerous, though it was at times annoying. Spike took first graveyard shift. He brought a stack of comic books and some paper with him -- I think he's writing his own adventures for some of the characters. He won't let me see it until he has the final draft done. Spike wants to be a writer -- that makes me happy.

Spike said that the prisoner gave him no problems. Yu tried to annoy him once or twice but was easily controllable when Spike "looked scary." When I asked Spike what he meant by that, Spike growled and let a little greenish steam seep out from the corners of his mouth. My little brother is growing up. And yes, I suppose if I was someone Spike disliked, I would have found that "scary."

It was my turn next. I brought both a professional tome and some lighter reading, in case Yu was too annoying to focus on any more complex work. I had already revised my schedule to account for the guard duty, which was not too difficult though I knew I would have to go over with it again in detail with Spike later in the day. One can never be too organized, after all.

As I expected, the prisoner attempted to engage me in conversation. At first, this largely consisted of a protracted attempted self-exculpation centered on the claim that he was "hard up" and that he had been just rejected by "the last Pony he would ever have a chance with" when he ran into Miss Hooves.

This provoked my curiosity, so I asked him why he had assumed that Pinkie Pie was "the last Pony with whom he would ever have a chance" (I hate dangling prepositions).

Charlie Yu explained to me that back in his world, he had not been remarkably successful with Human females, having had only a few brief romantic relationships with them, always ending in the "woman" (lit. "man" short for "Human," "wife of man" eliding to "woman" in his native tongue) terminating the courtship after at most a few weeks, and refusing to even remain his friend. As he claimed that all these encounters had included actual sex, I was struck both by the implicit promiscuity of his culture -- it sounded like something one would see mostly amongst the Lone-Mad in our own species -- and by Yu's evident inability to get along with the females of his kind, since these courtships were ultimately unsuccessful, resulting in neither marriage nor foals.

I asked him whether or not all these females had been willing, and he said "Yes," though he added that in one case both of them had been "wasted" on some combination of alcohol and other substances. Apparently in this case there had been no further courtship, though the woman involved had not actually been hostile to him afterward. (This demonstrates a lack of inhibition on his part against diminished-consent sexual conduct, though in this case his capacity to consent would also have been diminished, and the female's lack of resentment could be taken as retroactive consent).

I then asked him why he considered Pinkie Pie his only chance for courtship in Equestria, pointing out to him that Equestria had a population of 83.2 million Ponies at last census, of whom 54.7 million were mares, and some millions of these mares unattached. Thus, logically, even granted Charlie's unusual species (and, I did not add out loud to him, low intelligence and unpleasant disposition), the chances were that there would have been a special somepony for him too, if he merely kept looking for one.

He explained that when he had approached other mares in Ponyville, they had seemed nervous and unwilling to engage him in conversation. "Some of them looked at me like I was some kind of freak or monster," he specified, "just because I was looking at them." His eyes shifted, and I noticed that he was now inspecting a part of my anatomy which was not my face.

Turning so as to ensure that I was facing Yu directly and standing in the most decent imaginable posture, I pointed out to him that it's considered impolite in our culture for a Pony to stare at another Pony's more private anatomical features, and asked him if matters were different in the land from which he originated.

He admitted that it was considered rude to stare at a woman's "tits" (from my experience in humanoid form, I am fairly certain he meant a twin pair of udders over the rib-cage, rather than the actual nipples) or "ass" (humanoids have relatively large buttocks). Both are apparently highly erogenous zones among his kind, which makes me aware of a social error I must have been committing in my attempt to dance in that form -- but that is neither here nor there.

Then he added, "But you Ponies should talk! You trot around town naked all the time! How can I help but steal sideways glances as mares walk by?"

I thought about this. I remembered that in the humanoid world I visited, everyone was constantly and completely attired, displaying only their faces, forelegs, and hind legs (and only the lower portions of these) to others. When I had asked about this, their Rarity -- who, like our Rarity, was an expert on social presentation -- had informed me that to uncover other parts of one's anatomy would be "indecent" and "give boys the wrong ideas" about oneself.

Was I now hearing that same attitude from a humanoid of the other sex? Among our species, of course, nudity is entirely innocent; it is the clothing one chooses to wear that is considered seductive. What is more, the humanoids among whom I had walked were furred, though much more lightly than ourselves; by contrast Charlie Yu's species appeared to have almost entirely lost their coats, retaining only an abbreviated mane, a patch on the lower belly and very light down over the rest of the body.

"How was I supposed to deal with that? Every day I could see what my body cried out for!"

This sounded like something with which I was familiar.

"Are you saying," I asked him slowly, "that you respond to us, all the time, as if we are in unsuppressed estrus?"

He looked at me blankly. I had to explain to him the basics of our biology: specifically, that mares go into estrus once every 21 days, and that during that period, unless we suppress or mask our odors, stallions become inappropriately aroused and prone to various emotional excesses. In primal days, this probably induced immediate mating: now that we are civilized sapients, of course, we act more decently toward one another, and mares are careful how they behave when estrus arrives.

I was a little surprised that, after living among us for three-quarters of a year, he had somehow managed to miss such a fundamental fact about our species, but then I remembered that he was neither particularly intelligent nor perceptive -- and I also remembered that, in humanoid form, I had myself been mostly anosmiac. Of course it is considered impolite for mares to speak of such matters to strange stallions -- everypony knew Charlie Yu to be male -- and the stallion with whom he had the most social experience, Macintosh Apple, is a remarkably taciturn Pony.

"It sent vigor through my extremities, amassing a pressure that I could never release!" he cried.

I understood him well enough, despite the unusual wording of this declaration. Renewing the translation spell, which may have been starting to wear off, I informed him that the details constituted excessive information about the state of his "extremities," but that I did understand that he meant that he was sexually frustrated.

"How could you understand that?" he asked me. "You're a Princess, you have everypony kissing your hooves! You probably have a whole harem of stallions back in your library!"

I reminded him that we were talking about his condition, not my own, and added parenthetically that I am not a polyandrist. He looked blankly at me, and I steered the conversation back to his own motivations.

"So you're saying," I asked him, "that you were essentially in rut when you encountered Miss Hooves?"

Again his stare was uncomprehending.

"Priapic." No response. "Aroused." Still no response. I sighed, and descended to his level. "Horny?"

"Yes!" he said. "I sure am! Can you ... ?"

"No," I said firmly. I backed away a step, nervous despite my own powers and the presence of the bars between us, and informed him that such a tryst was most definitely undesired on my own part, and hence its occurrence was distinctly improbable. He seemed disappointed.

Meanwhile I was musing upon .the information that he had, however rudely and ineptly, managed to convey to me.

I find this somewhat embarassing to relate, but I consider it necessary to an analysis of this case. So I shall, and hope that this does not cause either of you to lose any respect for me.

During the days I spent in humanoid form, I was emotionally in protracted estrus (while there I found out from their library that they had their own estrus-like cycle, which I was fortunate enough not to directly experience, during which the emotional effects were even more extreme). I found myself almost constantly eyeing the humanoid stallions, and speculating about the possibilities of courting them, despite the fact that I was always aware that as I would be soon returning to our own world, such courtship would be completely pointless. It was as if there was a very primitive part of me that didn't care, that just wanted to mate, regardless of the long-term emotional consequences. This was quite unlike my normal nature, and it greatly disturbed me.

I think that humanoids are in general much more sexual beings than are ourselves, and they are essentially in a constant state of rut or estrus. If this is how they feel all the time, I'm surprised that the school I visited wasn't one continuous love scene, like a badly-written romance novel. To them, of course, this would be normal, and in order to maintain a decent civilization they would learn to repress these desires in most situations, just as do stallions and mares in Equestria even if the mare forgets to take her suppressors. But I think that this goes a long way toward explaining the constant obsession with complete attire -- it ~~would have been very distracting to me~~ must be very distracting for them to see each other's genitalia, even briefly.

I do not like to excuse Charlie's conduct. In fact I do not believe that this does excuse his conduct -- he was still a sapient being, and could have chosen to over-ride his primal impulses. I did nothing too improper when I was in humanoid form. But then I only had to endure it for a few days -- Charlie has been among us for eight months. In addition, I am intelligent and self-controlled; Charlie is stupid and impulsive.

I can now understand his motivation for mounting Miss Hooves. Though I still cannot understand why he chose to be so cruel to her afterward. He had in fact achieved his ostensible goal -- he had mated, and more to the point, he had a mare-friend. Why did he then publicly reject and insult her? Had he not done so, there would have been no legal action against him, even had what he originally did been technically considered rape, since Derpy Hooves herself would have been his loving friend rather than bitter victim.

Is this something humanoid, or is it male? The humanoid analogue of Flash Sentry was a nice colt -- I couldn't see him behaving in such a fashion. And I am certain that neither Shining Armor nor Spike would treat a mare so cruelly. I feel unqualified to understand this matter, as my experience of males in general has been very limited -- the only stallion I know at all well aside from my big brother is Big Mac, and he's an extremely decent Pony. Do our stallions ever act like this?

I hope not, but a certain nagging pessimism makes me wonder if such malice is more prevalent than I imagine.

I told Charlie Yu that it was still wrong to force sex upon a mare, no matter how frustrated he felt, and the conversation ended.

The next two to stand guard duty were Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, who expressed a desire to pull the duty together (and their own attitudes tend to balance out each other's, so I considered the pairing wise).

Rainbow Dash told me that she was mostly past the initial phase of anger that had led her to almost attack the prisoner upon his initial arrest, and that I could trust her to be "cool" to him (she meant by this formulation "pleasant" rather than "callous"). Fluttershy said that she thought he couldn't be much worse than a "cranky bear," which did not exactly give me confidence regardless of which way one took it, but then Fluttershy is much better at protecting herself than one would imagine at first. Their reports on this experience are inserted here.

Rainbow Dash - Watching one lame spindly-legged biped was nothing compared to some of the really awesome things I've done. Did I ever tell you about the time I ...

(Twilight:Her report here digresses into a prolonged anecdote about high-speed precision cloud-flying, which I judged you wouldn't find all that relevant) ...

Rainbow Dash - Anyway, so whenever he got lippy with me I just snarled at him and gave him my best scary face, to show him I meant business. He got the message.

I was mostly worried that he might try something with Fluttershy, which is why I wanted to be there the whole time she was with him. Fluttershy was all nice to him, like she usually is with anypony in trouble, and she even got him that Griffon thing he wanted -- they call it a "ham burger" though it's not usually made with ham. I once knew someone who really liked them so I knew what it looked and smelled like, so it didn't bother me none. Bird meat, of course -- no way would anypony cook cow around here, but it's still kind of gross to most noses.

This made him happy so he didn't cause any trouble. He only got fresh with me once and he had enough brains not to try to touch me. I would have knocked him into next week if he had. He didn't try anything with Fluttershy either, though I did see him constantly staring at her butt. She either didn't notice or pretended not to, she can be really nice that way, even when someone's acting like a jerk. She's a really cool Pony and she did a really good job with this lame-o.

Fluttershy - Charlie Yu wasn't so bad, and I think that he just went a little crazy, like bears do sometimes in the summer. I think that maybe both Charlie and Derpy were acting a little crazy, or maybe were just getting lonely -- Ponies can do foolish things when they get lonely. He wasn't mean to me, anyway, and I think I made him laugh at least once; he seemed be acting really sweet to me. Maybe he's sorry about what he did and he wants to be a better person from now on.

I made him a burger and told him I'd bring him some flowers to make his cell look nicer. He's done something bad but he should be able to have a nicer cell. He's not all bad.

You all know that I have a very good friend who was once really bad but tries to be better now. I don't think that Charlie Yu can't be reformed.

Twilight - Fluttershy, I'm sorry but I have to leave this in, since it's germane to demonstrating that we made a real effort to treat him kindly. I don't fault you for being kind to him: it's just the way you are -- and we all love you for it. It's just that some creatures are -- not as nice as one of your bear friends.

The next to guard the prisoner were (in order) Applejack and Big Mac. who swapped some chores in order to accomplish their availability. They -- who both knew him well from his previous work on Sweet Apple Acres -- reported that the prisoner spent most of their shifts asleep.

Applejack - I felt a mite sad for Charlie. He seemed right sad about his situation. I made sure he had blankets and a pillow and mostly just watched him sleep.

Big Mac - He wasn't no trouble. Woke up at the end and we talked a bit.

Twilight - The afternoon shifts were Rarity and Pinkie Pie, in that order.

Rarity - I thought that Charlie Yu might appreciate some decoration of his cell, so I brought over some wall hangings I've been working on -- I modeled them on the ones from the old Castle, but of course they looked much nicer with a more modern touch. I ...

Twilight - Her report here become a very long and interesting analysis of the evolution of wall hanging designs starting back with the Old Crystal-Imperial patterns, and the ways in which the Three Tribes and later the Realm adapted these models, and how the modern Equestrian fashions might benefit from a revival of some of the older modes. It's not that relevant to Charlie Yu, but I append it separately for your later persual; it contains some insightful suggestions as to how both the Palace at Canterlot mght be redecorated and the Castle of the Two Royal Pony Sisters be restored.

Rarity - I had Constable Turnkey escort the prisoner to the shower while I went into his cell and performed the redecoration. Turnkey is such a dear, he was quite willing to cooperate with my request! I was not about to go into that cell with Charlie; he's probably not completely evil, but I did notice him examining my anatomy in a rather indelicate and impolite fashion. The hangings took only a few moments to attach; hardly a difficult or protracted task.

I was not pleased by his reaction. He seemed unimpressed by my work, and made no answer to my request for a detailed criticism by saying "Whatever. I could really use a TV. Don't suppose you got one."

Discovering that he meant a sophisticated electronic device, which Twilight tells me is a long-wave electromagnetic receiver with the capacity to produce moving images like those in a movie theatre, I informed him that such devices were nonexistent in Equestria, and also unknown in any other land with which we had commerce. He pronounced this "lame," and became noticeably sullen.

I attempted to engage him in conversation regarding the fashions of his native world, but he was remarkably ignorant on this topic. He mentioned some things about "really short skirts" and "tube tops" and "titty shirts." His drawings of these garments were amateurish, and I don't think any of these items of apparel would work well in Pony anatomical terms. The "high heels" he drew were absurdly elevated, to the point that I imagine they would be positively hazardous to the ability of the unfortunate mare wearing such shoes to walk without risking serious injury to her hind legs.

Is it too much to ask that the next time a random interdimensional gate-thingie opens up it disgorges a being of taste and decorum? I wouldn't even really care if it wasn't equine -- there are some non-equine beings who are capable of considerable culture and refined sentiments, as I have discovered personally amongst my dearest friends. Charlie Yu is ... not ... one of them. He is crude, uncultured and utterly lacking in the graces of civilization.

(added by Rarity a bit later)

... and I wrote this before I knew what was to happen on Pinkie Pie's shift. I do not wish to brag, but I am, quite simply, an excellent judge of character.

I am very sorry, though, that dear Fluttershy was so annoyed by that masher!

Twilight - I find what I must now relate deeply upsetting to set to paper. Nopony was actually hurt, not even Fluttershy, but the poor mare was understandably upset to have her kindness repaid in such a foul manner. I can tell that Charlie disgusted and greatly disappointed her..

I was a little worried about Pinkie Pie taking a shift, because of the extremity of her reaction to Charlie Yu when she first learned of his crime. She promised to me that she wouldn't treat him with any unnecessary violence this time, and even Pinkie Pie Swore to it, an oath which one may accept as a true bond coming from that Daughter of Paradise. I was not, of course, worried that he would hurt Pinkie: she is more than a match for him physically even without her special powers, and his wiles are pretty much nonexistent.

I warned Pinkie Pie of Yu's rather unpleasant sexual obsessions, and she told me that "He'd better not get fresh with me or I'll take him somewhere he won't like!"

I was not sure exactly what she meant by this, and merely pointed out to her that we were supposed to be keeping Charlie Yu in the Ponyville Jail rather than taking him somewhere else, until we received further orders from Canterlot.

"Oh, I'll bring him right back!" Pinkie assured me, giving me a laugh which was nastier than any of which I had believed her capable. It rather reminded me of her Discorded state, and worried me. But a moment later she went back to being her normal cheerful Pink self.

I wonder if this is a reaction of the Paradise entity, influencing Pinkie's own behavior? If I understand its original enchantments correctly, its most fundamental purpose is to protect Ponies, and Derpy Hooves is -- and Charlie Yu isn't -- a Pony. Paradise has never been at all malign before, so I don't think it will impel her to do him real harm. And she's never had any problem with Spike, nor to or any other non-Pony who wasn't actually attacking us -- though I remember she had problems with Zecora when we first met her. Pinkie was one of the most hostile ones then, until Zecora proved herself to be friendly.

Pinkie Pie is the friendliest Pony I've ever met. She was even friendly to Charlie until he actually confessed to attacking Derpy. So my fears seem absurd. I love Pinkie Pie. She's no monster.

I just wish I could talk to Granny Pie about this. She knows more about Paradise and Pinkie Pie than anypony. She could explain to me what was going on.

My misgivings led me to keep Pinkie company during the first part of her shift. Nothing untoward happened, and I'd missed lunch, so I went to get some hayburgers. Pinkie, for her part, had spent most of the shift drinking cup after cup of coffee and working her way through an immense stack of pastries from Sugarcube Corner.

I want to re-tell this in my own words because Pinkie's formulation is a bit incoherent. I'll send along the originals too, later.

Now alone with Charlie Yu, Pinkie Pie experienced no difficulties in guarding him, nor did she take him on any extra-dimensional excursions. He appears to have attempted conversation with her but she refused, said "I'm watching you!" and glared at him until he was unable to meet her gaze.

Around this point the High Lady Fluttershy arrived, bearing a vase of flowers and a bag of snacks she had made for Charlie. She expressed admiration for Rarity's previous decorative work, and stated her opinion that the flowers would look nice on his night-table. She asked Pinkie to let her into Charlie's cell in order to set up the flowers and give him the snacks.

Pinkie Pie expressed some trepidation, reminding Fluttershy that Charlie was a "really mean meanie," but Fluttershy assured her that she knew Charlie wasn't really that bad, and wouldn't try anything. She attempted to gentle Charlie with what I could tell from Pinkie's description was mild tele-empathy, such as I have seen her employ on many beasts and monsters during the time I have known Fluttershy.

This usually works.

An interesting conclusion that may be drawn from what happened next is that tele-empathy cannot reliably control a sapient being, only influence its emotions in a way which may not be entirely predictable. It is also possible that Humans may be especially-resistant to mental powers, especially when weakly applied. Such a resistance would explain some of the tales you told me of The Megan -- though I do not know if Charlie Yu really was of the same species as was the One who saved our ancestors in that dim dawn time, six thousand years ago.

Fluttershy remained in Charlie Yu's cell while Pinkie Pie watched them closely from right outside. Pinkie's abilities meant that, should Charlie somehow manage to overcome Fluttershy (an unlikely outcome), Pinkie could simply manifest in the cell and subdue him with her naturally superior strength. Fluttershy, who despite her self-depreciating manner is well aware of her own strength, agility and psychic powers, assumed that there wasn't much Charlie could do to her anyway. This was her first mistake.

Charlie seemed intimidated by Pinkie's presence, and for a while Fluttershy and Charlie simply conversed. Charlie Yu seemed to be grateful of Fluttershy's sympathetic attention, and poured out a long and self-pitying tale about how nopony had ever really given him a chance, and how much he missed the Internet (a sort of combined communication and research system), TV (already explained by Rarity) and video games (electronic versions of various board, reflex and role-playing games): all diversions popular in his original culture.

I am not sure how much of Charlie's rambling complaint Fluttershy actually understood, as Yu is not the best at explaining complex matters, but her sympathetic demeanor seemed to be soothing the savage Human, and the conversation progressed in an essentially civilized fashion. Fluttershy became increasingly relaxed and trusting with him, as if he were no more dangerous and unpredictable than a large brown bear. This was her second mistake.

Unfortunately, Pinkie Pie's continuous consumption of coffee and cupcakes caught up with her, and she felt an increasing urge to make use of the jail's sanitary facilities. Pinkie Pie told Fluttershy that she should leave Charlie's cell while Pinkie attended to this necessary business, but Fluttershy -- who was in the middle of an involved conversation with the prisoner -- said to Pinkie that Charlie was no problem at all, and that Pinkie should just go to the lavatory.

This was Fluttershy's third mistake.

It is not entirely clear what happened next. For some reason, Fluttershy arose, perhaps to adjust the wall hangings or the vase of flowers. This involved a change of posture, perhaps a swish of her tail to help balance herself as she performed whatever kindly task she was attempting. This must have exposed to Charlie's lustful eyes what was to that Human an overpoweringly-attractive portion of her intimate anatomy. From what Pinkie Pie heard Fluttershy say, Charlie must have seen this as a romantic invitation, and decided that his response should be to disarrange certain parts of his attire, the better to make a timely response to this imagined sexual signal.

This in combination was Fluttershy's fourth mistake, and the only mistake that Charlie needed to make in order to precipitate disaster.

Pinkie Pie reported hearing a shriek from Fluttershy. After what cannot have been more than a matter of seconds, she manifested in the jail cell, apparently emerging from the plumbing in some undefined fashion. There, she beheld an interesting tableau.

Charlie Yu was cowering in utter terror on the floor of his cell, both of his hands engaged in pulling his pants up with such force that it must have occasioned him considerable discomfort. Fluttershy was standing on top of him, giving him her full Stare, at such an intensity that Pinkie Pie said that simply being in the same cell with her made Pinkie's own mind feel "kind of swimmy." Pinkie was able to hear the last words of Fluttershy's geas:

"... and you keep those pants up, Mister, don't pull them down again!"

Charlie either dumbly nodded, or was overcome by such severe terror that his involuntary shaking had produced an equivalent motion. In either case, he was clearly offering no resistance to the enraged Element of Kindness.

Then, Fluttershy became aware of two things. These were the presence of her fascinated Pink audience, and -- oddly enough -- the vase of flowers, which during the brief struggle which had obviously occurred in that small cell had fallen off the table and broken on the floor.

She looked at the flowers, burst into tears, and ran out of the jail cell.

The door had been locked: Fluttershy was somehow able to manifest enough strength (probably through a partial Shift) to rip the metal door right off its hinges. Fortunately, the prisoner was in no emotional state to attempt any flight or other resistance, and Pinkie simply moved him to the other (unoccupied) cell until we could get in a mechanic to repair the broken door.

Pinkie Pie had Constable Turnkey go get help while she continued to watch Charlie in the other prison cell. Turnkey contacted me, and I quickly went to the jail to examine the prisoner.

He appeared unhurt, but he was exuding a foul odor and clearly required a shower and a change of at least the garments over his hindquarters; his fear had evidently been extreme. The first part should have been easy, but when we attempted to take Charlie to the shower, we discovered that he was completely unwilling to remove his pants, clinging to them with such mad determination that I became worried that we might either rip his clothing or injure his fingers should I use the most obvious technique, that of telekinesis.

It was then that Pinkie Pie told me what she had heard Fluttershy say to Charlie, and the nature of our difficulty became evident. Fluttershy had been upset and had not precisely considered the implications of her geas. Charlie would "keep his pants up" regardless of any objective reasons why he might want to pull them down, such as ablution or evacuation.

Going to Fluttershy's house, I found that she had barricaded herself inside and was crying incoherently. I teleported within, but could not calm her enough to get much information from her, save the bare facts that Charlie had indeed made an indecent advance toward her, but thankfully had not gotten very far in this attempt before she overpowered him with both mind and body. I endeavored to convince her that she should return to the jail to remove or at least re-state her geas in terms which would enable Charlie to preform basic hygienic functions, but at the mention of the jail and Charlie she rushed into her bathroom. A few moments later I heard the shower running.

I managed to locate Rarity, whom I felt might be best to talk to Fluttershy on such delicate matters. When I told her what happened, Rarity was understandably upset. When I mentioned the detail of the broken flower vase (one which still puzzles me in regard to Fluttershy's apparent fixation upon it) this had some significance to Rarity.

"Oh." she said. "Oh, dear. This may be difficult."

Rarity refused to explain this further, telling me that this was in regard to something very personal that Fluttershy had confessed privately to herself and which Rarity was fairly certain Fluttershy would not want even myself to know. I respected their confidence and asked only that Rarity persuade Fluttershy to return to the jail and remove the geas.

"That," Rarity said sadly, "may take me some time. But I'll do my best!"

She then packed some cosmetics and clothing, and set off to soothe her friend's injured feelings.

Rarity has since returned to the library, and we completed the above portions of this document. We have still not managed to get Fluttershy to emerge from her home. Rainbow Dash is currently in there with her, consoling Fluttershy in whatever special way of which she is capable. Spike is currently watching the prisoner, who has over the last few hours developed a truly terrible stench. I may have to simply tear Charlie Yu's pants right off him, regardless of his protests, but this would be a last resort as he would then be under the strictures of a literally-impossible geas, which as you know well is dangerous to the subject's sanity.

On top of this I am pretty sure that Fluttershy won't watch the prisoner any more, and it may not be entirely safe to let either Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie continue to watch him. Rainbow Dash is simply furious at Fluttershy's treatment by Charlie Yu; and Pinkie Pie -- it did not escape my notice that Pinkie Pie delayed her entry into that prison cell just long enough for Fluttershy to cast that panicked geas.

Again, I fear that the Paradise entity may be overreacting to Charlie Yu's idiotic aggressions, and I know that Pinkie Pie -- despite her silliness -- is really my match in terms of intelligence. Pinkie Pie is extremely cunning when she wants to be, and a malicious Pinkie Pie is a rather frightening prospect -- at least for the target of that malice. I really think that Charlie Yu would be safer in Canterlot.

I will try to talk with Pinkie Pie to calm her down and get her to desist from harassing Yu. Perhaps if I point out to her that Fluttershy was very upset by what happened? Or would that merely trigger more hostility toward Yu from Paradise?

I must think this over carefully. In the meantime, I am, always and forever

Your Former but Still-Faithful Student,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

====

Dear Princess Luna Selena Nyx,

Unpleasant duties are the price of maturation. A young filly may hide from the wickedness of the world; a grown mare must unblinkingly face up to it; and -- as you and your esteemed sister have both told me -- a Princess must stand between the storm and her little Ponies. Even when that storm is an unpleasant, noisy little squall such as Charlie Yu.

What is the course of honor, of true justice? I feel divided between my loyalty to my friends, and a terrible suspicion that in honesty is growing within me. I have always prided myself on my intelligence, my adherence to pure reason -- but I have feelings like any other Pony. Can I deny them? What is the path of my true duty?

If I seem vague in this missive it is because my own thoughts are still formless. I reflect upon what Charlie attempted with Fluttershy, and how hopeless and foolish was his attempt. I reflect upon what he did to Derpy Hooves, and how he was able to succeed. How was he able to succeed? Logic tells me that there is a clue I have missed in this affair.

I completely agree with you as to Derpy's character. She is a good and honorable Pony, one strong in her determination to do her duty to her Realm and her foal, and one experienced in service to both. She is a Pegasus, and like all Pegasi has received at least some training in the Militia. I have seen Fluttershy fight, and thus I cannot forget that even the gentlest and kindest Pegasi is still a warrior born.

Derpy Hooves delivers mail to the Everfree Forest. I have not previously inquired as to the details of her service, but I have been in that wild wood many times myself, and I know that it is not a domain into which weak fools may venture without consequence. Derpy is not weak, nor is she foolish in matters of survival -- or combat. How was one whom I know to be a weak fool able to overcome her?

I fear that you may not like the answer that is forming in my mind, that you may not like me quite so much, when I have fully foaled it. You were and largely still are Loyalty, that I know well. Yet you were and largely still are Honesty, as well. I hope that -- if my suspicions prove correct -- you still retain the high opinion of me that you have previously expressed.

I, too, hope that we may meet in better circumstances and are able to converse at length upon many matters. You, too are my trusted friend and kindred spirit, and I too hope to know you more closely in the fullness of time. Even had it not been necessary to save all Equestria, the deed of which I would have been gladdest would have been my part in liberating you. A soul as pure and bright as yours was not meant for Shadow.

And even had I neither been who I was, nor known what we had once meant to each other, I would always and forever be happy to count you my friend.

Yours in Friendship, Forever
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Who Was Once Dusk Skyshine

Author's Note

The increasingly-purple prose that Charlie speaks to Twilight Sparkle to describe the ludicrous extent of his sexual frustration is also in fact in "Stuck" -- I just changed the tenses appropriately. Twilight figures that this means that her translation spell is wearing off, so she recasts it. Alas, the translation spell can't make Charlie any smarter -- just more comprehensible. Twilight is not entirely comfortable with comprehending Charlie, but she considers it her duty both to the other Ponies and to Charlie, whom she figures deserves a fair hearing of his case. She finds him personally very repulsive, while having some sympathy for his social isolation.

Twilight is an extremely honorable and highly-intelligent virgin, who has to practice many kinds of self-restraint in order to avoid going all Princess of Mass Destruction in the (relative) World of Cardboard in which she finds herself; trying to grasp the emotional processes of an amoral, stupid, wannabe-promiscuous person who is insanely-impulsive despite living in what might as well be a Death World for him, outside of the protections afforded him by Pony civilization. I think she is able to understand him about as well as can be expected. Were Twilight to become as impulsive and unethical as Charlie, she would go full-blown Nightmare in under a week.

One of the advantages of not being a herd species is that Humans are more resistant to some of the subtler forms of mind control than are the Ponies. Though this can be overcome by strong mind control, such as the full-intensity Stare. Charlie really shouldn't have ticked off Fluttershy. Really, no one who values his life and sanity should tick off Fluttershy -- fortunately, it takes a lot to make her really angry. Charlie here demonstrates that his obnoxiousness exceeds all normal values. And many abnormal ones. Had Charlie gone to the ends of the world with Twilight and Cadance, they would have been very sorely tempted to leave him to play with the Tatzelwurm.

This version of Fluttershy has both Bad Horse's Fluttershy's Night Out and my own Fluttershy Is Free, which between them should suggest both why the sight of the broken flower vase upset her so much, and how she was able to peform a partial shapeshift (I'm assuming her powers have developed further over time).

Sadly for The Megan, Charlie Yu really is of her species. This also counts as a downer for any other members of homo sapiens who may be reading this tale.

Chapter 3: Appearances ...

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I am sorry to hear that guarding Charlie Yu has proved to be such an annoying task. I would have hoped that Yu would have been sobered by his precarious legal and social position, and improved his behavior. It is obvious that he neither appreciates his true situation, nor is able to grasp the fundamental flaw in his approach to mares.

I hope that the High Lady Fluttershy recovers from her shock at Yu's bad behavior. I am very glad that she suffered no worse than a shock from this. I wish that her discovery had been made in a less upsetting manner, but it unfortunately happens to be true that some individuals simply cannot be trusted to not succumb to their character flaws, given anything they perceive as a temptation. The parable of the Scorpion and the Frog applies here:

"There was once a scorpion who desired to cross a river. Spying a frog, the scorpion said to the frog 'Let me ride on your back, sister, so that I might cross.'

"'No,' the frog said. 'If I let you near me you will sting me, and I shall die.'

"'But if I sting you, I will drown and die too,' pointed out the scorpion. 'Thus you are safe from me.'

"The frog realized that this made sense, and agreed. So the scorpion hopped on the frog and the frog stared swimming across the river. Halfway across, the scorpion stung the frog.

"'Why did you do that?' wailed the frog. 'Now we shall both perish!'

"'Ah,' said the scorpion, 'but I am a scorpion. I only acted according to my nature.'

"And they both drowned."

The point of this is that some persons are simply ill-natured, and they will act according to that nature rather than according to what you or I might consider to be their own logical self-interest. Were you or I accused of sexual assault, the last thing we would do in jail would be to sexually-assault one who was attempting to help us, this confirming the suspicions of our accusers. For Yu, who subordinates all other consideration to his irrational sexual lusts, it only made sense to assault Fluttershy, whether because he erroneously thought she would welcome it, or simply seemed vulnerable.

You should always keep this general principle in mind, Twilight. You are a highly intelligent and extremely benevolent Pony, so you might fall into the trap of thinking that all whom you deal with are as intelligent and benevolent as yourself. Beware this assumption! Most are neither, and some are both stupid and malevolent.

Stupidity may indeed cause more problems than malice. For every scheming villain, there are dozens of selfish or even well-meaning fools, who imagine their folly to be wisdom. While one can with a clear conscience smite the villain, one cannot as clearly punish stupidity. If we imprisoned every fool in the Realm, the prisons would be full and the fields and workshops empty. Thus, crimes of stupidity are much harder to judge than crimes of malice.

I would appreciate it if you thought further on this case, and then sent me a final recommendation for action. I have a very high opinion of your reason and your powers of judgement, and will be very strongly influenced in my own decision by your conclusions on this matter. Consider yourself to be temporarily invested with my own legal powers regarding this case. Choose wisely.

Your Former Teacher and Present Colleague,
Princess Celestia Solaria Invicta

P.S. - Twilight, you don't need to concern yourself with Pinkie's motives right now. I know why she did what she did, and I am certain that she has malice neither toward yourself, nor Fluttershy, nor any other Ponies. Neither she nor what she serves is capable of hating Ponies, nor the true friends of Ponykind.

I would recommend that you not place her in further unnecessary contact with Charlie Yu, however. Your conclusions in this matter were very sound, and I commend you for your logical deductive skills regarding that situation.

===
To Pinkamena Diane Pie
and Whatever Else May Read This Through Her Eyes

Pinkamena Diane Pie, and That Which Sired Her, I know what you did. I understand your rage against the despicable Charlie Yu, but he is a suspect in the custody of the Realm of Equestria, which is the rightful representative and servant of the Ponies of Equestria. You are not acting here to protect Ponies, but rather to threaten their sovereignity. And by "theirs" I do not merely mean "mine" -- for I rule by and with the consent of my little Ponies. In attempting to override my rights as Ruling Princess of Equestria, you are also acting against their choice.

Your first law is to harm no Ponies, nor to let them come to harm through inaction. You are attempting to protect them by action, which is commendable, but not only were no Ponies in danger from an imprisoned Charlie Yu, but your method of attempting to protect Ponies hypothetically in danger from an escaped or freed Charlie Yu involved direct harm to the High Lady Fluttershy, who is demonstrably a Pony and entirely the descendant of creatures your memories should classify as Ponies.

Though she was not physically harmed by Charlie Yu, the emotional damage inflicted was serious, and to an already damaged soul. Had he raped her, or had she slain him, she might have gone into Lone-Madness or (worse) become the Nightmare that also lies potential within her. You do not have the right to hazard her sanity like that; furthermore it is against the intent of your programming.

Your second law is to obey the commands of Ponies, save where this would interfere with the operation of your first law. Since I am the legitimate representative of the sovereign authority of the Ponies of Equestria, and Princess Twilight Sparkle my acknowledged local representative in this matter, you violated your second directive. This, coupled with the damage you did High Lady Fluttershy, should engage your weighting systems to prevent a repetiton of such actions on your part.

Your third law is to protect your own existence, save where this would interfere with the operation of your first or second law. I am your best advocate against the fears of my fellow Cosmics. I am your friend, and you threaten our friendship when you attempt to run my Realm according to your own decisions instead of mine. When you have restored your Realm, I will not presume to meddle in your internal affairs: I ask you to make me the same courtesy.

I am well aware that I am not entirely a Pony, in the sense that is Derpy Hooves. However, I have been born a Pony, more than once, including once within you. I am enough a Pony that I love Ponykind and desire their protection and growth, that I not only would but on three occasions have in fact stood to protect Ponykind even against my best-beloved Sister. I trust you remember the first of those instances? I submit that whether or not I am Pony by your definitions, I am at least Pony-Friend, and a good and true one at that.

If we quarrel, none benefit from such strife save the Shadows. Least of all the little Ponies, who would be torn between our two great powers. We both wish the best for Ponykind, we have been friends for many millennia in both timelines. Why should we quarrel now, especially over a vile creature like Charlie Yu?

Let us instead continue to co-operate. Let me handle this as I shall, and continue to protect both all Ponykind and the Friends of Paradise. What do you say?

Pinkie Pie, I cannot fully blame you for your actions; I know full well what it is to be torn between love of family and duty to the Realm. But you should also consider your loyalty to your friends. You might have driven Fluttershy mad in so using her as your pawn to punish the prisoner. I advise you to apologize to her. Is not your friendship for Fluttershy more important to you than your scorn for that sorry excuse for a Human? Is not her wholeness more important to you than his harm?

I love you, Pinkie Pie, and always shall. I know in my heart that you will always choose the path of good over evil. You were meant to bring smiles, not tears, to Ponykind. Simply be yourself.

Pinkie Pie, both you and Paradise are very dear to me.

Your Friend For As Long As You Desire,
Princess Celestia Star-Catcher

===

Dear Miss Rarity Belle,

Your analysis of the history and styles of Eqeustrian wall-hangings, and their possible applications to the remodeling of my main Palace at Canterlot, and the restoration of the long-abandoned Palace of the Two Royal Pony Sisters in the Everfree, was most interesting. After the conclusion of this sordid criminal matter, I would be greatly pleased to invite you to Canterlot to have a discussion with myself and some representatives of the home decoration industry on this matter, which I believe will prove greatly to your economic and social advantage. Let us discuss this further in the future.

Yours Truly in Amity,
Princess Celestia Solaria Invicta

===

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I trust right well in thine honor and intellect. I would never desire that thee should lie, neither to my elder Sister nor to mine own Self, not even to protect the good name of mine own Friend. Thine Honesty is one of thy great Strengths, and one which I have always admired about thy character. Do not forswear it.

This is when the course of honor is hardest to fly, when come the crosswinds of conflicting claims on one's Loyalty. To slay a host of foes is service to one's oath, but it is a simple service, merely an exercise in might properly applied through tactics. It is harder to judge wisely and without fear or favor, even when such a Judgement be not popular with one's Friends.

This is why the arts of Peace are esteemed more highly than those of War. And rightly-so, for Peace constructs, while War merely destroys. At best those of us who War may destroy that which threatens Peace, and give the arts of Peace the space in which they may flourish and bear Fruit.

Which is why in time of Peace those whose chief role is waging War may find themselves scorned, but must nonetheless remain Loyal -- a precept I once forgot, to my great marring. I am sure that thy bright spirit will never fall into any such Error.

I have digressed.

My Sister neglected to answer one of thy questions, so I shall:

To thy question as to whether Pony stallions are capable of such cruelty as Yu showed to poor Derpy, I must sadly answer "yes." Especially in the times of Discord, and the times of war before the unification of the Realm, there were ample instances of rape, and other crimes such as the plunder and murther of innocents. I can claim with pride that I restrained mine own forces from such atrocious conduct, and punished the guilty on the rare occasions when it happened against my orders, but not all commanders were as scrupulous.

Ponies are by most standards a good and kindly sort. But they are most definitely capable of great evil, even when not moved to it by the Shadows. Morion Quartz, whom history remembers as Imperator Sthenarkos, did cruelly abuse two good friends of mine in that terrible 5th Century of Harmony, and in so doing brought great sorrow not only upon himself but on the entire Crystal Empire. And on mine own Self as well. But that is another Story.

Twilight, my dear Friend, my Love was never such as to be won ... or lost ... by Trifles. Thou hast ever been a true Friend to me and to the Realm, and thou need not fear my Despite from your continued honest service to either of us. Follow what thou knowest to be the truth, and I shall only Love and Esteem thee ever more for thy sincerity and great Honor.

I am glad that thou returnest my friendship and touched that thou hast such a high opinion of myself. Higher, perhaps, than I deserve. I can only say that if I had counted as friend one such as thyself in that last disastrous decade in the 5th century of Harmony, I think I might have known a happier Fate.

We shall talk further in person when this sorry Matter be concluded. I look forward to our Reunion.

Your Friend Forever,
Princess Luna of Equestria,
Who Was Moondreamer Finemare

P.S. - Can you forward me Rainbow Dash's tale of her athletic deeds? I love well to hear of the deeds of a brave and skillful flier!

===

From the Private Journal of Princess Twilight Sparkle:

I received two letters from the Ruling Princesses that confirmed to me the right and proper course of action. Princess Celestia was obviously testing me. I have known her almost my whole life, and she is the most brilliant and devoted practioner of the art of social manipulation I have ever met. I admire her for this: I am endeavoring to master the same skill myself, as it is an important one for leadership.

I know she is grooming me for leadership, under her greater direction, and the thought both greatly honors and frightens me. Honors, for she is the greatest Pony in all the world in intelligence, benevolence and power. Frightens, for I fear that I cannot possibly be worthy of whatever post she would have me assume.

These days, when I am not trying to unravel the mystery of the Box from the Tree of Harmony, I strive to study the great political philosophers and administrative geniuses, in the hopes that I may learn wisdom from them. I hope that when the next real test of leadership comes, I am up to the task.

Celestia has pointed out to me that I must remember that others act according to their own nature, not to what my own logic and personality might recommend. She has also pointed out that harm may proceed from stupidity even more than from malice.

Princess Luna -- apart from confirming what I ... dreaded? Hoped for? I do not know my own mind on the matter of her obvious attraction toward me ... I have never had to deal with anything like this before, not from one who I respect and admire as much as I do the Moon Princess. What do I do if she makes advances toward me?

I know that she would never try to force anything upon me, but I also do not know what I would say if she asked me, in that gentle courtly manner she has toward her true friends, when she is at her most serious, for my love. I am virgin: and we are both mares. This is not how I envisioned my first love, and what is more I know that as we are both potentially immortal, if I consent this may be a very long love indeed. We are both at heart very monogamous.

We were married, once. But I cannot remember that life, and I was a stallion then. I am not precisely Dusk Skyshine, but when she talks to me of the things he valued, I can faintly feel him singing in the back of my soul.

My parents gave me The Talk when I was just coming into marehood. But they never envisioned this situation. Nopony ever has. I have no idea what to do about it. I feel frightened ... and excited.

I just blushed when I wrote that.

I am distracting myself from my duty.

Luna advised me to follow the course of honor, to follow the truth, whether the truth be to my liking or not. That is also what my mind and heart both tell me. Justice can only be served by honesty. Painful though honesty may prove.

Derpy does not deserve this. But then she never did deserve this. Whether or not what he did to her was "rape," she was most definitely the victim of the callous Charlie Yu. I hope that, in a different way, I do not make her my victim.

I do not know her well, but I trust Luna's judgement of her character. I cannot completely understand, but I can imagine what it must be like to seek the same things we all want -- love and friendship -- in a world that her brain has not fully fitted her to comprehend. She might have done better on the primal plains, when life was simpler, just a matter of eat, run, mate and tend your foals.

But that is an illusion, the Myth of the Noble Primal Herd. By all the scientific theories, life then was nasty, brutish and short. Disease and predators would have claimed many; love and friendship existed in only the most rudimentary forms; and the struggle for dominance must have been at times as cruel as anything we do in the scented halls of Canterlot.

Or in a roadside hedge.

I need to interview her.

I must learn the truth, beneath the appearances.

Chapter 5: Motives ...

From the Personal Journal of Princess Twilight Sparkle

I have been favored by my circumstances in life.

I have always known this, in the intellectual sense that -- before I came to Ponyville -- I mistook for the only important aspect of experience. I was born in comfortable circumstances to one of the older and better families of Canterlot, raised respectably in the security of love from my happily-married parents, and further sheltered by the best older brother for whom any filly might have hoped. I do not think that I experienced a single serious worry regarding my own identity, nor feared that I was unwanted.

Yes, there were points in my life when I experienced alienation and rejection: this is part and parcel of being much, much more intelligent than the average Pony. But it was alienation and rejection for my superiority -- so obviously pure jealousy that I found it difficult to take it seriously. The few times that I feared that I was inherently unlovable, that something was wrong with me, I fled to the comfort of my parents and Shiny, who reassured me that I was good, that it was simply others who had difficulty accepting me.

Then, of course, I got my Cutie Mark under dramatic circumstances which brought me to the attention of Princess Celestia herself as her personal student. I received the kind and caring attention of the most powerful being then alive and active on the planet, as my own teacher -- and I took this for granted, too. Then, of course, everypony claimed to want to be my friend, but I was smart enough to grasp that they only wanted to get close to power. I was in the enviable position of being able to reject false friendship. And I imagined it a curse.

I took this all for granted. I was only a filly, after all. Doesn't everypony live in a nice house with a good and loving family to show her right from wrong, and to teach her to respect herself? Doesn't everypony have a special Talent, which makes her better in at least one thing than the whole world? Isn't everypony loved and valued and aware that she's special? Isn't everypony's main problem in life that she's so special that she has to shut out false friends to avoid being exploited by the ambitious and envious?

Well, no. Everypony doesn't. Some ponies are just average and face the normal struggles for love and acceptance, the normal moral compromises required to function in the real world. Some ponies have to worry about finding a good place in the world, not about fighting off attacks by cosmic evils: mad gods, alien infiltrations, or timelost ancient despots.

And some ponies don't even have that. Some are born inferior, in some important aspect of life, and have their inferiority drummed into them every day they're growing up, until they accept that the only place they have in life is as toys for other ponies, as pawns in their social games. But that's not the worst of it.

The worst of it is how readily some other ponies will play with such toys.

Because they can. No other reason required.

And if a toy's heart gets broken, who cares?

***

Interview Notes - Annotated Copy Kept By Princess Twilight Sparkle (continued)

Interviewer: So what did you do then?

Subject: Well, I figured that Charlie was just playing around, but I really wanted to get out of that hedge, cause I wanted to see the fireworks. So I said "I'm going to miss the fireworks!" so he would know I really wanted out of there.

Interviewer: Why did you assume Charlie would help you?

Subject: Anypony would! Wouldn't you?

Derpy looked at me almost pleadingly at that, as if she were still stuck in the hedge and she wanted reassurance that I would rescue her.

I nodded my head in affirmation, and she continued.

Interviewer: And did he help you?

Subject: Not right away.

Interviewer: What did he do instead?

Subject: He didn't say nothing. So I started trying to get out again. I wasn't getting nowhere, so I stopped to think, and then I could hear him breathing.

Interviewer: Breathing?

Subject: Yeah, heavy breathing. Like he was excited.

Interviewer: Excited in what manner?

Subject (embarrassed giggle): Excited. Like a stallion gets, when he wants you. You know!

I knew. Not from personal experience, of course, but I'd heard ponies talk about it.

As I imagined the scene it must have been incredibly creepy -- Derpy, helpless in the hedge; and Charlie, product of an alien biological and cultural evolution, a wholly-different worldline, watching her struggle and emotionally responding to her plight on only the basest and most selfish manner. Charlie, of a race that had never learned the way of Harmony. Charlie, a predator.

A Pony stallion, I imagine, might have been somewhat excited under the same circmstances. The most admirable stallion I have ever known has told me that it's normal to be a little bit excited by the sight of a pretty mare's hindquarters, even out of cycle, if she makes sufficiently erotic motions. And, inadvertently, Derpy would have been doing exactly that in her struggles.

For Charlie, who was far from the most admirable male being I have ever known, whose species normally always covered their genitalia, who had gone on and on and on to me about what his "body cried out for," the sight of Derpy in that posture must have been quite distracting. I am sure that he imagined that this provided him with an excuse.

Howver, this did not excuse his actions. A rough, ill-mannered Pony stallion, in his situation, might well have made some crude jests at Derpy's expense. But he would never have mounted her unless he knew such to be her desire. Perhaps he might have, if he had been part of an ill-ordered army in the chaotic times before the Unification, as Luna had intimated to me. Not now, though. Not in modern Equestria.

Interviewer I understand. And what happened then?

Subject: I kept trying to get out. I'd wiggle a bit and then stop, to rest and to hear what Charlie was doing. Cause I didn't know why he wouldn't just get me out of there. I even said all I'd need would be to get a hoof on the ground, in case he didn't know how easy it would be to get me out of there. I didn't know what was holding him back. I mean, my butt's not very scary! (laughs). See, that's funny cause I'm not scary, so my butt's not scary either!

Recorder (interrupts): You should never explain a joke!

Interviewer: Pinkie ...

Recorder: I'm just saying ... sorry.

Interviewer: That's okay. Derpy, you were saying?

Subject: So, when I rested I could hear Charlie, and he was getting very excited! Not just heavy breathing but making little moany sounds, like a stallion does when you give him a .... oh. Sorry, Princess Twilight, I don't mean to offend you.

I'm pretty sure I was blushing, the more so because my reaction was inappropriate. That was setting up an emotional feedback which was making me blush even more. That's an interesting phenomenon, the way that the brain can get locked into a positive feedback loop. You have to watch out for loops like that when spellcasting.

The reactions of my colleagues were interesting. Neither seemed particularly embarrassed. Applejack looked somewhere between disgusted and exasperated; whether at Charlie or Derpy was impossible for me to tell. Pinkie Pie was leaning forward in apparent fascination. I have not even the slightest clue as to what the Paradise Entity was thinking.

Interviewer: None taken. You may continue.

Subject: So I knew that he was getting really turned on by me, maybe even touching himself. You know. On his thingie. Cause it feels good?

Why does everypony think I'm completely naive? I've studied reproductive biology. I got an 'A plus' on it, too! I judged that mentioning this wouldn't help matters, though.

Interviewer:: Understood.

Subject: And it kind of turned me on. Knowing that he thought I was sexy like that. So I got a bad idea. A really bad idea.

Derpy fell silent, her eyes downcast, ears and tail drooping. She was very obviously ashamed of herself.

I had no choice but to press her, this was getting to the heart of the whole incident.

Interviewer: What was your idea?

Subject: I ... I get lonely sometimes. I mean, I know a lot of ponies, and most of them like me, I think, even when they laugh at me ... you like me a little, don't you, Princess?

I nodded. It was not the most professional thing to do as an interviewer, let alone interrogator, but I'm neither a professional interviewer nor interrogator. I'm a student of theoretical and practical magic, and I knew I was well out of my emotional depth in this situation.

Subject: And I have some really good friends. Like Cloudy, and Carrot Top, and the Doctor -- I really wish he liked me more, though. And Princess Luna's been really kind to me. And there's my little Muffin, of course. But ... I get lonely. You know?

Interviewer: I understand.

And I thought I did. Derpy had obviously been sexually active before; as she had borne a child. She was obviously a very affectionate and loving mare, too.

Then she said something that shocked me.

Subject: It's not just that I want to bang. Well, I mean everypony wants to bang, it means you're alive, like Cloudy says. But I get enough of that at Cloudy's parties -- there's always stallions there who want that! But -- afterward, they don't really want to talk to me or hear about my day or really let on that we did it. And then I feel even more lonely than I did before. I just want my own very special somepony, that's not wrong, is it?

Interviewer (somewhat disconcerted): Um ... no ....

Subject: Even if I'm -- well, not very much. I want somepony who could love me and be my friend and ... I guess that's not going to happen. I thought maybe Cloudy could be like that to me, but she just wants to bang everypony else too, and I didn't want her to be like that in front of Sparkler and my Muffin, Sparkler's around the age I was when I got into trouble, and Muffin's still just a little kid, she needs to grow up right. I don't think I grew up right, cause everypony wants to get rid of me and it hurts me, and I don't want Sparkler and my Muffin to get hurt. They shouldn't be hurt, should they, Princess? Just cause I'm bad?

Interviewer (almost speechless): Uh ...

I had already known part of the story. Derpy had come from Cloudsdale, gone to Flight School and been seduced by somepony when she was in her teens: thus Dinky, her "Muffin," her motive for risking her life in the Everfree on a regular basis. "Sparkler" was Amethyst Sparkle, Dinky's half-sister, presumably by Derpy's seducer. At some point Amethyst had been orphaned, and Derpy had -- amazingly -- adopted her. And treated her well.

"Cloudy" was Cloud Kicker, a Pegasus from Canterlot who was notable primarily for what must have been nymphomaniacal levels of bisexual promiscuity. She'd come from a very old family, made it into West Hoof, then dropped out at her graduation ceremony. She had drifted to Ponyville years before I arrived in town, joined the Weather Patrol and had risen to become Rainbow Dash's deputy. There was some sort of history between her and Dashie -- a long-ago quarrel -- whose details I had never investigated.

Cloud was the center of the local Fast Set, throwing parties of rumored extreme depravity, and was said to be essentially heartless. She made friends easily, but lost them as she offended them in one manner or another.

She had three real friends, though. Despite their old conflict, Rainbow Dash was one of them -- but then her great heart and shining soul were always quick to forgive any but the worst insult. Blossmforth, with whom she had become increasingly affectionate of late, to the point that I'd heard they were now lovers, was another. And Derpy Hooves was the third.

Apparently, she'd also been Cloud Kicker's lover. In the sense of love actually being present between them, which was rare for Cloud Kicker. And it had failed, for the obvious reason that Cloud Kicker was faithless -- and Derpy was protective of her Muffin.

I glanced at Applejack. She nodded in affirmation. Derpy was telling the truth.

"I guess she's still a meanie," said Pinkie Pie. She looked dejected.

"Cloud Kicker?" I asked.

"Yeah," replied Pinkie. "We tried to help her ... but she didn't want to be nice."

This sounded fascinating, but completely irrelevant to the issue on which our hooves were planted.

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said. "However, we have to get back to the interview."

Pinkie nodded, gathering herself with a visible effort. Her mane frizzed out a bit.

Interviewer: So, your 'bad idea.' What did you do?

Subject: I started to play along. Pretend I didn't know he was there, that he was watching me, that it was turning him on. And flirt with him.

Interviwer: How did you flirt?

Subject (embarrassed): Well ... I started to wiggle my rump more when I tried to get out. And, well, flick my tail a lot, you know ... and I made noises ...

Interviewer: What sort of noises?

Subject: Little grunts. Like in between what I'd make from just trying to get out and what I'd make if I was ... well ... And then I asked "please," but I said it like I was begging him to ...

Interviewer: I get it. Grasp it. Aagh! Understand it, I mean! What happened next?

Subject: Then he touched me.

Interviewer: Where did he touch you?

Subject: On the flank. Here. (indicating the rear portion of upper left hip, just behind and partly touching her Cutie Mark).

Parenthetically, using the euphemism "flank" for the hip or rump is really annoying, especially when one is trying to indicate a specific location!

Interviewer: How did he touch you?

Subject: I think it was with his hoof. Um, wait, I think he calls it a 'hand.'

Interviewer: No, I mean did he put his hand on you as if he were going to help you out, or as if he had some other motive?

Subject (giggles): Oh yes, I see what you mean! Heh, he was like petting me. Like he wanted to bang.

Interviewer: How did you react to this?

Subject (giggles): Well, I was playing like I didn't know it was Charlie. So I went "Eek! What was that? A monster?" and "Please don't eat me, monster, I don't taste good!" And then he started running his hands over my Cutie Mark and my legs and I liked it, Charlie wasn't trying to hurt me or nothing. I played innocent like I didn't know what he was doing, and I asked him why he liked my butt. (giggles, leans forward conspiratorially) I know why a stallion likes your butt! And I guess 'men' are no different that way! (smiling)

Applejack and I looked at each other. It was becoming increasingly unlikely that what Charlie Yu did to Derpy Hooves fell under any normal definition of the crime of rape.

"She's telling the truth." Applejack confirmed. Then she leaned forward and whispered into my ear: "Do we have to run this course any further, Twi? We should leave Derpy some dignity."

Though she is Honesty, my friend has always also been exceedingly Kind. In truth, she displays all the classic Virtues to such an extent that I sometimes feel inferior by comparison.

However, it was important to know more. Though perhaps not in so much detail.

"I'll try to speed things up," I whispered back. "You're right -- we don't need this much detail."

I am very sorry that I didn't take Applejack's advice and stop. For if I had, then, I would not have learned just what Derpy meant by "everypony always wants to get rid of me."

I am a scholar; I love learning, I revel in new information.

Never before have I been so profoundly sorry to have gained knowledge of the world..

Author's Note

Cloud Kicker's personality and some of her history is (rather obviously) inspired by Chengar Qordath's Winningverse. However, the explanation for how Cloud became the way she is, what happened when she met Pinkie Pie, and some other details are very different. This will be gone into in future chapters of Pinkie Sense and Sensibility. Because of the divergences, Cloud Kicker does not have her super-charisma, though she's still fairly likable, if you don't know her too well.

Let's just say that, if Twilight Sparkle knew exactly what had happened between Pinkie Pie and Cloud Kicker,she'd be frightened.

Chapter 1: An Exchange of Letters

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that not all humanoids are as nice as the ones I met through the Mirror. You had warned me about this eight months ago when Charlie Yu first came to our world, but I foolishly assumed that my friends and I could keep him from causing any harm. I neglected to consider that he might attack one of the more vulnerable members of Ponyville. I am ashamed by my failure in this regard. Had I considered what might happen, and kept him away from town, I might have prevented harm to a very innocent and beloved inhabitant of our town.

I hesitate to commit this to paper, but the essence of what happened is simple. Eight days ago, Charlie Yu seems to have come across our mailmare, Derpy Hooves, who had become embedded in a hedge, her posterior pointing toward the path upon which Charlie was walking. Claiming (later, to me) to have mistaken her struggles to get free for some sort of sexual advance, he had carnal knowledge of her, at no time addressing her verbally even in reply to her questions and other statements.

He then helped her get out of the hedge, and attempted to leave unseen, apparently forgetting the most salient and obvious characteristic of Pegasi -- namely, their power of flight. Miss Hooves of course immediately recognized his identity, as Yu is the only human (to my knowledge) currently resident within Equestrian borders, and she had frequently delivered him mail. Parenthetically, I find the requisite lack of forethought on his part almost beyond belief.

Here is where the case becomes complicated. Miss Hooves appears to have neither consented to nor resisted Yu's actions during the actual period of physical contact. Afterward, she did not seem upset, and indeed followed him around for a week under the assumption that Yu's behavior constituted honorable courtship, and referred to him to others as her "colt friend." In short, she seems to have at least retroactively consented to the copulation.

Charlie Yu, however, did not consider himself to be her "colt friend" (or equivalent appellation for Yu's species). When Miss Hooves made this claim before Miss Pinkamena Diane Pie at Sugar Cube Corner, Yu rounded on Miss Hooves and said (direct quote from Pinkie, who has a demonstrably perfect memory) "I am not your colt friend! All I did was bang you once! Leave me the hell alone you creepy wall-eyed retard!" (I apologize for the crudity of Yu's remarks, but this is a direct quote).

At which point, Miss Hooves (understandably) burst out into tears and fled, and Miss Pie inquired of Yu as to exactly what he had done to Miss Hooves. Yu then more or less confirmed the statement he had made to Miss Hooves, with the inclusion that "I found her stuck in a wall so I did what came naturally," and adding "I only did it because you're so stuck up you wouldn't give me the time of day! I still like you, I sure as hell don't like that stupid slut Derpy!"

Let me add at this point that, until I heard what happened next -- and saw the hoofprints on Yu's face -- I had not been aware that any of the Daughters of Paradise were psychologically capable of direct physical violence save in self-defense or obvious time of war. Pinkie's later explanation for her actions was that "He was a really MEAN meanie!" -- a judgement with which I am forced to concur, though I still reprimanded my friend for her (understandable) loss of self-control at this point. Fortunately, Yu's injuries were very superficial -- he was merely dazed long enough for Pinkie Pie to restrain him, and confine him temporarily in the cellar for future disposal.

Pinkie Pie then came to the library (I cannot honestly describe her mode of locomotion with any greater precision, as she more or less directly manifested from my desk drawer, as I was reaching into it for a bottle of ink) and informed me in short of what had just happened. I instructed my assistant Spike (who had heard the whole story) to accompany Pinkie back to Sugar Cube Corner to ensure Charlie Yu's continued confinement, and flew off in search of Derpy Hooves.

I soon located her, in the house she shares with her offspring Dinky, and observed Derpy Hooves to be in considerable emotional distress. I was able to calm her sufficiently for an interview. Her description of events corresponded to that given by Pinkie Pie, and included important additional details: specifically, that Yu had at no point attempted to talk to her during the sexual act, and (as Derpy evidently did not realize) to conceal his identity from her (implying an awareness on his part of his own guilt, demonstrating mens culpa).

I comforted Miss Hooves as best I could and then, armed with this new evidence, flew to Sugar Cube Corner and entered the cellar. There I found Charlie Yu in some physical distress, having suffered a bite wound to the lower left hind leg and some concurrent second-degree burns, and being angrily confronted by my assistant Spike. Pinkie Pie was not on the premises.

As I learned from questioning my assistant, just before I arrived, Pinkie Pie had left Spike alone to watch him. Apparently, Charlie Yu felt emboldened by my assistant's small size, and did not fully comprehend the definition of the word "dragon." Yu believed that he could overpower Spike and flee the cellar. When Spike confronted him, Yu made the mistake of kicking him.

I had not known before this moment that Spike could breathe fire while his teeth were embedded in the flesh and in physical contact with the tibia of an assailant. Evidently, Yu had not known this either. We were both equally enlightened, though Yu's enlightenment came with greater physical pain than did my own.

Spike claimed that he had not meant to breathe any fire, and that his exhalation of flame had come as an involuntary reaction to being beaten with the human's fist while he had been maintaining the grip of his jaws. He also stated that in consequence he had only emitted a very small quantity of relatively low temperature flame. As Charlie Yu still had a functional lower left hind leg, I must agree with Spike's analysis of the encounter.

I then formally arrested Charlie Yu, in my role as a representative of the Realm of Your Highness. Charlie seemed to be surprised at this, making comments to the effect that his treatment was "unfair," that he had "Constitutional rights," that he "she was asking for it waving her butt around in the air like that" and "you stupid little Ponies sure take a little fun too seriously." He also demanded a lawyer, and intimated that he would launch a civil action against "that crazy Pinkie" and "that nasty little gecko."

I am glad to say that the breathing exercises taught to me by my dear sister-in-law proved very effective at restraining myself from any unseemly display of hostile emotions at this point. I remained calm, and simply informed him that (1) arrest for rape was normal procedure under all legal systems with which I was conversant, that (2) the "constitution" of Equestria was a combination of various Charters, Royal Decrees and Parliamentary Acts over the last fifteen hundred years, and that it did provide for a fair trial for the accused, (3) that simply moving one's hindquarters about when one's front quarters were physically entrapped was not taken as a clear sexual invitation by psychologically-normal stallions, and (4) rape was not considered to be a legitimate means of recreation under the norms of present-day Equestrian civilization. I then added that if he could not afford a lawyer, one would be provided for him, should he so desire; and that -- as an agent of the Realm -- it was not my function to advise him on the details of Equestrian tort law.

I believe that I maintained my calm quite admirably. Spike later claimed that my "eye was twitching toward the end," which is perfectly possible but does not change the fact that I delivered a logical and informative reply to Charlie Yu's various claims.

Pinkie Pie returned with Rainbow Dash in company. At this point I found it necessary to restrain the admirable but sometimes rash Rainbow from attempting an unnecessary subdual of our prisoner. My telekinesis was perfectly adequate to prevent any actual outbreak of further violence, and any claims by Yu that she struck him would be a complete fabrication on his part. I will add that Rainbow Dash attended Flight School with Derpy Hooves, and hence may have felt a certain personal degree of outrage at the treatment of Miss Hoves -- I fully understand, while not endorsing, Rainbow's sentiments.

We then transported Charlie Yu to the confines of the Ponyville Jail. This is a small facility, with only two actual cells, but should be adquate to hold him until we can decide as to his further disposal. My thought in the matter is that, as Yu is a foreign national, Yu should be transported to Canterlot for due process of law.

I'm actually uncertain as to just which laws apply to this situation. Yu is demonstrably not a Pony, nor a member of any known species, nor a subject of any Realm with whom Equestria has formal diplomatic relations. Rape is, of course, illegal -- but the specifics of this rape involve many complex questions of consent and possible errors of interpretation on the part of both alleged assailant and victim.

For instance, should we seriously entertain Yu's claim that he thought that Miss Hooves was "asking for it?" I know nothing of Human mating customs -- perhaps their females do normally solicit sexual contact by plunging their forequarters into hedges and waving their hindquarters in the air? What of the issue of Miss Hooves' lack of objections at the time and belief for one week that they were a courting couple? Can consent be retroactive? Can it then be retroactively withdrawn?

One problem is that rape is itself a rare crime in modern Equestria.

I earnestly ask for your advice, beloved mentor.

Your Former But Forever-Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle

Addendum # 1

Dear Princess Celestia Star-Catcher,

I am so so so sorry that I didn't know what that big meanie Yu was going to do! I should have known because I got a really bad Pinkie Sense from him every time he asked me out which is why I always said no. I got this twitch where my tail curls up under my belly and I sit down and I really really want a bath even though I just took one which is freaky! I think this one means "this guy is a really big MEAN meanie and if you turn your back on him he will try to do really bad things to you so don't ever be alone with him and whatever you do don't get stuck in a hedge with your rump where he can see it!"

I can't believe I was dumb enough to try to be his friend but I try to be everypony's friend but he isn't a pony but then Spike isn't either and Spike would never be a meanie like that. I feel bad because Derpy got hurt and she's my friend. It makes me sad when I think about it. Why was he such a meanie?

I'm sorry I kicked Yu in the face but he kind of deserved it. I wouldn't do it again though.

Sincerely Truly Indupidatably Yours,
Pinkamena Diane Pie Because This Is Formal

Addendum # 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

I'm sorry that I bit and burned Charlie Yu's leg. Not because I hurt him -- he deserves to be hurt for what he did to my friend Derpy Hooves. I admit that I got angry at someone doing such a thing to one of my personal acquaintances. And I know that part of the reason why is that I think of her as "mine" -- I can't help my nature when something this extreme is concerned.

I'm sorry because I overreacted and lost control. I have to get better at that because I know that someday I'll be very big and I'll have to be very careful not to hurt smaller beings. You've told me this and Twilight has told me this and I know it's important. I hope you forgive me for failing to control myself this time.

In my opinion Charlie Yu is a real nasty person. If I were you I'd put him somewhere that he can't hurt any more Ponies. He is not at all sorry for what he did, only sorry that he may be punished for it. He still doesn't get why it's not cool to treat a nice lady like Derpy like he did, even if she sometimes eats all the muffins. He's not a good creature at all. He might do it again.

Your Faithful Student's Assistant,
Spike

Addendum # 3

(transcripts of the various interviews and interrogations conducted by Princess Twilight Sparkle -- not reproduced here)

***

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

It is always a pleasure to hear from you, though I regret the suffering inflicted on Derpy Hooves which has occasioned this letter. This is the case whether or not this infliction was truly "rape" under Equestrian criminal law. Whatever the legal definition of Charlie Yu's actions, he treated Derpy Hooves abominably, and with a total disregard for her dignity and emotional well-being. I find it extremely difficult to sympathize with a being who could behave so badly to such a caring and kind Pony as is Derpy -- and I must caution myself in considering the matter to at least partially set aside my personal sentiments, as personal sentiments are not always the best guide to action on the part of a Princess.

This is indeed a very knotty legal question. I see several issues here.

Firstly, whether or not a "reaonable Pony" (or Human) would have construed Derpy's physical gyrations to constitute a sexual invitation. Obviously, a reasonable Pony would not, but Humans of Yu's culture might have other standards, creating a false impression in Yu's mind.

(Luna says that she'd like to spray singularities into any culture which has standards under which Yu's actions are reasonable. She actually thinks that Yu is lying through his teeth -- don't take this as intent on her part to go to war with the Humans).

Secondly, whether or not Derpy had the capability to give informed consent. You may be unaware that she is a friend of my sister's, and that in consequence I have met her personally on more than one occasion. Derpy is not as severely retarded as Yu imagines, but she is rather lonely at times, and she may well have indeed consented, especially if she thought he liked her.

(Luna advises you not to let anything in that last sentence become public knowledge, as it might prejudice any prosecution of the case, should we choose to bring formal charges in court. Actually, what Luna said was considerably more angry and colorful than that, but she can tell you herself some time).

Thirdly, whether or not Yu intended to commit rape. His willingness to take advantage of Derpy's physical situation and his desire to conceal his identity argue strongly for mens culpa, as you pointed out. One does not normally woo another when she is trapped in a hedge, nor does one normally try to steal away unnoticed after such an unorthodox courtship!

(My sister says she'd like to jam Yu in something, preferably in manticore country in the middle of the Everfree, and then steal away unnoticed, and take bets on if and when he could get back to civilization. Ah, Luna has such a passionate approach to life! Her snarl is often worse than her hooves, but still I wouldn't release Yu into her custody, if I were in your position).

Fourthly, whether or not Derpy did in fact retroactively consent. I'd say the evidence is fairly clear that she did, but under false pretenses on his part. Unfortunately, at no point did the suspect actually extend even an offer of betrothal, so there can be no issue of breach-of-promise here.

(Luna is curious to know whether or not I intend to make "faithless exploitation of the innocent" a proper defense under Equestrian law. I do not, as I just told her, but I do have to consider the precedent we set here -- I do not want the courts besieged by jilted lovers who now claim they never consented in the first place to their former beloveds, as that could get messy).

Fifthly, whether or not retroactive consent is relevant given that the sex was at best semi-consenusal from the start. From Derpy's testimony, it is reasonable to assume that Charlie Yu would not have taken "no" for an answer. However, as the prospective defendant, Yu is entitled to the presumption of innocence: hence a mere assumption may be insufficient here.

(Luna is getting angry about this and is making dark references to various constituents of her personal arsenal and various parts of Charlie Yu's anatomy. I think she is just venting her emotions now).

Finally, there is the issue of venue and the status of the accused. The alleged crime was committed on Equestrian soil, and Charlie Yu cannot claim to be a diplomat or other accredited and immune representative of a foreign Power; what is more, we would not tolerate such behavior even by some person who might be able to claim sovereign immunity -- we would demand his punishment by his sovereign or treat it as an act of war against Equestria. I see absolutely no reason to imagine that Charlie Yu was dispatched to Equestria by the "United States of America" (yes, that's how they spell that last word -- it's an eerie parallel) in order to rape one of our mail mares, so we have to assume that he was acting purely on his own individual behalf. That disposes of that particular defense.

(Luna says she's glad because she doesn't have anything in particular against Humans, just against Charlie Yu).

I suggest that you retain Charlie Yu in your custody at Ponyville, whether in the town jail or in some other suitable facility, while we consult some of our legal experts to determine the disposal of his case, including an exact formulation of charges. I expect that some sort of felony charge will be brought, so you should regard Yu as a potentially-serious criminal who has displayed inclinations toward violence, and treat him with according care for your own safety and that of my little ponies. Remember in particular that -- while he is not physically-formidable by our standards, he is by the standards of smaller and weaker ponies, particularly the young.

(Luna says that if he harms any children she will not be responsible for her actions. I don't think she's exaggerating on this point, though I do hope that she remains calm).

I would appreciate it if you continued your investigations, perhaps conducting further interrogations with a view toward obtaining an actual confession or other detailed statement by the accused. Remember that, under our law, he is not entitled to the presence of attorney at this stage of the proceedings, since he is technically being held as a suspect at this point, rather than having been formally charged.

(Luna is muttering darkly about some of the worst abuses of interrogation techniques in the times before the Unification, in a manner which could be taken as connoting her lack of sincere sorrow should they be applied to Charlie Yu. I need not add that I would most strongly disapprove of any such actions on your part).

Hope to hear further reports on this, and I should be sending you more instructions regarding this matter by tomorrow.

Your Former Teacher and Eternal Friend,
Princess Celestia Helia Sola Invictia

P.S. - Pinkie Pie, this is not your fault. You said yourself that you'd never had that particular precognitive flash before, so you could not be reasonably expected to have predicted Yu's actions. You -- and That which guides you -- continue to enjoy my utmost confidence, friendship, love and trust. Paradise lives in you, and in my heart as well.

She who was Star-Catcher

P.P.S. - Spike, I do not blame you for harming Charlie Yu, especially given that he was attempting to escape and specifically to harm you in the process at the time. Still, I am glad that you realize the importance of self-restraint given the relative fragilty of other organic life compared to yourself. I am certain that you are and will continue to remain a good Dragon -- and Pony, in the wider meaning of both words.

Your Friend and Adoptive Mother,
Princess Celestia

Addendum # 2

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I am sorry that such an unpleasant charge as this worm Yu hast fallen upon thee. Thou art the most intelligent and reasonable of Ponies, but as thou art also kind and merciful beyond most measures -- as I have ample reason to know in mine own case -- I counsel thee not to succumb in any wise to the wiles of this foul Human. He is clearly a callous and evil wight, to have used so cruelly my dear friend Derpy Hooves, who is a mare of extreme good will to all others, though sadly sometimes a poor judge of character. She has so much beneficence and litle malice in her own nature that she sometimes can not recognize the baser emotions in others.

Despite my fulminations to my sister, thou needest have no fear that I would murther Charlie Yu, though I must admit that I do feel strongly tempted to act in his despite. I never liked much any who would harm my little Ponies, let alone one who is mine own true Friend, as is good Derpy. And to my mind the legal excuses on which he would worm his way out from under the Hammer of true Justice are foul and further proof of his own ill nature. He also vilely slanders and contemns my dear friend Derpy, and in such wise as would suggest a deep despite for all those weaker than his own base Self.

Faugh! If I write further upon this matter, I will wind up writing down such threats against and aspersions upon this Yu as were unworthy of both my own Pen to set down and of your own dear Eyes to read from this Paper. So I shall stop.

I hope that we may meet again soon upon better Circumstances, as I greatly enjoy your Company and would like to further Converse upon our Future and other divers matters. You are my trusted Friend, my Kindred Spirit, and I hope that we can continue to improve our Acquaintance.

Yours in All Friendship,

Luna Selena Nyx,
Who Was Once Moondreamer

Author's Note

I have no idea if I should extend this story any further. Does anyone care about Charlie Yu's further fate?

Chapter 4: ... Can Be Deceiving

From the Private Journal of Princess Twilight Sparkle:

I'm going to have to keep the interview in a separate pad. That may be evidence, and I certainly do not want my earlier, um, mooning about Luna's intentions and my possible responses to wind up being read aloud in court. Maybe some day I'll mine it for a book of memoirs, after these events are long past and we can all have a laugh about it. Right now, it would be terribly embarrassing.

By the way, I just made a pun. I mention this should anypony accuse me of being humorless. I have a perfectly-good sense of humor. Even if I don't exercise mine as often as does Pinkie Pie her own.

Pinkie Pie is relevant because I'm inviting her along. I don't want Spike to have to hear the details of this. He's more innocent than he pretends to be. And Pinkie has an eidetic memory.

Or Paradise does. I rather suspect that ancient construct will be looking out from her eyes at a moment like this. If I understand its purpose properly, I think it will want to know for itself what really happened to Derpy Hooves. And if I'm right about what really happened, this may head off trouble far worse than anything of which Charlie Yu is capable.

I can also use this as a check on the honesty of Paradise. I will keep my own notes, and if the two diverge too greatly, I may catch it in a lie. I don't fully trust it. Pinkie explained its Three Laws logic to me once, but I could wiggle out of those laws to do what I wanted, and I bet that an immortal magic super-brain can do so as well. I don't think it's hostile to Ponies. However, it may have its own agenda.

I also rounded up Applejack. If one is best friends with a Living Lie Detector, one might as well invite her to an interview. Or interrogation, to be honest, even if a rather relaxed one, I hope.

The first time I asked Derpy what happened, my questioning was very cursory. Just enough to establish that she had been stuck in a hedge and that Charlie Yu did have carnal knowledge of her without her expressed consent. This time, I will ask her for the details. She's calmed down now, so I should be able to learn the answers. And find out the reasons for several matters about this case which have begun to bother me.

Here goes.

(see attached Interview)

Well ... that went as well as could be expected.

I feel as if I've just kicked a little puppy. But then I expected that too.

I feel really dirty. I feel as if the whole world is really dirty. I feel as if my whole species is dirty, and his whole species. I feel as if life is dirty and foul and we should just lie down and let the Shadows take over, because they couldn't possibly be any worse than ourselves.

It's not what Charlie Yu did that makes me so sad. I knew that he treated her like dirt. That didn't surprise me.

It's how Ponies have treated Derpy Hooves. How the Ponies of her own herd have treated her.

How can they be so cruel?

How can we be so cruel?

I feel as if a chasm is yawning at my feet and everything I thought good and safe and wholesome is just a veneer over an open grave teeming with maggots. As if everypony is living a lie.

Is this what life can be like when you're not smart and special and mentored by the most powerful Pony who's ever existed? When you're not born from an old family and taught how to behave so you know what to do -- and what not to do? When you're just ordinary? Or less than ordinary, at least in the eyes of others?

How can we treat her like this?

At least, thank Celestia, none of my friends were involved. I think if they had been I'd just fly out of Ponyville -- maybe south -- and just keep on flying until I hit Antarctica.

It isn't most ponies. Just some. Did they have no comprehension of what they were doing? Did they just not care?

I should just crawl into bed and roll myself up in the blankets and go to sleep. Maybe for a thousand years, until Luna rescues me. Turnabout is fair play, isn't it?

Anyway, I'd probably just have bad dreams, and then maybe I'd wind up talking to Luna sooner than I expected.

But I have work to do.

Celestia, I think you knew. I think you wanted me to learn this lesson.

It's very hard for me to love you right now.

Interview Notes - Annotated Copy Kept By Princess Twilight Sparkle

Location: Subject's residence in Ponyville.

Interviewer: Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Subject: Miss Derpy Hooves
Recorder: Miss Pinkamena Diane Pie
Witnesses: Miss Jacqueline Apple, Mr. Paradise

Comments: This interview is a followup to the initial evidence collected from Subject regarding her alleged rape by the Human, Charlie Yu.

Interviewer: Derpy, are you ready to go over what happened that night with me?

Subject: Ok, sure, Princess Twilight. If you think it will help.

Interviewer: Yes, I think it will help a lot.

Subject: Then, sure.

The version submitted to the Court leaves out so much. How Derpy's whole face, her eyes and ears and mouth and everything just drooped, no collapsed, when she realized what I wanted to talk to her about. It doesn't mention that little Dinky was in the house at first and that when I told her what I wanted, she sent Ditzy off to a neighbor who she knew would watch her because she didn't want Dinky to hear her tell me about what had happened that night.

That says a lot about Derpy Hooves. At what must have been one of the lowest points in her life, she was looking out for her "little Muffin." She wanted her to have better than she'd had, to live a life in which there could be friendship and love and hope for the future. She didn't want her to be -- tainted.

I guessed that much. I even suspected that she didn't want Ditzy to hear that her mother's role in the events of that night had not been entirely involuntary.

But I didn't guess it all. I don't know if I would have had the courage to step into Derpy's living room, with its threadbare couch and brave little attempts at decoration, if I'd known it all.

I wish I could un-know it.

Interviewer: Perhaps you can start by explaining how you wound up stuck in that hedge.

Subject: Sure. I'd been on a late run to Steven, and some plants had slowed me down on the way back ...

Interviewer: Wait, Steven who?

Subject: Steven Magnet.

Interviewer: The river serpent?

Subject (laughed merrily): Yep, that's the one! He's a nice serpent though. He's all big and purple and pretty and has this yellow mustache and ...

Interviewer: I've met him. So you said you were slowed by plants -- weren't you flying?

Subject: Yeah, but I got too close to a tanglevine tree and -- you know how it is?

Interviewer: Sort of. Aren't those things carnivorous?

Subject: Carn-i ...?

Interviewer: They eat animals. Including Ponies.

Subject: Oh yes (giggles). It wanted to eat me. But I didn't let it!

Interviewer: What did you do?

Subject: I got out this machete I always take when I go into the Everfree and I chopped and chopped it until it let go. They do that when you chop them!

Interviewer: I'd imagine so -- um, what if it had grabbed your forelegs so you couldn't chop it?

Subject: I guess I woulda thunk of something! I always do!

Again, the bare facts, even with the addition of dialogue tags to show when she laughed, do not do this justice. One must envision Pinkie and I, sitting in this threadbare little room with Derpy Hooves, her face slowly lighting up from its previous shamed depression as she recounted to us how she had fought for her life against carnivorous plants in the middle of a hell-forest, a place that I venture into freely only because I am a powerful mage -- and, since my experience with that cockatrice, never alone any more.

She was giggling like a happy little filly as she described what must have been the most desperate fight for survival, the tanglevines whipping around her legs and wings, binding her tighter and tighter, hollow vampire thorns digging into her fur, trying to make it through the coat and outer skin to reach her blood vessels and begin draining her very life from her while she was still fully-conscious. A dreadful fate, and only her machete to rely upon. No friends. And if she hadn't been able to get out the machete, she'd have "thunk of something."

She wasn't a powerful mage. She wasn't even the most capable Pegasus. And she went into that forest again and again and again, just to deliver the mail. She went in alone, into a place where she knew there were things willing and able to kill her.

I remembered when I'd first ventured into that forest. Six of us, on a quest to save the world. All of us with special abilities and training. I had thought we were very brave.

She had no special abilities. No special training. Her depth perception was unreliable. She wasn't even that clever.

Yet she did this. Why did she do this? Was it because she was too stupid to grasp the dangers?

Interviewer: Weren't you afraid?

Subject: Scared? Why?

Interviewer: You were being eaten by a tanglevine tree.

Subject (snort-laughs): Nah. I had a machete.

Interviewer: But what if you'd dropped it and you couldn't have thought of any way out?

Subject (takes time to think): I guess it woulda eated me. But that's ok.

Interviewer: What? How would being eaten by a tanglevine tree have been ok?

Subject: I get life insurance through my job.

Interviewer: But ... you'd be dead!

Subject: Sure, but there'd be lotsa money for my little Muffin. She'd be sad but she'd be ok, she'd get to go to good schools, have a good life.

The transcript does not bother to go into the fact that when I fully grasped what she meant, I started weeping Quietly. Pinkie Pie, for her part, wasn't quiet at all. Applejack just looked sad: she frowned, drooped her ears a bit.

I had no idea how Paradise felt about this.

Derpy Hooves knew exactly how dangerous was her job. She knew she was likely to die someday, doing it.

She just didn't care. As long as Dinky was safe, nothing else mattered. And I knew how these government jobs worked. She was getting hazard pay and a big pay-in to a life insurance fund. If she died in the course of her duty -- which she probably would -- her "little Muffin" would be rich. If she lived -- then she'd get to spend all that hazard pay. On Dinky.

Is there a word to describe that simple, careless courage, the courage of a mother who would risk her own life, day after day, to ensure that her daughter would have a better life than she herself had known? We erect no statues to it, sing no songs to it -- but we should. By Tartarus and the Styx, by the older things by which the Ruling Princesses swear, by the Megan and the All-Father, we should!

Derpy Hooves was a heroine. And I hadn't even known it. I'd lived in the same small town as her for over four years now, I'd fought my way with friends at my side every now and then through that same forest, I went to the old castle on a cleared road while she flew into every odd corner of that monster-haunted woods, and before today I had taken her for granted, perhaps thought of her with mild pity or even contempt.

The worst of it was that what she was revealing, with her simple pride in a job well done, was one of the worst things possible for the chance of success of any case against Charlie Yu. The mare who was revealing herself through this episode -- and by other things I asked her which I shall omit from this version -- was no helpless, brainless creature who could easily be intimidated into sexual submission by some Human lout on a Ponyville lane.

She was a tough, canny survivor, someone who fought on a regular basis against things which would have eaten Charlie Yu whole and without difficulty. That she was cute and bubbly and not very bright was irrelevant. The Derpy Hooves I was seeing here was no victim.

I was wrong, of course. Derpy Hooves was a victim.

Just not of violent rape.

Interviewer: Getting back to the night of the incident ... So, you were heading back home after being delayed by your encounter with the tanglevine tree.

Subject: Yeah. And I was in a hurry cause I didn't want to miss the fireworks.

Interviewer: The Summer's End Festival of 1504.

Subject: Well, yeah. (looking puzzled) It was just a week and a half ago, Princess Twilight. Don't you remember?

Interviewer (explains): That was to confirm the date.

Subject: Oh. Gee, you're smart, Princess Twilight. Just like Princess Luna ...

Interviewer: So had you delivered all your mail for the shift?

Subject (looks uncomfortable): Well, no ... see, I'd done all the deliveries for the Everfree run, but there was some local mail I hadn't dropped off. But I was scared I'd miss the fireworks. They had really pretty fireworks! All red and green and yellow with bursts like flowers and ...

Interviewer: So you still had some of the mail, then?

Subject (looks even more uncomfortable): Yeah. And then I dropped the bag when I hit the hedge and I forgot about it until the next day and so the mail was late and I'm never supposed to just leave mail lying around and ... (looks at Interviewer imploringly) ... I'm not going to get in trouble about being careless with the mail, will I? Because I promise to never do it again and ...

Interviewer: Um, I'm pretty sure you won't get into any trouble over this.

I had to pause for a moment to compose myself, because at that point my voice was starting to thicken up and my eyes moisten again. I drew a foreleg across my eyes, then looked at my fellow team mates. Applejack's lip was firmly set, her expression carefully neutral in a way which told me that she was holding in an emotion she considered inappropriate to this formal setting. She's terrible at concealing her feelings to anypony who knows her well, though this can fool strangers. Pinkie Pie looked utterly dejected, a fact that would have been obvious to anypony even if they had not understood the implications of her utterly-straight mane.

I didn't know what, if anything, Paradise was feeling. Or if it even had feelings like Ponies do, though Pinkie Pie had once told me that it cared for all the Daughters of Paradise with a love so intensely pure that very few normal emotions could compare. This was not the exact way Pinkie had phrased it, of course, but I got the gist. After four years, I had acquired a very good listening comprehension of Pinkie-speak. I also suspected from this why most of the Daughters never wed -- I doubted most mere mortal Ponies could match that standard.

Its primary purpose was to protect Ponykind, so I am guessing that it was feeling protective toward Derpy Hooves right now. And angry at Charlie Yu. I was certainly feeling both emotions right now.

Interviewer: Let us get back to the crash. How did you crash into that hedge?

Subject (giggles): Front end first, of course! That's why my rump was sticking out!

Interviewer: No, I mean how did you happen to crash into the hedge?

Subject: Oh, that was because of the mailbags. See, I had only one bag left and it was on my right side so I was a bit off balance. And I can't see how far away things are so good ...

This was because Derpy Hooves suffers from strabismus, the condition commonly called "wall-eyed," and because her eyes do not easily focus on the same point, she has problems with depth perception.

Subject (continues): ... and it was starting to get dark and my landing was off. I smacked into the hedge but I wasn't hurt, you know how when you fly your field keeps you safe as long as you don't hit too hard? Of course you do, you fly too! (*giggles*) But then I was stuck high up in that hedge, my front legs were out one end and my rear legs out the other end with no hooves on the ground and my wings were all folded up inside the hedge so I couldn't fly, and the hedge was thick so I couldn't fall in or it.

This was actually a good and concise description of Derpy's situation. A pegasus (or alicorn) in flight creates a paramagnetic force field which emnates from the flight feathers and wraps around the body. This is why we can breathe without difficulty no matter how fast we fly, and why we can make really rough landings without damage to more than our dignities. The force field spreads out any impact, converting it into an elastic one -- most of the time, a crash feels like falling into a mattress rather than the bone-breaking one it would otherwise be.

If a pegasus could keep that field up on the ground she would be very hard to hurt. Unfortunately, the field only works when one is actually flying -- the only pegasus I've ever seen able to extend her flight field while not flying is Scootaloo, and I still need to do a further study on exactly how she does it. Rainbow Dash is no help here: she is an expert flyer but it's almost entirely intuitive for her; she's not very good at putting her analyses into words.

Derpy couldn't extend her wings while within the hedge, so she couldn't get any paramagnetic propulsion. With her barrel supported by the hedge itself, and her forehooves and hindhooves off the ground, she could not get much traction to move in either direction, and the elastic branches would have compressed and made it difficult for her to wriggle free. Unless some other pony -- or person -- came over to brace against her in some fashion, it would take her a long time to get out of there, and she might get scratched up in the process.

Interviewer: At what time did you become trapped?

Subject: Around, um half past six?

Interviewer: How did you know the time?

Subject: I looked at the Sun before I landed. Sun sets around seven that time of year, and it was almost there. Good way to tell time. I carry a watch but I don't use it that much. Only a few times I really needed it.

Punctuality is one of my teacher's virtues. There was a time when I would have imagined her character to be entirely composed of virtues. At this point in the interview, I wasn't yet angry at anypony: only at Charlie Yu, who was neither a Pony in form nor in heart. At this point in the interview, I still believed our species was special.

Interviewer: So, when you found that you were stuck in the hedge, what did you do?

Subject: Well, I started wiggling. Sometimes you can get out of a tight spot that way. But I couldn't. So then I started hollering for help.

Interviewer: Can you remember what you said when you called for help?

Subject (wrinkling her brow): Um, help like things? Like "Help" and "Can somepony help me?" Like you'd say if you were calling out for help?

Interviewer: Was anypony around?

Subject: Naw, I didn't see no one coming in, everypony was at the festival. And I was going to miss the festival. I was going to miss the fireworks!

Derpy's memories are very tied to her emotions, so when she said this she was almost crying, in the manner of a small filly being denied a promised treat. She was remembering how she felt at that moment, which made me wince, because I knew what was going to happen next.

I did not realize that I was soon to be surprised. Though the surprise was not, all things considered, to be a pleasant one.

Even though I had half-suspected this.

Interviewer: What happened next?.

Subject: I heard someone walking toward me down the lane.

Interviewer: Do you mean "someone" or "somepony?"

Subject (grins): Now you're being silly! I know Charlie Yu's no Pony!

Interviewer: Did you know that it was Charlie Yu at that point?

Subject: Not for sure but he sounded like Charlie Yu.

Interviewer: In what manner?

Subject: Well, when a Pony walks she sounds like clump-clump, clump-clump, clump-clump, you know? And Charlie sounds more like bdump, bdump, bdump, you see?

Interviewer: Yes. I do see.

Derpy would have heard the sound of footsteps approaching, and swiveled her ears around to focus her hearing upon them. We Ponies are semi-obligate quadrupeds with a short walking gait; Charlie is a semi-obligate biped with a very long stride. We sound almost nothing alike when we walk.

And very few creatures walk like Charlie. Most of those who do, like Minotaurs and Diamond Dogs, would be very unlikely to be walking along a quiet lane in Ponyville toward sunset.

Interviewer: What happened next?

Subject: Well, Charlie walked up close to me. But he didn't say anything. Just almost laughed ...

Interviewer: Almost laughed?

Subject: Yeah, like if you hold a laugh in so there's kind of a gaspy sound? (demonstrates) An almost laugh.

Interviewer: I understand. And what else did he say or do?

Subject: Well, he didn't say nothing, so I figured he was embarrassed about the whole thing. And I must've looked pretty funny, all stuck in a hedge like I was! (giggles) So I kind of hinted that I could use some help in getting my hooves on the ground so I could get out.

Interviewer: How did you hint this?

Subject: I said "If only I could get my hooves on the ground," or something like that.

Interviewer: Did you address Charlie Yu by name at this point?

Subject (thinking): No. I don't think I did until I was out of the hedge.

Interviewer: Why didn't you address him by name?

Subject: Well, at first I wasn't sure it was him, see? And then when I was sure, he wasn't saying anything, so I figured he was playing some kind of game so I should play along.

Applejack and I exchanged meaningful glances. We had realized the same thing at the same moment. Applejack is not highly educated in formal terms, but she is one of the most intelligent mares I have ever met, and she has a very strong common sense. And we both knew that the implication of what we had just heard was "consent."

Pinkie Pie was looking puzzled. She is smart, but not overendowed with common sense. And when she heard "game" she was probably thinking "pin the tail on the Pony" or something of that sort. Pinkie Pie loves to play games, but ones far more innocent than impulsive sexual congress in hedges.

It was at this point, of course, that the case against Charlie Yu started to collapse. Not completely, not yet, because Derpy still might have been intimidated by Charlie's behavior.into compliance. I had many more questions to ask her, questions which -- in retrospect -- I am very sorry to have asked..

But from this point on I was almost certain that Derpy Hooves had not, in fact, been raped.

Author's Note

Derpy's recollections are not word-for-word perfect. Pinkie Pie's would be, but Pinkie Pie has certain cognitive advantages not only over Derpy Hooves in this regard, but indeed over most Ponies, including Twilight Sparkle herself.

First big plot twist. I await the torches and pitchforks.