"Two mares walk into a bar..."

by Heavyhauler75622

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 3230

Princess Celestia needed a break. And a wingmare.

Princess Celestia has been running things a LONG time. Even with Luna back, sometimes you need to get out and cut loose. But Luna's running things while you're out. Cadance has her own empire. And you need a wingmare, desperately.
Who are you gonna call?
(Flagged "Mature" due to graphic language, no sex, clop, or gore)

Thanks to Sophiecabra on Deviantart for the inspiration!

Published 2014-03-11 23:20:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-11 23:20:08 UTC

I Tell You What, Princess Twinkie Starbutt McNewWings...

Twilight Sparkle flew into the castle courtyard right on the dot of one forty-five in the afternoon, the time carefully selected to make sure she arrived precisely on time in the throne room of Canterlot Castle exactly at the stroke of two.

It may be a bit much, she thought, but when she was Princess Celestia’s student, she quickly came to understand just how much Celestia did during the day. It seemed almost every minute was filled with one meeting after another. Her holding court in the Throne Room for dignitaries and visitors, and also for the (very) occasional lawbreaker; because both benevolence and justice was meted out in that room. Celestia’s visits to various places in the castle, to speak with ponies who worked for her and Luna, to let them know their efforts were always appreciated by the ruling Alicorns. A sneak into the Royal Bakery for a slice of cake to take back to her apartments, even though she could just have it delivered.

Twilight always wondered how the Alicorn could eat so much sugar and never gain an ounce, up until she started developing her advanced magic skills herself. Thaumaturgy at that level required intense mental concentration and focus, and the lightheadedness from glucose deprivation in the brain always led to headaches and a certain mental drift. Keeping up on sugar intake helped tremendously. And somepony, namely her, hefting Sun up and down twice a day must burn through calories at an astonishing rate.

Just as she turned the corner to start down the last hall to the Throne Room, she caught a familiar scent. Ponies are very sensitive to smells, and even a, well, nerd such as herself still caught and held memories of odors. This one was very strong, and very familiar. Warm, comforting, with a background of tightly controlled power. Twilight stopped, turned right, down an alcove, and found the owner.

“Princess Celestia?” she asked, starting to bow as was customary.

A sun yellow glow enveloped her before she could complete the movement. “Shhh, Twilight, you don’t need to bow to me anymore, remember? You’re a Princess too. A simple curtsy or such would be fine.”

Princess Celestia, Warmth of the Benevolent Sun, Guardian of the Light in the World, and several other equally as impressive titles, glanced furtively around as she spoke. “And please, My Student, keep your voice down!” she whispered harshly.

When it’s your favorite teacher telling you to be quiet, you have a tendency to do so. That imperative becomes even more important when that teacher is one half of the ruling Diarchy of your entire planet. Eyes bulging with surprise, Twilight did so.

Celestia, satisfied that her wish was being complied with to her requirement, dropped the field. Twilight took a deep breath, followed by another. Celestia hadn’t adjusted the field permeability enough to allow her to breathe normally; of course, if she did, she could have talked, which would have defeated the purpose. Still, she was very glad Celestia backed off, rather than smother her.

Celestia kept glancing around surreptitiously, nervously, as though she expected somepony to jump out of nowhere and drag her off.

Celestia? Seriously??

“We need to get out of here, Twilight…”

Celestia teleported them.

With a pop, they appeared in Celestia’s apartment. Celestia relaxed.

“Ooh, that was close!” she said with a heavy sigh.

Twilight looked around a bit. Even after years in Canterlot, she had never been in here. It was smaller than she thought it would be, definitely princess-y, with flowing fabrics similar in colors to Celestia’s mane, lots of curvy furniture in white and gold trim, thick carpeting, and absolutely neat as a pin.

And it didn’t smell like her.

“Uhh…Princess…”

“Yeah, I know. I’ve got a place in Luna’s rooms I actually live in. I lived there while she was…you know. And when she came back, I continued to stay there with her. I missed her terribly, Twi, and she needed me, too. She had bad dreams for awhile, so I watched her and cared for her, and even afterward, it was just better for both of us. I use this place for something else, now.”

Twilight just nodded, too surprised to even speak. This was her teleport target. She used it as a safe transit point.

“Princess Celestia...”

She turned and stared at Twilight sternly. “Cely.”

“Cely?” Twilight said, confused.

“Exactly. Cely. Or Tia, but I like Cely better. We’re going out.”

“Out?” The confusion mounted.

“Yes. Out. Away. Going out into the world. Lock this place in your mind, Twi, just in case you need a refuge. I need a break. Luny is going to run the place while we’re gone and handle Sun and Moon. I need a wingmare for awhile; these walls are going to drive me locoweed if I don’t get away for a bit. Get your shit wired, ‘cause we’re gonna blast out!” Celestia flicked a hairbrush to her from the vanity with her aura, grabbed another, and headed to the bathroom.

Twilight’s jaw dropped as she caught it with hers. Even the vulgarity was shocking. Was she SERIOUS?

Ten minutes later, as Twilight was finishing brushing out her mane and tail a bit from her flight, Celestia came out of the bathroom.

Twilight stared in shock. Princess Celestia had brushed herself out, added mascara and eye shadow, and was that lipstick?

And…glitter??

“Well?” she demanded. Twilight nodded, her anxiety growing.

“Great!” Celestia grinned like a maniac. “Okay, baby, hold onto yer plot, and start flappin', ‘cause here we go!”

There was a sudden pop, and they found themselves flying just above the sidewalk on a street in…Manehattan?

Twilight stared around her, slightly disoriented. Teleporting to familiar places alone could be confusing. But this…?

They touched down gently. Princess Celestia shoved the nearby door open with a brief pulse of her horn. The darkened interior beckoned as the door yawned open.

“Let’s get some!” Celestia yelled, as she shoved Twilight through the doorway with her head; then followed her in, beaming.

Twilight froze just inside the door. A few stallions and mares in the upscale designer bar turned to look at the couple, thoroughly shocked. A few stood and bowed; one perhaps more inebriated stallion than he should have been stumbled as he did so, and ended up flat on his face.

“Oh, fuuck,” Celestia breathed. “When did this place go downhill? Is everypony gonna faceplant themselves instead of buy a pair of gorgeous mares a drink?”

She looked around. “Damn...no jukebox. I’m really in the mood for Cyndi Lopener and, ‘Mares just wanna have fun!’, too.”

She strode to the bar, slammed a hoof on the counter. “Apple whisky. Neat. Double. Get the next one ready, and a very hard cider. Twi, what’cha want?"

“Er…ginger ale?” she said timidly. Celestia snorted loudly.

“Ginger ale and rye for the lightweight, brah. Set ‘em up, we’re here to paartyy!” Celestia said loudly, slamming a trio of twenty bit coins on the top. The bartender stared, terrified.

“What’s the problem, brah?” Celestia asked, as the bartender stood stock still. Her eyes narrowed.

“Princess…” was all he managed to stutter out.

“Fuuck that! Call me Cely, and start pouring, right the Tartarus now! Gotta get the gears lubed!” she bellowed, leaning forward toward him.

“Or would you like a nice, quiet tour of Moon instead?” she said, in her most sweet and kind voice, though the eyes said otherwise.

The bartender moved. Quick.

Cely laughed. “Never fails, that threat.” She turned around, took in the customers, one by one. “Filly, our chances in here are pretty thin. Give it a little, and we’ll see if the choices get any better in this paddock,” she grinned at Twi.

Twilight decided to calmly and rationally talk to Celestia.

“Er…Cely. Is this really a good idea?”

“Twi, you’re not a foal or filly anymore. You get…ideas, don’t you?” She grabbed one of the shooters, gunned it like an expert, swallowed, then gestured for another. Twilight took hers, sipped it, trying to get used to the taste of it, then sat stirring it with the straw, praying for the ice to break it down more. She had a notion it was more heavily loaded with alcohol than usual.

“…Cely…Of course I do. I’m not any different than anypony else. But I’m not sure this is the way to go about it.”

Celestia dropped the next whisky into her mug of cider, then drained it like it was cold mountain spring water. She hooved the mug back, gestured again, as she picked up the shooter.

“Twi, I may not have done you any favors when you got those wings…” she said frankly. Her head picked up and turned toward the door as it opened.

“I’m not sure what you mean...”

“Fuuck.” Celestia said, disgusted. “That latest limp pastern coming in is not a good sign. We may have to bounce, girl, try another bar.”

She turned back to the bar, gunned the next shooter. Twilight's eyes widened even more. Seven drinks in what, ten minutes on the outside? Mare’s gunning to get to Moon by walking there at this rate.

Celestia gestured again for a refill, slapped another twenty bit coin down.

She leaned toward Twilight. “Twi, what’s the most interesting thing about my castle?” she asked, with just a mild hint of distaste.

Twilight thought about it for a few, started to open her mouth…

“I don’t have anypony in it special for me,” she said despondently. “Trust me. The first centennial? Hunky dory, everypony’s all sunshines, sparkles and rutting kittens…*hic*..."

Twilight just kept nursing her drink, not even daring to look at her.

“The second one? You ruutt as many stallions and mares as you want n’ then shomponi calsh you a molester and suddenly you got a new nickname for the next threehunnerd…”

Twilight managed to resist an overwhelming impulse to facehoof. This was definitely getting deep into the uncomfortable zone.

“An then. An then. An then. An then, you do this thing, right? This thing you had to do, but you regret fer the rest of your life. An’ you only do it once. Never again. But ponies say you do it alla featherin’ time. Izzat fair?”

“That ain’t fair.” Celestia stared morosely at her next boilermaker, contemplating when to lock and load.

“I don’t think you send just anypony to Moon, Cely,” Twilight said, calmly and reasonably. She took a longer pull at her drink then she usually did, though.

“Not that! Fuuck! I mean the cake. The cake at the buffet for Toothpastemane’s wedding. Shit. I like cake! They don’t get all up in her face with muffin head about her bakery raids, do they? I have to sneak around to score my fix with MY OWN ROYAL BAKER!”

“It’s probably because ponies are thinking about your own good, Cely.”

“Oh? Who made them the rutting Princess of Know-Butter, um...Better-Than-Celestia-How-To-Live-Her-Own-Life-Land…?”

There was a slurping noise. Twilight looked down. She finished the drink already? She put it back up on the counter, nodded kindly to the bartender, who made a new one in front of her. She picked it up, started back in on the straw. Quickly.

“You and Toothpastemane up there in Shiny City haven’t done shit until you score as a REEEAL Princess! Ay don’ care if she even looks like a fuucken model an shit. Shiny boy ever get a good look at ‘dis,” she said, as she stood up, a little wobbly, and presented herself to the patrons, who gasped in terror, “…an’ that fuucken STUD can ride this plot for weeks! Ah don’ get tired, ahm movin’ a rutting Sun twice a day…I’s got magic muscles that’d squueeeze that stallion dry!”

She dropped the whisky in her cider, slammed it with incredible speed, and then gunned the shooter while the hapless bartender reloaded the others.

“Cely…I think you’ve had enough to drink,” Twilight said, trying to stay composed as she put her empty glass on the bar, the bartender refilling it with a compassionate smile. Celestia, slightly blearily, slapped another twenty bit down.

“Oh, n’ now you’re tinkin’ yer my Doctor, too, ‘cause yer definitely not my Mother!”

“Cely…” Twilight said calmly, picking up the new one and putting half away without a flinch, because she was busy flinching internally with each image her own mind; a very capable, agile, and imaginative mind, came up with concerning her teacher/ruler and her brother being together that way. And various marital aids. Whipped cream and strawberries. A very long, purple, feather boa. She managed to cut it off when the pink fur covered leg hobbles made an appearance, like the ones Pinkie Pie showed her she had once.

And Cadance. Those were blue.

“Yu want sum of this? Think yu can take me? Is that what you’re saying, Princess Twinkie Starbutt McNewWings?”

“Cely…” She looked down, saw her glass was empty. She managed to put it back on the bar. And the bartender, with the greatest of sympathies, lovingly re-filled it.

“Don’ give me any shit, ‘bou you bein’ a fuuckin’ Alicorn naow, yu fuuckin’ cunnt," Celestia said blearily. "Yu don’ get ta pik an’ choose what ya do, PRINNCESS, ya fuckin’ furslotz. I made ya, an’ I cann break ya. Youse SUPOS’TA take on all thes’ fuckinn’ monsters an’ shit, an’ I cet, umm...get...ta rut hard with anyon’ I want, cuz I’m fuckinn HORNY, beyoch, ann I don’ wanna be get’n sum fuckinn with SPITSFYRE an’ THUNNNDURLANE an effen’ FLEETYFOOTS, ‘cuz I gots sumpin ta fix dat lisssp of hers, an hav’ sumponi cun bangin’ mi doors sayin’ ‘Cun an fuuckin hoof up dis’ monster an’ shit, cuz dey wastin’ Ponivil’’, dat’s YURR FUCKINN JOB an shit now, ya fuckinn CUNNT!!!”

“Cely…you don’t mean that.”

Celestia froze for a few seconds, as the thought swam uphill against the alcohol. Give it ten out of ten for it getting through to her brain; it was definitely top of the evolutionary ladder in it's development.

“AW, fuuckit, Twilight…jes am alonely. Allany poni see is Princess…nopony see me, not no mor…everreponi, everriuoni…shit, everypony either tinks Ima made of cut glas, or a fuucken lamp ta rub fer wishes…an I fuucks up, an do it ta you. Ima soori...sorry, pony. Ya’s ta greatest frend. Shimmer’s sa cunnt. Made mistak. Souda jes waited fer you…” as she sobbed. She laid her head down on the bar and started to cry. Twilight moved the drinks to the side, trying to comfort her, as she distressingly petted and stroked Celestia's mane; hanging limply down, flat and powdery in color from her distress.

A patron came up to pick up a pair of drinks for her and her marefriend. “We really should do something about this royalty thing,” she sniffed, watching the two of them. “Such a display of pathetic here.”

Twilight Sparkle, Bearer of the Element of Magic, turned to the Earth Pony, tears flowing down her face as she cried for her teacher’s pain.

Twilight took a long time to get angry, typically.

Not this time.

There was a sudden burst of flame as Twilight exploded into fire, burning without being consumed. The mare shrank back from the heat, and her fear.

“What do you know of being alone?” she said menacingly, spreading her wings, as she moved step by step toward the mare, the drinks on the bar flaming in their glasses as a wingtip brushed along the tops. Including the cider.

“Mercy, Princess!”, the mare screamed, as she groveled to the floor.

Everypony else shrank back.

Twilight saw it, stopped in her tracks, suddenly aware of what she might do to these ponies. The flames went out.

“All of you…LOOK!” she commanded…in the Royal Canterlot Voice.

They looked.

“The Princess of the SUN…YOUR SUN…is in horrible pain and loneliness. For a thousand years, she has raised and lowered the Light of this world. For you. She banished her own sister. To protect you. She has done this because of her love. FOR YOU,” the words twisting into their psyche as the Royal Canterlot Voice once more rang out.

“This is the compassion Manehattan shows to her? Astounding.”

She looked at the back of the head of the mare lying prostrate on the floor. “Get up!!” she shouted.

The mare instantly obeyed.

“I am not the Benevolent Light of this World. I am Twilight Sparkle, the Bearer of the Magic Element of Harmony, the deposer of despots and villains…and I am VERY displeased.”

She leaned in, staring through the eyes of the mare, deep into her soul.

“Celestia is tired, mare. Tired and bereft of a soulmate. But she does her duty by you, everyday. Can you imagine a thousand years of such loneliness?”

She leaned even closer, almost muzzle to muzzle.

“Because if you can’t…if you prove you cannot evolve beyond your own selfish needs in the next scant few minutes…I will come back. And I will show you what such loneliness is like.”

Her muzzle touched the mare’s.

“Moon is currently unoccupied.”

She spun about wrathfully, went to Celestia. Laying a gentle, loving hoof on her neck, Twilight imagined the silly Princess room the lonely being she was touching had long ago outgrown. With a flash, the two of them disappeared.

The mare fainted.

Twilight gently removed the trappings Celestia always wore, set them on the nearby table with reverence. She then levitated the sleeping form of her teacher, laid her in the bed with tender care. Smiling softly, she kissed the wonderful mare on the forehead, just as Celestia had done for her for so many years.

She left the room, stopped in the hall, then went back in, as she levitated the plastic trash bucket out of the bathroom, and placed it next to the bed.

As she closed the door, Twilight came to a decision.

She walked to the Throne Room, went in.

Luna looked up from the paper she was reading, her glasses perched perfectly on her nose.

“Princess Twilight? If I recall correctly, I believe you and Celestia were going out. What has transpired?”

Twilight bowed respectfully and appropriately, then stood back up. “Princess Luna, we did go out. She isn’t feeling too well, though. I left her in that room... you know. She needs some rest.”

Then she smiled brightly. “In fact, I think both of you need time, sometimes. I’d like to learn something.”

“Of course, Twilight. What is it you need? May I help?” Luna said, as she took off the glasses.

“Yes, Majesty. Can you teach me to raise and lower Moon? I think I need to start small, first.”

Luna laughed. “Celestia always says you’re a bright one. I didn’t realize until now just how bright.”

Luna flew off the dais, landed near Twilight Sparkle, the Leader of the Equestrian Heroines. She pointed to the open balcony.

“Well, first, you have to…”

Author's Note

This started with a post on Semper Filly on Facebook...the picture, again. Blame Justin. Then Adam made a post. Mary wanted to voice Cely saying my part, but she worked last night; couldn't do it. Bryce threw in a line. Alex tried, but by then, this was taking form.

Military Bronies understand friendship.

I love you guys.

Crystalheart