Muffins
By Captain Icing: Universe’s Coolest Party Crasher
Edited by Blazelover13
WARNING: This fan-fiction is incredibly bogus and may ruin your admiration of a certain My Little Pony character as well as the bland baked goods. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
The air was humid, or maybe a little warm; it was hard to say. Sure, the sun was shining and everypony in Ponyville was having just an amazing day, but it was still hard to declare just what type of day it was due to there being no TV to watch. A shame, really; the weather channel was always quite a helpful little place to see just what type of weather the day was being declared as. Regardless of how the weather was and how the lack of TVs in Equestria made for quite a sad world, the streets of Ponyville were still as busy as could be. All the multi-colored ponies that looked an awful lot like a hundred other ponies somewhere in the town had something very important to do and had no time to waste. All except Rainbow Dash, of course; her place was everywhere. The tomboyish little Pegasus was so lazy that she considered sleeping one of her daily jobs. Today, Rainbow felt sleepy.
While flying around pointlessly in the sky, as always, Dash gasped and suddenly remembered something of the utmost importance. She was supposed to meet Pinkie Pie in five minutes…or was that ten? She honestly couldn’t remember and really didn’t care; being a minute or two late didn’t hurt anyone. Flapping her wings energetically, Dash zipped straight towards Sugarcube Corner, pausing now and then to gaze arrogantly upon the sky that she had just flown across so majestically. She didn’t bother to stop and think about how sad or upset Pinkie might be if she was late. What would she do; strap her down with chains and use a knife and hacksaw to decapitate her body to use for cupcakes? Yeah, as if; Pinkie would understand just how important it was for Dash to observe her own flying techniques, since she was naturally the greatest pony in all of Equestria.
Dash posed to get a good look at herself in the glass windows of Sugarcube Corner, then smiled proudly and waltzed right into the store. She was immediately greeted by a burst of papers exploding in her face and knocking her over backwards. “Hey, you’re here! I’ve been waiting ALL day for you!”
“Sorry if I’m a little late, Pinkie,” Dash apologized, shaking her head free of the odd pieces of papers that she had been buried in, which turned out to be envelopes, “I was busy admiring myself in the sky and…uh, you’re not Pinkie.”
Standing before Dash was not Pinkie Pie, but rather a blondish pony with a bluish gray coat. Dash had no idea who she was, especially since her eyes were askew and not in the right position. “No, I’m not Pinkie; my name is Derpy! Derpy Hooves, in fact!”
“Uh…no offense, but…how in the world did you get a name like THAT?” Dash asked, getting to her hooves and looking at the pony standing before her with curiosity.
The blonde pony shrugged and started to randomly scoop up her envelopes. “I dunno. Here I was, just minding my own business with my googly-eyes and watching you and your friends do crazy things, and the next thing I know, I get a letter stating that the fans wanted me to have this name.”
“Yeah…that’s nice, but…uh, I’m actually waiting for my friend, Pinkie Pie,” Dash continued, looking a bit uncomfortable to be standing with such an oddball, “Have you seen her?”
“Nope, I sure haven’t, but would you like a muffin?” Derpy asked, suddenly pulling a muffin out of nowhere and handing it over to her fellow Pegasus pony.
“…how in the world did you just pull this out of nowhere?”
“I dunno, but just eat it, okay?”
Deciding to throw caution to the wind and eat this muffin that this strange pony had just offered her, Dash shrugged and tossed the pastry into her mouth. She chewed a bit and swallowed. Not bad, but not very good, either. Really, the muffin was kinda bland; surely it hadn’t come from Sugarcube Corner, since they would NEVER serve such a bad treat like this to the public. But, to be polite, Dash just forced a smile and nodded at Derpy, who had failed to pick up any of her envelopes.
“Well, thanks for that, but now I kinda have to go and find my friend,” Dash said.
“No, actually, you get to take a nap now!” Derpy giggled, shaking her tail excitedly as she looked at Dash. The blue Pegasus was puzzled by what she meant by this. Sure, she was tired, but no more than usual. A few minutes passed with the two Pegasus ponies staring awkwardly at each other, but nothing happened. Well, a random fly did land on Dash’s ear and she was forced to slap it away because it was irritating her, but that was about it.
“Uh…Derpy…can I go now?” Dash asked. Frowning and twirling her yellowish eyes around, Derpy reached into her mailbag, that just happened to be sitting next to her, and pulled out a package. It was addressed to Rarity, but Derpy ignored that and opened the package anyway. Inside was a priceless ceramic vase, the finest quality that money could buy. Rarity had worked hard to save enough money to buy this useless item; apparently, being the arrogant and egotistical little pony that she was, she felt like owning such a magnificent urn would somehow make her seem more rich and extravagant than she really was. It indeed was a very lovely vase.
“See this vase, Rainbow Dash?” Derpy asked, holding up the priceless urn in front of the Pegasus.
“Um…yes?”
“Now,” Derpy re-informed her, “You take a nap.”
With that, Derpy smashed the vase over Dash’s head, obliterating it into a million pieces and instantly making Dash go lightheaded. A wave of stunned dizziness washed over her, the world spinning around and around her head, and seconds later she collapsed onto the floor. It was probably a good thing that there were no pieces of glass from the broken vase under her when she fainted.
When Dash regained consciousness, she found herself in a dark room. Well, it wasn’t really THAT dark; she could still see some shadows here and there, and there was some light streaming in through some cracks on the wall. So, just saying that it was a plain dark room wasn’t truly accurate. Then again, it didn’t really matter, since for the most part it was dark and that’s all that mattered. She tried to move her body, but found that she was held firmly in place by what felt like cheap elastic bands. Before she could fully understand just what in the world was going on, Derpy Hooves jumped into her line of light. Sadly, when she did so, she clumsily fell flat on her face.
“OW! That hurt!” Derpy whined, getting back up onto her hooves and rubbing her cheeks, “I was just about to get started with you, too…now I went and hurt my face!”
“By the looks of things, you should be used to it,” Dash said sarcastically, “Oh, and…could you please tell me what’s going on and why I can’t move?”
“I think that’d be obvious, since I tied you down using some new elastic bands that the post office got in the other day,” Derpy chided, “I wanted to see how strong they were in holding down a strong pony like yourself; apparently, they’re doing a good job!”
“Okay…but WHY exactly am I tied down? And…did you hit me over the head with a vase?”
“Yep! Sorry, the muffin I gave you was supposed to knock you out instead, but I think I got my orders mixed up. Oh, the post office is SO gonna fire me if I keep screwing things up!”
Dash’s eyes drooped and her face contorted in annoyance. She was bordering on rage by this point, to be honest. Not only was she missing her appointment with Pinkie, but she had just been conked over the head by some background pony who seemed to somehow be famous, and now she was tied down in some basement place against her will and by something as stupid as elastic bands. This just was not her day; she probably should’ve rested more and gathered her strength.
“Okay, seriously…Derpy, was it?” Dash frowned, struggling in her simple bindings, “Here’s the deal. You let me go, and I don’t hurt you. How does that sound?”
In response, Derpy leaned back her head and laughed hard…just before sneezing violently and rubbing her nose with her front left hoof. “Excuse me; sorry about that…it’s dusty down here. What were you saying now, Rainbow Dash?”
“I was saying that you can either let me go right now and we forget this ever happened, or I get physical and show you why you shouldn’t mess with the best flier in all of Equestria.”
“Oh, Dash,” said Derpy, “You’re so funny! You’re all tied up and you’re trying to tell ME what to do? Oh, that makes me just want to…laugh!” And, with that, she tilted back her head and laughed again, although this time no sneeze followed.
“I am gonna kill somepony in a moment,” Dash snarled, gritting her teeth and pulling at her bindings with such fervor that it was shocking that her anger alone didn’t bust them apart. It was at that moment that the lights somehow just magically came to life to illuminate the mostly-dark room. Dash’s eyes widened in horror at the image presented to her. The room was decorated in a typical but twisted post office flair. Piles of boxes were thrown all over the room, with some type of ominous red liquid seeping from their moldy edges. Bubble wrap was strewn from the ceiling, half of them popped and half of them still intact; the sheer terror of seeing such a thing was horrifying. What looked like a pony’s corpse was mummified in the corner with cellophane. Decorated skulls, bones, and cutie marks were resting atop dusty piles of Styrofoam and polystyrene. Hanging from the rafters, amidst a banner made from what looked to be several tanned pony hides, were the words “Life is Derpy”, all scrawled out in poorly-written blood-red letters.
“You like the decorations?” Derpy giggled, “I made them myself!”
“Derpy…are you some kinda serial killer disguised as a postal worker and I’m your next victim?” Dash gulped, staring at the blonde pony in horror.
“Oh, Dash, you’re so cute how you jump to such interesting conclusions like that!”
“I’m…not hearing you deny it.” Dash was starting to shiver in horror; she felt like she was in some kind of sick, twisted movie, or possibly story. How could this be happening?
“Hey, don’t be scared!” Derpy scolded, “If you don’t stop shivering, I’ll have to do something that one of us will regret!” Then, once again out of nowhere, the Pegasus produced a poorly-painted blue and yellow skull. It was about pony-sized, but it had a mostly-defining feature: a beak.
“Oh…my…God!” Dash shrieked, “Gilda!”
“What, Dash?” Gilda asked, stepping out from behind Derpy and rolling her eyes, “Ugh, looks like you’re still just as lame as when I left you. Sad, really. I’m just here to pick up the skull I ordered; I wanted one that looked bird-like, since it’ll look so cool on my shelf back home.”
“Thank you for your business, ma’am,” Derpy said, handing over the skull, “We got your payment perfectly, but I’m sorry you had to come all the way here to get this...um, I’m still not very good at delivering things.”
“Yes, I can tell, and that’s seriously uncool,” Gilda sighed, taking the skull and smirking at it, “But, whatever; I got what I wanted. See ya, Dash; try to get over your lame spell, alright?” And, with that, Gilda vanished just as quickly as she had appeared, leaving Dash more confused than ever.
“Okay, now that that shipment is taken care of, it’s time to go ahead with the FRESH shipment!” Derpy grinned, excitedly walking back up to Rainbow Dash. Slowly, the blonde Pegasus reached behind the table or whatever the heck it was that Dash had been taped down on and wheeled out a metal cart. On the cart was several instruments, including some scissors, some glue, some masking tape, some duct tape, a box-cutter, a letter-opener, and a sharp knife used for opening tough boxes. Dash turned a deathly pale as she watched Derpy grinning in delight while looking over her toys.
“Could you…please…explain to me…WHY I’m here?” Dash screamed, now looking more frantic than ever, convinced she was in the presence of a psychotic pony who was a monster on the inside and an angel on the outside. In response, Derpy picked up the knife and slowly waved it around in front of Dash’s face, giggling in delight as she watched Dash’s horrified eyes following the knife back and forth. Then, Derpy reared back with the knife as her eyes looked down straight at Dash’s heart. Rainbow Dash shrieked and closed her eyes as Derpy lunged forward.
“And…done!” Derpy cheered, walking back in front of the trembling Rainbow Dash with her now-open cardboard box, “Hey, Dash, why do they call it a jigsaw puzzle? It’s not a jig to do, since they’re SO hard, and it certainly doesn’t have anything to do with a saw. I just don’t get it; can you help me out here?”
Dash, terrified and gasping so hard that her chest was heaving up and down, slowly fluttered her eyes open. There were no wounds anywhere on her athletic and important body. Instead, Derpy Hooves was sitting in front of her fellow Pegasus with an empty shipping box with the knife stuck in it next to her. On the floor in front of Derpy was a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle, which apparently had been sent without the box. Dash was left dumbfounded and speechless.
“Ugh, this is SO annoying!” Derpy whined, “They didn’t even send the picture; how am I supposed to know what I’m making here? All the pieces look the same! Ooooh, this makes me so mad that I just want to…want to…cut something!”
Derpy’s eyes flashed angrily as she glared up at Dash with a hungry expression, once again leaving the terrified Pegasus whimpering and planning for the worst. Reaching for her tray of toys, Derpy grasped the scissors and held them as one would hold a dagger, the deadly shears and points facing downwards. With a manic grin, Derpy pointed the scissors at Dash on her prison table.
“Hey, Dash,” she piped up, “Think fast!”
With that, Derpy did a clumsy backflip in the air with her wings and hurled the scissors like a kunai straight towards Dash. The scissors twirled in the air, its deadly blades gleaming in the light as they rushed straight at Dash’s throat. Her voice screaming and echoing around the world, Dash’s eyes rolled up into her head as she was unable to catch her breath and she blacked out before the scissors ended up making contact.
Dash awoke with a groan; being pinned down on a hard table for so long was taking a toll on her back. The stench of bananas filled her nostrils as her eyes swam into focus. She saw a very giddy Derpy Hooves manically slicing up a horde of bananas on another table in front of her, using the scissors expertly to slice the bananas into perfect lengths. As soon as she saw that Dash had woken up, the pony pouted and threw down her scissors.
“Didn’t anypony teach you any manners? It’s very rude to fall asleep when someone is just about to make you a banana milkshake!” Derpy scolded, walking up to Rainbow Dash and putting her hooves on her hips while standing on her hind legs, “How would YOU like it if I were to go to your house and take one of your books and start reading it, but then I fall asleep halfway through because it was SO boring and I was SO not interested in your feelings! Yeah, is that what you want? You want me to show you just how mean I can be?”
“Derpy…first off, you’re insane,” Dash said weakly, “Second…that example of yours made absolutely no sense whatsoever.”
“Humph…some ponies,” Derpy sighed dramatically, walking back over to her sliced bananas. She reached into one of the random shipping boxes thrown around the room and pulled out a blender a moment later. With a little grin, she hooked it up and proceeded to add in ice cream, bananas, and milk. While Dash struggled once more at her wimpy restraints, silently cursing herself for being too weak to pull out of such pathetic bindings, Derpy whipped up a large banana milkshake.
“There we go! I got these bananas in a shipment from somewhere in the Everfree Forest,” Derpy said, walking up to Dash with the blender in her hooves, “They should be very fresh; here, try it!” She then forced the top of the blender into Dash’s mouth and tilted it backwards, forcing her to drink down some of the banana milkshake. Dash gagged, but swallowed every bit down that Derpy forced into her mouth. She seemed to like it.
“Mmm…it’s not bad,” Dash admitted, licking her lips when Derpy pulled the blender away, “It might need a little sugar, though, to make it sweeter.”
“You think so, too?” Derpy smiled, setting the blender back down on her table and shaking her head. “Sadly, that’s the least of your worries now. I’m sorry, Dash, but I’m afraid that the games are over. It’s time for me to get serious.” While Dash once again looked horrified and started to squirm in her bindings, Derpy turned her attention to a small can that had just appeared on the tray. She removed the lid, revealing that it was filled with nice, long feathers. Derpy carefully picked up several feathers in her hooves and slowly moved towards Dash on her restraining table.
“No…uh, Derpy!” Dash screamed, having almost forgotten her name, “NO! NO!”
Now turning deadly serious, Derpy laughed insanely and twirled her skewed eyes around manically as she lunged and landed hard on top of Dash, causing the Pegasus to gasp and nearly get the wind knocked out of her. Derpy was quick, and she soon started to tickle all of Dash’s body parts with the feathers. Her hooves, her armpits, her neck, her stomach, her thighs, everywhere; there were no places that Derpy’s feathers couldn’t reach. Dash burst out laughing and crying and begging.
“PLEASE, STOP! PLEASE, PLEASE STOP!”
Derpy rolled her eyes…well, she was always rolling her eyes, so that was nothing new. After several minutes of nonstop tickling, Dash was left exhausted and limp on her prison, leaving Derpy apparently satisfied. Dash was certainly fun to torture, and the insane little blonde pony wasn’t done with her yet. She wouldn’t be leaving that mostly-dark little room for a long, long time…if at all. Next, Derpy trotted over giddily and reached into yet another shipment box, Dash gasping and moaning on her table and just wanting to go home. However, a moment later, Derpy returned to the table and gave Dash a leery grin while peering down at her. In each of her hooves was a hoof-buzzer.
“Hey, Dashy, how about a big HUG?” Derpy laughed, wrapping her hooves around the other Pegasus a moment later. Instantly, as each of her front hooves struck Dash’s backside, a bunch of weak zaps rocketed through her body, making her yelp and having her mane and tail stand on-end. Derpy just laughed and laughed, her insane laughter echoing through the entire creepy room while she continued to zap Dash nonstop with her hoof-buzzers. From the tickling and now zapping, Dash’s body was once more on the fritz, and she fainted one more time a moment later.
After about five minutes, give or take, Derpy let Dash go and removed her hoof-buzzers. The blonde Pegasus giggled as she watched Dash’s frizzled hair puffing up all over the place, making her mane and tail look just as wild as Pinkie’s.
“Dash? Dash? Hey, Rainbow Dash, wake up!” Dash groaned and managed to give a weak affirmative that she was listening, but she didn’t feel like opening her eyes. Derpy curiously lifted up one of Dash’s eyelids and looked at the pupil underneath, then allowed the eyelid to slap back down into place. “Alright, enough is enough! Looks like Derpy has to get all physical with you!”
Dash forced her eyes open and drearily watched Derpy flutter behind a large pile of the boxes that oozed with some of the red junk that looked a lot like blood. Slowly, the blonde Pegasus trotted back out, clutching a needle in her hoof and giving Dash an evil grin.
“In a few minutes, you will never be the same again, Dashy,” Derpy whispered, bouncing over towards the tired Pegasus, “In a few minutes, you won’t recognize yourself. In a few minutes, you will no longer be Rainbow Dash. In a few minutes, I’ll hopefully stop saying ‘in a few minutes’ and just do it.”
Dash started to bawl her eyes out. “Pinkie…er, I mean, Derpy?” she choked out.
“Yeah?”
“I want to go home now, please,” Dash sobbed.
“Hmm…well, I want a bigger part on the show, but you don’t see me getting MY wish, do you?” replied the postal pony, “Sometimes, I just wanna give up, just say ‘I’m done being a background pony; I’m onto bigger and better things’ and walk right off the set! But, you know what? You’ve got to pull yourself up and meet the challenges head-on! I seriously don’t see what that has to do with anything in this situation, but nevertheless, it’s the only way you’re gonna get ahead in life!”
“That…made no sense…at all!” Dash whimpered, hanging her head and crying. The poor pony just wanted to die. Just lasting one more minute in Derpy’s presence was the worst torture ever.
With one more insane giggle, Derpy clutched her needle and walked right up to Rainbow Dash’s side. Knowing that she was probably gonna be drugged or poisoned, the Pegasus slowly closed her eyes and expected the big sleep to happen any moment. She thought of her close friends…all of whom were not as great as her, but were still her friends nonetheless. There was Twilight, the brainy and annoying. Rarity, the arrogant and egotistic. Applejack, the strong and stupid. Fluttershy, the shy and pathetic. Pinkie…oh, how Dash longed to see her friend’s face again. She would never see it again now. Just the thought that she would not be there for her friend’s appointment made her start to cry again. Pinkie, could she ever forgive Dash?
“And…done!” Derpy smiled, stepping away from Rainbow Dash a moment later, “Hey, Dashy, open your eyes! Say hello to the new you!” Confused, Dash slowly opened up her eyes and looked up at her left arm, since it was tingling a bit. There, embedded into her skin, was a tattoo of a cupcake.
“I told you that you’d never be the same again!” Derpy laughed, “I told you that you wouldn’t recognize yourself! I told you that you’d no longer be Rainbow Dash! You are now Rainbow Dash…with a cupcake tattoo on her arm!”
Dash heard her tormentor, but she pretended she didn’t. Seeing the girly cupcake tattoo on her arm, which would be there forever, slowly started to send Dash into hysterics. Her left eye started to twitch, her heart began pounding out of her chest, her teeth began grinding against each other, and she began seeing red. It wouldn’t be long now.
“You know, Rainbow Dash, I’m SO glad we had this time to just ourselves!” Derpy gushed, turning away from the enraged pony and starting to clean up, “I was really worried about how you would react to my living environment. I mean, that pony doll wrapped in cellophane seems to be a real turn-off to anyone I bring down here; it’s not my fault that it’s my new mummy doll! And all these bones, skulls, and cutie marks…it’s not my fault that folks from the Everfree Forest order weird things and I have to hold them here. Sheez, you’d think that a postal pony’s place would be a saint haven or something? I’m very sorry I had to tie you up and stuff, Dashy, but it was the only way I could finally make a friend on this crazy show and…um, Dash?”
Derpy had turned back around to look at her supposed new best friend, but she was no longer in her restraints. In fact, she wasn’t anywhere to be seen. The knife that Derpy had used to open up her jigsaw puzzle box was also missing. The last thing Derpy Hooves felt was a flutter of wings behind her back and a deep, angry rasping from an enraged mouth.
Then, she was gone.
Pinkie Pie huffed a bit and paced back and forth. She had been waiting for hours for Rainbow Dash, but she still hadn’t showed. She knew that Dash liked taking her time, but this was ridiculous.
“Sorry I’m late, Pinkie!” Dash cried out, flying in a moment later and playfully tackling her friend from behind.
“Dash! Oh, thank goodness, I was starting to worry!” Pinkie squealed, happily hugging her best friend back, her eyes sparkling in delight, “What happened to you?”
“Well…” Dash began, slowly looking behind her back.
“Dashy, how could you?” Derpy cried, rushing up a moment later and crying, “This muffin tattoo you put on my forehead is hideous! How could you do such a thing? I thought we were friends!”
“Sorry, but I think I’ve got all the ‘friends’ that I could ever want, thank you,” Dash smirked, wrapping an arm around Pinkie’s back and snickering at her friend’s confused expression, “But, hey, if you want a friend, you can always just MAKE one…I’m sure you could use some of your postal supplies to make yourself one.”
“But…but…what about this muffin?” Derpy whimpered, pointing at the tattoo on her forehead.
“The muffin can wait; you’ve got a friend to make.”
