Episode 1/?: Harmony Forges For the First Time
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MLP: The Worst Abridged Parody
Episode 1/?: Harmony Forges For the First Time
Okay, so here's the lowdown. There were once these two unicorn-things that had wings. One was named... uh, Celestia. The other was called Luna. Celestia raised the sun or whatever while Luna did the moon, I guess. One day, Luna got all jealous or something and she turned evil. She called herself Nightmare Moon. So, Celestia had to pull out the Elements of Harmony and banish her into the moon for a thousand years.
And that's it. Yeah. Oh, and uh, P.S. She's coming back soon... like tomorrow.
"Huh," hummed Twilight.
...
In an instant, she was galloping in panic. "Oh my GAW-!"
~My little ponies, My little ponies
Ah, ah, ah,~
"Okay, let us skip this part," said a straight-haired Pinkie Pie, "It is not my favorite. Mm-hm hee hee hee hee."
Spike was humming to himself, all set to head over to Moon Dancer's birthday party. But before he could even reach the door, it smashed open. The resulting swing sent the poor baby dragon flying backward. Something cracked the instant his flight ended.
"Spike?" called Twilight from outside the doors, "Spike? Spike!"
The young dragon rubbed his head as he sat up. Although his expression seemed to be less of surprise and more of an expectancy.
"Oh, there you are." Twilight galloped past him and up the stairs. "Get off the floor. We have work to do."
As she mumbled something about a crossbow, Spike slowly followed after her. It only took him a couple seconds to realize that his wrapped gift had been shoved around his tail.
"Spike, get me some tape!" ordered Twilight.
Spike managed to twist his tail around to remove the gift. However, its destroyed contents made quick friends with the floor.
"Well," he started replying, "This was going to be a present for Moon Dancer, but..."
"Spike, the thousandth Summer Sun Celebration is tomorrow!" she exclaimed, "Do you know what that means?"
"But we're on break," he complained.
"That s**t is about to go down!" she shouted, causing him to topple head-over-feet for the second time that day. Though, he made record time in recovering.
"Okie dokie," he said with a nod and he put his quill to work on the scroll in his claws. "Hold on... preci-... preci-..." He looked to his boss for help.
"Spike, Spike, Spike." Twilight gave a quick, artificial smile before commanding, "Shut up."
With that, Spike continued writing the letter to the princess in silence.
"Say something?" she asked, even though he didn't say anything. But just to be sure, she added, "Yeah, that's what I thought."
Not one minute later, Spike belched up a flash of green fire. This fire swirled around in purplish-green smoke before solidifying in a new scroll. This scroll had Princess Celestia's seal.
"Well, what's it say?" Twilight asked impatiently.
Spike cleared his throat before reading out loud. "My dearest, most faithful student Twilight, you know that I value your diligence and that I trust you completely."
Twilight smirked.
"But you simply must stop reading those dusty old books!"
The gasp that Twilight released sounded like she had just been slapped on the *ss.
"Oh hey, a local!" Twilight exclaimed as she hurried off the carriage. "Hey, you! Where do you keep the food?"
The pink pony's eyes opened wide as she leaped into the air. "Agh! It's the confiscators! Run for your lives, yes." The 'local' made a zip-line getaway.
"The hell?" wondered Twilight.
Spike skimmed over the list. "Summer Sun Celebration official overseer's checklist. Item number one is banquet preparations at... Sweet Apple Acres."
Twilight, however, completely ignored her assistant and trotted right up to the first pony she saw on the premises.
"Hi, the name's Twilight Sparkle," she said, "Where do you guys keep the food?"
Instead of a piece of helpful information, like where the food was kept, she received a rigorous earthquake session. The first step was figuring out how to stop one front hoof from being shaken by two of the peasant's hooves.
"Well howdy, Twilight!" greeted the peasant energetically, "Name's Applejack, but everyone just calls me AJ." She took a closer look while still somehow shaking the newcomer's hoof. "Hey, you sound familiar. You sure we ain't never met before?"
Twilight miraculously pulled out of her imitation of a massage chair and turned around. "All right. Later, Applejack*ss."
Applejack waited until her target was out of sight before letting out a sigh of relief. "Thank Celestia she did not hear my accent slip."
"Hmm." Spike tapped his pencil against Celestia's checklist as he walked. "There's supposed to be a Pegasus pony named Rainbow Dash clearing the clouds."
Not a full minute after he said that, Twilight was tackled by a light blue blur. Next thing she knew, she was buried mane-deep in wet mud. On the bright side, the blur was more identifiable as a Pegasus pony. Said Pegasus chuckled to herself, although her voice sounded suspiciously in the lower tenor range.
"I am a female!" (s)he declared, "Also, I am sorry about knocking you into the mud."
Twilight only groaned a rebuttal as she lifted her face out of the mud.
"Here," said the Pegasus, "Let me show you how sorry I am!"
Her blue blur quickly became the visible-light spectrum in the shape of a cyclone. Her apologetic action, however, switched a dirty look of Twilight into a grumpy pony from the sixties.
"Who the hell are you?" wondered Twilight aloud.
"I am the one and only Rainbow Dash!" Rainbow patted her chest before flying up to her napping cloud.
"Hey!" Twilight shouted, "Get rid of these clouds!"
"Why should I just drop what I'm doing to follow your orders?"
Twilight hid a grin. "I'll buy you as much liquor as you want."
The Pegasus quickly assumed her blue blur form before kicking every cloud in the sky into submission.
"How was my time?" Rainbow asked before landing gracefully on the bridge.
"Yeah, I lied about the alcohol," said Twilight while turning around to leave. "Later."
The scene cut right to the interior of town hall.
"Next item is 'Decorations'," read Spike before he looked up. "Beautiful."
"So this is the place, then," muttered Twilight before Spike pointed out the white unicorn in the room.
"This one is too shiny," commented the other unicorn as she levitated a golden ribbon away. "Too blue." She floated a blue ribbon out of sight. "Why do I even have this one?" A green ribbon left her general vicinity.
Little, pink valentines filled Spike's eyes before he started patting himself with a once-over. "How are my spines? Are they straight?"
"I am the only serious dressmaker in this town," said the creature of Spike's current affection, "That is the joke." She turned around and flinched at the sight of Twilight's afro. "My gosh. Your coiffure looks like crap."
"Yeah, that's true, huh?" Twilight asked with force behind her question. "Hey! Do something about it!"
"Eh, whatever," said the unicorn who is just going to be called Rarity from now on, "I didn't have anything better to do." She started pushing Twilight all the way to her boutique. Meanwhile, Spike did his best Miles Prower impersonation while following them.
After a few flops, Rarity finally found a gem-filled outfit that brought out Twilight's eyes. Additionally, Twilight's mane was back to its original style.
"Perfect, you look gorgeous," said Rarity in a flat-tone despite the fact that her eyes were glowing and her hooves were hugged over her chest in giddiness.
Well, the voice isn't too great, but her good looks make up for it, thought Twilight.
"All right," said Rarity while putting her hooves back on the floor. "That's going to ring up to-"
"Wait, I have to pay?" Twilight opened her eyes wide in horror. "In that case, quick! Let's get the hell out of here!"
Although Spike was lost in his crushing emotion, he quickly found himself on Twilight's back.
Spike let out a content sigh. "Wasn't she wonderful?"
"Yeah, if you say so," replied Twilight half-heartedly, "Are we done yet?"
"Oh!" Spike cleared his throat, "Uh, music. It's the last one."
A pleasant choir of tweeting birdies caught their ears. As Twilight and Spike rounded a bush, they could see the treeful of the singing avians. Upon closer inspection, however, one blue jay was singing about half a beat out of pace with the rest. The Pegasus nearby took first notice.
"Um, excuse me, Mr. Blue Jay," she said, "but that's not how we sing for the princess. If you don't get back on the right tempo, I'm going to have to offer your soul as a sacrifice to the birdie bonfire."
The blue jay looked at her. She looked back at the blue jay. The blue jay stared at her. She stared at him.
A choir of a very different sort sang. The Pegasus that we're just going to call Fluttershy observed her new fiery sacrifice.
"~Like fire," she sang, "Blue fire, your birdie soul retired.~"
Despite the disturbing mental image that would scar the newcomer for life, Twilight boldly stepped forward. "Yo! You're in charge of the music?"
Fluttershy fluttered to ground level before muttering, "Don't make eye contact. Do not make eye contact."
"Yeah, sorry about the birds," Twilight hastily apologized, "Are you in charge of the music?"
Maybe if I just pretend to be an introverted, antisocial person, she'll go away, thought the Pegasus.
"I'm Fluttershy. Please leave."
"Don't mind if I do." Twilight smiled as she turned around. Spike decided it was safe enough to walk out of the bushes.
"Wait!" exclaimed Fluttershy suddenly. She galloped over and practically punted the purple pony partly away. "That's a cute baby dragon."
"Well, well, well." Spike smirked.
"I just want to hug him and love him in ways that my father never showed me any love," cooed Fluttershy.
Twilight slammed the door. "My god, I am sick of this town."
"Hmph," Spike harrumphed, "Rude much?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Twilight waved dismissively. "Now shut up and help me install these new security turrets I got from Aperture. Now where are those g*dd**n lights?"
*click*
The two quickly found themselves surrounded on all sides by an entire army of party-going ponies.
"Ah, son of a beach," Twilight swore.
"Hello!" greeted the pink local from earlier, "I am so glad that your filthy horn as well as the rest of you made it to the party, yes. But watch out! Rumor has it someone is trying to get you."
Ah, great, Twilight thought disgust with a sigh while trotting, It's a Soviet. If only I were still working with the CIA...
But the pink one (that we're just going to refer to as Pinkie for the sake of ~~lazy writing~~ convenience) simply giggled and hopped after the disgruntled unicorn. Said unicorn poured out a drink, but she couldn't even get her mouth near the straw before being visually invaded by the five schmucks she had run into that day.
"So, how are you finding Ponyville?" wondered Pinkie.
"That's it!" Twilight stomped up the stairs. "I'm going to bed."
"Wait!" called Pinkie, "You haven't even taken a sip of the poison- er, I mean... the finely chosen assortment of beverages, yes."
"Didn't you just eat one of the cupcakes drenched in your 'finely chosen assortment'?" wondered the obviously (fe)male Dash.
"Yes." Pinkie smiled before shoving another clearly non-toxic pastry into her face. She then promptly vomited.
"Come on, Twilight," insisted Spike while comically wearing a lampshade over his whole head, "Pinkie's starting 'pin the tail on the pony'! You want to play?"
"Wait 'til they run out of bullets!" yelled Twilight. Her ears were shoved under a pillow, unable to hear her assistant clearly.
Spike, however, just rolled with her boss's ignorance. "You really should lighten up, Twilight. It's a party." The dragon then proceeded back downstairs to resume his session of fun.
After tossing, turning, and listening to her newly installed turrets for a few minutes, Twilight stared out the window to the night sky.
"I might be forgetting something," she muttered. She then started pacing her room trying to figure out what that something could have been. "Hm... nope."
"Princess Celestia!" Mayor Mare proclaimed proudly. The platform, however, was empty.
"Um, that's not supposed to happen," Rarity commented. Simultaneously, four stars aligned with the moon's surface.
"Aw, crap," muttered Twilight, "I just remembered."
A dark indigo smoke cloud filled the platform before materializing as one big, black pony. Her attire and eyes completed her intimidating appearance. Seriously, they'd never even consider selling horse-toys of this entity unless a larger, slightly more mature audience insisted on it.
"Saaaaand," hissed the armored pony. "I will ruin you all."
"I have found my new waifu." Pinkie's eyes widened. "Mm hm hee hee hee hee."
Applejack quickly shoved an apple in her pink friend's face. "Darn it, darling. This is no time to be talking about getting her done."
"Saaaaand," Nightmare Moon (That's what we're calling her. Deal with it.) hissed again.
"Is that your catchphrase or something?" wondered Rarity while trying to back away from Nightmare Moon's touchy-feely mane of smoke.
"Balls to the walls about whatever you say!" scoffed Nightmare, "I could kill you all if I want. But I'll run away!"
Well, she didn't actually run away. She actually swirled into her vortex... cloud... smoke... thing form before proceeding to whisk out the front door.
"Get to the frigging point!" yelled everyone (except for Spike who had fainted on Twilight's back).
All right, all right. Anyway, Rainbow Dash flew out after the cloud, but quickly lost sight of it against the night sky.
"What the hell just happened?" she asked as much to herself as to any pony that was within earshot.
Somehow, all of the important characters convene in the library while the rest of Ponyville's population... does their usual thing.
"Anything we can do to help, sugarcube?" wonders Applejack.
"All right," Twilight says with a sigh, "I'm not the best at social interaction, but here's the situation. This *eff*er known as Nightmare Moon is trying to take over Equestria and if that happens, the sun won't ever come up again and I won't have a job. So will you guys help me out?"
"Hey," interrupted Pinkie Pie while browsing the 'T' section, "Why don't we bring along one of these turrets?"
"Get the hell out of the way!" ordered Twilight as she shoved Pinkie to the side.
"So then we had to get some magic stones or whatever from the middle of the Everfree Forest," Twilight told.
The clacking of the keyboard stopped.
"Wait, what about the trials of the various Elements?" I asked.
"They weren't as important or as interesting as what happened in the castle ruins," she replied.
"Earth!" called Applejack and Pinkie (though Pinkie added a "yes" after the call).
"Fire," said Fluttershy gently.
"Wind!" declared Rainbow Dash.
"Water," stated Rarity flatly.
"Heart!" shouted Twilight Sparkle.
With your powers combined, I shall restore order to this world!
~Master Bison
He's our hero
Gonna take pollution down to zero
Gonna help him
Conquer the world
Are a group of guys who like to Kung Fu b**ches
We're in Shadowloo
And you can be in too
Looting and polluting is not the way
But here's what Master Bison has to say~
The power is mine! Ah ha ha ha ha!
Oh, wait. Never mind. Shao Kahn killed me. I guess the power is his now.
You weak, pathetic fool. Hm hm ha ha ha ha ha!
"Hey, Shao Kahn!" called Twilight. "Hey! Hey! Hey! Shao Kahn. Shao. Shao. Kahn. Kahn. Kahn. Hey!"
"Sand?" inquired Nightmare Moon.
Meanwhile, Shao Kahn found himself on the receiving end of a rather powerful levitation spell.
"Emperor of Outworld," Twilight concluded. Her magic tossed said emperor with such high velocity that a rainbow exploded out of him and swirled all around the Mare from the Moon.
"Saaaaaaaand!" she cried.
"Spike, mark down a note, please," requested Celestia, "The unicorn Twilight Sparkle must take on a new mission for Equestria. She must continue to study the magic of friendship. She must report to me her findings from her new home in Ponyville. So says I, Princess Celestia."
"Sweet, I got a job," smirked Twilight.
"Good on ya, mate," congratulated Applejack while slapping Twilight's knee.
"I'm happy for you," said Rarity with the straightest face she ever mustered.
"Praise Smooze," cheered Fluttershy.
"Eh hee, the prophecy has been realized, yes," Pinkie Pie said with a grin.
"Let's gather for a group hug because this is what females do!" insisted Rainbow Dash.
Even though her voice still sounded like a 'he', the rest of the ponies followed Dash's lead and huddled in close together.
Author's Note
*roll credits*
*Scene after credits*
{Subtitle reads "Created by TundraStanza}
Random Changeling disguised as Twilight (voiced by Sayoko Shinozaki): It's ninja time!
Twilight Sparkle (voiced by Lelouch Lamperouge): No, Sayoko. I don't say, "It's ninja time." I say stuff like "Oh balls," or "I don't know when the next episode is coming out," or "Stop trying to grope me Shirley. I'm trying to plan Britannia's downfall."