Power is Knowledge

My name is Double Take.  Interesting name, I know.  However, it doesn't matter.  What does matter is what I can do.

Have you ever been in a life-or-death situation?  Having been in one, I can say it's pretty scary.  Especially with my situation.  My brother was driven mad by something, and he lashed out. He killed eleven ponies and was sentenced to death.

The only thing was... he meant to kill twelve.

I was one of his targets.

I had been cut up to the point of death, but something let me hold on, let me live until I was put into a drug-induced coma at the hospital to allow me even more time to live.  My recovery took weeks, months, years.  The doctors thought I was as good as dead with what little progress I was making on my recovery, and they pulled the plug on me.  It makes no sense... I should be long dead by now, known only as a tombstone, but no.  I lived on.

Death eludes me.  At every turn, it has been evident, but then again, it was also never there in the beginning.

I didn't understand, and perhaps I never will understand why I stay alive.  All I know is what came from it all.

I see ponies undeserve deaths every day.  I don't know if it's bad luck or good luck for them.  They stand on the verge of death, but I...

I can save them.

I've seen so much death and felt its embrace to know how to fool it, to make it fail to take others to the other side.  I've seen too much, know too much to keep it from everypony.

Thus, I write to let ponies know what I, or rather, what they unknowingly can do.  I wouldn't do it any other way.

It happened again today.  The light, the screaming... the burial.

Another pony would've died today.

It was a mare, as it usually is with the greater population of them, with an orange mane and a blue body.  A raging manticore, which was being chased down by the guards, ran through town. This pony just so happened to be in its way.

Several broken ribs, even more open wounds. This pony needed to hang on just a little while longer...

So I died again today.  I left my body behind, allowing the other one to live.  I deserved death.  She did not.

It is usually very easy to keep them alive.  I experience their pain, yes, but it is not unbearable.  In fact, it's almost satisfactory to know I'm helping... no matter the cost.  That pony made it to the hospital, where she had to undergo surgery.

It felt like the right thing to do at the time.  Every time I save somepony it feels that way.  But I know I'm only extending their suffering, torturing them if they do not get help from others.  It's a sad fact that I must live with, but to do what must be done is everypony's job in this world.

The pony lived, of course.  My body, however, was picked up and buried... again.  Luckily, I'm a unicorn, so no coffin can keep me.  I've died so many times, they don't even bother with a service anymore, and pretty soon, I'm sure they'll just leave my body on the streets.  They say the number of deaths is rising every year in Ponyville, but it's not true.  It's just those I cannot save and my multiple deaths combined.

Speaking of which, there are some ponies I couldn't save today.  More than one pony was hurt by the manticore, and the manticore itself had to be put down... not that that was much of a loss, but still, it has left this world all the same.  Saddening, truly saddening.

Thus far, I think nopony has noticed that the same pony dies every other day.  Obviously, it makes it very hard to make a living.  I can't hold down a job, and I can't buy food.  Thus, I live on the streets, picking and finding things I can eat, drink, and use to survive. Sometimes somepony is nice enough to give me something to eat and drink.  I hate it when I have to sorely disappoint them by dying again.

I end my writing here. Believe it or not, being dead takes a toll on a pony, and I must rest.  Tomorrow, I shall write again.

***

I saw that peculiar pony again today... the one they call Double Take.  There's something... off about him.  He wanders the streets with an unkempt mane, and his coat could not be dirtier.  He is sad, I think, to be living all alone.  He never begs, however, and he's generally very quiet.  Too quiet.

I swear he can just doze off whenever.  I looked at a park bench one time, and there he was, propped up by his back, sleeping the day away.  But that's not is what is weird about him.

He arrived in Ponyville only a month or two ago.  He wore a cap of some sort, and some tattered horseshoes.  Pinkie was going to plan a party for him but then...

I could've sworn he was dead.  The newspapers said as much.  That was the only time they got his name right.  I've seen the obituary pages, and I know his picture has come up so many times it's ludicrous.  Maybe I'm being too stereotypical or something, only thinking I'm seeing the same pony over and over again.  That's what I used to think, but my research has shown otherwise.  The faces are the same, I swear, and the name is the only thing that changes.

I, Twilight Sparkle, am going to find out just who... and what... this guy is, one way or another.  Which is why tomorrow, I'm going to talk to him... and use some magic to see if I can't get into that head of his, if necessary.

***

Oh hell, the nightmares again...

Ever since I got my ability, I've been seeing things in my sleep.  They usually are just events mixed into a bowl, all stirred up, until I see the moment.

The moment the pony knows they should be dead.

I've felt it before.  A knife, stuck right through my gut, and my brother, smiling as stabbed me.  That madness is what brought me my power.  I cannot say for certain the two events were ever related, but I know one thing.

I'm not alone.  I can't be.

I have survived death, so then would my brother have that same ability?  Did he cheat the system, by surviving a hanging?

I'd like to think he did not.  His madness was untamed, brutal, malevolent... his death served as his purpose to the world, to show them what happens when you let a bad situation turn into something much, much worse.

The nightmares... I see him in the nightmares... always the smile, always the stabbing, always the same.  Never ending, never faltering, never being any less real than the first time.  Then I see it.

The light.  The light at the end of the tunnel.

It's true what they say: don't go towards the light.  I've seen that blinding light so often, it's as if my eyes adjusted to see what was beyond it.

I cannot say it is heaven, nor hell, nor anything in between.  All I know is that to survive, one must escape what lies beyond the light.

For what is light?  I say it is the absence of darkness, the absence of courage, the absence of life.  For what is life?  Our imaginations, all strewn together to make us think we mean something, and we do, but not in that sense.

Death, life, both are the same.  One leads to the other.  The light is nothing more than what the other side would call darkness, what the other side would see in a different sense, describe in a different sense.

Yet we cannot turn away from our other side.  They say do not go towards the light, and for all these years I have not. But others...

They run towards it as if it is their salvation!  As if... what lies on the other side is exactly what they want, what they are looking for!  I stop them, I show them the real way, and I make it so they live, one way or another.  It is only right.

I tire from this... sleep may elude me for now, but in the morning, I will need to be at full strength.  You never know what may happen.

I end here, in hopes that my writing may someday remind others of what they really know.

***

What.  The.  Buck.

This pony, known as Double Take, Second Wind, Other Stride, the list goes on... he has no history.  He has no family.  He has no friends, he has nothing!  Nothing!  Nothing at all!

I don't believe it.  The grand archives usually have records on family lines, where they cross and diverge.  He was not in any of them!  Hell, for all I know, this colt could be an alien!  I don't know what to think of it.

Has he evaded everypony's notice?   Am I the first to perceive his very existence?  Why is he here?  How is he here?  So many unanswered questions...

I need to get to the bottom of this, but I cannot just throw these questions at him.  That'd scare him off!  No, I have to take the subtle approach.

The only way I can get him to talk is by being his friend.

***

Finally, my favorite time of the year is here.  Winter wrap-up.  You may ask as to why, but the answer should be obvious.

It's bucking cold.

I never liked the cold, and being on the streets in the cold has never been easy just on its own.  Every night it was freezing.  But not anymore.  Clearing out the snow is going to fix that.

I helped, of course.  Everypony is required to help.  I woke up the animals from their slumber, particularly the dangerous ones.  Bears, snakes, the works.  I apparently forgot to clear out one snake den and one poor mare did it.  She ran away quickly. I think that she has never helped in this before.

I didn't get a good look at her, but I know she was from someplace in Canterlot.  Must've moved here because...

Because...

Why would anypony move here?  That's a question I'd like answered.

Anyway, we cleared out all the snow, and all the animals were awake.  It took a while, or course, but that's only to be expected.  These things don't happen immediately.

Anyway, I ran into somepony today.  Literally.  I helped her up, apologizing for the trouble, but she didn't seem to mind.  That's when I noticed it was the same mare from before, the one waking up animals.  She looked surprised when she saw my face. Well, I guess I am that... how do I put it... unkempt?  I should probably just say ugly, though...

She asked me my name, and I told her it was Double Take.  No point in lying.  Besides, I hadn't quite made a new name for myself since my previous death, as I should soon.  It's not like she was going anywhere with this... unless she was going to yell at me.  I would understand if she wanted to do that.

However, she did not yell at me, and instead she did quite the opposite.  She said she wanted to talk to me for a bit, at her home.  Her home!  I think that means I won't have to sit outside for a little while, which I might enjoy.

But I couldn't.  No, I shouldn't go.  I didn't go.  I turned down her offer as politely as possible.  She asked if we could talk sometime in another place.

It pained me to say it, but... I denied it.  I turned away and walked down the wet path.  The last I saw was her face.  She seemed to be in dismay to be turned down without any real thought having to be put into it.

I hated myself for it, but it was for the better of both of us.

***

A minor setback happened today.  Double Take denied my offer.  I thought this might happen.  Not all ponies are trusting of others.

However, that will not stop my search for answers.  I need to find out what happened to this colt so that I can help him.  Death is supposed to happen once, not several times.

Speaking of which, I did a bit more research on him.  I only found one thing: his cutie mark.  It doesn't make sense, and I've been studying it for hours.

It's a dot. That's right, a dot. I don't know what to make of it. You take one look at him and then his cutie mark and you think: Who is this guy? I'm going to have to find out... because he is the only pony who knows.

Tomorrow, I'll try again.  That is, if he is still here. I hope he is. I have to see this through, and I...

I don't know why.

I'll write again tomorrow.  Tonight, I have to finish the plan for my next move and then get some sleep.

***

Tonight I sleep in the cold. I pull the familiar cloth over me and try to get comfortable. But I cannot. The night will only send my mind terrors, and I shall wake up in a cold sweat. And this time, it won't be because it's winter. Instead, I lie awake for as long as I can before I succumb to the evils of the night.

I feel as if... as if I need something to do.  I feel the need to get up, walk around town, knock on a door, do something that might actually cause me to be noticed.  But no, I cannot, for free will is a lie, thus I stay put.  And when I awake the next morning, everything will be the same, just as it always has been, with the town waking up to their first spring day. Only, not in the stuck-in-a-time-loop sort of way I seem to be writing it.

And, if my writings truly are getting this bad, I end them here.  I cannot have confusion mixed in with the ultimate truth.