Doom: The Equestrian Campaign

by The Doom-Guy

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Crossover, Roseluck, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Adventure
Length: 2254

Doomguy wins again, after kicking the legions of hell back and forth across the galaxy, Doomguy decides it's time to head home and relax. That's not going to happen....

The Legions of Hell are on the run, and Doomguy has finally found the portal that might lead him home. Emphasis on Might. For all he know's the portal could throw him right back into Hell.

Deciding to give it a go, Doomguy steps through the gate and finds himself in a place far more terrifying than Hell had ever been...Ponyville, Equestria. Worse off, the technicolor ponies who live there won't leave him alone!

Will Doomguy survive to kick-ass another day?

Published 2014-03-12 18:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-12 18:30:06 UTC

Sometimes the weirdest thing's happen...

Roseluck squealed in terror and beat her hooves against the hulking beast that had her pinned to the ground. "Get off! Please don' eatmeIdon'twannadieI'MTOOYOUNG!" She was silenced when The Monster clamped it's hand over her mouth. This was it, this was the end. Any second now The Monster was going to peel her like an orange and eat her insides for a snack. She wished she hadn't left her house today, she didn't even need anymore roses for her store! She should have stayed home and slept in! Roseluck closed her eyes and waited for the end.

It didn't come. The weight on her chest lifted, though the hand holding her mouth shut remained. Roseluck shuddered and dared to open her eye's. The Monster was looking down at her, but it wasn't tearing into her. Maybe it wanted her to watch, maybe it wanted to see her face when it plunged it's hand's into her belly and scooped out her gut's, maybe it was walking away to go find a sharp stick to stick up her...

Hold on, it was walking away? The Monster was moving towards the bridge that led into Ponyville. Roseluck gave herself a quick once-over and scowled. Other than a bruise or two from the tackle, she was fine. Something about this bugged her. What monster attacks it's prey only to get up and walk away? Roseluck stood up and trotted a safe distance behind the monster. She felt compelled to follow it.

Doomguy let go of the petrified horse and started towards the bridge. The thing's screaming made his ear's ring more than his beloved minigun! Something strange was going on here, and Doomguy was going to find out what. Maybe he had landed in a town that was built above a toxic waste dump? That made sense to him, considering that EVERYTHING in Phobos was coated in toxic waste. Humans...they could build starships and jump to different dimensions, but heaven-forbid if they had to do something with their junk besides dumping it in the most random places they could find.

The sound of clip-clopping hooves behind him made Doomguy pause and turn around. The blabbering horse he had tackled a minute ago froze in place and stared up at him. Was the thing seriously following him? Doomguy made a motion with his hand's that hopefully would be translated as GO AWAY before turning back around and continuing on his way. Not a moment after he turned his back the clip-clopping resumed. Doomguy growled and shook his head. Whatever...he would just ignore it.

When Doomguy reached the crest of the hill after he reached the end of the bridge, his eyes almost bugged out of his head. He found a town alright...just one problem. It was full of technicolor horses! Doomguy took off his helmet and rubbed his eyes in disbelief. Where the HELL had he ended up!?

Applebloom and Scootaloo sighed in disappointment. Their mad dash through the wood's had amounted to nothing, and now they were short and breath and patience. "I don't get it! Something happened here, but I can't see anything!" Scootaloo grumped. Applebloom nodded her head in agreement and sat down. "Ah heard the bang's, an ah heard the yips, but all ah see is a pile of wood and a bunch of these metal thingies!"

Applebloom held a soot covered bit of metal between her hooves and sniffed it. It smelled a little like the powder used in fireworks...maybe somepony had been testing fireworks in the forest. No...that idea didn't make sense to her. Why do it in the wood's instead of the fields outside town? Things weren't adding up and she didn't like it. Scootaloo leaned against the pile of wood and yelped when the pile shifted and dumped a log on top of her.

"GET IT OFF!" Scootaloo shouted. "IT'S CRUSHING ME!" Applebloom dropped the metal and ran over to Scootaloo. She braced herself against the log and pushed. Sweetie Bell broke through the foliage and stared at her friends in shock. "Don't just stand there Sweetie! Help me!" Applebloom grunted as she pushed. Sweetie ran over and pushed against the log. With Sweeties added strength, they were able to free Scootaloo from the log. The oddly sticky log...

Roseluck stared up at the monster and scratched her head. Why had it stopped? Was it confused, scared maybe? The monster pulled off it's helmet and turned around. It pointed a finger at her and snarled, making her blood run cold. Did it change it's mind, was it going to eat her? Roseluck prayed to Celestia she wasn't about to become diced pony. The Monster stomped over to her and grabbed her by the throat, hoisting her off the ground with ease. The Monster scowled, and Roseluck was so close to him she could feel his hot breath on her cheek.

"Where the hell am I, who and what the hell are you, and where can I get a beer around here?"

In which Doomguy lands on his face, socks a tree wolf and makes an unwilling friend.

There it was...after week's of non-stop fighting, bloodshed and finding his way through ludicrous mazes that a high demon had probably made with a blindfold on, the portal that might lead back to Earth hovered just in front of Doomguy, bathing him in blood red light. The portal swirled, boiled and smoked, as if daring him to step through and see what was on the other side. Doomguy gripped the butt of his shotgun and sighed as he looked at the head of a decapitated bunny that lay at his feet. The one friend he brought to Phobos had been killed when he had his back turned. There was nothing left for him here...

He cast a hate filled glance at the smoking remains of the Cyberdemons that had tried to block his path, then looked back at the portal. It was now or never....he might end up back in Hell, but that thought didn't bother him too much. He had more than enough firepower to shoot his way out again.

Doomguy put one foot through the portal, and everything went dark...

It wasn't often a Space Marine found himself face down in the dirt. Sure, if he was a party animal the night before and had drank more beer than humanly possible, he might be a little tipsy and take a wrong step. But as far as Doomguy knew, he was sober. Dirt filled his helmets visor, and his limbs ached and burned. A cool breeze whisked across the exposed skin of his arms and the faint smell of roses reached his nose.

Wait, dirt? Roses? Not drunk yet?

Doomguy scrambled to his feet and yanked off his helmet. His tired eyes widened, and a big smile spread across the face. He had landed smack dab in the middle of a forest, right beside a patch of blood red roses. He was on Earth, he was home. Doomguy whooped in joy and fell to his knees. He grabbed a fistful of grass and rubbed it against his face. Oh to be home again! There was so many things he was going to do! He was going to go get a cold beer at his favorite bar in New York, and he was going to get a hot date, and he was going to figure out what was growling at him!

Wait...growling at him?

Doomguy wiped the dirt off his helmet and stuck it back on his head. The joy he was feeling was replaced by a cold rage that turned his blood to ice. Growling things usually weren't friendly, and unfriendly growling things usually met the business end of his shotgun. Speaking of which, his battered gun lay about ten feet away from him, buried up to the stock in muck.

Bright yellow eyes stared at Doomguy through the foliage, and he could see the dark figure the eyes belong to slinking around in the shadows. Doomguy cracked his knuckles and smiled to himself. Look's like he might get another chance to rip and tear before his vacation started...

With a loud howl, a blur darted out of the woods and charged at Doomguy, baring it's fangs as it prepared to tear out his throat. When a meaty fist collided with it's face, it yelped in surprise and tumbled onto it's back. Doomguy shook his hand and hissed, yanking a splinter out of his knuckle. What the hell did he just punch, a tree?

The animal writhing around on the ground had skin that looked like the bark of a tree. Doomguy wasn't shocked, or even surprised by the beast. He just punched a wooden wolf, big surprise. He aimed a vicious kick at the things head, sending the wooden wolf rolling away and knocking the thing out cold.

Ok, first five minutes back on Earth and he get's attacked by a mutated wolf. Could be worse, all things considered. Doomguy walked over to his shotgun and yanked it out of the mud. The barrel was clogged with muck...great. He gave the weapon a shake and wiped the barrel with the back of his glove. With a little cleaning and a quick inspection, the gun should be working again soon enough.

Something growled again, and again and again. Doomguy looked up from his weapon and saw dozens of glowing yellow eyes boring into him. Doomguy blinked and scowled. Honestly, could he go five minutes without being attacked by something? He pulled his pistol out of it's holster and pulled back the slide, setting a bullet into the chamber. If he had to tango with mutant's, so be it.

"C'mon Applebloom!" Scootaloo whined. "You're moving SO SLOW! Pick up the pace!" The pegasi's friend glared at her and spat their over stuffed picnic basket out of her mouth. "Ah'm carryin everything, of course I'm gonna go slow!"Applebloom plopped onto her rump and crossed her forelegs. "Ah don't see why you can't carry some of this junk!"

Scootaloo rolled her eye's and poked Applebloom on the forehead. "Because, we agreed that somepony had to be the pack pony, and we picked you! I'm the trail guide because I have the best sight out of the three of us!" Applebloom opened her mouth to argue, but shut it instead. No point in arguing. "Alright, fine. But if I'm the pack pony, an yer the guide, what's Sweetie Bell?"

The white little unicorn gave her friends a winning smile. "I'm supervising!"

A trio of loud bangs, followed by howls of pain made the fillies jump and look around. "The hay was that!?" Scootaloo said, her tiny wings flapping nervously. Sweetie Bell narrowed her eyes and peered into the woods. She couldn't see anything, but that didn't mean nothing was there. The Crusaders had run into unseen danger in The Everfree so many times she could write a book about it. Applebloom and Scootaloo shared a look and grinned at each other. "Let's go check it out!" They said in unison.

Sweetie Bell watched her friends run off in the direction of the sounds and sighed, "I'll stay here and...guard the basket...alone...oh to heck with this! WAIT UP!"

Doomguy slid his pistol back in it's holster and tried in vain to wipe away some of the syrupy goo that coated him from head to toe. Who knew tree wolves bled maple syrup? It was going to take him hour's to clean himself off, and that put Doomguy in a fouler mood than he had been in when the wolves initially attacked him. But...he was home! Doomguy's smile returned as he picked up his soiled shotgun and made his way through a clearing in the tree's. Leaves stuck to his armor, and pretty soon he looked like he was wearing a gilly suit the Marine Sniper's wore.

It wasn't long before Doomguy found a trail and started to follow it. His mind drifted back to the thought's of all the things he was going to do...where did he leave off? He was going to get a hot date, and he was going to let it roll from there. Sounded like a good plan to him! The trail led to a bridge that stretched to a small hill. He must be near a town.

Doomguy was about to cross the bridge when something caught his eye. Standing in a patch of roses was a small, tan furred horse. Something about this horse was off, it was small for one thing, barely four feet tall if his guess was right. It's eyes were bigger and way more expressive than a normal horse's. Heck, the thing even had a tattoo of a flower on it's butt! He found himself looking back into it's eyes...the way the pupils dilated in fear as it stared at him...wait a sec.

It was staring at him.

Doomguy strode over to the little horse and crouched down in front of it. The thing shook like a leaf, and he could practically smell the fear coming off the horse. He stretched out his hand towards it. Sure, it was mutated like the wolves, but it didn't look dangerous. What's the worse that could happen?

"M-M-MONSTER!"

The panicked scream made Doomguy fall on his butt in surprise. The Horse shrieked again and turned to flee, but that's as far as it got before 265 pounds of marine tackled it to the ground...