What the hay, Fluttershy?
Tales from Equestria:
A Night at the Fights
Once upon a Time, in the Magical Land of Equestria…
“Ooh, Twilight, look at this!” Fluttershy’s voice thrilled with excitement. The yellow Pegasus turned to the purple Alicorn Minor as she pointed at the gaudy poster hanging from the side of Ponyville’s town hall. The slate-blue earth pony who’d just hung it up trotted away, a sheaf of similar posters hanging over his back and a bucket of glue with brush hanging from his mouth. Fluttershy actually hovered up off the ground for a few moments as she said, “Doesn’t it look wonderful?”
“What is it?’ Twilight asked Fluttershy, trying not to smile at her enthusiasm.
“Why, Twilight, it’s only the best show in Equestria –” Her green eyes sparkled.
Twilight looked at the poster, seeing that it promised the usual pleasures found at a carnival, games and tasty if not quite healthy food and rides and a petting zoo and the thing Fluttershy seemed to be pointing her hoof at –
“Er, Fluttershy, just what is ‘a card of matches from the Barnstorming Wrestling Association?’”
Twilight smiled as Fluttershy turned her gaze on her, eyes wide and filled with delight.
“It’s pro wrestling!”
My Little Pony,
My Little Pony,
Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahhh...
My Little Pony...
I used to wonder what friendship could be
My Little Pony...
Until you all shared its magic with me
Big adventure
Tons of fun
A beautiful heart
Faithful and strong
Sharing kindness!
It's an easy feat
And magic makes it all complete
You have My Little Ponies
Do you know you're all my very best friends?
“Umm, Fluttershy, you ARE pointing at the petting zoo, right?” Twilight asked her, looking from pegasus to poster to pegasus in confusion. “I mean, that’s got to be what you’re interested in, right?”
“What? Oh, no, no!” Fluttershy shook her head and reared up, wings spreading behind her for balance. To Twlight’s shock she set one forehoof right on the BWA announcement. “I meant that. The matches. Don’t they sound like they’ll be great?”
“You’re kidding… You’re kidding, right?”
“Oh, Twilight, just read them and you’ll see.”
Twilight looked from her friend to the poster and bent close to read the contents of the “card”, wondering if this was some sort of joke. Pictures were on the poster, showing some very rough-looking ponies, Diamond Dogs, a griffin dressed in the worst attempt at the “evil aristocrat” look she’d seen since a school play in Canterlot, and even a minotaur. The names were no more reassuring. The Dirty Deeds Pack versus the Stainless Steel Stallions… The Brahma Bull versus the Big Roan Engine… Baron von Clawful versus Platinum, the Pureheart Palomino? She looked back at Fluttershy, who just smiled as gently at her as she ever did.
“I repeat: you are kidding, right?”
Fluttershy looked wounded, but Twilight felt like she had to continue. “Fluttershy, this is… I mean, it’s…” She shook her head. “This is pro wrestling, for pity’s sake!”
“Yes, and it’s going to be here!” As Twilight stared in disbelief, Fluttershy added, “And not just any card, but one for the Mares’ World Heavyweight Title! Look who’s competing!”
Wondering if perhaps she’d failed to awaken that morning and was dreaming all of this, Twilight looked back at the poster one last time. She snorted to see the representations of who was going to be in the ring for the main event: a black-coated Pegasus mare with a violet-streaked mane and tail and sporting the most over the top evil grin she’d ever seen, and that included Discord and Chrysalis, against a silvery-coated unicorn mare and pink and blue-streaked mane who bore a certain resemblance to her teacher and mentor. Save that Celestia even at her noblest moments didn’t look as ridiculously virtuous as this unicorn did. To Twilight’s lack of surprise, the light mare seemed to be named Solar Blaze and the dark mare, Sunset Stomp.
“Those must be stage names,” Twilight thought. “At least I hope they are.” She didn’t even know she’d spoken out loud until Fluttershy interrupted.
“No, no, those are their real names,” she said proudly. “I read that in my subscription to Barnstorming Wrestling Weekly. They’re sisters, and they used to compete together, but one day Sunset Smile – that’s who Stomp used to be – got jealous of her sister and she turned on Solar Blaze.” Fluttershy looked down, long pink mane veiling her face. “Doesn’t it just sound terrible?”
“That’s one word I’d use,” Twilight said dryly. “’Familiar’ might be another. Fluttershy, that’s what happened to Celestia and Luna! Ever since Luna returned and we healed her, the theme of sisters becoming rivals and either fighting to the tragic end or reconciling has been done to death by every writer and playwright in Equestria! This is,” Twilight sighed at the shocked and earnest look her friend gave her, “this is just a story somepony made up to get ponies to come in and pay hard-earned bits to watch them pretend to fight!”
“Hey, Miss Twilight, they don’t pretend!” Twilight looked down to see an indignant Applebloom looking up at her. Scootaloo stood beside her, the little Pegasus filly looking almost as offended, and Sweetie Belle stood behind them both, looking less certain but supporting her friends like always. Twilight turned her attention back to Applebloom as she said, “I seen those matches lots o’ times with ma big sis and big brother! They really do pound each other good!”
“Yeah!” Scootaloo added, before turning to her earth pony friend and saying, “Hey, do you remember the time we saw Magnificence the Mare give that Lippizaner Suplex to Beryl the Barbarian? Right off the ring apron? One of her teeth almost landed on my hoof!” Twilight wondered if she looked as pale as she felt as the little filly added sadly, “But then that dirty Diamond Dog got back up an’ gave Magnificence the Gem Cutter and won the title belt.” Despite knowing how phony the whole thing was, the fillies looked so despondent at that memory that Twilight felt she ought to try and comfort them.
“Well, ah, I’m sure that Beryl won’t hold it for long…”
“Oh, she didn’t, Twilight,” Fluttershy added in a perfectly cheery tone. “The very next month Solar Blaze took Beryl in an Appleloosa Arcade match in two straight falls and ended it by power-bombing her on her head right through the announcer’s table.” Twilight gaped as Fluttershy sighed. “And she beat Sunset Stomp and Heartbreaker to do it, too. Left them in one big heap right there in the ring in front of everypony. Oh, that was such a wonderful night.” The pegasus and the three fillies all sighed at the memory.
Twilight glanced around. Okay, no sign of Discord anywhere. Maybe he can discord ponies without it showing, now?
“Heh,” Twilight said, looking around for an escape route, “Yeah, great. I’m so very, very glad for you all. Now, ah, maybe we can find something else to talk about that doesn’t involve maiming anypony?” She added, “Besides, I’ve never seen any of these fights,” not that I consider it a loss, “so really, I don’t know how to properly discuss it with you.” Twilight turned and began to trot across the town square; she got as far as the fountain before Fluttershy flew over her head and dropped down in front of her, raising a small cloud of dust.
“Wait, that’s right! But I know how to help,” the pegasus said, pointing at the Cutie Mark Crusaders.”I was going to be taking the fillies to watch it like I do every time the BWA is in Ponyville; you can come with us!”
“YEAH!” The CMC cheered like miniature clones of Bulk Biceps. Twilight hoped she kept the sense of dismay off her face as she looked from the smiling fillies to the smiling Fluttershy.
“I can’t begin to tell you how I feel about that offer,” not using polite words, anyway, “but wouldn’t it go better if you went with Applejack or Dash? I imagine they must love this.” Twilight hoped her smile didn’t look too forced as she pointed at the poster. The looks of joy on the faces of Fluttershy and the fillies vanished.
“Oh dear, no,” Fluttershy said, looking down at the ground. “They used to go with me, but now they’re always busy when the show comes to town. I can’t imagine why.”
“Yeah, an’ Sweetie and Applebloom’s big sisters won’t let them go with Fluttershy unless they have, uh,” Scootaloo closed her eyes and furrowed her orange brow in concentration, “a chipped bone?” She might have said more, but Sweetie Belle stomped up before the small Pegasus and scowled at her.
“The word my big sister used was ‘chaperone’! Gee, Scootaloo,” the little unicorn shoved her muzzle against Scootaloo’s, her voice dripping annoyance, “You were right there when she said it! Do you have to be such a dodo?”
Scootaloo’s eyes went wide. “Don’t call me a ‘dodo’, you, you,” she sniffed, “you encyclopedia!”
“Now, girls,” Twilight began. She saw Fluttershy start forward, a look of dismay on her face, but Applebloom beat them both to it. She shoved in between her two friends and gave them both a dirty look.
“Hey, why don’t both o’ ya settle down? I bet Miss Twilight would be happy to go with us an’ Miss Fluttershy!” All three broke off their incipient quarrel and looked hopefully at Twilight. Past them, Fluttershy gave Twilight the most hopeful look she’d seen on the pegasus’ face in weeks.
“Oh! Uhh, sure, girls!” Twilight forced herself to smile. She pointed at the poster, reading more of it as she did. “Why, I’ll be thrilled to take you to see…” her voice shook as she read under a picture of a furious buffalo facing the worst parody of an earth pony cowpony she’d ever seen, “an Appleloosa Branding Iron Match between Chief Thunderhorns and Hard Hooves.” She felt her grin turn sickly as the three fillies cheered.
“Yay!” Applebloom said. She turned to race off. “C’mon, girls, we gotta get ready for th’ big show tonight!”
“Oh, and I’ve got to get ready too!” Fluttershy took off, her wings beating softly as she flew off towards her home. She called back as she went, “Thank you so very much, Twilight! It’ll be a night we’ll never forget.”
Twilight kept the big smile on her face as they left, only to slump as soon as they were gone.
“Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about.” She turned and set off, a determined look on her face. If she was going to endure this, then she wanted some moral support from her other friends. Her sane ones.
#
Twilight turned off the South Road and trotted through the main gate of Sweet Apple Acres. The carnival tents were already raised in the West Pasture, right off the Everfree Road between the school and Fluttershy’s cottage, and when she’d swung by there earlier she hadn’t recognized most of the gathering crowd. Not just out-of-town ponies, but griffins and a double hoof-full of Diamond Dogs and minotaurs. Judging by what she’d overheard they were gathering for the ‘wrestling’. Their eager conversations were filled comments on alien and arcane topics, even to the well-educated alicorn, heels and faces and hardway juice and who had the best figure-four hooflock. Many of them, mostly griffins, snarled and screeched at each other over who would win when “Baron von Clawful” (seemingly a griffin dressed in a monocle and some sort of outfit from the cover of those pulp magazines) faced the “Stainless Steel Stallion” that evening. The usual griffin squabbling started to get more serious, with bared talons and beaks on full display until some big earth ponies in carnival livery broke it all up. That convinced Twilight. She wanted and needed somepony there with her to help keep an eye on things.
And after the twin disasters at Carousel Boutique and Sugarcube Corner – how Rarity, Dash, and Pinkie reacted when she told them who she and the fillies would be going with – she wanted some straight answers from the palomino who bore the Element of Honesty.
At the sound of her knock on the dutch doors the top opened and Applejack looked out.
“Well, hey, Twilight!” The palomino opened it the rest of the way and trotted out to face her. “Ah’m kinda surprised you ain’t at the carnival. Heck, Ah’d be there myself if Ah didn’t have to take care of Apple Bloom’s chores on top o’ mah own.” She looked Twilight in the eyes. “By the by, thanks for taking her there. She said she was going with you an’ somepony else ta ‘see the sights’.”
“Actually, I’ll be there with Fluttershy and the girls to see that silly ‘wrestling card’ – MMMMPH!” Twilight froze as Applejack clapped a hoof over her mouth, staring into her eyes in wide-eyed horror.
“Twilight, please,” she gulped, “PLEASE tell me ya ain’t goin’ with Fluttershy and mah little sister ta see those,” she looked around before adding in a whisper, “those wrestling matches!”
Twilight frowned as her horn glowed purple and she removed Applejack’s hoof. “Ugh! Yes, Applejack, that is where we’ll be going. I just wanted you there to help us keep an eye on the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They’ll probably drive poor Fluttershy up the wall, and I want to be careful just what happens with that crowd.” She sighed and shook her head. “I mean, you know Fluttershy. One dirty look and she’d probably run and hide for the next… three… days?” Her voice trailed off as she saw the look of rising horror on AJ’s face. It was the horror of somepony realizing just what trouble their friend had just gotten themselves into.
“Twilight, ya mean,” Applejack gulped and looked around, “Ya mean, ya don’t know how ‘Shy acts at them there shows?” She looked around before saying in a whisper, “Come on over here, ta the barn. It oughta be empty right now.” Applejack then set off for the barn, moving like she needed to sneak up on Nightmare Moon. Wondering just what the hay was going on, Twilight followed her inside. Once in, the ripe smells of manure and the dry ones of grass and hay filled her nose, eliciting a sneeze from her. Applejack almost jumped.
“Dangit, Twi, don’t go makin’ all that noise!” The palomino earth pony reared up, held her prized Stetson in her hooves as she said, “Twi, you know how Fluttershy is normally the quietest, sweetest, all-round nicest pony ya could ever meet? ‘Cept for that one time at the Grand Galloping Gala?”
“Ye-es,” Twilight said, wondering where all this was going. “That’s why I want you there. I was hoping one of the others would help, I remember you saying how busy you’d be, but when I told them who we’d be there with Rarity all but chased me out the door with some silly excuse, Dash just flew away with a shriek, and when I asked Pinkie, her mane went straight and she left, saying she had to visit her family on the rock farm!”
“We-well…” Applejack began to say, a nervous smile on her face. “Might could be they just had some, eh, some sort o’ important business like they all said?”
Twilight snorted; her horn glowed purple.
The palomino gulped and said, “An’ we’d rather not go ta one o’ those shows again with Fluttershy.”
“Twilight rolled her eyes."I have only one question: As Element of Magic to the Element of Honesty, just what is going on with the Element of Kindness?"
“Well, Twi, ya see, it’s like this,” Applejack looked almost ashamed as she put her hat back on and dropped back to all fours. Scraping the straw-covered wooden floor with one forehoof, she said, “Remember ‘Flutterrage’? When sweet little Fluttershy goes ta one o’ them shows… she goes berserk! Like she did at the Gala!”
“Wait, Fluttershy?” Twilight began to laugh. When Applejack glared at her, she covered her mouth in a useless effort to stifle the laughter. “You mean, she gets all excited and yells at the wrestlers or paints her coat different colors?” She shook her head. “Applejack, that’s, well, strange for Fluttershy, but it’s nothing that bad! You should have seen how my big brother used to act when he took me to his hoofball games.” She would have continued but stopped when Applejack stuck her face directly before Twilight’s.
“That ain’t it!” The palomino stared into her eyes, fear thickening her voice and making her ears go flat along her scalp. “Fluttershy, she, well, remember how she acted when Discord zapped us in the maze?” Twilight’s disbelief must have been plain on her face. Applejack nodded so hard she almost shook her hat off. “I tell ya, it’s the honest truth. I went with her and ma little sis the last time that darned show was in town. I thought Fluttershy was gonna pass out when one poor pony got their head knocked open. ‘Stead, she just laughed an’ started ta yell, ‘We got juice!’ And pointed at the poor feller’s scalp the whole time. And the whole crowd joined in.” She scowled. “Includin’ mah little sis! I gave her a talking-to when we got home. She just said that Fluttershy told her it was okay ta act like that at one o’ those places.” The palomino turned with a shiver and walked away to lean against one of the stalls. “Still an’ all, Fluttershy and Applebloom were both back ta normal the next day.”
“Wait, wait,” Twilight said, walking over to her friend as she dredged up what little she’d learned about these shows, mostly from talking to her older brother. “I thought they were all faked, like fights in plays?”
“They are,” Applejack said. “Well, they prefer ta say ‘staged’, like. It’s just that, well, some o’ these promotions…”
“Promotions?”
“The ponies that put th’ shows on,” Applejack explained. “Some o’ them get a little wild with ideas ta bring the audiences in. And this one that Fluttershy likes to go and see is one o’ the craziest.” She shook her head and whickered a laugh. “Ah have ta admit, some o’ them are kinda funny. Like the one a few years ago where they had somepony act like Blueblood and pretend to be takin’ the company over until the Stainless Steel Stallions beat him but good. An’ when they carted that giant egg around…” She shook herself before stalking over to her friend and staring her in the eyes. Her eyes haunted, she said, “But if y’all are going with Fluttershy and the CMC, then be ready for anything, Twi. Most ponies and other folks know it’s all a big joke, but some o’ them don’t, and they’re the ones ya have ta watch out for.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Twilight responded in a suddenly-weak voice, wondering just what she’d gotten herself into.
#
A few hours later she was still wondering. She thought back over some quick research she'd done at the library after leaving Sweet Apple Acres. According to it, this wrestling nonsense started over a thousand years gone, when some ponies began performing staged combats between mares meant to represent Celestia and Nightmare Moon at times like Winter Wrap-Up. They'd been done to honor the Sun Princess and her victory. But when she got wind of them, she ordered them stopped. Twilight remembered her teacher telling her how she never wanted to be reminded of what she'd been forced to do to her beloved sister. But the staged fights were too popular, with not just ponies but with minotaurs, griffins, and more; so they just began bringing other characters in and it all snowballed from there.
And now, a thousand years later, here they were. She stood in line together with Fluttershy and the three fillies, watching as other local ponies and a great many non-locals, ponies and more, waited for their turn to get their tickets and seats. To her confusion Fluttershy wore a red mask with green trim over her face. She’d also asked Twilight to be careful about saying her name as they waited for seats.
“What! Why?”
“Oh, no reason,” the Element of Kindness responded, face veiled behind her long pink mane, unable to meet Twilight’s eyes. “It’s just that… sometimes ponies recognize my name as one of the Element Bearers, and I always get so embarrassed if they try gushing over me.”
Twilight accepted the explanation. It happened to her and all her friends before, several times. Indeed, in the hopes that she’d go unnoticed here she was under an illusion spell as a random unicorn instead of Equestria’s newest alicorn Princess. She’d had a lot of practice after the Day of Discord, when out-of-town ponies swarmed into Ponyville on the newly-laid railway to gawk at the new Heroes of Equestria for months afterwards. She’d had to forcibly remove one or two from the Library when they couldn’t take a hint or tried to lift a “souvenir” or get a little too friendly. Rarity sold some commissioned saddles and outfits to the flood of tourists, Applejack the same with the fruit of her apple orchard, Mayor Ivory Scroll had to shut down Rainbow Dash’s impromptu performances of “How I Saved Equestria and Cloudsdale single-hoofed”, and Pinkie was Pinkie. They all had to sign a lot of autographs, and Fluttershy – Fluttershy spent most of her time hiding out at either Rarity’s boutique or Applejack’s farm until she had to flee to Zecora’s hut in the Everfree.
Things had calmed down since then, but it seemed a rare week that went by without her seeing some visiting family or the like looking at the brass plaque on town hall letting everyone know that this was the spot where Nightmare Moon returned before being defeated by the Elements. And Ponyville now had a railway connection to the rest of the kingdom, with a new Hay-and-Stay by the station on the north end of town catering to tourists from across Equestria and beyond who wanted to see “the” most famous town in existence.
From what she’d heard, both it and Ponyville Inn were currently filled with out-of-town wrestling fans here for the ‘card’. Which was good, because else she might have thought they were performers. Younger Diamond Dogs, coal miners from the hills above Fillydelphia, barking and yelping at each other in their language, the fur on their heads cut and styled clumsily into something like the crest on a Royal Guard helmet. Behind them a small flock of griffins milled about, giving every pony who came near the evil eye as they screeched at each other and held a banner between them; and even a minotaur or three who looked ready to start a fight themselves to judge by the way they snorted and tossed their horned heads.
But most were ponies. Mainly pegasi and earth ponies, no surprise given their usual love of physicality and competition. But a few unicorns were there as well, looking as eager as anypony else. She shrugged. Her brother used to bring her along to watch some of his hoofball games, and he could end up snorting and flattening his ears at supporters of the other teams if they got too enthusiastic in their insults for his favorites. But he always controlled himself and would laugh it over with them once outside the arena.
She recognized some of the locals, especially Bulk Biceps. The huge white Pegasus with the real loud voice was hard to miss, especially when neighing in excitement as he was now, his “YEAH!”s drowning out the griffin squawks and snarls. His little brother Featherweight rode on his back, as small and delicate as his brother was big and buff, the tiny colt fluttering his wings as he read the various posters like Twilight in a studying binge. Every poster promised much the same thing, a “wild night of mayhem and madness” as the audience’s best-loved “faces and heels” pretended to pound the horseapples out of each other.
“Wait, ‘faces’ and ‘heels’?”
“Oh, that means the good guys and the bad guys.” Twilight looked to see Scootaloo smiling up at her. She and her friends seemed excited, but thankfully were sticking close by her and Fluttershy. Twi cocked an eyebrow to see that the filly wore a black t-shirt that bore the legend in blue and gold, ‘Stratusfaction Guaranteed’, with a picture of some muscular blue-coated and golden-maned Pegasus mare on it.
“Scootaloo, I hope you don’t wear that at school.”
“Huh? Oh.” Scoot looked down at her shirt. “Why, what’s wrong with it? Trish Nimbostratus is one of the best mare wrestlers ever! Hey, she once won a lumberfilly match with Cowgirl Jenny Valentine in a best two out of three!” Scootaloo pointed her hoof at one of the posters as they passed. Twilight looked; on what must have been a photo of the match, the mare from Scootaloo’s shirt apple-bucked the face of a very robust minotauress, sending her crashing out of the ring. More mares, female Diamond Dogs, and even a she-griffin stood outside the ring. The audience was cheering, including a familiar masked pegasus standing over the fallen Cowgirl, long mane waving as she jeered right down into her face. Twilight looked back to Scootaloo, the question obvious on her face.
The filly grinned. “Oh, yeah, that was Fluttershy. I was there with her alone that time. When Cowgirl got up Miss Fluttershy taunted her until she almost tore down the restraining barrier and killed us! The other wrestlers had to drag her away!” Scootaloo closed her eyes and sighed as her two friends looked on in naked envy at her fortune in having faced maiming at the hooves of a berserk minotaur. “It was such a great night.”
“Heh! S…sounds great.” Twilight winced. By now they’d reached the open tent flaps. She pulled her friend aside. “Just wait a second, girls, I’d like to discuss something with Fluttershy here. Oh, go right ahead.” The last said to the griffins, who looked annoyed at having to wait. They went past her and tried to get in, but stopped as one of the hired guards ordered them to unroll the banner they bore. Ignoring their squawking, Twilight whispered, “Fluttershy, look, I know you get – excited at these things,” even if I think it’s all being exaggerated, “but maybe this time you might just try to be a little less, well, enthusiastic?”
“Well,” she said in her usual soft voice, looking a little downcast, “I’ll try.”
“Thanks,” Twilight said. Past them she saw the griffins had unrolled their banner, paid for their tickets, and were getting ready to fly in with it. Curiosity bit, and Twilight had to ask, “How did you ever even get interested in all of – this, in the first place?”
“Oh, I got the wrestling bug from my uncle,” Fluttershy said, smiling as at long-gone but fond memories. “When I was little, before I even got my cutie mark, he used to take me to see these shows whenever he was in town. The first time I went the crowd got really excited and started yelling all these words I’d never heard around the house before. I got, er, kind of excited and started yelling some of them myself. I jumped up and down, I even threw my bag of hay fries at one of the wrestlers. Later after I got home and asked my parents about the words, well…” Her cheeks flushed pink. “It took a while to get the taste of soap out of my mouth. Mother and Father were always so very proper. But my uncle never really cared. I apologized to him and he laughed and said it was okay to use those words here at one of these shows. He said everything I did was alright here, I just shouldn’t do them anywhere else. It’s like Nightmare Night,” she shivered, “but less scary and more silly. I could act differently here than I normally did and it would be all fine. You know what I’m like, Twilight,”
Fluttershy ruffled up her wings a little, turning partly away from her to face the tent flap. Inside, the griffins were holding their banner up between them so that the legend was clearly legible: BARON VON CLAWFUL FANS 4 LIFE!
Fluttershy continued on with, “I’m so shy and quiet, but sometimes it feels good to be able to come to one of these shows and let some of my frustrations out –“ Her eyes locked on the sign and narrowed before shooting wide. Fluttershy flapped her wings once and shot up off the ground to hover before the griffins as she yelled, “HEY! YOU! YOU BUCKING MORON GRIFFINS! YOU THINK BARON VON CLAWFUL EVEN HAS A CHANCE? GO BACK TO WHATEVER SCAT-STAINED AERIE YOU WERE HATCHED AT, LOSERS!”
The griffins wheeled and glared straight at her. What Fluttershy did then Twilight would have sworn she’d never see. The butter-yellow pegasus snorted right in their faces, all but daring them to take a swipe at her. Choking, Twilight stepped forward, convinced she was about to see her friend become a snack for enraged griffins. To her horror the CMC and other ponies present cheered for Fluttershy, even as the griffins screeched in her face. She just grinned coldly at them, wheeling in mid-air to whip her long tail across the banner in scorn before returning to the ground beside Twilight; folding her wings, she shrank back into Fluttershy. Twi wondered who she ought to apologize to first, and then noticed something.
The outburst aside, nopony paid it any further attention. The griffins pointed their claws at a nearby poster of that monocle-wearing griff she’d seen on the other poster, bringing a sobbing earth pony in tights and a mask like Fluttershy’s to his knees with a cruel-looking claw grip sunk into his belly. Fluttershy just tossed her mane in an almost-Rarity gesture of dismissal. The griffins flew inside the tent with their banner, and the yellow pegasus turned to Twilight and the fillies and said in a voice that reminded Twilight all too well of that time she’d been Discorded, “Now, who wants to go in and see some moldy griffin get beat into drumsticks?”
“Yay!” the fillies said, and raced in after her. Twilight took a deep breath, levitated over the bits and got the tickets, and followed them.
The inside of the tent was mostly dark save for the area around the ring proper and a pathway leading from it to the rear, which was walled off by hanging pieces of canvas. The combined smells of the interior made Twilight wrinkle her nose up, sweat and feathers and sawdust underhoof and the smells of food, hay fries and roasted apples and even some meat from the more carnivorous fans. Pegasi and griffins hovered overhead, keeping a certain amount of distance between them. The low excited muttering of the crowd seemed to pass over Twilight like the waves of the sea.
She looked around for Fluttershy and caught her down in the very front row along with the CMC. The fillies were standing on their seats and leaning over the iron railing before them. Twilight hurried down to stand beside them.
“Girls, that’s not very safe,” she admonished them. They ignored her. Fluttershy, seated on the opposite side, just grinned at her.
“Twi, this is a Barnstorming Wrestling Association card,” she said with a smile, loud enough to be heard by the other ponies seated nearby. “Nothing here is safe!”
The ponies around them cheered in appreciation, clapping their hooves against the dirt floor as a powder-blue unicorn stallion with lime-green mane clambered into the ring. He wore a huge crimson bow-tie, so much like Apple Bloom’s hair bow that Twilight checked to make sure the filly still wore her’s.
Fluttershy cupped her hooves by her mouth and yelled. “HAY YOU LAZY FLANKHOLE! THE CROWD’S ALL HERE, NOW WHERE’S THE SHOW?” He shot her a dirty look as he levitated his megaphone to his mouth.
“Mares and stallions, fillies and colts, griffins, Diamond Dogs, and minotaurs of all ages,” he called out in a very well-rehearsed voice, “Welllllcome to the show you’ve ALL been waiting for!”
“WE’RE STILL WAITING FOR IT!” Fluttershy spread her wings and lifted off as she yelled. Whinnies, screeches, and bull-like bellows of agreement rose as she waved her hooves over her head like a cheerpony.
“Fluttershy!” Twilight hissed as she dragged her friend back down by her, her horn glowing. “Do you have to act like that?”
“Well, duh, yes, Twilight.” The pegasus rolled her eyes. “It’s expected here.”
Inside the ring, the announcer with the loud bow-tie shot Fluttershy and Twilight a dirty look. He took a breath and let the crowd start cheering as he said, “Tonight! In this very ring, right here in PONYVILLE, EQUESTRIA!” More cheers, with the CMCs jumping up and down beside Twi, cheering that he’d said the name of their town. Twilight wondered if they actually needed to be reminded what town they were in as the announcer said, “Like I said, tonight, right here, a card by the Barnstorming Wrestling Association…”
“WE KNOW ALREADY!” Fluttershy yelled back, interrupting him. Twi caught the venomous look he aimed their way as she added to an accompaniment of jeers and whickering laughter, “GET ON TO THE BUCKING MATCHES!”
“A-hem!” The ring pony scowled at her and said back into the megaphone, “We give you five matches! Lightning Blast versus Digger Doom! The Brahma Bull versus the Big Roan Engine, Solar Blaze versus Sunset Stomp for the Mares’ Heavyweight Title,” he paused as wild cheers filled the tent, “a special tag-team match with the Stainless Steel Stallions versus the Deeds Brothers, Dirty and Vile, and the one you ALL want to see, Baron von Clawful in a falls count anywhere title match versus your hero, Platinum, the Pureheart Palomino!” He fell silent as the crowd cheered lustily. “Now, are you ready to rumble?” The crowd cheered. The announcer shook his head, “I said, are you READY TO RUMBLE?” The roar that followed made Twilight wonder if they were trying to imitate dragon mating calls. “Then let’s get this show going!”
Twilight just felt happy that neither Princess Celestia nor her family would ever hear of this.
Somewhat overdone romantic music began to play. Heartfelt sighs came from roughly half the mares there, including little Sweetie Belle. Twilight looked and to her surprise saw a strikingly handsome young hippogriff entering the ring. His coat showed warm brown, the feathers of his hood soft gold. He flew up and over the top ropes to drop down in before bowing towards her section of the audience. In his beak he held a rose which he tossed lightly in Fluttershy’s direction. Twilight looked around and saw at least half a dozen pegasi and earth pony mares eying it the way Rarity did the bouquet at her brother’s wedding. Provided, that is, Rarity had looked ready to trample anyone who snatched it first. Thinking fast, she used her magic and pulled it down into Fluttershy’s hooves. She looked ready to faint from joy.
“Okay,” Twilight said. “Who the hay is this one?”
“That’s Lightning Blast, the Heartbreakin’ Hippogriff,” Apple Bloom said beside her. She gave Sweetie beside her a disgusted look. “Ah know that Sweetie an’ Miss Fluttershy like him, but Ah don’t think he’s all that much…”
She fell silent as the music came to a screeching halt, accompanied by a voice speaking Equestrian with the most exaggerated accent she’d ever heard – a blend of Old Lipizzaner with one of the harsher dialects of Gryphonian.
“Ach! Schtop this disgraceful behavior!” Cheers turned to boos as another hippogriff came out – no, that steel-grey griffin from the poster and banner, Baron von Clawful. He flew out and dropped down in the ring, looking around so arrogantly Twilight wondered if he’d taken lessons from Trixie. Behind him, a portly zebra in a suit so tasteless it would have sent Rarity into shock hurried to stand beside him, sneering down at the crowd. He carried a flag in a saddle-harness, a red-and-white banner blazoned with a black griffin’s claw. Twilight wondered if she was supposed to be impressed or just break out laughing. To judge by the booing, the rest of the crowd was going with ‘angered’. The grey griffin said to Lightning Blast, “Bah! See how they cheer you, you half-griffin mongrel! I can see that your fans are as big a bunch of dummkopfs as you yourself! You are a disgrace to true griffins everywhere, you, you half-pony!” The griffins hovering over the audience shrieked their support while angry snorts came from the gathered ponies. Twilight felt a slow dread at the fury she saw rising in Fluttershy’s eyes. Baron von Clawful looked pleased as he said, “Your opponent was too cowardly to come face you tonight, but I am not! Do you have the nerve to face ein true Greif, you mischling?”
Lightning Blast hesitated, as though trying to think of something to say. Then with a shriek and beat of wings he launched himself at the griffin. As they met in mid-air the bell rang and the battle was formally on, with feathers and fur flying. Twilight knew she was no expert, but as she watched the quick exchanges of holds and blows it seemed to her that the Baron was both more experienced and skilled than his opponent, and once or twice deliberately helped him set a move up. She flattened her ears at the in-equine roars and yells rising from all around her. Most worrying were the ones from right alongside.
“Come on, Lightning Blast! Break his wings!” Fluttershy bellowed, “Kick your uncle’s flank! Gouge him in the eyes! Kick him in the balls, the ball – look out, stupid!”
The two fighters had worked their way back towards one corner where the zebra leaped up and brained the hippogriff with the flag he bore. Lightning Blast dropped as though poleaxed and was covered for a quick three count by the referee, who was distracted by something on the other side of the ring until after the blow fell. The poor hippogriff was carted out as Baron von Clawful and his zebra friend jeered after him. The griffins watching cheered; everyone else booed. Junk, mostly emptied hay fry bags, flew at the ring.
Fluttershy and the fillies were booing as furiously as almost everypony else. They froze at the sound of laughter.
“Hey, dweebs,” one of the griffins who’d waved that banner before the show called, “Ya still think the Baron can’t fight?”
Fluttershy’s eyes blazed. Muscles bunched along her shoulders as though she sought to fly at them. Twilight gulped and prepared to use her unicorn magic to grab her if she tried to.
“That… big…. Meanie!” Fluttershy ignored them to yell at the “Baron”, “The ref is blind! Cheater! You and Zeb both!”
Twilight’s curiosity about Zeb was quickly settled as the zebra walked to center ring and snatched the megaphone away from the announcer as he began calling the match’s results in a voice as unlike Zecora’s as possible. No rhythmic rhyming Zebrican cant, more like that of a Manehattan street gang.
“Gee, we must have Cloudsdale pegasi here tonight!” Some of the pegasi flew a little higher as he said it, only for him to add with a laugh, “I thought as much when I saw you; only Cloudsdale pegasi are that ugly and stupid!” He grinned at them as a new chorus of boos and snorts rose from the crowd. He said, “Get it through your empty heads, you featherdusters, everypony knows Equestrian pegasi are overgrown dodos, and Cloudsdalers are the worst of the lot!” More boos followed. Twilight thought she heard growls from Scootaloo and Fluttershy as Zeb added, “Hey, last week I went to Canterlot, and you know what I saw? A Pegasus pulling a garbage cart and an Earth Pony eating out of the back. At noon they traded places!” The crowd roared then, some with laughter, others with fury. He jerked his hoof back at Baron von Clawful; the griffin struck another arrogant pose as the un-Zebra zebra added, “Face it, you hicks, if not for the Baron you’d all be sitting at home staring at the wall waiting for the next monster attack so the Elements can show off again and save your miserable flanks…”
He whinnied and ducked as a bag of hay fries whizzed past his head, then turned and galloped for the flap leading backstage, followed closely by the still aloof Baron. Twilight merely looked at Fluttershy. Her own bag of hay fries was missing. Twilight felt a sinking feeling as she realized where it’d gone.
“Fluttershy!” She hissed. “Did you have to do that?” She recoiled as the pegasus gave her a look that blazed fury.
“Did, did you hear what that jerk said about Cloudsdale and Ponyville?” She bared her teeth after the now retreated zebra. “That, that bucking flankhole! I want to trample him bloody!”
“FLUTTERSHY!” Twilight looked at the CMC in horror. They ignored it to look at the ring, where the next match was already underway, with a huge minotaur – most likely the Brahma Bull – facing a leather-masked earth pony stallion the size of Big Mac. She pointed at them and hissed at her friend, “I don’t think Rarity or Applejack would appreciate their little sisters getting that kind of an education here tonight! Would they, girls?” She looked at them for some much hoped for moral support. She hoped the presence of three innocent and unstained little fillies would remind Fluttershy to control herself.
That hope crashed in flames a second later.
“BUCK THAT HORNHEAD IN THE JAW!”
“TRAMPLE A NEW FLANKHOLE INTO THET NASTY OL’OVERGROWN COW!”
“TURN HIM INTO LEATHER AND MY SISTER WILL MAKE HIM INTO A SADDLE FOR YOU!” Twilight gaped at Sweetie, who returned an innocent look. “What?”
“Girls, you are not helping!” Twilight sat back down, hoping that both the fillies and her friend would calm down.
The next two matches did nothing to satisfy her hopes. The next one, the tag-team match, wasn’t too bad, provided she ignored the almost sulfurous comments the fillies and Fluttershy called to one of the Deeds pack as he fell down face first right by them. He snarled right in their faces, baring yellowing fangs as the girls jeered laughter before he went back into the ring to get a kick in the face that sent him crashing down by them again, slamming his jaw into the railing. Twilight wondered if she really saw him spitting teeth as he got back up, his eyes rolling wildly.
“Cool!” Twilight groaned as she heard Scootaloo yell, “I got one of his fangs!” She waved a broken off Diamond Dog fang to the cheering crowd. Twilight gulped past the sudden lump in her throat. Fluttershy grinned and tousled her mane.
“Oh, you’re such a lucky filly!”
Twilight just felt very happy an illusion covered her.
The next match was even worse. It starred those mares, Solar Flare and Sunset Stomp. It started out well, but when the dark-coated Sunset Stomp slipped outside for the third time, scornfully waving her long and obviously blue-dyed tail in the audience's faces, Fluttershy thrust her head out on her long neck.
A moment later the mare sailed back into the ring with a howl where Solar Flare charged into her, knocking her down and finishing the bout. Fluttershy sat back beaming, a long strand of blue tail hair hanging from her jaws.
Twilight wondered if maybe they’d really cured her usually shy friend from Discording all those long months ago.
“Uh, Fluttershy,” she said, hoping against hope, “Maybe you could calm down just a wee bit?”
The yellow pegasus just gave her an uncomprehending look. Her eyes danced with madness as though she wanted to feel bones snapping under her hooves. Before now Twilight would have laughed at the mere idea of seeing such a look on Fluttershy’s face, let alone her actually acting on it. But now? She cast around for a distraction and saw the refreshments stand. “Uh, Fluttershy, maybe you could go and get some snacks for us?”
“What?” Fluttershy glared daggers at her. “You want me to miss a match?”
“Oh, no, no,” Twilight swiftly added. “You know, in case we want to eat them or throw them at somepony or, eh, anything like that.”
Fluttershy’s eyes blazed. Twilight wondered if she was about to end up feeling a hoof in the face herself. But then the bell rang. Fluttershy looked at the ring and gave a small ‘yay’ as she saw Solar Flare strutting out victorious. Then in her normal voice, “Oh, of course, Twilight. They’ll have an intermission until the main event anyway.” She fluttered off towards the stand, joining the crowd already there. Twilight sighed her relief and turned to the Crusaders.
“Girls, can you do something for me? Can you please stay right here while I go and apologize to those ponies in back for everything you and Fluttershy have done here tonight?”
“They don’t like anypony that ain’t a wrestler back there, Miss Twilight –“
Twi heard no more as she hurried back behind the curtain, her cheeks flaming. So far this proved to be one of the most embarrassing and horrifying nights of her life; but she would not let the good name of either Fluttershy or the rest of the Element Bearers be dragged any further into the mud.
And besides, she was an Alicorn Minor, so how much trouble could there be?
She looked at the covered pathway used by the grapplers to enter, one at a time. Judging by the way the two large earth ponies standing by it were glaring around balefully, she doubted that would be a good choice. She went to the exit and slipped outside, walking around the tent. Laughter and cheers came from off in other parts of the carnival where ponies were on rides or in the Funhouse, along with the sweet and savory smells of unhealthy and tasty carnival food. Happy, innocent ponies, all unknowing what sort of savagery lurked in the hearts of their fellows. Twilight remembered Fluttershy with a mouthful of tail hair and shuddered at the thought.
By now she was around by the back of the second tent, the one where the grapplers came from. Lights inside showed the outlines of ponies, griffins, and more. Many of them seemed to be moving stiffly, as though hurt or tired or both. A faint murmur of conversation came from within. Twilight looked at it, remembered the warning Applebloom gave her, wondered if she ought to do this.
No. Even if nopony else does, I owe these ponies and others an apology for what my friend did to them. Even if, she gulped, I get beaten to a pulp in the process.
Twilight took a deep breath, imagined the interior of the tent in her mind’s eye, a nice large empty space with nopony standing in it or any large objects she might get stuck in, reached out with her magic and teleported.
Sensations rushed over her, the snap of her atoms disassembling and forming back together a heartbeat later, the humid warmth inside the tent from the collected body heat, the sharp smell of liniment, and the sudden light stabbing at her eyes after the darkness outside.
And she froze as she recognized Lightning Blast, Zeb, and Baron von Clawful right beside her.
“Nephew, why did you forget your lines?” The Baron scowled at Lightning, who looked chagrined as the older and larger griffin shook an admonishing claw under his beak. “We were supposed to banter back and forth and build up some heat for the match later, and… Hey, how did you get in here?”
Twilight recoiled under the griffin’s angry and stunned look. The cry brought the attention of everypony else there to her as well, from the two mares – with a raggedy-tailed Sunset Stomp wincing as she rose from lying on a blanket – to the minotaur and his earth pony opponent. And she noticed that none of them looked in the least happy.
“Can’t you read the sign outside?” the steel-grey griffin jerked a claw at the exit. “Wrestlers and ring crew only! We don’t need any marks in here…”
“Hsst, mark, keep kayfabe!” Somepony hissed. Twilight wondered what they were talking about. To judge by the dismayed looks she saw going over their faces, none of them were very pleased at the idea. The Baron looked around and shook his beak.
“Forget it, we’re all tired.” He pointed at her. “Just get her out. Sorry, filly, no free autographs tonight. Security!” Two rather husky ponies came in through the entryway and were headed in her direction, sour looks on their faces.
“Hey, wait,” Twilight began, backing away. “I, I came back here to apologize for what my friend and the three fillies with us did, not to make any trouble.” At the bored and cynical looks she got, she added, “Really, I’m serious! I didn’t teleport in here to start anything.”
“Well, you did whether you meant to or not,” von Clawful snapped. “And – wait, the three fillies with you and your friend?” His voice went from annoyed to somewhere between fearful squeal and furious screech. “That crazy yellow pegasus with the long pink mane? She’s here tonight?”
Twilight looked around in confusion as more of the grapplers spoke in snorts of disgust and dismay.
“Oh, buck, not her! Was that the nag who ripped out a mouthful of my tail?”
“You mean Hatpin Annie? The one who stuck a sewing needle in my flank last year?”
“Tell Security where she is so they can toss her out this time!”
“Wait, wait,” Twilight looked around. On the faces around her, pony and griffin, minotaur and Diamond Dog, she saw a rising horror. “You mean Fluttershy?”
“Fluttershy?” The minotaur snorted, walking over with an icebag held to his eye. “Oh yeah, like YOU know one of the Element Bearers!”
“They live in this town,” one of the Diamond Dog Deeds brothers added before Twilight could say anything. His packmate just cupped a paw to his jaw and painfully nodded agreement. Von Clawful gave a disdainful sniff.
“Oh, please!” He pointed at Twilight. “Some no-name mare knows a national hero? Besides, I hear that this ‘Fluttershy’ is supposed to be Kindness or some kinda scat. We’ve all seen that mare before.” He lifted his head and looked around the room. “Do any of you actually think of her as ‘kind’? After all the times she bucked a chair at our heads or yanked out a mouthful of hair?” They all frowned thoughtfully and nodded as he said, “No way do they have anything to do with one another!”
“Arrgh, what is the matter with Fluttershy?” Twilight facehoofed. “I’m beginning to wonder if she really is Discorded!” She looked around and began to say, “Please, I don’t know if this does any good, but she’s not like that normally. Usually she’s the sweetest mare you could ever know…” At the eye rolls and snorts all around her, she flattened her ears and added, “I swear she is!”
“What are you jamokes talking about?” The blue-and-green ring announcer trotted into the tent, crimson bowtie and all. “Von Clawful, why are you back here? You should have been out there and tying up with Platinum three minutes ago, and – who the hay is this?” He ran his eyes over Twilight. Behind him von Clawful flapped out, headed for the ring, with his zebra partner hurrying after him as the eye-watering announcer added, “Another fanfilly? How often have I told you guys not to bring your marefriends back here…”
“WHAT?” Twilight glared at him. “I am NOT here for, for that! I’m here to apologize for what my friend did out there!” He looked skeptical, so she added, “Fluttershy? The crazy pegasus with the pink mane?”
“Oh, her?” the ring announcer’s horn began to glow green as two big roustabout stallions came out of nowhere to flank Twilight. “I don’t care what you say you’re here to do. What matters is that I don’t want that mare out there or you back here. So get lost, horn-head!” He turned to the guards. “Go on, give her the bum’s rush.” Twilight gave the two an angry glare as they stepped forward to fulfill the command, bored looks on their faces.
Okay, that does it. Twilight dropped her illusion spell, flared her now-visible wings. Sudden shocked gasps rose all around as she said, “Now listen up! I guess you know who I am now, right? So, do you want to listen now, or what?”
A chant rose from the other tent – “YOU BUCKED UP! YOU BUCKED UP! YOU BUCKED UP!” Twilight hoped that wasn’t Fluttershy’s voice leading the chant.
“Your Highness?” the announcer said; his horn glow faded, then all in the tent – ponies, minotaurs, hippogriff – all dropped to their bellies before her. As if she were the Princess of the Sun instead of just “the Princess of Ponyville Library.” The stallion somehow managed to sound both pleading, scared, and admonitory all at once as he said, “We’re honored by your visit back here with the performers but maybe next time you could just ask and I’ll take you wherever you want to go?”
Translation, I’m not supposed to be here, Twilight realized. Too bad. Right now she needed to say something. Wings flared and horn glowing, she took a step directly towards the bow-tied announcer. Still on his belly, he managed a weak grin but stood his ground as the grapplers and ring crew scuttled away, like they expected her to send them to the moon any second. Part of Twilight felt a twinge to realize that this was how she remembered students at Celestia’s School act when one of them just got into trouble with a teacher. The other part of her wished she had a pointer to use to help focus his attention the way those teachers did.
“Listen to me, Mister…”
“Whinny Mac, Your Highness.” He croaked, lashing his tail in equine unease. “I, ah, I never would have spoken of giving a Princess the bum’s rush if I’d known you were one. That’s for ordinary ponies. I mean!” He fell silent as Twilight held a hoof up.
“That’s not my point.” She cleared her throat, took a deep cleansing breath, and set her stress aside the way Cadence showed her. She smiled politely at him and said, “The point is, my friend and the three fillies with us have behaved very badly, and I want to apologize to you and your performers for their behavior.”
“Oh-kay,” he said, sounding wary. Twilight supposed that these ponies didn’t hear apologies very often. “We all accept your apologies, right?” Whinny Mac looked around the tent. Twilight heard hurried acceptances from the assembled grapplers. Looking back at her, he rushed to say, “Well, everything is fine here, Your Highness. When you do something like this you have to accept that, ah, some ponies will get a little overly excited and do things they normally wouldn’t.”
“Yes!” Twilight said. Maybe she’d be able to save Fluttershy’s reputation here after all. But she would have to talk with her later. This could still all end in a civilized and rational fashion.
“And besides, I doubt anypony here would want to argue with the berserk pegasus mare who helped defeat Discord and Nightmare Moon and all the rest.” Whinny gulped. “Or any of her Royal friends.”
“Arrgh, no! That’s not what I meant!” Her magic flared up from her horn. Whinny leaped back off his belly, eyes wide as Twilight said “Listen to me! I’m trying to explain! Fluttershy is normally the sweetest, the gentlest, the quietest…”
“HEY, RUBE!”
Twilight shot into the air with a yell as the stallion who’d just yelled came charging into the tent. In an instant all the attention that had been focused on her was turned to him instead. He looked the same as any of the other earth pony security ponies, save for a swelling around one eye. Ignoring the hovering Alicorn Minor, he charged straight for Whinny Mac.
“Boss, we got trouble! Von Clawful took the Palomino down. The crowd got bucked off. Well, all of ‘em ‘cept for the griffins, and then Clawful started in on one of his rants about good for nothing earth ponies and pegasuses…”
“It’s pegasi,” Twilight corrected automatically. Nopony so much as glanced at her.
“And the next thing we knew that crazy pegasus in the front row turned and bucked her chair into the ring and clobbered him with it! He yelled for us, we charged in, the griffins went to help him and the pegasi went to help her and the chairs started flying and now we got a riot in there!”
“Aw, clop it all!” Whinny Mac snatched up an unused tent stake lying nearby with his horn and charged in. “HEY, RUBE!”
His grapplers and the ring crew followed, with the ones who lacked natural weaponry of their own grabbing anything solid and heavy before charging in after him. Next thing Twilight knew, she was alone in the backstage tent. “HEY, RUBE!”
“Oh my gosh, Fluttershy! The Crusaders!” Twilight teleported after them. She had to save her friends and those fillies from getting trampled in this mess! Once poor Fluttershy noticed what was happening, she’d panic and…
Twilight appeared in midair, in the midst of utter mayhem.
She saw the griffins, both the three fans and von Clawful, at the bottom of a pile of folding wooden chairs. Judging by the groans they were still alive. More chairs flew through the air, with some falling to the ground unnoticed while others elicited whinnies or howls of pain when they landed. Most of the crowd, she saw, hurled anything and everything they could lay their hooves on at the ring. Just outside, their backs set against it, the grapplers stood side by side, striking the angry ponies and others trying to get past them. Occasionally a fist or hoof would rise from the mass and connect solidly with a jaw or eye. Meanwhile the security ponies were forcing their way through the crowd. Whenever they took hold of somepony who’d just flung a chair or a punch, they dragged them to the nearest exit and bucked them out of the tent. Twilight dimly noticed that nopony tossed out tried to return, and few even seemed to fight back.
Twilight shrieked and ducked as a rolling, whinnying, screaming ball of pegasi rolled by. Hooves lashed out, wings battered, teeth snapped, and mouthfuls of hair and mane and tail went flying. It wasn’t any safer up here than on the ground.
Blast it, where’s Fluttershy and the CMC? She looked around for that pink mane and tail, or for three blank flanks. I can’t let anything happen to them!
A wild and familiar scream rose from the middle of the strife where chairs flew thick and fast. Twilight flew towards it.
“Fluttershy! You’ll be okay, I swear! I – YOW!” She ducked as one chair flew at her, feeling the air rush by as it just missed her head. Beneath her she saw that ebon Pegasus Sunset Stomp headed for the middle of it all, snorting and blood in her eye.
“I THOUGHT IT WAS YOU, YOU TAIL-RIPPING LUNATIC! NOW I’M GONNA TRAMPLE YOU!”
“No!” Visions of a mangled Fluttershy raced through Twilight’s mind as she swooped and dove towards the battle. And then a voice she had not heard since that first Grand Galloping Gala rang out, filled this time with as much glee as rage:
“HA! COME AND GET IT, YOU NAG!”
Then, with a terrible joy:
“THIS IS THE MOST FUN I’VE HAD IN WEEKS!”
Then a kick followed, along with a sudden equine shriek broken short, an ebony flank cutie-marked with a cloud over a sun filled Twilight’s vision, then the world exploded in a Luna’s mane of stars, then blackness. With the snorts and screams and bellows and neighs and shrieks and smashing chairs and crashing wood coming from a great distance.
She found time for only one thought before the darkness claimed her:
At least Celestia and my friends and family will never, ever know!
#
“Do you really think we oughta be doing this?” Rainbow Dash looked down at her friends. “I mean, we’ve all seen how Fluttershy acts when she goes ta one of these things.”
“We have,” Applejack said as the four mares made their way towards the large tent emitting sounds of mayhem – Dash in the air, the others on the ground. “Twilight ain’t. And we shoulda known better than to abandon her and the Crusaders without doin’ a better job of warning them what ta expect.”
“My poor innocent little sister,” Rarity said beside her as she trotted towards the tent. A Colt Cola, her third of the evening, floated in the grip of her horn’s magic. Pinkie stayed close by her as they passed by the nearby concession stand. “I’ve been worried to death about her and poor Twilight. And yes, Fluttershy too. She gets a little – excited, but really, maybe we’ve all misjudged her?” She looked at the others and got three unbelieving stares back.
“I dunno,” Pinkie said, her mane and tail back to their usual floofiness. Almost. They approached the entryway of the tent. The racket from within rivaled the Battle of Canterlot. Oddly enough, no ticket taker seemed to be on duty. The pink party pony said, “Maybe we’ve been too hard on Fluttershy. She and Twilight and the CMC are probably having a great time!”
“Uhh, we kinda were,” a familiar voice said to the side. “But then things got kinda crazy in there.” The mares looked to see Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle all sitting beside the doorway and peeking around the side. They held on to hay-burgers and seemed fascinated by what they were seeing. A fresh yell came from within and Applebloom’s eyes went wide. “Wow, Ah never knew ya could bend somepony’s legs that way!””
“Uhh, I don’t think you can,” Scootaloo added. The fillies ducked back as several ponies – none of them pegasi – flew out the exit to crash onto the turf, followed by some large stallions in shirts reading “ring crew”. The first group rose to their feet snorting, the second group snorted back and pawed the ground, both groups reared and neighed – then the first group turned and left, passing out of sight behind another tent.
Applejack looked after them, and then at the fillies.
“Uh, girls, just where’s Twilight and Fluttershy?”
“Oh, they’re right in there,” Sweetie Belle pointed inside the tent. By now the noises from within were more pained groans than enraged whinnies. Her friends nodded as she said, “Miss Fluttershy got kind of over-excited and smacked that griffin von Clawful with her chair, and then everypony started throwing theirs, and the rest of the wrestlers came out and started fighting with everypony.” She shrugged. “We left so we could eat our food in peace. Miss Twilight sounded almost as excited as Miss Fluttershy.”
The mares looked at each other in dismay. Rainbow Dash spoke first.
“We don’t wanna know, do we?”
“Probably not,” Rarity said with her usual dramatic sigh. She looked at the three Crusaders. “Very well, girls. Just where exactly are they?” They looked at her with the annoyance fillies reserved for adults who didn’t pay attention.
“Like we said, big sis,” Sweetie got up and walked around to point into the dim interior of the tent. “Right there.”
Applejack and the rest looked, knowing they wouldn’t like what they saw.
They didn’t.
#
“Uh, Twilight, you sure you’re okay?” Spike came back in to her room, holding a pot of the most soothing blend of tea Twilight could make. He spoke softly, but even so the mare rubbed her throbbing head.
“Urrgh, yeah, Spike, I’ll be okay.” She sat at her writing desk, one partial letter to Princess Celestia on the desktop, a dozen others wadded up all over the wooden floor. “But right now my head still kinda hurts.” She looked back at her letter. Dear Princess, it’s good for friends to share some interests in common. It’s even better for friends to share their new interests with each other. However … That should do nicely. It got the point across of her little lesson without sharing any details she hoped she could forget. She took a cup of the tea, stirred in some honey and cinnamon and sipped at it lightly. “Say, any word on what happened with that carnival? Or how Fluttershy and the CMC are doing?”
“Oh, Fluttershy dropped by earlier to say she enjoyed last night and hopes you can do it again sometime.”
Twilight shuddered and yelled. “Not in a thousand years!” She groaned and felt her head again. Spike patted her on the shoulder, and she smiled at him. More quietly, she added, “I’m glad she’s happy, but maybe she should find someone better suited to that chaos to go along with her. Like Discord, or maybe a full-grown dragon. How are the CMCs?”
“Okay, I guess,” Spike said. He started to gather some of the plates up. “I saw Applejack in town. She said that last night she and Dash and Rarity all swore they were never, ever going to let you or Fluttershy take their little sisters to one of those shows again. And hey,” Spike turned to face her. “Why didn’t you think to ask me? I might have liked going there with you and everypony else.” He fell silent as Twilight picked him up with her magic and looked him right in the eyes.
“No. You. Wouldn’t.” Twilight set him back down. “What about the carnival?”
“Applejack told me that the Mayor asked them to pull their tents and get moving.” Spike looked dismayed. “They said they’d be happy to and they were never coming back here again. I was hoping I could have gone there tonight – to the rides! Not that wrestling tent!” he hurriedly added at Twilight’s glare.
“Well, I guess that’s it then,” Twilight sighed and returned to her letter. “Thanks, Spike. This whole thing isn’t going any further than –“
A sudden burp and a flash of green dragonfire shot before her eyes. Twilight flinched at the brightness and froze to see the royal seal on the letter that appeared. Cautiously, she unrolled it. It showed little of the normally graceful and elegant horn-writing that her teacher’s letters displayed. It was all of five words long.
“Twilight. Come to Canterlot. NOW.”
#
Morning sunlight streamed in through the antechamber’s stained-glass windows. Twilight’s hooves beat a nervous tattoo on the carpeted terazzo floor as she stared at the great doors to the Sun Princess’s main office.
Twilight. Come to Canterlot. NOW. With none of the usual warmth and good humor she knew Celestia possessed – except when she was well and truly angered. Discord-level angered. Chrysalis-level angered. To-the-Moon angered. When your teacher – and the immortal ruler of the land – sent you a letter like that, you reached her presence as swiftly as equinely possible.
The doors to the inner sanctum stood before her, inlaid with patterns of Sun and Moon, tall enough to clear Celestia’s long horn and ethereal mane. Two Royal Earth Pony Guards flanked the portal, watching her in silence. She wasn’t sure, but she thought a quick grin tugged at the older one’s mouth before he returned to their usual stoicism. The old nervous and jumpy part of Twilight kept staring at the Luna’s Moon pattern on the doors, wondering if she was about to find out what it was like to visit it personally.
Don’t be like that. You know your teacher. She’s probably dismayed, but not like that. She once said you could never embarrass her, remember?
She straightened up as the heavy doors opened before her. To her surprise, Cadence came trotting out.
“I’ll be sure to remember that, Aunt Celly,” the pink Alicorn Minor said back over her shoulder into the room and not even seeing her. “We have to remember how the public perceives one of us can affect us all. And yes, I’ll tell Twilight when I see her.” She seemed to hesitate, and then, “Please don’t be too rough on her...”
Then she turned her head back, saw Twilight, and her eyes went wide. “OH!”
“Hello, Cadence,” Twilight said as she hurried forward to entwine necks with her. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza returned the hug and smiled, but nervously. Twilight hopefully began to say, “Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake…” She stopped as her sister-in-law set a hoof to her mouth.
“Sorry, Twilight,” she looked dismayed. “But not right now. I’m supposed to send you straight to Celestia as soon as I see you.” The sunlight from the windows dimmed like a cloud had passed overhead; Twilight looked up to see a midnight-blue Alicorn Major also leaving the inner sanctum, shadowed as though she stood in darkness. Both of the other alicorns in Equestria seeing Celestia today? Over what I did?
Princess Luna Selena Nocturne looked right at her for a moment, gave a faint whicker, then with a shake of her head walked off, the antechamber brightening back to normal as she left. Cadence pointed back into the inner sanctum. “She’s in there.” Twilight swallowed and began heading in, only to stop when Cadence said, “Er, Twilight? Just so you know… we’ll always be best friends and sisters-in-law to each other. It’s just,” Twilight looked at her as Cadence worked for the words, “Just, if nopony knows about our relationship, maybe you could be careful about how you bring it up over the next few weeks?”
“Sure,” Twilight returned in a squimper worthy of Fluttershy. Normal Fluttershy. Relief swept over Cadence’s face and vanished almost as fast.
“Good luck,” she whispered, and left.
Twilight swallowed and stepped inside, the great doors closing behind her with a muffled whoosh-thump. Within, Celestia’s private office looked the same as ever, a large chamber with bookshelves against three of the marble walls, thick rugs from Saddle Arabia on the floor, iron lamps hanging from the ceiling with their glowgems dim now until darkness activated them, warm sunlight coming in through the open windows over an inlaid wooden desk the size of a banquet table.
And behind that desk, twice Twilight’s size and shining like she stood outdoors in full sun instead of indoors, her mentor: Her Immortal Highness, Princess Celestia Solaria Invicta.
Twilight smiled at her.
Celestia didn’t smile back. She didn’t even look up from the papers on the giant desk, just kept writing or signing off with a levitated quill, floating the signed papers to another stack.
“Twilight Sparkle.”
The purple Alicorn Minor cringed. The last time she’d heard her speak like that was during the Smarty Pants incident. Or during that first trip to the Crystal Empire, but that was Sombra’s mind trap so it didn’t count. Did it? Twilight slowly walked the length of the room to her teacher. Somehow it simultaneously felt like both the longest and shortest walk she’d ever taken. Soft thudding of hooves against Saddle Arabian rug, scratching of the Sun Princess’s quill against royal vellum. The Alicorn Major kept growing as she approached, pastel mane streaming in a wind that wasn’t there. Half-eaten cake on the side table, no bananas anywhere, that’s a good sign, isn’t it?
“Princess?” Twilight wondered what else could or should say right then. She’d reached the desk; a Canterlot newspaper lay open before Celestia. The Sun Princess looked up at her ex-personal student, laid down her quill.
“Twilight. The last time we spoke, you told me you were worried about ‘properly upholding the traditions of Equestrian royalty’.”
“Ye-yes,” Twilight said.
Celestia’s horn, the same horn that commanded the sun itself to rise and set, glowed as she levitated the newspaper up in front of Twilight. A copy of The Canterlot Sun, with a large headline worthy of Gabby Gums:
EQUESTRIA’S NEW PRINCESS IN WILD BRAWL AT SLEAZY CARNIVAL
Beneath the headline, a picture took up half the page. In the background, a scene of utter devastation within a carnival tent – chairs smashed everywhere, sometimes over the heads of ponies and even a lone minotaur whose horns stuck right through a separate seat each. Worse-for-wear ring crew dragged semi-conscious ponies towards the open tent flaps. The grapplers were helping them, most of them looking as though they’d just fought their way through a dragon’s den. And lost.
And in the foreground, right in the middle of it all, a scene straight out of one of Spike’s pulp magazine covers. One of those dealing with “Barbarian Adventures from Equestria’s Forgotten Past.” A masked pegasus mare reared upright in triumph atop a pile of grapplers and audience members, her wings flared, her long mane torn, her coat streaked with sweat. Amid the bodies at the bottom of the heap lay a cold-cocked Alicorn Minor, crowned with a folding chair.
Twilight looked back at Celestia. Her violet eyes twinkled – stern, but with amusement bubbling under the surface. The Invincible Sun raised one eyebrow and said just three words:
“Care to explain?”
Dear Princess Celestia:
Today I learned it’s OK for friends to have interests different from your own, but it doesn’t mean you have to be involved in everything they do. Sometimes it’s best to let friends have something that’s just for them, no matter how much they try to get you interested in it. And sometimes it might be best for your health if you don’t.
And one more thing, Princess. You can rest assured that this lunacy will never, ever, be repeated in Ponyville.
Your faithful student,
Twilight “never going to one of those shows again” Sparkle.
“Okay,” Scootaloo said, looking down at the small crowd of fillies and colts before her and her two friends. She wore her Nimbostratus shirt from the day before. “Everypony here?”
The CMC clubhouse was crowded like never before. She saw almost every filly and colt she recognized from school there – Button Mash without one of his games for once; Dinky looking as cheery as ever; Ruby Pinch, Sunny Daze, Cotton Cloudy, Featherweight, Aura, Truffle, Rumble, Twist, and more.
“We’re all here, ‘cept for Dee Tee and Spoony – oh, and Zipporwhill’s dad wouldn’t let her come,” Snips said, with his buddy Snails beside him like always. “What do you three want with us, anyway?”
“Yeah,” Snails said. The lanky unicorn colt waddled up in front of the small herd. “You said something about getting cutie marks and making a few extra bits on the side?”
“Well, it’s like this,” Sweetie Belle said beside her. She wore an outfit like one of last night’s mare grapplers wore, one she’d made herself that morning before her big sister got up. “Does everypony here know what happened at the carnival the other night?”
“Sure do,” Featherweight said. “I was there until my big brother ran out at the end. And today everypony in town is talking about it. Half of them wish they’d been there to see it.”
“Umm,” Ruby interrupted, “I thought it was more like, most of them said they wouldn’t have believed it unless they saw it?”
“That’s right,” Applebloom said. A mask covered her face, like the one Fluttershy had worn the night before. “They’d pay ta see it, right? Which means that if we did that, they’d pay ta watch us pretend like how them wrestlers did.” The crowd suddenly seemed uneasy. She added, “Oh, we’ll be safe. Miss Fluttershy knows all about how to do stuff like this, she said she’d be happy to help us set up our own promotion.” She paused and added, “And best match o’ the night gets bonuses!”
High-pitched whinnies filled the clubhouse.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders grinned at each other, and looked down at their blank flanks.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS BACKYARD WRESTLING LEAGUE! YAY!”
The End?
Author's Note
A very, very bizarre story done in honor of all those lovely young ladies and sweet old ladies I've seen over the years at wrestling shows who would yell enthusiastically for the sight of the blood of their fellow human beings, and then be perfectly polite afterwards. And to my father, who took me to so many of these madhouses.
