Twilight Sparkle was having one of those amazing sorts of days, the kind where everything just went right. She had spent all day playing her favorite game, "god". You could even say, Twilight Sparkle loves to play god. Not that I condone that, but admit it, she does. Some of her favorite godly activities included forming matter from nothing, transforming sentient forms of life into other kinds of life, and rearranging the constellations when no pony was looking. Of course, after a hard day of rewriting the rules of reality, an amateur deity loves nothing more than to go home and rest with a good book. Twilight's favorite book is of course called, Alicorns: We're Better Than the Rest of Them. It's actually a nice read, you should check it out sometime.
This afternoon, however, Twilight Sparkle could not end her day with her favorite book, because when she arrived home, her friend Rainbow Dash was already there, reading books that weren't about alicorns. That's ok though, because Twilight recalled that she told Rainbow to come visit any time she wanted to borrow books, and being an alicorn, Twilight always kept her word. Besides, Rainbow Dash was reading about Daring Do, probably the coolest non-alicorn pony in the entire galaxy. On top of that, Rainbow was reading what was probably the most thrilling, action-packed book in the entire Daring Do series, Book 176: The Case of the Missing Pencil.
"Wow Twilight!" said Rainbow as her friend walked through the door. "Do you ever thing that I could be such a super cool, amazing, courageous, brown, and or noble a pony as Daring Do is?"
"Why of course you can!" said Twilight. "You can be anything you want if you set your mind to it. Except an alicorn, because only four can exist at a time, if you don't account for animation errors and bad OCs."
The news that she could be anything she wanted (besides an alicorn) thrilled Dashie to the core, and she said, "Twilight, you're not supposed to break the fourth wall! And also, how do I go about becoming such a great pony like my hero Daring Do?" She set down the book she was reading and picked up a few others to show her friend the covers. "Should I have to raid abandoned temples, or recover ancient artifacts, or is the most important part to have an arch enemy that I can thwart?"
"Well", said Twilight, "Daring Do is an explorer by occupation, so naturally to prepare, she went to college and got an archaeology degree. That way in the next five movies we the audience can watch her as she does everything but archaeology. If you want to be just like her, you'll need to get your own archaeology degree." Twilight then exercised her god powers by pulling some papers out of thin air and said, "I happen to have some college entrance forms right here, floating in the air, created blood of innocents the power of the blood of innocents."
"I also see that it was written in the blood of innocents. Nice touch."
"Why than you. I'm glad somepony appreciates it. Now if you just tell me what scores you got on the SAT, we can mail these papers to Canterlot University, and they'll mail you and archaeology diploma, because no pony actually studies archaeology."
"SAT Scores?", said Rainbow. Oh no, was her fifth grade education going to get in the way of fulfilling her dreams again? "But... I never took the SAT, or high school... I never even learned my own na- oh wait, it's Rainbow Dash."
Twilight was alarmed, but she didn't show it, because alicorns are better than that. "What Dashie, you never took the SAT?"
"No," replied Rainbow Dash, "I never did. And also please don't call me Dashie, when that happens it's normally because I'm about to be shipped with somepony."
"But the narrator did earlier."
"Yeah I know", she said, "But I didn't say anything because I was trying to preserve the illusion that we don't realize we're in a work of fiction." Suddenly, Rainbow Dash turns and stares directly into the camera, even though this is a written story. You, the reader, realize what's going on, pick up you computer with the camera attached, and run to hide behind some curtains.
"Anyways", said Rainbow Dash, "Is it too late for me take the SAT test and achieve my goal of becoming a great temple explorer like Daring Do?"
"Normally, it would be." replied Twilight, "But you're friends with a princess, and as a princess, it is my royal duty to pull strings for those ponies that I favor over others. And also, remember that the last letter of SAT stands for "test", so saying "SAT test" is redundant and it makes you sound stupid, and I won't tolerate being friends with stupid ponies. Now if you'll excuse me I have a meeting with the CIA Agency, then I've got to file my taxes with the IRS Service, and shut down the NASA Administration before they go public with the fact that the Luna landing was a hoax." As the princess turned to leave, she said, "One more thing, I think I'll take the test with you tomorrow, just so I can get another perfect score and have even more proof that alicorns are superior beings and also I'll need somepony to support my alibi. Get a good night's sleep, and also take care of my house that I just realized I'm leaving you alone in."
So after a good night's sleep on Dashie's part, but not really Twilight's because she was busy ~~studying~~ rigging the test... no wait... because she was busy ~~rigging the test~~ studying. Anyways, alicorns don't need sleep because they are superior... or something like that. What do you mean? Of course I had to add "or something like that" because we've ALL seen you sleep. I mean, that's how you got your crown stol- OW! Folks, I'm sorry for my earlier comment, alicorns never require sleep and also Twilight's crown was only stolen due to Spike's incompetence.
Rainbow Dash was so incredibly excited to take her test. Even though Twilight said she only needed a minimum score of negative three to get into archeology school, Rainbow was confident that she could get at least a negative two on this exam.
As she and her princess friend approached Sugar Cube Corner, where they would be taking the test (because why not), Rainbow noted the smiling, friendly faces of the ponies at the front entrance.
"Confirmation forms and valid photo identification, please." they said.
"What?" asked Rainbow. "I wasn't told about any confirmation forms. I just assumed I could walk up and take the test. Twilight, did you know about any confirmation forms?"
"I'm sorry," said one of the mares behind the counter. "but without your forms and a some kind of ID, I'm afraid I can't let you take the exam."
"I'll handle this." said Twilight to her friend. What she said to the check-in mare was a lot less friendly. Twilight gently put her hoof on the mare's shoulder, and after gaining her trust, violently forced her against the wall. "Look at me." she said, "Don't you recognize Princess Twilight Sparkle when you see her? You are gonna let me and my friend take the SAT or I swear I will turn you into a newt!"
"Will I get better?" asked the mare.
"No." said Twilight. "You will have the remainder of your short newt life to reflect on how you should have respected and revered the alicorn race."
"Go right inside" squeaked the mare.
Once inside, Twilight and Rainbow settled into their seats, which would have been directly next to each other, if it weren't for some stupid piece of modern art in between them.
"Hey! I'm not stupid!" said the modern art, which I now realize is Discord breaking the fourth wall.
"Let him." said Rainbow Dash. "Twilight and I already have."
"Discord?" said Twilight, "What brings you here? You're not going to cause chaos by giving these test-takers false hope that they can succeed in life, are you?"
"No no, nothing of the sort." replied Discord. "Celestia split both my mind and body in two, so half of me is alway enduring some form of hell as reprimand for those war crimes I committed. I've taken this test 452 times, and even though they change the questions every time, I know all the answers."
"Wow," remarked Twilight, "After this, I'll go find your other half and I'll interview him, so I don't make the same mistake when I commit my war crimes."
"Everypony... and modern art piece, shut up!" called the exam proctor. "I will now administer the test. If I catch anyone talking or cheating during the test, your scores will be cancelled, and you will be sent to the palace dungeon, and then banished. And then probably get put back in the dungeon, and executed if there's time."
So the proctor passed out the test. Instead of passing it out by alphabetically last name, since not everypony or art piece has a last name, she started with the ponies who's names begin with adjectives, then nouns, then verbs, and finally those ponies who's names are completely made up gibberish, the kind of things you expect to hear shouted during a seizure. Examples include Scootaloo, Zippoorwill, and Greg.
"Now," said the proctor, "I will read the instructions aloud. Follow along in you booklets and do not begin until I say so. The SAT is composed of ten sections, three critical reading, three writing, three mathematics, and an essay. It is very important..."
It doesn't really matter what the proctor said. She's not important and Rainbow Dash knew that, so instead of listening, she thought she'd get a head start on the test.
Part 1: Mathematics
Question 1: What is 4 plus 8?
A. 12
B. 12
C. 12
D. 12
E. 13
Ha! Those idiot test makers. They thought Dash wouldn't notice that typo on option E! What kind of fool accidentally puts a 3 when they obviously meant to put a 2? That's okay though, Rainbow just scratched it out, put what the test makers obviously meant, and then circled that answer bubble. Maybe they'll learn their lesson next time.
By part three, Twilight Sparkle was having some trouble. These weren't the questions she wrote into the test, and she needed help. Even an alicorn knows it's ok to ask for help, so long as you retain the dignity not to repay your debt. Sometimes that requires executing your debtor... eh, Discord is reformed. She'll just frame him for murder. "Psst! Discord!" she whispered. "I need help on one of the reading sections. If Vanilla Cupcake has three sisters and two brothers, and none of them are earth ponies, what is Vanilla Cupcake's name?"
"Try to work backwards." Discord said. "If Vanilla Cupcake's first name is Vanilla, and her last name is Cupcake, what would combining the two get you?"
"Excuse me!" shouted the proctor. "Are you two cheating on the test?"
"No," replied Discord. "I was just telling her the answers."
"Oh, ok, if that's all you were do- hey wait a minute! I thought I also said no talking."
"You never said that." said Rainbow Dash. Honestly, if she had mentioned something that important, Dashie was pretty sure she'd have caught it.
"Ok," said the proctor, "my bad then. You can all get on with the exam."
After that, all the ponies in the room began chattering away, exchanging answers, but not cheating, because cheating is bad and you should never cheat on the SAT. Ever. Because the SAT is controlled by the illumicloppy, and they see everything, because their CEO is Luna and Luna knows your dreams. That's why I don't sleep. Moving on.
At about noon, the proctor said, "Everypony and art statement, please put your pencils down, section 7 is over. We are now going to begin section 8, the timed essay. You will have 25 minutes to write an essay to answer the following prompt. If Princess Twilight and her friends are going to keep banishing evil from Equestria with the power of friendship, and soldiers have been proven useless in the event of a major crisis, why do we even have a royal guard? Your essays will be graded and then be submitted to princess Celestia for review."
This question would be too easy. Rainbow Dash had been preparing for the timed essay all morning. She had even randomly answered 40 or so questions so she would have time to prepare for this essay. The whole thing had pretty much been formulated it in her head already, and basically committed it to memory. It goes something like this.
My name is Rainbow Dash. I am the greatest flyer in all of Equestria. While my current goal is to become an archaeologist explorer like my idol, Daring Do, my life's true goal is to become a Wonderbolt, like my crush, Spitfire. That's why I fangirl so hard. I love the Wonderbolts and I love Equestria, and that's why I'm so great. The End. And also I almost forgot to mention the royal guard is pointless because it can't accomplish anything. The End Again.
There, that wasn't so hard, and it was a welcome change of pace from the regular questions which were actually becoming quite difficult. Now what to do with the remaining 24 minutes of the essay? "Hey Discord." she said. "You want to draw on my essay?"
"Do I ever!" he replied, and with a click of his fingers the paper was covered in depictions of all manner of wonderful things. There were kittens, and puppies, and Night Terrors, and smoothies, and milkshakes, and cyanide martinis. It was all the regular doodles you would expect to accompany an award-winning essay. And Twilight noticed and saw that it was good. Because she was still playing god, and God was getting rather annoyed.
It was the tenth and final section of the test, and Rainbow could do it. Sure, these questions may have dramatically increased in difficulty, but it was nothing she couldn't handle.
Given the set of integers [44, 39, 77, 1, -2, 8], deduce the answer to life, the universe, and everything, rounded to the nearest whole fraction of PI.
A. 42
B. Hard work and dedication
C. Apricots
D. Up up down down left right left right B A select
E. What's an integer?
Yeah, this section was definitely harder than any of the previous ones, maybe even all the previous ones put together. Sweat began pouring down Dash's brow as she worked to answer these impossible queries. Well, when all else fail, spell your favorite word with the answer choices. Let's see. D. A. No S. Rrrahhh! Hell is freezing over and this is stupid!
"One minute!" called the proctor. "Then we can finally go home. I hate my job. If only my Cutie Mark didn't say I had to be... oh that's a tuba. Never mind."
Rainbow had no idea how to answer these last ten questions, most of the words she couldn't even understand. Oh well, might as well fill in random bubbles and hope for the best.
"Time!" said the proctor. "You can expect your test results by mail within two and a half weeks, have a great life and I hope I never meet any of you ever again." Sadly for her, she later met all of the at once, at the after-party.
But at the moment, Rainbow Dash didn't even want to think about after-parties. She just slumped back in her chair and sighed. This made Pinkie Pie very sad, because she had been busy all day planning that party, and Rainbow didn't even show up.
Two and a half weeks later, and Rainbow Dash was at her mail box, and Twilight was there too, with her own mailbox, because the two had been moved next to each other just for this moment.
"How do you think you did?" asked Twilight. "I think I did pretty great, you know, since I'm an alicorn and all. Did you know alicorns are never wrong? Alicorns are the perfect beings, but you come in close second, Rainbow Dash."
As Twilight was saying this, Rainbow had been preparing a bucket and filling it with fluid from a bottle in her saddlebag. Now that Twilight had stopped speaking, she said, "Honestly, those last ten minutes were pure hell for me. I don't want to remember those moments ever again, and I don't even care what score I got. Let's just be over and done with this once and for all."
With that, Rainbow scooped the sealed envelope out of her mailbox and into the bucket, and then tossed in a matched to burn the contents.
"I don't care and good riddance." she said, and flew away.
Afterwards, Twilight Sparkle turned and winked at the camera. You, the reader, were about to run behind cover again, when you realized she was hinting that she did something clever. She swapped the mailboxes. Twilight took Rainbow's letter from the envelope and noted a 2400, the perfect score. Meanwhile, Twilight's own scores and therefore the last of the evidence were being inciner- OW! Do you mind? I'm trying to finish the story here?
Anyways folks, tune in next time when Rainbow Dash realizes that archaeology is boring!
Author's Note
I tried a new style of writing, one I often don't use. I ignored everything logical and just went with my gut. Yep. Completely ignored my brain, only briefly checked in with it to correct spelling and grammar. If you like the story, say something. I want to know if I should do more of these in the future.
