I never thought I'd be the one to be lonely.
Other ponies, sure. Poor ponies, especially.
I mean, when you're too dumb to be rich, then of course you're too dumb to have a life that actually works, right? Everypony knows friendships are stupid. They never last unless you have something to keep it together. Common interests in business, for example. Something that turns it into something more than just company.
Even the so-called 'Elements of Harmony' are only friends because they have their little 'elements' that prove they have to be together to save Equestria and all. I'm sure if there wasn't any magical link involved then you'd just be hearing about Princess Twilight Sparkle all the time. Everypony knows she could do it all herself, even if she wasn't an alicorn.
Anyway, where was I?
Just, company doesn't last, everypony knows that. Company disappears when personalities change, when ponies find better friends, when they move away and never return. Heck, I'm sure friendships can break even without a single good reason. That one filly who sits with you for tea will be gone one day no matter what, and all you're left with is silence and a cold seat at the table. You have that memory of what should be happening instead, but it never comes true. The sweet perfume and the warm chatter over cookies will never happen again, never the right way it should.
You think I'm lying, but that's happened before, a lot, when I was little. And I could never change a thing about it. The ponies who were my friends one day would just close their ears and ignore me the next. Mommy told me it was their loss they were no longer my friends, but she also told me that this'd happen a lot to me in life. Ponies get jealous of other ponies, so this is how they hurt them. I learned that crying over other ponies is wasteful and stupid.
If that was true though. Then why am I crying?
What makes this so different?
Sure, it's Diamond Tiara. Sure, she was my best friend for years unlike the others. Sure, we'd had plans on what we'd do when we grew up and inherited our family's businesses. Sure, this came as a huge surprise, out of the blue, to see her hanging with somepony else. Sure, it was worse when she turned her insults on me.
Was it the time?
Did I let my guard down over the years, did I let myself get too comfortable by the idea we'd be friends forever? Did I do something wrong? Did I get too close?
Did I cut her off one too many times? Mommy says I have a bad habit of that, but did I forget myself around her too much to care? Does it have to do with the secrets I told her, about my crush on Featherweight? Did that make me a dweeb like the Cutie Mark Crusaders?
Was it because I kissed her nose that one time when she tripped?
Has all of this been simmering for a while? Did the bubble just now burst? Did she ever keep a list of what I did?
You know, I realize a lot of this is pointless. I could be a filly-fooling dweeb to her now, but the proof wouldn't matter. Nothing would change, I know that. She has her opinions of me, and I can't change them.
I just wish it wouldn't hurt.
But if it
I guess it's not so much the loss, but the feelings.
It's very strange, at my age now, being a castaway. Being alone. You wouldn't think being as rich and priveleged as I am, I could even wind up here. Again. It all still seems like a dream. Soon, maybe I'll wake up to her phone call. But now I'm helpless. I don't know what'll happen. I don't know if tomorrow, I'll be tormented. Or if tomorrow, some stupid pony will pity me and try to be my friend. Where do I stand now? I'm supposed to be on the top, but now I'm on the bottom.
Dad says I need to get over her. Use my hurt to drive my ideas for his company. Our family business. In a few months, I'll be his, the President's, assistant, and I can start learning the business officially.
What he really means is to tear her down. Tear her and Filthy Rich down, and steal the shattered fragments of their glory for trophies. I don't know if I can do that. Even with this agony, I still sort of, maybe still like her. Maybe I'm weak. Maybe I'm hoping she'll take me back. I don't know. I don't think it would be right to give her a reason to make her hate me.
Maybe Dad's right though. Maybe it's just a dog-eat-dog world and this is only the first step. She's made her move against me, and now I have to make mine.
But what would that do, I wonder? If me and her spiralled into a race, would either of us make it out alive? Or would we consume ourselves in the process, like an Ouroboros devouring his own tail? Or, what if I did win, what would I do then? I can't imagine my life without her, and running a company isn't all that much fun to be honest. I mean. It's fun, but it's not fun.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, running a company would be easy, but there wouldn't be any emotion involved. No sentiments are allowed, you know, when companies are competing for the top and trying not to get out-bought and shredded. It just means weakness. Even dating, when you're running a company, is a game of cat and mouse. Matching yourself to the best eligible stallion and luring him to your bidding, is how Mommy puts it as working out. She didn't marry my Dad for love, but she does love me very much.
I've dated a hoofful of times with the local stallions as practice. They'd all fallen for me without a hitch. Mom's advice is always gold. But, you know, I don't actually date all that much anymore. I'm not really into it, and I guess I never have been. It's boring and there's no real reason to stay with them after all's said and done. No connection.
Is that the future I can look forward to? Schemes and games? Can I face it all alone? I don't know. It's what my cutie-mark is telling me.
I kind of just want to let it all out, to be honest.
I just want to admit to somepony, anypony, that I'm afraid. And if that somepony did, perhaps they could even listen, instead of telling me what I should be doing to 'fix' it. Just not say anything, and listen to me. And sure, it would be convenient if this pony would be rich and handsome and male, but I guess it doesn't have to be that way either. I can't believe I'm saying that, but there you go.
Not that, you know, anypony would actually listen to me. Or respect me enough to listen to me. They just think I'm an uppity snob from a rich family, and they're right. And I'm sure those that would lend an ear would be the grovelers, those sorts of needy ponies that'd just want something from me in return. I guess I'm not really a pony to anypony. They wouldn't care what happened to me.
That didn't used to bother me, but I suppose it does now that Diamond's gone. She used to be that for me, that source of comfort. We'd always swap stories and complain about our parents, and we'd always be the shoulder for the other to cry on when somepony hurt our feelings.
Secretly, of course. Neither of us believed, I think, we should have ever gotten upset by what those mongrels would tell us. But we still did sometimes, when they'd push us to the edge. Nopony ever thought we had feelings, we've each learned to hide them so well. Words hurt.
Silence, I guess, hurts worse. I've never thought of it that way before.
I'm on the edge now, I think. I'm looking down from my balcony. Far away, I see Ponyville. I suppose I do have options I can take, but they're all expectations. Surely there can't be more? I just can't, can't stay alone forever.
Do I hear laughter? Not at me, of course. But it's hard to believe anypony could be happy when I feel so miserable. I hate them.
I guess I also envy them. In small ways. Very small ways.
Like right now, the way they can be carefree and do what they want, the way they can be stupidly optimistic to the future and still go on with the idea of friendship and morals and all that mushy-gushy stuff. I guess if I envy that though, does that mean I want it?
Ew. No.
But, perhaps I could try
Maybe I need to think about this for a while.
Goodnight, Diary.
