Really, there are a lot of orphans and fire in here
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A Train, on Fire, Full of Orphans
Really, there are a lot of orphans and fire in here
The phone rang twice before somepony answered it, which, coincidentally, was exactly twice as long as Lyra Heartstrings liked to wait when she phoned somepony. “Took you your bloody time,” she said, covering her mouth and the microphone with a hoof so her voice could be heard above the screams of so many orphans. “The hell were you doing?”
“Well, I don’t know, I guess I should say that I was minding my own damn business, but then again, my life has absolutely no meaning when you’re not near me, so you know what? I was doing absolutely nothing. I was just staring awkwardly into space, waiting for you to magically appear and bring sense to my existence once again—”
“Charming,” Lyra interrupted. “Look, I have kind of a conflict here, and I…” She sighed. “I guess I need your help.”
Silence. Well, relative silence. There was the sound of the train, and the cries of all those mindless children and kittens near Lyra. And the wind too, one can’t forget the wind. But the thing is, Lyra was quiet and Bon Bon didn’t talk either.
Because, of course, the pony at the other side of the line was nopony else than Bon Bon, chatterbox extraordinaire and, ninety percent of the time, Equestria’s main champion of the Being Ignored For Being An Asshole game. It was a game only Bon Bon played, to be fair, but damn she was good at it. “Oh, this sure can’t be,” Bon said, with that kind of tone that’s a little more high-pitched than usual and comes with a smug smile that only a pony with absolutely no heart can muster. “I’m a hundred percent sure that you can’t be asking me for help. After all, you were so sure you would be able to go and take that train on your own, it’s literally impossible for you to have messed everything up in… How much time has passed, again? Twenty minutes?”
“Look, Bon, I—”
“Twenty minutes, give or take. And you’re already phoning me. My, this is such a surprise; it’s almost as if you were a clueless, useless piece of trash that can’t function properly without me—”
“I swear to Celestia, I’m going to find you and kick your guts out of your brains if I get out of this,” Lyra interrupted. “Can you please stop being an insufferable twat and listen to me, or do I need to get tough?!”
More silence, spiced up with the terrifying sound of children and cats crying in despair.
“Did you seriously use the p-word in here?”
“You really want me to kick you, don’tcha?”
“My, I was going to point out that you can’t really talk to me like that over the phone because I can hang up anytime I want and you aren’t able to physically harm me, but you know what? The way you talk to me has shown me I was wrong! You are such a genius. Of course I can’t hang up! If I did that, I would be doing something intelligent, and that of course would be impossible, because your mere presence completely destroys any chance of anypony being remotely competent. You’re that much of a jackass.”
Lyra groaned and took the phone away from her head. After massaging her temples for a couple seconds, she put it against her ear once more. “Okay, Bon? You’re alone, right?”
“No. I’m in the bloody Bon Clan reunion. I have, like, a thousand millions ponies with me. We’re all reunited at Bon Mountain, and soon we’ll go to a humongous private yacht named the Bon Voyage, and then—”
“Good, so, as nopony can hear you, can you please drop the sarcasm for once? I’m slightly annoyed and I really don’t want to die like this, so yeah.”
Silence.
“Okay, this is serious.” Bon’s tone had lost its smugeness for once, and now she almost sounded like a normal pony. Almost. She still had that horrible accent, which sounded like the one a pony who has lived all her life under a bridge, only listening to stuck-up assholes talking about crumb breads and how to properly get them out of one’s mane would have. It made Lyra want to punch her, but then again, Lyra always wanted to punch everypony, so it wasn’t that much of a problem. “I guess I’ll laugh at your demise later. What’s happening?”
Lyra rolled her eyes. “Finally. Look—”
“Also, what’s that thing I hear? In your background, I mean. I would say it sounds like a bunch of children crying, but that’s imposs—Okay, I forgot I was talking to you. It’s totally possible. I’m listening to a lot of children crying. I am listening to, like, a hundred children crying, right?”
“Hmm.” Lyra took the phone away from her face and turned around. “Nah, you aren’t,” she said.
A sigh of relief. “Oh dear, you have no idea how glad I am—”
“I have far more orphans in here. I mean, wow, at least three thousand.”
Silence.
“Give or take.”
Silence.
“Which is actually part of the reason why I’m calling you! You see—”
“HOW IN THE FRIGGIN’ NAME OF CELESTIA’S HOLY PORTA DID YOU GET THREE THOUSAND CHILDREN NEAR YOU, AND WHY ARE THEY ALL CRYING?!”
“Woah!” Lyra took the phone away from her face and frowned at it. Behind her, the little ponies were still crying. “Just for that, I’m going to set fire to your mother’s jewelry when I come back,” she said, her voice suddenly becoming three degrees colder. “Don’t you scream—”
“LAST TIME I CHECKED, CONSENSUS WAS THAT YOU’RE WORSE THAN POLIO FOR INFANTS, SO EXCUSE ME IF I’M A LITTLE ALARMED BY THE FACT THAT—HOW THE FRIGGIN’ HELL DID YOU GET SO MANY CHILDREN AND WHY DOES IT SEEM AS IF YOU WERE TRYING TO BECOME AN EVEN BIGGER THREAT TO SOCIETY WITH EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DO?!”
“Okay, first of all? They’re not ‘children,’ they’re ‘orphans’.” Lyra squinted. “I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of scientific difference. Like, orphans have a higher hydrogen peroxide concentration or something.”
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!”
“Science. Too much for you, it seems.” Lyra sighed. “Look, the thing is not about the orphans, okay? Well, it has to do with the orphans, kind of, but they’re not my main issue.”
“LYRA HEARTSTRINGS—!”
“Bon Bon no-surname,” Lyra interrupted, “shut up.”
“AT LEAST TELL ME WHY THEY ARE CRYING, YOU HAPLESS SACK OF TURD!”
“Hmm?” Lyra turned around and eyed the orphans for a second. “Well, judging by their faces, chances are they’re crying because of the fire.”
Silence.
“The fire.”
“Yes, that’s what I said.” Lyra raised an eyebrow. “Then again, it’s possible that they’re screaming because the kittens are also crying. Orphans are weird like that.”
“Fire… Fire and kittens. There are fire and kittens with you.”
“A lot of kittens. You can’t believe how friggin’ annoying they are.”
“Okay.” Bon Bon sighed. “Okay, you know what? Just… Just tell me what happened, and what can I do to make you get away from those poor foals.”
“What about the kittens?”
“Focus.”
“Sure,” Lyra said. “So.” She scratched her chin. “I don’t think we have enough time for me to explain you everything, actually. It’s a long story.”
“You don’t have time? What the hell are you even doing?”
“Hm. Long story short? Driving a train.”
Silence.
“What?”
“Well, actually, I’m trying. This thing is surprisingly hard to control, given the fact that it goes on rails. I thought it kind of moved on its own, but far from it.”
“What the hell are you doing on a train?!”
“At the moment?” Lyra squinted again. “Approaching a broken bridge at alarming velocity. That’s kind of the reason why I’m phoning you, actually.”
“WHAT IN THE NAME OF—”
“Oh, and the train has no brakes.” Lyra looked at her right, where a broken lever laid on the ground. “Yeeeah, that was kind of a bummer, wasn’t it? So yeah. Terminal velocity, approaching a broken bridge which leads to…” Lyra licked her lips. “I’m guessing like, five hundred feet or something. Also the train is filled with kittens and orphans. And it’s also on fire.”
Silence.
“Why are you even—?!”
“Bon Bon, I have like fifteen minutes till I suffer a horribly lame death while surrounded by adorable things! Can we please try to focus on the important thing? HOW THE HELL DO I GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE?!”
“HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO THAT SITUATION IN THE FIRST PLACE?!”
“I don’t know, okay?! I was just trying to get to Canterlot and didn’t have any money, so I did the only sensible thing I could do!”
“YOU STOLE A TRAIN FULL OF ORPHANS?!”
“I stole a train, period.” Lyra snorted. “The orphans weren’t part of the plan. I still don’t know why kittens are in here. Hey, you! Yes, you, the fat one! Why do you have so many kittens in here anyway?!”
The adorable little foal, a gray colt, sobbed before answering. “They’re our only friends!”
“Charming. So!” Lyra said, back to the phone. “I wanna get out of here. If I die, I want to die while killing somepony who is, you know, worthy. Not a bunch of little kids that still wet their beds.”
“LYRA, THE CHILDREN’S SAFETY IS OUR FIRST PRIORITY HERE!”
“Sure, whatever rows your boat.” Lyra took another peek at the track in front of them. “Fourteen minutes. Also we seem to be going faster, somehow.”
“Oh, Celestia!” Bon Bon’s voice sounded weirdly alarmed, all high-pitched and loud and stuff. Lyra wondered why. “Okay, okay, I… I need to remain calm. Uh, have you tried to… Eh… Stop the train?”
“Gee. Really?”
“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?! I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT TRAINS!”
“Well, that’s your fault then, but don’t come to me showing your stupidity.” Lyra licked her lips. “Come on, you’re the one who comes up with plans all the time!”
“THAT’S TIME TURNER!”
“It is? Huh. To be fair, I never pay any attention to your plans anyway. I prefer to just set things on fire.”
“Oh my Luna, I hate you. Okay, okay. I need to calm down.” Bon Bon took a deep breath. “Lyra, how does that train work? Magic, coal…?”
“Coal.” Lyra looked to her left. “I’m right next to the firebox.”
“Firebox?”
“That thing where you throw stuff to burn and make the train go faster.”
“Good. Then, try to… eh… put out the fire? Does it have some kind of ‘off’ switch or…?”
“Switch?” Lyra looked around. “I don’t see any here. But maybe it’s in there… Gimme a second.” She put the phone down.
Silence.
A horrible scream.
Silence.
“Okay,” Lyra said, putting the phone against her ear again, “so I threw an orphan into the firebox and asked him to look for a switch, but he wasn’t exactly helpful.”
“LYRA!”
“What?”
“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!”
Lyra frowned. Part of her wanted to reply with something threatening, but the broken bridge was pretty close now, and she figured she didn’t really have time for that. “Gee, no reason to get so angry. Wait a minute, let me try again.” She put the phone down.
“NO! DON’T TRY AGAIN YOU DAMN PIECE OF CRAP! DON’T THROW ORPHANS INTO THE—”
A horrible scream.
“DAMN IT, LYRA!”
“Okay, I’m back. The second orphan didn’t see a switch either.”
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”
“With me? Nothing. I mean, yes, I know the orphans burn faster than a normal pony, but what did you want me to do?”
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!”
Lyra rolled her eyes. “Really? You already forgot? You know, you still find new ways to amaze me with your stupidity every day.” She sighed. “Orphans have a higher hydrogen peroxide concentration than usual, so they burn faster, which explains—”
“LYRA!”
“What?”
“STOP THROWING ORPHANS INTO THE STUPID FIRE, YOU FREAK OF NATURE!”
“Why?”
Silence.
“Please, tell me that you’re kidding and you’re not really asking me that.”
“What? Of course not! Bon, I don’t want to die in such a stupid way, okay?” Lyra frowned. “And I want to kill either Octavia or Carrot Top before dying, so yeah, no time to joke around. What the hell do I do to stop this train?”
“Lyra, you just killed two orphans!”
“Big deal, I still have three thousand or so left. And, I mean, it’s not like anypony is going to miss them.”
“LYRA!”
“That’s what the whole ‘being an orphan’ thing is about. It’s like, their deal.”
“LYRA!”
“Well, maybe the kittens will miss them. I guess I can burn them too.”
“BLOODY HELL YOU DUMB WIT, STOP THROWING ORPHANS INTO THE FIRE!”
“I stopped like half an hour ago,” Lyra said. “Now, I’m sorry to pop your bubble, but we’re getting even closer to the bridge, and I don’t see this train slowing down.”
“WHAT THE F—Okay, okay. I need to calm down. I need to…” Bon Bon sighed. “Just—don’t burn any more orphans, okay? It’s not going to help you.”
“Hmm.”
“I mean it!” Bon said. “Stop burning orphans!”
“Okay, okay!”
“Burning orphans is forbidden!”
“If you say so. Anyway, we need to—Uh.”
Silence. Well, again, relative silence, because the orphans were still crying. In fact, they were crying even harder.
“Okay, so. Good news and bad news.”
“Oh dear…”
“The good news is that I didn’t throw anypony into the firebox.”
“…Okay. Okay, that’s… that’s good.” Bon Bon sighed. “For absolutely everypony else in existence it wouldn’t exactly be the best thing ever, but for you not to burn children alive is a great start, so—”
“The bad news is that the orphans are burning anyway.”
“FUCKING DAMMIT, LYRA!”
“Hey, as I said, it’s not my fault at all!”
“YOU HAD ONE JOB AND YOU MANAGED TO FUCK IT UP IMMEDIATELY!”
“I didn’t do a thing here!”
“IT LITERALLY TOOK YOU LESS THAN TWO SECONDS TO START KILLING INNOCENT CHILDREN AGAIN!”
“Again: it wasn’t my fault. They kind of burned themselves!” Lyra turned to the firey orphans. “Right, children?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“Yeah, what they said.”
“WHAT THE HELL EVEN HAPPENED IN THERE?!”
“Well, I told you the train was on fire,” Lyra said, looking at the flames. “I guess that it was just a matter of time till the locomotive caught fire too. Really, it’s your fault for wasting time screaming at me.” Lyra licked her lips. “At least you’re not being sarcastic.”
“AT LEAST TRY TO HELP THEM, YOU PSYCHO!”
“Yes, sure. With my magic anti-fire powers.”
“YOU ARE A UNICORN! YOU HAVE MAGIC POWERS! THAT IS LITERALLY THE ONLY USEFUL SKILL YOU HAVE!”
“I do, but I have better things to think about than saving orphans of all things.” Lyra turned around and squinted again. “Like, for example, ways to stop this stupid train. I think we’re actually going faster than before, with all those orphans burning in the firebox.”
“You said you only threw two of them in there!”
“Eh, some more fell down on their own. I never said orphans are smart.”
“Oh dear Celestia, why is this even happening…?!”
“Because trains don’t have strong enough brakes, that’s why,” Lyra said. “I swear to Celestia, whoever designed this piece of crap was even stupider than you, Bon.”
There was a sound at the other side of the line, eerily similar to the sound Bon Bon hitting her head against a wall in desperation would have made. “I fucking hate you so much, Lyra.”
“Bridge approaching, you jackass,” Lyra said. “Any idea?”
“Why aren’t the orphans trying to attack you, or, I don’t know, jumping out of the train?”
“Because they’re afraid and all of them are earth ponies,” Lyra answered, “so they can’t fly away. And are stupid. All earth ponies are incredibly stupid, I think.” Lyra frowned. “Wait a minute… Jumping out of the train, you say?”
Silence.
“…Yes,” Bon replied, doubt in her voice. “Yes, that’s what I said. Why do you ask?”
“Because I think you just gave me an idea. Hold on a second.” Lyra put the phone down again.
“Wait. Wait! Lyra! What are you planning to—?!”
A horrible scream.
“DAMMIT, LYRA!”
A weird noise, eerily similar to the sound a train at full speed would have made if it had hit something.
“I SWEAR TO CELESTIA, IF THE ROYAL GUARDS DON’T GET YOU BY THE END OF THE DAY, I’M GOING TO—!”
“Kay, I’m back,” Lyra said, taking the phone again. “The good news is that I know how to stop the train now. The bad news is that I need to put out the fire at the firebox first. But yeah, I think I saved the day.”
“WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!”
“I threw an orphan at the rails.”
Silence.
“The train hit it and it slowed us down for a second, but since the firebox is still burning, we got the speed back pretty soon, so I guess I’ll just—”
“LYRA, I THINK I WAS PRETTY CLEAR WHEN I TOLD YOU YOU CAN’T KILL ORPHANS BEFORE!”
“Oh, come on! It was the blind one. I’m pretty sure it had, like, zero chances of survival on his own anyway. This was less painful.”
“LYRA…!”
“Okay, no, it was actually incredibly painful.” Lyra licked her lips and looked at the wagon behind her, completely filled with orphans and kittens on fire. “Who cares? Now, how do I turn off the firebox?”
“I don’t know, but don’t throw stuff at it!” Bon screamed.
Lyra scratched her chin. “Hmm… But throwing stuff at it is the only thing I can do. Hey, maybe if I throw enough orphans the fire will die? Like, if I cover it completely—”
“NO!”
“Why not?”
“YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SUFFOCATE THE FLAMES WITH ORPHANS!”
“Yeah, I guess I’ll need ’em for the rails.” Lyra shrugged. “Well, I guess I can try to use the cats. Some of them have already burned up, but I’m sure I’ll make it. I’ll call you again if something else happens. I was going to say ‘thanks for the help,’ but as usual, you’ve been completely useless. See ya.”
“NO! DON’T HANG UP! DON’T HANG UP OR I SWEAR I’M GOING TO—!”
Horrible screams everywhere.
Lyra hung up.
“FUCKING DAMMIT!”
The phone rang twice before Bon Bon answered.
“Okay,” Lyra said, “so I made it, but now I’m trapped in a huge desert with nothing but a phone and like fifteen hundred orphans. Some of them are still on fire. Any idea how to get out of here?”
Author's Note
I suck so much at titles, man.
After suffering an arm injury that left me unable to write for more than a month, I had to write something simple to get used to this whole thing again. Completely unrelated (i.e: you can see this as a story with the same characters, but it's certainly not canon) to the Long Story Short, Things Went Down stories). Fun fact: Hydrogen peroxide is used in rocket fuels. That's why orphans burn so quickly. Science!
Also, apologies to Selbi for this one!
