I've Been Better

by MyNameIsNick

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure, Sex, Princess Celestia
Length: 7712

I'm Jem, I'd been leading a somewhat normal life, studying, working, and the one abnormal thing in my life, taking care of her. I was content with life, and then poof, I'm in pretty pony land with pastel in my face everywhere I go. Shi

Jem, our protagonist isn't very happy with his current situation. The situation? Well, one minute his life is work and studying, and the other, he's surrounded by pretty little princess ponies. Jem's patience is about to run dry, what will he do to get out of this mess?

Published 2014-03-13 23:20:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-11 20:30:53 UTC

Oh shit!

Jem wakes up and the first thing he sees is sunlight, the first thing he feels is... Water? Wait, this can't be right. I try to take in a breath I didn't realize I was holding, but fail. I'm drowning aren't I?

SHIT! HOLY SHIT. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

"Fuuuuuck!"

Jem surfaces. Holy shit batman; air in my lungs!

He looks out and sees... Water. A whole lot of water. Whether I pissed my pants just now or not, I do not know, however, I do know that I'm scared shitless. Why? Well there's waves. And waves mean I'm in the middle of the FUCKING OCEAN!

Okay, so the last thing I remember, I was partying with some friends after the game. We'd won 49-27, and booze of all kind were sent to the team captain and quarterback, me. I talked to a few chicks, hung out with the team, then decided to head home and go to sleep. The last thing I remember was my head hitting the pillow. So how the hell did I end up here, in the middle of the ocean with no way of ev-

A ship is sailing towards me. Holy shit a ship is headed towards me! But... It's strange. The ship seems to be something you would see in a movie starring Johnny Depp. A Victorian-era naval ship was coming to his aid, and frankly, Jem didn't give a shit.

"HEEELP!"

Jem hears gruff voices yelling "Drop the anchor!" And "Pony overboard!"

Did... Did they just call me a pony? Whatever I'll bitch someone out for it later, for now I just need on that ship.

The ship stops to a halt and I'm pulled on board, wiping the salt water out of my burning eyes, complemented by the strong scent of salt within my nostrils, I look up. And my mind freezes. The first thing I noticed wasn't the dusty wooden deck, the tattered sails, the dirty rug, or the rustic bow. It was something else.

No, the sailors aren't having a gay orgy. They're all colorful ponies, in little sailor uniforms, on a ship. I take that back, maybe that first thought was right.

"So uh, what the fuck?"

The ponies seem to be stricken, and a few are trying their damnedest to stifle a laughter, more than likely at my choice of words.

One of the ponies walked up, he wore a navy blue cap that just screamed captain, a corn cob pipe, a gruff gray beard, a slightly darker gray than his fur and the same color as his mane.

"Well, kind uh, sir? This here is the S.S Equestria, finest ship in the Behooved Sea." Cap'n Corn Cob said in a gruff voice.

Ha, puns. Well, apparently there's thirteen pony sailors standing right here in front of me, claiming that their vessel is the best in the Sea of Puns. So, where's the camera? I've been standing here mouth agape for around seven minutes, yet no one has jumped out to tell me I've been punked. No such recognition came, no one burst out with a camera to give me peace of mind. Does this mean this is really happening? Shit.

"Well Mr... Pony. Is there perchance a way of getting me home?" Jem said in between breaths, still trying to cough up sea water, and still shocked by the whole ordeal.

"Captain Full Mast, at your service. Well first I need to know where home is, and who you are, I'm sure you can understand. We don't rightly know what you are, it would benefit us all to know a bit more about you." Full Mast said suspiciously.

That name... Jem tries his best to fight back his laughter, to no avail. This caused many of the ponies to shift uncomfortably, and whisper to each other.

"What's so funny?" Cpt. Full Mast asked coldly, which is understandable, being laughed at in front of your crew isn't good for morale.

"Nothing, please, ask away." Fucking shitbag, don't get cocky with me.

"How about we start with your name. What is it?" The captain asked, in a softer, but still irritated voice.

"Jem. Now before you ask another, I'll ask you one, question for question, exactly where are we?"

"Very well, you're in the Behooved Sea, near the Cape of No Hope. We'll be headed to a port near the small trading town of Neighsburg, as obviously our business is more important than you. How close are we to that home of yours?"

Shit, I have no idea where we are. Should've paid more attention in Geography. "Uh, you can just drop me off there." Jem said, rather nervously.

"Very well, we'll arrive in three days. Our newest crew member, Buckle Swash, will show you to your cabin."

I look over to see a little pony, to my hip in height, well they're all that size. It has a dark blue mane with leathery brown fur, and gray eyes that seemed to stare into my soul, literally those things are huge!

"Hay thur ahm Buckle Swash! I joined dis here crew hopin' fer advent'ur an' fight'n' but all's I got is mopp'n duty. How's 'bout you? Why's ya here on our ship? Why's ya lookin' 't me like that? I'll shut up now."

"Good, now, where's my cabin?" Jem said hastily.

"You're bunkin' with me! Come dis a'way. "

Oh god no. I'm staying with this little shit? Jem tried to stop the redness from entering his face. I swear to god I'm going to flip my shit within these next few days.

Author's Note

First chapter of my first story. I hope you all enjoy! Criticism is requested, and I'd love to see your tit- uh thoughts about this here... Chapter. Yeah.

Getting shit done

The three days it took to get to Neighsburg were not very good ones. Not only was I sick, from the vast amounts of seawater I inhaled into my lungs, but Buckle Swash WOULD NOT SHUT UP! He was constantly asking me question after question. I didn't see the sun once, as it was storming the whole time. Fucking great, right?

"Good morning Jem!" Oh great it's captain Butt Munch here to give me more chores. I don't feel like mopping the deck again.

"Morning, captain." Man I can't wait to get off of this boat. It shakes so much, I'm starting to believe it's just an oversized kayak.

"We'll be arriving at Neighsburg within the hour, I suggest you get ready to rid my ship of yourself." Well fuck you too cap'n asshat.

"Thank you for everything captain, if there's anything I can do to repay you, please do not refrain yourself from asking." Not a word captain, not a fucking word.

"Oh that's quite alright son! You're a mighty hard worker son." Yeah, okay pal. In the last few days the captain has taken a liking to me, while it's no surprise that he would, seeing as everyone likes me, it's starting to get a little creepy, like I'm the son he never had, or something weird like that.

The moment we arrived at Neighsburg, I ran the fuck away. I don't think I've run this fast since scoring that epic touchdown back in '08, or maybe when my ex caught me cheating. What a crazy bitch, she never put out. What did she expect? I know I never want to see that ship again, and don't plan to.

Currently I'm walking through what looks like town square. I've seen a few of these ponies using gold for currency, I've done that before, but I was buying pussy. I snatched a few from the ground, and stole a pack of 'em off a dipshit little pony trying to reach for something on the ground. Wonder what I can get with 37 gold coins.

"Hey you! Pony!" I said to a weird looking pony. It's even smaller than the other ones, it's a sickly sea green color with piss yellow eyes.

"Ye- yes sir?" It responded.

What can I get with these?"

"Uh, you could get dinner. And a night at the inn?" It said shakily.

"Thanks, now stop being such a pussy and man the fuck up." I flexed my huge muscles causing the little fuck to shrink, and probably shit itself."

The inn... Sounds like a plan.

"You! I want a beer."

"That'll be three bits, sir."

"Here." I threw the bits on the bar.

"How much for a night?"

"Ten bits."

I handed over the cash, and he handed over a key.

"Please, enjoy your stay."

"Yeah, I might."

After three more beers I retired for the night, with one question in my mind. How am I supposed to get pussy with all of these ponies around?

After waking up with an extreme hangover, I headed into town. I walked around for awhile before I came upon a group of what looked to be bipedal canines. I walked up to one of them, intrigued by this weird ass animal.

"Hey bitch, what the fuck are you?"

The canine with which I spoke to turned to me.

"You should ask yourself monkey boy! Ha ooh ooh ah ah! Monkey boy!"

I responded to this by punching it directly in the face. Two of the canines flinched, though the leader remained calm.

"You fight well, monkey boy. We could use a mercury."

"A what?"

"A mercunary."

"You mean mercenary? Fucking idiot."

"Yes, you will make great pay, if you come with me and my fellow dogs."

I pondered this for a second, I could make mone-

"I'll go."

"We head inland now, we're headed to the File River, to meet up with caravan of other dogs. They give us diamond, we sell, split profit."

"Sure, let's go." Like hell I'm splitting profits, I'll split their heads before that happens.

"Good we leave now. By the way I am Rex, these pups are Milo and Spo. There will be enemies on the way that will want our diamonds stay ready to fight."

We've been traveling for three hours, they didn't tell me it was a three day walk. I swear to jesus I wish I had my truck right about now. I kept on the alert, even though we probably won't be attacked until we get the diamonds, I'm not letting this cash get away from me.
"We'll be at camp any minut-"

And we get attacked. Four ponies covered in black. Two pegasus, one normal pony, and one with a... Horn? What the fuck, there are unicorns here? Just how gay does it get.

"What you want with us?" Rex said, growling the whole time.

Milo and Spot are growling, and baring their teeth, ready for a fight.

"You'll be getting diamonds within the next few days, where are they?"

"We won't tel-"

"Wait!" I intervened. "Please! Don't hurt us, I'll tell you! We're meeting the caravan at the lake."

"What lake? Lake Celestia?"

"Yeah, that one." I'm so pulling this out of my ass.

"Thanks for telling us, coward, we'll be getting those bits now." The unicorn said as they turned around and left.That unicorn is beginning to piss me off, I'm going to rip that horn off his head.

The doggies calmed down and gathered their packs.

"You get us out of tight spot, thank you." Rex said

"Yes, we thank Mr. Jem." I looked over, that was the first time Milo spoke, and I'm a mister? Damn straight.

"No problem, let's get moving, I'm hungry."

We arrived at the camp moments later and settled down. We set the game plan, basically consisting of going through a rainforest to reach the Samare Desert, then heading east to the File River

"Sounds like a plan, I'm fucking hungry, what's for dinner?"

"Salad!" They yelled excitedly. I wasn't as excited.

Fuck.

Author's Note

Decided to do another chapter before I went to bed to get a story going.

Making bank

I awoke to some rustling in the shrub behind me. The dogs were fast asleep, and I alone had to deal with this problem.

I slowly got up, being quiet as humanly possible I tip-toed my way over to the bush. I look over expecting to see some unimaginably grotesque abomination, like that of Scrappy Doo, annoying little cunt. But alas, all I see is a puny snake gobbling down it's supper, a rat, probably attempting to breach our food supply.

"Fucking hell, I thought you were something else."

I turn around and feel a sudden bop on my head, and all is black.

-

I awaken to voices. I open my eyes and see nothing.

'Shit, they've blindfolded me, how will you get out of this one Macgyver?'

"Put 'em ova' there with the dogs."

My blindfold is pulled off and I see the same group of ponies as before.

"Hey Fagicorn, wanna tell me what this is all about?" I demand. Fuckin' fag ponies think they can fuck with me.

"What this is about? Motherbucker, you told us the diamonds would be at Lake Celestia!"

"Yeah, and you fell for it. The fuck do you need from me now?"

"Oh, you mother-" the fagicorn floats a box around, then promptly throws it at my face.

I dodged like a boss of course.

"You thought that would work Fagicorn?" I laugh proudly and give him the finger. I stand up and free the dogs of their binds, only to notice their throats had been slit, and must have bled out hours ago. This filled me with rage, they killed my comrades, I'll have their fucking heads! 'Time to get out of here.'

And, of course the Pony Rangers get in the way.

"Move aside or I'll rip that horn off your fucking skull."

"Do it." Oh, you're gonna taunt me? This unicorn is about to feel some serious pain.

I charge them, the Pegasi are already dive bombing me. Without breaking stride I grab both of their heads and slam them together, both of them out for the count, that unicorn is my main target, the rest are just small fry. Next up is the earth pony, headed straight for me with a venomous look on his face, I brace myself for impact, and swiftly kick him in the face, instantly KO'ing him. Only the unicorn is left, and oh, will I enjoy this.

"It's just the two of us now bud, ready for your dirt nap?"

"I've been ready to kill you all day, MONSTER!" He spat with venom.

Now this, see this really pissed me off. Me? A monster? I've been nothing but kind to the ponies of this world, and I get called a monster? He's the monster, he killed the dogs. The unicorns eyes were wide, filled with fear, as I had a very dark lookmon my face.

"You're dying today. You killed them, and now I'll kill you. You're the monster, FUCKING DIRTBAG!"

I charged him, dodging his puny shots of magic all the way. Grabbing his horn I pulled him up and looked him in the eye.

"You killed them, my friends."

I grabbed his head and pulled on his horn, ripping it off almost effortlessly.

"You'll never use magic again. Don't try and find me, because next time it'll be your head."

I swiftly turn around and leave. I'd never seen anyone die before, let alone a friend.

I've got to finish the job, for them.

I head towards the File River, fully intending to get those diamonds.

-

I've been running for hours, and there's no sign of this fucking river. I'm dirty, cold, hungry, and very close to losing my shit.

Splashh

That's the sound of running water! Sweet buttery jesus here I come!

I walk towards the river, fists at the ready, been ambushed too many times recently to not be cautious. As I get through the brush I see three ponies and a cart full of diamonds, next to a huge river.

As I approach them one of them holds out their hoof. "Halt, this delivery is for three diamond dogs, you don't look like a diamond dog to me." Shit, I hadn't thought about this.

"They uhh, they're back at our camp. They decided to let me handle the pick up."

"Okay then, what's the password?."

What. The. Fuck.

"Uh, password?" I reply; dumbfounded.

"Yeah, you're supposed to say the password before we can hand it over."

I start to sweat. Okay I can handle this.

And handle it I did. I charged them, sending two out of the way, and one grasping the edge for dear life.

I grab the cart and look over, and see the pony losing its grip. Shit. I rush over and grab the brown earth pony, and pull him to land.

I grab the cart and haul ass out of there.

Okay, the camp is a two hour haul, and it's nighttime, great. Should I stop here or keep going? I don't have any shelter here, and I can't sleep on the ground, I'll get sick like that. I decide to make the trip, grumbling I stand up and head to camp.

-

After a grueling two and a half hours, I make it to the camp. I cover the diamond cart with pine and start a fire, collapsing on my sleeping bag from last night I can't help but think about Milo, Rex, and Spot. If I wasn't so carefree all the time and tried to save them they wouldn't have died. It's my fault, I should've taken them out when we first met them.

-

I wake up and run over to the diamond cart. I pull off the pines and check, safe.

I piss on what's left of the fire pit, zip up and grab the cart.

I got a long way to go before I get to Hoofshire.

I start to head off before I realize, what if these diamonds are stolen? What the hell should I do? If I take them to a bank I could get arrested on the spot. Maybe I should take them to an appraiser first.

I head to town, getting more and more nervous every step I take. I can't stop thinking that they're stolen, and I'll be a criminal. Shit shit shit, I'll get ass raped in prison by some bigass pony hopped up on steroids. Please, let this work.

-

I pass the bridge to Hoofshire, passing through town with my cart. Jealous stallions stare viciously, not even close to intimidating. I head to the nearest appraiser, nothing ventured nothing gained I suppose.

I walk in and head to the counter, and ring the bell. Shortly after an older mare walks through, surprised at my presence she gets big eyed and whimpers. I give her a disarming smile and show her the diamonds.

"I'd like to get these appraised please."

She grabs the diamonds and studies them, all 401 of them.

Forty-five minutes later she finishes.

"These are great diamonds, good size, they're uncut though so I'd say their total worth is 2,051 bits."

"So uh, exactly how much is that?"

"You could buy two mountains, a river, a mansion, and have money left over."

"Okay, holy shit. Who will buy these?"

"I will, here take this."

She hands over a check for 2,051 bits.

"Uh okay, thanks."

"No problem!" She yells back as I leave. Okay, so where is this bank?

I head towards town square, assuming it will be there. The whole way there I receive glares, and looks of fear from the population. Well, fuck you guys too.

-

I enter the bank and see a line consisting of two ponies. After waiting thirty some minutes for them to finish, I walk up to the receptionist.

"I'd like to open up a bank account and make a deposit."

"Umm, o-okay, we'll have someone with you shortly. Please fill out this paperwork." The receptionist replies.

I fill it out quickly, it just needed my name, and birth date.

Shortly my ass, it took an hour for the damn pony to arrive.

"Hello, my name is Full Pouch, I'm here to help you set up your bank account."

"Alright let's do this."

"So, I've got everything set up for you, here's your Golden Hay Banking card, now you said you wanted to make a deposit?"

"Yes, here you go."

Her eyes widen, and her mouth opens a bit.

"Okay, I'll get this in. Thank you for your time, you can make a withdraw at the front if you'd like."

"Will do, and thank you."

I head to the front and withdraw 50 bits, time to get some sleep.

I head to the motel I slept in last time, grab my key and drop a few bits on the counter.

I walk in my room and crash on the bed.

Author's Note

Sorry for taking so long to update, I'll try to get a schedule together for adding new chapters.

All aboard the ship to Feels- Canterlot!

I awoke in a cold sweat, a quick glance out of the window told me it was probably around midnight. I wiped my forehead, and thought about what had put me in this dastardly damp state. I’d had a nightmare, it started with me sitting on a throne, a crown atop my head, and a silver spoon in my mouth. Underneath me were the bodies of Milo, Rex, and Spot; I saw myself laughing maniacally, though I couldn’t see my face I knew in my heart it was me. I don’t know what it means, but I damn well don’t like what I saw. I don’t know what, but I feel like this has some meaning deeper than I know. Oh well, I’ll try to get some sleep.

I awake again to joyous sunlight in my eyes. I’d been having trouble sleeping as of late, so waking up to sun was like music to my ears. Props to whoever rose the sun today, kidding, like anyone could really do that. I get on my feet and walk over to the wooden desk and sit, I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere today. I’d been in a darker mood lately, I couldn’t get the dog-, my comrades out of my mind. I couldn’t stop blaming myself for their deaths, I couldn’t stop blaming myself for everything. I’d been thinking of home. My home… This is the first time I’ve thought about home since being on the ship. I’d thought about her the whole time, she was my responsibility, and my comrade. We’d fought the world together, and now she’s alone. It seems like every time I get close to someone, they end up disappearing one way or the other.
“Dammit!” Jem balls up his fists and slams them on the table. “Why the hell do they all leave?!”
I get up, trembling, on the verge of crying, pathetic. My stomach rumbles, and I become aware of exactly how hungry I am. I make my way to the door, exerted from carrying the cart the previous day, I have a hard time taking the stairs down to the lobby.
“Good morning!” I look up, surprised to see the owner not drunk and asleep.
“Uh, morning.” I really don’t feel like making small talk today pal.
“You’re uh, a tall feller huh?”
“Yes, and you’re annoy-“
Dammit Jem, remember what she said, be nice.
“Ahem, would you happen to know where I could get some breakfast from around here?”
“Yes siree! I just whipped a batch of haycakes. My son will be here soon, so please make yourself at home.”
Oh goodie, company.
“Thanks for the hospitality. I’ll go ahead and take a seat here.”
I sit down at the bar and he puts a plate of pan- haycakes in front of me, my stomach rumbles again and I greedily inhale everything on my plate.
“You must be mighty hungry! I’ll have another batch ready in say ten or fifteen minutes.”
It’d been fifteen minutes already, didn’t he say his son would be here soon? Not that I mind.
“Okay, thank you. Say, where’s your son? You said he’d be here around this time.”
“Yes, he should’ve been here already. Oh, I’m startin’ to get nervous.”
“Well I hope he’s okay.” Not really.
“That’s alright, he’ll get here eventually.” He chuckled, I almost joined in, until I noticed what was behind the old man.
It was a picture of him and his son, underneath it next to a lit candle was a mini tombstone that said R.I.P Room Sweep, loved son and co-owner of the Noble’s Last Stop inn and bar. I stood silent for a while and he seemed to notice my gaze.
“Oh son, there you are!” He… He’s talking to me.
“Wha- What?”
“I’m glad you could make it! I have haycakes on the way, so sit down and wait. Now tell me, have you dropped the wanderlust and decided to start working with ol’ pop here at the inn?”
“Uh.”
“Don’t be shy now boy, I’ll be right back with those haycakes, you stay still and don’t run off again, you know your mother wouldn’t want you running off again.”
He left and I instantly wanted to leave, but decided against it. Is he serious? Or is he actually bat shit crazy? I doubt I look even close to his son, seeing as I’m not a pony. I wanted to leave so bad, but I felt like I had to stay by some means of obligation, I have been staying at his inn, and he even made me haycakes. Maybe I’ll play along for a bit.
“So son, you enjoying being back home? Have ye’ gone to see Buck yet? He said he wanted to see you when you came back, said he has something to show you.”
“Uh, no, I haven’t talked to Buck yet… Pops.”
“Well you should give him a visit later, but for now, how was your visit to Canterlot? Meet any mares to bring home for a visit with pops?”
Shit. I have no clue where this Canterlot place is.
“Uh, no, sir. I was uh… Busy the whole time… With work.”
“Oh, I understand, you always were a busybody just like me! Why, I remember when your mother caught you up all night working on your school project. Boy, was I proud, I thought my son will grow up to be a respectable stallion, and I can’t say I was wrong.”
I was a bit shocked. I’d never been talked to like this before, a heart to heart talk between father and son.
“I- I just want to make you proud pops.”
“I know son, well the haycakes are done, I’ll be right back.”
He came back shortly with another pile of haycakes. He watched me eat silently, it would’ve creeped me out under normal circumstances, but I’d noticed something, a hint of pride in his eyes.
“It’s almost noon son! How time passes when you’re talking, you should go talk to Buck, I’m sure whatever he has for you is sure to be good.”
“Thanks old man, I’ll uh- I’ll be seeing you later.”
“Goodbye now, and son.”
I looked back from the open door, staring right into his emerald eyes.
“Remember to be who you want to be in life, no matter what happens, don’t forget, it’s your life, and no matter what obstacle stands in your way, keep fighting to be that man you want to be.”
“R-Right, thanks.” I responded shakily.

I left the inn.

“What a good boy, I’m sure you’ll be going places, Jem.” The old man said to himself.

Heh, what a sucker, free haycakes just for acting like his son. So, now where to? I think I’ll get a map, and decide where I want to go from here.
I headed to town square and saw a big building with steps leading to double doors, I assume this is town hall. I enter the building and instantly see what I need, a local map of Neighsburg, and a map of… Equestria? I open the Equestria map and point out my location, and then locate this Canterlot place, as it has peaked my interest. According to the map Canterlot is… Across the ocean. Then I’ll need to pass through three towns on the way. Though there seems to be train stations along the way. So, my first priority here is getting across the Behooved Sea. Time to visit the Port.

So, apparently Neighsburg is a huge trading town. Ships from all over Equestria come here with supplies. I decide to speak with some sailors about making my way to Canterlot.
“Hello, sir!”
The pony turns to me and almost screams.
“Hey, calm down! I just need to know if anyone will take me across the sea.”
“Our ships are used for official Equestrian trading, not precious little cargo like you. Get lost, maybe you’ll have better luck over there.”
Admiral Asswipe points to a rusty little sailboat, with a young stallion standing in front.
“Okay, maybe I will fuckface.”
I turn around and head straight over to the stallion. I notice he has a pearly white coat, a golden brown mane, and icy blue eyes. He doesn’t look much like a sailor to me.
“Hello, would you happen to be heading to Canterlot?”
“Huh, oh, yes I was just about to set sail, though I hadn’t planned on taking any commoners with me.”
“Commoners? And exactly who the fuck are you?”
“Uhh, I’m… Just a sailor, the name’s Blue Sails, what can I do for you?”
“I was wondering if you could take me with you.”
“Uhh, no- no, no, wait. Perhaps I could use you, come along then I’ll let you come with me, but, you’ll have to return the favor.”
“And how do you suggest I do that?”
“Not yet, just wait, I’ll tell you when your help is needed.”
“Okay then, let’s go.”

We set sail for Equestria’s mainland. Something smelled fishy, and it wasn’t the ocean, it was Blue Sails. He’s up to something I know it.

After we’d set sail, me and Blue sails sat down in the cabin. It was pretty awkward, as neither of us were talking, so I decided to break the ice.
“So, exactly why are you headed to Canterlot?”
He was startled by my speaking so suddenly, and got nervous, most likely by my question.
“Uhh, just have some business to take care of.”
Way to say nothing, somehow I don’t see this ending well for me.
“Don’t we all? Now, where will I be sleeping?”
“Below decks, I’ll be in the cabin if you need me.”
Nice, this sounds just great. I head down and grab my blanket and pillow, laying down on the cold wooden deck.
What the hell am I doing? I’ve got no idea where the hell I am, I’m just wandering aimlessly, I’m a man without goals, without a reason. A man without a reason is a dangerous one, I can’t become that.

I need to find my reason.

I woke up to sunlight. No nightmare, no waking up throughout the night, just a good night’s sleep. I headed upstairs to see Blue Sails at the wheel.
“Good morning!”
“Morning. Breakfast is inside.”
Breakfast, sounds good. Blue Waffle is being awful short with me this morning, what’s his problem?
I sit down at the table and eat the cold cornbread left for me on a dirty plate, how nice.
I gobble it down anyways, and think once again about home, about her. She always told me to be nice to everyone. Though I’m not nice to everyone, I’m nice to those who earn my respect. She earned it, so I took care of her. The time I spent not studying or working, I spent with her. I love her so much, more than anyone else, and I haven’t seen her since I woke up in this fucking ocean. Will I ever hold her again? I remember the day we met, a nice sunny day like this one. I was in the park, I loved to walk up to the park and sit, and just think. I’d think about so many things, girls, the newest video game, even politics. But this day, when I sat down I wasn’t alone, there was a little girl, maybe a preteen sitting right next to me. Me being the paranoid adult I was, scooted the fuck away. I was on the edge of the bench, and must have looked funny, because she laughed at me.
“What’s so funny kid?”
“You. Are you always so weird?” She giggled and wore the brightest smile I’d ever seen.
“No, are you always so nosy?”
“Maybe.”
“So uh, where are you parents kid?” Her face bore a darker expression.
“I don’t have any.”
“Uhh ok, so do you live with someone around here?”
She pointed to the woods. No.
“I live there.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s not bullshit!”
“So, you live in the woods.”

“Ye-“

“HEY!” Blue sails voice brought me back to reality.
“Wha-What?”
“Did you not hear anything I said? Pirates are boarding the ship!”
“Shiiiiiit!”

Author's Note

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash punches Starlight Nova in the face.

Covered in seamen

I walked outside and was met with the inviting sight of pirate ponies armed with swords boarding our little fishing boat. Now, I may have been intimidated, if they weren’t four foot tall ponies. I almost laughed, but they charged so I had to wreck their shit.

“Chaaaarge!” One pony yelled at the top of his lungs. Man, it’s too early for this shit.

All seven ponies charged at once, the first one to arrive was given a quick kick in the face, and was swept aside like a sack of feathers. The second tackled Blue Sails, they rolled around, the pirate on top of Blue. They struggled, cussing, and breathing heavily the whole time. The pirate had his neck, Blue desperately fighting for air, grabbed the other ponies’ arms, using brute strength to move towards him, stabbed the other between the eyes with his horn. The pirates eyes going wide, and going limp on the unicorn’s horn. He stood, and shook the other pony off of his horn. This is a pony I could fight with. Two more rushed me, I punched one, grabbed him and threw him at the other. I rush the remaining three, easily knocking them off board. I laughed as they scrambled about in the water, taunting them, to come back up and try again. Then a big ass pony shut me up by punching me in the face.

Here I was, on the deck, cold blood pouring from my nose, and the only thing I could see was red. My nose was throbbing, probably broken. I couldn’t move my right arm, more than likely I hurt it while mowing down those other ponies. I tried to get up, but fell on one knee. Blood in my eyes, I could hardly see. I turned to look at Blue Sails, who was shaking in his boots. Shit, I’ve got to take this guy don’t I?

I shakily get on my feet, grabbing my left arm, I spit out some of the blood that’d gotten in my mouth. I looked directly at the pony who’d decked me just moments ago. He was looking cocky, laughing, that pisses me off. I felt a rage like never before, I hadn’t been this mad when I arrived here, not when she left, not when I watched my dad drink his life away, and my mom be too weak to protect herself or me. I stood up straight, and watched as his eyes turned and looked into mine, he glared, but I wasn’t scared. I was furious.

I charged him, throwing my right arm directly at his face. He dodged, and kicked me in the ribs, it hurt like hell, I fell on my right knee holding my ribs, he made to kick again, but I’d had enough. I grabbed his hoof, and pulled him towards me, everything burned, I could feel a few broken ribs moving about as I pulled him closer. I wrapped my hands around his neck and squeezed as hard as I could. Fighting the pain, and his struggling, I wouldn’t let up, not now, not after he’d hurt my pride like that. He squirmed about, and I could see the fear in his eyes, almost begging me to stop, to let him live, because he didn’t want to die. Tears fell down his cheeks as my grip got tighter and tighter, his veins popped out, and his eyes looked like they’d burst at any moment, I shaked his neck, and he went limp. Feeling the perspiration of both of our bodies, I panted above his lifeless form. I had won.
I stood up, and watched the pirate ponies that were still awake back away, then rush to their ship as fast as they could. The ship sailed away, and I stayed on one knee for a while, until Blue Sails made his way over to me.

“Quite a fight, huh? To be honest, I didn’t expect you to be this good, that was, well brutal to say the least.”

“Heh, you’re one to talk.”

“That is true, however, we’re talking about you right now. You fight well, and deserve a reward, come with me.”

Not well enough, that last fight was proof enough.

“Coming.”

We entered the cabin and he started to work on a meal as I sat down. He said he was making vegetable soup, I love vegetable soup.

While he was preparing the meal, I took the moment of peace to think. About my parents. Growing up I didn’t have a lot, we were poor, and every paycheck went towards food, bills, and alcohol. My dad was a carpenter, he could make anything. I remember him building my bed for me, that was one of the very few possessions I had, and I treasured it dearly. He’d work hard every day, and bring home the paycheck every week. Though we had enough to get by when it came to food, we’d be late on bills sometimes, because every night he’d go to the local bar, drink six beers, then bring six home to drink until he fell asleep. He wasn’t always abusive, before he was the nicest man I’d ever known, but then he got fired. He’d come home drunk, with even more drinks, and would yell and curse at me and my mother. He’d beat her, and when I tried to protect her, he’d beat me. I loved my mother, but she was so weak, and I couldn’t be weak. My fists got rougher, and my wits quicker, and I beat his ass out of our home. Last I heard of him, he’d died in Chicago, trying to make a quick buck at the local liquor store.

“Here you are.”

Blue Sails came in with the soup, and it smelled delicious. I was so hungry, I could distinctively smell the ingredients. The garlic, tomato, pepper, salt, and the beef. Wait, beef?

“Uh, you put beef in it?”

“Yes, I can tell you’re omnivorous, so don’t try to hide it from me. Just look at those teeth, it’s obvious.”

“Huh, so… are you eating some?”

“No, I have my own batch. No way am I eating that.”

“I bet you would if you were starving.”

He grinned.

“Maybe.”

I dropped my spoon before I could even take my first bite, I would never have guessed he’d say that!

“Haha, kidding; kidding!”

“Holy shit, I was freaking out. Don’t scare me like that man.”

“Heh, anyways. You seemed to be deep in thought, what were you thinking about?”

Huh. I was pretty surprised when he asked, no one ever seems to concern themselves with me.

“Uh, just thinking about home, you know.”

“Yes, I think about home all the time, it’s why I’m going back.”

He seemed to be sad when saying it, I wonder what’s bothering him.

“Yeah.”

“So what’s your home like?”

“My home? Well, a lot like yours to be honest. Everyone acts happy-go-lucky, and preaches about love and tolerance, but they’re all a bunch of hypocrites. Your neighbors are quick to stab you in the back without a second thought, and friends are fake, acting like they care, but when you’re in a tight spot, the only one there for you is yourself. That’s just the way the world is, you have to be able to handle yourself, not let others handle you. Or you’ve already failed.”

His eyes widened, and he nodded along with everything I said.

“My thoughts exactly, the only one in the world you can trust is yourself. That’s why I’m here now, and not ba-.”

“Back where?”

He started to sweat, and moved around in his seat.

“Nowhere, anyways, I’ll be heading to bed, don’t think just because you got hurt that you won’t be working. I expect you up bright and early.

He walked away, and headed to his room. I stared down at my bowl. He was the first pony who’d even bothered to ask what I was thinking about, or what had me down. He’s a different kind of pony, no one else would give me the time of day, and even if they did, they wouldn’t care. This pony, this is a pony I could fight with. I put some soup in my spoon and took a bite, though delicious, it was cold. Great.

After finishing I headed to bed. I lay down, and try to sleep, but can’t. Something’s tugging at my mind. It just seems no matter how hard I try, I can’t help but feel myself turning into my father. That’s why I was afraid; afraid to take care of her. Out of fear that I’d do to her what my father did to me.
…

I awoke to the sunlight in my eyes once again. I got up, and put my blanket and pillow back in their barrel. I walked up the ladder to the deck, and saw Blue Sails on the masthead, looking out into the blue sea. It was the third day of our voyage, he’d said it was a seven day voyage to get to Port Whinny, afterwards, we’d head west to Canterlot.

“HEY!” I called to him.

“GOOD MORNING!” He yelled back.

I climbed up the ladder leading up, to see what had him so interested. He was looking out into the distance, and instantly I saw what he’d been looking at. An armada approximately fifteen miles out. I don’t know who it belonged to but it sure scared the hell out of me. There were around 40 ships, all armed to the teeth with cannons.

“Don’t worry, those are my ships.”

“Uh, fucking what?”

“Yes, they’re mine.”

“So, if those are yours, why are we in a fishing boat, and why did we have to handle the fucking pirates?”

“We have to be conspicuous.”

“So, you hold some kind of naval power, what are you, a military leader or something?”

“Something like that.” He chuckled.

“Okay, so why are they out here?”

“Well, we were travelling quicker than I had anticipated, and we’re about twenty three knots away from Port Whinny, and they’re here to greet us.”

“Ah, so how long until we get there?”

“An hour or so, there’s no obstacles on the way there, so you’re not needed.”

Wow thanks.

“Okay, see you later then.” I headed to the cabin and sat down at the table, consuming the oatmeal left there, which was strangely still warm.

This guy isn’t who I thought he was. What else is he keeping from me? He owns forty ships… That’s insane. This could either be a good or bad thing, good in the case that I have a powerful ally. Bad, because he could have something in store for me, something I probably won’t like.

I sat there, my ribs and arm still hurt. My nose was broken, I’d put it back in place, but it still has to heal. I stared off into the distance, counting in my head, waiting to reach port. I’m so tired of seeing nothing but the blue ocean. It wasn’t as bad on Half Mast’s ship, because I was in bed, battling the fever. After what felt like forever, Blue Sails came in to tell me we’d arrived.
I came out and saw a huge port town, it’s so big, it should be called a port city. There were ponies unloading our belongings on the dock. I could still see the fleet of ships out in the distance, and one was docked a few ships away.

“I’ll be meeting the captain of that ship over there, I just need you to walk with me around town.”

“Blue.”

“Yes?”

“Nothing.”

I had to talk to him later, he’d been hiding things from me, and I needed an explanation.
…

We checked into a five star hotel near the center of the city, with a name I couldn’t pronounce. The room was incredibly fancy, and huge. There was two beds, a balcony, a fridge, and bathroom. The tile felt good on my bare feet, and the air conditioning filled my heart with joy.

“I could get used to this.”

“Well don’t, because we’re leaving tomorrow.”

“What?!”

“We have to head to Canterlot as soon as possible, and the captain was kind enough to get us a carriage to take us to the next town over.”

I harrumphd, and sat on the bed. I didn’t want to be leaving so early.

“Get some sleep. We’ll be getting up bright and early.”

“Yeah yeah, good night.”

“Good night.”

I lay down, and for once, had no trouble falling asleep.

Author's Note

Sorry for the late update, hope you enjoy!