Call Me 'Buck'

by Vermilion and Sage

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Rarity, Other, Pinkie Pie, Braeburn, Twilight Sparkle, Random
Length: 1817

A story about Buck Norris. He is the most badass stallion in all of Equestria...and you might be tempted to tell a joke about him. Don't.

Everypony knows Buck Norris. He can break a Pinkie promise. Braeburn is gay for him. He raises the sun and moon with one hoof. No, he is not a myth. He is real, and the only reason you are still alive to read the fic is that he has spared you long enough to do so. Read it, or he will banish you by roundhouse kicking you to the moon.

Story by 'red Sage

Coverart by MarineACU on deviantart (not quite the same as I write him, but holy crud it's better than what I threw together for it)

Old Cover by 'red Sage (looks awful but if you want more Buck Norris jokes they're here...) Link

Published 2014-03-14 02:50:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-14 02:50:05 UTC

Buck Off

Friday night. That one night of the week where everypony could kick back and relax. Corn filled the feed trough during the day, but after the sunset it flowed from a jar. So did the apples, the wheat, the barley, and every last organic substance under the sun ponykind had found a way to make alcohol out of. Some ponies drank in moderation, but most had consumed one, or two, or twelve too many.

Braeburn wasn’t about to let himself become one of the latter...at least until he got back home. But that wasn’t for a while yet, and the night was still young enough to have some fun. Sweeping his eyes across the bar and dance floor, he took it all in. The young pegasus mare standing on the edge of the floor, a pretty little thing with a starlight white mane and a green coat, and a quill cutiemark was just begging to be taken out onto that floor for a good swing dance. Then there was the unicorn, her blonde mane covering one brown eye as she sipped slowly from her drink. She was sitting alone, and the short frown just begged him to go over and keep her company. Deciding between which one he wanted to comfort for the evening was going to be a hard choice -- until he realized he didn’t have to make it.

Seated next to Big Macintosh on one of the barstools, a burly dark brown earth pony buck was quaffing from an oversized earthenware mug. Though Braeburn couldn’t see his face, the scruff of a beard hung down the stallion’s cheek, a light brown to match his mane. A small gold necklace in braided style declared him to be the bearer of a minor element. Oh he’s mine. Summing together all his swagger and confidence, Braeburn trotted over to plant his rump down on the empty stool next to the stranger.

“Hey there big buck, what’s goin’ on?”

The stallion set his mug down slowly and regarded Braeburn, one eyebrow raised over his calm, gray eyes. When he spoke, it was deep and collected, as if the weight of the earth sat behind each word. “It’s just ‘Buck’.”

The necklace held a brooch, set with small gems depicting a hoof in the middle of a kick. Huh...never heard of that one before. Undeterred, Braeburn pushed on. “Well alrighty then, Buck, how ya’ doing?”

“Just fine.” Buck returned to his drink, looking ahead as if Braeburn wasn’t even there.

Oh that is not going to work, mister. Braeburn slung a foreleg around the hefty stallion. “How about I buy you another drink there, Buck?”

“I’m fine.” Buck pushed the offending limb of his neck and went back to enjoying his drink. Unable to let such an opportunity go to waste, Braeburn decided to go all in. A kiss on the cheek oughta turn him right around.

Stars flashed before his eyes, and after a few moments Braeburn realized his rump was planted squarely on the floor, his back against the bar. Darkness licked the edges of his vision. Above him, the jingling of bits hitting the counter caused him to wince, and then Buck stepped into view. The stallion deftly placed a stetson on his head, and walked right out of the bar.

“Y’allright there, cousin?” Without waiting for an answer, Big Macintosh dragged Braeburn off the floor and plunked him back on the stool.

“Um, I think so. But what was his problem?”

“Oh, didn’t ya’ know? Buck Norris aint gay for Braeburn.”

“How could you? HOW DARE YOU?! Evil-bad-notgood-horrible-meany!” screamed Pinkie Pie as she ran after Buck. She knew he could do crazy and stupid things from time to time, but this was just beyond the pale. It was beyond the pale on the other side of reality! “I’ll get you for this!”

Down the path and through the trees, around the rocks and over ravines, along the gullies and across the meadows she chased him. She chased and ran and hounded him so, but could never quite seem to catch up. Pinkie knew that she was fast, but Buck was hell-bent on doing something dumb, so there was no catching him. Not this time. She skidded until she slowed to a stop, sat down on her haunches and let out her rage for the heavens to hear.

“WHY?”

At her cry, Buck turned around, pity in his eyes. He trotted slowly back to her, and Pinkie couldn’t quite keep the tears from her eyes. Gently, he pulled her into a tight embrace.

“I’m sorry, Pinkie.”

“It doesn’t matter, you promised!”

“Pinkie, any other day I’d bake cupcakes with you, but Celestia and Luna are going on vacation in a little bit here, and somepony has to raise the sun and the moon while they’re gone.”

In her heart, Pinkie knew he was right, but the cupcakes just wouldn’t have the same kick without him. “But you Pinkie promised! NOPONY CAN BREAK A PINKIE PROMISE!”

In response, Buck Norris let her go, straightened his hat once again, and galloped off into the sunset.

Elegance flowed through the air of the massive ballroom as the cool breeze floats above a smooth river. The sound of strings echoed over a floor where the finest in displays of ballroom dance took place in an atmosphere steeped in fine wine. It was an evening in high society, and she was ready to enjoy every last moment of it.

“Excuse me, are you Miss Rarity?”

“Why yes I am.” She looked over to find the source of the voice, a tall handsome unicorn stallion in a fine suit and top hat. “What can I do for you, good sir?”

The stallion in question was fidgeting slightly with his tie. “My name is White Gold. Would you allow me this dance?”

Oh yes oh yes oh yes! “I would be quite pleased.”

Without further word, Gold took her foreleg and led her onto the dance floor, where the two immediately took up the waltz the band was playing. He led each step with courage and resolve, and she followed with grace and poise. He was a supple stallion, and the feel of his hooves on her own was warm and soothing; the brush of his coat as it met her fur was enthralling. When the music ended, the two remained in embrace, neither wanted to let the other go. It seemed natural to continue into the next song, and only fitting that they should make some conversation to pass the silence.

“I heard that you are maker of fine formal wear for mares and stallions of repute, is that correct?”

“That I am.”

“Hmmm, well I was wondering if I might be able to ask you to start a special line of formal wear for myself on occasions such as this.”

“But whatever could be wrong with your attire? You look quite dashing.” The music picked up again and the two swung into the next dance.

“Well…” White Gold dropped his voice until Rarity had to strain her ears to hear him. “It’s just not quite what I had in mind.”

“Oh? Well what would you be looking for then?”

“Do you have any saddles with frilly lace?”

The question was so sudden that Rarity stopped in the middle of the dance, causing White Gold to trip over her and plant his face neatly onto the floor. One foreleg still clasping his, Rarity was dragged down on top of him. Several of the nearby dance partners cried out in shock. Gold was slow in getting up, and so Rarity took the first hoof that was offered to her. Upon reaching a standing position, she saw the fellow who had helped her up was a stallion in a lacy baby-blue saddle and a stetson hat.

“I’d be careful if I were you, miss. He’s gonna want one for himself, and a few dozen friends to boot. Might be a bit out of your schedule.” Before she could respond, the stranger trotted off, vanishing into the crowd.

Princess Twilight Sparkle and Corporal Flash Sentry rounded the corner of the castle hallway to find an entire mob of ponies clamoring amongst themselves. Flash adjusted his helmet, frowning at the disturbance.

“I heard Nightmare Moon has nightmares about Buck Norris!”

“Well I heard Buck Norris was the first pony to do the sonic rainboom, not Rainbow Dash. And he did it on the ground!”

“Did you know that Zebras were invented when Buck Norris invented the first chariot and ran over a herd of white ponies?”

“Discord smoked pot with Buck Norris once, and he was stoned for a thousand years afterwards…”

“That necklace he wears? It shows that he’s the bearer of Roundhouse Kick. The last time he used it, Tom turned into a diamond.”

“Somepony told me that Buck Norris jumped into the mirror pool -- and nothing happened!”

“You know that Celestia writes friendship reports to Buck Norris, and he doesn’t write back, he just yells loud enough for her to hear.”

“You wouldn’t believe what happened to the last mare that clopped to a picture of Buck Norris, she--”

The room fell silent as a hefty earth pony stallion entered the room. Flash always had prided himself on his exceptional eyesight, and now it helped him get a good look at the newcomer as he strode through the break the crowd had made for him. The stallion was wearing a baby-blue lace saddle, and Flash felt a burning desire to go and find one for himself. Oddly enough, his cutiemark looked liked an exact copy of himself. How could a pony ever have a special talent in...himself? This is crazy. He took Twilight’s foreleg in his own, and started to lead her out of the room when the stranger stopped before the two of them.

He reached out one foreleg, as if he wanted a hoofshake from Flash. Never being a stallion to deny a good pony such a courtesy, Flash let go to reach out to him. As soon as his fetlock left Twilight’s, the purple alicorn leapt forward and took the outstretched limb. With a smile on his face, Buck Norris led Twilight away, and off for a dance. Flash stood there, his mouth agape, wondering how somepony could have possibly stolen his waifu.

Author's Note

I tried to write this as a R63 of Buck Norris, but it came out with him as a stallion anyways. Sure showed me. If you somehow missed that last one, know that Buck Norris can steal Flash Sentry’s waifu-and yours too, so don’t get cocky.

This came about from seeing a Chuck Norris joke thread on Semper Silly...I mean Semper Filly. Then...gears started turning, hoofs met faces, and that was how Buck Norris made Equestria.