Vinyl Scratch Becomes The Chief Justice

by fuck mcdickbutt

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Princess Celestia, DJ P0N-3, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Prince Blueblood
Length: 1461

This is why you don't make the Judicial Branch a volunteer orginization.

This is why you don't make the Judicial Branch a volunteer organization.

Published 2014-03-14 21:30:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-14 21:30:04 UTC

Time To Do Some Law

VINYL SCRATCH BECOMES THE CHIEF JUSTICE

BANG

"ORDER IN THE MOTHAFUCKIN' COURT!"

An entire courthouse's worth of heads turned to see the new Chief Justice- a small white unicorn mare with an electric blue mane who, in breaking tradition, had just kicked in the front door of the Canterlot judiciary like a S.W.A.T. team and yelled out gratuitous amounts of profanity.

The cathedral-shaped chamber was completely silent, save for the occasional cough or sneeze, as she (very slightly staggering) made her way up the long walkway and to the massive wooden judge's chair. She sat down on the raised platform, flanked by a white and black Alicorn seated slightly below her on either side.

She took off her purple shades with her magic, rubbing them clean on her wild mane and placing them at her side. The entire crowd began to shift uncomfortably as her piercing red eyes bored like a drill into their sense of security. The judge's gaze, ever shifting, seemed to flitter over each and every member of the crowd; everypony there felt as if she were looking directly at them, singling them out. Only too much did they know that this "skill" came from hours and hours of constant drug abuse and out-of-control drinking- the new Justice was already well-known in Cloudsdayle, Ponyville, and Detrot as the premier DJ and entertainer for many night-clubs.

But they were not ones to question the just decision of their beloved Princesses. If they wanted to try something different accept the first pony to see the classified ad and walk through the door, then that would be the praise on their lips as soon as they were asked. They also understood that when the Princesses MADE that decision, they probably didn't account for the fact that certain DJ's had upwards of five pegasus roadies that could use their combined wing-power to pull said DJ up to the city in a detached bathtub at record speeds.

Vinyl Scratch loved her roadies. They always had her back.

By the time she got there, there were about three other candidates racing for the job. However, these ponies were indeed NOT Vinyl Scratch, and could therefore not drunkenly wield an empty whiskey bottle with the kind of dexterity that she could. Her first action as Chief Justice was to stimulate the medical insurance industry.

The world-famous DJ looked out over the crowd, contemplating her first words. From her experience as a DJ, one would usually kick down the front door while yelling a witty quip; she had taken care of that. Now she had to make some sort of introductory speech.

She glanced to each the Princesses at her flanks, who shot her pained expressions. Princess Celestia, to Vinyl's right, was currently thinking about what a bad idea it was to make the Chief Justice a first-come-first-served occupation, and questioning exactly how she came to that decision. Luna, the moon goddess, was twisting in regret for getting her sister slugged on a mixture of bleach and Applejack Daniels the night before.

"Ahem." She said, noticing that her voice was amplified by what she assumed was a built-in platform mic. "GOOOOOD MOOOORNIIIINNG CANTERLOOOOOOOOT!"

The cathedral hall practically shook, the vibrations from the amplified voice echoing off of the flying stone walls. A few ponies in the crowd, clutching their ears, filtered out into the center aisle and made their way outside.

The crowd watched apprehensively.

"Well then." Vinyl's high voice toned down a bit as the last of the few ponies left, the door slamming shut with a BOOM. "Now that we've weeded out the weak ones, let's get started. Who's suing who?"

Luna's platform activated as she spoke, amplifying her voice like Vinyl's, albeit a bit quieter. Tones of half-diluted annoyance managed to make way into her voice. "Today's trial is not a lawsuit, your honor."

"Yes." Celestia spoke, standing. "This is a matter of government. My nephew, Prince Elador Blueblood, has been accused by the offense of political corruption and attempts to cause unrest." The crowd murmured, most of them having only read the news that morning. Nopony particularly liked Blueblood -he was well-known for flaunting his noble birth and station almost daily- but he had supposedly gone too far by allowing his vote in the Senate to be influenced by outside bribes.

At this point, the Prince and his legal retinue had been ushered up in front of the crowds, sitting at a long conference table. Vinyl could spot at least five lawyers among them. (The lawyers being the ones that looked the most like child molesters- she had no idea what an actual lawyer looked like.) The Prince had his golden mane coiffed up into an Elvis-like style.

"We are ready to begin proceedings." Said the Prince, standing up and speaking in his usual noble's accent. His lawyers and retinue all nodded furiously, jotting down what he said and making note of his mood whilst doing so.

Vinyl, at this point, had popped open a fresh can of booze and begun to slug it down. The entire crowd looked on expectantly.

Draining the can, crumpling it up, and throwing it away behind her, she spoke happily. "Oh, Blueblood? Aaaah, shit man! I remember you! Me and you used to do lines at Cloud Nine in Cloudsdayle! Remember me? I had my mane dyed camo, and I went by the name Highlander!"

Blueblood's already-white face promptly turned a shade of white usually reserved for Klan rallies, and he sat down. Vinyl waved her hoof. "Whatever, man. Bygones. Nobody's the same when they're on the salts."

"Princesses, we would like to request a change of judicial administration based on a previous connection with the defe-"

"OVERRULED!" Vinyl screamed, interrupting the furthermost of Blueblood's lawyers. Several of the ponies in the crowd were now checking their eardrums to make sure they hadn't popped, and the lawyer looked incredulous as he was blatantly cut off. "Jesus CHRIST, I've always wanted to do that."

Another lawyer stood, addressing Vinyl formally. "Your Honor, judges aren't allowed to have any personal connection to the defense under class four paragraph five sectio-"

"I'll glass you." Said Vinyl, her eyes boring into the speaker.

"What?"

"I'll glass you. It means, in layman's terms, to hit someone in the face with a whiskey bottle hard enough that it breaks apart and shatters spectacularly into a billion little sharp and shiny pieces. It's not fun for the receiving end."

The lawyer turned red, gathered up his briefcase, and left. He would take his chances with the Blueblood Administration.

Through this, the Princesses were silent, Luna and Celestia saying nothing. That is to say, not because they didn't WANT to say anything- every time Luna would open her mouth to speak, Celestia would shoot her a dirty glare and remind her telepathically how hung over she was. She would then delve into a long string of cuss words, and Luna would stop listening.

"Alright, now that THAT's taken care of, who exactly is suing them?" Said Vinyl. Luna tried to correct her, but was silenced when her sister yanked on her energy mane with a burst of magic. Celestia spoke this time.

"That would be the Princess Twilight Sparkle and Administration." Said the Sun Godess. Vinyl scratched her head.

"Who the hell sues someone that they have the power to immediately execute anyways?" She inquired. "Ah, never mind. ALRIGHT EVERYPONY! Here's how this is gonna work. Each DJ- sorry, I meant party- is gonna get up and present their evidence and case. We flip a coin to see who goes first." Vinyl smiled, looking out expectantly over the confused crowd. "Whichever group gets the loudest, longest, most AWESOME applause wins!"

"You know the penalty is EXECUTION, right?" Screamed Blueblood at the top of his lungs.

"I DON'T EVEN CARE!" Responded Vinyl. "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"

*** *** ***

Octavia was making eggs. The mouth-watering scent wafted from the pan, the steam lit up by a ray of golden sunlight.

She smiled, finishing them off and dishing them out onto two plates using a metal spatula. Looking over at the newspaper that had arrived minutes before, her face twisted into an expression of mild interest. She walked over to the cozyy living room, where a speeling white unicorn lay contentedly, on a sofa, snoring.

"Hey Vinyl? Did you know Prince Blueblood was executed yesterday?" She said, placing the newpaper onto the table next to the couch.

Vinyl woke up, and looked at the paper through lidded eyes. "What time is it?"

"Ten O'clock. And apparently, the Prince was executed yesterday."

Vinyl smiled. "Huh. I had no idea."

-CADE YYZ

Author's Note

Y DU EYE RITE TINGS