I Am Anonymous

by nanayoung

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 1713

Anon is many things. A traveler, a servant, a king, a scribe, a mechanic, a musician, a soldier, a god. The list goes on and on. But right now, Anon is a man on vacation. What might happen if the ponies meet this wonderfully chaotic being?

Vacation. Who said that I needed a vacation? Sure things were getting a bit stressful, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.

You tried to blow up a McDonalds because they didn't put cheese on your burger.

Hey that is totally justified! I asked for a double cheese burger with extra cheese. No one was even in the restaurant during the time I ordered so the cashier lady obviously stiffed me on purpose.

You attacked an ambassador because you though he was a French spy.

Oh come on, you saw the guy. He was acting all suspicious and stuff. Plus, he had a goatee. Everyone knows that wearing a goatee makes you evil.

You blew up Ann's car because you thought there was a killer sleeper monkey hiding in the backseat with an ax.

Well... okay admittingly, that was a bit ridiculous...

You ate a bunch of cockroaches because you thought they were high in fiber.

Oh come on---

You attacked one of your assistants because you thought his brain was made up of the rotted corpses of your enemies who built a spaceship and were trying to kill you by talking.

...alright, I admit I was a bit stressed out.

A bit?

Okay, a lot. But did I really need to vacation here?

It's a peaceful place.

It's full of magical talking ponies for God's sake.

Look, just relax, for all you know, you might actually like it here. Besides, we won't have to worry about anything bad happening. It's a peaceful planet, with little to no trouble.

That was just what I was afraid of.

Oh be quiet Anon.

Published 2014-03-15 15:40:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-15 15:40:05 UTC

First Impression

My first impression is...

Wow.

Just wow.

Everything is so... bright.

Really, really bright.

My God, it is so bright.

And the colors are so... yeah.

It's just... it doesn't seem real.

No literally, it does not seem real. It's as if some eight year old girl decided to draw in the universe or something.

My God, everything looks so... fake and cartoonish. This does not seem like a real place at all. Seriously.

It's just... I know I came here to get some peace and stuff, but really.

I'll take hostile takeovers over... cuteness.

And everything is so black and white. Well not literally, but metaphorically. Like, that forest over there. I can already tell that it's "evil" or some such nonsense just by looking at it. It has that stereotypical "aura of darkness" that is prevalent in shows for toddlers or eight year old girls. It's dark, gloomy, grey, while everything else is bright, cheerful and full of color. I can already tell that some creature or monster will come and try and attack me the moment I step foot in that place. And in contrast, the really really colorful scenery will probably lead me to a magical adventure full of happiness, friendship, and rainbows.

Hmm. Dark and gloomy forest, full of bloodthirsty creatures, or a colorful and bright path full of butterflies and unicorns.

I walk into the dark forest, idly walking past some cowering wooden wolves. I crossed a green furred mini horse and with little to no warning, picked him up and threw him behind my shoulder, to where the hungry wolves were huddled up. I really didn't have time to talk to trash, and from what I could tell from his mind when I glanced at him oh so briefly, this was a particular breed of trash that really deserved a kick in the nuts.

The fact that it was an intelligent, green horse carrying a whip and actually scowling in the distance with expression on his/her face, did not bother me in the slightest. I had seen far weirder in my lifetime.

I continue on, ignoring the yelling and screaming coming from behind, and can already feel the "darkness" surrounding me, as the light is slowly closed off with every step I take. My hearts beating, I'm scared, someone help me, this is so scary, yadda, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, blah.

It's not that scary. Not even on my top thousand list. It's gonna take a lot more than lack of light and a little muffled yelling to make me scared.

Suddenly, a bloodcurdling roar rips through the relatively calm atmosphere, making everything silent.

Honey, you're gonna have to try better than that.

A long drawn out scream comes from behind me, and another roar echos throughout the silent night.

I'm still not scared.

A cry. "Please, somepony help me!"

Boring.

...wait.

"Somepony?"

Really?

Lame.

Another scream, this time filled with animalistic pain. "Oh dear Celestia, it hurts so much!"

Not working. Gonna have to try harder.

This guy must have seriously large lungs or something, because this time, it's so high pitched it could have broken glass. It was
immediately followed by the sound of bones crushing and flesh tearing. This is accompanied by the unknown beings fervent attempts to rupture my eardrums using his really irritating voice.

This is so ameturic. I have seen better ways to scare someone in a children's haunted house. You really need to get a better act.

Aren't you going to save him?

Huh?

The guy who is presently getting eaten alive. Shouldn't you save him?

But I'm in the middle of something here.

In the middle of what?

I'm too busy tempting fate, if you must know.

You can tempt fate after you save this horse.

Do I have to?

Yes.

But why? It defeats the whole purpose of feeding him to those wooden wolves in the first place.

We need information Anon. We don't know where we are, or what this universe is like.

Not true. We do know that this is the land of sunshine and rainbows. It's the reason we came here in the first place, at your insistence I might add.

Well we needed a break. We were too busy, and too stressed out. This type of happy-go-lucky universe is just the type of vacation we need.

Oh come on, we were not stressed out.

You almost bombed a McDonalds just because they left out the cheese on your burger.

That is a valid concern. How the hell are you supposed to eat a double burger without cheese?

A sigh. Can we just save the talking horse already. We need information, about the specifics of this world.

Alright, alright. Sheesh.

...stupid voice of reason.

I heard that.

Shut up.

Author's Note

Meet Anon. He's many things, but right now he's just a guy on vacation.

Reflections

Reflections

The green horse was surprisingly talkative once I sat down with him. Then again, I was holding one of his severed legs in my hand at the time.

No matter though. He still had like, three of them left.

So the little dude told me all about the place I was in. How the land I was in was called "Equestria", a magical land filled with, you guessed it, unicorns and rainbows. There were also pegasuses too, as well as regular ponies.

And yes, they do call them ponies here.

These "ponies" also have these things called "cutie marks", that appear once they find out their super special talent or whatever.

I swear to God, this guy was not kidding. I even double checked his mind just to see if he was having me on. But nope, the dude was dead serious. And nothing I got from his thoughts indicated that he was mentally ill or his memories had been tampered with.

It all came from the mouth of a green, talking horse. Don't you think that was proof enough?

Hey, for all I know, he could have been a mad scientist experiment or something. You know the type of shit we get into. It wouldn't have been that far off.

...true.

Besides, I would take a mad scientist any day over this bullshit.

I mean, ponies? Actual unicorns and pegasuses and shit? What am I, six? Why in God's name would you actually recomend a place like this?

Hey, you weren't exactly arguing when we went over the vacation plans a few weeks ago.

What do you mean, "I wasn't arguing"?! I was totally arguing! I never wanted to get a vacation, I was fine!

Anon, cut the bullshit. You were not fine, you were going crazy from stress. Again. And we always take a vacation whenever we're stressed out, because you know what happens when you go crazy.

Dude, I'm having a conversation with one of the many voices in my head. I'm already crazy.

You know what I mean smartass.

And you should know that taking a vacation is not a good way to relieve stress. Something always happens whenever we go on vacation.

Well, maybe this time will be different.

...

A sigh. Yeah, I don't believe me either.

Actually, I think you might be right this time.

...seriously?

Yeah. Don't get me wrong, this place is fucking horrible---

You've been here all of two minutes.

---but at the same time, it's disgustingly peaceful.

I mean think about it. This world seems to be based on an eight year old girl's dream or something. Talking magical ponies, princesses, the disgustingly large amount of bright colors in peaceful places while all the dark and scary places are dark and full of stereotypical XP monsters. Everything is in a metaphorical black and white world view.

Take a look at the species so far. Everything that looks harsh and scary is obviously evil and bloodthirsty, and you can tell just by looking at 'em. If it is dark, cold, and grey, then it is obviously an evil monster. There is no in-between or compromise; if it looks evil it is evil. And this isn't a racist mind view; this is actually a cold hard fact. In this world, if you look scary, you are cold, cruel person who just wants to make people suffer.

And in contrast, everything that's pretty and colorful are obviously peace loving creatures who don't want to do the slightest bit of harm. And again, there's no compromise on this; if it looks pretty, then it is nice and kind and will want to be your friend.
Hell, the green pony back there was actually a nice guy all around. Even though he was a slaver, he actually treated his slaves nicely, which boggles the fucking mind. Who the hell ever heard of a nice slave seller?

Good thing you put him back together again. Making it seem as if it was all an acid dream was actually a nice touch.

Yep. I got someone off drugs and slave ownership in just a few seconds. Am I awesome or am I awesome?

I'll take a third option.

Ha ha. But seriously, a world like this probably hasn't had a major conflict in thousands of years. Everything is peaceful; there are no major wars or catastropes, everyone who is "good" seems to be happy. The dictator princess actually seems to be a nice person who cares for her subjects. There are no villians, no conflict. This is a calm and collected world; nothing much happens here.

All in all, this might actually be a place were we can loosen up for once. We won't have to worry about crazy ass shit happening while we're minding our own business. We could just kick back and relax.

I'd hate to say it, but this might have actually been a good idea after all. I really needed a break from all the fighting and bloodshed, and this might actually be the type of vacation I need.

...
...
...
...

Okay, who are you and what have you done to Anon?

Shut up.

Author's Note

In Which Anon analyses the world around him.

Yeah, so things are a bit slow, but I swear some action is coming up.