Conversion Bureau: Bloody Show Ponies!

by Bilbo Dingo

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover, Human, Alternate Universe
Length: 2794

Celestia's guards have advanced onto human land and are rapidly converting humans into new foals. But all that stops when they meet 9 mercenaries, which fight in a way they've never seen before. NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN SERIOSULY!

As Celestia and her army have advanced onto The humans territory, she smiles as the conversion is a complete success. But her army is soon stopped by nine mercenaries, each unique with certain weapons and skills.

Note: NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! I just did this for a laugh and a chuckle.
So why not?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-18 14:54:41 UTC

Bloody show ponies!

It had been one year since Equestria landed in the Pacific Ocean, and Celestia deemed Humanity as ‘unfit’ and tried to convince them to convert to ponies. But they didn’t go along as she planned they would so now she’s trying to convert them by force. It has taken some time but they have been able to land on the West coast of North America, and some of Eastern Asia. They convert the humans by taking control of the area then converting all who live there. The converted humans or New foals as their called, now have to deal with an entirely different life and rules. Many of them despise the ponies as others just try to accept it. Right now the Royal guard is advancing westward, but two Certain Company called ‘Mann Co.’ and ‘Builders League United’ or ‘BLU’ for short. Has decided to send in nine mercenaries in to stop the advance, if they show there skill here, then they while begin the next phase of the plan.

A Division of Royal guards was moving over towards the next town to convert. They had done this several times so they knew what to do. Send the Pegasus to attack from above, get the Unicorns to fire magic spells as the Earth ponies charge ahead.

As they approached the town, they saw the outline of nine humans. They mainly thought it was the local law enforcement but having a closer look they were nowhere near close to that.

The first wore a simple blue shirt and shorts with dog tags. He had sneakers on and wore a cap with a headset on it. He seemed to be carrying a double barrel shotgun.

The second wore a blue coat and boats, wearing a helmet that blocked his eyes from being seen. And also had two grenade on him. He was also holding a rocket Launcher on his right shoulder.

The third was…different, he wore a blue fire-proof suit, holding three flame grenades and wearing boots. He wore a mask covering his entire head, and it was unsure as to what this person actually looked like.

The fourth had simple pants and a vest on him carrying six projectiles, along with a blue shirt under the vest and boots. Also had an eye-patch and a cap. Carrying what looked like a grenade launcher.

The fifth was the largest of the bunch, wearing a giant vest with bullets wrapped around his shoulder and waist, along with Simple pants and boots. His hands also seemed to be larger than his head. His feet seemed too small to support the giant body. He was also bald.

The sixth had goggles on, and wore overalls with boots. He also had a helmet on, and was carrying a giant toolbox on his shoulder.

The Seventh wore a doctor’s coat, with boots, Blue rubber gloves and glasses. He had a pack on his back with a tube connecting so some sort of small cannon. But had some hair on his head.

The Eighth on wore a blue shirt and vest, with four bullets in one of the vests pockets. Long pants, Shoes and a bag to probably place arrows in. he wore sunglasses and a bush hat.

The last wore a suit and tie. Along with a mask that only revealed his eyes and mouth. He also had a cigarette and was carrying a butterfly knife.

Apart from the first and last, they each had a yellow and blue emblem on their arms. All of them different. The commander of the division thought that they had enough troops to take them on. He raised his Sword and Yelled.

“Charge!”

As the ponies charged, the mercenaries all smiled. Some of them started to charge chanting different things.

“Let’s go, let’s go!”

“Last one alive once, Lock the door!”

“Freedom!”

“Go, Go, Go!”

“Move, Schnell!”

And then Battle Raged.

The first one- you know what, I’m sick of using numbers. These are the Team Fortress 2 Classes. Scout, Soldier, Pyro, Demoman, Heavy, Engineer, Medic, Sniper and Spy.

Scout laughed as he made his way through the guards. His Scattergun blasting his way through the guards as he hopped over their heads and through the squads. He soon pulled out a baseball bat in which he started to beat the skulls of the guards in. he soon found himself surrounded by a group of guard who aimed their spears at him. He just grinned as he pulled out a small coloured can and took a huge gulp from it. He then soared over the guards and startled many of the guards by rushing through all the Squads and soon pulling out his Scattergun again.

Soldier laughed as his rocket launcher blasted him in the air and blowing up the squads. He took a chance to reload when he saw some of the guards getting to close with their spears. He quickly pulled out his shotgun and blasted them all away. He reloaded his shotgun and just finished reloading his rocket launcher. “If god wanted you to live he would not have created me!” he said before aiming his rocket launcher at his feet and firing. He was soon soaring in the air with fire on his boots and holding a shovel. Some of the Pegasus guards tried to get him but their skulls were cracked by the shovel. He laughed before pulling his rocket launcher out, and firing it twice at the ground, clearing the way for him to land before firing the last one at a charging squad. He reloaded his launcher and charged for the next group.

Demoman drank from his bottle of Scrumpy as he fired grenades at random, hitting the Guards, exploding them. He then saw a squad head for an entrance into the city. He grinned as he made his way around on of the buildings and to the entrance the guards where running for. He pulled out his sticky bomb launcher. He fired until all Eight were on the street, he then pulled out his Scrumpy and took a swig from it. He then saluted the Guards as he activated the bombs and the squad was no more. He saw a rogue Pegasus guard flying straight for him. He took another swig from his bottle before smashing it into the Pegasus’s face. Causing the bottle to break. Demoman looked at his broken liqueur before pulling out his grenade launcher and charging like made for the ponies, firing randomly.

On one area of the battlefield, the loyal Guards of Celestia ran for their lives as fire followed them. Unfortunately, one Guard fell down. Causing him to be surrounded by the flames. He searched for a way out until he came face to face with the Pyro’s flamethrower. He screamed before a torrent of fire flew towards him. Once the pyro was finished with that, he pulled out a flare gun and ran to get a good shot. He was soon able to see a Squad about to retreat, but they were soon caught in an explosion of fire. He then pulled his flamethrower out again before charging out of the flames and towards the retreating guards.

In the Sky, the Pegasus guards tried their best to get into the city, but they were fought off by the Engineer and Sniper who were both on rooftop buildings.

Sniper cracked a grin as he shot another Guard down. He quickly reloaded his rifle as he shot another down. But he didn’t notice the few stranglers who had made themselves onto the roof and got ready to attack him from behind. But he soon looked back to see a fair amount of Pegasus ready to attack. He turned and pulled out his SMG before unleashing the small torrent of bullets at the guards. Hitting them all. He then heard a thud behind him causing him to jump. He turned around to see a very large and heavily armed Guard, possibly being the Pegasus commander for the division. He knew he couldn’t pull out his rifle and he was empty on his SMG ammo. He dropped the SMG and pulled out his Kukri. He called a battle cry and he fought with the commander for a while until he finally disarmed him and put his Kukri through the body of the commander. He pulled his Kukri out, picked up his SMG and went back to shooting the incoming Guards.

Meanwhile, Engineer was sitting on a chair tuning his guitar. While his level 3 sentry continuously shot down multiple Pegasus. The double machineguns quickly shotting down any who tried to get close, and the rockets blowing multiple Pegasus away. Engineer soon finished his tuning. He strummed the strings before a huge explosion shocked him awake. He saw his sentry in pieces with some Pegasus holding bows in the sky. He remained seated as they landed on the roof. “Human, surrender now or we will have to use force.” The leader said. He just smiled and strummed his guitar before smashing it over the Pegasus leader’s head. The rest tried to pull their arrows out but the Engineer pulled out a blue glowing shotgun. He fired three shots, killing them with critical kills. He sighed, went over to his dispenser, pulled out a toolbox and set up his sentry once again. Hitting it with his wrench until the sentry was a level 3 sentry. He then sat back down with another guitar, tuning It again as the remaining Pegasus started to retreat.

On the ground, the heavy weapons guy shouted “Cry some more!” as his minigun tore through the advancing guards. But he was soon hit by some of the unicorn spells. He soon pulled out a sandwich and started to eat. “Nom, nom, nom. Om nom.” After eating the sandwich, his injuries seemed to disappear as He soon pulled out his minigun again and started to mow down the guards who tried to reach the human but were shot before they had a chance, with heavy saying. “Sandvich and me going to beat your ass.” While he continued to shot, a lone earth pony guard who had lost his weapon was right behind the heavy. He slowly crept up and tried to buck the human. He bucked the heavy in the back. But to his disbelief, the human was unaffected, and slowly turn around. He cowered in fear at the huge human. The heavy made his minigun disappear before punching the guard in the face. The guard’s dead body on the floor with a fractured skull. As the heavy did this, he failed to notice the guards closing in on him. But he soon heard yelling behind him as the guards had been shot by needles, countless needles. “Move, Schell!” Heavy saw the medic charging with him holding his needle gun. “Thank you Doctor!” he yelled before pulling out his minigun again. “Come Doctor!” he yelled as the medic pulled out his medigun and followed the heavy.

The commander looked in shock as his troops fell at the hands of these humans. As the mercs slowly got closer, he decided to retreat. But before he could, a rocket from the soldier blasted near him and his second in command. The commander was in pain but tried to get up. He soon saw the hoof of his second in command, who didn’t have a single scratch on him. Much to his surprise. He then turned to the battlefield. “Retreat! Everypony retreat!” he shouted before looking down and seeing his second in command’s corpse. “What the?” but he soon felt a sharp pain in his back before dropping dead instantly. The guards around him gasped as they saw the spy, holding a blood covered knife. “I never really was on your side.” He said before pulling out a revolver, shooting two guards before disappearing.

The once strong division of Guards, whoever was left retreated and tried to run back to the converted city they had deployed from. The mercenaries getting together celebrating their victory. While a camera from a tall building zooms in on them.

As the screen showed the victory, two people were watching. One was a woman wearing a blue and red dress with black hair. The other a muscular, Shirtless Australian wearing shorts, chest hair the shape of Australia, a moustache and a bush hat.

“I know that, but what are you giving them?” the Australian said.

“The same they will usually get.” The Woman said. At that moment, the screen showed the Heavy carrying a whole new minigun while the soldier is holding a new hat.

“Well, they have proved their effectiveness.” The Woman said.

“Alright. Now what?” the Australian said.

“Now, Mister Hale. They do what they do best. And push the bomb right to the Equestrian capital.”

Now the Mercenaries are pushing the cart containing a bomb across the West. Fighting off any groups of guards that tried to stop them. And with the Mercenaries placing so much pressure with the Equestrians, the regular military have started to push them back. Once the mercs reached the coast, they took a ferry to Equestria. Fighting off the Equestrian navy, and any incoming Pegasus. Along the way, Mann.Co and Blu had all given them new weapons and hats. Soon they were back on land and started pushing through until they reached their destination. Canterlot.

At Canterlot, in the trainyard. Royal guards stood at the ready for the incoming human mercenaries. Another group of guards was trying to defend and stop them at the station. But the guards were in the yard for last stand. At the back of the yard, was the elements of harmony bearers each wearing their necklaces. Along with Spike the dragon, Big Macintosh and Zecora.

“Thank you three for coming.” Twilight said.

“Eeyup.”

“Of course, I would never leave you behind Twilight.”

“I am honoured to join you. Hopefully we win or we’re threw.”

The sound of a carts wheels rolling against the track caused the ponies to get ready. Especially Princess Twilight and her friends who were preparing the elements to trap the humans in stone. As the elements glowed and the bearers started to hover with glowing eyes. A distinctive voice was heard.

“I am fully charged!”

Soon the door opened and the elements fired its rainbow beam directly at the first mercenaries to walk out of the smoke. As the bearers touched the ground again, they smiled as the smoked cleared and expected to see nine stone humans.

Instead, what they saw shocked them. Instead of nine stone statues. The Medic and the Heavy were both glowing with a blue metal like body, while the rest of the team caught up with them and with them, the cart.

All the Mercinaries looked different from what they first looked like. The Scout now had a back scatter, the sandman and a milkman hat. The soldier had a Original, buff banner and a escape plan. Along with the cloud crasher hat. The pyro had a degreaser, flare gun and a back scratcher. And a bubble pipe hat. The demoman had a loose cannon, Scottish resistance and an eyelander. With a pirate hat. The Heavy had a brassbeast and the killing gloves of boxing, with a soviet gentlemen hat. The engineer had a gunslinger and an engineer’s cap. The medic had a crusaders crossbow and an ubersaw, with a private eye hat. The Sniper had a huntsman, a jar of jarate and a bushwacka. And an anger hat. The Spy have an ambassador, cloak and dagger, eternal reward and a red-tape recorder, with a fancy fedora.

But soon with a laughing and super-powered heavy. The only people and ponies left were the mercenaries and the elements, Spike, Big Mac and Zecora. All were shaking in fear.

“What are we going to do?” Spike asked Twilight.

“I don’t know Spike, the elements didn’t work.” Twilight said. But as she said that. The elements started to spaz out and jumped off the bearers onto the floor. They all glowed before emitting a huge light blinding all of them.

After the light dimmed down, the remaining ponies each had matching uniforms and weapons to the mercenaries. Except the uniforms were red and the weapons gold.

“Wow! I thought this would be heavy.” Spike said as he held his weapon.

“Eeyup.” Big Mac said as he lifted his Brass beast

“Oh, interesting.” The Medic said.

The two groups then released the Humans still had the bomb.

The humans grinned and the ponies got ready as the two groups charged at each other and called battle cries. With the RED’s trying to stop the BLU’s from delivering the bomb.