50 First Hornjobs

by Akumokagetsu

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Trixie, Sex, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2027

Trixie gets into another argument with Twilight. She is then completely unprotected from the wrathful Twilight's seemingly endless barrage of affection, leaving the Great and Powerful Trixie very, very confused.

Trixie deemed to get the upper hoof at least once, and plots to humiliate Twilight Sparkle once and for all.
Unfortunately, Twilight is a little craftier than Trixie gave her credit for, and Twilight's sense of 'comeuppance' isn't quite what Trixie expected either.

Published 2014-03-14 23:20:54 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-14 23:20:54 UTC

Not For A Thousand Bits

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It was an average day for Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight could certainly handle average days now and again; no Ursa Minors running amok, no rampaging hydras, no Poison Joke. No worrisome surprise visits from the princess, no Alicorn Amulets, and certainly no boastful traveling magicians.

As Twilight sipped at her mug of coffee as the morning sunlight pooled in through the kitchen window, she was simply appreciative of a quiet, scheduled, ordinary, average day.

At least, until the heavy banging on her front door shook her from her (for once) peaceful reverie.

Because that’s how every day should start. With heavy banging.

Twilight brushed the thoughts from her mind and sighed heavily, letting her mug clink against the table as she ceased to levitate her coffee.

She almost momentarily wished that she hadn’t sent Spike out on a weekend day like this one. But the sky was blue, the weather was pleasant, and the sun was bright; he had no excuses this time. Twilight swore, if she didn’t get Spike out and about, he’d be perfectly content to just sit around all day.

Wearily, Twilight trudged toward the banging noise, quietly slipping through the library. Carefully prying open the window shades just a crack, Twilight peered through the opening at the noisemaker.

“OPEN THE BUCKING DOOR!” the light blue unicorn shrieked over the already loud noise. “I know you’re in there, Twilight Sparkle!”

“No I’m not,” she replied wryly through the door. “I’m not even here.”

Trixie stood stunned for a moment at the sheer gall, and resumed banging on the door.

“Yes, you are!” the agitated magician screeched. “I can hear you!”

“You’ve reached the magically automated inbox of Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight retorted in a dry droning voice. “Please leave your name and message after the tone.”

“DAMMIT, TWILIGHT!”

She rolled her eyes, and unlocked the door leisurely. The moment Trixie heard the lock tumbling, she kicked the door in, bouncing it angrily off of the wall.

“Good morning,” Twilight deadpanned at the latest damage to her home. “I see you’re back in town, Trixie.”

Trixie Lulamoon, who was currently huffing and puffing like a furious bull, strained to control herself.

“Don’t give me that, Twilight Sparkle!” she jammed a hoof in Twilight’s face, nearly poking her in the eye. “You know full and well that I’ve been trying to get to you all week!”

“Oh, is that so,” Twilight meandered back to her coffee disinterestedly, almost failing to hide her smirk.

“Stop walking away from me!” Trixie stormed after her, not bothering to even close the door. “You are going to stay still, and you are going to bucking listen to me!”

“Is that not what I’m doing now?” she replied blandly as she retook her spot at the kitchen table, and resumed sipping quietly at her coffee. Indeed, Twilight was sitting very still and attentively watching the twitching unicorn as a hawk would. Trixie angrily blew a lock of mane from her face, and pawed at the ground before her.

“I don’t need you to be a smartass,” Trixie seethed. “We are going to settle this dispute!”

“I have absolutely no idea whatever it is you’re talking about,” Twilight stated bluntly, taking another long sip from her coffee mug without dropping her gaze.

“Did you even read any of the threats I sent you?!” she sputtered in fury, gawking at her in a mixture of anger and disbelief.

“I must have misplaced those,” she hummed quietly, and nodded to the chair opposite her. “Take a seat, let’s chat about this.”

“Don’t you –!” Trixie began to reprimand her, but her voice faltered once she began to take it in. Twilight was motioning to the seat opposite her, where a freshly made mug of coffee had been placed. More specifically, a cup of coffee that had clearly been placed there before her arrival… indicating that Twilight had been expecting her. Trixie's throat seemed to tighten a little, and she coughed a little nervously into her hoof before shaking off her unexpected burst of uneasiness.

“I think I will,” Trixie sat grumpily across from the expressionless unicorn, her stare staying dead on her the entire time.

“Excellent,” Twilight nodded, slightly pleased. “Would you like to begin the ‘making – out’ session before or after breakfast?”

Trixie tried her hardest to speak for nearly half a minute, and it was possibly one of the most uncomfortable thirty seconds she had experienced in the past decade. She sputtered and balked, but Twilight only remained nonchalantly sipping her drink, as if she were completely serious. Trixie began to feel a little dizzy, like her head was going fuzzy on the inside. She would have accused Twilight of doing something suspicious to her drink if she had actually picked it up.

“You are here because you’re desperate for my attention, am I correct?” Twilight asked calmly, which seemed to yank Trixie back to reality for a moment.

“That is not –!”

“Because I don’t find your company completely intolerable, to be honest,” she continued thoughtfully, emptying her mug. “I think everypony has just been a little too harsh on you previously, and I wish to rectify that. We should date.”

Trixie’s brain then completely shut down.

She reminded Twilight of a significantly stunned fish, the way her lips were opening and closing slowly and she sat unblinkingly, staring at the spot just left of Twilight’s head.

And it was a little creepy.

And the longer Trixie sat like that, the more creeped out Twilight became.

“… Er…” Twilight started eventually, trying not to show just how put off she was growing from the mare’s look, and wondering if she had died on the spot. She couldn’t even tell if Trixie was still breathing, so it was completely valid that Twilight might have accidentally killed her with the sheer shock. “What do you say about-about seven, tomorrow night?”

Trixie proved to be thankfully not dead, as she simply nodded once.

Either that, or her head had simply fallen forward a little.

“Excellent,” Twilight helped Trixie up and swiftly marched the stunned unicorn out of the library. “Be here tomorrow night at seven, try to look sharp and I’ll do the same. See you then!”

And with that, Trixie was once again locked out of the library.

She stood in shocked silence on the doorstep for what felt like hours, her brain sluggishly struggling to comprehend the events that were unfolding despite monumental odds against their favor.

“… What the actual buck just happened.”

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“You look like a thousand bits,” Spike blurted sarcastically as Trixie stood on the doorstep to the library.

She shot him a vicious glare, and he slowly edged away from the door. Trixie ran a hoof through her mane, resisting the urge to mangle the snide little drake before he could utter another remark about her subpar attempts at politeness.

“Just get the wretched mare.” She hissed through her teeth in a fashion that reminded Spike of a cobra, and he once again assured himself that Twilight had backup for when the Great and Deluded Trixie inevitably bit somepony.

He tottered off, shouting painfully loudly for the librarian as Trixie stood vehemently on the doorstep.

One minute before seven, and the sun was just beginning to sink toward the horizon. It cast a surprisingly cozy warm blanket over Golden Oaks library, and for a bare moment Trixie felt a miniscule twinge of nostalgic longing for her own home. It seemed like centuries ago.

She shook off the feeling, dragging herself back to reality as the sound of clopping hooves descended the stairwell.

“It’s about time!” Trixie shouted into the library. “Making me w-”

Her words were torn from her lips as she watched Twilight, clad in a silky, flowing red gown slowly but gracefully draw nearer. The back of it was held together with a couple of thin straps, daintily showing off her violet colored shoulders and spiraling back around to meet itself and tucked neatly around her wings. Twilight’s normally straight and flat mane was held up in a tight bun, the front of which twirled perkily upward. Even her hooves were decorated with what looked to be gilded slippers, each of which was adorned with tiny patterns of wings.

It was a painfully long beat before Trixie realized that she was staring. She also realized just how excruciatingly bland she looked next to Twilight, even though she had worn her best performance hat.

And she hoped in her heart of hearts that she hadn’t been caught drooling.

“Ready?” Twilight asked a little breathlessly, trotting toward her and closing the door behind herself. “Ooh, this is going to be so much fun!”

“Uh…”

“What?” Twilight blinked, suddenly nervous and meeting Trixie’s blank stare. “Did-did I do one of the straps improperly? Do I look silly? Oh, Celestia, I look ridiculous, don’t I?”

“N-no, no,” Trixie coughed into her hoof, her cheeks growing mysteriously warm. “You-You, uhm… you look like a thousand bits.”

“Really?” she perked up a bit at this, her ears twitching upward at an odd angle. “Hm. Spike said the same thing. Coming?”

It took Trixie a moment to realize that Twilight had begun to walk away from her, and she stumbled rapidly after her.

“Wait!” Trixie caught up quickly, and Twilight shied away slightly when she bolted up next to her. “You can’t just – where are we even going?” she furrowed her brows, resuming her angry expression.

If only so that she could ignore the heat in her face, and hope that it faded soon.

“Well, I know this pleasant little open air café that I thought would be a fantastic place for dinner,” Twilight pulled a small list from inside her dress as they walked, and Trixie found herself staring for the umpteenth time. “I’ve got it all planned out, see? Afterwards, there’s a show at the Tailfeathers Theatre, and then-”

Twilight realized that Trixie seemed to be staring a hole in her head, and stuffed the list away with a flush.

“Actually, let’s just wing it,” she said with an uncharacteristically wild grin. “Tonight’s a good night for trying new things, eh?”

Trixie stopped directly in front of Twilight, unamused expression seemingly plastered onto her face.

“Alright. I give up,” Trixie huffed quietly. “You win. I give up, you win, it’s over, blah de blah blah blah. What are you playing at, Twilight Sparkle?”

She cringed at Trixie’s words, drawing one hoof up slightly from the ground.

“I-I’m sorry,” Twilight shuffled uneasily. “I only wanted to be nice…”

Trixie fought back an odd sense of guilt for reasons that she could not quite ascertain, and held her ground.

“You’re plenty nice,” she blew out a long breath of air, throwing a strand of mane from her face. “Let’s just get this over with.”

“Oh, good!” Twilight threw a hoof over her shoulder, her change in attitude questionably immediate. “Let’s get on with the date, shall we?”

“Please stop calling it that,” Trixie mumbled under her breath as they passed a couple of ponies, turning around a corner and trying to ignore the feeling of them watching her.

“Oh?” Twilight asked wryly. “Is this not a date that we’re on now?”

“Of course not!”

“So, the two of us going out together is…?”

“A trial period,” Trixie hissed. “I don’t know why I ever agreed to this.”

Much to Trixie’s surprise, it was Twilight who stopped her this time.

“We don’t have to actually, er… date,” Twilight said seriously, her voice low as she bowed her head a little. “We could both just go home. We don’t even have to spend any time together at all. We could just both go home, right now, and call it a day.”

“Oh-ho, no!” Trixie grabbed her by the hoof, making her yelp in surprise. “You’re not getting out of this that easily, Twilight Sparkle! Your double-backwards-psychology crap isn’t going to work on me this time!”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Twilight hid her smirk as she was dragged along. “Not a single clue.”

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