Kimi Sparkle skipped through the halls of Canterlot High. Another person gave a thumbs-up to her latest video! It was her most popular video yet!
"I wonder who likes it?" Kimi said. "Maybe it was a handsome boy, like Trent Hoof or Flash Sentry! Wouldn't that be the greatest?"
Now that her video had four likes, she was practically an Internet celebrity. Which made perfect sense, because Kimi Sparkle is very cool and very pretty and very smart and very...um...hygenic.
Sadly, not everyone liked Kimi. Some of the so-called "popular girls" made fun of Kimi all the time. They said she was stupid and lonely and had no friends. It was tragic. Like, more tragic than Hamlet, that play which high school teaches force students to read even though it has, like, no ponies in it whatsoever.
But Kimi had four likes now! On the Internet, where everyone could see it! "Take that, popular girls! Who's cool now?" Kimi asked.
A nearby student turned to look at her. "Are you...talking to yourself?" he asked.
"It depends," Kimi said. "Are you talking to me, handsome?" She waggled her eyebrows in a most seductive manner at the blue-haired student, who was male, and therefore, worthy of Kimi's attention.
"Freak!" he said. He slammed his locker door shut and ran away.
"JERK!" Kimi shouted after him.
She didn't understand it. Seductive eyebrow waggles were supposed to get any boy to fall in love with you! That was what happened in the last fanfiction Kimi read, an epic masterpiece in which Big McIntosh had fallen in love with ~~Owlosiu~~ ~~Owloysci~~ ~~Owlo~~ Tank the Turtle. But Tank didn't know that Big McIntosh was already engaged to marry Princess Luna! It was soooo scandalous!
Kimi smiled as she remembered the twist ending, where Rainbow Dash was the surrogate mother for Princess Fluttershy's triplets. She hoped they made that story into an MLP episode! After they made an episode out of her personal fanfic, Kimi Sparkle Gets All The Hot Boys, of course.
Kimi's was rudely bumped aside, by Sunset Shimmer. Sunset was crying her eyes out and running straight for the bathroom. I would tell you why, but Sunset isn't important. Kimi Sparkle is the only one that matters. That's because Kimi is awesome and cool, and she had four likes on the Internet! So what if Sunset's Twitter had over two million followers? Did she have four likes on the Internet? Noooo.
Sunset Shimmer is so lame.
But Sunset Shimmer isn't the worst of the popular girls. The worst popular girl, no, the worst girl in the entire universe was Rarity.
Kimi Sparkle hated Rarity. She hated Rarity so much. The way Rarity talked, the way she acted, the way Rarity succeeded in life instead of sitting at home and watching children's TV shows all day...Rarity was the worst.
The first (and only) time Kimi had spoken with the purple-haired beauty, Rarity said, "Nice to meet you, Kimi! I like the bow you're wearing! It's pretty."
Can you believe it? What a spoiled, stuck-up jerk!
Sure, Rarity sounded sincere, but it was obviously a back-handed compliment. Such a snooty, fashionista would obviously never be nice to an unpopular, freckled girl like Kimi.
And by the way, they weren't freckles! Kimi's mom said they were angel kisses. So the fact that she had spots all over her face meant that all the guy angels thought she was super hot. It was too bad they only kissed her when she was asleep and completely unaware of their presence, just like Trent Hoof was when Kimi watched him through the living room window.
Well, except the one time he saw her hiding in the bushes and called the police. But that was all a big misunderstanding, and besides, they only kept her in holding for ten hours, so it totally doesn't count.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Rarity. Can you believe that jerk is more popular than Kimi Sparkle? It's ridiculous! So what if Rarity is generous to everyone she meets? Who cares if she has gorgeous hair, porcelain-colored skin and custom-made clothing which fits perfectly on her flawless body? Why should it matter that she got the lead in the school play, three years running? It doesn't make a difference that she single-handedly found the cure for cancer!
Those were all stupid, pointless things! Did she have four likes on the Internet? Let me think. Uh, NO! That would be Kimi Sparkle, the sexiest, coolest and most totally awesome reviewer girl ever! If I was a student at her school, instead of a disembodied male narrator, I would ask her out on a date. And she would turn me down, because ~~she has never been on a date ever~~ there are so many hot guys who want to be her boyfriend that she doesn't have time to see them all.
But I'd be okay with that. Just talking to the goddess that is Kimi Sparkle would be enough for me. Maybe she'd even be nice enough to set me up with her weird cousin, Twi-whatever. That'd be cool. Not as cool as Kimi Sparkle, but Kimi is basically the definition of cool, and—
Whoops! I'm supposed to be telling the story about Kimi and Rarity right now. Sorry about that! I keep getting distracted by Kimi's awesomeness. I hope someday she realizes that I am the fourth person who liked her video. Sure, it took me an hour to set up a second Youtube account just so I could like her video twice, but it was totally worth it.
"Why is she so popular?" Kimi asked. "I should be one of the cool girls, not her! Rarity is so mean and nasty! I wish she would move away forever!"
"Did you say something, Darling?" a voice asked.
Kimi gasped. Standing at the other end of the hall, with a slightly confused look on her face, was Rarity.
Rarity stepped forward and spoke in a friendly voice. "Hello, it's nice to see you again...Kimberly, was it?"
Jeez, what an evil witch Rarity is. Getting Kimi's name wrong on purpose? You know who she is, you big faker! She's the girl who's famous on the Internet! Don't pretend you aren't jealous of her radiant aura of sexy awesomeness!
"I'm Kimi Sparkle, the Internet's only pegasister of yore," Kimi corrected.
"What is an internet?" Rarity asked.
Ha! Miss Perfect doesn't know what an Internet is? What a...STUPID...OW! Kimi thought, before grabbing her forehead in pain. Kimi suffered from strange headaches, which felt like something trying to drill its way through her skull.
The next thing Kimi knew, she was lying on the floor, with Rarity standing over her. "Oh, my goodness! Are you all right, Kimi?" Rarity asked. She knelt down and cradled Kimi in her arms.
"Ugh...my head..." Kimi groaned.
"You need to see a doctor," Rarity decided. She tried picking Kimi off of the ground, but the smaller girl struggled lightly, flapping her pegasus wings in protest. Yeah, I know Kimi is a student at Canterlot High, but she has pegasus wings in this story because I like it and she's cool.
"Let go!" Kimi said. "I hate you!"
"You...you WHAT?" Rarity asked.
"I hate you, and your stupid face, with those fake eyelashes and perfect hair and gorgeous body, and...and..."
Kimi would later blame it on the headache, but she couldn't help herself. With her head in Rarity's arms, and her face so close to Rarity's, she...she...she leaned forward and kissed Rarity passionately.
"I want to be you so badly," Kimi said, breathing heavily. "You have the perfect life, and I want it. But if I can't be you, the next best thing is to make you my girlfriend."
"I'm sorry," Rarity said. "But we can never be together."
"Why not, Rarity, my darling?" Kimi asked, confused. Obviously, Rarity wasn't worried about the fact that she is heterosexual. Kimi is so sexy that everyone changes their sexual orientation, just so they can have a chance at being with her. THAT IS HOW SEXY KIMI IS.
"It's the bow you're wearing in your hair," Rarity said. "It's so...so...fashionable! You're way too pretty to be with an ugly faker like me! I'm just the worst!"
"Yes," Kimi said. "Yes, you are."
And Rarity ran away crying, because she couldn't be with the very sexy and very cool Kimi Sparkle. Rarity moved away forever, and nobody missed her ever.
THE END
PS. Oh, and Kimi got two more likes on her video! Hooray! Kimi is so cool.
