Chapters Bureaucratic Cosmology
'Bullet by Hollywood Undead' or 'Bureaucratic Cosmology'
"Felix Grayson, yes?" A skeleton said to me in a voice like frost in the veins.
"... Yes," I responded, nonplussed.
The abomination check-marked a form. "Age?"
"Twenty three."
Another check mark. "Gender?"
"Male, last time I checked."
"Mr. Grayson, your sarcasm is not appreciated." Check.
You know how people say that when you die there's a dark tunnel, a bright light, and a choir of angels surrounds you as you float up to the pearly gates where maybe Saint Peter lets you in or maybe he drops the clouds out from under you? That is not what happens. In 'reality' you end up alone in a waiting room, panicking. Then a skeleton in a gaudy black cloak escorts you into his entirely too standard, and slightly too small office to begin processing your 'Application for After-Life.'
"Your cause of death is listed as 'shot while resisting a mugging.' Is that correct."
It wasn't my smartest move. "Yes."
Check. "Religion?"
"Christia-"
"Mr. Grayson," the skeleton coolly interrupted me, "I believe your people have an expression, 'dead men tell no tales.' In my office that expression means dead men do not lie to me. Is that understood?"
"Yes."
No check this time.
"Religion?"
"Uh.. Agnostic?"
The skeleton looked at me for a moment with his eyeless sockets, "I'll mark you as undecided." Check.
"Okay..."
"Now then Mr. Grayson, in order to continue to your after-life experience you're going to have to apply to a religion. Many options will now be closed to you, such as your Christian heaven, however there are other places you can go. Hell, for example, is always willing to take new applicants."
My panic was starting to come back. I would absolutely NOT spend the rest of my eternity in Hell of all places. Whether I went to church or not!
The cloaked bureaucrat grabbed a file out of his desk and scribbled symbols meaningless, to me, on it.
By the time it looked up at me I was nearly hyperventilating.
"Now then, this form will take you to The Department of After-Life Selection. All you need to do is prick your right thumb and place it in this box."
"Uh.. Okay." Quelling my shaking hands, I took the form and needle it offered me. After some hesitation I did as the thing said.
*Prick*
The tiny dab of blood formed itself into a finger print and then began swirling. My last thought before being sucked into that tiny, swirling thing was 'If I'm dead, how am I bleeding?'
The next thing I thought about was pain. It felt like being squeezed through a quarter sized tube, except the tube had spinning razors lining the sides.
It was over in less than a second. Recovering from the shock took significantly longer.
After I finished panting like a dog and the ringing in my ears stopped I looked up. What I saw did not ease my nerves. Decorated booths and debilitating crowds spanned out in front of me as far as I could see. They were over flowing with odd assortments of things and peoples. I saw one booth covered in skulls, its attendants were dressed in flamboyant, monkish garb of crimson and white. They had odd crimson painted Xes over their eyes. How they accomplished dressing both flamboyant and monkish was a mystery to me but there it was.
"Sithrak! The god who hates you!"
"Let him into your heart! Blame him for everything!"
A quick glance upward revealed the words 'Doomsayers of the Blind Gibberer' painted in bright happy letters upon a banner. I couldn't resist. I had to know more about these odd 'people.'
Stepping forward, two of the missionaries moved up to me, trying not to wave in my face a flaming skull with wooden nails in its eye sockets which they had affixed to a staff. They failed. "Are you trying to kill me for the second time? I don't think my relatives could handle a second funeral. Besides, how would they travel here?"
"We're very sorry, sir," the light skinned proselytizer with the beard said to me
"We're here to give you the good news," the darker skinned monk with stubbly sideburns broke in, "God hates you! Personally!"
An eyebrow was raised, "And this is good news?"
'Oh yes'es and 'Most definitely's were exchanged and the monks nodded to each other and to me with an eagerness that made my skin slither.
"How, pray tell?"
"Oh no!"
"Don't pray!"
"If you pray Sithrak might hear it!"
"Then you'll never get what you prayed for!"
Their voices seemed to have mixed together in an odd rhythm. It was disconcerting.
"Does that mean you're not going to tell me why God hating me, personally, is good news?" The smooth transition by which their large smiles moved from supreme comfort to twitched anxiety and back again grated against a deep part of me.
I was disconcerted.
The odd monks looked at each other for a moment. When they gave their attention back to me it was with a calm that doesn't come from a healthy mind.
"Have you noticed that existence is cruel and insensitive"
"Do you have regrets?"
"Were you a bad person?"
"Are you trapped in an endless cycle of misery and boredom?"
"Have no fear!"
"Your miserable life isn't the result of bad choices on your part!"
"Its the result of the curse placed on us all by our angry and insane creator, Sithrak!"
"The Blind Gibberer!"
I looked at them in silence for a moment. Enormous smiles were plastered on their faces. "So you two are telling me that nothing bad in my life in my fault?"
"That's right!"
"And nothing you do can make Sithrak angry!"
"He was angry already," sideburns winked at me.
These crazy cultists were sounding better and better by the minute. No responsibility? No consequence? No guilt? Sign me up! "Well guys, you've just about sold me. I just need to know what kind of after-life package The Doomsayers offer."
They glanced at each other, faces filled with twitched anxiety again, "Well you see..."
"In the Book of Dismay..."
"Sithrak promises..."
"... Unconditional torment."
The Doomsayers looked at me with nervous smiles. I looked at them with a blank face. "... You know what I think I hear someone offering reincarnation. I think I'm going to talk to him..."
As I walked away I hear them whispering loudly to each other, "We were much better at this before those villagers burned us at the stake."
"I know, brother, but fear not, Sithrak will torture them endlessly soon enough."
The other one let out a long sigh, "That's what I fear..."
As I waded through what resembled the biggest job fair imaginable. Booths spanned in front of me as far as the eye could see. The crowd was endless. I seemed to almost be one grand entity, entirely separate from myself.
That entity was loaded with people of every shape, size, color, dress and age.
It was diversity's wet dream.
I couldn't shake the words of The Doomsayers while I wondered aimlessly though the mass of people. What they'd said make so much sense. Existence was absurd and cruel. Who would create such a thing other than an angry and insane god?
I do not know how long I wondered but I heard many things spoken by many people. None of them offered the salvation I sought after.
"Come unto me, if thou are without sin!" That ones a bust.
"Reincarnations over here!"
"If your death was a warriors death come and feast in Valhalla!" I wonder if resisting a mugging counts...
"Hell ain't a bad place to be!"
"Accept Allah and be rewarded in heaven!"
"I can't believe you're hitting on me here of all places!"
I spend a very, very long time among the crowd, listening to sales pitches, having pamphlets shoved in my face. and generally having a bad time. Until a man in a pinstripe suit came up to my side, "Havin' a hard time decidin'?"
I glanced at him without looking directly at the man, "You could say that."
"Took me a while to figure it out too, I went with an option they didn't present to us."
This got my full attention, not that I wanted him knowing that. I pretended to look at some hokey booth of another cult I'd never heard of, "What would such an option look like?"
"Earth ain't the only world they got out there. You play it right you can live a little in one place, an' hop around to the next."
"What would this cost me?
"Someday I may need a favor. If I ever ask, you can't refuse."
The idea that these booths were one last joke given by a cruel god had haunted me incessantly. Would any of these booths take me anywhere that wasn't endless torment? There was no promise. No way to know. Only the great risk of the great unknown. Reincarnation was the only option that gave a sliver of hope. In the end though, I'd end up in this giant fair again and who knows if I'd make the right choice after the next lifetime.
It didn't take as much thought as one might think to make my reckless decision. I know its shady but if the option was a new life and a favor to some dead man's mafia or joining some random religion with only the promise of doubt. I choose life. "Deal."
The man turned to face me fully for the first time, he held out his hand. I turned and shook it. He palmed me something I was lucky not to drop. "You get in trouble with the authorities just demand a lawyer, we'll send someone." The man walked away before I could say anything.
One last glance at the hokey cult's booth and I walked away. It took a while but I found seclusion in a crowd gathered around a Christian speaker. He was spouting something about it not being to late for those of us with good deeds at our sides. Unfortunately I didn't have many of those.
I unwrapped the chunk of folded paper I'd received. It was another transfer form and a small needle. I took a deep breath before pressing a bleeding thumb into the box. That moment of total pain wasn't any better. I came out choking on the air I desperately grasped for.
Why do dead men breath?
When I was finally able to see my surroundings I noticed a mass of eyes on me. Very large eyes. In the heads of very small creatures. Little pony like creatures. Painted in every color. They were standing in a line, bored.
After regaining my composure I walked over and nonchalantly placed myself at the end of the line. I was the only being that could be seen as 'calm.' I was not calm. I was freaking out. I was standing in a line with ponies . The kind from My Little Pony. I couldn't keep the smile off my face. My line-mates shrank away from me, some even had the nerve to shiver at my presence. I pulled my lips together and tried to be less creepy to the mostly herbivores around me.
I spent hours in that god forsaken line, my excitement at seeing real live ponies faded after a few failed attempts at conversation. On the plus side I had plenty of space. I had nothing to do in that space but it was space none the less. Finally I was spat out for a cherry haired, dandelion furred mare to droll out, "Next!" in a voice not suiting her cheerful coloring. Neither her disposition nor her expression fit her coloring either. Droll, dull, and near lifeless was this odd being in front of me. She was an after-life long bureaucrat, she hated her job, and she was very close to cashing in her pension.
She stared at me with eyes that mixed hostility and ennui, "I have this form," against reason a hoof grasped the bled-on form I gave her.
After looking at my form for a moment she said, "A human in Equestria? What a ridiculous notion."
"I just go where they send me."
The bright and dull creature mumbled something inaudible. I wasn't sure if even she understood what she said.
"Your transfer form," she passed me a new paper to immolate myself for.
"Thank y--"
"Next!"
I glared at her for a full second before sending myself through the soul grinding portal.
Pain, retching, and pulling myself together were quickly becoming standard operative procedure for me.
When I finally did get a hold of my self I took my purposeful breath.
I breathed!
Real air! On a real world! With real, living lungs! I made it! I was alive!
But gods did it have to be so hot?!
I looked around me and saw baked dirt sprawled as far as I could see interrupted only casually it seemed by rocky crags and hardy plant life. There was nothing here. Nothing at all. I was surrounded on all sides by hot, overbearing death.
"Fuck."
Author's Note
Quick note, credit for Sithrak, The Doomsayers of the Blind Gibberer and much of their dialog goes to the comedic genius over at oglaf.com. Fair warning, its an 'adult' comedy comic that jumps around to different characters randomly in a medieval fantasy world. For those of you who don't want to see random, attractive, naked cartoons there are plenty of safe pages, the site's archive lists each page's content for your convenience.http://media.oglaf.com/comic/sithrak.jpg http://media.oglaf.com/comic/geewoks_1.jpg http://media.oglaf.com/comic/outreach1_1.jpg http://media.oglaf.com/comic/outreach2_1.jpg http://media.oglaf.com/comic/outreach-bigquestions.jpg
'A Horse With No Name by America' or 'Desert Devils'
All in all I was lucky. It didn't feel like it but its the truth. As it turns out I wasn't entirely alone in the desert. Civilization was there, I just had to get to it.
A ragged breath flowed out of my cracked throat as I looked up to see the smoke rising in the distance. Smoke means people. People means civilization. Civilization means life. "I'm not going to just die again," I said to myself, "I just have to get there."
So I walked and walked and walked. I walked for days. I walked during the evening and dawn to avoid the sun's great heat and the moon's chill.
I gazed longingly at the smoke. It wasn't as close as it should be. It was certainly closer, of that I had no doubt, but by now I should already be upon it. It was only when I finally collapsed onto the rough ground that I had the terrifying realization that I may have been following a mirage.
I tried to scream but it came out as all but a long, rasping gasp.
A weed tumbled passed me with the motion I needed so desperately.
It was mocking me.
I don't know how long I laid on the hard dirt. It could have been minutes, hours, or days. I would float in and out of consciousness but there was nothing I could do with that gift. I struggled to stand, to move, to do anything. I couldn't even crawl. The only ability I had was to glance at the smoke. The promise of life so far away. For all I could do it may as well have been 10 feet away.
I reached my hand out to the smoke, trying to grasp what I could not have. I'm sure I would have cried if I had the water for it.
"Mr. Grayson."
No.
"It appears I've caught you at a bad time. Shall I come back?" It was that same frosted voice. I creaked my head slowly and saw that same bleach boned skeleton in its stupid cloak. "Perhaps I'll go to lunch and by the time I get back you'll be waiting in my office."
"Like hell I will," or I would have if I could speak. It came out as all but a croak.
"You've caused quite a stir Mr. Grayson." It stared at me for a moment with its disgusting sockets. "Why is it always the humans who cause the most trouble, hm?"
Its only answer was another croak. What I tried to say was, "I'm going to carve up your bones and use them as chop sticks."
"This isn't going to end well for you Mr. Grayson."
"I'm going to turn your head into a cup," I failed to say.
"I need you to come with me," the skull smiled at me through its immovable expression.
No. This was not happening. Not when I had already escaped his grasp.
The skeleton took a step towards me. "Lawyer," I tried to say, but the word wouldn't leave my lips.
Step.
"Lawyer," the word still wouldn't materialize.
Step.
"Lawyer!" I was only able to create a harsh rasp.
That horrid thing was standing right above me
I summoned up all the will I had left and expelled it from my throat, all that came out was a barely existent whisper, "Lawyer."
The skeleton looked down at me with what I'm sure would have been a vicious scowl if it had the ability to make one. Its attempt was interrupted by a pop and fizzle followed by the smell of sulfur. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is going on here? Are you harassing my client?" The voice came from above me, I strained to get a look at who was speaking but I couldn't turn my head enough to see the being apparently hovering directly above me. "Is this what you do with your life? Harass innocent mortals?" The voice sounded as greasy as an oil spill, it hinted at taint, vulgarity and a lust for conflict.
The strain of trying to see my new apparent defender was to much for me, I settled on looked at the skull standing over me. It was radiating malice at the creature above me, "This is just what I need. First a human, now one of you ."
"Yeah, yeah reaper, just back up," said the slimy voice, "I've got to take care of my client because you are apparently to cruel to give a poor soul some help," the voice was filled with obviously fake outrage, "and to impatient to let him pass in peace. Very fitting for one of your station." The malice coming off the reaper gained new resolve as the thing bristled.
Fortunately it still stepped back.
I heard the shuffling of wings and a small, red creature filled my vision. Its leathery red face smiled at me with a sharp row of fangs. Its head was topped with curled back horns. It wore a pin striped suit and wore it well. It stood over me, a slight hunch in the shoulders, picking debris out of its claws. Although its body was pointed towards me it didn't acknowledge me, instead its entire focus was directed oh so casually on the hygiene of its claws. By far though, the imp's most striking feature was its goatish eyes. Large, abyss black rectangles surrounded by glittering gold. There was no sclera, no white at all in those eyes at all, only a field of glittering gold threatening to consume the greedy.
After flicking away whatever unpleasant thing must have been under such an unpleasant creature's claws it turned its eyes on me. Those sideways rectangles expanded slightly and immediately contracted when it snapped its fingers. A pop and fizzle followed by the wretched stench of sulfur interrupted my stare. "Here kid, drink this," it held a bottle with a curved snaking lid out to me in its clawed hand. I hesitated. "Look it ain't gonna be pleasant but it'll get ya back to health." Well trusting in the kindness of shady strangers had gotten me this far, besides how would I pay my 'lawyer' if I died before he could do anything legal?
I reached out to take his bottle, or tried, I ended up simply scraping my hand across a small piece of dirt. The imp rolled his glittering orbs when he noticed how little I could do. "Just open up," the creature said as it pried my mouth open before I had the chance to try. He shoved the opening into my mouth and upturned the glass, letting gravity do the work. I gagged and chocked on the horrid fluid but none of that mattered to the liquid. Seemly with a mind of its own it shoved its way passed my gag reflex and snaked down into my stomach. The taste was indescribably awful.
When the sloshing monster settled in my stomach I felt a chill radiating from my center. That relieving cool rejuvenated me as it expelled the ravages of the sun's angry heat. Finally I was regaining control of my body. I slowly scrapped myself off the hard ground to sit cross legged in front of the imp.
"Well it looked like that worked," the imp smirked at me. He flashed his row of sharp teeth at the reaper, "You see how easy it is to help the downtrodden?" The reaper just glared through its sockets, "After all if a demon straight out of the cruelest Hells can do it who cant?"
I coughed as I struggled to find my words, "You're from Hell?"
The imp rolled his eyes at me, "Where else are you gonna find a good lawyer?"
"I, uh..."
"The names Zenfrangatazelia, but you can call me Zen."
"I'm, uh," my words were failing me as I looked at the ludicrous creature who, for whatever reason, continued to exist, "I'm Felix... Felix Grayson."
"Good to meet you, Feely. Looks like we're going to be working together for the foreseeable future," the imp stuck his clawed hand out to me.
"Right..." I said with a voice of doubt, nonetheless I still shook his hand.
"Are you quite done?" the skeleton said to us in its chilly voice.
"Oh hold your horses," the imp chuckled to himself, "we've just got to take care of a little business and then we'll be right with you."
The reaper didn't respond.
"Business?" I asked as I climbed up onto my feet.
"Yes, business," the imp exaggerated at rolling his golden eyes at me. "As your lawyer I can protect you from any cosmic legal troubles like skull and bones over there. Unfortunately for you Hell don't come cheap and we're the only firm willing to take on your case."
This creature was going to demand my soul. I could end up in Hell anyway. I looked ever to the reaper... maybe its better than what that thing has it store for me. "Is.. Is it going to cost me my s-soul."
"Ha! You're funny! What would we need your soul for?" Zen gave himself plenty of time to laugh. "You mortal always seem to think the universe revolves around you."
Trying my best to ignore his comments I growled a question at him, "Then what do you want?"
The imp smiled with unholy fangs, "Well kid, your in Equestria, you know where that is, right? All we want is one Equestrian soul a day."
"A day! You've got to be kidding me!"
"Thems the brakes. And don't try to haggle. We could ask you for a hundred souls a day if we thought you could get us that many."
A soul each day... One poor pony would suffer for eternity for my selfishness and greed. Of course, I didn't look at it like that at the time. In fact all I looked at was the skull in robes glaring at us. I would later be disturbed at how quickly I made my decision. "I'll do it." I felt a cold pit develop in my stomach.
Zen smiled, "Excellent choice my friend," he snapped his fingers and a scroll appeared out of hovering flames. After giving it a quick glance over he handed the thing to me as well as a pen, "I just need you to sign this, all it says is that we agree to provide you with our highest quality legal protection while on this plane, for any actions taken on this plane, for any possible consequences of being on this plane, and for any of your actions resulting in your entrance to this plane in exchange for one soul of the planet Equus per day while on this plane."
I took my sweet time reading through the contract, say what you will about demons but they could offer a good product and a solid deal when they wanted to. It wasn't until Zen was thoroughly bored that I finally lifted up the pen and sealed my fate in black ink.
The imp took a long drag of the cigar he had been smoking in his boredom. "A pleasure doing business with you." He snapped his fingers and the newly signed contract in my hand burst into flames. I flinched back before I realized I felt no pain. Apparently hellfire was pretty mild.
Not a second later I heard multiple pops followed by fizzles and nearly a dozen imps in suits materialized hovering around the enraged reaper. They were all shouting legal jargon at the top of their lungs. If looks could kill I'd be far passed my second death by now. "You will pay for this human. None escape our grasp." As suddenly as that the skeleton had come it was gone as if it had never been here. The only sign that it had ever existed were the imps rapidly disappearing in clouds of sulfuric smoke.
"Well that was the most fun I've had all week."
"You're an ass, you know that Zen?"
"Sorry kid, comes with the territory. I am a lawyer after all."
I resisted the urge to facepalm, ending up releasing a tired sigh.
"Alright Lix-"
"Don't call me that."
"-I've got some gifts for you"
I looked at the imp with a raised eyebrow. He hovered on his small bat wings, uncomfortable close to my face. He held out his clawed hand. Slowly, I reached out to grab the small object he was holding.
It was a cracker.
"... Uh... Thanks?"
Zen rolled his eyes. It was quickly becoming an annoying habit. "Flip the damned thing over."
I did as he told me and saw lettering printed into the cracker.
You're the Lucky Winner!
"Non-addictive to humans?" I was skeptical and confused. "Is that supposed to be reassuring?"
My comment was followed by gratuitous eye rolling, "You know that myth about Persephone? Well ever since that myth human wont eat anything we give them unless we print that on the food."
"Yeah those silly humans. Always distrusting demons."
"Just eat the cracker and get your stupid potions."
"Why would a life time supply of anything be delivered in cracker form?"
"Eat the stupid cracker, I got more shit to give you!"
I glared at the imp for a solid three seconds before eating the hell cracker.
It tasted salty and bland, like a regular cracker.
"So how exactly is my life time supply of rejuvenation potions going to be delivered to me through cracker form?"
Zen muttered something about sass and humans, "All you need to do is say 'rejuvenation potion' and snap your fingers."
I did as he said. There was a fwooh as a flash of orange flames appeared above my hand. A glass bottle was revealed as the flames receded. After a moment of hovering gravity caught it. It bounced off my still in post snap position hand and shattered on the desert floor.
I heard a loud groan. Zen had both of his palms pressing against his eyes. "You've got to catch the damn things!"
"... I realize that."
"Bloody idiot humans."
"Fucking red midgets."
The imp flew close to my face, "What did you say to me?!" he yelled.
I glowered at him evenly, "You heard me."
Zen backed off but maintained a glare, "I've got your next gift." After retrieving another wafer with a fiery snap he held it out to me.
I ignored his glare and read the new snack.
Soul contract, version- contractor zeta8651, delivery system
I read it again. "This doesn't say non-addictive to humans."
"So?"
"So I'm not eating it."
"Bloody humans," the imp muttered before getting me a new wafer.
Soul contract, version- contractor zeta8651, delivery system
Satisfied with the new 'gift' I ate it, "So whats this one do?"
"Just snap your fingers this time, no words necessary."
*Snap*
The fwoosh quickly dissipated to reveal a scroll much like the one I just signed. I unraveled it to read more legal mumbo jumbo.
"This is the contract you'll be using to get your souls." That pit in my stomach reasserted itself in my attention. "Just have them write what their trading their soul for here," Zen pointed to a box at the bottom of the page, "Then they just sign here," the imp pointed to a line, "And voila! You got yourself a soul."
"Really? Just like that? No sacrificial goats? No virgin blood?"
Zen rolled his glittering eyes at me, "After you send it off to Hell it'll go through processing. If the wish is too ridiculous we'll send an imp to renegotiate, if the terms are acceptable to us we'll send an imp to extract the soul in their sleep. Totally harmless."
"So I'm like a genie then?"
"Yeah kid, you keep thinking of it like that. Anyway then that imp will deposit the soul in your account at the Goldman Sachs branch in Hell-"
"Wait, wait, Goldman Sachs operates in Hell?"
"Ya kid, duh, why do you think they got that bail out."
"I... uh..."
"In fact where do you think central banks like the Federal Reserve came from?"
"Uh..."
"The damn thing keeps its share holders information private. Who do you think owns it?"
"... The worst part of this is how much sense your making."
"Yup, it ain't from Jekyll Island that's for sure."
"Right... Can I actually get a different bank?"
"Haha, smart kid. Yeah I'll set you up at Mammon Investments, very respected institution."
"I have a bank account in Hell," I muttered to myself.
"Now just roll up that scroll and snap your fingers to send it off to processing."
"Don't I have to get it signed first?"
More eye rolling, "Don't ya trust me yet?"
I looked blankly at the demon hovering in front of me, "No. No I really don't."
"Just send the damned thing!"
"Fine."
*Snap*
*Fwoosh*
"Good. Now some free advice, don't send off to many blank contracts-"
"But you just-"
"Because Delarector the Devourer of Innocents runs The Department of Independent Contractors and he gets really angry when too many blank scrolls get sent his way." I glared at the imp, "And when he gets angry he gets hungry."
"You see Zen, this is why I don't trust you."
"Yeah, yeah. Anyway I'm a busy imp and I've already spend enough time on you. There's a little frontier town over there, Appaloosa I think. That's your best bet on your first batch of souls. Good luck!"
"Yeah... Thanks..."
*Pop*
*Fizzle*
I looked at the rising smoke in the distance and felt cold under the desert sun.
Author's Note
I'd like to take a moment to apologize to lawyers in general. The lawyer hate just gets easy when you get into this sort of territory... expect more to come.
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The Bizarre Case of The Naked Appaloosain Sasquatch
'Selfish Man by Flogging Molly' or 'The Bizarre Case of The Naked Appaloosain Sasquatch'
As I crested the last hill and gazed down upon the frontier town filled with colorful ponies I was struck with a great truth. It was possibly the greatest truth that mankind had discovered during its existence.
Walking sucks ass.
If it was up to me I would spend the rest of my life like one of those bloated freaks from Wall-E.
Thoughts of a utopia filled with loving robotic overlords filled my mind as I stumbled down the rocky slope. After more walking to top off my day already filled to the brim with walking and drinking a few more non-addictive rejuvenation potions I found myself entering an apple orchard. I knew this orchard from the show as well as this town. I shoved those thoughts out of my head as I felt the beginnings of that cold pit returning to my stomach.
It wasn't long before I came upon the sight of a pony. The first living pony I had seen in real life. Or after life to be more accurate. I could only hope the living ponies didn't inch away from me and shiver if I got too close. This new sight wore a single braid of green hair, a yellow coat and a pair of dice showing snake eyes. The mare leaned forward on her forelegs before delivering a powerful kick directly into the truck of a tree I assumed wasn't Bloomberg. All the apples fell artfully into a single barrel ready to catch them. Until she looked at me, at which point her eyes widened and a single apple fell directly onto her head knocking her off balance. I successfully held back my laughter as she fell over in a heap.
I gave myself a moment to compose myself before hurrying over. As I got to her the yellow mare's eyes refocused. When she saw me looming over her I saw widening eyes and shrinking pupils. "Need some help up?" I offered, hoping to avoid any chaos or angry mobs.
She had to take a few breaths before answering with a slight country twang, "Uh.. you ain't gonna eat me are ya?"
I blinked.
"I'd rather eat an apple," I held out my hand.
After hesitating for a moment she took the offer and I pulled her up onto her hooves, "Thanks stranger. The names Lucky Roll."
The phrase, "That roll didn't seem very lucky to me," spilled out of my mouth before I could stop it.
"Says the mangy sasquatch," she glared up at me, apparently forgetting her earlier fear.
"Mangy sasquatch?! Where do you get off?!" Temper control has never been a strength of mine, thus my untimely death.
"Ah, err, Ah mean.. uh... Here'sthatappleyouwanted!" Lucky shined me a nervous smile as she held an apple up to me and tried to look like she wasn't about to bolt.
I guess she remembered that fear pretty quickly. Shit.
"Uh... thanks. Sorry for yelling," I tried not to freak her out as I grabbed my apple from her. "This is pretty good," I said between chunks.
Her nervous smile shrank down to something more reasonable, "Sure, no problem... So, uh, Ah don't think Ah caught your name?" It was a statement but with an inflection slightly too high for a regular question.
"Felix Grayson. You can just call me Felix."
"Well its nice to meet ya Felix!" I pretended not to notice the quiet 'I hope' she muttered.
"You to," I responded automatically, "Say does this town have anything to drink? I've got this problem called sobriety."
"Do we ever! I'll take you to the Salt Block! Best place in town." Salt Block. Right. They're horses, of course. If I had any credit with any god I would've prayed that hard apple cider is actually a thing. "My shifts almost over anyway!" I doubted that a lot.
"Great! Lets get going," I flashed her a toothy grin. I took it as a victory that she didn't flinch. Very much.
After I helped her load a couple barrels into a wagon she pulled out a white cowboy hat that looked too large for her head. It turned out it was because the moment she put in on the thing immediately slumped forward and covered her eyes. After a few adjustments she fixed the hat to slump toward the back of her head.
Has no one told this chick she could just pad the lining with some paper?
I decided my best course of action was to pretend I didn't notice her struggles.
Lucky Roll pretended not to notice me pretending not to watch her, which suited me just fine. We moved to the front of the wagon in an awkward silence until she strapped herself onto the front. "Mind helping me with this?" she said, motioning to a the strap next to her.
I raised an eyebrow at her, "I really do."
"Err... right. Lets get goin' then..."
I walked with her towards the town, carefully placing myself on the side of the mare that didn't contain a strap I'd have to crawl on hands and knees to fit into.
Not ten steps into our journey Lucky adjusted her hat again so she could look over at me, "Ah'm real sorry about that mangy comment... Ah've just never seen a sasquatch with so little fur... or such a well spoken sasquatch... or a sasquatch that wasn't prone to violence... Err I mean--" I cut her off before she could ram her hoof even farther down her muzzle.
"I'm not actually a sasquatch," just go with it Felix. Questioning it will just do more damage to your psyche. And it'll probably seem suspicious
"Oh... Then what are ya?" The yellow mare asked, curiosity shoving out the earlier awkward moment and the last of her fears.
"We're called humans," I said simply.
"There's more of ya?" she looked around the orchard without making an effort to hide the hint of anxiety that crept back up through her curiosity.
I rolled my eyes but she didn't notice, "Most humans are a long way away."
"Oh. Phew," she said it with relief that she immediately tried to cover up, "Ah mean, uh, why are ya so far away from the other humans?"
Oh well I died and landed myself here. Now I'm in debt to demons! Like I could tell her that. I need a lie, "Oh, well I travel a lot for my job."
"What do ya do?" the mare said as she struggled to fix her big white hat again without stopping.
Shit. Great job, Felix. Give her a lie that leads to more questions. After a moment's thought I said the first thing that came to my mind, "I'm an independent contractor."
"Ah don't know what that is," Lucky said looking at me blankly
As we came up to a barn I faked a knowing smile towards the open air, making sure that my companion could only see the edges of it, "I'll show you in town." I ignored the twisting sensation happening in my stomach and hoped I could get that drink quick.
"Well then lets get to town," the mare smiled as she moved the wagon to sit in front of the barn. I noticed a couple of other wagons stashed in orderly stalls at the sides of the barn. They were empty of any barrels.
"Shouldn't we put these apples away?"
"Nah, it'll be fine! Lets get us a salt block!"
A white hat was adjusted before its owner trotted off towards town proper before I could tell her salt would do nothing for me.
As we entered the town we got a mass of big colorful eyes staring at us. There weren't any panicked screaming, pitchforks, torches, or any other signs of a quickly forming angry mobs so I'm counting this as a victory.
Lucky Roll trotted along humming happily at the prospect of getting hammered, completely oblivious to the fact that everyone we passed gave us the majority of their attention. I saw one stallion walk into a beam and a mare fall into a puddle of mud. "I hope that's mud," I muttered to myself.
"There it is!" My companion cheered. Her hat slumped from the sudden motion.
"It sure is," I said look at the sign pronouncing itself 'The Salt Block' as a white hat found its proper place.
"Come on! Ah need somethin' to take the edge off."
"I hear ya, sister," I don't think she heard me as she walked into the noisy saloon.
When I walked in all that noise stopped. Looking into the dark establishment did nothing for my sun blinded eyes. All it did was increase my anxiety.
"Hi barkeep!" Lucky called with wild abandon as she skipped to the counter, "We're gonna need a couple salt blocks." I'll never know if the mare was completely oblivious to the current situation, if she really didn't care, or if she thought that acting like everything was normal would be a smart play. In any case my eyes had adjusted enough to carefully follow her to the counter.
I surreptitiously stopped my approach when I got close enough to hear the whispered conversation happening near the beer taps.
"Ah done told ya, Ah ain't gonna get a sasquatch drunk! The sheriff would have mah head!" The barkeeper whispered animatedly at Lucky Roll.
"And Ah already told you he ain't a sasquatch! He's whats called a human. And he's really nice! He even helped me finish up my shift! That's why Ah'm here so early." A certain liar whispered back just as animatedly.
"Celestia dammit, Lucky Roll! If it weren't for the fact that Ah owe your Daddy so much for givin' up everythin' to defend this here town Ah'd--!"
"Excuse me, sir?" I interjected before Lucky's expression of moist eyes and a gasping mouth could devolve, "If you want me to leave I can. Its just that I've been lost in the desert for a few days," I pointed a thumb behind me and over my shoulder at the saloon door, "I just wanted to relax for a bit after my trek here. But its your saloon so its your rules." I let that hang in there air for a moment. "I just hate to think of what the welcome wagon will think of turning a guest away from a cool drink after he's been wandering around in the hot sands." I said it thinking of a certain stallion who, some would say, is a bit too proud of his town.
"Ah, uh," the barkeeper stumbled for a moment before glancing at the saloon door. Apparently we were both thinking about Braeburn. "Well shoot! Ah ain't never heard o' a sasquatch that could talk like that. Ya can stay so long as ya behave, just like all mah customers, an' so long as Lucky Roll will take responsibility o' ya if ya don't."
The mare in question mouthed me a quick 'thank you.'
I smiled back at her before turning to the stallion behind the counter, "Perfect! Lucky here already agreed to cover my tab in exchange for helping her finish up her shift. So I'll take a hard apple cider and any hot meal you've got available."
The mare mouthed me a quick 'buck you.'
Bar Keep, as I suspect his name actually is, was quick to pour the cool liquid into a mug. Lucky and I decided to ignore the mumbled comment about how 'lil Ms. Roll' can't even pay off her own 'damn tab,' 'Celestia dammit!' Thankfully he still hoofed us a cider and a salt cube. "I'll have your lunch out in a jiffy. Baked tater okay?"
"With cheese and sour cream if you've got it."
As we slunk over to a corner table and the free show ended so conversation in the saloon picked back up to normal volume.
I took a long draw on my cider. There was alcohol in it. I was almost ready to get on my knees and offer a prayer to a god that I doubted would care even if he could hear me. "Thanks for the cider, Lucky, I really needed this."
She accepted my gratitude but not before grumbling. "So what are ya doing out on the frontier?"
"I suppose I'm looking for the same thing everybody on the frontier is looking for, new opportunities," I said smoothly. It was all technically true after all. "What are you doing here?"
"Opportunity," the mare in front of me said to quickly. She took a long lick of her salt.
"The kind of opportunity that comes from being a sub-par farm hand?" I asked before I could stop myself.
My companion leveled me a harsh glare, "Oh and you're jobs so great that you wont even talk about it!" I almost didn't notice it but when she spoke that angry sentence she lost her accent.
"It is great, actually... I, um.. Well you see I buy souls from ponies and sell them to some of my partners back home." I don't know why I said that. Dammit, I should have thought of something better. She's going to hear 'buy souls' and run around town screaming 'Demon!' or whatever the equivalent here is.
"Err. Weird. Whats a soul? And how are ya goin' 'round buyin' a bunch if your poorer than me?"
They don't know what a soul is! This is perfect! I could-- "Hey I'm not poorer than you!"
"Than why am Ah payin' for your meal?"
"Because..." You got yourself caught in a lie and I'm taking advantage of you. "You're a generous pony." I said with a hopeful smile.
Lucky glared at me in response.
"And I'm very grateful," my hopeful smile grew to the point of cracking.
I let it crack and let my face fall flat, "Okay, okay I don't have a cent to my name."
"Ha. Called it."
I didn't want to give her too much satisfaction, "Hey I think that's our waitress." While she was glanced over I chugged the last of my cider.
"Here you are, uh, sir. Baked potato with plenty of cheese. Sorry we don't have any cream that's gone bad, we tend to throw that out."
"Err.. Thanks. Forget about the cream. I could go for a refill though." The mare scurried off to the kitchen.
Lucky glared at me, "Your just going to drink away all my money aren't you?"
"Well I hope you'll have enough to tip the poor girl." Her glare deepened. "Hey how much is a days wage for manual labor here?"
"Its about 60 bits depending on the job. Why?"
"Just needed to know how much to charge for my services," I said with a wink. Not that I need a wink to punctuate that sentence. I just felt that the more blase I acted about taking ponies souls the smaller the twisting pit in my stomach would become.
All I got from my companion was a confused stare. At least it wasn't a glare anymore.
"Well hoooowwwwdyyyyy Bar Keep! Ah heard we've got an interestin' new guest here in our good town. Mind pointin' me in the right direction?
The stallion at the counter didn't even bother to look up from whatever he was doing. He just pointed in our direction with a vague gesture.
Braeburn turned to our way. When we locked eyes his widened. I let out an easy smile that didn't expose much of my canines. The pony trotted over to me, "Hey there, ain't never seen one like yourself. What's your name friend?" He spoke with only the slight twinge of an accent. Like someone that that had been influenced by his neighbors but didn't feel the need to speak like his fellows to fit in, unlike a certain mare I'd met.
I was a bit shocked. I was expecting him to immediately shout a welcome in the confined acoustics of the bar. When I saw some of the other patrons ready to cringe out of the corner of my eye I figured he'd already done it enough to get the locals pissed. "The names Felix, Felix Grayson." I extended my hand and smiled a little wider, still not showing off enough of the old chompers to show them off in the dim light.
He grabbed my wrist with both his hooves and shook it vigorously to many times. It was at about that time that I'd decided I'd never shake a ponies hoof unless they offered first. "It sure is nice to meet you Mr. Felix, my name is Braeburn of the Apple family. And hello Lucky."
My fake expression faded into something more real. Despite myself I seemed to enjoy his genuine personality. "Hi--" the mare with me began. I didn't let her get far.
"If you wish for something formal its Mr. Grayson, although I'd prefer you simply call me Felix."
"I'll do that Felix. Now are you ready for the grand tour?"
"I am not," the stallion's enthusiasm seemed to degrade a notch or two. Not wanting to spoil a mood that seemed to be keeping the twisting in my stomach at bay I said, "First I'm going to eat, and then I'm going to drink enough to enjoy life, and then I'm going to drink enough to enjoy your tour." His enthusiasm fell another notch and that gap was filled with confusion. I decided to rush him passed this while the conversation had him off balance. "Why don't you join us!"
The stallion brightened up again, "That sounds just dandy!"
"Dandy..." Lucky grumbled.
It didn't take long to get Braeburn drunk on salt. He was a light weight. It only took a little bit longer to get my yellow companion drunk enough to forget my earlier rudeness and get her mood to match her coat. I ran after their drunk train as quickly as I could. I think the only intelligent thought I had after boarding was wondering why Bar Keep kept serving us drinks that Lucky couldn't pay for. I ended up deciding that he probably just liked seeing her smile.
We eventually stumbled out of the Salt Block and poured into the streets like a spilled beer. Braeburn shouted at every pony we met about 'his new hooman friend. I was to drunk to correct him. About the hooman thing. Not the friend thing. I was liking the guy I figured what the hell. I said "Howdy!" to all the ponies he introduced me to, and when I say 'said' I mean 'shouted drunkenly.' My new acquaintances were nonplussed and quick to move on. Lucky maintained her dignity through the whole fiasco by saying little that was coherent. She said a lot and she said it loud and proud. My drunken mind respected her for 'sticking to her principles,' whatever those were.
Braeburn ended up showing us the whole town. Nice place. Nice ponies. They seemed content to let us enjoy our rowdy affair. At least they did until our guide decided to show us the best part of the town. Which was of course the apple orchard. Which was of course near a sheer cliff. Which was of course devoid of any railing or safety measure to speak of. We went that way.
The fuzz caught up to us pretty quickly. Lucky Roll proceeded to resist arrest by running in circles screaming random vowels. Braeburn and I were 'arrested' during our fits of laughter. Lucky got a similar treatment after she tired herself out.
They took us back to what passed for a jail in this town and threw* us in the drunk tank.
*gently but firmly guided us
It was a comfortable affair with decent beds and warm blankets. The law ponies were even kind enough to push two beds together to accommodate me. I passed out as soon as my head touched the pillow.
It was great. I'd never been treated better by the law.
The last thought that went through my head before unconsciousness took me was I love this town.
Author's Note
Ironically the chapter where the characters get drunk is the only chapter of this story that I've written mostly sober... Which is probably why it took so long to write.
The Devil Went Down To Georgia
'The Devil Went Down To Georgia by The Charlie Daniels Band' or 'The Bizarre Case of The Naked Appaloosain Sasquatch Part 2'
"I hate living," Lucky Roll groaned.
"I hear ya, sister," I responed.
Our grumbling about our unfortunately continued existence was interrupted by a loud snore. "Shut up, Burns."
"Yeah shut up, Brae."
We heard a snort and what I assumed was the stallion rolling over. I didn't actually know as I had yet to open my eyes.
"My head is killing me."
I groaned along with her, "Well you're the magically earth pony. Shouldn't you have a magical potion for this sort of thing?"
"There is no such thing. This is Celestia's Righteous Judgement for us sinners."
"The bitch."
"She is."
Braeburn made an angry snort. I think he was still asleep.
Suddenly my eyes flashed open in realization. "OW!" I screeched as the world flashed into my brain. The bright, painful world. "I'm such an idiot."
"You are," Lucky agreed with giggled until she let out her own groans of pain. "Don't make me laugh. It hurts to move."
"Rejuvenation potion," I spoke softly and snapped my fingers. I let the bottle fall into my hand, luckily not needing my eyes as it always fell in the same position.
"Was that a fwoosh?"
I ignored her in favor of glugging the thing down. Nearly glugging the thing down, that is, before I realized how much more of an idiotic thing that'd be to do. I slowly opened my eyes despite the pain. The light burned but I saw on the label that 'Non-addictive to humans' was most certainly not printed on the label. "Bloody demons," I grumbled.
"What are you doing over there?"
"Fixing our problem, give me a second."
"Fine," she said curtly.
"Rejuvenation potion, non-addictive to humans," I said before snapping my fingers. I got a new bottle. After confirming that it wasn't likely to turn me into some sort of slobbering demon thrall I drank the thing down. The effect was immediate, "Aaaahhhh. That is so much better." I looked around the drunk tank. It was far and above the quality of any drunk tanks I'd ever seen in my life, or more accurately, in the movies. It would be cozy if not for the concrete floor and iron bars. I glanced out the barred window. The sun looked to be just coming up. I figured it was too early for the sheriff to come in just to protect some drunk idiots from hurting themselves.
"If its so much better then fix me," Lucky said in an annoyed tone.
"Fine, fine." I thought for a moment before saying, "rejuvenation potion, non-addictive to ponies," and snapping my fingers.You can never really be sure. I checked the label. Sure enough it was okay, it even said 'specially blended for mare's health.' How kind of them. I quickly got the potion to her. "Here, drink this. It'll make the hangover go away."
She drank it hesitantly at first. That hesitation quickly transformed into greed and the potion was soon gone. "Wow," she said simply when she was done. Her bleary eyes had turned to a normal state and her mood had drastically improved. "What is that stuff?"
"Special delivery from my employer," I said with a wink.
"Is that the stuff you sell?"
"Nope. Like I said, I'm in Equestria to buy, not sell."
She snorted, "Well maybe you should start. You'd make a fortune."
"I'll keep that in mind," I yawned, "I should get one for Braeburn too."
Her ears perked up a bit. "How'd you even get that stuff in here?"
"I'll show you," I said smugly. I wasn't entirely sure why I was showing her this. I guess I felt like I could trust her to some extent. She'd been good to me so far. She was down on her luck too, just like me. I should probably take that as a red flag. I calmed the twisting in my stomach and summoned a potion. They even gave it the stallions health label. I turned towards Braeburn so Lucky wouldn't see me rolling my eyes. As well as so I could ignore my companion's wide questioning eyes.
"Hey, Braeburn. Wake up."
A snore turned into a groan.
"Wake up."
He buried his head into his pillow. I threw mine at him.
He shot up like a rocket of speed. "What in tartarus!" A beat passed in silence. "Oh Celestia!" He shouted covering his eyes with his hooves and flopping back onto the bed. That didn't seem smart as he let out a pained wheeze when he hit the bed. "Everything is pain," he said with a hollow voice.
"Here, drink this."
"What is it?"
"Medicine. It'll make the pain go away. Just drink--"
He'd snatched it from my hands before I could finish and chugged it. Lucky flopped onto the bed in laughter and I joined her with a chuckle.
The change in the stallion's entire countenance was as immediate as the mare's and, I assume, my own. "Whoo-eee! What is that stuff?"
I gave a badly implemented enigmatic smile, "Magic mystery cure."
"No seriously," he said to me.
"Old family secret?" I lied good naturedly.
"Fine, keep your secret. But I want to buy some."
I yawned, "Maybe later."
It wasn't long before we fell into friendly mocking. Lucky ended up getting called Chicken Run for running around in a circle like a chicken with its head cut off. The ponies were a little put off by the explanation but the mare's blush moved us passed our mutual culture gap. I ended up getting called Little Sass on account of my height, which nearly doubled the pony's, and the whole sasquatch thing. They told me I'd also demonstrated a sharp tongue. I thought they could have done better, but hey, they were just ponies. Lucky came up with Flamer for the stallion because of his flamboyant enthusiasm and the fact that she'd been calling him burns the whole night. His cheeks were certainly burning when he got called that.
He ended up talking about how he's been bullied pretty badly about being gay when he was as straight as they come. "The worst part is that even strangers would assume I was gay. That's why I love Appleloosa so much. No one ever questions it."
We chatted for a while longer. We kept up the casual insults and eventually got Braeburn acclimated to being called Flamer without getting hung up on it. He still made us promise not to let anyone else know about the name.
It was a great chat and I found myself truly enjoying my time with these ponies.
The pit in my stomach welled up with a vengeance at every lull in conversation. I did everything I could to kept silence from filling up the room but each additional moment of peace filled me with news heights of discomfort.
We all turned as we heard the door open. A light brown stallion with a mustache too large for his face and a sheriff's badge on his vest and as a cutie mark came into the station. "Good morning Sheriff Silverstar." We said together with too much enthusiasm. They'd told me his name earlier. He leveled a glare at us. It didn't seem hostile, more annoyed at our lack of misery.
"Its to early for y'all to be so cheery," he said in a gruff stereotype of an old cowboy's voice. "Why ain't ya pukin' all over the cell?"
I answered before anyone else could give the truth, "Well Sheriff, they say good fun invigorates the soul."
He grumbled as he made his way to firing up the coffee machine. We stayed quiet for a moment until Braeburn piped up, "Maybe my friend here could--"
"Dammit son, just let me get mah coffee before ya start chattin' mah ear off." The pang of anxiety was squelched as soon as it appeared. It didn't seem like these ponies knew anything about demons or hell but I still didn't want the types of characters I consorted with to become public knowledge.
I gave the stallion a wry smile and a shrug, "Just let him enjoy his morning ritual in peace. He probably had a long night dealing with us." I don't think he noticed my blatant attempt at covering up the truth but Lucky certainly did. She gave me a questioning look and I motioned towards the floor of the cell. It took her a moment to notice that all the bottles had vanished without a trace. I gave her a wink, hoping that would be enough to buy her silence on the matter.
The sheriff drank about a half a cup before he walked over to us. "Y'all had quite the wild night."
My cell mates had the decency to look ashamed. I figured myself above such an approach and opted for a different tactic. Brown nosing "Sorry to come into your town and give you so much trouble on my first night here." He just grunted. "Though I must say you handled the situation with professionalism and kindness."
"Thank ya kindly. That's just how we handle things in this here town."
I laughed a bit. "I don't have much experience with the law but I have to say this is the best one I've ever had." At least the best experience I'd had that didn't involve a swarm of imps arguing my side.
The sheriff was silent for a moment. He looked at me suspiciously for a moment before rolling my comment around in his head a bit more. "Well Ah guess y'all are sober enough to let outta here."
I followed the ponies out of the cell in somewhat of a daze. Enough of a daze that I nearly hit my head on the cell's low hanging exit. "R-really? You're not charging us?" I asked as soon as I could get the words out.
"Nope."
I hadn't had many dealings with the police but I'd had enough that I assumed the worst motives.
Being completely out of my realm of experience I did a stupid thing and asked, "Seriously? You're not charging us with anything? No drunk and disorderly conduct? Disturbing the peace? Public intoxication?"
Lucky did the right thing when she kicked me sharply in the leg, "Do you want to get charged with something?" She practically hissed at me.
"Er, sorry... Frankly, I'm confused."
"Look son," the Sheriff said looking into my eyes, "this here is a frontier town. Ah don't need to go wastin' everypony's time with silly regulations handed down to us from on high. Ah'm here to protect ponies. Its a hard livin' on the frontier and we all gotta blow off steam every once in a while."
I smiled serenely. Every thought of guile was chased from my mind and my gut stopped its twisting. I felt a strange up swelling of hope. "I love this town," I said and truly meant it.
I sat upon the hill I'd first crested to get into town in the first place with a HLT-sans-hay-sandwich, toasted and slathered in mayo. I'd been washing it down with a potion. It complemented the sandwich with a taste like extra sweet, extra creamy milk. The town was beautiful, not just to look at but all the way down to its heart. The people who lived their were the kind of people I'd always wanted to be near. The fact that they were weird looking fluffy ponies be damned! They were people in my book. Good people.
Sure they still gawked at me a bit but they'd gotten most of that out of their system during last nights drunken adventure. I liked them. As I'd walked alone down the street after Lucky and Brae had gone to work they said howdy to me like I was just another settler. I said howdy right back. No sarcasm. A real smile. This is what I want. What I'd always wanted. Good people to bring out the good in me. I wanted to stay here. For a few moments I thought I really could become just another settler. A beloved part of a beloved community.
"Hey Feely."
I whipped my head around and what met me were the last eyes I wanted to see. Black rectangles engulfed in gold stared at me. "Zen." My illusion shattered quickly. I had... obligations. There was no way around it. I was in the land of happy ponies but I could never be happy like them, happy with them. My new and broken dream wafted out of my mind like dust blown off a forgotten piece of luggage.
"How ya doin' ol' buddy, ol pal!"
I buried the bitterness in my heart. "I'm doing well. I've got actual food after all." I held up the sandwich and smiled awkwardly.
"Yum," he said with no indication that he meant it. He pulled out a cigar and lit it with flame from his fingers. The imp blew out a drag. "So I noticed you hadn't actually gathered any souls yet."
"Er," anxiety shot into me as a spike through my core. "I figured I would get a feel for the town. Ya know? Enjoy myself as I gather up a bit of trust before I open shop." It was a smooth lie. I doubted it was smooth enough get passed an agent of the Prince of Lies.
"Bah! You just wanted to party!" He said it through laughter.
"Oh fine! You caught me!" It was pretty much the truth. I tried to make my smile as genuine as possible. Zen's casual way of speaking would have eased me into one if it wasn't for the cold pit in my stomach constricting my entire midsection. "I did gain some trust though. I think I may have found a partner in crime."
"Really? Interesting... Oh! That reminds me. The reason I'm here is to explain some of the rules."
That peeved me. "You couldn't have told me this before I walked into the pony village and possibly started buying up souls wholesale?" I asked in a deadpan. Bury your emotions, Felix. Now is not the time.
He brushed some invisible dirt of his shoulder. "Well I figured you wouldn't actually make a sale."
"No confidence in you," despite my fear of what the demon represented and that ever present fit in my stomach I couldn't help but enjoy the demon's company. Zen was awfully genuine for a manipulator. He'd probably call himself a handler. He'd probably be right.
The imp chuckled through his row of fangs. "Eh, well I was right."
"True enough."
"Anyway, about the rules. While you're an agent of Hell you can't lie about the terms of a deal."
I raised an eyebrow. "So when you explained to me the terms of that contract I signed you didn't lie?"
"That's right," Zen said through a cloud of smoke. "That's also why you can trust all our labels. We can't lie on a label."
"Not that I don't trust you implicitly, Zen, but why is that? Is it written into the coding of the universe by God or something?"
The smoking imp's laughter turned to a hacking cough quickly. When we finally caught his breath he said, "Sounds like Jehova and his brat's propaganda has wiggled its way into your head." I was not about to take the demon's implications at face value. "The reason we can't just go around committing fraud like that is because there are plenty of other operations out there gathering up souls and if we make a mistake they'll be all over it like flies on shit."
I scowled, "So what would have happened if I'd got a contract signed by lying about it?"
"What you concerned about ethics now, Lixy?" I rolled my eyes. "I would have been pulled from my busy schedule to deal with your fuck up." I opened my mouth to speak again. "Speaking of which I'm very busy. The rule is simple you can lie all you want but not about the terms of a deal."
I think I could work with that. "What if I have someone else lie for me? Somepony maybe?"
The imps sharp smile grew wide. "I like the way you think Ix. I'll give you a tip, if you pay them then they're on Hell's payroll too, but if there isn't a paper trail then you're not paying them."
"Interesting tidbit."
"My times up, kid." His genial demeanor shifted to something more threatening. "Get those souls rolling in or we won't be able to continue our services for you."
"Wait! Whats that supposed to mean!" There was a pop and a fizzle. All the was left of the imp was the smell of sulfur. "Did you mean you can't or you won't?!" I shouted at nothing.
I stayed on that hill for some hours. I'd lost my appetite. I told myself it was from the smell of sulfur and not the roiling chaos inside me. I was waiting for my body to calm down so I could eat the rest of my sandwich. I'd borrowed bits from Lucky and didn't want to waste them.
The more I stared at that accursed town the more the chaos increased. It had tempted me with something I could never have. The boiling pot of my emotions finally began to solidify into something solid. Something I could understand. Something familiar. It was envy. A desire I was well acquainted with. I pushed the feeling down as deep as I could. It threatened to sweep over me. It was tempting to let it, to let it over take the sadness, the despair, the sense that everything was just wrong . I couldn't let it. It wasn't these ponies fault that I couldn't share the happiness they'd so readily offered me. I nearly went back into the desert. Surely there were other towns, perhaps passed the sands, or beyond the mountain. Two thoughts stopped me. Would I make it elsewhere in time? Would the other towns be just like this place. I just couldn't bear it if all ponies were like this. If it were true then I was a pox on their happy world.
I looked across the sands wondering if the changelings were really out there. If I was to be a pox, could I be a pox upon those who might deserve it? Is there enough time? There was no way I could be certain. I didn't even know if the changelings were in the desert. My debts grew every day. Zen was a reminder that the piper needed to be paid.
I gazed down at the town until the chaos I felt calmed into something manageable. I got off my rock and walked down the trail to lovely frontier settlement. Could I really do this to the ponies I'd just begun to admire. I could. I would. The admission hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. I wasn't going back to that skeletal abomination so long as the forces of Hell were at my side. I just wasn't. I'd already made my choices. There was no point in doubting them now. I had an obligation to fulfill.
I strolled into town, a blank pleasantry plastered where my face would have been to cover my increasing dread. It wasn't long before I began receiving the obligatory 'howdy' from ponies who assumed I was to be a new fixture in their lives. I suppose I was to be, but not in the way they expected. They each received a howdy back with genial pleasantness. The word had grown on me. I felt sick. I told every pony I could that I was going to open up my business today at the bank and encouraged them to stop by. I was disgusted by how easily I did it. When asked about my business I winked and told them I granted wishes. Some took it at face value, some with skepticism, some with a laugh, a surprising amount took it as a marketing pitch.
It wasn't long until I passed the Salt Block. I saw a yellow mare walking towards the saloon. She had a single green braid hanging out of a white cowboy hat that was too big for her head. Usually she held her head high so the hat would slump backwards. This time she was staring at the ground and the hat blocked any view of her face. I'd never seen her like that. She was practically dragging her hooves across the dirt.
"Lucky Roll," I said softly when I came up to her. At first it looked like she was just going to walk passed me and into the Salt Block. When she stopped she slowly lifted her head up to look at me. Her hat was still slumped forward and blocking her entire face.
"What." Her voice was flat.
I rolled my eyes while she couldn't see my face then I crouched down in front of her. She just looked at me listlessly. I pushed her hat so it'd slump backwards like usual. "What happened, Lucky?"
She sighed deeply. Her eyes were red from recent crying and her expression was drained. "They fired me."
"Why?"
She looked at the ground off to the side. Shame and anger filled her expression, "I got fired from my job," she hissed through her clenched teeth. "They said 'We just can't handle your antics anymore, Ms. Roll.' After everything he did for them they--"
I put my hand under her chin and gently guided her to look me in the eyes. I smiled softly, real sympathy was breaking through my own shame. "So what, Lucky? We're on the frontier. Do you know what that means? It means this is the land of opportunity. The land of fresh starts. The land of new hopes." Here I was, filled with regret for a wrong I hadn't even committed yet, trying to sin in a way I could never be redeemed for, just for my own continued existence. I desperately wanted to believe my own speech. Maybe that's what got through to the mare. She lost the anger and the shame and a small smile broke through. I returned it honestly through the twisting pit in my stomach.
"What are you saying Felix?"
I wasn't sure which was the greater sin. "I'm saying I'm going to start up my business. Do you want to help me?" Was it worse to steal a soul or to trick an innocent into helping you do it?
Her smile went wide and I swear I saw to tear or two before she hugged me tightly. I hugged her back. "Come on, Lucky, lets go fix your hat." At least I could do one good thing for a mare whose own ruin I was risking so wantonly.
She followed me with confusion plastered on her face. I started off towards The First Appleloosian Bank slowly enough for her to dry her eyes and pretend I hadn't seen anything. We ended up sitting on a pile of wood in an alley not far from our destination. "Give me your hat." She complied but still looked unsure. I snapped my fingers and a contract burned into existence.
"I never got to ask you about human magic. So do you guys just snap your fingers and summon stuff out of fire or somethin'?"
"Actually humans are completely useless when it comes to magic. I'd be willing to bet good money that you've got more magic in your left hoof than I've got in my whole body."
"Really," she looked at me with doubt and interest, "then how are you doing that?"
"Its actually a spell from my employer. We have to send things back and forth over long distances so this is something they came up with."
"Hmm. I bet you could make a load of bits selling a spell like that."
I laughed, almost surprised to find myself in good humor, "I bet you could. Unfortunately I have no clue how it works and I doubt they'd be willing to tell anyone."
"Too bad," she chuckled, "I could use some more bits."
"We're going to make quite a few today." She raised an eyebrow. "Right. So basically this contract trades a wish for someone's soul."
Lucky's eyes lit up. "A wish? As in anything I dream of?"
I was surprised by her lack of doubt. Thinking back to the ponies I'd met on the street I was surprised by how many ponies seemed to just take my word for it. I guess that's what happens when you live in a place where magic is an every day mediocrity.
I explained to her how the contracts work and how they were subject to renegotiation and that my employers valued souls very highly.
Her eyes were glistening with hope. "Lucky Roll."
"Yes?"
"I need you to promise me that you'll never sign one of these."
"What?!" she shouted. "You can't just dangle all my dreams in front of me and then tell me not to grab them! Its unequestrian!"
"I'm serious, Lucky." I reached back into that place where I'd stuffed my envy and used it to harden my heart. "We can talk about giving you your own wish after we sign a bunch of contracts today and make a ton of bits." We held eye contact for a moment. When she looked like she was about to protest I cut her off before she could start. "Do you promise?"
"Fine. I promise I won't sign any of your contracts."
"Good." I started summoning up a bunch of contracts, folding them and lining her hat with them.
She watched me with interest until a question popped into her head. "I still don't even know what a soul is."
I grit my teeth. "Its just an invisible thing that's in you. Its like an energy you don't need. My employers sell them almost like a collectible to rich idiots who have more money than they know what to do with." This is a terrible sin. If I ever had a chance of actually getting into heaven its gone now.
Lucky sighed. "Okay so what do you need me to do?"
"I need you to go around telling ponies what souls are and why I'm selling wishes for them."
"Okay."
"But I need you to downplay the value of them. Because we're also going to sell wishes for a common laborer's month's wages. 1200 bits right?"
"Wha-Why? If the souls are so valuable then why are you selling wishes for a soul and bits?"
"Because nobody is going to believe it if they don't have to pay a high enough price."
"Noponys just gonna give you 1200 bits on your word."
"No they won't. The bits will be going straight to the bank. I won't touch a single one."
"H-how much are you paying me for this?"
I needed need to think long on her cut. I could be ruining her eternity after all, "We'll cut the profit on the bits 50/50."
"Half!" She looked like she was about to protest until she thought about it for a moment.
"Yup," I said with a smile.
"And you... already talked to the bank about this?"
"Nope. We're going to talk to the banker right now."
"What if he says no?"
I rolled my eyes at her, "Then help me convince him."
"Er.. okay." I set the hat on her head and started walking out of the alley. "Hey! It fits!"
"I know!" I called back to her.
"So let me get this straight. You want me to put my reputation on the line so you can sell wishes for 1200 bits and some invisible thing noponys ever heard of? Is that correct Mr. Grayson?" Noble Guarantee, the owner the towns only bank, was skeptical.
"Not quite. I'm the one putting my reputation on the line. I merely want you to ensure that I am incapable of running off with the bits in case I'm a fraudster. I'm offering you 5% of the bits from each purchase of a wish, plus the interest on the many loans that are likely to be coming into your bank very soon."
"What happens if you're a failure rather than a fraudster?"
"Then I'll compensate you for any loses you may incur, including your time."
"And if you run off."
"Then I'll pay off whatever debts he incurs," Lucky said.
"Young lady, you can't even pay your own debts."
The mare looked lost for a moment, but just a moment, "This is the perfect opportunity for me to do so."
The old banker chewed on this for a moment. "Fine. But I need 10% to pay my staff today. And if this damages my reputation in the slightest then so help me Celestia I'll sue you both into so much debt you'll never climb your way out of it."
"That's perfectly acceptable," I said. Lucky didn't look so sure. In a small town like this a banker's reputation was more important than the air he breathed. Literally, a loss of reputation could ruin his business, force his family into generations long destitution and get him shot to top of the tragedy cake.
"Come one! Come all! All your dreams could come true today! A single wish! Anything you desire for the low, low cost of your soul and an apple picker's month's salary! That's right! Just 1200 bits. Fully guaranteed by The First Appleloosian Bank! If you're not satisfied you can pick your bits up right here at the bank! My partner Mr. Grayson and I never touch your hard earned bits!
Lucky was doing well. She'd stirred the town into a frenzy. At first they'd been skeptical but after explaining the lack of risk and how unimportant the little detail of the soul was that skepticism had vanished into a stampede of greedy ponies. Their eyes were filled with hope and their reservations were thrown away in a wild abandon. It seemed we'd tapped into a herd instinct after the first few had taken the plunge. They weren't even asking hard questions anymore.
I summoned up contracts and fired them back for processing as fast as I could, taking special care that all the wishes seemed of high enough value to give up an immortal soul. There weren't many modest wishes but I convinced all who made them to dream as big as they could. Once they were informed that if the wish was to big it could be easily renegotiated they lost their reservations.
Mr. Noble Guarantee and his entire staff were writing up loans with a speed that could only be explained by earth pony magic and the alluring sound of jingling bits. I'd promised them each a wish after the all the town's ponies were taken care of.
I read many a standard wish, a life time of profitable harvests, a prospect full of gold, healthy foals, the stallion/mare of their dreams, happy lives, even immortality, unending riches and alicornhood. Those were sure to be renegotiated, but hey, they were sure to get something good. Not enough for the cost, but something. The busy day helped me ignore the feelings of regret and shame. I saw so many excited, hopeful eyes. No wish could pay for the cost of what I was taking from them but there was no going back now. I'd finally crossed the line. I'd been lying to myself up to this point. I could have gone back when I was on that hill. I could have walked away, faced that skeletal abomination. It was only now that I realized that I was the real abomination. The skeleton was just a fact of reality. I was the aberration.
A joyful "Hey there!" pulled me from my dark thoughts.
"Braeburn! What are you doing here!"
The naive stallion laughed, "Same thing everypony else is doin'! I'm getting my wish!" The smile on his face was ten miles wide.
I... I couldn't do it. Not to him. He'd been the kindest of them all. There was no way I was doing it. Not for one more day. I leaned in across the desk I'd been using getting nose to nose so we could speak privately in the cacophony of chaos around us. "I'm sorry, Brae, I can't sell you a wish."
The sound pressed against us like an invading horde of mongols. Braeburn's smile became uneasy, "Why's that, Felix?"
"I just can't do business with you," I said. I would have prayed that he wouldn't press if I thought anyone would listen.
"Felix. Why," he said it as a statement.
"My-my employer won't allow me to sell to your kind," I said quietly. I wasn't sure he heard me, I couldn't bring myself to say it with any volume.
"My kind?" The hurt and confusion in his voice were a palpable miasma filling me with pain. I embraced that pain with relish. This was the best I could do for the good stallion. He needed to hate me. He needed to know how cruel I truly was and this was the only way I could show him without letting him see the horrid truth. I needed to scare him away from me before I could ruin his life, and worse.
"I can't take your business, flamer." It cut him. That word. The word his friends has used to ease him through his insecurities had become my weapon.
"Fla-- I-- You--" I saw the sense of betrayal fill him and the unshed tears filling his eyes.
"Don't give me that. Don't show me your pain. Don't give me your pride. Hold your head high, walk out of here, and keep your pride."
His mouth clamped shut like a bear trap catching his own feelings. He glared at me with the tears still in his eyes. He turned and walked out of the bank without a word. His pain was easily seen in the speed of his walk and in the stiffness of his stride but he kept his head high. I pretended not to see the questioning glance I got from Lucky when he brushed passed her. He was a good stallion. He didn't deserve to be anywhere near me. None of them did. This was the best I could do for him.
