March 14th was Cassandra's birthday and the Mane 6 wanted nothing more than to please her. She had insisted on no gifts or party, but the Mane 6 ere so impressed by her humility that they decided she deserved to have both.
"What do you get for the mare who has everything?" wondered Rarity.
"Well stand back, because I have a gift idea that'll knock your socks off!" said Twilight proudly.
"Is it a book, darling?" asked Rarity
"Gasp! Rarity, I didn't know you were psychic" said Twilight.
"Oh don't be silly Twilight, I'm not psychic."
"Then how did you know?"
"Element of Generosity, darling, I know what everypony's giving everypony. You have a very one-track mind, so naturally you'll give her something you like. Pinkie Pie will give her an unusual bubble blowing machine, Rainbow will give her a piece of Wonderbolts merchandise that she has duplicates of, Fluttershy will give her a hemp tea cozy, and Applejack will attempt to make a clay bowl, fail miserably, and end up giving her some unsold apple treats from the day prior."
"If she decides to invite Applejack at all," pointed out Twilight.
"T'would be completely understandable" agreed Rarity, "but Cassandra has the patience of a mountain and the warmth of sunlight. If anypony can endure Applejack, it's her. Now, shall we get started on the decorations?"
Rainbow Dash was going through her collection of Wonderbolts merchandise, looking for a an item she could bear to part with. She had three of everything - one to display, one to use, and one to lend. Try as she might, she simply couldn't bring herself to give anything up.
"It's for Cassandra," she told herself, "she's worth it." Finally she settled on Background Wonderbolt #5. She decided she could part with it.
Fluttershy was at her home addressing all the pets, "Cassandra's birthday is coming up, and I thought it might maybe a pet would be a good gift. O-only if you want to f course, so, um is maybe one of you interested?" she asked timidly. All the animals started jumping up and down and raising their wings or paws. Fluttershy raised a hoof to silence them. "Oh my, so every single one of you wants to be Cassandra's pet?" The animals nodded their heads. "Goodness, I didn't expect that. Well this won't do at all, I can't give all of you to her. Sorry, I guess I have to think of something else." The animals looked sad, but they knew they could cope - despite her shortcoming of not being Cassandra, Fluttershy was pretty ok. "Hmm, how about a tea cozy? But I don't want to buy yarn and rob some poor sheep of its wool. There's got to be a more eco-friendly material."
Applejack was working at a potter's wheel, spinning it crazy fast and getting clay everywhere. Applebloom peeked her head in the doorway,
"Applejack what in th' hay..." she ducked quickly as a lump of clay whizzed over her head, "...are ya doin'?"
"Ah'm makin' a gift fer Cassandra" said Applejack, "normally ah'd buy one, but ah'm broke. As it turns out, givin' away all yer apples fer free to anypony who asks nicely ain't a viable business model... aw horseapples, th' doohickey's jammed!" She stomped dow on the pedal but the wheel refused to spin.
"Here lemme.take a look at it" said Applebloom. She started tinkering with the machine,
"Ah only want one thing on mah birthday" said Applejack, "a roll in th' hay with Braeburn." She began to drool.
"You could always give me to her" suggested Applebloom, "ah bet she'd love to adopt me."
Applejack chuckled, "don't be silly Appblebloom, why would ya wanna do that when you have me as yer sister?"
"Gimme three hours, ah'll make you a list of reasons."
Applejack rolled her eyes, "ya don't need ta get all uppity just cause ya know how ta write."
"Machine's fixed" said Applebloom.
"Well thank ya kindly Applebloom, but ah've decided ta give up on makin' a gift. Go get me some of th' leftover apple fritters from yesterday.
"Ah put 'em in th' trash" said Applebloom
"Then go fish 'em out!"
"AJ we can't sell those."
"That don't mean we can't eat 'em. Apples are th' end-all be-all of food and there ain't no possible situation fer a pony ta dislike apple treats. Now do as yer sister says."
At the carousel boutique, Rarity was still fretting over what gift to get Cassandra. "I could make her a dress with sequins on it, but then again, what if she already has one? Perhaps I could narrow it down, what color goes with her eyes? Oh dear, that doesn't help, her eyes change colour depending on her mood! It's hopele-e-e-ess!" she sobbed.
"What's hopeless?" asked Sweetie Belle, entering the room,
"Oh, it's grownup stuff that you wouldn't understand."
"Oh. Ok. It's Cassandra's birthday today isn't it? I should get her a gift, she's been like a sister to me. Hey, I know, I'll offer to help her practice kissing! She'll think that I'm doing her a favor, when in actuality, I'm the one enjoying lip-locking with her. Ooh, maybe if I'm really good at kissing, she'll let me brush her mane."
"You know you're right Sweetie Belle, the best gifts are the ones you can't put a price tag on," and she galloped off
"You totally can!" called Sweetie Belle, "I know what 'turning tricks' means and it's not transformation magic!"
Cassandra's birthday party in full swing, and all Cassandra's friends were there. Applejack was there too, because Cassandra was feeling charitable enough to make her party worse for the sake of AJ's feelings. Applejack was technically one of the Element Bearers, even if not an indispensable one. Throughout the day, other ponies dropped by and left presents for her.
"I brought you a grabber claw" said Lyra, "it's the next best thing to having hands if you're not a unicorn."
"And I brought you some candy" said Bonbon
"Hey! Stay out of my territory!" objected Pinkie Pie, "also, don't you know that Cassandra's intolerant of bisexuals?"
"Pinkie, you're confusing me for yourself again," reminded Cassandra, "and you shouldn't be intolerant of bisexuals, because I am bisexual too". The other were bowled over by Cassandra's progressiveness. She was so generous, teaching them lessons on her own birthday. After Lyra had left, Twilight asked Cassandra,
"why didn't you tell Lyra that her gift was stupid and useless because you can do magic despite being a pegasus?"
"Because, Twilight, Lyra put a lot of effort and thought into her gift. She didn't have to get me anything at all, but she decided that she loved me enough to get me a present, and that alone is wonderful of her."
"Ya gonna thank 'er with some sexy time later?" asked Applejack with a naughty grin. Cassandra whacked Applejack in the back of the head with her hoof,
"What the hell is wrong with you? She's in a committed relationship! You think I'm some lowlife homewrecker?" The others glared at Applejack. She saw her mistake and resolved to keep her moth shut so that she wouldn't put her hoof in it again. There came a knock at the door, it was the Princesses.
"Happy birthday long lost sister." said Celestia
"GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS TO THEE!" added Luna, "WE ARE HONORED THAT THOU WOULDST INVITE OUR HUMBLE SELVES TO THINE SHINDIG!"
"As you should be," replied Cassandra.
"My sister and I are very interested in this 'pin the tail on the pony' game."
"INDEED!!! WE ARE MOST-" Cassandra held up a hoof to shush the socially inept alicorn. "Er that is, indeed, we are most curious about how one canst play it without a convict or servant present."
"You can use Applejack in lieu" said Cassandra.
"Very well then." Luna picked up the fake tail and started to put on the blindfold, but Cassandra snatched it away.
"Jeez Luna, I was joking! Am I the only sane pony left? Use the picture over there!" She pointed at a drawing of a pony hung up on the wall. "Though incidentally, has anypony seen Applejack?"
"I think she was bobbing for apples" said Twilight. They looked over at the apple bobbing basin and saw Applejack with her head immersed in the water, bubbles floating to the surface. Cassandra knew that Applejack was a clumsy pony, but even she was surprised that Applejack had managed to drown in a one foot deep pool.
"Let's open presents now!" declared Pinkie Pie, "me first, me first!" she gave Cassandra a pink wrapped present with blue balloons. Cassandra opened it gingerly
"Oh look it's a bubble machine," said Cassandra, acting like this was a perfectly normal gift for a 22 year old pony to be giving, "I love it."
"Woohoo!" said Pinkie.
"Here's my gift" said Twilight, giving Cassandra a hard rectangular box. Even though it was clear as day what her gift was, Cassandra pretended to be clueless,
"Ooh, I wonder what it could be? Oh wow it's a book! Thank you Twilight!"
"I would like to go next" said Rarity. "Incidentally, I'm surprised that none of you asked why I'm wearing a bathrobe." She was indeed wearing a bathrobe. "My gift is a night of passionate lovemaking." She let her bathrobe fall to the floor, revealing the skimpy, frilly, provocative outfit she was wearing underneath.
"Um, that was my gift too" said Rainbow, surreptitiously pushing her gift under the table
"A-and mine" added Fluttershy.
Cassandra was much too clever to be deceived like that, but she recognized that they only wanted to make her happy, so she let it go. "Shall we proceed up to my bedroom?" They went upstairs, and Cassandra gave them the best night of their lives - even though it was her birthday she generously exerted herself fully and gave them their share before she got hers. They all screamed out her name. As they cuddled together with their heads resting on Cassandra's chest, Rarity looked up and asked,
"Cassandra, I must know did we succeed in giving you the best birthday ever?"
"You want the honest truth?"
"Yes, yes!"
"It was adequate."
Rarity gave a delighted squeal. A compliment from Cassandra truly was the greatest gift ever.
