Kirb Hysteria: Scum of Equestria

by Kirb

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark
Length: 3262

An ex-politician who ran for mayor finally gets his dream, but nopony else likes it one bit.

After living in the abandoned sewers of Ponyville for five years, ex-politician Kirby "Kirb" Hysteria comes up to get more food so he can live in the sewers for another five years. The next day, the mayor mysteriously goes missing, and in her will, she says Kirb may take over. When he does, however, the ponies of Ponyville don't like him and his beliefs about equality among ponies…

This is a prequel to my in-progress fanfiction "Into Unknown Territory."

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-01 03:46:24 UTC

Prologue: I Hate It Here

Prologue: I Hate It Here

Everything was wonderful in the lovely town of Ponyville. Ponies were talking, profits were booming, and everybody was happy. Unicorns and earth ponies walked on the land, while in the sky, pegasi flew overhead.

But that was on the surface.

Nobody even cared about what went on below Ponyville. But something definitely was going on down there.

Deep underneath the feet of the ponies on the surface was the abandoned sewer system. It had been abandoned long ago to be replaced with a newer, more efficient one. The only animals one could see in there were rats, insects, and, strangely enough, a pegasus.

This pegasus had a black coat, a blue mane with a cyan stripe across the center, and a purple and green tail. His eyes were a blue-green tint. He wore a white bodysuit that covered most of his body, including his flank. His left wing was bandaged. There was a torch next to him as he lay down.

As he got up and turned his head, he saw a large chamber that was completely empty, save for some small amounts of hay and a few apple cores. He frowned, as if expecting something else there.

This pegasus had not kept track of the time during the many years he had been living in the sewers. He had been enjoying his time there, so he had expected to live there until he died. Unfortunately, he had run out of food before that had happened.

He reached next to him and found a blank scroll with a pen next to it. Nearby there was a large pile of scrolls. Though the pegasus didn't keep track of time, he had written very detailed logs about his life in the sewers, his feelings about it, and mainly his hatred of Ponyville.

The pegasus picked up the pen and started writing.

They called me "the scum of Equestria." They called me "the afterbirth of Nightmare Moon." They warned their children not to go near me. And I don't blame them. I'm a menace.

He paused.

God damn it. A menace all right. A menace for telling the truth. A menace for fighting for the rights of one minority in a society that favors the other majority. A menace... for having a damn opinion. I question, then, am I really a menace? Or am I just a normal person in a group of menaces?

Who knows, really? After all, they were the ones who didn't vote for me. They were the ones who didn't want equality. They were the ones who preferred one gender over the other. They were the ones who burned down my house, broke my wing, and made my life a living hell.

So let's all ruin somepony's life for having an opinion, a vision, a dream! Who cares about the repercussions it will have on all of Equestria?

He paused again. And cried. His tears made the ink barely readable. Nonetheless, he got back up and continued writing.

And now I have to go back up to that shithole. I bet it will have changed a lot since five years ago, but I probably won't be surprised. I keep up with the news a lot. I heard, for example, that some other ponies took control of the elements of harmony. Whoop de frikkin' doo. Gone from one oppressive female leader to another.

But no, I'm not going up there because I want to. I'm going up because I'll have to, or I'll die, because the shitheads up there have starved me out. And because of that, I have run out of food.

He stopped writing. He grabbed a brown cloak and wrapped it around him. He then put on some dark sunglasses, for he knew that after being underground so long, it would be very bright up above and hard for his eyes to adjust. Putting a backpack around his back, he stopped once more to look at his dwelling in the sewer. He knew that he'd be back. Thankfully. He picked up his pen and finished writing. Then he put down the pen and walked away, into the darkly lit sewers. As he climbed up a long ladder to get to the top of a manhole, he said, "Here goes."

He pushed the manhole cover off, sticking his head out into the light. The sun was bright, so it was a good idea to wear sunglasses. As he looked around, everypony stared at him with looks of fear. Young fillies ran to their mothers.

He remembered the last words he had written down and knew immediately that they were still true:

My name is Kirby "Kirb" Hysteria, the scum of Equestria, and damn, I hate it here.

NOTE:

Yes, this is the prologue. The main character is my OC, Kirby "Kirb" Hysteria, and the other main characters are Twilight Sparkle and the Mayor.

Also, Kirb Hysteria does become mayor, and the things he did were not actually really horrible, as the other ponies believe them to be. He actually turns out to have really good intentions, and is just a wee bit whacked up in the head.

But I swear to you, after I finish this fanfiction, you will be sympathizing with him soooo badly.

Also, the events in this fanfiction take place in current MLP time, and before the events in my other in progress fanfiction "Into Unknown Territory."

One more thing: if you're wondering why they kicked Kirb Hysteria out of being a mayor, my only response is, you'll see...

Bye!

Ponyville Under My Hooves

Chapter One: Ponyville Under My Hooves

Twilight Sparkle woke up having a good day. As usual, she made a list of things to get done that day, and then she did them. As she went outside, she was greeted by her friends Pinkie Pie and Rarity, as usual.

"Good morning, Twilight!" said Pinkie Pie.

"Good morning, Pinkie!" said Twilight.

"How is everything going?" asked Rarity.

"Fine, thank you," responded Twilight.

Her assistant Spike the dragon walked next to her, holding a scroll containing the list of things and a quill in his hands.

"Okay, Twilight," said Spike, "your first task is..."

"Hold up," said Twilight, pausing in her walking. "Do you feel that?"

"Feel what?" asked Spike.

"Nothing, it just felt like an earthquake."

"Well, you are standing on a manhole cover... Perhaps the construction workers are down there, fixing the sewers up."

"But that makes no sense," said Pinkie. "That sewer system hasn't been used for years now! Perhaps it's a ghost!!!"

Suddenly, the manhole cover started shaking again, and Twilight jumped off it.

"I definitely felt that," said Twilight.

The manhole cover started rising. All three ponies + Spike gasped as it came clean off and a black stallion with a blue mane stuck his head out, looking around in all directions. His eyes, covered by dark sunglasses, stared in Twilight's direction. Pinkie screamed and hid behind Twilight, and Spike, seeing Pinkie's reaction, naturally assumed it to be the right thing to do and also hid behind Twilight.

As the stallion climbed out, Twilight got a better look at him. His mane wasn't plain blue, but rather, blue with a cyan stripe across the middle. His tail was purple and green. He wore a white bodysuit and a dark brown cloak, so Twilight couldn't see his flank or his cutie mark. One thing she did notice, however, was that he was a pegasus. His wings, however, were folded up, and his left wing was bandaged. He was wearing a backpack.

The pegasus proceeded to walk through Ponyville, as everypony stared at him in fear. Fluttershy dropped the basket she was carrying. Rainbow Dash crashed into the side of a building. Most other ponies got distracted from what they were previously doing and instead stared at the mysterious pegasus. Sweetie Belle looked at the pegasus for a second, but then Rarity called to her.

"Sweetie Belle! Come back here away from that stallion!"

Sweetie Belle ran towards Rarity. It was then when the pegasus spoke.

"Don't mind me, I'm just passing through. Go back to your happy lives."

"Like hell we will!" yelled Rarity. "You expect us to believe that? Ha! We all know you're really here to ruin Ponyville like you almost ruined it five years ago!"

The pegasus showed no emotion, and instead turned around, saying "Tough crowd, as usual."

As the pegasus walked away, the crowds all backed away from him. He eventually disappeared out of sight. Spike stuck his head out from behind an unphased Twilight.

"Is he gone?"

"Yes, he's gone. You can come out now, Pinkie."

Spike and Pinke both came out from behind Twilight, Pinkie shivering.

"Now listen very closely," Rarity said to Sweetie Belle. "Don't you ever go near that lunatic ever again!"

"Okay," said Sweetie Belle, galloping away in the other direction. "I'm going to hang out with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom now."

"Hold on, Rarity," said Twilight. "Who is that guy? Besides a lunatic, of course."

"That poor excuse for a pony," said Rarity, "is Old Man Kirby. He tried to run against the mayor five years ago. We never let him win, of course."

"Why is everypony so scared of him?" asked Twilight.

"H-h-he i-i-is c-c-crazy!" said Pinkie, with her teeth chattering.

"Ugh!" groaned Twilight. "Pinkie, you're so hypocritical. Why are they really scared of him?" Just then, Rainbow Dash flew up.

"I'll tell you why!" said Rainbow Dash. "When he ran for mayor, he said some evil things that nopony wants!"

"Like communist ideals and such," said Fluttershy, walking to them. "And communism makes me cry!" Her eyes started tearing up.

"Those are bogus reasons for being scared of him," said Twilight, facehoofing.

"Well, aren't you scared of him?" asked Rarity.

"Maybe a little," admitted Twilight. "But we learned in the situation with Zecora that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, so I'm going to need some more facts. I'm going to go talk to him."

...

Meanwhile, at a certain apple farm, Applejack was bucking the apples again. Suddenly, Granny Smith came up to her and says, "Here comes trouble."

Applejack looked down the road and saw "Old Man Kirby" approaching. She frowned.

"Troubl' indeed."

As Old Man Kirby approached the farm, Applejack yelled at him.

"I though' ya said you wer' leavin' fer good!"

"I hoped I was!" yelled back Old Man Kirby. "Seems the case was not so sweet!"

Applejack glared at him as he came closer.

"Applejack," he said. "So I see you've taken over the farm since I left. Isn't it usually customary for the eldest sibling to take over? And isn't Big Macintosh older than you?"

"None of yer business!" she said. "Now either buy something or get out."

"That's exactly why I'm here," he responded, "after all, I certainly didn't come here for the small talk. Give me as many apples that can fit in my backpack."

He pulled his bag off his back and handed it to Applejack, who walked away, mumbling the word "jackass" under her breath.

"I heard that!" yelled Kirby.

Applejack made him wait an extended amount of time for them to come back. Finally, she gave his bag back to him.

"45 bits."

"Raised the price, eh?" said Kirby as he pulled out a wallet and pulled some money out of it. "And quite a lot since I last bought from here."

"Don' you ever come here again," whispered Applejack.

"I'll have to, since I need enough to live underground for another five years. Besides, I'm the one giving you money. You should be thankful I even considered this place."

"Go to the moon," said Applejack, spitting at him. "Go to the moon" is considered a major insult among the ponies, so Kirby was pretty pissed, as you all can understand.

"Ponyville under my hooves," he murmured. "Home again."

As he walked away, he didn't notice Twilight Sparkle spying on him from behind a bush.

Dinner With the Mayor

Chapter Two: Dinner With the Mayor

Twilight Sparkle continued watching "Old Man Kirby" from behind the bush as he walked away from Sweet Apple Acres. She was actually feeling rather intimidated by him, but she wanted to give him a chance. Just then, he stopped walking for a second and turned towards the bush.

"You know," he said, "I'm not really that old. In fact, I'm only slightly older than you."

Twilight maintained her position behind the bush. She had hoped he was talking to someone else and didn't know she was behind the bush.

"You can come out now," he said. "Come on, I know you're behind the bush."

Twilight stepped out. "How did you know I was behind there?"

"Come on," he said. "With your loud panting, how could I not know?"

"Um..." said Twilight.

"You really have no reason to be scared of me," he continued. "It's not like I did anything wrong."

"Look, Old Man Kir..." she began, but then corrected herself. "...sorry, I forgot you don't like to be called that. What should I call you instead?"

"My name is Kirby Hysteria, but you can call me Kirb."

"Look, uh, Kirb, I really have to get going with the things on my list, and..."

It was right about then when another pony screeched to a halt in between them, with an envelope in her mouth.

"Kirb Hysteria!" said the pony, setting down the envelope. "You have a message from the Mayor." The pony galloped away.

"Now what could this be?" asked Kirb with interest. He opened the envelope and read it:

Dear Kirb Hysteria,

How's it been? I understand you have come back from underground. You didn't really think that you would survive for more than five years down there, did you? Anyway, I am inviting you to dinner tonight. We will discuss things like your plans to stay here in the future. Please come at 7:30 pronto.

Sincerely,

The Mayor

Kirb folded up the letter.

"I just got invited to dinner with the Mayor, of all ponies."

"Oh," Twilight said. "Now listen..."

"I know, I know," interrupted Kirb. "You have a lot to do, and I'm creeping you out. I forgive you, it's completely normal to be scared of me. Now go on. As far as I'm concerned, there's no need for this conversation to go any further."

As Twilight watched Kirb walk away, she thought, I am going to get to the bottom of this.

...

"Invited to dine with th' Mayor?" exclaimed Applejack. "Him?!"

"I mean," said Rarity, "I can understand the Mayor inviting someone to dinner, but of all ponies... him?!"

"I do not understand it either," said Twilight, "but I have an idea of what to do."

"Like maybe bust his head in?" said Rainbow Dash.

"Rainbow..." But before Twilight could intervene, the pegasus was already practicing her fighting moves.

"Yeah, Rainbow Dash!" said Pinkie Pie, in her usual squeaky voice. "We shouldn't fight him! We should throw a welcoming party for him!!! Only he creeps me out too, so..."

"Um, guys," said Fluttershy, "I think we should listen to Twilight's plan."

Everypony in the room stopped talking and looked at Twilight.

"Well," said Twilight, clearing her throat, "something suspicious is obviously going on that nopony has told me about. So my plan is, one of us hides in watch next to every manhole for the old sewers to see if Kirb comes out. Then when he does, I'll be watching him have dinner with the Mayor and continue watching, trying to catch every word I hear. Then we'll watch him until he goes back in the sewer, and we'll take down as many notes as possible. Got it?"

"Right!" said everypony else in the room.

"Psh," said Spike, who had been listening to the entire plan. "It'll never work."

...

Dressed in a black bodysuit, Twilight snuck up behind a bush next to the Mayor's office. She held a walkie talkie up to her mouth using her horn.

"This is Twilight calling the rest of the team, do you copy? Over."

"Rainbow Dash here, over!"

"Pinkie here, over!"

"Rarity here, over!"

"Applejack 'ere, ov'r!"

"Fluttershy here, over."

"Okay, is everypony in position?" asked Twilight over the walkie talkie.

"Sure am!"

"Woo-hoo!"

"I certainly am!"

"Ah'm here!"

"Yes. Oh no, Angel, I'll make your salad later, just hold on! I have to help out my friends now."

Twilight chuckled a little bit. Same old Fluttershy, she thought.

"Okay, if anypony sees Kirb, then call back, okay?"

Everypony returned their calls, each one saying "yes" in their own way.

...

After a few minutes of waiting, Twilight received another call.

"Dis is Applejack callin' Twilight. Old Man Kirby jus' came out of this man'ole!"

"Got it. Keep me posted."

"Seem t' be goin' in the direction of th' Mayor's office! Can anypony else see 'im?"

"This is Fluttershy calling Twilight. I can see him too! I hope he doesn't see me. I'm scared!"

"This is Pinkie signaling Twilight! Ooh, he's wearing a tie! That means this is really fancy!"

"This is Rarity. Oh my, that tie just does not go with the rest of his outfit! Fashion disaster!"

"Rainbow Dash here. God, I want to punch him right now."

"Calm down, all of you," reassured Twilight. It was right about then when she saw Kirb come into view. He approached the Mayor's office and knocked on the door. A few seconds later, the Mayor opened it.

"Come on in," said the Mayor. Kirb entered and the Mayor followed, closing the door behind her. Twilight looked in through a window and called on the walkie talkie again.

"This is Twilight. Kirb has just entered the office. Everypony regroup next to the door."

As Twilight watched, she could also make out a few of the things they were saying.

"So, Kirby Hysteria, we meet again," said the Mayor.

"Long time, no see, Mayor," said Kirb.

"How's everything going for you, Kirby?" asked the Mayor.

"Please, call me Kirby," said Kirb. "And things are going pretty well, considering I just ran out of food to eat in the sewer and everypony else still treats me like shit. Why have you called me here?"

"No reason in particular, just wanted to have dinner and talk."

"I'd like that. After having lived underground for five years, it will be nice to talk to somepony who actually cares."

"How has everypony been treating you?"

"Like crap under their hooves. Ooh, dinner smells good. What's cooking?"

"You'll find out."

Both ponies went into a different room, and the Mayor shut the doors behind her.

"Psst!"

Twilight was so startled by this voice behind her that she fell off the windowsill and onto the ground. She looked up and saw Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash.

"Sorry if ah startl'd you, Twiligh'," said Applejack.

"That's okay," said Twilight.

"What's the update?" asked Pinkie.

"Kirb and the Mayor entered a different room to eat dinner," said Twilight, "and everything they said beforehand was small talk."

"Oh my!" exclaimed Rarity. "What now?"

"Now, obviously, we find another window that looks into the dining room," said Twilight.

Everypony checked around the building, but they couldn't find one that looked into the room where the Mayor and Kirb were having dinner.

"Now what?" asked Applejack.

"Now I really want to pound that jerk's face in," said Rainbow Dash.

"Now," said Twilight, ignoring Rainbow Dash, "we wait."