Dateline MLP

“Greetings, everypony. I’m Twilight Sparkle and this is Dateline: MLP. I’m here today with an important special presentation from WMLP News. For years, we’ve been letting our fillies and colts play sports in gym class or after school. But there’s a hidden cost to this: concussions.”

“The following is a public service announcement brought to you by Princess Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns. We now return to Twilight Sparkle.”

“We’ve all seen it dozens of times over. An athlete takes a hard hit, whether it be from the opposition, their own clumsiness, or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“All my life I’ve wanted to go fast. Ever since I was a filly, it’s been my dream to be the fastest pegasus in all of Equestria. I’ve trained endlessly. I was on every single sports team when I was in school, and I was the star of each and every team I was on. It’s an obsession. An addiction. I have to go fast. I have to be fast. I have to be the fastest.”

“Rainbow Dash’s story is not unique. All around Equestria thousands of other ponies are striving to be number one. And when they get injured…”

“Oh yeah, getting knocked down was all part of the game. I’d just pick myself up, dust myself off, and let my coach know I was good to keep going.”

“How many times would you get knocked down in a given game?”

“Probably ten to fifteen. I don’t know… I lost count pretty quickly.”

“It was horrifying to watch. There were times when she didn’t always bounce up right away, and I’d be sitting there in the audience feeling helpless and scared, not to mention worried sick.”

“Fluttershy has been Rainbow Dash’s best friend since they were both fillies.”

“Rainbow Dash stood up for me when the other ponies would bully me and push me around. I owe a lot to her. She’s been a positive influence on me. It was only natural I’d be concerned for my friend’s health.”

“But she was the only one. Rainbow Dash’s coaches kept letting her play. So did her father. Even when her grades were suffering.”

“I wanted to play. No pain, no gain.”

“I’ve suggested to Rainbow Dash that second place is still really good! Even coming in third, or fourth, or fifth.”

“Second place is for losers, Fluttershy! And Rainbow Dash isn’t a loser! You came in dead last the only time you ran in the Running Of The Leaves. You let the entire field pass you right at the start!”

“I didn’t want anyone else to finish last. They all trained so hard. They would have been really disappointed. And this way I got to see all the pretty leaves as they fell, and I made sure no birds fell out of their nests and that no little woodland creatures darted out in front of everypony. It would be sad to see a little baby bird or bunny get trampled.”

“As you can see, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash are nearly complete opposites.”

“We each compliment one another’s weaknesses. She’s assertive and strong, while I’m meek and weak. And I’m nice and polite while she’s rude and crude.”

“And that’s why I asked you to be a part of today’s program. No one knows Rainbow Dash as well as you do. I would go so far as to say you know her even better than she knows herself.”

“Oh she definitely does. If it weren’t for her I’d have totally forgotten about this show tonight. She remembers everything for me so I don’t have to! She’s an egghead just like you, Twilight Sparkle. Lame! Um, no offense.”

“Sigh. None taken I suppose. It’s true, I like to read but I’d prefer if you called me ‘smart’ or ‘intelligent’ rather than an egghead.”

“Egghead egghead egghead!”

“Since you’re acting like a first grader, why don’t we go back to when you really were that young? When she was in first grade, Rainbow Dash took a mandatory IQ test. She placed in the top 15%. Not quite at genius levels, but smarter than average by a considerable margin.”

“I’m a little ashamed to admit this, but when I was a filly I used to love reading. I always had my nose in a book. That was my Mom’s influence. But I was an only pony, and my Dad always wanted a boy. So as I got older he started taking me to sporting events. I remember the first time I got to see a Wonderbolt Derby! I was hooked instantly. From that day on I knew I wanted to be a Wonderbolt. That I needed to be a Wonderbolt. And I wouldn’t rest until I became one!”

“As she got older, Rainbow Dash lost interest in education and her grades suffered. She was constantly failing tests, but her coaches managed to get her special treatment from enough teachers to keep her from failing and being held back a grade. When did you start having problems in school?”

“Sometime around sixth or seventh grade I guess. All of a sudden I went from the honor roll to barely passing classes. And I was trying hard to pass. At first anyway. After awhile it just got too hard and I just did the bare minimum and hoped to squeak by with a D-. Being the star athlete had perks – the coaches pulled some favors for me.”

“I did my best to tutor her. But I could tell she just wasn’t grasping the concepts. I tried but there wasn’t a lot I could do for her. There were times when I could see things were clicking, and then not more than half an hour later she’d be asking me to explain it all over again. I knew there was something wrong, but nopony would listen to me.”

“Fluttershy is awesome. She’s always been there for me. Without her help I’d probably be a janitor somewhere.”

“Fluttershy, what were some of the problems you saw when tutoring Rainbow Dash?”

“First of all, she wasn’t as smart as she used to be. And part of that was a complete loss of attention span. I couldn’t keep her sitting still long enough to teach her anything. And then when I finally did get her to learn something, she couldn’t always retain that knowledge. And sometimes she complained she couldn’t read because it was making her dizzy or see double.”

“Reading’s for eggheads anyway. I mean except for Daring Do, because she’s cool.”

“We administered another IQ test to Rainbow Dash for this program. She scored in the bottom 20%. We then gave her the same exact test she took in first grade. The results of that test after these messages.”

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“Howdy partner! I’m Applejack, one of the owners of Sweet Apple Acres. We’re a family run farm specializing in you guessed it: apples! Extra care is given to all of our apples from the time they’re planted to the time they arrive on your grocer’s shelves. Now I’m not one of them fancy executives that sits behind a desk all day, oh no far from it! My brother, Big Macintosh, and I get out and buck the apples personally, and my little sister Apple Bloom and our Granny Smith carefully sort the good apples from the bad, assuring that only the absolute finest apples make it from our family to yours. So buy some apples, everypony!”

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“Pinkie Pie here for Sugarcube Corner! Am I really on TV? I’m on TV! I’m really on TV! This is so totally awesome! Hi everypony! Sugarcube Corner is like the absolute best place for snacks! We’ve got cookies, candy, cookies, cakes, cookies, and more cookies! We have every kind of treat imaginable! Especially cookies! I love cookies! You better come down and buy some before I eat them all myself!”

“Get her away from the microphone! Hi everypony, Mrs. Cake here, owner of Sugarcube Corner. We take great delight in bringing your family the quality treats you deserve.”

“Oh sweet! You made confetti cupcakes! I love confetti cupcakes! Yummy! You all have to come down right now and try them right away! Burp! Well, not these, cause I already ate these…but you should like totally try the next batch! Unless I get them all too? I don’t know… but sooner or later you’re bound to get one!”

“Honey, I told you to get her out of here!”

“I had her tied up! She got out! Again!”

“Sorry folks, we appear to be experiencing some technical difficulties. But please hurry on down to Sugarcube Corner and try some treats today!”

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“Welcome back. When she was in first grade, Rainbow Dash took an IQ test designed for school-age ponies and scored highly. We administered the standard adult IQ test and she has scored very poorly. So we decided to give her the same test she took designed for fillies at the first grade level. When she was in first grade, she scored in the top 15%. As an adult, she should have a nearly perfect score. Her results? Exactly at the 50% mark. It doesn’t take a genius to see something’s changed from the time she was a filly. And that something is the repeated blows to the head she took from participating in scholastic sports.”

“I nursed her back to health every time she knocked herself out.”

“Oh yeah, I’ve totally woken up in Fluttershy’s bed and not known how I got there more times than I can count.”

“Before anypony asks, I was sleeping on the couch!”

“Naked!”

“But I don’t normally wear clothes, I mean, not to bed at least and um….er…well, yes. Just yes. But what does that have to do with anything? I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life!”

“Rainbow Dash lacks tact and subtlety. She speaks what’s on her mind at all times.”

“Oh, actually she’s always kind of blurted things out like that. Even before the injuries.”

“But it’s gotten worse, right?”

“Well, yes. But so has everything else. She’s rude, but she’s still a very nice and sweet pony when you get to know her.”

“As you can see, the impact of Rainbow Dash’s impairment has become a burden on her friends and family.”

“Well, not her family so much. See, Rainbow Dash’s dad disowned her when she lost the championship game her senior year at Cloudsdale High. And she’s too stubborn to want to live with her mom.”

“She’s also an egghead. And she’s obsessed with fashion. Always trying to dress me up. Rainbow Dash never dresses in style!”

“Moving on, Rainbow Dash mentioned enjoying the Daring Do series of books. These books are geared toward the young adult market and are generally favored by eighth graders. In the interest of full disclosure, I personally introduced Rainbow Dash to this series, appropriately enough while she was in the hospital with a concussion and a fractured wing from a stunt gone wrong. Normally I wouldn’t interview a close personal friend, but her story needs to be told and serve as a warning for all those parents out there who let their fillies and colts play sports. It could happen to them too. And while this series is geared for younger ponies, Rainbow Dash sometimes struggles with reading the book. For example, I had to help her learn to pronounce archeologist. Seven times.”

“But I totally got it now.”

“Right. I’ve only known Rainbow Dash for about two years now, and up until I introduced her to the book series, I never would have guessed she had a problem. I thought she was just a dumb jock, no offense.”

“None taken. If the horseshoe fits… and it does!”

“But you’re not a dumb jock, Rainbow Dash. And it pains me to see what you’ve become. I was robbed of getting to know the real you.”

“Oh! You would have really liked her, Twilight! She was really nice, and quiet, and shy, and well read. A lot like you in all honesty.”

“And that’s why I decided we needed to spread the word about concussions. When you were playing sports, what kind of protection did they provide?”

“They really stressed abstinence, but they passed out condoms to all the guys. ‘Because boys will be boys’ as they used to say. But that never interested me. Getting pregnant would have ruined my chances of getting into the Wonderbolts. Of course saying ‘no’ to everypony is probably what led to all the rumors that I’m a lesbian.”

“Um…wow. I meant what kind of protection did you wear while playing the games?”

“Oh! The standard gear that schools still use now. Helmets, kneepads, all that kind of stuff. I’m pretty sure my school still uses the same helmets they had when I was there.”

“The same kind of gear they still use now. Chilling words. Every day across Equestria avoidable concussions happen. Despite all of the head injuries she’s had, Rainbow Dash is still training to join the Wonderbolts, and she still functions relatively normally in society. In the two years I’ve known her I’ve personally witnessed her fly straight into the side of a mountain and walk away from it like nothing happened. I’ve watched her crash headfirst through my library window after a stunt went wrong. And I’ve seen her crash into a railroad sign at a high rate of speed while pursuing a buffalo. With the exception of the time she flew smack into the ground and got hospitalized, she’s never shown any signs of slowing down or letting injuries stop her. And that’s the problem. She doesn’t know when to stop.”

“Pain is just weakness leaving the body. You know, you get up and life goes on. If you win, the thrill of victory makes the pain go away. If you lose, the agony of defeat is more stinging than any pain suffered in the actual game.”

“Bold words, but hardly true. We have here some scans of Rainbow Dash’s brain taken from when she was in the hospital. And here we have some scans of a normal pegasus brain: Fluttershy’s. And now this is a recent scan of Rainbow Dash’s brain, taken after a week of bed rest.”

“You have no idea how boring that was.”

“I can guess, considering you voiced your boredom, repeatedly, while trying to escape. You can see that even when she hasn’t been knocked around recently, her brain is still showing signs of damage that never healed all the way.”

“You know, you’re making it sound like I have brain damage.”

“You do. That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you.”

“As if! My brain’s just as good as it ever was.”

“Tell me, why were you kicked out of flight school?”

“I didn’t get kicked out. I quit.”

“But you’ve stated that your dream is to be a Wonderbolt, and flight school is the obvious path to take if you want to join them.”

“Every day it was the same old boring flight patterns. There was nothing new at all.”

“What Rainbow Dash is trying to say is that she’s lazy.”

“Actually, she’s not lazy, she’s just fatigued. That’s another symptom of repeated concussions.”

“Really? I never knew. Oh my stars, so that’s why she sleeps all the time! Oh Rainbow, I’m so very sorry for calling you lazy! Can you ever forgive me?”

“Uh, sure. No problem, Fluttershy.”

“It’s an easy mistake to make. Fluttershy and I are both among Rainbow Dash’s closest friends, and up until I started researching this subject for tonight’s special presentation I thought she was lazy as well. If you walk around Ponyville long enough you’re bound to come across her napping on a cloud somewhere.”

“Clouds are so comfortable! You should totally try them.”

“I would, but I prefer not plummeting thousands of feet to my death. No wings, remember?”

“Oh yeah. I don’t know why I keep forgetting that. Only pegasus ponies can walk on the clouds.”

“Memory loss. We’ve covered that already. Coming up, an interview with one of the Wonderbolts. But first, these messages.”

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“Is your foal smarter than the average pony? Than enroll him or her in Princess Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns. Now accepting pegasus ponies and earth ponies with convenient satellite campuses in Cloudsdale, Baltimare, Las Pegasus, and Fillydelphia in addition to our main campus in Canterlot.”

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“I love doughnuts! Cream-filled! Jelly-filled! Frosted, glazed, sprinkles…. Yummy!”

“Hey! Get away from there! We’re doing a live television commercial! Who let the pink pony on set? Hey! I just baked those! Get away from them! Stop eating my merchandise!”

“These are delicious! You all have got to come down and try them!”

“Donut Joe’s will temporarily be closed for restocking. Come see us next week.”

“I’ll be here!”

“No! You stay away from me! And my store! Call the Royal Guards, quick!”

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“In a rare interview with the media, Spitfire agreed to sit down with me and talk about Rainbow Dash’s prospects for joining the Wonderbolts.”

“Rainbow Dash? She’s got great reflexes, tremendous speed, and moves that make the rest of jealous.”

“So you want her to join the team, right?”

“No way. She lacks discipline. She’s self-centered to the point of not being a team player. The Wonderbolts are a team, and only ponies that can get along with others are considered for open positions. The sonic rainboom is incredible, but she’s done that move enough times that the public’s already bored with it. She needs to come up with some new tricks.”

“Surely her talent makes up for some behavioral issues?”

“I’d like to agree with you, but we’ve been down that road many times in the past. We take in a young hotshot and try to groom him into Wonderbolt material, and he won’t let us, insisting that he can do it better than we can. Rainbow Dash is just like a dozen other hotshots I’ve seen over the years.”

“What if I said I have evidence that a lot of Rainbow Dash’s problems are caused by brain damage?”

“I’d say that’s a real shame, but not surprising. She’s probably banged her head more times than she can count. I’ve seen that before too. Too many athletes push themselves beyond their limits and just keep going anyways. Then they burn out, or they injure themselves beyond repair.”

“Would that make you more inclined to accept her into the Wonderbolts? That opens up a wealth of opportunities via the equal opportunity laws we have.”

“The Wonderbolts are exempt from those regulations by a decree from Princess Celestia herself. Like the Royal Guards, we’re considered one of the premiere special forces of Equestria’s military. A Wonderbolt needs to be able to think as quick as she flies, and Rainbow Dash just can’t cut it.”

“So you’re saying I’ll never be a Wonderbolt?”

“I’m sorry. The best I can offer you is an honorary title, and a position behind the scenes. And the only reason I can even offer you that is in return for saving our lives back in Cloudsdale at the Best Young Flyers competition. None of us has ever seen anything like that all.”

“Honorary title and a desk job? After all the training I’ve done? That’s just…totally unfair.”

“It’s the best we can do. We’re extremely grateful, so the position will always be open for you. We don’t need a decision right this second.”

“Please stop crying. It’s not all bad. You would still be with the Wonderbolts and you’d be performing a very valuable service for them.”

“It’s a desk job, Fluttershy. A desk job! I hate desks. I hate doing boring work.”

“And there you have it. The culmination of her life’s work.”

“So will you be taking the job, Rainbow Dash?”

“I’d rather keep my job as a weather manager for Ponyville and salvage what little dignity I have left after today’s show.”

“But you trained so hard to be with them.”

“I know.”

“And you saved their lives.”

“I remember. I was there.”

“And you even had Rarity make you an official Wonderbolt outfit.”

“Enough, Fluttershy. Just… enough.”

“The dreams and ambitions of a pegasus pony, shattered. The ultimate goal of her single-minded obsession is just beyond her reach. All because she trained too hard and took too many hits to the head. So what were we able to do for Rainbow Dash? The answer when we come back.”

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“Do you like sunny days? Do you like rain to help make your garden bloom? Do you enjoy playing in the snow? Then maybe you have what it takes to join the Cloudsdale Weather Team. We’re currently looking for motivated pegasus ponies like you to fill some open weather management positions. Applicants must be able to clear a cloudy sky, create and control tornadoes, and manipulate lightning strikes. No experience necessary, on the job training available!”

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“This Friday, Saturday, and SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY the Wonderbolt Derby comes to the Cloudsdale Arena! Derby season is almost over and this is the next to last race on the schedule. Who will qualify to go to the Championship Race in Canterlot next month? Be here and be the first to find out! And as an added bonus watch Spitfire and Soarin’ duel in the ultimate grudge match drag race showdown! We’ll sell you the whole seat but you’ll only need the edge!”

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“Colgate here with Ponyville Family Dentistry. We perform routine checkups and cleanings, as well as cavity-filling and even cosmetic operations to give you the whitest, brightest smile in all of Ponyville!”

“I have a toothache. Help!”

“Let me take a look… holy moly, that’s a lot of holes. Cavities even. What did you eat?”

“Oh, let’s see, I had some chocolate chip cookies, three batches of confetti cupcakes, and I just finished eating a doughnut shop out of business…”

“You’ve had all of that in the last month?”

“Oh no silly, I had all of that in the last hour!”

“Ponyville Family Dentistry – we’ll fill your cavities, and coming soon, we’ll be administering diabetes testing as well!”

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“What were we able to do for Rainbow Dash? Sadly, the answer is not much. We’ve diagnosed her problems. But there’s no cure. She’s going to be as dumb as a brick the rest of her life.”

“Hey!”

“I’m sorry. What I meant to say is that she will be mentally deficient for the rest of her life.”

“That means the same thing, doesn’t it?”

“Yes. But it’s more polite.”

“I hate political correctness. Let’s just go with the bricks thing then.”

“But look at it this way – your story could save thousands of other ponies from suffering this same fate. Think of Scootaloo. She idolizes you- and she could be next. You could help her save her brain before it’s too late.”

“Wouldn’t that require having a brain to save?”

“Rainbow Dash!”

“I’m serious. That girl has about as much brain capacity as I do.”

“No wonder she looks up to you.”

“And I don’t think you have to worry about her getting a concussion. Poor thing can’t even fly. Isn’t that the funniest thing you’ve ever heard? A pegasus that can’t fly? That’s like a fish that can’t swim!”

“Thank you, Rainbow Dash, for that insight. And thank you for allowing us to tell your story.”

“Anytime, Twilight Sparkle. And I was on national TV! Remember everypony, the name’s Rainbow Dash and you can join my fan club here in Ponyville.”

“Uh, yeah. And Fluttershy, thank you for overcoming your fear of being seen by millions of ponies to join us today.”

“You’re welcome. Wait…did you say m-m-millions? You said it would only be a few dozen ponies.”

“That would be the staff here in the studio. The cameraponies, the boom mic operator, the director, etc. But this is a live show broadcast all across Equestria to millions of homes.”

“Um, that’s great. Bye everypony!”

“Fluttershy, wait… oh, never mind. We’re out of time, anyway. Tune into Dateline MLP again next week when our topic is bullying. Bullying can happen anywhere, anytime. It could be happening to your foal right now. One filly was sitting at home, minding her own business watching television when her mentor came on the screen and mocked her on live TV in front of a national audience of millions of ponies. We have the exclusive with Scootaloo, including interviews with her friends, her family, and her psychiatrist. Will she have the courage to tell her tormentor exactly how she feels?”