Ornstein and Smough crash a wedding

by Uberdeathninja

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Random, Shining Armor, Crossover, Human, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Dark, Other, Original Character
Length: 3484

Ornstein and Smough, the ultimate bros, and chucklefucks of Lordran, mysteriously appear in Equestria and pull their worst atrocity against ponykind yet. (oneshot)

Ornstein and Smough, two of the best bros in all of Lordran, appear in Equestria due to mysterious circumstances, and the ponies are none too happy about it. For years after their arrival, these two have committed every crime and atrocity in the book, and the only thing keeping them from destroying the world is their inability to focus on anything for more than a week at most. But now, in their ultimate bid for mindless destruction, the two sunbros prepare for their greatest crime against ponykind yet:

They're going to crash the royal wedding... royally!

Can Celestia put a stop to these two dangers to society before it's too late? Or will The Knight and The Executioner have their cake and eat it, too?

Published 2014-04-01 16:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-01 16:30:03 UTC

How shit really went down

A new day was breaking in the glorious Equestrian Empire, a day like no other. Like any other day, the birds were singing, the sun was glistening, its face shining off of the pristine, rolling landscape below, causing the empire to appear to glow in verdant incandescence. But on this day, a new prince would be crowned, and his wife, a lovely princess, would join him as they ascended into royalty. However, all was not right in the land. Mysterious happenings have occurred as of late, from disappearances, to Princess-to-be Cadence's sudden change in attitude. But no wrongness, no matter how outlandish it would ever seem, would ever rival the day those two crashed into Canterlot, site of the royal wedding, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.

These two creatures, claiming to be from Lordran, stood taller than any pony; one at least eight feet tall, and the other far larger, around the size of a small building, both of them wore great, golden armor of differing designs, and they both had one thing on their minds: Complete destruction of everything they deemed heretical... which, they argued, was everything. Still, the two idiots almost immediately pledged their allegiance to Princess Celestia for reasons unknown to anypony. However, they soon found their strength greater than even her own, and they have since harassed the citizenry just as often, if not more so, as they have helped them, claiming to be 'bored of sitting around and not smiting evil'.

Their names... Were Dragonslayer Ornstein and Executioner Smough. And together, they have committed every prank, joke, crime, and atrocity known to ponykind, with no one strong or willing enough to stop them. And today, they would single-handedly commit the ultimate atrocious prank, one that could just save the world as we know it from certain doom. It began on this day, during this wedding, at this very moment...

Smough and Ornstein stood completely still as the procession took place. Guests came and bore gifts, but the two still stood, still as statues, for they both bore a hideous plan, one they conceived many days before this very event, and had prepared every contingency to assure that their nefarious, pastry-related scheme would work completely. Their plan? To crash the wedding, of course. The way they would go about the plot, though, was quite simple indeed: The two planned to have a great, enormous cake "Anonymously" delivered to the party. Then, as the vows occurred, Smough would grab the cake and run for the newly-wed bride and groom, while Ornstein watched the doors for guards, as the plan would fail if they were thrown out before they could escape. Then, with massive pastry in hand, Smough would run up to the newlywed couple, dunking the wedding cake on the bride, and both would proceed to scream 'You may kiss the bride', before running like hell before security caught them and removed them. And thanks to their armor, phase one of their pernicious pastry plot was going without a hitch: To the wandering eye, the dumbasses that stood at either side of the doorway were merely decorative suits of armor, and little more. Even that sharp-looking Cadence character had assumed this, as they took their places by the door five days ago, and no one had even noticed since then. Well, except for Twilight, of course...

'Speaking of whom, where is she?' Ornstein wondered internally. He and Smough had been in that exact pose for days, so it was only logical that he must have nodded off at the same time something happened to make the pesky purple pony stop coming around... Oh well, If anything, it was an improvement that she suddenly vanished like she did. Finally, the ceremony began to take place, the bride and groom entering the room, and Ornstein and Smough prepared for the arrival of the prank cake, ready to unleash pastry-borne hell upon the two lovebirds who dared sicken them with their affection. The ceremony dragged on for the two, with no anonymously delivered cake in sight, when, at last, the final part of the wedding began: The bride, Princess Cadence, walked to the altar, and air of pride and arrogance unfitting of her about her being, and the groom, Shining Armor, seemingly entranced by something, then followed the princess, and Ornstein immediately got a familiar sick feeling in his gut: Witchcraft was afoot, and not the normal kind. But where...? Using his mental link with his buddy, Smough, he contacted the hulking giant of an executioner, and promptly voiced his worries:

"Yo, Smough, I smell parlor tricks around here. You smell it, too?" Ornstein strained his head muscles as he spoke through the mental link, but Smough fortunately received the message, and responded quickly, as though he expected the message before it came.

"Yeah, I smell it, and it smells bad. I think it's coming from the pink chick, bro." Smough replied, and a wave of confusion washed over Ornstein as he contemplated the executioner's brief message.

"Who, Pinky Pie? She's always like that." Orstein mentally retorted, and was greeted by a bemused response from Smough in return:

"Not THAT pink one, bro, I mean the bride! She's got mad black mana flowing off her like an Ozzy Osborne concert, man." Smough explained, and Ornstein, upon receiving the mental reply, slightly jumped in surprise, and wasted no time in readying his weapon: No one crashes a party on their watch, especially not a party that they've already marked to crash themselves... not even royalty. Before he could move his spear into throwing position, however, the doors suddenly burst open. Smough and Ornstein dropped their statue-esque poses and adopted stances more fitting of their shock as the slam echoed through the chamber, revealing the long-lost Twilight Sparkle, and a bedraggled-looking, but still royal-appearing alicorn mare who bore a startling resemblance to Cadence. Okay, now things were getting weird.

The two armored pranksters, like every one else in the room, suddenly looked back and forth between the two, and Twilight finally spoke out, revealing the princess at the altar as an impostor, and Smough and Ornstein almost dropped their act in shock, and even Celestia, Shining Armor, and Fake-Cadence gasped in shock. But, the faker quickly regained her composure, and then the Doppelganger by the alter began a long-ass monologue, Ignoring the fact that two statues, who had been still for five long days, had suddenly just come to life, and she didn't notice that one was starting to take aim for her with it's spear once again. As her monologue ended, Ornstein let his electrified weapon fly, and as if sensing the attack beforehand, Chrysalis Leaped back as the attack struck where she was standing and shocked the ground around it, as if she had expected the attack the whole time... though her face didn't show it. Clearly, she expected guards, not two giant, walking suits of armor. Still, as was her villainous nature, she promptly called them out, her voice shaky, but confident.

"Who are you to challenge me, petty construct?" Inquired Chrysalis angrily to the suit who had thrown his spear, and was now moving to retrieve it.

"I am Dragon Slayer Ornstein, Leader of The Four Knights Of Gwyn, Lord of Sunlight! More importantly, though, I'm the guy that's about to kick your sorry black ass back to wherever the hell you came from!" Ornstein shouted, drawing out his titles as importantly as possible, in an attempt to scare the insect queen with his rank and title alone. Unfortunately, it did not work.

"Titles and formalities will not save you, nor will your false god, 'Knight'. I don't care who you are, you will fall like the rest of these fools! Get them, my swarm!" Chrysalis said, and hundreds of changelings crashed into the room, filling it with broken glass and splinters of wood. Soon, the two were surrounded, and Ornstein looked at Smough, nodding.

"Executioner Smough, I turn thee loose. Take heed, though, the tall one is mine." Ornstein commanded, and with that, Ornstein charged Chrysalis with blinding speed. In mere seconds, he leaped and grabbed his spear, his momentum straitening it in the ground, and before the changeling queen could react properly, he turned his lunge into a swinging kick, and his boots connected with the side of Chrysalis's head, sending her flying to the left, and tumbling undignifyingly down the altar steps. Then, on the back-swing of his attack, Ornstein's spear came loose as he predicted, and he stood up once his feet were on the ground, holding his spear defensively at the insectile bitch that lay at the base of the altar.

In the background, Smough was wrecking everything, guards and changelings alike becoming colorful smears beneath his massive hammer as he indiscriminately smashed everything that stood in his warpath. Seeing this horror unfold, and seeing her plan fall apart before her eyes because of the two warriors, Chrysalis stood shakily, her head aching from the massive blow to it from Ornstein's boot, and spat out some green blood, glaring daggers at the so called "Dragon Slayer" who now stood his tallest, spear at his side, mocking her through an expressionless helmet.

"You dare to assault me, worm? I will destroy you!" Chrysalis declared, gritting her teeth at the massive knight, but Ornstein did not verbally respond. Instead, he took a few steps forward while spreading his arms wide and nodding his head in a single, universal gesture: "Come at Me, Bro". Suddenly, Chrysalis laughed, a wicked, twisted laugh, and, before the Dragonslayer's eyes, morphed into a twisted copy of Ornstein, his exact opposite in almost every way: Whereas he was clad in gold and red, she donned silver and blue. He was clearly male, her build emphasized her female qualities. He had a lion's head, She had a wolf's. He had a spear, she had a halberd. Seeing this laughing nuisance mock him so pissed Ornstein off to no end. In an attempt to assert himself over the lesser copy, he stood in a stoic pose of defiance, spear head to the ground, but not to be outdone, and to keep the obvious-but-unspoken mirror-match going, she had placed the butt of her halberd firmly on the ground, in a pose of command, to intimidate the golden knight of Gwyn. This gesture, however, failed miserably. Finally having had enough of the pest that now mocked him, Ornstein raised his spear to Chrysalis, and pointed it at her, anger in his voice as he called her out, challenging her integrity.

"You may have my form, but you do not have my strength, and certainly not my courage! If you truly think yourself my equal, then prove it, whore queen!" Ornstein commanded, swiping his spear in front of himself, as if to say "GTFO, bitch, and take your punk ass with you". Chrysalis, however, made no response, save a chuckle, and a single comeback at her own expense:

"Are you so full of yourself, that you think you're superior to EVERYONE, Knight? I have an army!"

"Yeah? Well, I have a Smough." Ornstein retorted, his tone full of confidence in his gargantuan comrade, who was still trashing all changelings stupid enough to be in his way, though they seemed limitless. This drew the attention of the Changeling queen briefly, and Ornstein seized the opportunity the brief distraction offered him, and he broke into a sprint, attempting to gore the would-be challenger where she stood. However, Chrysalis took immediate notice, and in an attempt to confuse the Knight, she sprinted back at him, mirroring his attack perfectly in every detail. When they were mere seconds from collision, The changeling swung for Ornstein's neck, but he power-slid on his knees under the attack, evading the halberd barely, and the shaft of his spear tripped her on his way. As she fell, He stood upright, and and thrust his electrically charged spear where she was, but the quick mimic rolled out of the way of the attack at the last minute, and swung her halberd to trip him likewise. The attack failed, though, as the golden knight jumped in place to dodge the attack, and he suddenly smashed the butt of his spear into her face as he landed, knocking her to the ground.

Grabbing his golden opportunity to end the cur that dare try and mock his skill, he thrust his spear into Chrysalis's gut, piercing her armor and false flesh alike, and lifted her up high into the air, before charging the ever loving fuck out of his spear, channeling all his faith in the sun lord into his divine weapon. Chrysalis immediately began convulsing with a fury unseen in any living thing as raw electricity was pumped into her body, tears flowed from her eyes and spittle from her mouth as she lost control of every muscle in her altered body, and sensing the insect's imminent demise, Ornstein swiped his spear to the side, sending her flying, and finally tumbling across the floor.

Meanwhile, Smough was on a rampage, killing changelings by the number, as usual, and still no-one was giving a shit. However, one changeling had actually found the balls to mimic him... but It met a particularly grizzly and gory end, one involving it's head and Smough's hammer. Meanwhile, Chrysalis was in an infinite amount of unbearable pain right now. She had just been skewered and fried like bacon, but was still holding on to her life by a mere thread. Clutching her gut, She rose back up, green ichor pouring from her wound, betraying her ruse as Ornstein's counterpart. This was bad for her. Her army was currently getting crushed by Smough, And Ornstein was making his way over to her slowly, and with a definite swagger to his walk. However, the queen refused to die like this, like an insect before a giant, and she mustered her remaining strength, and stood up once more, readying herself for the Dragonslayer of Gwynn.

"You haven't... won yet... Dragonslayer..." Chrysalis grunted as she stood, and she bashfully swung her halberd at Ornstein in a last-ditch effort to take his head. However, Ornstein caught it with his spear, and with one flourishing motion, he discarded her halberd, knocking it right out of her hands, and sending the illusory weapon clattering across the floor, before finally dissipating. Before he could end her, though, the Changeling Queen tackled him, sending them sprawling in a heap of armor and fists as they tumbled down the stairs, the sound of metal against metal and stone ringing over the loud 'wham's of Smough's mighty hammer. At the base of the altar, Chrysalis finally won the spar with the spear-wielding knight, and pinned him under her, trapping him in a tangle of arms and legs, but this only infuriated Ornstein ever further. Finally, after a grueling moment of flexing, Ornstein unpinned his arm from Chrysalis's grip, and sent her rolling with a mighty shove. He then picked up his spear, and charged it with all his faith, prepared for one last blow.

Ornstein, needless to say, was not a happy camper at this point, and his anger radiated off of him in near-visible waves, affecting all in the room with an unshakable sense of righteous dread. Chrysalis attempted to keep him at bay, and shot him in the hand, sending his weapon flying. Ornstein did not care, though. Instead, when he finally reached the cowering pest who dared mock his form, he socked her across the jaw, causing the sound of metal crunching to reverberate throughout the room, and slammed his fist into her gut, further damaging her armor as it buckled and crumpled beneath his assault. Then, not quite done, the enraged Dragonslayer grabbed the Queen, still in her mirror form of him, by the back of her head and rear, and threw the pest out the window in a comical fashion, sending her flying, screaming, many miles into the distance, before the ground below. Ornstien then proceeded to shout something in Japanese gibberish, and finally flipped the bitch the middle finger as she vanished into street below.

Elsewhere, in the streets of Canterlot, Smough was going ape-shit on everything in his sight, be it building or changeling or even civilian. Hey, gotta be thorough with shape-shifters, you know? Suddenly, Chrysalis slammed down in front of him, distracting the giant warrior for a second. then, in an epic sounding voice Smough began to speak.

"Let me guess, you tried to humiliate Ornstein?" The executioner asked. In response, the armored figure in front of him only nodded, passed out, and burst into green flames revealing, surprise, surprise, Chrysalis. Smough then picked the Queen back up, aimed carefully, and threw her through an open castle window, back to Ornstien, before continuing his rampage.

Ornstein waited for Smough to return his prey, tapping his foot impatiently as he stood. Then, as if on cue, Chrysalis was tossed back to him through the same window he threw her out of. However, she was in her true form now, and easy prey for the enraged Knight of Gwyn. She was on her back as Ornstein put a giant boot on her chest, and pressed down. She could sense a charging power building up as she came to, and was quickly afraid for her life, or at least, whatever amount she still possessed of it.

"You wouldn't kill a downed mare, would you?" She tried to reason, but her words fell on deaf ears, and the Dragonslayer mercilessly stabbed her once, causing Chrysalis's breath to catch as her last amounts of life bled out from her along with her blood.

"Welcome to Dark Souls." Ornstien said simply, his voice devoid of emotion. He then raised his boot as the power they both felt building up released itself, and a wall of pink took the dying bug out of his sight, hopefully forever, but made both warriors feel very, very ill as the wall rushed past them: they never did respond well to such sickening emotions as 'love', you know. Finally, after the wall had passed, Ornstein opened his hand to reveal a black shard; a single shard of humanity he stole from Chrysalis before she was evicted from his presence.

"I hope you go hollow." He muttered to her, and he crushed and absorbed the humanity in his hand, ridding himself of the battle's wounds.

Much later, after all was right and repaired, Smough and Ornstien wheeled a large cake on a service cart down the halls of the palace. Though the ceremony had long since re-started, neither of them could afford to miss the exchange of vows. Finally, after an hour or so of wheeling the gargantuan pastry, the two chucklefucks burst in just in time. Ignoring the gasps of the crowd gathered to witness the holy union, Ornstein quickly grabbed the cake, and closed the distance between him and his targets in a single bound. Then, as he landed, he slammed the cake down upon the dumbstruck bride and groom, burying them in an expensive mountain of icing and sweetened bread.

"YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE!" He finally yelled, pointing at the two losers he just caked, and he sprinted over to Smough with great speed, before anyone could react, even, and leaped onto Smough's back, pointing out the door.
"RUN, FAT BOY! RUN!" He cried as he landed, and Smough started his legs up, and fled with speed that would've made Rainbow Dash jealous. Finally, the two crashed through the castle at full speed, and they escaped the security and the angry bride by plowing though walls. Once they escaped the palace, leaving a hole in every single wall along the way, their goal would be complete. After a minute of running and avoiding capture, the two finally accomplished phase three of their deliciously despicable plot, and ran across the draw bridge, where Smough cut the trailing mob off by slamming it shut in their faces. Then, they continued their run to a preordained location to lay low for a week, leaving a great dust trail as they ran, as was the physics of this world, and everyone lived (relatively) happily ever after... except Chrysalis, who was hospitalized on life support for two months from her wounds, and bound to a wheelchair for the rest of her life after suffering several fractures in her ribcage and pelvis, and having her spine severed by the combined efforts of Ornstein's spear and the impact of falling from several thousand feet in the air.

THE END

Author's Note

Well, that was my first attempt at a one-shot. If it sucked, then good: It was only supposed to piss some specific people off, anyway. (They know who they are.)