Spike Gets Punched in the Face

by Minds Eye

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Zecora, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3194

Spike can't talk to his friends without getting punched in the face.

The world has gone mad! Every pony Spike knows seems struck with an inexplicable need to punch him in the face. And worse, they actually enjoy it. Spike must find the only one who can stop this madness before it's too late!

Published 2014-03-16 23:40:15 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-16 23:40:15 UTC

In the face! IN THE FACE!

In the face! IN THE FACE!

"'Cause Spike is so awesome! He's so awesome all the time! La di da, and I really need a rhyme!"

The little purple and green dragon continued to hum his improvised beat. The song was a work in progress, but it was coming along nicely. Spike froze in place and stopped humming. Drop the bass! He vocalized the heavy beats himself while bending his knees, bouncing up and down in place several times.

He laughed when he reached the door leading to the library basement. "Ah, this song is getting too good to keep to yourself, Spike!" He let go of the tray he carried with one clawed hand, knocked on the door three times, and immediately opened it. "Twilight! Lunch time!"

The unicorn sat hunched over her desk, surrounded by beakers, vials, and bubbling glass containers filled with liquids of varying colors. Samples of every single one were now combined into the single test tube resting on her desk. Twilight's purple eyes were fixed on the dropper suspended in midair. All she needed to add to the concoction was one...single...drop.

Plop!

Steam instantly billowed out of the tube and into her face. No, that was wrong! Twilight waved a hoof to disperse the offending gas. What did she do wrong? And why was her muzzle itchy? She turned to a nearby mirror in apprehension. Her face was adorned with a brand new black goatee.

The reflection of Spike standing behind her started laughing. "Oh, that is too awesome!" He put down the tray he carried on the desk and joined Twilight at the mirror. "Can you whip that up for me next?"

A burst of magic removed the facial hair completely. Twilight turned to the directions pinned to the wall with a sigh. "I don't get it. I only used one drop of hydrochloric acid. Did I measure the water correctly? Was there too much dilution back in step one?"

Spike shook his head and walked back to his tray. "You know I don't know. What I do know," he said as he picked up the lid covering the tray, "is that you think clearer with a full stomach. One bowl of oats, freshly toasted by yours truly, and a glass of apple juice. Lunch just like you like it!"

He bowed, expecting an incoming barrage of praise for his service as her number one assistant. There was nothing of the sort. When he looked back up, Twilight was still reading and rereading the parchment on the wall. "Uh, Twilight? Is everything OK?"

She didn't answer. Spike took a cautious step forward. Twilight got wrapped up in her studies all the time, but it was never good when she ignored food. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Twilight sighed and turned to face him. Her eyes suddenly burned with inspiration. Spike was paralyzed. Her left hoof shot out in a cross, smashing into the cheekbone under his right eye. The force of the blow caved his face in for a split second before sending him flying backwards. Spike's body flipped through the air, and he crashed upside down on the staircase.

Spike looked up with tears forming in his eyes. "T-Twilight? What...Why did you...?"

His closest friend ignored him. Twilight Sparkle looked in a daze, eyes focused on nothing, jaw hanging open. "That's it!" Her eyes shone, and a brilliant smile stretched across her face. "I left it boiling too long in step three!"

Twilight turned back to her desk and began pouring more fluids into another tube. Spike watched in disbelief, rubbing a claw against his cheek. "Twilight, why did you do that?! You hit me!"

"Of course I did! Everything is so much clearer now!" She turned and flashed him another smile. "Thank you, Spike."

Spike slowly crawled up the stairs and out of the basement. What was she talking about? She never hurt him before! Sure, she might have hit him with a spell or two accidentally, but...this was intentional! The pain wasn't so bad, baby dragon skin was still dragon skin after all, but her eyes freaked him out. Twilight didn't hold back. She didn't know how much or how little pain he could handle.

Spike didn't feel very safe in the library at the moment. The smart choice might be to bow out for awhile. Maybe he could send Applejack or Rainbow Dash or some pony else to talk to Twilight for him? That actually sounded like a really good idea! It would get him out of the library, and Twilight wouldn't do anything too crazy to her friends.

Well, to her other friends, Spike thought as he rubbed his cheek again.

The warm Ponyville afternoon welcomed him outside. Ponies bustled to and fro on their way to diners and restaurants for lunch. Spike kept his head down and weaved through the crowd on his way to the market. The morning shopping rush was over, so Applejack should be closing her stall soon. Her apples never sat around for long!

Spike cut to the right, finding a clear path forwards. He sprinted past the buildings and storefronts. The market was just up ahead. Applejack was the Element of Honesty. If she couldn't get Twilight to tell her what was going on-

BAM!!!

The door to Ponyville's spa slammed into something as Rarity pushed it open. The shock of the impact snapped her out of her doldrums. Stunned, she hurriedly pushed the door shut again to see who she hit. "Oh, Spikey-poo," she gasped, "I am so terribly sorry!"

"'S OK," the dragon answered, flat on his back. "I've had worse today."

"That is no excuse for my inattention! I...I was just so upset about my hooficure that I simply wasn't thinking. I am so deeply...oh, Spike, just look at it!" Rarity thrust her front hooves forward. "Do you see it, Spike? I stubbed my left hoof! Poor Lotus worked so hard, and clumsy me ruined it all! I couldn't bear to tell her, and now my...my..." Rarity threw herself in tears on top of Spike.

"Now my hooves are rui-in-in-ined!"

She felt Spike sit up, pushing her up, yet pulling her in at the same time. A clawed hand patted her back. "You're hooves are beautiful, Rarity. You know that I-"

"Oh, Spike, you really think so?" Rarity pulled away and smiled shyly.

Spike blushed and looked at the ground. "I...I do." He looked back into her eyes. "I really-"

Rarity lashed out and crushed him with a right hook. The dragon's head bounced from her hoof to the side of the building and fell to the ground. She leaned down and kissed his cheek. "My hooves match again! Oh thank you, Spikey-Wikey, you always know just what to say!" With that, she trotted away in glee.

Spike trembled on the ground, too stunned to even realize he was just kissed by the mare of his dreams. What was going on?! First Twilight, now Rarity?! Why was this happening to him? Spike groaned and pulled himself to his feet. Maybe...Applejack could still help him? Twilight and Rarity were both unicorns, so maybe Applejack wouldn't be crazy?

He pushed on towards the market, trying to keep his face down. He never thought to check his face before he left the library, and it wouldn't be fun for every pony to possibly see two black eyes from two mares. Spike trudged through the streets, hoping for an end to this nightmare.

"Hey Spike!" Spike instinctively looked up at the familiar voice. Sweetie Belle waved at him as she walked by, followed by Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. Oh, no.

Scootaloo broke away from the pack first. "It didn't work!"

She jumped during her sprint, cocking her leg back and slamming her hoof between his eyes. Spike dropped like a bag of bricks. He sat up just in time to get back-slapped by Sweetie Belle. Her surprising strength forced him to roll over to his stomach. Apple Bloom followed her friends, but looked back as Spike tried to push himself up. She bucked her rear hoof right into his face.

"I got another idea!"

"Me too!"

"Let's go Crusaders! You're the best, Spike!"

Spike started crying. Unicorn, pegasus, earth, every pony was punching him in the face. Less painful, but equally weird, was that they were all thanking him, like he was doing them a favor. It was almost like he was...helping them. Hoo, boy. Spike had an idea what was going on now.

"What in tarnation was that all about?!"

Applejack. He had to be careful here. Spike pushed himself up and dusted himself off. "Nothing. Just helping the girls with a problem."

A hoof grabbed his shoulder and roughly spun him around. Spike looked down quickly enough to avoid the green eyes boring into him. "Helping? They busted your face and left you layin'!"

Spike let out a sigh. "I'm OK. Dragon, remember? I've got thick skin."

"That don't excuse beatin' on you for no reason! Come with me, Spike. We're gonna chase them down and straighten this out."

"No," Spike said, trying to pull away, "it's all OK. I was just on my way to Zecora's anyway."

"Oh, I'm not letting this go! Spike, look at you!" Her hoof fit under his chin and pulled his face up. "You want them to get off scot free? I can't have my sister acting like this. What do you expect me to do about this, Spike?"

He didn't answer. A second later Applejack's other front hoof drilled him in the mouth. Spike groaned as she smiled down on his crumpled body. "That's exactly what I'll tell them! I owe you one, Spike!" With that, she took off after the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

As he thought, Applejack hit the hardest. Spike ran his tongue over his teeth to feel for any cracks. Surprisingly, there were none. He was getting sick of this. Dragon toughness was one thing, but he didn't know how much longer he could stand seeing his friends act this way. They were trying to hurt him, and they didn't care!

Just get up, Spike thought. Get to the forest. Head down, legs forward. Move it, move it, move it.

So that's what he did. Spike stumbled his way through Ponyville, keeping his eyes on the ground, mumbling apologies to any pony he bumped, sprinting away from an enraged mare whose flank he ran into. Finally-finally!-he past the last houses in town and raised his eyes to the forest ahead.

Only to meet the turquoise gaze of Fluttershy.

"DO IT!" Spike shouted as he dropped to his knees, arms spread wide. "Just do it!"

The timid pegasus jumped back with a yelp. The cargo of baby birds on her back chirped in a panic at the sudden movement. "O-Oh, my! Spike, what are you shouting about? Do what?"

"My face! Just punch it already!" Fluttershy's heart broke as tears starting flowing down the purple cheeks in front of her. "Every pony else has! Just-Just get it over with!

"Spike, I don't want to punch you in the face!"

"Yes you do! Please, Fluttershy, get it out of your system. Just...I trust you, Fluttershy. Just be gentle."

"O-OK! OK!" Fluttershy quivered as she pulled back her right front hoof. She really didn't want to do this, but if he was this desperate...

Her hoof shot out and lightly tapped his cheek. She certainly didn't feel any better, but Spike looked like he did. More tears flowed from his eyes, and he laughed in relief. Fluttershy blushed as Spike threw himself on her left hoof and covered it with kisses. "Thank you! Thank you!"

Fluttershy tried to pull free from his grasp. "That's...That's enough. You're welcome, Spike." He didn't let go. Fluttershy threw herself backwards. "I...I said you're welcome!" The chirping on her back grew louder.

Spike suddenly gasped, still holding her left hoof. "The bird!"

The bird?! Fluttershy spun around while reaching out her right hoof. There was a dull thud on the edge of her hearing, but the more important thing was the small falling shape of a baby bird. She caught it just in time, nuzzled it, and let it perch in her mane. "That was a close one, little friend. Oh, Spike, you're a life saver!" The little dragon was lying on the ground with a fresh bruise on his face. Fluttershy leaned down to hug him and walked into Ponyville.

Spike rolled over to his back as she left, hating life. He was almost there. If he could just get to the forest, no pony else would see him, and he would never have to think about this day again. At least, he hoped so. If Zecora couldn't help him he was sunk.

And did Fluttershy give him a concussion? There was a really weird whistling sound bouncing in his skull right now. That didn't happen with any of the others. Spike got back to his feet...again... and headed for the forest. The whistling grew louder. What in Equestria was it?

Spike's heart was gripped in the icy grasp of pure fear.

He looked up after Fluttershy punched him.

Some pony could have looked down.

The whistling was getting closer.

Spike took off in a dead sprint for the cover of the trees ahead. They were too far away; he wasn't going to make it! Could...Could he turn and breathe fire quickly enough?! Could he maybe teleport an entire pony to Princess Celestia?! Spike tried to turn, too late, and a weight slammed into him from behind.

He hit the ground and rolled, landing on his back with a cyan pegasus straddling his body. Rainbow Dash raised a hoof and brought it crashing down. "STUPID!" Spike groaned at the impact of her punch, but it surprisingly wasn't that bad. Then Rainbow Dash punched him again. "WONDERBOLTS!"

Oh, buck me!

"STILL-WON'T-LET-ME-IN!"

The rain of blows was blinding. "Rainbow, please-!"

"SAVED THEIR-LIVES!"

"Stop!"

"SAVED THEIR-PIES!"

"Please!"

"DID-A RAINBOOM!"

"N-No more..."

"WHAT-DOES IT-TAKE?!"

Her final shot sent Spike rolling several feet. Rainbow Dash stood up after her last punch and grinned down at the battered dragon. "Thanks. I really needed that." And she took off.

Spike raised a hand and buried his claws into the ground. Slowly, he pulled himself forward. Then he stretched out his other hand and repeated the process. The forest. He had to get to the forest. Nothing else mattered. He couldn't take any more of this. Inch by inch, Spike pulled himself under the shade of the trees.

A fallen log ahead of him gave Spike the leverage he needed to stand again. He was almost there. Spike staggered like a drunk around a patch of poison joke, head bobbing left and right, arms swinging uselessly at his side. How many times did Rainbow smash him? Ten? Easily ten. Maybe fifteen.

At long last, the grinning face of Zecora's home welcomed him. The eyes of windows glowed with a warmth that promised the end of his ordeal. Almost there. He was almost there. All he had to do was knock on the door.

His effort was hindered by a sudden shaking of the ground. Spike fell forward and spread out his hands to catch himself before his face hit the ground. A section of dirt and soil fell away right in front of his eyes, revealing a bright blue eyes set in a pink face looking up at him.

Pinkie Pie's hoof burst from the ground and caught Spike's chin. Her punch launched him through the air, followed by her own body leaping from the ground. She landed on her hind legs and pumped her hooves in the air. "BOOM, subterranean uppercut! Thanks, I don't feel so left out anymore!" She dove back into the earth, an explosion of dirt replacing the hole her entrance made.

Spike crawled on his hands and knees, refusing to give up. He was so close! Spike finally made it to the door, and raised a shaky fist. The last of his strength went into a single pound. Spike collapsed and waited. Hoofsteps grew louder on the other side. The door creaked open, followed by a gasp of shock.

Spike slowly pointed a claw up in the air. "Your...potion. Need...antidote."

A pair of hooves grabbed him and pulled him inside. Moments later, something wet and cold slapped onto his face. It smelled earthy, like a plant. Two more were attached, one covering his eyes. The dull throbbing pain gradually died down.

Zecora's hooves moved across his face, making sure whatever she just put on was staying on. "My helping brew did this to you?"

"I asked you to whip up something that could make me more helpful around Ponyville. I drank it last night and now every pony is punching me in the face. The weird part is that they're thanking me, like punching me gave them a bright idea."

Spike lay on the floor, waiting for the zebra to speak again. She took a long moment before doing so. "Do they wait to see your eyes before punching in surprise?" Spike nodded. "Oh my, oh me! An allergy!"

"A what?!" Spike tried to sit up, but Zecora pushed him back down. He heard her take off around her room. Something brushed against his arm a moment later. Spike yelped as a horrible itch engulfed that same spot. Another cold, wet thing wrapped around his arm, soothing the itch like they soothed his face.

"This flower is Mountain's Back," Zecora said. "Its petals in a brew allow you to shoulder any task. An allergy to this flower will ruin the potion's power. You will still help fill others with glee, but they react to you painfully."

"So...every pony punches me in the face, and they all get to solve their little problems? Is there an antidote?"

"Yes, but you see, the recipe is in your library."

"You mean Twilight has it," Spike sighed. She did ask Spike to fetch a book from Zecora's a few days ago. "I...don't suppose you'd be willing to go back into Ponyville to get it? I'd, uh, rather not show my face there."

"That one need may not be. I have the ingredients in mind, save one. There are two, actually, that can be done. If I could remember which of the two went into this brew-"

Spike ripped the mask off of his face and sat up, locking eyes with Zecora. The zebra's hoof nailed him and slammed the back of his head against her floor. He groaned in pain as he tried his best to replace the soothing comfort over his face.

"Ahhhh, yes! Amethyst!"

Author's Note

"Inspiration," if you can call it that, for this story came from a throwaway gag in another story I'm writing. The line is "whaling on Spike for no good reason would just be mean." I laughed maniacally after I wrote it, and wrote 3000+ words of Spike getting whaled on for no good reason in the hope that you shall do same.

I regret nothing.