Raborn Walks into a Room

by sparkypchu

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 2111

Derpycon South's Con Director does stuff with Braeburn and attempts to save Equestria.

Basically, Derpycon South is a local convention that is pretty new. I was helping it raise money by helping with a 12 hour livestream. I ended up staying up 36 hours straight while we were setting up, and whenever we were testing sound I made up a random fan fiction where I shipped the Convention Organizer with Braeburn. This is what I wrote down after that. I'm sorry to everyone, including Raborn.

To summarize. The first chapter is the simple shipping scenario with Braeburn. The second chapter is an attempted at an apology to Raborn. I wrote the second chapter as an epic quest to defeat Queen Chrysalis and Discord. None of the story should be taken seriously. My friends have told me that this type of writing falls under "Troll Fics."

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-24 10:00:01 UTC

Chapter 2: Please Don't Ban Me From The Con

Raborn walked into the room, his beard sparkling in the breeze. Princess Twilight was panicking around, swinging around books, quills, the entire cast of Jersey Shore, and Spike with her magic. Raborn walked over to Twilight, licked his thumb, and used it to put out her magic. The cast of Jersey Shore fell into the most drunk and whore-y of piles since Braeburn had that group hug. Lucky for everypony in Equestria, Spike fell on them and sent them away in a blaze of green fire. They were Canterlot's problem now.

Twilight was still freaking out, so Raborn slapped her.

"Calm the hell down," Raborn said.

"Ok...ok...thank you...I'm...I'm better. "

"Good," said Raborn and he slapped her again. "Now what in the name of Spitfire's left testicle is happening here?"

Rainbow Dash crashed through the ceiling, sending pieces of tree and library everywhere. She was slightly dazed for a moment, but looked at Raborn. He looked directly into her angry, magenta eyes.

"Watch your fucking language!" she shouted at him.

Raborn put on a serious face and emphasized every word he spoke.

"Spitfire's entire scrotum."

Rainbow Dash fainted and crashed through the floor into the basement. Raborn directed his attention back to Twilight, who was slightly shocked at the scene. She cleared her throat and begun talking.

"Well, Queen Chrysalis and Discord are back and are destroying Ponyville! The Elements of Harmony are useless against them. Princess Celestia is on her way here but you are our only other hope if anything happens to Celestia. What do you think, Raborn?"

Raborn stroked his lovely beard in thought. After a moment he spoke.

"Well if Chrysalis is at large and Celestia is coming here, we better prepare for a fake Celestia. Chrysalis is smart, so it will be pretty difficult."

As if the author could predict the future or something, there was a knock at the door. Twilight opened the door and two tall ponies walked in. One was a white alicorn with a breath-taking, flowing mane and a great, sun-covered ass. The other was a black, insect-like alicorn with holes through her limbs. She was wearing a cardboard mask with a drawing of Celestia and the phrase 'I'm Totes Celestia' written on it.

"My God," said Raborn. "It's just like I said, two Celestias. Now which one is the real one?"

"Seriously?" Twilight began. "It's obvious that it-"

Raborn had grabbed Twilight's muzzle and shushed her. He looked from the white alicorn to black one, looking at every small detail. The white alicorn looked at Raborn with a raised eyebrow. The black alicorn drew a raised eyebrow on the cardboard mask. Raborn nodded and walked up to the white alicorn. He put a hand on her shoulder.

"Princess Celestia..." He said.

The white alicorn smiled warmly. Raborn then proceeded to punch Celestia IN THE FACE.

"...Allow me to get rid of this intruder." Raborn finished.

The black alicorn tore off the cardboard mask to reveal that she was Chrysalis all along. Raborn gasped. Twilight Sparkle proceeded to put on a pair of pants and shit them. Chrysalis giggled and spoke in her echo-y voice.

"It was so easy to fool you. I didn't even need to use my magic."

Raborn's face went totally serious, even his beard went from majestic to serious.

"It's because your magic is too weak." Raborn said seriously.

"Ridiculous," Chrysalis giggled. "My magic is powerful enough to defeat Celestia herself."

"Prove it," Raborn's eyes narrowed. "Take my shape."

With a glow of green magic and an unsettling crunching noise Chrysalis became Raborn. Both Raborns' beards moved gracefully in the non-existent breeze.

"Gotcha," said our Raborn.

"Whatever do you mean?" said Raborn 2: Judgement Day.

"No horn...no magic," said our Raborn.

That caused Raborn Reloaded to gasp. He had never considered that. His beard began to move a bit more.

"Also," said our Raborn. "My beard doesn't like fakes."

"...what?" said Raborn to the Future II.

Raborn-the-second-movie-that-sucked-balls put his hands to his face. His beard quivered and begun to crawl over the entirety of his body until it was just a body-shaped hair ball. The hair fell into a pile. The pile of hair crawled up Raborn's leg and assimilated into his beard.

"I guess you could say," Raborn said, putting on sunglasses. "That was a HAIRY situation."

Bulk Biceps busted through the wall screaming: "YEEEEEEEAH!"

Raborn left the library.

There was a flushing sound as Spike left the bathroom. He was surprised by the scene infront of him. There were three holes in the library, Celestia was knocked out on the floor in a small pool of blood, and Twilight was wearing a pair of pants and shaking in internal panic. Spike picked one hell of a time to shit.

***

Raborn walked outside. All of Ponyville had gone to hell in designer handbag. It was even raining chocolate milk. Which was like the best thing since sliced dildos, but everyone thought it was bad for some reason. Raborn joined four of the Mane 6 that were also outside.

"What in the name of Zecora's swirling tramp stamp is happening out here?" asked Raborn.

Applejack turned to Raborn and stared, trying to comprehend what the FUCK he had just said. She shook her head and spoke.

"Discord is back an' we got nothin' that'll hurt him. I already tried apple pies, apple sauce, apple brown betties, apple cider, and apple cobbler. An' none of it worked!"

"Maybe we should try something a little...less apple," Rarity suggested.

Applejack gave Rarity a death stare.

"You...bitch!" yelled Applejack as she started to beat the shit out of Rarity.

Raborn ignored the two fighting mares and approached Pinkie Pie.

"Do you have a plan?" Raborn asked, his beard very chocolatey from the rain.

"Well I asked my sister what we should do," Pinkie said, literally pulling Maud Pie out of the ground. "And she said she had a plan that would rock our socks off."

Pinkie stopped talking and Raborn gestured for her to go on.

"Well, her plan was socks...full of rocks."

Raborn's hand morphed into a hoof just so he could fully facehoof. Maud shrugged and spoke.

"My only reason for existence is bad rock puns. Well, back to Hogwarts."

Maud took Twilicane from her saddlebags. She turned on the spot and disappeared with a soft pop.

Everyone just kinda ignored that because it was just that kind of day. Pinkie started to collect chocolate rain like Tay Zonday's bird bath. Raborn turned to the last mare he hadn't talked to yet, Fluttershy. His beard was becoming worried.

"Fluttershy," Raborn said. "You are literally the last hope for Equestria. If you don't have the most perfect plan, everyone will die...brutally. No pressure though."

"Oh, well that would be bad...I..may have something...ummm-Sorry...I...I...I don't know...What if it isn't...ummm...perfect...It would be all my fault...oh no...oh no..."

Fluttershy began to cry from the pressure. Raborn looked upwards and spoke to himself.

"Well fuck me with a poison joke vine. We're doomed. Aw well."

***

Raborn walked into Discord's "throne room", which was just a chair in the middle of the fucked up Ponyville. Discord was busy turning all the mares into stallions and watching them freak the fuck out.

"I didn't have these in my pants," said a pants-less, rule 63 Bon Bon who was surprised by her new appendage.

Discord laughed like an evil maniac. Raborn cleared his throat causing Discord to stop and look up. Discord grinned and addressed Raborn.

"Well. Well. Well. Look what we have here, Raborn the last hope for all of Equestria. Do you want a gender swap too? You could become a Rabornette."

"No, Discord, I'm here to stop you."

"Oh, and how do you plan to do that?"

"With my BEARD!"

Discord laughed and snapped his fingers. Suddenly Raborn's limbs were held by vines and Discord was gone as well. Raborn felt an odd sensation in his left ear as a small Discord came out of it. The mini-Discord touched Raborn's beard and it became Spaghetti.

"You were saying?" said the tiny Discord.

Discord went back into Raborn's ear and was poured back into his chair by a tea pot. He begun his evil laugh as Raborn begun to cry.

Suddenly there was a twinkle in the sky. There was a something moving really fast towards Discord. Both Raborn and Discord looked up at the fast moving speck. The speck hit a flying blue box that was being pursued by a grey mare that no one had seen before. The box was shot into the grey mare and into space. The speck kept zooming closer.

"It's Josh!" Raborn shouted, nearly pissing himself in delight.

"Who?" asked Discord looking at Raborn.

Before Raborn could answer there was an explosion. As the dust settled, there was Josh riding on the back of Princess Luna.

"YOU WILL NOT WIN DISCORD!" Princess Luna shouted, using her Royal Canterlot Caps-Lock.

Josh patted her mane to silence her as he dismounted. Josh was wearing magnificent golden armor that made Raborn's noodle beard wiggle in amazement. Discord smirked.

"I think I'll turn you into a meatball to match Pasta Beard the Pirate over here."

Josh didn't flinch. He calmly took out his sword and pointed it at Discord. Discord began laughing. Josh then shocked Discord with 1,800 Terawatts of electricity. Discord exploded into dust. Everyone was amazed. Josh got back onto Princess Luna's back and flew away.

***

Raborn was sitting on a hill watching the sunset. What? Were you expecting him to walk into somewhere? Anyway, all of Ponyville went back to normal and Josh had saved the day. Raborn stroked his angelic beard as a light brown mare wheeled a cart up to him. It was Beignet with a cart full of, you guessed it, beignets.

"Would ya like a beignet, hun?" she asked.

"You bet your sugar-coated ASS I would!" Raborn replied.

Raborn picked up the entire cart and took a bite out of it.

"Celestia's Solar Flaring Orgasms! That is the best thing I have ever eaten. They are so good they make me want to start a convention."

Raborn picked up Beignet and placed her into his beard so that only her head was sticking out. He then concentrated real hard and grew three horns and seventy five and a half wings. Raborn was truly best Princess. Raborn flew into the sunset, shooting seven rainbows out of his ass.

And that is how Derpycon South was made.

Chapter 1: Braeburn Bash

Chapter 1: Braeburn Bash

By Sparky P. Chu

Raborn walked into the room. His perfect beard shimmered in the light. It was as if God himself were growing out of Raborn’s jaw. Nopony was in the room but a light came from under the bathroom door. Raborn knocked three times on the bathroom door and shouted.

“Braeburn! Why in the name of Celestia’s glorious teats did you send me this letter?”

Raborn held up the letter, as if Braeburn could see through the fucking door. Which Braeburn totally could, ‘cause he’s fucking Braeburn and shit.

“Ah’ll be out inna minute, Raborn. You get yourself…comfortable.”

“You bet your Sweet Apple Ass I will!” Raborn shouted as he ripped his pants clear off his body.

Raborn got really bored and started to stroke his beard. The sound of the beard stroking was that of angels queefing while Queen played in the background. Every mare in a 500-mile radius was immediately impregnated with beard children. Which were basically the awesome of the universe concentrated into a living creature that had a really sweet ass.

After what was almost 5 million centuries, Braeburn came out of the bathroom. He was taking the largest shit in all of Equestria, which caused the bathroom to literally melt out of dimensions. Raborn took a big long sniff.

“Smells…” Raborn whispered seductively. “Like the ass Mona Lisa in there…Beautiful…”

Braeburn walked up to Raborn, putting a hoof to his cheek.

“Ah made tha’ shit Picasso all fer you.”

Raborn’s beard intensified. His facial scruff transcended time and space, becoming greater than all of Equestria combined. Braeburn began to lick Raborn’s interdimensional beard. Every cell of Braeburn shook with pleasure, especially his huge THROBING PENIS!

Braeburn looked into Raborn’s beautiful oceans that he called eyeballs. Raborn smiled. His mustache curing Pony AIDS around the world while also finding every lost puppy a home.

“Saddle up, cowpony,” Raborn whispered right into Braeburn’s ear.

And then they did it.

After two long hours of hot, sweaty, interspecies sex Braeburn made one final thrust and shouted:

“AAAAAAAAAAAAPPLEOOSA!”