The Reign of Princess Biceps the Bulky
Princess Celestia smiled and waved to the ecstatic crowd as she slowly walked down the road into the heart of Ponyville. The entire town had been decorated in her honor: streamers streamed, banners banned, and confetti confettied down from the sky in a neverending shower of choking hazards.
Cheering continuously, the crowd waved from either side of the road and then fell into step behind her as she passed. “Prin-cess! Prin-cess! Prin-cess!”
The only thing that could make this day better, thought Celestia, is if Luna had come with me. Claiming that she had work to do, Luna had opted to stay at the castle, but Celestia knew the real reason her sister hadn’t come. Since her return from banishment, she hadn’t been quite the same. She was making slow progress, but Celestia still felt a slight pain in her heart whenever she compared Luna’s current personality to her past one. I need something for her. I don’t know what it is, but I need to find something that will—
As Celestia reached the town square, the sheer astonishment of the awesome spectacle before her froze her in her tracks and caused her mouth to fall open.
There was no town square; there was only cake. The entire square had been covered in cake. Iced pink goodness stretched from building to building. The sheet of pink looked like a giant swimming pool of straight to your thighs.
And there were candles. So many candles. It appeared as though they had guessed at her age. She really hoped she didn’t look that old, for nearly every square inch of the cake was covered with candles. Though, all of them were unlit, fortunately.
And there was Pinkie Pie. Wearing a welding mask on her head. Standing on the other side of the cake. Waving. With her party cannon which she had reconfigured into a flamethrower.
She flipped down the mask and readied her hoof.
“Nooooooooo!” Celestia shouted, desperately flinging out her foreleg in what seemed like slow-motion.
Pinkie fired the cannon, and a huge expanse of hot red flames shot out. The fire billowed outward, lighting candles one after the other.
She watched in wide-eyed horror as the the end of Ponyville unfolded in front of her eyes. The flaming candles, being so close to the unlit ones, caused a massive chain reaction. The fire quickly spread from candle to candle as Celestia and the now-silent crowd took a few hasty steps backward.
Within seconds, the entire cake was covered in writhing fire. It burned fiercely and grew to above Celestia’s eye level before she had time to blink.
“Everypony, run! Call the fire department!” Celestia yelled.
A pony walked past Celestia, but the heat and light from the flames was too intense for her to open her eyes fully and see whom it was.
The pony strode to directly in front of the burning heat of the ever-growing flames and stopped. In seconds, the fire would reach the surrounding buildings. Ponyville would be no more.
But then, a shout was heard. It was a cry with no equal. It was . . . the Ultimate Yeah.
“YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
The earth shook, the sky trembled, and the very air quaked. The huge blast of air shot out of the stallion’s mouth and instantly extinguished the fire. The blaze went out like a, well, candle, and the awesome power of the Ultimate Yeah blew the roofs off of several houses.
He finished and knelt down on the ground, his task accomplished; bits of splintered roof fell around him like a soft rain. The crowd erupted into cheers as the smell of burnt candles permeated the air.
Celestia walked up to the stallion and smiled. “Thank you for your brave efforts, my little . . .”
The massive white stallion with disproportionate wings and legs struggled to his hooves and turned to the princess. His red eyes, ear piercing, and dumbbell cutie mark gave off an air of masculinity. “Yeah?”
Celestia blinked slowly and cleared her throat. “As I was saying, thank you for your brave efforts, my . . . burly . . . pony. Are you all right?”
“Yeah!” The stallion nodded and smiled.
“What is your name?” asked Celestia.
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry, you must not have heard me properly,” said Celestia. “What is your name?”
“Yeah,” he insisted.
“What is your name!” she said, raising her voice.
“Yeah!” he returned.
“What is your name?!” she practically screamed in his face.
“Yeah!” he shouted, blowing her crown off of her head.
Celestia tensed her throat and prepared to enact the Royal Canterlot Voice on the obviously damaged eardrums of the massive stallion, when a small voice clearing its throat prompted her to pause.
Looking over to her side, she saw a small grey pegasus mare with a blond mane, bubbles for her cutie mark, and crooked eyes sitting directly next to her. “Do you need something?!” she blared, knocking the mare off of her hooves. Wincing, Celestia cleared her throat as the mare regained her footing. “Terribly sorry about that. Do you need something?” asked Celestia kindly, retrieving her crown from where it had fallen.
“Hi!” said the mare, her eyes drifting. “I’m Ditzy!”
“Hello, Ditzy, are you all right?” Celestia asked, realigning her crown on her head.
Ditzy nodded, but then she just sat there, smiling.
“. . . Did you need something?” asked Celestia.
Ditzy said nothing.
Celestia started again, “Do—”
“Oh! Right!” she shouted, causing Celestia to jump slightly, her hooves leaving the ground. “I just wanted to know why you are ignoring poor little Bulky even though he keeps telling you his name! You’re hurting his feelings!” she insisted, crossing her eyes.
“What?” Celestia turned back to look at “Bulky.” He nodded slowly. She turned back to Ditzy and asked, “You can understand him?”
“Of course!” Ditzy smiled. “I have a PhD in Yeahology and Eeyupology, and I’m fluent in both Yeah and Eeyup. Graduated top of my class, too.”
“. . . Er. . . .”
“Big Mac—” she pointed to a tall, muscular stallion in the crowd “—Bulk, and I get together every night for some fun!” she said, smiling happily. “We play all sorts of games at my house. Sometimes we even have s—”
“Excuse me,” interrupted Celestia. “I’m sure this is very interesting, but can you please translate what he is saying for me?”
“Sure!” Ditzy trotted over to the massive stallion’s side and sat down.
“Yeah.”
“My name is Bulk Biceps,” translated Ditzy.
“Thank you for saving the town, Bulk,” said Celestia.
“Yeeeaaah!”
“No problem, Your Majesty. I was happy to help,” Ditzy translated.
“I don’t often do this, but I think the situation calls for it,” said the Princess, casting her gaze over the innocent ponies still gathered in the square, “I will grant you one request—within reason of course—as thanks for saving countless lives with your brave effort.”
“Hey,” shouted Rainbow, leaping into the air. “The Elements saved all of Equestria! What do I get?”
“Shh,” said Celestia. “You don’t pay taxes.” Rainbow sat down.
The stallion’s massive face contorted into one of deep thought, and the crowd whispered quietly. “What will he ask for? What will it be?”
“Yeeeeaaaahhhh!” shouted Bulk, silencing the crowd.
“I have made my decision,” echoed Ditzy in the silence.
“Yeah!”
“I want to be princess for a day!” she translated.
The crowd collectively gasped. Was that allowed?
Celestia paused for a moment and considered the request. Slowly nodding, she spoke, “From this point—” she glanced up at the sun, then returned her gaze to Bulk “—noon today until noon tomorrow, I declare Bulk Biceps to be fullly recognized as a prince in—”
“He said ‘princess,’” said Ditzy. “Because princes don’t do anything but stand there and be obnoxious.”
“Yeah!” said Bulk, requiring no translation.
“It’s true!” sobbed Prince Blueblood from the crowd.
“As I was saying . . .” Celestia continued, “I declare Bulk Biceps to be princess for a day, in response to his heroic deeds!” She clapped her hooves together; and the scribe who sat in the trunk of Celestia’s carriage for just such an occasion pulled herself and her typewriter out and, hooves flying over the keys, quickly created the necessary document.
The scribe trotted up to Celestia and handed her the scroll and a quill. Celestia read the scroll thoroughly then nodded once. She scratched her signature and gave the scroll back to the scribe, who then returned to her trunk.
“Three cheers for Princess Biceps!” screamed a pony from the crowd, leading the cheer. “Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray!”
“Why don’t you head back to the castle, Princess, so you can fully enjoy your princess-hood,” said Celestia, eyeing the cake, “I have matters to attend to here.”
“Yeeeeah!” shouted Princess Biceps, trotting toward the Royal Carriage.
Celestia nodded to the guards who were responsible for pulling the carriage, and after smartly saluting, they left the crowd and re-hitched themselves to the harnesses. She pointed to the guards, to her eyes, then to Bulk, and the guards nodded.
After watching Ditzy struggle to fit him into the barely big enough seating area and jump in as well, she turned back to the crowd. “Now to enjoy my 11,351 birthday party!” shouted Celestia. “Who’s with me?”
The crowd broke out into cheers and rushed forward, eagerly drooling as they anticipated the flavor of the enormous cake.
As she stepped forward to cut the first piece of the cake, she willed away a slight twinge of discomfort in her gut. Luna’s there to make sure Bulk can’t do anything too stupid, she reasoned. She’ll watch him like a hawk, just like the last time somepony wanted to be princess for a day. What could go wrong?
The cake was gone.
The pinatas were smacked.
The games were played.
The dances were danced.
Every single guest was sprawled out on the ground in the town square.
Everypony but Celestia, that is. She had learned her lesson on her fiftieth birthday—and every fifty years after that, as well. It took about fifty years for her to forget the horrible, gut-wrenching pain that came with eating too much cake—which was exactly what each and every one of these ponies was feeling. Excluding Pinkie Pie, however—she had eaten more cake than anypony else, yet was still jumping around and dancing to whatever tune was running through her head. Well, maybe she was drunk, actually; she appeared to be dancing with a cheese sandwich and kissing it periodically.
The sound of the carriage returning prompted Celestia to look up. As it landed nearby, she rose to her hooves and walked over to the already open door. “Thank you for the wonderful party, everypony!” she called over her shoulder.
The sound of half-hearted moans and groans reached her ears.
She shrugged and climbed into the carriage, and as soon as she sat down, the guards began flapping.
The ride was relaxing, and Celestia took the time to appreciate the landscape below. The moon bathed the world in a smooth silver, and the stars were a perfect backdrop. I must remember to compliment Luna for another wonderful night.
Sadly, her peace did not last long; it never did. When they reached Canterlot, Celestia noticed something, or more accurately, didn’t notice something. “Guards?” asked Celestia, sitting up straight. “What happened to all of my ponies? The streets are completely bare! Is there something that I need to know?”
“Nothing too bad, but . . . you had better see for yourself, Celestia,” stated the guard.
“. . . What did you just call me?” she asked quietly, the steel in her voice betraying her calm composure. “Did I hear that right?”
“I’m sorry, Celestia, there was nothing we could do,” he said over his shoulder as the guards quickly descended through the air.
“But—you—” she sputtered indignantly, jumping out of the carriage. She strutted over and towered above them, staring into each of their eyes in turn. “Have some respect for your princess!”
“I’m sorry, Celestia.” The guards nodded and flew off, leaving Celestia motionless behind them.
“I’ll be having a word with your superior!” she shouted. Shaking her head, she walked into the palace. Ponies just don’t have the same amount of respect that they that they used to. She nodded to each of the guards posted around the door as she trotted past. Surprisingly, they didn’t nod back; they merely gave solemn glances.
Even more surprising was a platoon of Royal Guards stationed immediately inside the entrance of the castle. They didn’t seem to notice her, so she didn’t draw attention to herself. They were all circled around something and making quiet remarks every once in a while. “I can’t believe what’s happening, you know?” echoed the voice of the guard.
“Yeah, I feel especially bad for Princ—” The sound of a hoof roughly hitting armor came from the group. “I mean C-Celestia and Luna,” he finished.
A feeling of unease swept through her, and her purposeful strides dissolved into quiet tiptoeing. Folding her ears against her head, she hid around an archway and listened closer, barely peeking one eye around the corner.
“I mean, really, the things that he has Luna doing . . . if what we can hear is anything to go by—”
“Shhhh!”
“Here they come!”
“Quick, attention!”
She watched their armor-clad bodies moving hastily as the sound of hooves echoed from the nearby hall.
“Yeeeeaahh!” shouted Bulk, trotting into view. He was dressed in a light blue dress, fluffy purple anklets, a ring of flowers around his tail, and a crown on flowers on his head. The dress wrapped all the way around his body and was embroidered with pink thread, and his “crown” consisted of a flower tucked behind each ear. Three flowers poked straight up from his mane, causing him to look something like what crazy conspiracists called “aliens.”
Acting quickly, Celestia cast a silence spell on herself; she laughed to her heart’s content with nary a sound.
“Has Celestia arrived yet?” asked the grey mare, also walking into the room. Oh, what was her name? thought Celestia, still giggling; she tapped her chin with her hoof.
“No, Princess!” shouted a guard, saluting.
“Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhh!” he blared.
“That is unfortunate. Escort her up to my chambers when she does arrive. Luna, Ditzy, and I will be waiting,” translated—Ditzy—That’s her name!
“Yes, Princess, I will personally make sure that she doesn’t suspect anything or, uh—” he swallowed “—escape,” stated the guard.
“Yeah.”
“Good, good. See that you do. I will be waiting,” translated Ditzy.
Her vision growing dark, Celestia restored her lungs to their normal size and took a deep breath. As her vision cleared, she frowned. What is going on? This required immediate action, and she knew where she would get her answers.
Knowing that the unicorn guards were trained to detect the teleportation of pony-sized objects, Celestia opted for a stealthier approach.
Summoning her ninja outfit, she covered every square inch of her coat in a skintight, shiny, midnight-blue latex suit. Her mane, tail, and horn stuck out of her outfit, so she cast a spell to turn her mane and tail a luscious red. With her wings pressed against her body, she looked like a normal unicorn—that was almost twice as tall as any other pony in the room and covered in a shiny blue suit.
Her disguise was perfect.
She walked around the corner and into the view of the guards; they were all lined up in a row, facing her. She elongated her graceful stride and swayed her hips as she moved. Locking her eyes on the center stallion, she closed her eyelids to a sultry, half-lidded gaze and gently bit her bottom lip. She slinked up to the line of stallions and purred, “Hello, boys.”
They appeared to be attempting to say something without breathing.
Making a ninety degree turn, she angled herself towards the hallway that Bulk had disappeared into. Swaying her hips even more, she looked over her shoulder to see each of the stallions blatantly staring at her behind. They were drooling, excessively.
Once she was out of sight, she giggled. Stallions were always the same, no matter what era it was. They never looked at the face of a mare for long, and they had already forgotten everything about her—well, except for the certain parts that they would never forget. She teleported her ninja suit to the dark corner of her secret room and headed for the royal suite.
She navigated the maze that was the inside of the castle with unfailing accuracy: the architect of a building tended to not forget the layout. Closing in on the door of the suite, she heard something. “Make it stop,” wailed a pitiful voice. “I can’t take it anymore!”
“Luna . . .” whispered Celestia. “I’m coming, sister!” She charged down the final stretch and spun 180 degrees around, using her front hooves as a pivot point. She kicked the twin doors wide open with a well-aimed buck; quickly landing, she faced forward and sprinted through the doorway. “I’m here, Luna!”
Luna was sitting on the floor with a red substance laced all from her hooves to her body; the shiny red liquid became less and less covering as it got closer to her body, and eventually dissolving into paltry splatters. In front of Luna was Bulk, still clad in his ridiculous outfit. He had a huge paintbrush clenched in his teeth and was dipping it in what looked like red paint. Very delicately, he dragged it over her hooves, adding to the terrible mess. “My . . . my room!” breathed Celestia, dragging her gaze away from her sister. It looked like an entire demolition crew had swept through the room while armed to the teeth with makeup.
Luna slowly looked over to Celestia; her crown was askew, her entire lower half of her face was covered in lipstick, and her eyes were pleading for sweet release.
“Wha . . . What is going on here?” shouted Celestia, causing Bulk to jump and slap his paintbrush across Luna’s face.
“Yeah!” shouted Bulk, dropping the paintbrush onto the floor.
Celestia waited, but no translation was presented.
“. . . Yeah? Yeahhhh!” called Bulk, looking around wildly.
“I can explain, sister.” Luna blinked carefully and wiped her eyes clean. “We were fired.”
“Wwaa?” mumbled Celestia, staring at Luna.
“Princess Biceps fired us.”
“But . . . that’s ridiculous. You can’t do that,” said Celestia.
“Yeah!”
“Sister, remind me to execute the court lawyer. He deemed it legal after Ditzy spoke with him for nearly two hours. His final ruling was that since there isn’t a law against it—” Luna’s voice cracked “—nopony will even listen to me anymore.”
“But, we’re princesses! We can’t be fired!”
“Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhh yeah yeah. Yeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhh!” shouted Bulk. “Yeah! Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh Yyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh yeah yeah. Yeah!”
Ditzy poked her head into the room and smiled. “Hello!” Holding a muffin in her hooves, she took to the air and fluttered over their heads. Landing on the bed, she laid down on her stomach and took a bit of the muffin. “He said he just did,” she mumbled, spewing muffin crumbs out of her mouth.
“Is that all?” asked Celestia.
“Yup.” She took another bite, humming happily.
“Nothing else?” asked Celestia.
“Nope.”
“And even worse,” Luna said mournfully, “he declared remainder of his twenty-four hour reign to be ‘National Slumber Party Day.’” She sighed. “And, as our princess, he has commanded we join his party.”
“You can’t be serious,” Celestia muttered.
“I am completely serious.”
“. . . Enough of this! I want both of you out of my room, and I want this place polished to a shine! Guards! Guards!” A few seconds later, a pair of guards burst through the already opened door.
“Yes, what is it, Celestia?” They scanned the room, spears held at the ready.
“I am your princess!” she retorted, eyes flashing and wings flaring. “Uggh . . . just . . .” She sat down and massaged her forehead with her hoof. “From this point onward, my sister and I are reclaiming our rightful places as your princesses.”
“I’m sorry, Celestia, but we can’t let you do that.” The guards trained their spears on Celestia. “According to your word, Princess Biceps is royalty, and he retired you from your position for the day. You have no authority until tomorrow at noon. “Goodnight, ladies, Princess.” The guards bowed to Bulk. Spinning sharply, they walked out of the room.
“Do you think I didn’t try that already?” asked Luna, rolling her eyes and wiping the excess paint from her muzzle.
“Yeah!”
“Bye!” mumbled Ditzy after the guards, spraying more crumbs on the floor.
“Can you please stop doing that?” asked Celestia, eyeing each of the crumbs with a stare that could almost burn a stack of bureaucratic documents—not that she tried.
“Doing what?” she sprayed.
“Please, just s—”
“Just what?” Ditzy asked.
“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” screamed Bulk, his eyes popping out of his head slightly.
Ditzy swallowed. “Quiet, please,” she translated.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah!”
“We are supposed to be having some fun right now!” translated Ditzy. “Is that too much to ask?”
“You robbed me of my title, and I want it back,” Celestia growled, flattening her ears against her head.
“Yeah!”
Ditzy frowned for a second and tapped her hoof against her head, then began translating. “Look, you can have it back after we have a slumber party. I really just want to have some fun with you guys, you know? Playing some games, telling some stories, and just generally hanging around.”
While Ditzy paused for breath, Bulk gave Celestia the saddest face he could muster. It was terrible; veins popped, eyes bulged, muscles strained, and his smile would give an elderly mare a concussion.
“So can you please just give this a chance?” Ditzy jumped off the bed and glided towards Celestia. Landing, she waved her forelegs in the universal “come closer” motion.
Frowning, Celestia leaned down. “What.”
Ditzy cupped her hooves around her mouth and loudly whispered, “I know this is a lot to ask, but can you please, please, please give it a shot? He gets picked on for not speaking Equestrian. He doesn't even have any friends besides me and Big Mac! It’s just for one day. Pwweeeasse?” She flattened her ears, widened her eyes, and quivered her bottom lip; she was much better at being cute than Bulk.
Celestia shifted her gaze between the diabetes-inducing mare and the seizure-ridden stallion; his face was twitching uncontrollably as he tried to hold his “cute” face. “Couldn’t you have just asked me for this? You could have used your request on this,” she sighed, shaking her head.
“He’s not the sharpest brick in the pillow factory,” Ditzy said, nodding sagely.
“. . . What?” asked Luna.
“He’s not the brightest crayon in the oven,” Ditzy whispered, still too quiet for her voice to carry over to the still-spasming Bulk.
“. . . What?” echoed Celestia.
“You know, he’s not the tastiest lumber in the salad of life,” she elaborated.
Celestia looked at Luna; Luna looked at Celestia. They both shrugged.
“What do you say? Please?” she asked, tears welling in her eyes
“Yeah?” echoed Bulk.
“Just this one night?” Celestia asked, prompting Luna to shake her head vigorously.
Both Ditzy and Bulk nodded.
Celestia looked at her subjects’ earnest faces, and detected no malice behind either the crooked golden eyes or the bloodshot red ones. “Can you give me a second to talk it over with Luna?” asked Celestia.
“Yeah!” Bulk said.
Ditzy nodded and led the stallion to the other side of the room.
“You can’t be serious, sister!” Luna whispered. “He has been giving me this ‘makeover’ for hours now, and I can’t take any more!” She shoved her painted legs in Celestia’s face and continued, “It’s going to take weeks to get this stuff out of my coat!”
Celestia giggled slightly. “Look, sister, they meant no harm. If they had actually meant any harm, they would have done something by now. Has he done anything besides declare Slumber Party Day?”
“No, but—”
“No ‘buts’ about it, sister. I will agree that it was a perfectly executed, poorly thought out plan, but it’s not like we are in any position to do anything. Our own Royal Guards won’t even listen to us!”
“But—”
“Let’s just ride this out, sister. You heard Ditzy: who are we to deny the magic of friendship to even one of our little, well, burly ponies.”
“But—”
“And besides, you know how you felt when you first came back from the moon? How alone you were? How most ponies wouldn’t even talk to you because of the Royal Canterlot Voice? I bet he feels the same way.”
Luna lowered her head, mulling over Celestia’s words. “Fine,” she muttered, “but I’m getting a bath first.”
Celestia smiled. “We have our decision.” Ditzy and Bulk looked up from their conversation. “The slumber party will proceed as scheduled, after my sister has a trip to the baths.”
“Yeeeeeaaaaaah!” cheered Bulk, shaking the room as he bounced in place.
“Yay!” Ditzy translated, “Can we all go to the royal spa?”
“I don’t see why not,” said Celestia. “Guards! Prepare the royal spa!”
“Yeah!” agreed Bulk.
The guards shouted, “Yes, Princess!—” Celestia mentally rejoiced over the small victory “—Yes, Celestia!”
So close. . . .
“Ahhhhhhh . . .” sighed Celestia, slowly easing herself into the warm water.
“Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhh,” sighed Bulk, nodding his head in agreement.
The dark room was silent, except for the sound of Luna furiously scrubbing her hooves under the water. “Why did you have to paint my legs red?” she said. “It’s not coming off!”
Bulk grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah . . .”
“He says he’s sorry about that. He got a bit carried away with the makeup,” Ditzy translated, speaking carefully. She was too short to sit in the pool normally and have her mouth above the water because the pool was designed with the Royal Sisters in mind. Instead, all that could be seen of her was her ears, her eyes, and a little bit of her muzzle that she had to keep angled toward the ceiling.
Sometimes Celestia forgot how downright adorable her subjects could be. I really have to get out more.
“I guess it’s all right,” grumbled Luna, giving up and leaning against the backrest. “I still don’t understand why you couldn’t have just asked for this, instead of crowning yourself sole ruler of Equestria.”
“Yeah. . . .”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” translated Ditzy, lifting her head above the water for a second.
“Well, it wasn’t. It as a terrible idea.” Luna crossed her forelegs in front of chest and blew a straw lock of her mane out of her eyes. “You should be ashamed of yourself. And thrown in the dungeon.”
“Yeah . . . yeah!”
“I said I was sorry; what more do you want me to say?” she translated.
“All right, all right; everypony, just relax,” soothed Celestia. “The past is the past. We agreed we were going to see this to the end, Luna.”
“True . . .” groaned Luna, shifting in place.
The room dissolved into silence once more as a slightly awkward cloud fell over the group. Each pony sat there in the gently flowing water, occasionally thinking of something to say, but never quite managing to say it.
Ditzy broke the silence. “ I mean, this is really nice and all, but my neck is starting to get a bit sore.”
“Yeah.” Bulk nodded.
“What would you like to do next, Bulk?” asked Celestia.
“Yeah?”
“That—” Ditzy attempted to nod, but only managed to submerge her face underwater. Bulk quickly reached over and plucked her out of the water by the nape of her neck. She emerged, sputtering, looking similar to a wet kitten in the maw of a lion. “Oops,” she giggled, grinning sheepishly, as Bulk set her back in the tub—this time on her hooves. She sneezed and fell over, disappearing into the water again. She surfaced, coughing, “Ew, tastes like butt.”
Luna frowned. Then, ever so slowly, the corners of her mouth curved up. Her eyebrows narrowed in concentration, but still, her mouth disobeyed her. Her eyebrows desperately struggled to be free of their position, and her eyes twitched, longing to crinkle in merriment. Her frown became a smile, hastily covered by a hoof. But not before the rest of the group saw it.
Celestia smiled mischievously as Luna’s face fought with her. Sticking her tongue out, she blew a raspberry. “Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt!”
Her second hoof flew out of the water to cover her widening smile.
Catching on, Bulk scooped some water in his mouth, and taking a deep breath, he held his hoof over his nose and forcefully expelled the air from his lungs, causing small jets of water to stream out of his nose.
Luna completely lost it.
She giggled, she laughed, she guffawed, and she howled. She kicked her legs, she squirmed, she pounded her hoof on the surface of the water, and tears poured from her eyes.
Then, she fell in the water, causing huge bubbles to emerge from the deep.
Appearing a second later, she took a huge gasp and began her laughter anew, the rest of the group joining in.
A dusty tune played in the background: it brought to mind tales of quick-slinging pie throwers from a fading era.
Princess Bulk, Ditzy, Luna, and Celestia sat around a four-sided table and eyed each of their opponents, their manes and tails tightly bound in towels with pictures of small furry animals on them.
Cocking an eyebrow, Luna smiled coolly at Bulk, her eyes locked on his. Large beads of sweat were rolling down his face. Neither of them had blinked for several minutes. “Bulk . . .” Her hoof twitched.
Bulk trembled, but didn’t break eye-contact.
“. . . do you . . .”
He started hyperventilating.
Luna leaned forward, grinning maniacally. She had him now. “. . . have any . . .”
Starting to shake from lack of oxygen, Bulk didn’t look like he could take much more.
“Two’s?”
“Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!” sobbed Bulk, throwing his cards at Luna. He fell off his chair and collapsed to his knees.
Humming happily, she collected her piles of cards and placed them in front of her. “I win again!”
“Good game, everypony.” Blinking the moisture from her eyes, Celestia smiled; it was good to see Luna laughing again. This was the first time since before her banishment that she had seen her sister laughing. Luna would never be the same again, but she would heal.
“Yeah!” cheered Ditzy. “I had lots of fun!” She added her meager pile of cards to the deck; she had lost by a landslide—again.
Luna offered her hoof to Bulk, who had by since regained his seat. Bulk slowly accepted the hoof-bump. “You were a worthy opponent, Bulk, but I am the queen of Go Fish. None can—”
An earth-shaking growl rumbled throughout the room.
The mares fixed their eyes on Bulk’s stomach.
“Yeah. . . .” He grinned sheepishly.
Ditzy opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Celestia. “I don’t think I need a translation.”
“Me neither,” Luna giggled. “But perhaps he does have a good suggestion. I wouldn’t mind a snack, either.”
Celestia nodded. “That sounds like an excellent suggestion. Follow me to the kitchen, everypony!” She leaped off her chair, the others close behind, and Luna bringing up the rear. Her and her sister’s horns shining brightly, she led them through dim hallways and dark stairwells; the castle staff was usually sparse at this time of the night—though tonight, the castle was devoid of all staff: excluding essential members of the Royal Guard, the staff was partaking in the mandatory slumber party.
As they finally reached the door, Bulk quickly sprinted forward and pushed the door open for the mares. Celestia nodded in thanks and continued into the dark room. Her horn flared even brighter for a split second, forcing life into magical lanterns scattered around the room. “Now, the question is, what do we want?”
“Popcorn!” shouted Ditzy, pumping a hoof in the air.
“Yeah!”
“Popcorn!” translated Ditzy.
Bulk frowned at her.
“What? Nopony wants protein shakes.”
Lowing his head, Bulk sighed. “Yeah. . . .”
“He wants popcorn, too.” Ditzy smiled.
“I agree. Popcorn sounds delicious,” Luna said.
“Popcorn it is.” Celestia looked around the room, her smile falling.
“What is it, sister?” Luna trotted up beside her sister, but Celestia wouldn’t meet her gaze.
“I just realized . . . I have no idea how to make popcorn,” muttered Celestia.
“I just buy it from the store, so I can’t help much. Though, I think you cook it in oil.” Ditzy fluttered over their heads and began rifling through the pantry after activating the heat crystal under the cauldron. “It can’t be that hard, right?”
“Yeah!”
“We’re all intelligent ponies here. I’m sure we can figure it out,” Ditzy translated, sticking her head out of the cupboard. Reaching back in, she grunted, “A lih-hle hel here?”
“Yeah!” Bulk yelled, quickly trotted over. He gently pushed Ditzy out of the way and shoved his head inside. His muscles bulged as he grunted. Seconds later, he reemerged, a four hundred pound bag of popcorn kernels clenched is his teeth.
Celestia shrugged and trotted forward. What else do we need? Butter . . . salt . . . cake . . . She began collecting items. “Sister? Do you think that . . .” She looked over her shoulder to see that Luna was exactly where she had left her. Luna appeared deep in thought, staring at where Bulk and Ditzy were arguing over how many kernels to use. “Sister?”
“Hm?” Luna dragged her attention away from the pair.
“Are you feeling all right? You were looking a bit distracted.”
“No . . . I’m fine. I was just thinking of what to use.”
“I see. What did you think of?”
“I, er, think—I’m going to look for a recip—”
“Oh, no, Bulk! Did you put the whole bag of kernels in!?” Ditzy yelled, backing away from the cauldron.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah!” Bulk nodded, smiling widely and rubbing his stomach.
“Ohhhhhh . . . this is not good,” whispered Ditzy.
A deep rumbling came from the huge cauldron. And with a single, quiet pop, the apocalypse came early.
Panting heavily, the group closed the door of Luna’s room and collapsed on the floor. Entangled popcorn dangled from their manes, tails, and coats, and they each had a small bowl grasped in their hooves.
“I think we’re going to get breakfast a bit late tomorrow,” Celestia muttered darkly, tossing a piece into her mouth and smiling.
“Really?” said Luna, attempting to keep a straight face. “I can’t imagine why.”
“I think it’s because we ruined the kitchen,” said Ditzy.
“Yeah,” mumbled Bulk.
“Sorry,” translated Ditzy.
“It’s quite all right, Bulk. I’m sure the kitchen was getting outdated anyways,” said Celestia.
A comfortable silence fell over the room as the ponies ate their popcorn.
“I know what we need,” Ditzy said.
“Yeah?” grunted Bulk.
“A bedtime story.”
“I think that’s an excellent idea,” Celestia murmured, nodding. “Who wants to tell the story?”
“Yeah!” Bulk pointed his hoof directly at Luna.
“Me? I haven’t told a story in so long. I’m not even sure I remember how.”
“Come one! It’s easy!” Ditzy said, smiling. “You just gotta put the sounds together and forget that we will be silently judging each word that comes out of your mouth!”
Both Celestia and Bulk facehooved.
“Right . . . well, I guess I could try a story. Ummmm.” She tapped her hoof against the side of her head slowly. “There was a lonely . . . No that’s not it. A stallion—no. That’s not it either. There once was a pretty mare who . . . Gah. . . . I guess I don’t remember how to tell a story.” She sighed.
“Yeah!” yelled Bulk, gently patting her back.
“Don’t worry about it,” translated Ditzy.
Luna smiled softly. “I guess I’m not as great as I used to be. I remember a time long ago when foals would beg their parents to take them to the castle gardens. Every friday, as the moon rose behind me, I would tell a bedtime story—I would weave a tale with no equal. Heroes and villains. Knights and princesses. I painted the night sky with my magic, and they filled my heart with joy.” Her simile turned bittersweet as memories filled her head. “I still wonder what happened to the foals sometimes.”
Celestia slid closer and wrapped her wing around Luna’s shoulders.
“Yeah yeah yeah!”
“Oh! That’s a great idea, Bulky! Why don’t you start again?” Ditzy asked.
“I couldn’t possibly—”
“Why not?” asked Celestia.
Luna stared at the floor in between her hooves. “I don’t think I can any more.”
“Nonsense. You’re just out of practice,” Celestia said.
“Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”
“As your princess, I order you to start again, for you happiness and the foals. They’re foals; they’re not going to boo you off the stage. They’ll be happy to be getting a free story,” translated Ditzy. “And besides,” she continued, “I know you’ll have one customer. My little Dinky would love to hear you.”
“You think I should?” asked Luna, meeting each pony’s eyes in turn; they each nodded.
A quiet explosion rumbled through the castle.
Glancing toward the door, Celestia murmured, “I might have to raise taxes a bit to cover our new kitchen.”
“Or maybe we could pay for it, sister.”
The sisters collapsed into each other and hugged the other for stability while deep laughs tore out of their mouths.
“As if we would actually pay for anything—” howled Celestia. “You—”
Turning more blue than usual, Luna began choking on her laughter.
“Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaah!” yelled Bulk.
“I don’t get it either,” muttered Ditzy.
“Yeah.”
Her giggling slowing, Luna’s final laugh turned into a yawn. “I think it’s time for bed.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah?” chuckled Bulk.
“But don’t you sleep during the day?” translated Ditzy, looking at her curiously.
“I stayed up all day yesterday so I could spend more time with my sister before she left for Ponyville and . . .” Luna trailed off, her words turning turning into another yawn. She crawled into her massive bed and fell facedown on her pillow.
“I think sleep is a . . . great idea,” muttered Ditzy. As Celestia watched yet another yawn, this time from Ditzy, her eyelids began feeling heavier and heavier.
Bulk fell over with a thud, asleep before he hit the ground. He lay sprawled on the plush carpet, legs sticking up into the air.
Ditzy curled up on her side like a cat. She wrapped her tail over her muzzle and let out a soft coo.
Celestia smiled. That wasn’t how I had planned my evening, but it was worth it. Her horn glowing merrily, she summoned a pillow and three blankets from her bed and placed the first two over Ditzy and Bulk. The pillow and the last blanket she reserved for herself. Laying down and turning off the lights, she closed her eyes and drifted off into obliv—
“Sister?” Luna’s timid voice was muffled by the pillow. “Are you awake?”
“Yes . . .”
“Are . . . Nevermind. . . .”
“Yes?”
“Well, are the others asleep?”
Barely cracking an eye, Celestia checked on the state of Ditzy and Bulk. “Yes.”
“Do . . . do you think I’m a good pony?”
Opening her eyes wide, Celestia was fully awake. “What makes you ask that?”
“I just . . . want to know,” Luna asked.
“Of course you are. You are a very good pony.”
“Are you lying?”
“Luna, you are my sister, and I love you. No matter how much it hurts, I will always tell you the truth.”
“Then, why don’t ponies like me?” Luna asked.
“What do you mean?” said Celestia.
“The servants—they avoid me whenever they can. If I’m in a room, they wait until I leave or go around. When I walk down hallways, they cross on the other side, as far from me as they can. Our subjects, too. Whenever I leave the castle, ponies just don’t seem to like being around me.”
“It will take some time, sister. You only just lost the Royal Accent, after all.”
“But . . . why are these two ponies so nice to me? It felt so . . . right to just relax and play around with them. It felt like they liked me.”
“I can tell that each of you is a good pony at heart, just perhaps misunderstood. Bulk is viewed, according to Ditzy, as a barely sapient hulk. You want to be judged not on your one mistake, but on who you are as a whole. And I can tell you for sure that Ditzy is teased for her crossed eyes. Because of how you don’t want others to judge you as a whole based on one part, you have very open minds. That open-mindedness lead to the best few hours I’ve had in a long time.”
“Do you think we could do this again?”
“I don’t see why not.” Celestia smiled into the darkness. “But you’d have to ask them.”
“Thank you, sister. Sweet dreams.”
“Goodnight, sister.”
Celestia and Luna had long since learned the trick of moving the celestial bodies while sleeping. Unfortunately, that meant that the sun was now shining directly into the small room. Celestia moaned, massaging her eyes with her hoof. She rolled off her pillow and smacked her muzzle on the ground. She opened her eyes quickly and sat up, yelping in surprise.
“Huhwhawhaza?!” Luna fell of the edge of the bed and hit the floor with a thud. “Owwwww. . . .”
“Morning, sister,” Celestia groaned.
“Good morn—where are they?”
“Where are who?” Celestia looked towards the bottom of the bed to see that both of the pegasi were gone.
Luna quickly ran out onto her balcony and jumped off the edge. Celestia groaned, scrambling to her hooves and quickly following.
They glided down into the courtyard and found Ditzy and Bulk going through a few stretches.
“Are you leaving already?” called Luna, her hooves not even touching the ground yet.
Ditzy and Bulk nodded.
“But it’s not even noon yet!” Luna said, landing in front of them. Celestia landed next to her a second later.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah! Yeah? Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Yeah.”
“I’m sure you want me to get out of your way now, so I’ll make this quick. I just wanted to thank you for the amazing night. I think you are both great ponies, and I’m really sorry for the trouble I caused. I hope you aren’t too mad at me? We’d like to see you again sometime. If you’ll have us,” translated Ditzy.
“You . . . think I’m great?” asked Luna.
“Yeah! Yeeaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.”
“Oh, my. You really want me to say that?”
“Yeah.” Bulk’s expression was set in stone.
“Okay, then,” she mumbled. “Of course! You’re cute, funny, and caring, but you keep it inside. I think you should try to let ‘you’ out more. I think other ponies would like to see you, if you’ll let them. I know I would like to see more of you,” translated Ditzy. “Come on, let’s go back to Ponyville—oops. That last part’s for me.” She grinned sheepishly.
The blood rushed into Luna’s cheeks until it colored them a pink that only Celestia could notice.
“We could work something out if Luna would be okay with it,” said Celestia, feeling as though a great weight had been lifted from her; she had been carrying it for so long that she forgot what it was like to be free of it. With a smile on her face, she watched her sister finally start to break out of her hard shell.
“I . . . I think I would like that,” said Luna shyly.
Waving over their shoulders, Bulk and Ditzy took to the skies and began the long flight back to Ponyville.
Immediately after they disappeared behind a cloud, Celestia summoned a scroll and feather. A few seconds later, both Luna and Celestia signed the document and heaved a sigh of relief. On the law were a few simple words: “Neither Princess Celestia nor Princess Luna may be fired.”
Seconds later, a court lawyer was without a job.
Author's Note
This one was fun. Hope it turned out all right.
