A Rock and a Hard Place

by JapaneseTeeth

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Fluttershy, Maud Pie, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4119

Maud Pie has decided that she wants to know what it's like to be a rock. She may or may not get what she bargained for.

Maud Pie has studied rocks. She has written poetry about rocks. She has played games with rocks. She has spent great amounts of time among rocks. But she has never been a rock, and now she intends to change that.

But will petrification be all it's cracked up to be?

Published 2014-04-07 20:50:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-07 20:50:04 UTC

A Rock and a Hard Place

“I want to be a rock,” Maud said.

It wasn’t often that Fluttershy got visitors other than her friends and local wildlife. Occasionally somepony who was too cheap to go to the veterinarian might come around, as would the veterinarian himself when faced with a particularly uncommon pet. Maud did not fit either of those categories.

“That’s… nice,” she said, unsure of what else she could say. She had enough trouble talking to regular ponies, let alone Maud. That her greeting had been replaced by a complete non sequitur, albeit one that made perfect sense given the speaker, made conversation nigh on impossible. “Um… is there something you wanted help with?” She hoped fervently that Boulder didn’t need a check-up.

“I want you to help make me a rock,” Maud said, her monotone failing to betray any hint that this might be some sort of joke. “To really understand rocks, you need to be a rock.”

“I see,” she mumbled. She wasn’t one for snark, but the thought, “You already are a rock” still crossed her mind. When talking to Maud, one’s own voice tended to sound more animated than usual. She held her tongue anyway That joke was more like something that Rainbow Dash would say. Maud likely wouldn’t be amused by the joke. Or she would be, but wouldn’t show it. With Maud, it was hard to tell. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can help you. I don’t have any way to turn ponies into rock.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well, we did turn Discord into stone for a bit, but that was really more the Elements of Harmony than anything I did.” Fluttershy bit her lip as she thought. “And you’re far too… nice, for that to work on you.”

“Really,” Maud said. Fluttershy couldn’t tell whether it was a question or a statement.

“Yes,” Fluttershy said. Then a thought crossed her mind. “Twilight knows a lot more about the Elements than I do! Maybe you could go ask her about it!”

“No, I don’t think so,” Maud answered, nearly immediately. “You can help me.”

“I… can?” Fluttershy swallowed. She wanted to step back; Maud’s mere presence certainly felt as heavy as a stone. “I don’t really have any way I can help you.”

“You know a cockatrice,” Maud said, her eyes boring through Fluttershy like a tunnel-boring machine through a mountain. “Pinkie told me about it.”

“Oh.” Fluttershy’s blood ran cold. “She did?”

“Yes. She also said that you can convince it to undo its petrification.”

“I… er… I may have done that. Once. A long time ago.” Fluttershy searched her brain for any and all excuses for why she couldn’t assist. “But the cockatrice is in the Everfree Forest now, and I have no idea where he is. And it would be too dangerous to go look for him. And even if we found him, I don’t know if he would listen to me anyway.” She paused for a breath. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you. It was nice of you to drop by, though.”

“We’ll find it,” Maud said. It was the same tone of voice that… well, it was her only tone of voice, but it was still clear that her statement was a fact rather than a suggestion. “It won’t take too long. Geologically speaking, at least. Pinkie offered to help look.”

“She did?”

Maud nodded. Slowly. “She’s getting ready right now.”

“I…” Fluttershy sighed. “I’ll get my hat.”

“I’d never seen a manticore before,” Maud said as she trotted out of the forest. Her dress was rather tattered, and a mixture of twigs, leaves, and feathers protruded from her now-disheveled mane and tail. “Or an Ursa Major.”

“I know, right?” Pinkie gasped as she bounded out of the forest mouth behind her sister. Her mane was similarly messy. “I had totally seen the manticore way way way back when Twilight first came to town and we got the Elements and defeated Nightmare Moon, but I never saw a Chupacabra in there before! Or a Strix! Or a Chimera! Or a Wolpertinger.” She giggled. “Wolpertinger! That’s like the best name for a winged, horned, squirrel-tailed, fanged rabbit ever!” She looked back over her shoulder. “Isn’t that right, Fluttershy?”

“H-huh?” Fluttershy stumbled along the path, the cockatrice perched placidly on her back. “Oh, yes. It’s a… good name…” She mumbled under her breath, “Thank goodness we didn’t see a Cragadile, or we’d still be in there!”

“What?” Pinkie bounced next to her. “I didn’t catch that.”

“Nothing!” Fluttershy gasped. At the moment, returning to the forest sat quite high on her list of Things I Really Really Really Don’t Want To Do Right Now, sitting between taking Harry the Bear to see the dentist, and performing the halftime show at the next Best Young Flyers competition. “I’m just glad we managed to get away from that Tarasque. They can be a bit ornery when you wake them up from their naps.”

“I noticed,” Maud said.

“So are we going to turn my sister to stone now, or what?” Pinkie asked, grinning excitedly at the cockatrice, who responded to the attention with a raised eyebrow.

“We’re going to go back to my cottage first,” Fluttershy answered. “That way we’ll be able to keep an eye on her while she’s... you know. And I promised the cockatrice that he would get a bag of my best chicken feed before he had to do anything.”

The cockatrice bawked loudly into her ear.

“You get the other two bags after you de-petrify her!” Fluttershy said. “I don’t want you turning her to stone and then going back to the forest.”

The cockatrice made a disgruntled, but accepting noise.

“Are you excited?!” Pinkie gasped as she scurried by her sister. “Haven’t you wanted to do this for, like, forever?”

“Yes, I’m very excited,” Maud said. “The last time I was so excited was when I got my license to own a cragadile.”

“Oh,” Fluttershy mumbled. Then she stopped. “Wait, you have a pet cragadile?!”

“Two of them, actually,” Maud said. “Their names are Jasper and Jade.”

“But… but how… how did you even—”

“Come on, Fluttershy!” Pinkie gave her a shove. “We don’t have all day! You don’t want to keep Maud waiting, do you?”

“No, I suppose not.” She turned to the cockatrice, who shrugged at her. “Let’s go. The chicken feed is back at my cottage anyway.”

Twilight skipped along, enjoying the warm-but-not-too-warm sunshine. The day was far too nice to spend cooped up inside studying all afternoon. The only natural response was to take her books and studying outside. This time of the week usually found Fluttershy directing her bird choruses. It would make for the perfect soundtrack to an afternoon with her nose buried in a heavy, dusty tome about the development of Karpomorphosis.

As she came in view of the cottage, she groaned. Fluttershy was there, but rather than gently directing a group of robins to sing just a little bit more on-key, she sat a table with Pinkie Pie and a third pony who was moving so little that it could only be Maud. They were apparently having a tea party. The only thing keeping her from simply turning around was the knowledge that Maud was visiting. That meant that Pinkie would almost certainly be too distracted to be a distraction. She decided to risk it.

“Good afternoon, Fluttershy!” she said as she approached the table. She nodded graciously at the Pie sisters. “Pinkie, Maud.”

“Good afternoon, Twilight,” Fluttershy answered in a strained voice. “How are you?”

“Oh, I’m fine. Just thought I’d spend a bit of time enjoying the sun while I study.” She paused, and noticed the degree to which Fluttershy’s mane was bedraggled. “What happened to you? Are you okay?”

“We were just in the Everfree Forest!” Pinkie leaped over the table and landed next to Twilight. “We saw a Wolpertinger! It was kinda cute, actually.” She picked up a blueberry scone and stuffed the whole thing in her mouth.

“The Everfree Forest?” Twilight gasped. “Why were you in… the…” Her voice trailed off as she realized that Maud was quiet. Unusually quiet, even for her. That could only mean one thing. Twilight turned to Maud, and groaned. “Fluttershy, why is Maud made of stone?”

“Have you met my sister?” Pinkie said through a mouthful of crumpets. “Why wouldn’t she be made of stone?”

“You know what I mean!” Twilight began to pace in nervous, jittery circles around the tea table. “How did this happen? Did you run into a cockatrice in the forest and then carry her all the way back here? Did you—” She froze as she noticed a familiar shape emerging from Fluttershy’s house. Not petrified, but close to it. She thrust a hoof at the chicken-shaped scaly creature that had just perched on the windowsill. “You!”

The cockatrice cocked its head curiously. Then realization struck.

“BAWK!” It hopped off the ledge and scurried towards the back of the house.

“Get back here you little—”

“Twilight, wait!” Fluttershy leaped between Twilight and her quarry. “It’s okay!”

“Okay?! That cockatrice turned me to stone! And now it went and did the same to Maud! Granted, she probably won’t be that upset about it, but—”

“It’s okay, Twilight!” Pinkie interrupted. “We made a deal with it!”

“A… a deal?” Twilight asked, confused. She glanced back and forth between Fluttershy, Pinkie, and the cockatrice.

Fluttershy sighed, and began to explain. “We made a deal with the cockatrice because Maud wanted to know what it was like to be a rock. I gave him a few bags of chicken feed if he would petrify Maud for a few hours and then turn her back. Since he doesn’t get to use his petrification powers very often, he agreed.” She looked back over her shoulder. “Isn’t that right?”

The cockatrice poked its head out from behind the cottage and nodded before giving Twilight a wary glance.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I really should’ve known.” She turned to Pinkie. “And you let your sister go through with this?! Aren’t you worried about what might happen if this goes wrong?”

“Well, yeah,” Pinkie said. “But you should have seen her! I’ve never seen her so excited about something in all my life except for that time when I gave her Boulder for her birthday.”

“So you were willing to let her get turned to stone?”

“Trust me, Twilight, there was no stopping her.” Pinkie shook her head. “I know better than to get in her way. Besides, you should’ve heard her! She started getting petrified really slowly, so that she could savor it!”

“R-really.”

“She really did,” Fluttershy said softly. “It was… odd.”

“Yeah!” Pinkie put on what seemed to Twilight to be her most droll monotone. “‘I can’t feel my back hooves. Now my tail is starting to get heavy. I can’t move it. My flanks are starting to harden now. My back is getting cold. My front legs are getting stiff now. I can’t feel my neck. Now I’m’” —Pinkie paused— “and then she was totally stoned!”

“I can see that,” Twilight said. “How much longer is she supposed to be like this?”

“Ummm…” Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out a stopwatch the size of a clock. “Two hours, thirty six minutes, and forty-three sec… wait. It’s forty-two seconds now. Forty-one. Forty—”

“Okay, I get it.” Twilight shook her head. “I can understand, sort of, why Maud might want to do this, but why for so long?”

“She just wants to savor the experience,” Fluttershy said as she let the cockatrice perch on her back. “I don’t think she’d want it to be over too quickly.”

“Well, I don’t really think that matters,” Twilight said. “And I’m speaking from experience.”

“You might not enjoy being a rock, but I’m sure Maud does!” Pinkie snapped. “Look at her face! Can’t you see that she’s having the time of her life?!”

Twilight and Fluttershy glanced at Maud. It wasn’t often that they could literally say they had seen more expressive statues. They decided to take Pinkie’s word for it.

“Even so,” Twilight said carefully, “it’s not that I didn’t enjoy being a rock. It’s that… well… it doesn’t feel like anything. When I got petrified I didn’t even know that I got petrified until after it was over. I know it happened to me, but I can’t really say that I experienced it. It was like falling asleep and then not dreaming at all. I was just walking down the path to Zecora’s, something popped out at me, and next thing I knew Fluttershy was there.”

“Wait, you mean that getting petrified doesn’t feel like anything?” Pinkie gasped.

“Not really, no. I guess that because your brain and nerves are all stone, you aren’t conscious of the experience.”

Pinkie reared up and shook her forehooves at the sky. “NOOOOOOOO!”

Twilight and Fluttershy both stepped back.

“No no no no no!” Pinkie pranced in place. “This is terrible! Maud has always wanted to do this for like her entire life! If it doesn’t feel like anything she’ll be so disappointed.”

“Maud is a tough pony, Pinkie,” Twilight said. She put a hoof around Pinkie’s shoulders, half to reassure her, and half to stop her from bouncing. “It might be a bit anti-climactic, but I’m sure she’ll be fine!”

“But I can’t just stand here and not do anything if she’ll be so let down when she turns back into not-stone!” Pinkie wailed. “She’ll be crushed! I can’t let that happen. There’s only one thing I can do!”

“It’s a party, isn’t it?” Fluttershy said, half to herself.

“IT’S A P—” Pinkie grinned and nodded at Fluttershy. “Exactly!”

Twilight sighed in resignation. “I suppose I should start rounding up partygoers?”

“You would think that, but no!” Pinkie waggled her eyebrows. “I have something much better planned.”

“Fluttershy?”

“Present!” Fluttershy answered.

“Twilight Sparkle?”

“Present,” Twilight said reluctantly.

“Cockatrice?”

“BWAWK!”

“Pinkie Pie?” Pinkie paused for a moment. “Present!” She paused again. “Rocky?”

She scurried around to the other side of the table, where a pile of rocks sat on a stool. She jiggled the stool. “Present!” she said in a deep voice. Then back to her previous spot. “Tom?” Back to the other side of the table. “Present!” And then back to her seat. “Boulder?”

“Pinkie, is this really necessary?” Twilight looked up and down the length of the table. Of the dozen or so seats, only three had actual ponies. The others were occupied by various inanimate objects of the igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic persuasions. And the head of the table was Maud, who was both a pony and a stone. Then there was the cockatrice, perched on Fluttershy’s back. The table was dominated by, naturally, a large cake which was garnished, even more naturally, with the single largest piece of rock candy that Twilight had ever seen. “I realize that you want to give Maud some moral support, but I think you might be overdoing it a little.”

“Well, obviously it would be better to have the family here, but they live too far away,” Pinkie said. “So this is the next best thing. It’s just a pity that Petra couldn’t make it. Although she’s, you know, a mountain. So if we wanted her to be there we’d have to move the whole party.” She paused and did some mental mathematics. “How long will it be before Maud turns back into a pony?”

“Not long enough to move the whole party,” Twilight answered wearily. “I nearly killed myself just getting ‘Tom’ over here.”

“Um, not that I don’t want to have a party for Maud or anything, but is all this really necessary?” Fluttershy mumbled. “I mean, Maud doesn’t seem like the type to be discouraged so easily.”

“She isn’t, usually.” Pinkie jumped onto the table, causing it to wobble. The giant rock candy crystal embedded at the top of the cake slid a slight bit askew. She hunched over and thrust her face into Fluttershy’s. “But we’re talking about rocks here! Of course she’s going to be disappointed when it’s not everything she dreamt it would be! As her sister, I have to be here to cheer her up!”

“I understand that, Pinkie,” Twilight said as she surreptitiously re-aligned the crystal with her telekinesis. “But I really have to agree with Fluttershy. Even if you’re right, and Maud does feel horribly let down, is this really the best way to go about things? She just… doesn’t exactly seem like the partying type. I’m not sure if these circumstances are a good enough reason to throw a party.”

“WHAT?!” Pinkie leapt over the cake and landed in front of Twilight. “First of all, you don’t need reasons to party, only reasons to not-party. Second, I know that Maud usually isn’t into parties. She’s only into one thing, and that’s rocks. Duh! But I don’t know much about rocks. I used to, but then I moved to Ponyville and started working in a bakery, and all my rock knowledge got replaced with cake recipes! I wouldn’t know a sedimentary rock from an Ignatius.”

“Uh, ‘Ignatius’ isn’t a type of rock, Pinkie,” Twilight mumbled, leaning back to give herself some breathing room. “You mean ‘igneous.’”

“That’s my point!” Pinkie declared. “I might not know enough about rocks to cheer up Maud that way, but I do know how to throw parties that make other ponies happy! And if rocks make my sister happy, then I’m going to throw rocks at… uh... wait a sec.” She stopped to reorganize her thoughts. Then she thrust her hoof in the air triumphantly. “I’m going to throw her a party with rocks!”

“I see,” Twilight said, impressed by Pinkie’s ardour.

“So, is it really Maud’s dream to turn into a rock?” Fluttershy asked.

“It sure is!” Pinkie hopped off the table and returned to her seat. “Way back when we were just little itty-bitty teeny-weeny fillies, and we were out on the rock farm, she would always talk about how she wondered what the rocks felt like when we were rolling them around. Not so much when we smashed them to get to the gems inside, though. But she always wondered what it would be like to just sit somewhere all day and not be able to do anything!” She paused, lost in thought. “I wonder if petrified ponies are filled with gems.”

Fluttershy gasped and covered her mouth with her hooves. “Pinkie!”

“What, I’m not going to smash her! She’s my sister!” Pinkie gasped in shock at the implication. “I might be off-kilter, eccentric, odd, wacky, wonky, weird, bizarre, and quirky, but I’m not crazy! Well, maybe I’m a little crazy, but not that kind of crazy!”

In the distance, the clock tower began to chime. Pinkie gasped again.

“It’s time! Is everypony ready?”

“Ready as I’m going to be, I guess,” Twilight said with a shrug.

“Alright,” Fluttershy gently nudged the cockatrice towards Maud. “Go ahead.”

The cockatrice nodded.

“Remember,” Pinkie said, “wait until she’s totally unpetrified before you say anything! Or at least until her ears are unpetrified. Yelling ‘Surprise!’ isn’t really helpful if she can’t hear it. Now, everypony get into position!”

Twilight and Fluttershy glanced at each other and shrugged. Pinkie took her seat at the spot next to Maud. The cockatrice stood next to the petrified pony, and turned to Fluttershy. She gave him a smile and an encouraging nod. It stood up straight, crowed once, and then tapped on Maud’s leg. There was a flash of light and a puff of dust as the outer layer of stone poofed off of Maud.

She blinked a few time, otherwise remaining as still as a statue. Her eyes slowly surveyed the scene. “What’s going on?”

“SURPRISE!” Pinkie shouted, with Twilight and Fluttershy saying it with somewhat less gusto. Then Pinkie dove under the table and emerged behind Tom. “SURPRISE!” She shouted again, in a deeper voice. Then she darted over to Rocky’s seat. “SURPRISE!”

Maud shook her head slowly as Pinkie continued to bounce around the table. “A party?” she asked.

“It was Pinkie’s idea,” Twilight answered. Then she paused. “But I guess you knew that.”

“But why?” Maud asked. “Besides Pinkie being Pinkie.”

“Well,” Fluttershy began, “she thought that—”

“I just wanted to cheer you up!” Pinkie dropped seemingly out of the sky to land next to Maud, with her foreleg around her sister. “Twilight came by and saw that you were all petrified and she was like ‘petrification isn’t that awesome because you can’t feel anything.’ So then I realized that you would be really sad that you couldn’t actually feel what it was like to be rock, so I decided to throw you a party with lots of rocks to cheer you up!” She paused. “Are you cheered up?”

“Of course.”

“Great!” Pinkie grabbed Maud in a tight hug. “I’m so sorry that getting all stony didn’t turn out like you thought that it would!”

“Actually, it was exactly what I expected,” Maud said.

“What?!” Pinkie released her sister and stared at her in disbelief. Fluttershy and Twilight shared the stare.

“But I’ve been petrified!” Twilight scratched her head. “I certainly didn’t feel anything once it was over. Did the fact that you were aware of the process enable you to experience some sort of sensation?”

Maud shook her head. “No.”

“Then what did you feel?” Fluttershy asked. “If you aren’t disappointed by it, you must have felt something.”

“I didn’t feel anything,” Maud said. “I was completely unaware of any type of sensations. That’s just what I expected.”

“Waitwaitwait!” Pinkie scrunched up her face. “You mean that you knew you weren’t going to feel anything while you were turned to stone?!”

“Of course,” Maud said with a shrug. “Rocks don’t have nervous systems, so if I was really turned into a rock, I wouldn’t be capable of feeling anything. I wanted to be sure my hypothesis was correct.”

Twilight put a hoof to her face. Fluttershy simply stared at Maud, dumbfounded. Pinkie nodded understandingly.

“That’s a relief!” Pinkie wiped her forehead, despite not being even the least bit sweaty. “I was afraid you would be so let down, and then it would be my responsibility to cheer you up!”

Maud smiled. Slightly. “Well, you did cheer me up, even if I didn’t need it. Thanks, Pinkie.”

“You’re welcome!” Pinkie grabbed Maud in another hug.

“I want to thank you, too,” Maud said. She looked at Fluttershy, who now had the cockatrice perched on her back once again. “Without your help I could never have done this.”

“You’re welcome,” Fluttershy said softly. The cockatrice nodded once, and then squawked in her ear. “Yes, I know. I’ll get you the chicken feed as soon as we’re done.”

Maud then turned to Twilight. “I suppose I should thank you too. For putting up with my sister when she does things like this.”

“No, it’s fine,” Twilight said, smiling. “She justed wanted to make sure you wouldn’t be sad.”

“I know.”

“Well, now that we know that everything turned out okay, let’s have a party to celebrate!” Pinkie released her sister with a twirl. “Start, the music Rocky!” She scurried over the phonograph that was somehow now sitting next to the stack of rocks, and turned it on. It began to blare some sort of noisy, percussion-heavy music. “Come on, everypony!” Pinkie shouted. “Let’s rock out!”

Fluttershy shook her head at the bad pun, and then looked to the cockatrice. “What do you say we go get you that feed, now?”

It nodded, and the two of them headed to the storage shed.

Twilight watched them go, silently hoping that Pinkie wouldn’t notice and drag them back. But both Pinkie and Maud were occupied. Pinkie in helping all the other “partygoers” to dance, and Maud swaying her tail slightly with the music as she watched Pinkie’s antics. Twilight smiled, and took her leave. She still didn’t quite understand the Pie sisters, but then again, if they understood each other, she didn’t really need to.

Author's Note

I'm not entirely sure how I came up with this idea. I'm kinda surprised it hasn't cropped up anywhere yet. I would've thought that the Maud / Cockatrice combo would've been jumped on. Either that or somebody did and I just didn't see it. Which is totally possible.

Maud is way too much fun to write.

Also, do you guys think there's enough comedic content in this story to qualify it as a comedy?