It’s Not Easy Being Green… and Purple
It’s Not Easy Being Green… and Purple-ooooooo-
“Spike! SPIKE! WAKE UP!”
Spike slowly came to as his standard alarm clock went off. In this case, Twilight Sparkle yelling at him to get out of bed. He stretched his arms out and yawned before pulling them back and rubbing his eyes.
“’Morning Twilight,” Spike said groggily, “What’s…” Spike took a glance outside and noticed that Celestia had only began to raise the sun. He shot Twilight a confused, irritated glance, “Twilight? What time is it?”
Twilight gave the dragon a big, toothy smile. “Time for you to get up and start helping me with the daily tasks!” she said cheerfully.
Spike made a disgusted grunt, “Uhg, you know I need a full night’s sleep to get me through the day, Twi.”
“Don’t worry!” Twilight said with a grin. “I’ve factored that in!” With a purple glow of her horn, the purple alicorn floated over a scroll to the baby dragon.
Spike’s eyes shot open as he looked the item over and took it into his claws. It looked much like a standard schedule created by Twilight, except there were tiny slivers of time peppered throughout that all said, ‘Spike Nap’ on them. Spike looked up from the scroll and gave Twilight a confused, inquisitive stare.
“I schedules several dozen nap times ranging from 30 seconds to 2 minutes all across the day!” Twilight said excitedly. “You’ll catch up on your missing hours in no time!”
“Gee, thanks…” Spike said in a less than enthused voice.
“You’re welcome!” Twilight said. “Now…” Twilight floated over another scroll, “let’s get started.”
Spike stifled a yawn. “Shouldn’t we start with breakfast?”
Twilight nodded. “You’ve read my mind, Spike!”
Twilight floated the scroll over to Spike, and Spike unfurled it and began reading it… “Two cups flour… One and one quarter cups white sugar… 2 teaspoons baking soda…” He looked up at Twilight, “Is this… is this a recipe?”
Twilight nodded. “It sure is! Morning Glory Muffins!” Twilight said happily.
Spike sighed. “Couldn’t you just have told me you wanted muffins for breakfast?”
“But this way it’s all organized!” Twilight replied. “Anyhow, you better get started. It should take you exactly forty five minutes to complete this task and then you get a minute long power nap!”
Spike grumbled irritably to himself as he walked downstairs. Great! She’s in super micromanagement mode today… This will notbe pretty…
Roughly forty five minutes later, Spike walked over to the library’s dining room table and sat down a half-dozen perfectly cooked, brown muffins on a plate. The muffins filled the library with the sweet scent of baked apples, carrots, nuts, and vanilla.
Twilight glanced up from a small collection of books and scrolls out in front of her and levitated a muffin over to her. She took a quick bite. “Hmmmm…Perfect as always, Spike.”
Spike allowed himself a small smile as he grabbed a muffin for himself. “Thanks, I am an expert baker…”
Twilight nodded. “You’re running a little late, but you can grab 28 point 5 seconds of sleep if you pass out right now.”
“Uhhh, that’s okay, Twilight,” Spike replied. “I think I’ll just power through for a little bit.”
Twilight smiled. “And that’s why you’re my number one assistant!”
“Aww, go on…” Spike said with a smile. He suddenly frowned. “No seriously, go on. I need nearly constant validation of my existence otherwise I get all sad and mopey…”
“Later, Spike,” Twilight said. “Could you get me my copy of Pasturedamus’s Collection of Predictions?” she asked.
Spike paused. “You mean that giant book that’s on the very top shelf of the library?”
Twilight nodded and smiled. “That’s the one!”
Spike grumbled as he walked off to fetch the Library’s tallest ladder. He soon returned with the large item and propped it nearly flat against the library shelf. Even with the ladder raised to almost its full height, he wasn’t sure if he could reach the book Twilight needed. He carefully scaled the ladder as it wobbled under each slow step the dragon took.
Twilight glanced up at Spike. “You’ll need to be faster than that if you want to catch your next two minute nap,” she informed.
Spike shot the purple alicorn a glare then looked back towards the top of the ladder. He swallowed as he quickened his pace and the ladder began to shake. He reached the top rung and stood up stretching his arm… “Whoa…WHOA!” he cried out in alarm as the ladder began to tilt away from the shelf.
“Whooo! Whooo!”
Spike watched as a brown owl flew up in front of him and grabbed the large tome from the shelf. The owl flew the book down to Twilight.
“Ooops! Sorry, Spike!” Twilight called out. “I forgot I have a pet owl who can fly and fetch books from me.”
“Na…no…problem…” Spike stuttered as the ladder continued tilting backwards. “WhaaaAAAAaaaAaAaA!” Spike exclaimed as the ladder fell backwards into another shelf of books with a loud ‘Crash!’
“OUCH! MY SPINE!” Spike cried from the newly formed pile of books on the ground.
“Spike! Stop goofing around!” Twilight called from the table.
Spike stood to his feet and stretched his back, grimacing as it made a sickly ‘Crack!’ sound.
“Could you get me my copy of Things Starswirl the Bearded Said While He Was Really, Really Drunk?” Twilight asked.
“Errraggh!” Spike cried out in pain as he rubbed his back with both claws. “You mean the book that’s literally a few feet away from you that you can clearly see?” he asked irritably.
Twilight smiled sweetly and nodded. “That’s the one!”
Spike gave an exasperated sigh as he trudged over to the book in question. Before he could reach it, a purple glow encompassed it and it floated over to Twilight.
Spike shot the purple princess an irritated look.
“Ooops! Sorry, Spike,” Twilight said. “I forgot I could use magic to levitate it to me for a second.”
Spike uttered an annoyed growl in response.
Twilight looked around the room. “Gee… it sure is a little dust and covered with books in here…” she stated. “Maybe you could clean up a bit?”
Spike sighed and went to fetch his broom. After a sometime spent feverously cleaning the library, the books where shelved and the wooden floor and walls sparkled.
Twilight nodded. “Good work, Spike.”
Spike uttered a small sigh as he wiped a forearm across his brow. “Phew…Thanks, Twilight.”
Twilight nodded. “Now… I’ve seen to misplaced several of my beakers and test tubes… Could you run to the local Lab Supplies and Carpet Emporium and pick me up a new set?”
Spike scrunched his lips to one side of his face… But… that’s all the way across town! And those things are fragile! Ulg… this is going to take forever!
“I’d help…” Twilight began, “but you know… research…” Twilight said. She quickly opened up her copy of Things Starswirl the Bearded Said While He Was Really, Really Drunk and glanced at a page, snickering to herself as she did.
Spike sighed again, something he had a feeling he’d be doing a lot of today. “Right… on it…”
-ooooo-
Spike hurriedly made his way across town, a red wagon in tow. Stupid Twilight, and her stupid schedules that are timed to the minute! If I don’t get back with the lab equipment soon, she’s going to get all frantic about her whole day being off… Spike sighed. Someday, I wonder why I even both… “OOF!”
“WHOA, NELLY!”
‘Splat!’
Spike rubbed his head and looked up. “Oh, no! A.J.!” he cried.
An apple pie slid off Applejack’s face and fell to the ground. Bits of apple and crust clung to her face and mane as she flashed the dragon a slightly irritated look “Uh… ‘morning Spike,” the orange mare said in tone to match her facial expression.
“I’m so sorry, Applejack!” Spike said as he walked up to the mare and helped brush bits of pie off of her. “Twilight has me on a tight schedule today and I wasn’t looking.”
Applejack sighed and shook her head, “Don’t worry about it, pardner… I’ll just have to quickly whip up another pie for Pie Club.”
Spike’s face lit up, “Pie Club?! Wow, sounds awe…” Spike suddenly paused and looked at Applejack with concern, “Uh… Applejack… you’re bleeding.”
Applejack nodded as blood began to trickle from small lacerations on her face, “That would be all the broken glass and metal shavings in the pie…”
“WHAT?!” Spike exclaimed. “Why would you put those things in a pie?!”
“Well, I wanna win, of course!” Applejack said.
“What kind of club is this?!”
-oooooo-
“Alright, ya’ll,” A green earth pony mare with a reddish orange mane began as she addressed a group of seriously looking ponies in a shabby, wood walled room, “I’ll go over the rules one more time. The first rule of Pie Club is, You do not talk about PIE CLUB! The second rule is, You DO NOT talk about Pie Club! If somepony says “medic” or goes limp, taps out the eating is over. Only two ponies and two pies to a challenge. One pie exchange at a time. No poison, toxic liquids, or anything ground into anything smaller than sand. Chewin’ will go on as long as it has to. If this is your first night at PIE CLUB, you HAVE to eat.” The mare looked out into the crowd, “Now… I understand we have a challenge issued?”
An orange mare with ginger colored hair raised a hoof, “I challenge Applejack for title of Pie Master.”
A series of gasps and murmurs erupted from the ponies in the crowd.
The green mare chuckled, “Someone get the stretcher ready, somepony is heading for the E.R. for sure…If Applejack accepts, of course.”
The crowd parted revealing Applejack as her wide brimmed hat obscured her eyes and face. Only her expressionless lips where visible in the dim light. She had her back legs crossed and rested them on the table, the top of which had been messily stained a dark, brownish red. Similarly colored splotches covered the walls. A single, uncut, apple pie rested on the table next to her legs.
Applejack tilted her hat up. “I accept,” she announced flatly.
A chorus of cheers erupted from the crowd.
The ginger maned mare stepped forward to the table and set her pie down as she climbed into a chair across from Applejack.
“Inspect pies!” The green haired pony called out.
A brown colored, blond maned stallion walked up to the table and took a quick glance at the pies “They look good enough to eat,” he said in a joking tone.
A series of grim sound giggles and chuckles rolled through the crowd.
The green pony grinned and turned to Applejack. “Alright, A.J. as the challenged you may serve the first slice.”
Applejack shook her head. “Figure’ I’d give the newbie here a fightin’ chance.”
A series of excited hoots and hollering erupted from the crowd.
The ginger maned mare was given a fork, knife and small plate. She quickly sliced her pie and lifted a piece onto the plate with the knife. She passed slid the plate and fork over to Applejack.
Applejack lifted her back legs from the table and slid forward. She picked up the fork and forcefully thrust it through the front of the slice in front of her. She took up a generous heap of the pie and shoved it into her mouth.
The crowd went silent. Soon the only sound in the room was breathing from nervous ponies and a loud crunching sound the emanated from Applejacks chewing.
Applejack swallowed and shot her opponent an unamused look. “Seriously newbie? Gravel? At least you could have put in the odd shard of obsidian or something.”
The crowd burst into enthusiastic cheers.
The green pony shook her head with a smile on her face. “Ya detected multiple foreign objects and chewed and swallowed anyways… Ye’re a force of nature, A.J.”
Applejack was presented with a knife, plate, and fork of her own. She quietly sliced and dished up a slice of her own pie and slid it across the table.
The ginger maned mare gulped and looked at the slice in front of her with a worried, grim expression. She picked up her fork in a shaking hoof and slowly stabbed it into the pie. She raised her fork with the piece of apple pie and quickly shoveled it into her mouth.
Applejack grinned wickedly. “How is it, pardner?” she asked.
Tears began to form in the ginger maned mares closed eyes, “Ga…good…”
Applejack chuckled. “Nothing wrong?”
The ginger maned mare shook her head as her lip began to tremble. She dug her fork into the pie again and took another bite. This time she felt a crunch as she chewed. Her eyes shot open wide and her pupils shrank to pinpricks against her green irises as she raised a forehoof and spit a mouth full of bloody saliva and a twisted, sharp metal shard into it. “Ma…MEDIC!” she screamed.
A bespectacled wearing white unicorn stallion wearing a blue rubber hoof protectors, a light blue lab coat that sported a medic cross ran up and began inspecting the ginger maned mare’s mouth as the rest of the crowd rushed to Applejack and began slapping her back and shaking her hoofs as she grinned to herself.
-oooooo-
“You know…” Applejack said trailing off. “I’m not really suppose’ to say…”
“Oh…” Spike replied. “Then why did you just tell me that whole story about your secret, underground, Pie Fight Club where ponies feed each other pies full of sharp objects and stuff?”
Applejack smacked a forehoof against her forehead, “Stupid honest streak…” she mumbled out.
“Hey! I can help make you a new pie, at least,” Spike offered.
“Don’cha have somewhere to be right now?” Applejack asked.
Spike shrugged, “Twilight’s in super-micromanagement mode, I’m bound to screw up at some point.” He put on a pleading look. “Come on, please! I feel real bad about ruining your pie! And I’m an excellent baker.”
Applejack gave the baby dragon a skeptical look as she remembered the last time he helped her bake something.
Spike turned on his pleading look to max, opening his eyes and lips wide as he gave Applejack a full tooth smile.
Applejack sighed. “Alright, but just the prep. You gotta get the glass shards and metal shavings mixed just right otherwise they’re pretty easy to catch on the first bite.”
Spike nodded. “No problem!”
The two quickly made their way back to Sweet Apple Acres as Applejack began to quiz the baby dragon on the finer points of making a pie crust.
“…The trick is to use very cold butter,” Applejack began, “and mix it in real good with the flour, Two in a half cups flour, a cup of butter, 1 tea…”
“I know how to make pie crust, A.J.” Spike replied as he continued to drag his wagon behind him.
“Uh… you do?” Applejack asked in a skeptical tone.
“Sure!” Spike replied. “1 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon sugar, six to eight tablespoons of water...”
“Uh… exactly how long have you known how to make a pie crust?”
Spike shrugged. “I dunno, I mean I knew how to bake before I came to Ponyville…”
The two continued walking towards the farm, cresting a bright, grassy hill.
“If ya know so much, how is it ya turned a pie into cinder during yer whole life debt escapade?” Applejack asked.
Spike shrugged. “I guess I was having an off day.”
The two made their way to the large farmhouse that served as the Apple families living quarters.
“Allow me,” Spike said as let go of the handle to his wagon and forcefully pushed opened the front door.
‘SLAM!’
“Ahhhh! My old lady hip!” an aged mare’s voice rang out in pain as the sound of many, tiny items scattering on a wooden floor was heard.
Spike and Applejack cringed and exchanged quick, worried glances as they ran inside.
“Granny Smith!” Spike cried as he looked over the fallen, elderly, light green mare who was laying down next to a spilled pile of metal shavings. “Are you alright?”
“Welp, you killed granny,” Applejack said nonchalantly. “Here, help me make it look like an accident.”
“It WAS an accident!” Spike said in a panicky tone.
Applejack chuckled and winked at Spike. “Oh, hehe… I getcha…”
“I’m not dead!” Granny Smith cried.
Spike breathed a sigh of relief. “She says she’s not dead,” he exclaimed.
“Don’t be silly granny, of course ye're dead!” Applejack replied.
Spike cocked an eyebrow at the orange mare.
“I’m not!” Granny Smith insisted.
“Well, you will be soon, you’re very ill,” Applejack replied.
“I’m getting better!” Granny Smith said.
“No you’re not, you’ll be stone dead in a moment!” Applejack insisted.
“A.J.,” Spike said, “what the heck are you doing?”
“She wants to collect the life insurance policy she took out on me,” Granny Smith informed from the floor.
“Well, it’s been a tough harvest!” Applejack insisted. “Are ye sure yer not dead? Passed on? No more? Ceased to be? Expired and gone to meet yer maker? A stiff? Bereft of life? Resting in peace?”
“I don told ya already, I’m not dead!”
“Maybe just a little dead?” Applejack asked in a hopeful tone.
Granny Smith glared up at her granddaughter. “Applejack, if Ah were dead, how do ya t’ink Ah’d be able to talk to ya?” she said.
Applejack sighed. “Fine, we’ll just have to come up with the money some other way,” she said as she helped her grandmother to her feat.
“I’m so sorry, Granny Smith!” Spike said. “Here, let me clean that up for you…” Spike made his way towards the kitchen.
Applejack sighed. “Well… this won’t end well…”
‘THUD!’
‘CRASH!’
‘KRISSHHH!’
Applejack and Granny Smith cringed at the sound of things falling over and glass items break on impact with the floor.
“WHY?!” Spike cried. He quickly emerged from the kitchen holding a broom.
“Little trouble there?” Applejack asked.
“I’m fine…” Spike growled out as he began sweeping the metal shavings into a pile.
“Don’t throw those away,” Applejack requested, “those are essential Pie Club baking ingredi-OW!” Applejack stood on her back legs and rubbed her freshly poked ribs with a forearm.
“Yer not supposed to talk about it!” Granny Smith reminded.
“Oh… right…” Applejack uttered.
‘KRISSHHH!’
“Oh, COME ON!” Spike exclaimed.
Applejack and Granny Smith examined the window Spike had just shattered with the end of the broomstick.
“I’m guessing cleanin’ is not your strong suite,” Applejack said.
“I clean the library ALL THE TIME!” Spike insisted forcefully. “You should SEE the messes Twilight makes… and see the bizarre colors of the thick, eye burning smoke… and also smell the noxious fumes her experiments leave behind...” Spike’s tone began to get increasingly frustrated. “You’d think she’d buy me a gas mask or something, but nooo… It’s always…” Spike put on a fake, goofy smile and widened his eyes as he began to speak in a mock tone of Twilight’s cadence, “… ‘Clean up these toxic chemicals I spilled, Spike!’” Spike swung a fist in front of his chest. “’That’s my number one assistant!’”
Applejack and Granny Smith exchanged a quick glance and turned back to Spike.
“Uh…Spike?” Applejack asked as she attempted to interrupt the dragon’s tirade.
“Or, ‘Don’t worry, Spike! The fumes are probably not harmful to dragons,’ and even…”
“Spike?” Applejack said a bit more forcefully.
“… ‘Stop convulsing on the floor, coughing up blood, and goofing around! I don’t care how dizzy you are! You need to mop this up before it stains the flooring!’ I mean, the nerve of that girl sometimes! Some days she can’t decide if I’m her best friend or live in slave! And it’s not like it’s easy…”
“Spike!”
“…living with a bunch of ponies! You’re all thoughtful and kind one day, and the next, somepony is having some sort of bizarre breakdown that has them acting completely different from how they usually would and everything just goes bonkers…”
“Spike!”
“… and then the town is in panic, because we’re all going to die again, and…”
“SPIKE!”
“…Whoops!” Spike said as he regained his focus. “Sorry about that, A.J. Twilight got me up early, so I’m a little cranky.”
“That’s alright, pardner,” Applejack replied. “It can get a might bit stressful here at times.” She smiled at Spike. “Why don’t you come into the kitchen with me and we can see about baking that pie.”
Spike’s face lit up. “You mean it?!”
Applejack swung a forehoof in front of her. “Darn tootin’!”
* A few minutes later*
“Whahahahyeeeeeeeeeee!?” Spike cried as bright, orange flames continued to consume the farmhouse.
“Well, money problems solved, I guess,” Granny Smith said.
Applejack nodded. “Eeyup.”
“I’m so, so, so sorry I burnt down your house, Applejack!” Spike said.
“It’s alright, Spike,” Applejack replied. “We were gonna burn it down anyways to collect on insurance! You saved us the trouble.”
“Uhh… I did?” Spike asked in an unsure voice.
Applejack nodded. “Yep. Why do you think we’re always raising a barn around here?”
“Huh…” Spike said trailing off. “I guess that does make a fair amount of sense…”
“Ah man,” Applebloom exclaimed as she galloped up to the burning wreckage. “Is it ‘Build a New Home Day’, already?”
Big McIntosh trotted up behind his youngest sister and sighed. “… Eeyup.”
“Well, since I burnt it down,” Spike began, “the least I can do is hel…”
“Spike, please don’t take this the wrong way or nothing’, but please get the buck out of here,” Applejack said.
Spike kicked a rock at his feet and grabbed his wagon. “Yeah, alright… Apple Acres seems to have bizarre, ‘screw up’ rays that mess with me anyhow.” He sighed heavily and began trudging back to Ponyville.
“Awww, he looks so disappointed!” Apple Bloom exclaimed. “Maybe we could…”
“NO!” Applejack and Granny Smith exclaimed.
“Eenope,” Big McIntosh said as he shook his head.
“Oh… alright…” Apple Bloom said in a slightly disappointed tone. “Hey! Maybe I can get Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle to help, I bet they’d love a chance to…”
“NO!”
“Eenope.”
Apple Bloom sighed. “Fine…”
-ooooo-
Spike continued his trek through Ponyville with a downcast expression plastered on his face. His desire to get to the Lab Supplies and Carpet Emporium in a timely fashion had been crushed by the fact that he was already late and was undoubtedly in for an evening of a dealing with a stressed out, frantic alicorn. He hung his head low as he dwelled upon his inability to perform tasks that usually came naturally to him. Looks like it’s a day loaded with suck for me… I can’t think of a single thing that could turn this day ar…
“Spikey-wikey? Why, whatever is the matter, dear?”
Spike’s expression turned a complete 180 as he looked up at the shining visage of Rarity who stared at him from the doorstep of Carousel Boutique. “Hiya, Rarity… just out burning down Sweet Apple A- I MEAN, staying away from Twi-ER HELPING Twilight with her daily, inane, and pointless tasks!” Spike said cheerfully.
Rarity’s expression turned slightly disappointed. “Ah, so you’re busy then…”
“Uh, no it’s alright!” Spike said as he hastily made his way over to the boutique. “Nothing’s so important that I can’t stop to help my Rarity- I MEAN, you… m’lady…” Spike said as he grinned nervously at Rarity.
Rarity tittered. “Hehe… Oh you’re such a charmer Spike. I need you to help me dispose of some rubbish for me.”
“Of course!” Spike said. “Happy to be of service.”
Rarity lead the baby dragon into her boutique where a pile of posters, a framed picture, and a clump of hair that sat in a ruffled pile.
Spike glanced at the pile. “You’re throwing away all your Trenderhoof stuff?!” he asked excitedly.
“Well, a girl can’t dwell on the same pony forever,” Rarity replied. “Especially when that ship is sailed…”
Spike picked up one of the posters and examined it, noticing a number of red smudges and dark blue lines that ran down and off the glossy item in wavy, watery lines. “Is this lipstick… and… mascara?” he asked as he cocked an eyebrow at Rarity.
Rarity tittered nervously, “All part of the moving on process… Anyhow,” she begun with a smile, “could you help me take this unseemly pile out back?”
“With pleasure!” Spike said as he scooped up the random assortment of items and made his way to the back of the boutique.
With a light blue glow of her horn, Rarity opened the backdoor to her boutique.
Spike happily made his way outside, putting a couple dozen yards in-between himself and the boutique before unceremoniously dumping the former shrine on the ground.
“Perfect!” Rarity exclaimed. “Now, would you like the honor of permanently disposing of this unseemly mass of garbage?”
“Would I?!” Spike exclaimed.
Rarity motioned to the pile. “Oh, do go on then.”
With a somewhat mischievous smile, Spike blew a steady stream of green flames onto the pile. The items quickly caught fire, sending a cloud of black smoke into the air.
Rarity held a forehoof up to her chest. “Ah, I feel the heavy weight of fixation leaving me already.” She smiled at Spike. “Well, now that Trenderhoof is no longer, shall we say, the apple of my eye, would you like to help me fill that new void?”
Spike’s eyes shot open. “Are... are you serious?” He managed to stammer out.
“Of course, darling!” Rarity said. “A lady never jokes about such things and it’s time I move on.”
Spike gulped, unable to believe his luck. “I’d be delighted to, ma… m’lady…” he said.
Rarity grinned and motioned for Spike to follow her back inside the boutique.
Spike eager ran back into the boutique after Rarity, closing the door behind him.
“Now, hold out your arms~!” Rarity requested in a sing song voice.
Spike, closed his eyes, puckered his lips, and held out his arms. As soon as felt something enter his grasp, he pulled it close to him and planted his lips against… Paper? Spike opened his eyes and found himself staring at a bespectacled, light lavender stallion with blond hair wearing a lime-green scarf. “WHAA!” Spike cried out in alarm as he threw the collection of posters into the air before quickly catching them.
“Now be careful Spike, and don’t kiss the poster too much” Rarity chuckled. “That’s my job.”
Spike gave a heavy sigh as he stared at the poster. “Who’s this this douchebag?” he asked.
“Hipsterdouche,” Rarity said.
Spike raised an eyebrow at Rarity. “Wait, if you don’t like him, then why do you have posters of him?”
“No, that’s his name, dearie.”
Spike knitted his grow together. “Hipsterdouche?” he asked.
Rarity nodded. “Hipsterdouche,” she parroted back to Spike.
Spike paused. “… Do you ever get the feeling some ponies really resented having a child and show it through the names they pick? Who is he anyhow?”
Rarity chuckled softly to herself. “I’m not surprised he you’ve never heard of him. He’s a new fashion writer.”
Spike rolled his eyes. “Let me guess. He knows what’s hot before its even room temperature?”
“Oh my no,” Rarity replied. “Guessing what’s going to be fashionable is too mainstream, these days. Hipsterdouche instead determines what’s not popular that ponies should like anyways.”
Spike paused and pondered this. “Wait, but if ponies start liking it doesn’t it become popular?”
Rarity ignored the young dragon’s question in favor of pointing towards a maroon colored wall behind a pair of opened, pink drapes. “Would you be a dear and put those up over here in the ‘one true love’ section of the room?”
“Sa…sure... Rarity,” Spike said as he mustered all his strength to carve a twisted smile on his face as if he was chipping at rock to even make the expression. He walked over to the wall, dropped all but one of the posters in his hand and slowly unfurled the one in his claws that shook with deep, silent rage.
“Oh, and do please reduce your seething quaking to a light tremble,” Rarity said. “Wouldn’t want to tear the posters~!”
“Na… no…,” Spike uttered as an angry, bloodshot eye shot open. “Wa… wouldn’t want to do THAT!”
After setting up some Hipsterdouche posters; silhouette paintings; a large, framed painting that was hung on the wall; a table complete with Hipsterdouche printed tablecloth; a small-framed picture that was set on the table; a set of magazine clippings; a petri dish containing some of Hipsterdouche’s skin flakes; and a medium, framed picture that was too large for the tabletop, but deemed too clashy with wall behind it therefore being propped up against the table; Spike had completed setting up Rarity’s perfectly normal, and not creepy at all, shrine to Hipsterdouche despite ping-ponging between completely love-struck and homicidally angry the entire time.
“Oh, just one more thing Spikey-wikey.”
Except for just one more thing, apparently…
“Yesssss… Rarity… my sssssweet?” Spike hissed out.
“I have one more special item I received from my source in Manehattan…”
-oooooo-
“Oh, Coco?”
“Yes, Hipsterdouche?” an off-white earth pony mare with a two-tone light blue mane and tail replied.
“I’ve decided lime-green is not eye searing enough,” Hipsterdouche said as he held out his scarf for the mare. “Please dispose of this and fetch me something in a nice neon-pink.” He knitted his brow at Coco. “And please call me ‘Mr. Douche’.”
Coco nodded as she took the scarf into her hoofs, “Sorry, Mr. Douche. Right away, Mr. Douche.” She looked down at the garment in her hands, “Well… this is 100 bits, easily…”
-oooooo-
Rarity galloped over to one of her half-circle work desks, opened a door and pulled out a small package wrapped in brown wrapping paper. “HeHo-OH!” She cried in a giddy tone. “I don’t even know what’s inside it…” Rarity’s horn and the package glowed a light blue color briefly as the brown paper was removed, revealing a small, brown box. Rarity opened the box and pulled out a tiny plate with a glass domed, glass lid. A small, lumpy, colorless item sat in the center.”
Rarity gasped. “Spike! Do you know what this is?!”
“Do I even want to know?” Spike asked as he walked up to Rarity
“It’s gum that’s been in the mouth of THE Hipsterdouche!”
“That’s a ‘no’, then.”
“Oh Spike! I’m torn!” Rarity cried. “Do I add this to the table as is, or do I first stick it in my own mouth?! Savoring the exquisite flavor of Hipsterdouche’s saliva while ruining the perfectly left shape of an item that was touched by his very teeth!”
“You’re asking me if it’s a good idea to put gum someone else has already chewed in your mouth…” Spike uttered as he shook his head back and forth. “That’s just…” Spike paused and snipped off a lock of Rarity’s tail while she was distracted with her gum conundrum, gave it a quick sniff, then stuffed the lock into his built-in pockets. “…That’s just creepy.”
“I shall need time to think about this!” Rarity declared.
Spike sighed and shook his head. “You do that, I’m gonna go and angrily yell my way over to the Lab Supplies and Carpet Emporium. See ya, apple of my eye…”
“Did you say something, Spike?” Rarity asked as she glanced up from the gum.
“No… nothing…” Spike said as he bowed his head and walked off towards the store’s entrance.
Rarity refocused her gaze at the glass covered gum. “Perhaps I could simply stick it in my mouth and suck lightly on it…” she mused to herself.
-ooooo-
“THE NERVE OF THAT UNICORN!” Spike shouted to the sky as he continued to pull his red wagon across Ponyville. “SOMETIMES I COULD JUST WALK RIGHT UP, HOLD OUT MY CLAWS, AND GENTLY CARESS HER CHEEK AS I LOOK LONGINGLY INTO HER SAPPHIRE BLUE EYES AND WHISPER SWEET NOTHINGS TO HER!”
A number of passing ponies gave Spike a quizzical look as he sighed and lowered his head. Staring at the ground as he walked forward. “Stupid, insanely attractive Rarity…” he murmured to himself.
Spike finally completed his journey to the Lab Supplies and Carpet Emporium. The building looked much like the rest of Ponyville, brown and beige, three stories high with lots of windows, and a sloped roof. A small difference being the store had a blue, tiled roof instead of the normal yellow thatch roof top of the local houses. Spike opened the door.
A purple mare with a reddish brown mane tied up in a braid pulled a face at Spike as if she was simultaneously apologizing and wincing at the same time. “Sorry… just sold the last one to that pink mare who is happy beyond all reason. Uh… what’s her name…” The mare frowned. “Oh, Celestia, do I have amnesia?! No wait, it’s Pinkie Pie!” the mare said with a smile.
Spike pulled his lips out in a panicked grimace. Alright, being late is one thing, but being late without anything to show for it means being yelled at and a frantic Twilight! I gotta catch Pinkie…
Spike bolted out the door and sprinted for Sugarcube corner, still dragging his wagon behind him. He wasn’t sure what Pinkie was going to do with test tubes and beakers, but he figured she’s at least let him buy or borrow them from her to avoid trouble with Twilight. Soon, he saw the pink mare bounding down the path. “Pa… PINKIE! STOoOoOoOoOoOoOP!”
Pinkie perked her ears up and ceased her bounding. She turned around to face Spike as he ran up to her and bent over.
“Oh hey, Spike! What’s up! You enjoying this splendiferous weather we’re having?!”
Spike placed his claws on his thighs as he tried to catch his breath. “Huff… Sorry… puff… but… sales pony… huff… says you got…” Spike swallowed, “… the last…” Spike squinted and examined the item on Pinkie’s back. “Is that a carpet?” He asked pointing at the roll of fabric on Pinkie’s back.
Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “Yepper!” she replied. “Somepony at work asked me if the carpet matched the drapes, and I was like ‘I don’t know! I’ll go check!’ and then I looked behind me and went”—Pinkie depleted the area in front of her of oxygen with a large gasp—“Hwuuuuuuu! Because the drapes DIDN’T match the carpet! So then I ran as fast as I could for the Lab Supplies and Carpet Emporium to buy a carpet to match the drapes, and lucky me they happen to had one carpet left and it just happened to match the drapes! So I bought it on the spot and…”
Spike smacked his claw against his forehead and did an about face back towards the store, dragging his wagon behind him.
“… the I started making my way to work so I can put the carpet and place, so now when ponies ask me if the ‘Carpet matches the drapes’ I’ll be able to point and say, ‘WHY, YES! As a matter of fact…” Pinkie stopped, realizing Spike was nowhere to be seen. “Spike? Where’d you go… are you… are you invisible?” she whispered. Her eyes went wide as her ears flopped down around her head and she began to scan the skies with a pensive expression. “Were you… were you abducted by aliens?!” Pinkie stood up to on her hind legs, cupped her hooves around her mouth and shouted into the sky. “DON’T FIGHT THE PROBING! IT ONLY MAKES IT HURT WORSE!”
Spike grumbled irritably to himself as he pushed the door to Lab Supplies and Carpet Emporium open.
“Did you catch her? Oh, PLEASE say you caught her!” the mare behind the counter replied.
“Yeah, I caught up to her,” Spike said irritably. “But I needed lab supplies! Not a carpet.”
“Oh, my bad!” the mare replied. “I’m SO Sorry, but there’s been such a rush on carpets lately that I just figured…”
“Well, I need a set of beakers and test tubes,” Spike said
The purple mare continued, oblivious to spike’s response. “… ‘Hey! That guy probably needs a carpet.’ ‘Cause that was just playing the odds, you know? And then I thought, ‘That guys looks like he needs a carpet really bad! I better let him know who I sold the last one to, so…”
“Well, I don’t need a carpet I need a set of beakers and test tubes!” Spike said in a voice that was getting increasingly more hostile.
“Oh, right!” The mare replied. “We have tons of those! I mean… it’s pretty rare when a pony- OR DRAGON,” the mare added hastily in a panic. “Oh gosh! I’m sorry! Did that sound racist?! OR uh.. speciesist… I guess?! I’m so sorry! I’m not a speciesist, we just don’t get very many dragons…” the mares expression became increasingly panicked. “NOT THAT WE DON’T WANT THEM HERE, OR ANYTHING! THERE JUST AREN’T MANY AROUND! I erm… anyhow… we don’t sell many sets of beakers and test tubes and also I’m not a speciesist!”
“CAN I, PLEASE, BUY A SET OF BEAKERS AND TEST TUBES?!” Spike asked angrily.
“Oh… right!” the mare said with a nervous smile. “I’ll just go… get a box… because we have lots aaaaand… I love dragons!” she asserted
Spike sighed. “I get it! PLEASE just get the box.”
“Uhhh… right!” The purple mare dashed off and soon returned with a cardboard box.
Spike produced a number of bits from his pocket and loaded up the box in his wagon.
“Okay so…” the mare began, “come back if anything is broken and you’ll get a free replacement! Because that’s our policy… no matter what species… aaaaaaand I love dragons!” The mare said nervously. “You won’t… you won’t tell anypony or any other species that I hate dragons will you? Erm… cause I don’t!”
Spike rolled his eyes and headed for the exit. “Your secret is safe with me.”
The mare bobbed her head up and down happily. “Good… no wait… I mean BAD because it’s not a secret! I mean… it is a secret… NO! It’s not an anything because I LOVE DRAGONS!” she cried as she flailed her arms out in front of her and Spike exited the store.
The purple mare gulped as Spike continued on his way. “Oh you’ve really done it this time, Panic Station…” the mare murmured to herself. “Everyone is going to think I’m speciesist and then I’ll have to move away and change my name…” Panic Station frowned as her eyes widened and pupils shrank to pin-pricks. “But then I’ll probably botch singing my new name on a lease to the house I’m moving into and then everypony THERE will think you’re illiterate and then I’ll be out on the streets and …”
-ooooo-
Spike walked quickly back to the library, taking care to make sure the box wasn’t jostled too much. As much as he wanted to get the supplies to Twilight in a hurry to mitigate any damage he had likely already done to her schedule, the idea of breaking something that sent him back to the store was rather terror inducing at this point.
Before long, the baby dragon was back at the library. He opened the front door and immediately began his apology. “I’m sorry I’m late Twilight, but you see, I ran into Applejack, and I accidentally ruined a pie she made, and this caused her to bleed, so…”
“DOWN HERE!” Twilight called.
Spike swallowed as he grabbed the box and made his way towards the libraries stairs that would take him down into the basement. As soon as he caught sight of Twilight, he relaunched his apology. “I’m sorry I’m late Twilight, but you see, I ran into Applejack, and…” Spike furrowed his brow and frowned. “Are those… your test tubes and beakers?”
Twilight floated a pipette over a beaker full of dark blue liquid and dropped a tiny amount of green into it. “Yep,” Twilight replied, looking at the dragon through a pair of protective goggles. “I found them a little after you left.”
The liquid and Twilight’s beaker began to turn a neon yellow color and it bubbled slightly. Twilight sat the beaker on the table next to a set of more equipment and trotted over to Spike. “Why don’t you just keep that set?”
“You mean it?” Spike said, surprised that Twilight wasn’t punishing him, let alone giving him a gift. Though, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do with a set of beakers and test tubes.
Twilight smiled and nodded as the liquid in the beaker behind her began to bubble up out of its container and onto the table, “Sure! Go ahead.”
Spike beamed as he suddenly grew a few inches in height.
‘FWOSH!’
‘KRRISSHSSSS!’
Twilight and Spike focused their attention on the table Twilight was working on as her experiment suddenly caught fire. Her lab equipment began to shatter as black smoke poured from her work area.
“Whoops…” Twilight said. “Looks like I’ll be needing that equipment, after all…” Twilight said as she floated the box out of Spike’s grasp.
“Aww, man…” The baby dragon said as he shrank back down to his previous height.
“Could you clean up that fiery mess of chemicals and noxious fumes, Spike?” Twilight asked. “I’m going to go seal off the lab from the rest of the library. We don’t want any smoke damage on the books,” she explained. She made her way up the stairs. “Knock on the door when you’re done,” Twilight said.
Spike’s eyes began to water up as Twilight made her way out of the basement. “But… what if I can’t knock?!”
“Spike! Don’t be absurd! You have a fully functional pair of arms and claws and if at least one is working you’ll be able to knock!” Twilight insisted.
“Well, can I at least borrow your safety gog…”
‘SLAM!’
Spike sighed. “Never mind…”
-ooooo-
‘Knock, knock.’
Twilight opened the door to the basement revealing Spike who started off into open space with veiny red eyes as smoke black smoke wafted up. The baby dragon held up what was once a cleaning rag, but was now a tiny piece of burnt and melted fabric.
“Fa… finished…” Spike announced as he fell forward and face planted on the floor in front of Twilight.
Twilight peered past the fallen dragon into the now spotless lab that seemed to sparkle and shine under the light.
Twilight smiled down at Spike. “Good work Spike, Thank you.”
Spike flopped over onto his back, his tongue hung out of his mouth, now swollen and purple. “Ya…yooouur Wellcoome…” Spike uttered through his swollen tongue.
Twilight’s looked down in concern. “Spike, you don’t look so good… maybe you should get some air…”
“Tha…thaat swoound liike a goold idea…”
“… in the kitchen.” Twilight finished. “The CMC are coming over for ‘Twilight Time’ and I need you to whip up a snack.”
“Buut…” Spike began to protest.
“No ‘buts’!” Twilight said sternly. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you took a few hours over your allotted time to get the lab equipment. You’re just lucky I was able to find my old equipment.”
Spike frowned and wearily got back up onto his feet. “Naawchwos owkay?”
Twilight nodded. “That would be acceptable.”
Spike trudged off towards the kitchen.
-ooooo-
“How are the nachos coming, Spike?” Twilight asked. “The girls will be here any minute!”
Spike rolled his eyes as he arranged cheese covered chips on a plate and simply gave Twilight a claw thumbs up.
“Good work Spike,” Twilight said.
‘Knock, knock.’
“Oh! That must be them!” Twilight said as she trotted out of the kitchen into the
Spike took in another deep breath of clean, non-toxic, air as he poured a bit of salsa into a tiny bowl. The swelling on his tongue had gone down, his scales had stopped smoldering, and his eyes no longer felt like they were burning.
Spike smiled at his modest plate of food and headed back out to the main, circular hall of the library.
“Come on in, everypony!” Spike heard Twilight say as he walked into the room. “Spike made nachos!”
Perfect timing! Spike thought as he walked into the center of the large, circular room. Spike turned towards the door and smiled as he held up the plate of still steaming chips. To his surprise, the room was full of colts and fillies all unusually excited to be at the library.
“Turns out we’ll need some more than that,” Twilight said as she glanced at Spike.
Spike looked at his small plate of nachos with a dejected look, uttered a small sigh, and trudged back towards the kitchen. Of course more ponies would show up to cause more work for me! Great, now I’ll have to pick up more chips and cheese. Spike sat the plate of chips down and scowled out of a window into the bright Ponyville day.
Spike took a chip and ate it, but with far less excitement than one would normally associate with the action. Maybe I should just call it quits for the day… It’s just been one headache after the other… He sighed to himself as he considered the room full of foals. Naw, Twilight and everypony else is being crazier than usual, but that doesn’t mean I should throw in the towel. Spike smiled to himself as he headed for the back entrance to the Library. That’s what I’ll do… I’m going to make the biggest, most awesome, most delicious pile of nachos ever, and then everypony will taste them and be happy, and it’ll be just what I need to turn this day around…
-ooooo-
“Yes! This is it!” Spike cried to himself as he added the final layer of cheese, salsa, jalapeno peppers, sour cream, and refried beans to a pile of topping covered chips that was easily twice as large as the dragon himself. “Nacho tower is a success!” he said nodding to himself in satisfaction. He quickly walked down off the step ladder he had used to help construct his giant tower of cheese and chips. “Now to present out to that army of foals and brighten up everypony’s day!”
Spike lifted the plate piled high with chips and off the ground and began the long, arduous journey with the heavy, unwieldy pile back towards the main room. He swayed from side to side as he balanced the tower out of the kitchen. After a couple of close calls and continuing walking with the pile despite the aching sensation in his legs, Spike brought the mammoth pile of chips back into the main room of the library. With a couple of strained grunts he dropped the pile. Tired, but pleased with himself he motioned to the giant pile and looked out into…
…An apple sauce covered library, Twilight, and the CMC. Spike’s eyes went wide as his pupils shrank. He quickly scanned the library to see if he was at least missing a few foals…
“Oh, come on!” Spike cried as he threw his hands up in frustration and scowled off into space.
“So uh… Spike…” Twilight began tentatively.
Spike gave out an exasperated sigh. “I’ll get the mop…”
After a lengthy bout of cleaning the library again followed by dumping most of his towering masterpiece into the garbage, Spike watched as the CMC donned disguises and walked back out into Ponyville.
Twilight giggled to herself as she watched the girls go and turned to Spike and floated a copy of her large schedule over to her. “Alright, so next is…”
“I think I’ve hit my quota for crazy pony shenanigans for the day, Twilight,” Spike interrupted.
Twilight looked surprised as she looked at Spike. “Wha… crazy?! That seems a little harsh, don’t you…”
“IS THAT A FRESH BATCH OF GARBAGE NACHOS?!” The two heard Pinkie cry from outside. “Looks like everything’s coming up Pinkie Pie!”
Spike folded his arms and narrowed his eyes as the sounds of Pinkie Pie happily scarfing down a garbage can full of nachos emanated from outside the library.
Twilight’s lower lip began to quibble slightly. “But… who will make Twilight dinner just the way she likes it?”
Spike rolled his eyes. “There’s a perfectly good pile of nachos outside in the garbage can if you like.”
“NOT NO MORE, THERE AIN’T!” Pinkie called from outside. “You FAT CATS didn’t finish your nachos! Now they’re mine!”
Twilight puffed out her lower lip further and pointed towards the direction Pinkie Pie had just spoken from.
“Twilight, ever since I got up… early I might add, I done nothing but clean, cook, and help ponies with their random, sometimes soul destroying tasks. I think I deserve a little break.”
Twilight glanced between her schedule and Spike. Her eyes darting rapidly between the two as beads of sweat began to form on her face. She sighed and threw the schedule behind her. “Alright, Spike… I guess I have already pushed you a little hard today.”
“A little?!” Spike exclaimed.
“Why don’t you take a break, maybe read some comics or something, and I’ll try the next task on my list without you,” Twilight said.
Spike cocked an eyebrow. “You mean it? You’ll be able to get by without me for a little bit?”
Twilight nodded and smiled. “Well, it’ll be a little rough without my number one assistant, but I’m sure I’ll figure something out…”
“Well, if you’re sure…”
Twilight nodded. “I’m sure Spike… go… take some time and relax.”
“Well… alright…” Spike said as he made his way upstairs towards his and Twilight’s shared sleeping area. He grabbed a stack of comics off a shelf as he made his way to his basket and sat them down next to it. Spike laid down in his basket and pulled the first comic off the stack. He opened it and began reading it.
Soon he was engrossed in what he was reading, laughing, cringing, and making a myriad of different faces as he thumbed through the pages.
‘SsshhhZZZZAP!’
Spike glanced up for a second as he noticed a bright purple glow from downstairs and a loud noise, undoubtedly from Twilight casting a spell. He shrugged and went back to reading his comic.
“AHHHH!” Twilight called out in alarm.
Spike looked up with an irritated expression.
“SPIKE! SPIKE! SPIKE! SPIKE!” Twilight began to call out, each cry of ‘Spike!’ more frantic than the last.
Spike furrowed his brow and buried his face in his comic.
“GRRRRAAAAAAHHGHHGHGH!”
Spike sighed and put down his comic as he heard the deep, low, throaty roar emanate from the library floor. Begrudgingly, he got out of his basket and made his way downstairs.
“What now?” Spike asked in an exasperated tone.
“I’M TRYING NOT TO BE EATEN BY A MULTI-TENTACLE, OWL MONSTER!” Twilight cried as a giant, tan and brown, round, large eyed, bird monster attempted to pull her into its large beak via the dozens of long, snakelike tentacles it had wrapped around her appendages and wings. Twilight’s horn and the tentacles glowed purple as the alicorn struggled to pull them off her and keep her from being pulled into his beak.
“And you need me to do… what, exactly?” Spike asked as he folded his arms.
Twilight desperately motioned to a book that was lying open, face down on the floor. “Just bring that book up to me so I can see it…”
“Well why don’t you just use your magic to do that?” Spike asked snidely.
“BECAUSE I’M USING MY TELEKINESIS TO KEEP ME FROM BEING EATEN!” Twilight explained.
“Okay then, why don’t you just get Owlowiscious to get the book?” Spike asked.
“THE MONSTER IS OWLOWISCIOUS!” Twilight exclaimed as she quickly reared her head back out of the reach of a tentacle and shot a quick magic blast at it.
“Alright, I’ll bite,” Spike said. “Why’d you turn Owlowiscious into a multi-tentacled monstrocity?”
“I WAS JUST TRYING TO GIVE HIM A FEW MORE APPENDAGES SO HE COULD HELP ME A LITTLE BETTER! I DIDN’T KNOW HE’D GROW IN SIZE AND TRY TO EAT ME!” Twilight exclaimed.
“So once again, you need your number one slave to clean up one of your messes,” Spike said in a huff.
“SPIKE! I MIGHT DIE HERE! WHY ARE YOU BRINGING THIS UP NOW?!” Twilight cried as the tentacles began to drag her closer to the maw of the owl beast.
“Well, when else are we going to talk about it!?” Spike cried as he threw his hands to the side.
Twilight swallowed. “Alright Spike… I’m… I’m really sorry I don’t always appreciate you as much as I should… and-AH!” Twilight’s horn briefly glowed purple before she blasted another tentacle as it reached out for her. “… uh… I know I’m not the easiest pony to live with and can get caught up in my studies and experiments and don’t always think about my friends and family the way I should…” Twilight’s eyes widened as one of the tentacles made it around her neck, she swallowed hard “…but there are times when I really and truly need your help… Like right NOW for instance.”
Spike stopped and thought about this. “Can I sleep in tomorrow?”
“You can sleep through the entire DAY!” Twilight cried.
“Can I take an extra-long bubble bath tonight?”
“Yes! PLEASE! The book…”
Spike tapped a claw against his chin. “Aaaand… you’ll buy me a gas mask for when I need to clean the lab?”
“I’LL GET YOU THE BEST HAZMAT SUIT EQUESTRIA HAS TO OFFER!” Twilight cried as she strained with all her might against the beast. “JUST GET MET ME THE BOOK!” she exclaimed as the monsters beak began to open wide, Twilight only inches away from it.
“Alright, Twilight,” Spike said happily. “Apology accepted.” Spike hopped off onto the floor and sprinted for the book. He grabbed it and held it open for Twilight to see.
Twilight feverously scanned the book with her eyes. Her horn glowed a bright purple as the beast’s beak began to close down around her head.
There was a bright purple flash and Spike uttered a startled “WHA!” as a shockwave knocked him off his feet and into a shelf of books. He covered his face and head as books fell down around him. “Twa…Twilgiht?” Spike called out in a concerned tone as he pulled an open book off his face.
“OW!” Twilight exclaimed. She looked down cross-eyed at her muzzle to see Owlowiscious viciously biting down on her snout. With a purple glow the owl was removed. Twilight chuckled nervously at the tan owl who hooted angrily at her and flew up into the library.
Twilight sighed and shook her head. “Guess I’ll need to apologies to him as well…” She looked up towards Spike who had curled his claws up into fists and was resting them on his waist as he scowled at Twilight with narrowed eyes.
“Uh… Thank you Spike…” Twilight said sheepishly. “Aaand… I’m sorry about today…” she offered.
“No more schedules where the only way I can catch up on my sleep is powernap for a few minutes or less?” Spike asked as he cocked an eyebrow.
Twilight nodded. “I’ll make sure my day is better scheduled than that…”
“And you’ll remember you have magic and an owl instead of asking me to do every little thing?” Spike asked.
Twilight nodded. “I shall do my best.”
Spike sighed and rolled his eyes. “Alright, fine…” he said he opened his arms wide.
Twilight smiled as a purple glow enveloped Spike.
“Whoa!” Spike cried as he flew forward in Twilight’s embrace.
“Oh, ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!” Twilight cried as she enthusiastically nuzzled the young dragon.
Spike chuckled. “Hehehe… alright! You’re forgiven! You’re forgiven!” he cried as he attempted to escape Twilight’s embrace.
Twilight released the Spike. “Well, I think you’ve earned yourself a little Spike ti…” Twilight looked down at her stomach as it made a small growling noise and frowned. She tentatively looked back up at Spike with a pleading look on her face.
Spike sighed, but smiled at Twilight. “After I’ve made dinner, I take it?”
Twilight put on her best puppy-dog look and nodded at Spike. “Yes, please.”
“Oh, alright...” Spike said.
“You’re the best, Spike,” Twilight said with a warm smile.
Spike chuckled to himself. “Hehe, yeah… I know.”
The End
It’s Not Easy Being Green… and Purple
Bonus Chapter 1: Pinkie Buys a Carpet
Pinkie Buys a Carpet-ooooooo-
The interior of Lab Supplies and Carpet Emporium looked much like many shops in Ponyville. Light yellow painted walls with wood framings round the windows and large beams acting as support, a shop counter, a dull green floor. The owner clearly had done little in the way of altering the interior. In fact, except for the odd display of lab equipment, the store was pretty barren, even sterile without a hint of dust or hair.
From behind the counter Panic Station stared at the entrance pensively. Of course, this wasn’t unusual. Panic Station spent most her time staring at the door to the ship and fretting about what might come through. I mean, Almost 95 percent of the time, well technically, 94.66 with the 6 repeating, it’s a pony or ponies in need of a carpet that come through that door to either by or browse. However, there’s a 3.33 with the 3 repeating chance that it’s a pony or ponies in need of lab equipment. And that leaves a one in fifty chance that it’ll be a customer here to return something. Panic Stations ears flopped down around her head. She tried to make returns as painless as possible, but her nervous eagerness to make sure the customer was pleased usually dragged things out until she was screaming, crying, hiding under the counter, or some combination of the three.
Still none of those option where particularly frightening to the lavender mare with emerald green eyes, a short, orange-brown tail and mane tied up in a braid that dangled to the left side of her head. Panic Station glanced nervously at her braid. Loose hair could be dangerous, you know… you could be running from something and then the wind could blow your hair into your face, and then you wouldn’t see where you were going then you’d trip and crack your head on the rock or get caught by whatever was chasing you… No, what scared her was that something out of the ordinary would burst through those doors. Ok, so, statistically… 100% of the time whoever comes through that door is here for shop related business… But we’re down to our last carpet and won’t have any more for the rest of the day! Panic Station’s lips pulled down into a frown as she glanced at the rolled up, yellow carpet behind her. So unless a pony specifically needs a canary yellow carpet, there’s a 96.66 with the 6 repeating chance that it’s going to be some pony who’s upset with the store!
Beads of sweat began to form on the young mare’s face. And what if an anomaly shows up! What if someone or somethingcomes through that door and wants to kill me?! I mean… we live right nextto the Everfree forest! A pack of timberwolves could just wander into town and start eating ponies! Panic Station gulped. And I smell particularly tasty to timberwolves! I mean… I’ve done studies…
‘SLAM!’
“AH!” Panic Station yelped as the door to the store flew open.
“AH!” Pinkie Pie yelped as she threw open the door to the store.
Panic Station instinctively ducked behind the counter and covered he head with her forearms.
“Oh my gosh! OH MY GOSH!” Pinkie Pie cried as she galloped up to the counter and peered over it. “PANIC STATION, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!”
Panic Station parted her arms and looked up, peering into Pinkie’s sky-blue eyes with her fearful emerald colored ones. “Ma…me?” she stammered out.
Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “I HAVE A CARPET EMERGENCY!” she shrieked.
“Ca… carpet emergency?” Panic Station uttered. “Have… have all the carpets in Ponyville come to life and started wrapping themselves around ponies?! Smothering them to death in their constricting threads?!”
Pinkie’s desperate expression turned panicky. “Can… can that happen? Can carpets come to life?”
“Well… maybe…” Panic Station said. “I mean… there’s been studies…”
Pinkie pointed to the canary yellow carpet rolled up behind Panic Station. “That carpet hasn’t come to life.”
“EEP!” Panic Station cried as she dove to the other side of the counter. She placed her forehooves against the side of her head and began trembling as she leaned against the front of the counter.
Pinkie peered down at the quaking mare with a quizzical expression. “What’s wrong?”
“What if…” Panic station swallowed, “… what if the carpet is trying to lure us into a false sense of security?”
Pinkie glanced at the carpet and shifted slightly away from it with a fearful expression. “Can they do that?” she whispered.
“Maybe?” Panic Station said. “I mean… can we risk it?”
“Well… I mean… I do still have my carpet emergency,” Pinkie said as she joined Panic Station in huddling behind the counter.
Panic Station looked up at Pinkie “Is it worth being smothered by a carpet?”
“Well, you see, some stallion walked into my store and asked if the carpets matched the drapes.”
Panic Station gulped. “And did they?!”
Pinkie gave Panic Station a worried look and shook her head. “No!”
“Oh no! That is an emergency!” Panic Station declared.
Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “I know, right?! Some pony might see that the carpets don’t match the drapes and get confused!”
“And if they get confused the might become irate!” Panic Station added.
“And if they become irate, then then they might get angry!” Pinkie said.
Panic Station’s eyes widened as her pupils shrank to pinpricks. “And other ponies might see that the mismatching carpets and drapes and THEY might get angry!”
Pinkie gasped. “And then Sugarcube corner will be full of angry customers!”
Panic Station put her forehooves up to her mouth. “And then they might get so angry that they set fire to the drapes and carpet!”
Pinkie gasped. “And then no pony will be able to get their baked goods!”
Panic Station slowly moved her hooves up to the sides of her head. “And then there’ll be more angry ponies!”
“A town FULL of them!” Pinkie declared.
“And then they might riot!” Panic Station cried.
“And then all of Ponyville will be destroyed!” Pinkie shrieked.
Panic station swallowed hard and slowly raised herself back up. She placed her forearms on the counter and peered over it at the yellow carpet. “Okay, so… we need to make sure that carpet won’t smother us…”
“Maybe one of us can go up and poke it?” Pinkie suggested.
“But what that’s what it wants us to do?!” Panic Station cried as she looked down at Pinkie. “It could be waiting for one of us to touch us and that’s when it wraps itself around us!”
“Oh-no!” Pinkie replied. She dwelled on the dilemma a bit. “Well… what if I went outside and got a long stuck to poke it with?”
Panic Station gasped. “But sticks are covered in bacteria!”
“Uh… I can wash my hooves when I’m done?” Pinkie suggested
“It’s too risky!” Panic Station declared.
Pinkie puffed her lower lip out in a pout. “But I really need that carpet! It’s the right color and everything!”
“It is?”
Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously.
Panic Station pursed her lips. “I have an idea!”
“Oh goody, goody, gumdrops with whipped cream on top!” Pinkie said as she clapped her hooves together. “What is it?”
“I’ll grab a burette and poke it with that!”
“YAY!” Pinkie cried. “Uh… you’re going to poke it with a hat?”
“No! Not a ‘berr-ay’ a ‘burette’! It’s a long tube that you use for controlled dropping of chemicals.”
“Oh… how is that better than a stick?” Pinkie asked sheepishly.
“Well, it’s fresh out of the box, so it’s sterile.”
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “You mean it can’t have children?” she asked sadly.
“NO!” Panic Station huffed out. “It means it doesn’t have any germs on it, or anything…”
“Oh! Okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully.
Panic Station gulped. “There’s just one problem, though…”
Pinkie frowned, “Yeah…?”
“The door to the back is past the carpet…”
Pinkie depleted the oxygen from the space in front of her with a loud gasp. “Hwuuuuuu! So what are we going to do?!”
Panic Station began to shake. “I don’t… I don’t know…”
Pinkie tapped a forehoof against her chin thoughtful. “Hey! What if I distracted the carpet?” she suggested.
“You’d do that…? For me?” Panic Station asked hopefully.
Pinkie nodded. “Totally! I’m great at distracting.”
Panic Station smiled weakly and nodded. “Alright… on the count of three…”
“One…”
“Two…”
Panic Station gulped. “Two and a half…”
“Three!” Pinkie cried enthusiastically as she jumped up.
“WHAT?! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” Panic Station screamed as she broke into a gallop, she quickly rounded the corner and headed towards the carpet.
“Hey carpet! Look at me!” Pinkie cried as she waved her forearms about in the air. She place a hoof against her snout, giving it a more pig like appearance and began to flick her tongue in and out of her mouth rapidly. “Lalalalalalalala…!”
Panic Station quickly dashed by the carpet and threw open the door it was resting next to.
The shop went silent.
“Uhhh… are you okay back there?” Pinkie asked.
“Ya… huff… yeah…” Panic Station replied from the back room. “Just… puff… catching my breath…”
Soon a long, transparent tube that with a pipette like attachment tentatively and shakily emerged from the back room. It slowly approached the carpet.
“There! You almost got it!” Pinkie said excitedly.
The burette inched forward.
“Almost… almost there…” Pinkie said.
The burette millimetered forward.
“Uh… just a little more…” Pinkie said as she knitted her brow.
The burette micrometered forward.
“JUST POKE THE DUMB CARPET ALREADY!” Pinkie shrieked.
“WHAAAA!” Panic Station quickly thrust the long tube forward and jabbed the carpet.
The carpet did nothing.
Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief.
“Is it… is it safe?” Panic Station asked.
“It’s safe!” Pinkie assured.
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely!” Pinkie said.
“I won’t be smothered by a carpet?”
“Noper!”
Panic Station slowly exited the back room and positioned herself back behind the counter.
“I’d like to purchase that carpet, please!” Pinkie said with a smile.
Panic Station smiled back. “That’ll be 34 bits, please!”
Pinkie dug a fat coin purse out of her mane, opened it, and counted out 34 bits. “Here you go!”
Panic Station cheerfully collected the amount then stood on her hind legs grabbed the carpet in her arms. She tilted the carpet onto to the counter.
Pinkie helped the lavender mare load the canary yellow carpet onto her back.
“Oh wait!” Panic Station said. “Do you need a receipt?! You know… in case anything is wrong with the carpet.”
Pinkie grinned. “Like it tries to smother me?”
Panic Station’s expression turned nervous. “Uh… well… I’ll just give you a refund if it does that… please don’t bring it back if it comes to life.”
Pinkie chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s fine. Besides, I’m sure you won’t forget me.”
Panic Station’s face suddenly went serious and she tilted her head down slightly, casting dark shadows over her face. “I never forget!”
Pinkie giggled. “Okayee then! Have a nice dayee!”
Panic Station waved to the pink mare as Pinkie opened the door to the store and bounded out into the bright, Ponyville day.
Panic Station smiled to herself. Great! That was the last carpet for the day… She frowned. Wait… but there’s still a 94.66 with 6 repeating chance that if anypony comes in, they’ll want to buy or look at a carpet….
Panic Station flinched as the door opened up revealing Ponyville’s resident baby dragon.
Spike looked at Panic Station with a somewhat desperate look on his face.
Panic Station pulled a face at Spike as if she was simultaneously apologizing and wincing at the same time. “Sorry… just sold the last one to that pink mare who is happy beyond all reason. Uh… what’s her name…” The mare frowned. “Oh, Celestia, do I have amnesia?! No wait, it’s Pinkie Pie!” the mare said with a smile.
Spike pulled his lips out in a panicked grimace and bolted out the door.
“Huh…” Panic Station said to herself as the dragon ran off. “That’s the first non-pony that’s ever been in here… I’ll have to completely redo my calculations…”
End Bonus chapter 1
