Rainbow Dash opened the door to Twilight's tree-house, carefully stepping inside.

"Hey Twilight I'm he-" she stopped when she saw all of her friends, as well as a creepy mystery-pony smiling at her,"uh, what the Shrek is going on here?"

At the mention of the word "Shrek" all of Rainbow's friends gasped, and Fluttershy started crying. Pinkie Pie patted her back, giving her a shoulder to lean on.

"Hello Rainbow Dash,"said the creepy pone,"my name is Ontological Empiricism, and this is an intervention."

"An intervention for what?"

"I think it'd be better if your friends told you. You have a lot of people here who just love you to death, alright, now they're gonna say a few things, and you're gonna say a few things, and at the end of this we'll all feel a lot better. Sound good?"

"Sure," Rainbow said as she cautiously took a seat.

"Alright,"replied Ontological Empiricism, the disturbing Mr.Rogers smile never leaving his stupid-retard face,"now who'd like to start?"

Rarity stepped forward, her bedazzled handkerchief floating next to her.

"Rainbow Dash, you have an addiction, an addiction that's hurting your friends. Every day I see you, your condition gets worse. It's changed the way you talk, the way you act, and even the way you make love to us in our weekly orgies."she blew her nose,"I know that this has to be hard on you, it's been hard on all of us. Harder, dare I say, than beating Sun Tzu when playing as William Wallace in the unfairly underrated Deadliest Warrior: Legends for the Xbox 360."

Everyone in the room, save for Ontological Empiricism, gasped at what Rarity said, then, one by one, they nodded in agreement.

"Well Rainbow Dash, do you have anything to say?"asked Ontological Empiricism.

Rainbow Dash thought for a bit about what her friend had said.

"It's true that Deadliest Warrior: Legends is super underrated, yes, technically speaking it's absolutely godawful, but it's really fun to play and laugh at with friends, and, honestly isn't that the point of video games? Having fun? It's also true that beating Sun Tzu as William Wallace is really fucking hard, one could say that its almost as hard as being the only one in Ponyville who bought a Wii U!"Rainbow Dash's friends looked around the room like idiots, scratching their heads in embarrassment,"seriously, fuck you guys, the Wii U is amazing."

"Yeah,"replied Twilight Sparkle,"but it has no games."

Now she'd done it, Twilight Sparkle had made the dumbest mistake ever. She'd dissed Nin-fucking-tendo.

"Oh, I'm sorry,"replied a furious Rainbow Dash,"I didn't realize that Super Smash U, Mario Kart 8, two fucking Legend of Zelda games, Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate, Super Mario 3D World, New Super Mario Bros. U, ZombiiU, and Nintendo World equated to no games. I guess I must've failed math or something."

"Oh come off it, Rainbow Dash,"interjected Applejack,"everyone knows that Nintendo is a fish with no water, on the verge of death."

Rainbow Dash turned to Applejack and pimp slapped her right across the jaw,"They are not!"she screamed,"They have billions of dollars in the bank, no debt, and are literally worth more than all of Sony. They've been around since the late eighteen-hundreds, and they single-handedly revived the gaming market, and revolutionized it for thirty years afterwards. They aren't going anywhere!

"Guys,"said a firm, but still calm and Mr.Rogers-esque Ontological Empiricism,"with all due respect, this isn't about which video game company is the best. Long live Kazuo Hirai, may his reign be fruitful. This is about Rainbow Dash's addiction."

"Actually,"said Rainbow Dash,"if I may be so bold, addiction to what?"

"You've got to be kidding me,"replied an oddly angry Pinkie Pie,"your sickeningly stupid Shrek lust obviously."

"Whoa, hey now,"said Rainbow Dash,"this isn't an addiction."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"asked Rarity,"just look at yourself! You've dyed your coat green, you eat onions constantly, every time you come across any sort of luck you pray to the 'almighty ogrelord,' heck, you're constantly wearing these ridiculous things,"Rarity flicked Rainbow Dash's fake Shrek ears for emphasis,"you've gone completely overboard, Rainbow Dash."

Rainbow Dash looked genuinely hurt,"This isn't some fad, Rarity, this is my religion, my way of life. I love Shrek, I hope to go to the Eternal Swamp someday, and live peacefully with my loving creator,"she said softly, with tears in her eyes,"and for the record, My name isn't Rainbow Dash anymore, it's Rainbogre Smashmouth."

Now it was Twilight's turn to be a total retarded bitch.

"Get a hold of yourself you idiot!"she screamed, slapping Rainbow Dash in a manner distinctly lacking in pimpish charm,"Shrek, isn't real!"

Suddenly, the smell of onions filled the room, coating every oxygen molecule in an odor so powerful that it choked all in the room but Rainbogre Smashmouth. A light knocking on the door was heard, and a booming voice with a Scottish accent emanated from every single corner of the library.

"Come to the door lasseh."

Rainbogre Smashmouth complied immediately, throwing the door open, bowing the instant she saw who it was. She cried tears of joy, not daring to look into the beautiful eyes of Shrek, her one true savior.

"Thank you so much, master."

Shrek smiled lovingly at the small, rainbow-brogre, patting her lightly on the head.

"That'll do pony, that'll do,"he said in a voice sweeter than honey, and with more layers than any non-brogre could comprehend. He kissed her on her toy Shrek ears, and they instantly became real, replacing her old pone-ears with magnificent wax-filled tube-ears that could both emanate and pick up on all ogre frequencies, and blocked out the falsehoods spouted by disgusting Faarquads.

Shrek turned to Twilight Sparkle, along with the rest of the Mane Six. All of them cowered in fear, for they had been tainted by the sins of Faarquad and Drek, and were therefore incapable of comprehending the many layers of Shrek's true form. All they saw was a Shrek-shaped ball of light that had enveloped Rainbogre Smashmouth, and was now slowly moving towards them.

"So," Shrek said to the Mane Six,"you think it's okay to mess with mah Brogres do yeh?"

The Mane Six huddled together, shivering in fear, for all they heard was the millions of sexual moans from all of the Brogres that Shrek had fucked over various eternities. Shrek merely rolled his eyes and clapped his hands, giving the Mane Six temporary ogre ears so that they could understand what he was saying.

"I said, do yeh Faarquads like messin' with meh Brogres."

"W-we're so s-sorry,"they all stuttered in unison, their drekness fully synchronized in the presence of Shrek's many layers.

Shrek grinned, he had their Faarquad frequencies completely in-synch, which would of course make destroying them much easier.

"Sorry?"Shrek repeated, his smile radiating layers like an extremely Oniony Chernobyl,"it's much to late for 'sorry' lassehs, you forgot to check yourselves, and now you've gone and Shreked yourselves."

Twilight stepped forward, shaking under the gravity of Shrek's presence. She was going to try a little diplomacy.

"Well surely you mu-" Twilight was cut off(her head that is) by Shrek's magnificent nine-meter Shrock penetrating her neck at the speed of light.

The rest of the pones, save for Rainbogre, who was furiously masturbating to the whole ordeal, and Ontological Empiricism, who was still just Mr.Rogersing at everything in sight, reeled back in horror, staring at the bloody, beheaded remains of their fallen friend.

However, they didn't react quite the way Shrek had shrexpected, rather than cry or beg for mercy, they started laughing maniacally like a bunch of people with pica at a Non-Edible Objects Convention.

"Do you realize what you've done?"they all asked simultaneously, their eyes glowing white.

"Aye, I've taken out a distressor of Brogres, a monster in my book,"Shrek got into a battle stance,"and I'm about to take out four more."

"I'm not the monster here, you are!"they all cried, as they started to melt into gross pools of dripping bones and flesh,"Y̜͓ͨ̓̎͒̎̊̚o̱͇̺̭̗͑ủͪ̂ͣ̔̇ ̻͍̗̥̱̥͚͑ȁ͔͋ͣ͒̿̅n͈̼͓̙̮̯ͩ͆̉͆̈̃ͭdͮ ̼̮̌ͅt̟h͙̬͙̐̈e͎̤͂̈́̑̓̑ͤ̏ ř̭̯̖̮̗̞̈ê̙͓ͣ͐̍s̥̜͔̭̫̟̠͉̽̑̈́̿̍̊͌ț̭̅̅͗̔ͯ̚ ̤̹̣͉̮ͯͧo̠̻̹̲͋͌͊͐ͅf̰̬̩̫ͨͪ̅͗ͦ̉ ̫̤͎̺̘͊t͇̘̹̲͚̄̾̿̐̐̃̓̍̔ͅh̤̤͈̯̖̻̿̉̃̈́a̩̻͇̦̍ͧͫ͑ͬ̈ͭ͂ͅͅť̠̱͎̬̩ͪ̀ͧ͗̑̃ͭ ̞͎̹ͤ̓F̭̤̥͎̣͉̦͍̞̍ͦ͐a̲͛ͥî̳̰̊͆̾̑̆r̖͙̠ͣ͛ͩ́y̙͔̮̹̮͚̼ͨt͈̞͖̯̋͂å͎͖̼̀l̠̪̭̳̝̎͋ͬe͎̗̤̟̖̯̟͉͚̓́ͤ̓ͭ ̞̼̪̺͍̥̤̼͌͗̉̎͊̿͊̉ͦṬ͖̉̇̿̓̈̍̔̿ͅr̻̒͐a͓̬̼̾ͤͦs̱̖̜̦̹͕̭ͩ̋̑ͦ̆̎̊h̠̬̥ͬͭ̊,͚͔̝͕͓͕͌͒ ̻̲̙͖̣̣̭̾ͭ̑̎̚p̭ͭͧ̾̊̌͋ͅǒ͍̲̮͖̣̤̪͆͆ͮ͒̚i͕̙̫̍̃s̞̖͓̦̪̺̗̋̏ͣ̅͒ȏ̞͋ͫ̇͌͆n̦̫͖̱̓ͦ́ͥ̒i̭̤̖̾ͧn̳͙̣̬̥͉͙̼ͧ̅̊ͯ͆ͥͤg͚͈̟̬̱̔͒́͌͌͛́ͅ ̝̬ͬ̎̅ͫͦ͒m̥̼̺̩͔̳̤̈́y̮̼͔̺̝̣̥̆̿͑ͯ͗ͅ P̬̬̟̘͕͈̗̩̗͎͙̠̻̰͚̳̠̰̗ͪͧͦͬ̏̈́ͪ̓̌̅͗ͩ̓̋̚E̮̜̺̱͇̼͓̺͈͇̩͈͍̜̟̬͋͋ͤ͑̅̑͛ͨ̽ͅͅR͕̪̤̗̟̥̣̠̗̗̜͛̎ͪͣͣ̈ͨ̈͋̔͛̾̈́͊̑̿̍̚̚F̞͚̞̪̽͌ͪ̉̉Ė̪͉̖̱̺̟͔͈͓̟̟ͫ̐̿ͥ͑͗ͬ́̆̎̄C͇̗̮͈̤̩̤̼̩̥͖̜͍͕͕͚̟̤̓̽̄̍͂̽̽̃̓̈̏̈́͋ͦ̚T͓͈̥̈̓͑ͮͯͤͮ̈́ ͙̪̣̝͉̟̪̪͖̟̗͕̫͇͈͙ͬ͑ͯ̄͒͒́̉͌̇͋͛ͅͅW͙̣̣̪ͭ̊ͬͥ̽͛͒ͪ̀̈́̉́̃ͣÒ͕̯̮͚͖̟͚̜̥̻̗̝̝̩̖̞̅̎ͫ͛̈́̓̒͋̂̓͌͂̚R̯̫̻͔͔̮̩̥̦̳̯̬̱ͧ̊̆̆̃͋ͨL̜̪̼̱̲̤͙̱̯̦̰͋ͪ̉͂̏D͈̱̬̦̩̖̙̬̫ͤ̎ͣ̽̔͆̅̊͌ͧ̌͛́̀!͎̙̫̪̦̥̬̿͑͋ͩ̌̂͋̾̾ͧ̐͌̍ͮͩ̚"

Slowly but surely, the puddles of putrescent pony putty wrapped around the gored remains of Twilight Sparkle, pulsating and writhing until they condensed into one hideous form.

"Faarquad," hissed Shrek with literal venom on his words.

"Yes Shrek,"said a cocky Faarquad as he pulled out his four-and-a-half meter Drick(Drek dick),"I've come to settle this petty feud between you and I, by killing you."

They both flew up into the air.

Shrek merely laughed,"Just look at your disgusting Drick laddeh, it's nowhere near as glorious as mine, and unlike me, you 'aven't even got the skills to handle it. You're Shrekked, kiddo."

Faarquad frowned,"shows what you know, I've been training with the Penis Monks of Hěn Yuǎn Hěn Yuǎn for the past thousand years. This is no longer going to be a Cock Competition, this is going to be a Member Massacre,"with that statement, Lord Faarquad lunged forward and punched Shrek in the face at more than twice light speed, covering twice the length of his dick in half the necessary time.

Shrek was astonished, there was simply no way that Faarquad had become this good with his penis,"Make no mistake laddeh, by the end of the day, my Shrock will skewer you with the fury of a million onions."

Shrek humped like a maniac, jabbing his dick with the ferocity of a chimpanzee ripping apart an old lady, but try as he might, Faarquad was simply 2fast4u, and was expertly dodging whilst getting in his own soft jabs and uppercuts. Shrek summoned all of his speed, thrusting forward like there was an autographed copy of Men in Black right in front of him. Faarquad simply scoffed and danced around Shrek's Shrock like a dick magician.

Unfortunately for Shrek, this power thrust left him completely at the mercy of Faarquad's Mega-cock Fu, and he was promptly roundhouse-dicked in the neck, and sent hurtling towards the ground. Before Shrek made contact with the dirt, however, Faarquad appeared beneath him, making that teleporting sound effect from Dragon Ball Z.

Faarquad wrapped his dick around Shrek's neck, and chode-slammed him into the dust.

"Hahahaha, now I'm going to finally fuck your butt,"laughed Faarquad as he fingered Shrek's asshole, stretching him for the impending midget-dicking. Suddenly however, Faarquad was flung into the air, and sent crashing through a wall.

"Nobody buttfucks my ogrelord," said a teary-eyed Rainbogre Smashmouth. She looked down at Shrek's unconscious body and burst out into a full-on sob,"how Shrek? How could such a disgusting Faarquad do this to you?"

Rainbogre gasped as she felt a hoof on her shoulder, she turned and her eyes grew wide.

"Donkey?"

He merely looked at her forlornly,"You know what you have to do."

Rainbogre cried harder, but nodded. She sulked over to Shrek, and kissed his Shrock. A bright glow engulfed both of them, and they floated into the air. Rainbogre's ears dissolved into pure energy, and her mane and coat lost their greenish hue. The energy manifested itself into an onion.

"Get up Shrek,"screamed the angry onion, in a gruff. but lovable voice,"get up you son of a bitch!"

Shrek opened his eyes, as all of Rainbogre's layers flowed into him, restoring him to his former glory.

He stood up, and once again smiled at Rainbogre, patting her on the head.

"That'll do pony, that'll do,"he lovingly said.

Rainbogre weeped more, for she no longer had the amount of layers required to view and understand Shrek. All she heard was sexual moans, and all she saw was a bright green light.

Shrek sympathized with her, and let out a few more sexual moans.

"He said that despite your lack of layers, your sacrifice today has earned you your spot in the Eternal Swamp, rest now, child,"explained Donkey. Rainbogre smiled, and thanked her loving Ogrelord.

"Now Donkeh, ah believe we have a wee little Faarquad teh take care of," said Shrek, his Scottish accent in full bloom. Together they charged the recovering Faarquad, both jamming their incredible, glowing dicks through his head. Faarquad's body exploded, especially his Drick, and he totally died forever.

Rainbow Dash, no longer Rainbogre due to her lack of layers, sat next to her victorious God and nuzzled his glowing form. The touch burned her very soul, as she was still riddled with faarquaditty, but she didn't care, she needed to congratulate her ogrelord.

"Congratulations my lord, I'm glad that this whole ordeal is finally ogre."

Shrek smiled at her, and released a shit-ton more sexual moans.

"He said, 'it's not ogre yet, lassie, it's ogre, when I say it's ogre," explained Donkey.

Author's Note

If the Mane Six are out of character my excuse is that they were Faarquad the whole time.