"You Mess With Derpy, You Mess With All of Us."
Let's Get Ready to Rumble
The quiet clop of hooves on stone slowly grew closer. In the complete silence, it reverberated through the caves.
Soon, a pony walked into view. Not just any pony, but the pony that he hated most. He hated everything about her, from her plainly brushed mane to her efficiently groomed coat. He hated her spiraled horn. He hated her wings. He hated her feathers. He hated her perfect teeth. He hated her bright, sparkling eyes. He hated pink. He hated lavender. He hated purple. He hated her cutie mark. He hated the very ground she walked on.
Also, he hated her knees. Ungainly things, they were.
“Have you come to lecture me again, Princess?” Tirek spat, holding his head high and meeting Twilight’s gaze.
“No, not this time.” Twilight walked closer with a methodical gait, her face lacking emotion.
Baring his teeth, he grabbed the bars of his cages and leaned forward. “Then are you here to gloat?
“I wouldn’t think of it.” The slightest hint of a frown turned down the corners of Twilight’s mouth.
“Why then, are you here?” He waved his arm around at the jagged spires of Tartus.
“Do you really want to know?” she asked slowly, her teeth flashing in the dim light.
“Why not? I have nothing else to do.” He pressed his face up against the bars of his cage and gripped tighter, digging his claws into the metal.
“We’ve come to talk about Derpy.” As she spoke, shadows of her friends emerged and slowly began coalescing into living beings.
“You mess with Derpy, you mess with all of us.” She lit up her horn, the purple light enveloping a nearby nail bat, as her friends, brandishing various other weapons, surrounded the cage.
Tirek smiled. “You don’t have the nerve to hurt me. You wouldn’t hurt a helpless—”
Twilight’s hoof flew towards his face and almost connected with his jaw; only by his quick action did he avoid it. “You don’t talk. You talk when we say you can, not before.”
His eyes widened as he stumbled backward. “You almost hit me. You almost hit a helpless prisoner. What’s gotten in to you? ”
Eyes glinting, Rarity twirled her bonesaw idly as she spoke. “Darling, you are going to wish that’s all that’s gotten into us.”
“W-what do you want from me?” he asked, looking around at the ponies.
“Apologize to Derpy, and we all get what we want,” said Rainbow, waving a white-hot poker in front of her, the heat distorting her face.
Tirek turned forward to face Twilight and saw that a grey pegasus with a blonde mane and crooked eyes was seated nearby. She tossed a piece of popcorn into her mouth and waved at him.
“I will make no apologies for my actions,” he grunted, backing up until he was in the middle of the cage.
“That’s not very nice of you,” said Fluttershy, snapping her neck forward. Tirek flinched as her cat o’ nine tails whistled past his ear.
“Ya need to confess—look at me when I’m talkin’ to you, Tirek!” shouted Applejack, slamming her sledgehammer into the ground and cracking the hardened stone.
He quickly swiveled until he faced her.
“Look into mah eyes. I’m the Element of Honesty, and we are going to make you pay.” Her voice was dead, as were her eyes.
Tirek shivered imperceptibly: that was a look one gave to a maggot under ones hoof.
“Oh yes yes yes yes yes! It’s going to be so much fun when you pay for what you’ve done!” cheered Pinkie; she twirled the wickedly sharp halberd grasped in her hoof. “Won’t it be fun?”
With a flare of Twilight’s horn, the walls of his cage fell away, leaving him completely exposed, but still cuffed at the wrists and ankles.
“You aren’t actually thinking of going through with this, are you?” He could barely get the words out of his mouth without stumbling over them.
“Darling, please,” tittered Rarity. “Of course not.” A wide grin that showed too many teeth stretched from cheek to cheek. “We are going to do this.”
“Remember, all you have to do is apologize to Derpy, and this can all go away,” cooed Fluttershy, smiling gently.
“N-never. You won’t break me!” shouted Tirek, his gaze sweeping from side to side. “I am Lord Tirek, and you are—”
“Attack!” screamed Twilight.
Dropping their weapons, the six mares surrounding Tirek let out chilling wails and charged forwards, the cave suddenly filled with the sound of thundering hooves
He didn’t even have time to think before they were upon him; he squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face in his hands.
After a few moments of not feeling intense pain, he cautiously lifted his head and looked around himself.
“What?” He blinked rapidly, but their positions didn’t change.
Twilight and her friends were not attacking him; instead, they were pressed up against his sides, their forelegs wrapped around him.
A particular warmth slowly spread from the contact. Their coats felt silky against his rough pelt, and as they rubbed themselves on him, he shook violently. “What is this?” he yelled, attempting to free himself, but with ponies sitting on each of his legs, he stayed firmly buried in cuddles.
“Now!” shouted Twilight.
“Wha—”
Fluttershy nuzzled his right cheek while Rarity moved in on the other side, and their combined nuzzles forced Tirek’s head forward.
Muscles straining, he grunted and groaned, but in his weakened and cuffed state, the ponies felt heavier than stone.
His eyes darted around wildly, but eventually, they came to rest on the object in the middle of his vision: Derpy.
She was sitting on the ground in front of him with a genuine smile on her face, her eyes pointing in opposite directions.
“Apologize!” yelled Twilight.
“Never!” he screamed.
“Apologize!”
“Never!”
With each consecutive rejection, Derpy’s grin fell.
“Apologize!”
“Never!”
“Apologize!”
“Never!”
“Apologize!”
“Never!”
While tears welled in her eyes, Derpy’s lips quivered, and her ears fell flat against her head.
“Apologize!”
“N-never!”
He winced, expecting another shout, but when none came, he breathed a sigh.
“Why do you hate me?” asked Derpy, sniffling slightly.
“Because—” As his living blanket resumed its nuzzling, a warmth flooded his chest and clouded his mind, but he couldn’t even shake his head to clear it. “Because you are d—” He grunted and bared his teeth. “Because you are dumb and weak like the rest of your race!”
Her mouth parted slightly.
“Don’t even—”
She tilted her head back and began letting out a quiet wail that quickly grew in volume.
“I’m warning you!”
Her wail reached its crescendo and broke, driving her to her knees as she collapsed into sobs.
“Don’t—”
“Apologize to her, Tirek. That was uncalled for,” whispered Twilight.
Tirek grunted and tried to look at Twilight. “I will”—Fluttershy let out a soft hum as she continued to nuzzle his head in place—“won’t apologize to . . . to . . .”
Derpy paused just long enough for her gaze to meet Tirek’s, and somewhere, deep inside, he felt something. The hard outer shell of his heart cracked from the living blanket’s constant ministrations, and the warm spark of empathy and caring buried itself in his chest and grew its roots deep.
The heat spread outward from his chest and filled his entire body. He couldn’t contain himself; he needed to smile.
His smile quickly morphed into a frown as he remember the sobbing mare in front of him. “I am sorry for all I have done to you, Derpy.”
She paused and lifted up her head. “Really?” she sniffed, wiping her muzzle with her foreleg.
He smiled widely; the fire in his chest burned, but he couldn’t look down at it. “Yes. I am truly sorry. I have seen the errors of my ways.
His vision grew dim at the edges until only her glowing smile remained. His heart was pounding so rapidly he thought it would burst, and he could feel his insides searing from the heat.
“I forgive you,” she whispered, smiling.
Tirek's future life flashed before his eyes. He straightened out his act, got a respectable job as a salesman, met a girl, fell in love, decided she had attachment issues, broke up, got a restraining order, met up with Derpy again, fell in love again, had three ankle-biters who grew up into a dad-can-I-have-the-car-keys-I-promise-I won’t-wreak-again and a high-school dropout and a hippie, suffered a midlife crisis, pulled himself together, found a new job as a saxophone player, and then grew to a ripe old age.
Then, while lying on a hospital bed, surrounded by his tearful family, he died.
It was a good life.
Heart pounding, Tirek’s eyes snapped open as he screamed. Sliding on the stone, he scrambled to his hooves and lept off the ground.
He smashed his face into the metal bars of his cage and grunted as he fell to the ground. He lay there, panting, and ran his hand through his mane and down his neck; every hair was slicked firmly against his skin. The smell of sweat permeated the air.
Using the bars, he slowly climbed to his hooves. He felt a twinge of pain in his chest and glanced down, but same as before, all the damage was on the inside.
He looked over to the place where his tormentor sat. She was smiling widely—wickedly—and levitating a single parchment in front of her.
She nodded; her quill scratched across the parchment once.
“Please,” he asked, gripping the cold steel. “I’m begging you—one night of peace? Cease these nightmares!”
She took a moment to respond, but when she did, her teal eyes glinted over her thin-rimmed glasses. “Once your rehabilitation is complete, you’ll have more peace than you know what to do with. And besides, you had plenty of that last time you were here, Tirek.”
She rustled the parchment, and her grin became more genuine. “But don’t worry about it, I’m sure tonight will be easier for—wait.” She frowned slightly, reading the list.
“What is it?” he asked.
“Hmm. . . Oh my. . . . This . . .” Still frowning, she met his gaze, but Tirek could see the perverse pleasure in her eyes. “It appears Derpy’s dream rehabilitation suggestion was the tamest. To be honest, I'm actually even a little surprised you didn't enjoy hers.”
He stared at her silently, trying to purge the “rehabilitation” from his thoughts.
“Anyways, tonight is quite a lineup,” she continued.
Swallowing, he lifted his head slightly.
“Aww. Don’t be like that. Aren’t you going to ask?”
Tirek licked his dry lips. “. . . What is it tonight?”
“Titles, Tirek,” she sighed, “titles.”
“My . . . apologies, Princess Luna,” he hissed, teeth clenched.
“That’s better.” The parchment rustled again. “It looks like I’ve gotten some . . . interesting suggestions tonight.” Luna was facing the paper, but her eyes were locked on Tirek’s.
He grit his teeth slightly, the noise carrying in the complete silence.
“You’re spoiling my fun.” She pouted. “But since you’re so persistent, I’ll give you a few examples.” She gently cleared her throat and hummed. “Spitfire—captain of the Wonderbolts, in case you didn’t know—has insisted on a week-long trek through the desert with no water in order to save an endangered species of penguin. Roseluck—a sweet little mare, if a bit excitable—wrote something about devoting your entire life to preserving rainforests. Fancy Pants has—ohh, this should be fun—heroically saving captured damsels from evil pirates, at great personal risk. Skip a couple . . . you want some mystery, right? Minuette—oh.”
“What?”
“I don’t know if I have the stomach to put you through fostering orphans and selfless charity work. Your heart might not be able to handle all that goodness until I’ve had a bit more time to work on you, but we’ll see.”
He paled slightly.
“See what I said about Derpy’s suggestion being tame? Either way, we should probably get started.” Luna winked slowly, her horn glowing. “You have a long night ahead of you.”
As the world shifted from reality to a swirling sandstorm, Luna hummed, “Sweet dreams. . . .”
He was beginning to hate blue more than purple.
“Four letter word that starts with “L” and ends with “A” . . . means awesome. Controls the moon. Best pony,” Luna mumbled, scratching the word on her parchment.
She smiled. It was a good night for crossword puzzles.
