My Monster of a Mail Order Bride!

by trahzo

Rating: teen
Tags: Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Other, Romance, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2424

Spike unexpectantly gets a mail order bride.

After getting tired of Spike's depressed state, she gets him a mail order bride. Something Spike didn't expect. Also, it seems she really wants to apologize for her past with the Apple Sisters

Published 2014-03-24 05:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-24 05:20:04 UTC

Ch.1: Spike, Meet the Bride I got for you by Mail Order

Spike was sulking while sitting on the balcony, watching the lives of other none-single ponies go by. Twilight felt bad about Spike & was geting very tired of his sadness because it wasn't good for morale! So she goes on her computer one night to figure out what to do...you know what? She figured something out. She found a website where women were looking for brides, but sadly the rules state that their faces be blurred for some odd reason. Twilight looked around but it seemed all the pony brides were taken, so she settled with the last available bride left. She explained to her the situation and she agreed to be there ASAP. Twilight was finally relevied, she gets her friend Spike back from the metaphorical dead, she gets Spike someone who'll promise to be loyal, and the morale in the library willl be back up! Killing 3 birds with one stone.

Weeks later...

*Knock!* *Knock!*

"Who's there?"

Pinkie, you are not in this story!

"Aww, how can you be so mean to me!"

Just leave! I promise you'll have some sort of role in the next story! Ahem, so there came a knocking on the door.

*Knock!* *Knock!*

"I'll get it!" Twilight said. She then opened the door."Oh good, you're here! Come with me through the back!"

Meanwhile...

Spike was sitting on the bed while eating a Dash of Rainbow flavored Ice cream! Yeah, Rainbow Dash was so into herself the day she became a Wonderbolt, that she had someone make her trademark a flavor of ice cream!

"Spike, to the kitchen fromt and center youngman or I'm forcing you here, you think I'm afraid of your fire breath? Hah, bring it on!"

"coooooming Twilight." Spike replied with a depressed face.

He walked down to the kitchen, but with a head facing down.

"Alright Twi, do you want me to make pancakes, because I'll just make about 5, then I'm going, oof!" He then bumped into something big and alive. "Oh, sor..."

"Hi!" said the big creature's goat head.

"So, this is what you called me over for, so I can die on your terms!" then Twilight smacked him.

"NO! Spike, say hello to your mail order bride!"

"What?"

"Look, I know she isn't a pony, but she was the only one available on the site!"

"Yes, hello there we're Chimera! Sorry we don't really have a name." explained the Tiger head

"Well since you're the only Chimera in Ponyville, I guess it's fine to call you chimera, also can I talk to you Twilight in the living room? You don't mind if we leave yah for a bit right?"

"Sure, go ahead!" said The snake head

So as soon as Twilight & Spike were in the living room, Spike grabbed her by the neck.

"WHAT THE FREAK TWI? That woman is seriously scary!"

"I know she seems intimidating, but trust me, you 2 will definently hit it off. Just try it for me, okay? I want you to cheer-up, I miss your smile, infact, everyone misses your smile"

*sigh!* "Fine, but the moment that monster tries to eat me, it's your fault!"

Then she hugged him. "Thanks!"

Author's Note

Interesting fact: The Chimera was voiced by one person! yeah, all 3 heads, by the same person!

Ch.2: Okay, Guess I Could Give Her a Shot

They re-entered the kitchen.

"Hey..." Then he gave a forced smile. "Honey, did you miss me?"

"Not too much. We're just teasing yah."

"Okay."

Spike had no idea what to say next to the terror Twilight wants him to love. Bwahahaha, oh I'm sorry, I'm just remembering Jontron's frustration & comparing it to Nostalgia Critic + AVGN's frustration. I have no idea who is more angry, please tell me in the comments after reading this. So anyway, Spike was still just as mad as the 3 I just mentioned.

"Hey, I have an Idea, how's about you Mera, tell us about yourselves at the table."

"Mera?"

"Yeah, so we don't confuse you girls with other chimeras."

"Oh, sure."

So they all took seats.

"Alrighty Mera, you may begin."

"Hmm, to start things off, we actually used to live in The Flame Geyser Swamp."

"Wait, you live where?" Spike asked in shock. "What's a creature vulnerable to fire doing in a dangerous place like that!?"

"We used to ambush passing by food carts and eat the food with a side of...err..."

"Go-on." Spike insisted.

"We can't, not infront of her." The Snake pointed out.

"It's okay, I wont mind what you tell us, it'll be the secret between the 3 of us, 4 if you count my pet owl."

"Okay, if you're cool with it, we used to eat the food in the carts with a side of cooked pony."

Then Spike & Twilight looked at each other.

"You hear that? She eats ponies." Spike told her with a wise ass grin.

*GULP!* "Y-you don't say?" Twilight said a shaking voice.

"Yep, we had our pony meat grilled, charcoaled, flame broiled, sometimes we add some lemon..." As she continued, Spike blinked in morse code for 'Yeah, you just screwed yourself over girl." "...And re-fried. but since it looks like we're going to have tons of pony friends, we better stop, and good too, because yesterday, we ate our 100th pony."

Then Twilight fainted.

"Yeesh, guess we were too scary." Said the goat.

"Yeah, but now we're technically alone with our hubby." The Tiger pointed out.

"Come here Spike, and give your 3-in-1 wife a kiss!" She grabbed the little guy from across the room.

"(Oh Celestia! Here we go! It's okay, at least she's part reptile! That way, I can have a kid with her.)" He thought as a mixture of feline, mammal, and reptile lips all took multiple turns getting it on with him.

"Mmm, you tasted wonderful." Then Snake pointed out.

"You weren't too bad yourself. (WAKE-UP TWILIGHT, SO I CAN KNOCK YOU OUT MYSELF!!!) Whuh, hey where are we going?"

"To the couch so we can cuddle." The goat explained.

So they cuddled on the couch and yes, the tiger purred like a kitty cat if you were expecting that joke to happen. Though, Spike had to admit, the purring was pretty soothing. Also, he actually like how the goat's wool doubled as a blanket & the snake's non-lethal wrapping around his neck.

"(Oooh, this is soothing, maybe she should stay with us. She cooks, she can help me make decisions when Twi says what I plan to do is crazy, and she's so cuddly despite being an intimidating monster.)"

*Knock.* *Knock.* *Knock.*

"Come in, it's open." Spike told the recipient relaxingly.

"Hi Spike, we're here for Twilight Ti..." Applebloom then paused along with the other CMC members to see teror out of context! They saw the Chimera who tried to kill her & A.J., wrapped around Spike, and over yonder, the 2 hind legs of Twilight Sparkle! They were under the impression that the Chimera killed Twilight, and is now trying to kill Spike!

"Cutiemark Crusader Dragon Rescuers!" They then 3-way high hoofed, and tried to pry Spike off of Chimera.

"Hold it, hold it, hold it! Girls, what do you think you're doing?"

"Yeah, we were just cuddling on the couch with our husband." The tiger told them.

"Wait, what!?"

"Hello, yellow filly, guess we meet again."

Ch.3: Reconciling with the Apple Sisters.

"So, that's what happened?"

"Yep, Twilight got us as this midget's bride! We're so happy to finally be out of that hazardous swamp. Don't worry, it may take some time but we'll learn to be vegitarians like you guys, besides, we're already 1/3rd a herbivore."

"Haha, clever." Sweetie Belle said with sarcastic fear.

"Also, since I now know that you Applebloom, and your sister Applejack live here in this town, I can finally reconcile & apologize for what I tried to do to you 2 back when we 1st met."

"Well alright then, I'll go tell my sis about you, it doesn't look like Twilight will be waking any time soon anyway! Bye Spike, by Mera! Let's go girls." then they backed away as fast as they can, but then tripped, and fell all over a trail of ants that Fluttershy was leading.

*Sob!* *Sob!* *Sob!* "They were so young!" Then she flew away looking like a waterfall.

"Fluttershy wait, we're sorry!"

"Wow." Said Spike

"I know, but hey, I'll go and lock the door, then we can be private and have relations only married couples can have."

"Wait, but I'm still a kid."

"Drat! Well, in that case, I guess I'm now a pedophile!" Then she grabbed him by the tail & they went up stairs.

"Twilight awoke minutes later to some strange sounds."

"Buttons, who are you talking to?" His mom asked.

"Nopony! I'm rehearsing my narrator role for the school play."

As I was saying, Twilight was curious, and decided to follow the sound, it seemed to be coming from the bedroom. She saw the door slightly opened, she pushed, and was introduced to great horror!

"Wait Twi, before you faint on us again, Applejack invited the 3 of us to dinner at her place!"

"Thanks for the tip, and with that, I fall!"

*THUD!*

"How come you say 3 of us even we technically make 5?"

"You 3 heads share the same body, it's not like you'll be separated any time soon, and speaking of soon, incoming load 15!"

Twilight woke-up, but then fainted again at the horrible & very sweaty sight.

Later that night, hey sight & night! I just rhymed without realising it till now!

*Ding-dong!*

"Ah, welcome guys, dinner will be served once ya'll are at the table (let's see if you were fibbing or not about turning a new leaf Miss Mera!)" A.J. then stared at her with suspicious eye. You know, she should really be more concerned about the Fluttershy sized bat attacking her crops and beating up Snips & Snails. So inside the house, all of them stared at Mera while she ate like a, well, monster!

*Chomp!* *Chomp!* *Chomp!* *Chomp!* *Chomp!*

"Well, I've lost my appetite!" Big Mac said.

Then Mera pulled her heads out of the plate.

"So, please forgive us, you know how un domesticated creatures are, killing others for food."

"That reminds me how'd you register yourself online as a mail order bride?"

"We have a laptop, and the swamp actually has incredible reception."

Then everyone fell over like in an anime.

"You guys okay?"

"Yeah, but are you telling us the honest truth?"

"Yes, if we can tell a female celebrity she looks fat and stupid on stage to her face, then we can tell you, that we're going straight!"

"Well alright then. Me and Applejack can forgive you, for now atleast."

"Eeyup."

"Hey, that's my li..."

"Shut-up Big Mac!" Said Applejack.

"Sweet, I can tell this is the start of a great friend...is that fire outside?"

They all looked out the window.

"Holy Mackeral! Granny, call everypony, AB, Big Mac, Twi, Spike, Mera, get buckets of water & help me douse these flames!"

Without hesitation, they all did as they were told, washing away the flames on the trees.

"Who in Equestria would do this to me!?"

"HAHAHAHAHA! Look at sissy scaredy faces on you guys!"

"That voice!" Exclaimed Twilight & Spike. "GARBLE!!!"

"That's right, this is my revenge! Now I'll kill you!" Then he swooped at him.

"I don't think so!" Then Mera jumped inbetween them.

"What the?"

"Garble, meet my wife Mera."

"WTF!? Grr... no sweat, I'll tear your wife to shreds, then you squirt!"

"Try it!"

Ch.4: She's Quite the Beast on the Battlefield

*POW!*

"OH-GOD!...I think you cracked my skull you jerk!"

"We're the jerk? Sorry, but we're not the ones who tried to destroy Ponyville's main source of food to just get revenge!"

"You tell her Mera!" Spike called out.

Mera then ran at Garble trying to ram him with the goat head. Garble attempted to fly but was too late because it seems his spade shaped tip of his tail was caught by the kind of tree with a root going up & back into the ground.

"What! How'd this hap..." *BAM!*

Then Garble was hit towards a bush. You know I don't recall his tail ever being caught there unless...Pinkie Pie. She finally didn't annoy me this time! BUT NEXT TIME SHE BETTER NOT DANG INTERRUPT A ONE-ON-ONE FIGHT NETX TIME! JUST LOOK AT HOW BIG MY RAGING VAIN IS! Anyway, Mera then charged towards the disoriented dragon try to tear off his scaley armor, but Garble recovered quickly and flew upwards but then hit his head on a sturdy branch, in which he fell down. Mera was still charging at Garble, so instead of flying, he ran to the left. Mera jumped to his left to block his escape.

"OH COOOOOOOOME OOOOOOOOON!!!"

"No breaks for you buddy!" Then she slapped him "OW! Also, really? I know you're female, but come-on, did you really resort to slapp..." Another slap to his face. "Quit that!"

"If it aint broke, don't fix it." Then Mera punched him in the gut.

Garble attempted to breath fire but then Mera uppercutted him causing it to blow-up in his face, or rather inside his face.

"Ah, You just gave me heartburn, and I just bit my tongue!"

"Could you please just shut-up & take your beating like a man?" Then she started beating on Garble.

"Twilight, Spike!" Applejack called.

"Me, AB, and Big Mac took care of Garble's lackeys."

"That's great." Twilight replied.

"Now come here & sit down, my wife is just about finished kicking Garble's ass."

"Ha, I'm just tiring her out! Gah, that was my fire breathing body part!"

"Yeah right!" Twilight sarcasticly said.

"You go Mera!"

"Spike, after this, we're gonna *YAY!* none-stop all night. Twilight, you may wanna soundproof the library & your ears."

They all dropped their jaws. A while later, Garble stopped twitching & blood was all over her body.

"Well, that is that, let's go home guys, we need a shower." Then she picked up Spike & walked to the trail leading to Ponyville.

"Uh thanks for inviting us to dinner." Twilight told them.

"You are welcome & try you get a good night's rest."

"Yep, I'll try my best to sleep through their screaming. Good night."

Then Spike, Twilight and Mera all headed home.