Past the Edge of Equestria

by a human

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Adventure, Maud Pie, Alternate Universe, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 5707

Maud Pie leads a geologic expedition to the lands outside of Equestria, which turns out to be a barren apocalyptic wasteland. But does she have an ulterior motive for this quest?

Maud Pie, head of Equestria's rock department, is trusted with all of the country's deepest secrets. The only ones who know more are the princesses. If you want to know what she does, you need only ask. But do you want to know the answers?

Two stallions, hard up on cash, volunteer to accompany Maud on a dangerous geologic mission. During the process, they find out far more about their world than they ever wished, and confront the largest mystery of the ages…

What is Equestria?

This takes place, as all of my stories do, in the same universe as Obama Goes to Equestria. Basically, the only context you need to know is that Celestia is evil. Everything else should stand fine on its own.

Written for this.

Published 2014-03-20 21:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-20 21:40:01 UTC

Wasteland

Rotting Cadavers was right. It was sort of like looking at a corpse, and he would know.

She had the most dead looking face Constantly Desperate had ever seen on someone alive. Her eyes were constantly half closed, moving only to blink. Her mouth stayed in a blank frown no matter what happened around her. Her entire body, in fact, stayed completely still unless there was a pressing need to move, and even then she exerted the absolute minimum amount of energy. It was quite unnerving.

Not as much as Celestia, Constantly thought. For his entire life, Constantly had dreamed about meeting Celestia. He dreamed that would be the day he would get his name changed. That dream died as soon as he met her. Celestia conducted his background check for this job, and it was terrifying. It mainly consisted of her staring at him for 10 minutes and seeing what he confessed to, but it was surprisingly effective. After the third minute, he started blindly recounting every bad thing he had done in his life, and she just smiled, which made it worse. Afterwards, she told him he had held out for unusually long. He hoped that was just one of her infamous jokes.

The mare in front of him stirred imperceptibly, and Constantly twitched. On the other hand, he felt no need to choose. Both ponies were each unsettling in their own special way.

"Hello everyone," she said in a lifeless deadpan. "I'm Maud Pie. I'm the leader of this geological expedition." She looked at two stallions in front of her. "Are you two my assistants?"

"Yes," Constantly's companion, a bright orange earth pony, said. "I'm Flaming Chainsaw. Nice to meet you."

"I'm Constantly Desperate," Constantly said. He felt the need for some flattery. "I'm looking forward to working with you."

"Thank you," Maud said. "And what is your name?"

It took Constantly a while to realize she wasn't joking. "It's… er, it's Constantly Desperate, ma'am. My name is Constantly Desperate."

Maud blinked as she considered that. "I assume you would prefer to be called Constantly."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Thank you." She turned around and slowly began exiting the train station. Constantly and Flaming followed. "We'll start by examining the local mountainsides for areas of potential rock slides, and correct anything we find. That seems like an easy enough start. Does that sound good with you two?"

"Yes, ma'am," Constantly blurted out.

"Just Maud."

"Yes, ma'am. Er, Maud."

The three continued down the path in silence. They were in a quite precipitous area, with some of the steepest cliffs in Equestria. Rocks were everywhere. Constantly caught Maud looking at some of them.

"What are you doing?" he finally asked.

"Looking for irregularities," Maud replied. "Luckily, there are none."

"Irregularities?"

"Rocks of the wrong type in the wrong place, evidence of too few rocks, evidence of tampering…" She stopped, noticing the blank look on Constantly's face. "You do know what this job is for, right?"

"It's a geological survey having to do with rocks?" Constantly thought his job was just to provide muscle, so he never really thought about it.

"That is slightly misleading," Maud said, and began walking again. "You undoubtedly know that no natural processes occur automatically in Equestria. Pegasi have to regulate the weather and run the water cycle, and various animals are unable to survive without assistance, among other things. Rocks are the same way. Rocks are not naturally formed in Equestria, but it is possible for them to become pulverized into an unusable state. Without outside interference, eventually the country would run out of solid rocks, sending the ecosystem into chaos. It's our job, among other things, to preserve a balance."

"Just… the three of us?"

"The job is spread out amongst the economy as much as possible. That is why there are rock farms. They reconstitute dust back into usable rocks and sell them for a profit. We handle the jobs they don't, such as identifying at risk areas, removing safety hazards, and, only if absolutely necessary, retrieving raw materials." She turned back to the two stallions. "It might sound unexciting, but without us, life in Equestria would quickly become unable to function. This job is extremely important." She paused. "I'm sure you are excited as I am about it."

"You sure look excited," Flaming said.

Maud blinked in confusion, then, "I'm sorry, but I am physically unable to express emotions the same way as normal ponies. I am told it is offputting, but there is nothing I can do about it and for that I apologize."

Constantly looked worried. "Physically unable?"

"I can tell you why, but I will warn you that hearing the entire truth disturbs some people"

"No, please, tell us."

"If you wish," Maud said. "I am an artificially constructed life form made by Celestia specifically to manage Equestria's rock content. I was programmed to take an interest in rocks, and lack the necessary endorphins for feeling strong emotions."

Constantly and Flaming stopped dead in their tracks. "What!? Why!?"

"Most likely, my brain was programmed in a way that made me most efficient for my job. If I naturally took an interest in rocks, it would make me likely to research rocks of my own volition. This would prevent the need to splice a vast array of rock related knowledge into my brain, which is complicated and risky. I was, however, implanted with detailed knowledge about the inner workings of this country, which is frequently necessary to manipulate the economy correctly. The lack of emotions is most likely to assist in missions to gather raw materials, which can often get quite dangerous.

"To answer the other facet of your question, why would this be necessary to begin with, you need to have some rudimentary knowledge of the cutie mark system. The cutie mark system was designed to increase social stability by limiting class mobility and ensuring there will always be a good distribution of skills in the economy. It also makes it easier to conduct psychological experiments on the populace. One common way this is done is to assign citizens contradictory or hard to interpret skills, or, as the princesses call it, 'trolling.' I suspect you are a result of this, Constantly Desperate."

Constantly Desperate grimaced. It made a twisted sense.

"The cutie mark system cannot, however, actually make someone skilled at an activity that fundamentally goes against their nature. Unfortunately, for most of the population, being greatly interested in rocks fundamentally goes against their nature. Ponies who are naturally interested in rocks, and thus have the potential to fill this job, are rarely born. After the previous head of this department died, Celestia could not afford to wait for a successor to be naturally created, so she resorted to genetic manipulation, and, hence, me." Maud paused. "Any questions?"

Constantly and Flaming just stood there. Questions could not begin to describe what they had.

Maud waited a bit, then resumed walking up the path.

Constantly regained his composure and managed to ask something. "So… so cutie marks aren't natural?"

"Did you really think a system for magically tattooing an icon of your talent on your flank occurred naturally?" Maud replied.

Constantly looked down sheepishly. Worded like that, it did sound ridiculous.

Maud appeared to sense that. "Don't feel inadequate. Just as I am programmed to be curious about rocks, you were programmed to avoid being curious about cutie marks."

"Were?"

"Most of Equestria's mind control magic is subtle enough that the simple act of being told to doubt is enough to break it. If you prefer ignorance, you can pay Celestia 10 bits to have it reinstated. Or, wait, 20 bits. The existence of mind control is another one."

"So," Flaming said, taking this all in, "you're basically a rock managing robot, cutie marks are fake, and Celestia has brainwashed us all."

"Exaggerated, yes, but true."

Flaming and Constantly just stood there.

– – – –

Maud would have been an enigma had she not clearly and readily answered any questions about herself. These answers, however, tended to be so disturbing that Constantly and Flaming quickly learned to avoid them. When Maud said an answer could be psychologically damaging, she meant it. The two were still trying to figure out what she meant when she described her family.

"I do not recall having any blood relations," she had said, "but Pinkie Pie, a pony from Ponyville, assures me that in another timeline, we were sisters. She is a quite complicated event in space-time herself, so I am compelled to believe her. Since then, I have grown quite fond of her."

Words could not begin to describe the problems they had with that explanation.

She was also, Constantly and Flaming agreed, most likely the strongest being in Equestria. Many times Maud demonstrated her ability to lift multi ton boulders with one hoof and grind them into a fine powder with the other. Why she had hired the two was beyond them. The only thing that could be stronger than her was Celestia, but even there they had their doubts. They never, ever wanted to confirm this, but they frequently joked that if Maud and Celestia fought to the death, Celestia would win on basis of her immortality, not her strength.

So when she came to them and said they were going on a dangerous mission, they believed her.

"'Dangerous' hardly begins to describe it," she said. "We need to go and gather raw materials. I must warn you, I have lost five teams this way. That's one of the reasons why, this time, there are only two of you. If you want to bail out, this is the time."

"Where, exactly, are these raw materials?" Flaming said.

Maud stared at him. "I can answer you, but that answer will seal your fate. It will break another layer of this country's mind control, and your curiosity will prevent you from turning me down. I know this from experience. All you need to know to make a rational decision on whether to participate is that there is a very good chance you will die on this mission. I will give you one last chance to leave."

Constantly and Flaming stood still.

"As you wish. We are going past the edge of Equestria."

– – – –

"So," Flaming said as they traversed a narrow cliff passageway, "Equestria has an edge."

"Yes," Maud said. "That's another thing you have been programmed to not question. The area of this world in which you are able to travel is actually quite small. In order to prevent you from realizing this, in addition to the mind control, the princesses have utilized similar space bending techniques to the inside of Canterlot Castle." She stopped. "We need to go inside that bush."

Without hesitating, she kneeled down and crawled inside a small bush, disappearing. Flaming and Constantly looked at each other, shrugged, and followed. For a while, all they encountered were thorny branches and leaves, but when they emerged on the other side, they were in a completely different clearing.

"We're extremely close," Maud said. "Please open your bags and put on the gas masks inside. The atmosphere outside is unbreathable, and they have enough air to sustain us for about three hours."

Flaming and Constantly obeyed. Maud proceeded to put hers on as well.

"Is everything good?" she said. "Can you hear me?"

Inside the masks was some sort of speaker system. "Yeah, loud and clear," Constantly said. "How does this work? Magic?"

"Some technology adapted from what the humans have left behind. It's made this much safer," Maud said. "Now, we're going to exit through that spot of sky over there." Maud pointed at an indeterminate spot on the horizon. "That's the exit I usually use, and I know there's a safe path there. Follow me."

They started walking towards the horizon. It was unusual to see the ground end and the sky grow closer. Constantly still had a hard time believing the whole thing was a giant façade. Soon, the three stood at the threshold of the end of the world.

Maud, of course, blinked disinterestedly. "Three, two, one."

Maud jumped into a patch and disappeared. Constantly and Flaming followed as quickly as they could.

Within seconds, the peaceful blue sky was replaced by a freakish hell. The other side was unlike anything Constantly and Flaming had ever seen, possibly unlike anything any mortal had seen. The sky was pitch black, but coated with giant glowing yellow clouds, all moving at hundreds of miles an hour and intermittently producing lightning. Where they were standing was clear, but all around them were strange structures they could not identify, all massive, huge spires of indeterminate origin, huge piles of debris, huge rocks. It seemed like anything that wasn't hundreds of feet tall was soon decimated. Some parts of the land were floating in the air, driven by stray magic.

"It's like Discord's chaos…" Constantly got out.

"This is nothing like Discord's chaos. Thinking like that could get you killed," Maud said. "Discord's chaos inevitably had an order to it, because it was designed to irritate ponies. It always deliberately subverted our intentions, and because of that it was not truly chaotic. This is pure, unbridled, perfect chaos, with no agenda, no order, and no mercy. Remember that."

"What is this place?" Flaming said.

"It's what lies beyond Equestria. That is all you need to know. Any additional knowledge will most likely not only psychologically damage you, but drive you insane."

Constantly and Flaming knew what that meant, and decided not to pursue the matter further.

"Now, I need to discuss the most important piece of equipment in that gas mask with you," Maud said. "You have probably noticed that on the inside of the mask, there is a small switch near your mouth. In a minute, I would like you to bite it three times and say something short, like 'hello.' When you are done, bite it again."

Suddenly, both Constantly and Flaming's masks made a beeping sound, and a small LED display turned on, showing the numbers "1:00." The speakers started playing back a recording of the two of them saying "hello" and "hey there."

"What?" Constantly said. "But I haven't done anything yet."

"Exactly," Maud said. "That device sends messages back through time. Biting the switch once sends a message 10 seconds in the past, biting the switch twice sends a message 30 seconds in the past, biting the switch three times is 1 minute, four times is 5 minutes, and five times is 10 minutes. While technically possible, going back any further is prohibited because the risks that poses to the space-time continuum. Biting the switch again ends the transmission."

"The… space-time continuum…" Flaming got out.

"It only works in this place, because time does not always flow linearly out here. It's easy to take advantage of that to briefly manipulate the timestream. If you tried using that equipment within Equestria, it would simply not work. Also, you might have noticed that while a minute has passed, you have not sent yourself the message you received earlier."

Flaming and Constantly looked at each other, wondering if they should do something about that.

"For short range transmissions, up to a minute, that is perfectly acceptable. The two timelines can safely splinter off with no side effects. In fact, some scientists say that in this area, resolving small contradictions like that helps spacetime to recover. For any transmission further in the past, though, you must try to memorize and reenact your message when you originally transmitted it. It seems counterintuitive, but this is usually enough to avoid any temporal side effects. That is why the timecode starts counting down as soon as you receive a message. It's so you can accurately time your reenactment."

"So," Constantly said, "it's not necessary to recreate the circumstances of the message?"

"No. You will soon see why that is useful. Follow me."

They did so, as she expertly stepped her way around the rugged ground. After a while, the flat section they were on separated into two paths.

"Which one do we take?" Constantly said.

"Just wait," Maud said. After a couple seconds, her mask beeped, and she received a transmission from herself. The timecode said "0:30." Through the speakers, all three could hear Maud scream, "Take the left path! Left! On this side there's acid wa—" The recording briefly became static, then turned off.

"Left path it is then," Maud said, and began heading that direction.

Flaming's face contorted. "Wait, so that was you… dying?"

"Yes. In that timeline those were my final words. Usually I would not be so melodramatic, but I probably decided to amp it up for the sake of demonstration."

Then, Constantly got a 10 second transmission from himself. "Maud!" it said. "Dear Celestia, I hope this… Jump left! Quick!"

Maud obeyed, and a stray bolt of lightning just missed her.

Constantly and Flaming stared at her in awe. "Just how many times have you died out here?" Constantly said.

"I've lost count. At least hundreds." She saw the look on the two stallions' faces. "It's best to not think about it. If you use the transmitting equipment correctly, you can avoid having to experience any of those timelines. Remember, there is no penalty for short range transmissions. Use them frequently, even if it's for a small injury."

Flaming and Constantly began to understand what she meant when she said she'd lost count of how many times she had died. In the next 10 minutes, each of them received at least five transmissions in which one of the party had died or been horribly maimed.

"How did anyone survive out here without these?" Flaming said.

"For the most part, they didn't. From what I've heard, until she got banished to the moon, Luna usually handled this job. With her gone, though, Celestia was forced to look into alternatives. If you don't know what you're doing, this place can be dangerous even to immortals. Dying is not the worst thing that can happen to you out here." She stopped. "Please wait here. I have a personal stop I must make."

Flaming and Constantly looked at each other. It was the first time either of them had seen her betray the slightest amount of feeling. "Sure. Whatever you want."

She began to climb up a large hill of debris that was in front of them. At the top was what appeared to be a small statue of a pony in an oddly contorted position. Maud stood in front of it for about 10 minutes, keeping her distance. Then she slowly descended.

"What was that?" Flaming asked.

"That was my fiancée," Maud said.

Constantly was a bit taken aback. "I thought you said you couldn't experience emotions."

"I don't experience strong emotions. And that does not necessarily preclude other physical reactions."

Maud did not need to say anything for the two to know not to pursue that line of questioning further.

"She was caught in a slowly moving piece of time. Every minute to her is 1000 years to us. Whenever I get the chance, I try to stand in her line of vision for as long as possible. I think, maybe, if I stand there long enough, she will see me."

Constantly looked down. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Our equipment has indicated that the entropy in this place is slowly decreasing. Eventually, in a couple thousand years or so, it's possible that the deathly clouds will be gone, the air will be clean, and time will flow normally out here. That will be the world she awakens to. Compared to this place's other inhabitants, she's lucky." Maud looked through a break in the debris. "Look over there."

Constantly and Flaming saw the shape of a pony jump nimbly onto the ground and shoot out a ray of magic. She gritted her teeth, then ran forward at top speed. The shape and movements were incontrovertible.

"Celestia?"

"A piece of her," Maud said. "That is a looping piece of time she's in. Watch, in a couple seconds she will come around again." Right on cue, she did, repeating the exact same movements as before. "Clearly she got out, but I do not know how. Unlike the slow block of time my fiancée is in, when entropy in this area decreases, that block of time will likely collapse in on itself. It is easy for the timestream to adapt to different speeds, but I would imagine something as arbitrary as time looping is difficult to reconcile with the outside world."

Celestia came around one more time, and Constantly could have sworn that this time, she was looking at the three of them.

"Enough of this," Maud said. "We must get to our destination."

They traversed some more of the landscape until finally, they could see a large volcano not far from them. It was spewing lava uncontrollably.

"Is that our destination?" Constantly said nervously.

"Yes. We will be going to that lava flow over there."

They started making their way towards the lava flow, but as soon as Flaming stepped forward, he received a transmission. "Don't go to the volcano!" it said, then slowly faded into static. There was a grinding sound in the background.

Maud looked at Flaming. "What's the timecode?"

"10 minutes," Flaming said.

Maud looked at the volcano. "If you bothered to transmit that far back, something fairly major must have happened," she said. "That noise in the background sounded like lava flowing. Maybe the volcano will erupt. We should get out of here while we have the chance."

As soon as Flaming turned around, he got another transmission. "Go to the volcano! Save them!"

Maud and Constantly heard that. "Timecode?" Maud said.

"Same as before. 10 minutes." Flaming looked worried. "What does that mean? That's never happened before. The two messages contradict each other."

Maud hesitated. "That happens occasionally," she said, then just barely opened her mouth, like she was going to volunteer more information and decided against it. "Just listen to the latest one. Let's head to the lava flow."

With some effort, they managed to get there. The air became uncomfortably hot.

"Inside your bags are some orange containers. Take them out and use the handles to scoop up lava. They have space distortion magic applied to them, so the inside is larger than the outside."

Constantly and Flaming started doing that. Maud took out a container herself and began filling it with rocks that were on the ground.

"What is this lava used for?" Constantly said.

"We sell it to the rock farms," Maud said, only vaguely paying attention. "They can cool it and use it to make new rocks. That takes a while, though, which is why I'm collecting some already formed rocks to put in the market." Suddenly her ears perked and she looked up. "Watch out! Your container's overflowing!"

"Gah! Oops!" Constantly quickly poured out some of the excess lava and closed the container. "Looks like I'm done, then. How are you doing, Flaming?"

Flaming was silent.

"Flaming? Flaming Chainsaw?"

The volcano made a rumbling sound. Constantly looked up.

"Don't panic," Maud said. "The transmissions made it clear something was happening with the volcano. With any luck we can avoid it."

A large burst of lava spewed out the top and slid down the side of the mountain. The three watched in horror as it engulfed the path they took up.

Constantly turned pale. "Dear Celestia… if we had been on that path…" He looked at Flaming. "You were right, man! You saved all of us!"

Flaming looked grim. "It's not over yet."

"What?"

Constantly noticed a stream of lava approaching them when he got a short range transmission. "Maud! Jump right!"

Maud immediately obeyed. The stream grew closer, and it became clear that wasn't going to be enough.

Another transmission. "Maud! Jump left!"

She obliged, but it was clearly not going to work.

Then, one last transmission. "Flaming! Don't do it!"

Flaming immediately jumped into the lava and threw Maud at Constantly. Constantly, mostly out of reflex, caught her.

"Flaming!" he screamed. He bit his switch once and yelled, "Flaming! Don't do it!" Then, he realized with a sinking feeling he had just done that, and it had changed nothing.

"Run!" Flaming yelled, grimacing in pain. "It's me or all of us! Run!"

The lava kept getting closer and closer, and Constantly had no choice. He ran, dragging Maud behind him. Finally, the air behind him stopped feeling as hot, and he risked looking back. The lava had gone down another path. He let Maud sit on the ground, and he caught his breath as well. He growled in frustration.

"You… you knew that was going to happen, didn't you!?"

"Yes," Maud said, her voice quavering. "When you start getting contradictory messages, that's usually what it means. That fate is unalterable. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this time it would be different. But it isn't. It never is. It never is. It never is. It never is."

Constantly felt his anger melt away as he became concerned. "Maud?"

"I… this is my fault… all my fault. I'm sorry. I've led one of you into a cursed existence and the other to death. I will gladly give up my position for Luna."

Constantly looked into the distance, and saw the glowing blue dome that was the sky of Equestria. "Maud! Pull it together! How do we get out of here!?"

"It's pointless. It's all pointless. We live on a mountain of corpses. Whether we are here or in there, we are nothing but toys for beings beyond our comprehension, ones who have engulfed this world in an endless cycle of destruction…"

It became increasingly clear Maud was not in a state to help, which was not good because she knew much more about this world than Constantly. She was clearly not as emotionless as she let on. Constantly began to wonder if she was always like this, or if the horrors of this world had changed her.

Regardless, he would have to get both of them home.

And he would have to do it alone.

He picked up Maud and looked back. All the containers were still there, buried underneath feet of lava. Just like…

That didn't matter. What mattered was getting home alive.

Constantly started cautiously walking forward. This was new territory, and he wasn't quite sure what to look for. He was only just barely sure what this realm was capable of. He knew there were volcanoes, pockets of time that moved as different speeds, and rogue lightning bolts, but for all he knew, anything was possible. For one, was there anything living out here? Could anything living survive here? There were some beings trapped in sections of time, like Maud's fiancé and the looped Celestia, but that didn't reveal anything about the normally timed areas.

Constantly got a short range transmission. 10 seconds. All he could hear, however, was struggled breathing. Then he realized, with a sinking feeling, why it was necessary to bring a team with you on these expeditions. Chances are, anything important enough to warrant a transmission would render you incapable of speech. You always needed a member of the party around that could talk in order to give warnings.

He no longer had that luxury, and, in absence of anything better to do, stopped moving. 10 seconds passed. Nothing happened. Then a lightning bolt hit the ground directly in front of him. Luckily, the mere act of sending a transmission was enough to save him. Constantly then figured out the transmissions do not necessarily need to be verbal, and quickly came up with a code inside his head. If he could not speak, he would make a certain amount of clicking sounds to indicate what to do. No clicks would mean stop, one click would mean move left, two clicks would be move right, three clicks would mean move back.

He managed to slowly proceed forward like this. If he could continue going in a straight line, he was halfway to Equestria, but the problem was, soon, he and Maud would run out of air. He could not continue going at this speed if he hoped to survive.

At that moment, Constantly felt a tingling and immediately jumped. Where he stood got blasted by a huge lightning bolt. He must have felt the electricity building in the ground.

It was then Constantly had an epiphany. He had managed to avoid that bolt much more effectively than the others. The only difference was, this time, he had no transmission. He avoided it purely on instinct.

It was a crazy idea, but he had nothing better. Constantly began running, running as fast as he could, with one thing on his mind—never make a transmission. Death would mean death. Rely on instinct. Being able to cheat death dulled the senses. What appeared to make travel easier actually made it harder.

It worked. Whenever Constantly felt the slightest suspicion, he changed course, and narrowly averted every disaster that came his way. He began to see a rhythm in the chaos, a rhythm that he realized seemed to encompass his entire life. He felt his mind clear. The feeling was familiar. It was the same feeling he had when Maud told him and Flaming the truths about Equestria, and the layers of mind control broke. He had broken the last layer himself, and that gave him the courage to run one final stretch to the glowing blue sky. He wasn't sure what was on the other side, but he didn't care. As long as it was in Equestria, it was okay. After this, he could handle anything.

He jumped through it, relief sweeping him when he finally felt sunlight on his back again. He kept running, throwing off his gas mask in pure joy.

It was then Constantly learned the hard way that one of the most common ways the princesses prevented citizens from finding the edge of Equestria was to surround it in giant cliffs.

– – – –

Great Bass was fishing. Granted, right next to the Cliffs of Schizophrenia wasn't traditionally the best fishing spot, but there had to be something there. Why else would all of Equestria's cliffs have such intimidating names? The Cliffs of Schizophrenia, the Cliffs of Madness, the Cliffs of Human Tax Collectors… with names like that, they had to have some secret.

Apparently, good fish was not one of them. Great Bass raised his sail and prepared to leave. That was a wasted day. He knew taking advice on fishing spots from that pink pony was a bad idea, even if she did materialize out of his coffee cup like some otherworldly monster.

Right as he did so, two ponies fell from the sky and landed in the ocean in front of his boat. One of them quickly grabbed hold and gasped for air.

"Let us on board!" he screamed. "I am not dying like this!

Great Bass gaped in confusion, not unlike a fish. "Who the hell are you people!?"

Constantly grit his teeth. "That's Maud Pie! I'm Constantly Desperate! Now, for the love of Celestia, throw us a rope!"

"Yes, but what's your name?"

Constantly found just enough energy to climb on deck and punch Great Bass in the face.

– – – –

"So," Great Bass said, nursing his bleeding nose, "you were on top of the Cliffs of Schizophrenia?"

"That's right," Constantly said. "And sorry about the… you know. Face."

"No, no, it's okay. Ponies make fun of my name a lot, too." They really didn't, but Great Bass figured he should try to end up on this stallion's good side. "How did you even get up there?"

Constantly scoffed. "Would you believe me if I told you we traversed hell?"

"No."

"Then I've got nothing."

Great Bass figured it would be best to not continue that line of questioning, and left Constantly to himself.

Maud slowly opened her eyes. "We're… out? How did we get out?"

"I carried you."

"Did I really…? I'm sorry. I'm so…" Maud's eyes widened. "You carried me? Through that wasteland? How on earth did you…"

"I stopped using the transmitter and relied on instinct. You should try it sometime."

"Instinct? But…"

"It's not chaos out there. There's a rhythm out there, the same rhythm that controls this world. Whatever made the outside like that touched Equestria, too."

Maud made a pained expression.

"You don't have to tell me anything if it hurts you." He looked at her face. It was completely different than the blank look he was used to seeing. "You aren't emotionless at all, are you?"

"That… that was a lie," Maud said. "Everything else was true. Celestia did make me, and she did give me an interest in rocks, but for the most part, I can feel emotions just like any other pony. Celestia tried making emotionless rock department heads, but they were all failures. You don't become cold and logical without emotions. You become unable to prioritize. Unable to function. Reason derives from emotion in ways you can only understand once you've lost it.

"I tried to subdue my emotions, and look at how it turned out. I thought if I could be cold and logical, and explain everything clearly, then I could avoid another disaster like what happened with my fiancée." She looked down. Tears gathered in her eyes. "I was wrong."

She cried into Constantly's shoulder for a bit. "Don't worry," he said, "I'll always be here for you."

She let out a laugh. "I'm not into stallions."

"I'm not into mares. But don't think about it logically. After that, don't you just feel, emotionally, that we should stick together?"

"But what would we do?"

"Well, first of all, never go out there again. And there is one thing I've always wanted to do."

"What?"

Constantly Desperate smiled. In the distance, he could vaguely see Canterlot Castle. "There's something I've wanted to talk to Celestia about for a while…"