Twilight's Conundrum (and other tales)

by Scriber

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance, Trixie, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Main 6
Length: 2412

this is why we don't write fanfics about such things

Coming to your eyesockets straight from this author's demented brain, it's "Twilight's Conundrum (and other tales)." Originally started as a Google Doc shared among friends, this horrendous assortment of one-shot stories will be sure to bedazzle and delight...or viciously offend. Or something like that.

Reader beware: rather mature subject matter lie within. Don't blame me if your mom/girlfriend/roommate/sausagedeliveryman catches you reading.

Published 2012-03-27 13:44:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-01 16:05:03 UTC

oh god how did this get here, i am not good with computer

oh god how did this get here, i am not good with computer

This is a story about anal beads.

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, Twilight Sparkle was reading a motherfucking book about magic or some shit. All of a sudden, Pinkie Pie broke the fourth wall with a convenient plot device.

“YO TWILIGHT I GOT THIS BOOK, YO!” the pink earth pony cried orgasmically.

“OH SHIT, THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT, PINKS?!” the purple unicorn mare shrieked in response. Twilight levitated the book over to herself through the use of pure motherfucking magic.

“YO TWILIGHT, IT’S A BOOK ABOUT FUCKING SEX TOYS OR SOME SHIT, I DON’T REALLY KNOW HOW I GOT HERE, SO I’M GONNA PEACE.” With that, the pink pony evaporated into thin air.

Twilight Sparkle read the book in a nanosecond, because she’s a motherfucking pony that fucking reads books all the time and is probably really good at reading books in nanoseconds or some shit like that.

“OH SHIT!” she shouted. “EY YO SPIKE, I GOTTA GO OUT FOR A LITTLE WHILE, DON’T FUCKING SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE OR ANYTHING WHILE I’M OUT, YOU DUMB LITTLE DRAGON CUNT, AYE?”

“YEAH YEAH, BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS YOU SNIVELING CUMGUZZLER,” the baby dragon shouted in response.
With a shimmer of lavender light and a loud motherfucking pop, Spylight Twarkle fucking teleported herself to the sex shop.

“EY YO!” she greeted the shopkeep. “I HEARD YOU GOT SOME ANAL BEADS OR SOME SHIT?”

“YEAH, DUDE, WE TOTALLY GOT FUCKIN ANAL BEADS, YO,” the shopkeep replied. “WHAT KIND OF MOTHERFUCKIN ANAL BEADS WAS YOU LOOKIN FER, ANYWAYS?”

“FUCKED IF I KNOW, BRO, I JUST FUCKING GOT HERE, DIG? CHILL, DUDE! DUDE. DUDE, BRO.”

“AIGHT, AIGHT, TAKE A FUCKIN LOOK AROUND OR SOME SHIT, I’LL BE HERE AT THE COUNTER JACKING OFF OR SOMETHING,” the shopkeeper said.

Towlot Sporkle walked around the fucking store for like five minutes and probably sucked at least two dozen dicks before she found just what she was looking for - a box of motherfucking vibrating anal beads in the shape of Princess Celestia’s head. She gleefully encompassed the box in her unicorn magic and trotted excitedly back towards the front of the store.

“DUDE, YO! YO, DUDE, I THINK I FOUND JUST WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR!” Twilight bellowed.

“OH YEAH DUDE, THOSE ARE REALLY FUCKIN POPULAR OR SOME SHIT, JUST BE CAREFUL YOU DON’T LIKE PUNCTURE THE WALLS OF YOUR ANUS BECAUSE I’M PRETTY FUCKED IF I GET SUED AGAIN, DIG?”

“YEAH, BRO, I CAN DIG IT. HOW MUCH ARE THESE FUCKING CELESTIA ANAL BEADS, BRO?”

“BRO DUDE, THEY’RE LIKE FORTY BITS OR SOME SHIT, I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!” Litwlight Karpskle vomited money on the countertop and left.

~a short time later~

Twilight Sparkle, the purple unicorn, fucking phase-shifted back into existence in the motherfucking library.

“YO SPIKE, I’M GONNA GO DO SOME SHIT IN MY ROOM FOR A SEC, DON’T FUCKING COME UP HERE OR I’LL CUT OFF YOUR TAIL AND MOUTH-FUCK YOU TO DEATH WITH IT, Y’HEAR?”

“YEAH I’M PRETTY SURE I FUCKING GOT THE POINT,” Spike answered.

Sparkle Twilight walked up the stairs to her room and shut the motherfucking door with a MAGNIFICENT BACK KICK.
She then proceeded to shut the blinds, light exactly - FUCKING EXACTLY - seventeen scented candles, and put on some fucking soulful music to set the mood or some shit.

“NOW LET’S FUCKING SEE,” she shouted at the box of anal beads, “I’M SUPPOSED TO PUT THE WHOLE THING INSIDE MY ASSHOLE AND YANK THEM OUT WITH NO LUBE, RIGHT? YEAH THAT SOUNDS ABOUT FUCKING RIGHT TO ME, LET’S DO THIS SHIT.”

And then she died five minutes later from massive blood loss.

THE FUCKING END
(it was an emotional rollercoaster)

Chapter Eleven: Taco Night

ENT. TRIXIE, stage left.

TRIXIE: HOLY CUNTING DICKSHITS, I’M FUCKING HUNGRY.

ENT. TREE, stage right.

TREE: EY YO, SUP TRIX?!?!?

TRIXIE: OH SHIT GODDAMN, IT’S A TALKING TREE OR SOME SHIT!

Trixie puts on her robe and wizard’s cap.

TRIXIE: IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA’S CURLY PUBES, I SHALL ORALLY IMBIBE YOUR CONIFEROUS TREASURES!

TREE:(to audience) OH SHIT, DIS BITCH BE TRIPPIN, YO! BITCH THINKS SHE’S GONNA EAT MY MUTHAFUCKIN’ PINE CONES? FUCK NO. NO, BRO. NO.

The tree soils itself.

TRIXIE: HOW DARE YOU SOIL YOURSELF IN MY PRESENCE?! YOU ARE A FILTHY, FILTHY TREE AND YOU MUST BE PUNISHED!

A lambent purple glow encompasses the blue unicorn mare’s horn as she summons her demon magic. She casts her spell. The tree grows EXACTLY - FUCKING EXACTLY - fourteen and ¾ tree penises.

TREE: OH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT, YO? I GOT TREE DICKS!

TRIXIE: GODDAMN RIGHT YOU GOT TREE DICKS, MOTHERFUCKER!

TREE: THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS SHIT, TRIX?!?!

TRIXIE: I want you to fuck that Maple tree.

ENT. MAPLE, stage right.

MAPLE: FILL MY FILTHY TREE HOLES WITH YOUR TREE DICKS!

Trixie teleports over to the tree, snatching up three or four pine cones. She stuffs them greedily into her mouth, moaning in ectasy.

TRIXIE:(mouth full) OSHIT, TFFESE PFFINECONEFS RR GUD.

TREE: MAPLE, WAIT! I’M NOT READY FOR A FULL TIME RELATIONSHIP!

MAPLE: PINE, YOU BE TRIPPIN’! I JUST WANT YOUR KNOBBY WOOD INSIDE OF ME! DO IT YOU FUCKING PUSSY!

The tree is miffed.

TREE: WELL, YOU FUCKING ASKED FOR IT!

The pine tree mounts the maple tree, its 14 and ¾ tree dicks undulating and twisting madly as Ray Charles impassively looks onward.

MAPLE: OH SHIT THIS IS PROBABLY GOOD OR SOME SHIT, I DON’T KNOW, I’M A FUCKING TREE!

TREE: WAIT, WE’RE TREES?!

TRIXIE: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE DOING MAPLE BARE-BARK!

THAT WAS THE WORST PUN EVER, BRB GONNA GO DROWN MY SORROWS IN A TUB OF ICE CREAM

Chapter 3.14: Complex Mathematical Joke

The pink pony hovered in mid-air, cursing angrily at the sheets of paper in front of her.

"MAN FUCK YOU CALCULUS MAN, YOU DON'T MAKE NO SENSE OR NONE OF THAT SHIT!" Pinkie Pie wisely stated, while the Notorious B.I.G. nodded in sympathy, crocheting a colourful yarn holster for his PIECE.

"I MEAN LIKE SRSLY, Y'ALL, THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? WHAT'S A PONY GOTTA DO UP IN HEAH TO CATCH SOME MUH-FUCKIN' SLACK?!"

Rarity appeared in front of her, strapped to a cart-full of pies.

"EY YO PINKS, CHECK OUT DIS SHIT I GOT FROM FUCKIN' MRS. CAKE OR SOME SHIT!" The elegant white unicorn sang out in a shockingly precise vibrato.

"YO, EYY, RARES'! THE FUCK IS YOU DOIN' WIT' ALL DEM PIES, YO?!" Pinkie Pie politely asked, her eyes large enough to legally declare independence from their sockets.

"HAH I DUNNO, PROB'LY GOT DRUNK AGAIN OR SOME SHIT AND ORDERED A MOTHAFUCKIN' SHITLOAD OF PIES, YO. YOU WANT SOME FUCKIN' PIES, DUDE?"

"HELLS YEAH DIS PONY WANTS PIE, YO!" Pinkie Pie willed the papers of complex mathematical equations into nothingness for NO CLEARLY GIVEN REASON, and she leaped upon the cart-full of pies with much vigor.

Yea, with a grandiose bravado did the young pink pony set upon the serendipitously-procured lot of confectionery, her mandibles bobbing to and fro with each chew. Bibbly bobbly, wot wot.

"I do declare!" Pinkie exclaimed in a surprisingly succinct deep southern accent. "Why, these here cherry pies are simply divine!"

"EY YO, I COULD TEACH YOU MUH-FUCKAS A THING OR TWO 'BOUT EATIN' MUH-FUCKIN' CHERRY PIES, YO," Rainbow Dash declared, while Cheerilee blushed bashfully at her side.

LESBIAN JOKE DONE, NO NEED FOR ANOTHER FOR THE REST OF THE STORY

Dicks (dicks everywhere)

Twilight motherfucking Sparkle stood behind the podium. She gave a motherfucking speech.

"Yo, ponies. I know we've all seen a lot of dicks in the past couple of days. Dicks in our salads, dicks in our coffee - fucking hell, dicks fucking everywhere! Why, just this morning, I found not only a dick in my cereal, but a whole fucking bag of dicks perched precariously on a shelf in my motherfucking pantry! The dick situation...no..."dicksuation" is getting way outta fucking hoof, yo. I say we gotta do somethin' about it. I'm tired'a all these motherfuckin' dicks all up in my treehouse/library combination, yo! I've had it up to fuckin' here with dicks leapin' outta my fuckin' vacuum cleaner all nimbly-wimbly, makin' a fuckin' scene with their gallavanting and general dick shenanigans! I don't want no more dicks congregatin' 'round my fuckin' coffee machine, talkin' 'bout their Celestia damned weekends!"

"Yeah! Dicks are lame!" Shouted a totally not-gay rainbow-maned pegasus in the crowd.

"Totally the lamest fuckin' shit!" Princess Luna affirmed, adorning her face with some DAVID CARUSO QUALITY SUNGLASSES, YO.

"Ah...I tend to disagree," Braeburn piped up, because HE'S TOTALLY FUCKING GAY IN A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF FANFICS.

"The fuck is a 'dick', now?" Swaggy Belle asked.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I SEW YOUR VAGINA SHUT," Rarity bellowed.

"Dicks are pretty fucking dumb, yo," Twilight continued. "I mean, who wants a fucking barrel of dicks delivered to their doorstep at six o' clock in the fucking morning, yo?!"

"Oops! My bad!" Derpy shrieked.

"EY YO, DERPY!" Dash cried. "How come yo' voice is different from before?"

"I DUNNO, G!" Derpy replied. "PROBABLY 'COZ SOME FUCKING OVERSENSITIVE ARTIST OR SOME SHIT ROSE UP A FUCKIN' STINK ABOUT IT FOR NO OTHER POSSIBLE REASON THAN TO FURTHER INFLATE THEIR ALREADY OVER-INFLATED EGO!"

"YEAH, I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE, YO," Dash said as she nodded her head, whilst wondering whether or not taking a massive dump during a sonic rainboom would turn it into an ironic shitboom.

"SO IT'S AGREED?" Spylight Twarkle asked. "WE TAKE ALL THE DICKS?"

"WE TAKE ALL THE DICKS!" The crowd thundered in response.

And then they totally took all the fucking dicks.

Chapter Fish: A Red Herring

It had been on her mind for the better part of the week.

Spylight Twarkle worked fucking furiously, her library in a complete and total state of disarray as the purple unicron fucking levitated insane amounts of books 'n shit. Half-eaten remains of breakfast, lunch and dinners past littered various desks and bookshelves as Spike did his best not to have palpitations.

"EY YO TWILIGHT, THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT, YO?" Spike posited.

"Well, you snivelling little cunt of a purple whelp," Twilight began calmly, "I am in the midst of some research regarding a resident of this town. It is alleged by some that while she may appear to be a young pegasus filly, she is actually in fact a chicken in disguise."

"...THE FUCK?" Spike shrieked in his best Madonna impression. "ARE YOU FOUR-LEGGED PONY MUTHAFUCKAS REALLY THAT DIM, YO? IS YOU FOR REALS?"

"Evidently, yes."

With that, Spike turned to the audience. Twilight froze in the background as the stage lights dimmed and a spotlight shined on him.

"Ey yo," his monologue began, "this shit be cray-cray. For reals. I ain't stickin' around ta' see what dis crazy-ass mare gets her plot into again, y'all dig? I'm AUDI-5000, yo. Peace!"

The stage lighting resumed normalcy. Twilight unfroze.

"EY YO TWI, IMMA PEACE!" Spike shouted through a hastily constructed megaphone comprised of discarded scrolls and parchment.

"AIGHT, AIGHT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HEAH, DEN!" Twilight bellowed.

And so, for a time, the research continued. Twilight looked into every possible avenue at her disposal, silently thanking Celestia for her generous donation of books to be used for this very purpose - the pursuit of knowledge. To put it frankly, she was so fucking hyped that her hype-meter was overhyped, yo. Word. Anyway, after looking into several rather obscure leads, she pounded her head off the table in frustration.

"Goddamn, yo! How the fuck is Scootaloo a goddamn chicken?!"

"Bock bock?" Scootaloo replied.

When Twilight bonked her head off of the desk, she actually knocked herself unconscious. This is just a dream sequence, totally not the fact that the may or may not have ruptured a blood vessel inside her skull, suffering a subdural hematoma.

Twilight's eyelids twitched as she whirled to face her arch-nemesis: Dr. Scootaswag. Her rival was dressed in her usual garish display of various bath towels and curtains, cackling maniacally for NO CLEARLY GIVEN RAISIN.

"We meet again, Spylight Twarkle!" The mad doctor taunted, absentmindedly picking at a CONVENIENTLY PRODUCED bag of chicken feed.

"Goddammit, yo, the name's Captain Twilight-muthafuckin'-licious, yo!" Twilight shouted back. This is what she usually referred to herself as in a dream sequence.

"Captain Twilight-muthafuckin'-licious?" Dr. Scootaswag shrieked. "I'd rather die!"

"HAVE AT YOU!" Twilight replied, producing a pair of rather bloody sharp bladed.

And then they dueled or some shit, and Twilight woke up in the hospital a couple of days later or some other shit, but she was totally fine. Probably. I mean, I still haven't explained how she appeared in subsequent chapters if she was supposedly dead by the end of the first chapter from blood loss.

ANYWAY, END

Interlude: Obligatory Scootabuse

Interlude: Obligatory Scootabuse

“EY YO SCOOTS, IMMA HIT YOU WIT DIS MUTHAFUCKIN’ BRICK, YO!” the cyan pegasus mare screeched, flying a few feet off the ground. Cradled in her left forehoof was a hefty looking brick.
“AW SHIT RAINBOW DAYASH, DON’T BE TRIPPIN’, YO!” the orange pegasus filly shrieked in response, whilst performing a SUPER AWESOME ULTRA MEGA 720 TRIPLE SOW COW MOTHERFUCKING BACKFLIP with her MOTHERFUCKING SCOOTER.

“EY YO, NAW, SERIOUSLY, IMMA HIT YOU WIT DIS FUCKIN BRICK, YO!” Rainbow Dash sang in a hauntingly beautiful opera voice, cause she’s fuckin boss and don’t you fucking question what the Big RD can and can not do in dis story, bra. NAH, BRA. DON’T DO IT, BRA.

“AW SHIT, MAYNE, WE GOTTA BAIL!” Scootaloo yelled at her friends, Swaggy Belle and Swagplebloom.

“FUCKIN FUCK, MARE, I THINK DAT RD’S ACTUALLY PROBABLY GONNA SMACK YO ASS UPSIDE DA HEAD WIT DAT MUTHAFUCKIN’ BRICK, YO!” Swagplebloom shouted, while balancing a plate of oatmeal on her forehead and playing chess with the elderly FOR NO FUCKING REASON WHATSOEVER.

“AIGHT, AIGHT, LET’S FUKKIN PEACE!” Swaggy Belle roared, already behind the wheel of her SUPA BOMB-ASS GHETTO 1979 CADILLAC CUTLASS, YO. G.

...g.

“AY YO, DEYSE BE GETTIN’ AWAY!” Rainbow Dash berated herself. “I GOTS TA TURN MY SWAG ON!”

Then there was a car chase scene with appropriate cinematics, three ponies died from multiple gunshot wounds, and Celestia probably didn’t do shit about it.

DA FUKKEN END, YO