Equestriooo

by MythrilMoth

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Other, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Adventure Time
Length: 6517

A collection of short stories about people from Ooo and ponies from Equestria.

A collection of short stories in which the inhabitants of the land of Ooo and the inhabitants of Equestria interact in various ways.

May contain farting, poo, swords, dogs, apples, and lumps.

Published 2014-03-21 00:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-25 20:46:09 UTC

Ice King Ball

Mornings were always cold in the Crystal Empire. It wasn't unusual for the air to be a bit nippy.

It was, however, unusual for ponies in the vicinity of the Crystal Palace to be frozen in blocks of ice.

Shining Armor cantered around the palace, panic growing as he found more and more of his guards turned into ice sculptures. "Oh man...Peytral! Maximillian! Genji!" He cried out the names of the frozen guards as he examined each one. "Flash Sentry!" He skidded to a stop in front of the pegasus. Frowning, he reached out and tipped him over. He shattered with a satisfyingly loud crack.

In Shining Armor's head, anyway. In reality, he just rolled around on the floor with a nice, chunky ice-on-glass sound.

He shook his head. "What's going on here?"

Cadance appeared a few feet away in a heart-shaped burst of light. "Shiny!" she cried. "Help!"

"Cadance!" Shining pointed at the frozen guards. "We're under attack! The guards are--"

"Forget them!" Cadance screamed, hiding under her husband.

Shining jumped as her horn goosed him in a particularly tender spot. "What's gotten into you?"

"It's what WANTS to get into me!" Cadance said. At that moment, a hunched, blue-robed man with ice-blue skin, a bushy white beard, and a jeweled crown floated into the room.

"THERE you are, Princess!" he cooed. "C'mon, give us a kiss!"

"EWW! No! Go away, you gross old man!"

Shining stood in between his wife and the intruder, pawing the floor with a hoof and snorting. "Ice King! I should've known. No, really, I should've. I mean, the guards are frozen solid...it's kind of obvious now that I think about it."

Ice King made an annoyed sound. "Hmm. I don't wanna fight you, Shining Armor. You're boring. You're a BORING HERO! You don't deserve a beautiful princess like her!"

A magic bubble snapped into place around the Ice King and began bouncing him around the room. "Whuh...hoo...whuzzah..."

"Don't hurt him too much," Cadance said. "He IS elderly."

"Okay, fine," Shining said. He trotted calmly outside, dribbling the Ice King ball with his magic. Once he had cleared the palace entrance, he reared up into a basketball shooting stance. The Ice King screamed as he was flung out of the Crystal Empire, all the way back to his frozen mountain domain.

"Nice shot," Cadance said, trotting alongside her husband and nuzzling him. "Come on, let's thaw out the guards with the power of our love."

The royal couple gathered up all the frozen guards and levitated them into the throne room. Once all the guards were accounted for, Cadance and Shining Armor started making out. The power of their hot, burning love for each other thawed all the guards except one: Flash Sentry.

Shining Armor scratched his head with a hoof. "Huh. Watching us make out didn't thaw him out."

Cadance frowned. "There's only one sexy pony that can get Flash Sentry all hot and bothered. Your sister."

Shining and Cadance looked at one another.

"Let's go get some breakfast."

"Yeah."

And that's the legend of how Flash Sentry came to be an ice sculpture in the Crystal Palace Gardens.

Grape Bubblegum

"Okay, it's all set up!"

Princess Bubblegum dusted off her hands and looked around at the brand-new, state-of-the-art lab setup in the basement of the Golden Oaks Library.

Twilight Sparkle stared in awe and delight at all the shiny, gleaming lab equipment. "Wooooow," she breathed. "We can do some serious science with all this!" She smiled up at the candy princess. "Thank you, Princess Bubblegum."

"It's the least I could do," Princess Bubblegum said. "I mean, since we're roomies now and all. I should be thanking you for letting me remodel your lab!"

"Well, our science is nowhere near your level, and I'm excited to learn!" Twilight said, clapping her hooves.

Princess Bubblegum put on her white lab coat and safety glasses. "Ready to make sweet, sweet science?"

"You know I am!" Twilight replied happily, donning her own safety glasses.

For six straight hours, puffs of varying colors of smoke erupted from the new chimney sticking out of the top of the mighty tree that housed the library and royal dwelling. The ground occasionally shuddered from mild explosions.

By nightfall, the two princesses were sprawled out on Lady Rainicorn, who was curled up in the main reading room. "That...was...amazing," Twilight said breathily.

"I've never known anyone who could keep up with me like that before," Princess Bubblegum said with a silly smile. "Twilight, you rule."

"당신의 두 사람은 너무 유사하다," Lady Rainicorn said. "당신이 함께 아기를 확인해야합니다!"

"Hey, you're right!" Princess Bubblegum said with a wide smile.

"Hmm? What'd she say?" Twilight asked.

"I'll tell you in the morning," Princess Bubblegum replied sleepily.

The next morning, the two princesses stood in the lab. Princess Bubblegum busied herself with carefully measuring volumes of colorful chemicals into test tubes and beakers, and a Bunsen burner sent a thin stream of pink smoke up from a bubbling tube of pink sludge.

Twilight immediately noticed something unusual about the candy princess. "Did you cut your hair?"

"Yes, I did!" Princess Bubblegum replied, running a hand through her short pageboy cut. "I needed the biomass for today's experiment."

"Biomass?" Twilight asked, tilting her head.

At that moment, the door to the lab opened, and Spike tottered in, carrying a wooden crate twice his size. "I got the grape lollipops you wanted, PB," Spike said.

"Thank you, Spike," Princess Bubblegum said as the dragon set the crate down with a grunt. She walked over to a sheet-covered table and removed the sheet. Upon the table lay her severed hair, spread out in a tangled, gooey mass. "Twilight, would you please unwrap all the lollipops and pile them on the table with my hair? Just stick them in there wherever they'll fit."

"Umm...okay," Twilight replied, blinking. Her horn lit up as she lifted the entire mass of lollipops out of the crate, unwrapped each one, and stuck them all to the pink hair. She made certain that each piece of candy was touching the bubblegum hair.

"Well that's gross," Spike said.

Princess Bubblegum studied the mass of hair and lollipops, and nodded. "Perfect. Now, I require one more thing." She picked up a pair of scissors and walked over to Twilight. "May I cut a small sample of your hair? I need about a gram. Maybe less."

Twilight frowned. "What's this for?"

"You'll see," Princess Bubblegum said, with a creepy smile that matched Twilight's most terrifying insane grins.

"Well, alright," Twilight said. "Umm...is it okay if it's from my tail?"

"Mane, tail, coat, whichever," Princess Bubblegum said indifferently.

"Okay then...just make it nice and even, alright? Rarity will throw a fit if my tail isn't perfect."

"Of course!" Princess Bubblegum said. She walked behind Twilight, bent down, and using a comb as a level, she carefully cut off an inch of Twilight's tail.

Twilight levitated a dustpan and a small broom from the corner and swept up the fallen hair. "Okay, so what did you want to do with this?"

Princess Bubblegum pointed to the burbling pink gunk in the test tube. "Put it in there," she said.

Twilight complied, adding her tail hair to the goop. The hair sank into the crud, which slowly turned a bright, vivid purple. "Perfect!" Princess Bubblegum cried happily, clapping. Using tongs, she removed the test tube from the burner and poured it into a flask of dark yellow fluid, then stirred it with a glass rod. She picked up the flask and carried it over to the mass of hair and lollipops. "Oh, I hope this turns out better than the last time..."

"What exactly are you doing?" Twilight asked.

"Well...remember how I told you that all the people of my kingdom are made of candy?" Princess Bubblegum asked. "Well, I'm creating a new candy person. A very special candy person." Before Twilight could ask another question, Princess Bubblegum poured the potion onto the candy pile.

As the potion seeped in, the pile began to bubble and warp. The lollipops melted into the gum hair, turning it the same vivid purple as the slorp from the test tube. The mass elongated and smoothed out, taking on a humanoid shape.

"Whoa," Spike said. "Freaky."

Twilight gasped. "Incredible!"

When the process finished, a naked purple bubblegum girl lay on the table. She opened her eyes and yawned. She sat up and looked around, blinking.

She looked like a smaller, purple version of Princess Bubblegum. Her medium-length hair was a slightly darker shade of purple, with a wavy streak of bubblegum pink straight down the middle. She had a stubby horn on her forehead.

Princess Bubblegum held up one of her spare dresses. "Could you stand up, please?"

"Okay, Mommy," the purple girl said, hopping off the table. As she stood, tiny purple wings spread out from her shoulderblades.

Princess Bubblegum blinked. "Hmm. Didn't account for that. Oh well! Rarity's going to have to make you some new clothes anyway." She handed the dress to the girl, who folded her wings and slipped it on over her head.

Twilight stared at the girl. "She looks like you, but...she's purple. And has...wings and a horn...like me?"

"And she has your pink hair streak," Spike added.

Princess Bubblegum beamed. "Twilight, I'd like you to meet Grape Bubblegum. She's our daughter!"

Twilight's eyes widened. "OUR daughter?"

"Yes! Yours and mine! I made her from our combined DNA!" Princess Bubblegum smiled lovingly and stroked Grape Bubblegum's hair.

Grape Bubblegum walked up to Twilight, still slightly unsteady on her feet. "You're pretty, Pony-Mommy!" She hugged Twilight around the neck.

"Uh...thank you...Grape..."

Spike shook his head. "Okay, this is too freaky. I'm outta here."

Piegasm

Applejack trotted up to the tree Apple Bloom had pointed out to her and looked up. The leaves were rustling, and every so often, an apple would fall off seemingly of its own accord. She tilted her hat back and scratched her head. "Now whut'n tarnation...?"

A small greenish-yellow elephant slowly climbed down out of the tree, carefully lowering herself to the ground. "Now Ah can make mah best fresh hot apple pah ever," the elephant said, scooping up the apples with her trunk and placing them in the basket on her back.

Applejack tapped a hoof. "Now just hold up there, Tree Trunks," she said. "You can't just come in here poachin' mah apples!"

Tree Trunks glared balefully up at her. "Now look here. Ah'm jes' a tired ol' lady, wantin' ta do th' one an' only thang Ah'm best at doin', an' that's makin' apple pah. Don't stand there an' tell me with all them apples on all them trees, you cain't let an ol' lady have jes' a few!"

"If you want Sweet Apple Acres apples, ya gotta pay fer 'em!" Applejack declared.

Tree Trunks muttered and started to walk off, still toting the full basket of apples. "Lousy, no respect, tellin' an ol' lady she's gotta pay fer pickin' apples...after I durn near broke mah hip climbin' up that there tree...with mah arthritis an' all..."

Applejack sighed. "Tell ya what," she said. "We'll have a bake-off. If'n you can bake a better apple pie than me, you can have half a barrel of apples a week free." She smiled. "An' if Ah win, you gotta pay double for th' ones you done stole."

Tree Trunks turned and looked at her. "Now Ah know you didn't jes' say you think you can out-pah me."

"You bet your wrinkly hide Ah did."

"Yer on, chil'!" Tree Trunks said.

A short while later, Rainbow Dash sat in front of two plates of piping hot apple pie and a glass of milk. "So all you gotta do," Applejack said, "Is have a piece'a each pie, an' tell us which is better."

"Sure, no problem!" Rainbow said. She took a big bite out of the pie labeled "Pie A". "Heh. I know an Apple family apple pie anywhere!" she said, licking her lips. "That flaky crust, that delicious, gooey filling...nopony in Equestria can bake a better pie than you, AJ!"

"Aw, shucks," Applejack said, fanning herself with her hat.

Rainbow finished off the piece of pie, then drank half the milk. "Okay, now I'll try this other pie."

Applejack and Tree Trunks leaned in expectantly as Rainbow lowered her muzzle to the plate and dove into the pie.

Rainbow's eyes widened. "This..."

Suddenly, the pegasus shot straight into the air, trailing a rainbow. Applejack and Tree Trunks watched as a massive rainbow shockwave exploded across the sky.

Rainbow Dash plummeted to the ground, landing on her rump with a tremendous crash. Her eyes were half-closed and she was moaning and drooling. One hind leg started thumping the ground.

Tree Trunks smirked. "Ah win."

Applejack blinked. She walked over to the table and took a bite of Tree Trunks' pie. Her eyes bugged out. "Whooooooa nelly," she said. She looked back at the elephant, and cleared her throat. "Okay...you win. You get'cher free apples, just like Ah said." She picked up the remainder of Tree Trunks' pie and trotted off to the farmhouse. "Now if you'll excuse me, Ah need some alone time with this here pie..."

Fluttershy's New Family

"Good morning, Fluttershy!" a heavily accented, digitally-processed voice said. "It's time for breakfast! I made you waffles. They look like your Cutie Mark!"

Fluttershy's eyes fluttered open; she rubbed the sleep from them with one butter-yellow hoof. A cheerful electronic face looked down at her from a screen. "Hmm? Oh...good morning, Beemo."

"Come and get it while it's still warm!" Beemo hopped down off the bed and padded out of the bedroom; Fluttershy followed him to the breakfast table. There, she found a plate of butterfly-shaped waffles with strawberry syrup, a sliced orange, and two sunny-side-up eggs, garnished with two petunias from her garden. A cup of hot tea sat next to her plate.

"It looks wonderful, Beemo!" Fluttershy said, fluttering to the table and sitting down. She blinked as she realized that apart from the animals, they were the only two there. "Where are Finn and Jake?"

"Jake went out to have breakfast with Lady, and Finn is hunting in the Everfree Forest," Beemo reported.

Fluttershy frowned slightly. "Hunting again?" She sighed. "I really wish he'd stop doing that. There's more than enough food in Ponyville. He doesn't need to kill defenseless critters for their meat..."

"Oh, he is not hunting a defenseless critter," Beemo said. "He is hunting that seven ton killer boar!"

"Oh," Fluttershy said. "Well that's alright then." She nibbled at her orange. "Do you think he'll be alright fighting that thing by himself?"

"Of course he will!" Beemo said. "Finn is very strong."

Fluttershy began eating her waffles. "Oh my goodness...these are delicious!" She beamed at Beemo. "You're such a good cook. And so adorable!"

Beemo smiled cutely at her. "Yes yes, I know. Beemo is number one best boy in the whoooole world!"

Fluttershy giggled, then finished eating her breakfast in silence. As she ate, Angel hopped up to Beemo and started playing a game of Tetris.

Once Fluttershy finished, she washed the dishes. She'd just finished drying the last of them when the front door opened, admitting Jake. "I'm back," the magic dog called.

"How was your breakfast with Lady?" Fluttershy asked.

"Pretty good," Jake said. "She told me some donk about PB and Twilight having a love child."

Fluttershy gasped. "What?"

"Yeah...I don't think you can really call one of Princess Bubblegum's crazy making-life experiments a love child, even if she did use Twilight's DNA, but whatevs." He paused to bark at Angel, who gave him the middle paw and scampered away. Chuckling, Jake plopped down in front of Beemo and began playing his latest favorite game.

"Umm...shouldn't you go help Finn now that you're back?" Fluttershy asked. "I mean...he's out doing something really dangerous and scary. I wouldn't want him to get hurt."

"Eh, he'll be fine," Jake said.

"But Jake, he might need help bringing alllll that bacon home," Beemo said.

Jake blinked. "Oh yeah, you're right." He stood up and stretched. "Okay, I'm out. Later!"

Fluttershy smiled and began tending to all her animals. It had been a difficult adjustment, having three strangers living in her cottage, but Beemo was thoughtful and adorable, Jake was a lot of fun (and useful to have around), and Finn was brave and strong, frequently making patrols of the Everfree Forest to make sure nothing scary or dangerous wandered into Ponyville.

He was also pretty cute. This thought made her blush as she refilled the water bowl for her birds. She started to sing her favorite Ponytones song. A moment later, Beemo joined in. Even her birds started to sing along with them.

When they had finished two entire choruses of the song, Beemo stood up. "Well, I'm off to my playdate with Button Mash and Sweetie Belle."

"Have a good time!"

The door closed behind Beemo, and Fluttershy was alone again. She sighed. "Oh, Angel. I never thought I'd be sad to be by myself."

A tremendous THUMP outside shook the ground. Fluttershy let out a frightened squeak and flew upstairs. She hung upside-down at the landing, peeking nervously over the top of the stairs.

The door banged open. "I'm home!" Finn called. "And I've got a big donkin' pig!"

Fluttershy flew gingerly down. "Oh, um...alright. Welcome back, Finn. Is Jake with you?"

"Yeah, he's outside chasing a buzzard away from the pig," Finn said. "So, uh...here's a question. What the heck am I gonna do with seven tons of pork?"

"Oh, I wouldn't know," Fluttershy said. "Meat isn't very popular around here."

"Aww, dumptrucks," Finn said. "I wanna eat as much of this pig as I can, but me and Jake together can only eat like fifty pounds of it before it goes bad." He scratched his chin. "If only we had a smokehouse or something..."

Fluttershy thought for a moment. "Maybe Applejack and Big Macintosh can help you build a smokehouse?" she suggested. "And I'm sure there are a few ponies who'd like to taste boar meat. You know, just to say they'd tried it."

"Sweet!"

A few days later, all of Ponyville gathered for a massive feast to celebrate the opening of Ponyville's first ever smokehouse. They hadn't just smoked the boar; they'd also smoked cheeses, fruits, and vegetables. The Apples had been delighted to discover that using applewood in the smokehouse gave everything a nice flavor.

"This. Is. AWESOME!" Rainbow Dash said as she took a big bite of a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich.

"I agree. This isn't bad at all," Twilight Sparkle said as she sliced off a bite of ham steak and ate it.

"I believe I'll stick to the smoked cheese and apples, thank you," Rarity said as she daintily popped a cracker topped with smoked cheese and apple into her mouth.

Finn, meanwhile, was in hog heaven. "Jake?"

"Yeah, buddy?"

"This? Is the best thing I ever killed."

"Yeah."

Rude Customer

Rarity was rearranging some displays when the bell over the door jingled. "Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is unique, chic, and magnifique!" she carolled.

"Shah...whatever."

Rarity turned slowly on the spot, and her face began to twitch.

Lumpy Space Princess had just floated through the door.

"Err...hello, dear," Rarity said. "What...can I help you find today?"

LSP floated around the shop, eyeing Rarity's dresses with disdain. "You call this fashion?" she said scornfully. "You're like, delusional or something."

Rarity's twitch threatened to develop into a spasm. She coughed delicately into a hoof. "Well, you must understand, darling...whatever your...species...considers fashionable, might not be the same as what is considered the height of pony haute couture." She studied the floating purple ball of ugly, fighting to keep her tone cordial. "Is there perhaps anything I might assist you with?"

LSP snorted. "I doubt it," she said. "But...I've got a hot date tonight. I need to look my best. So I guess you can like, try."

"...Very well," Rarity said. "Rush orders carry an additional charge, of course. You understand."

"Tch...fine," LSP huffed. She began to contract, and her face tightened. She grunted and strained, shuddering in midair. Rarity's eyes widened in alarm.

With a final loud, pained grunt and a disgustingly wet slurping noise, a gold brick fell out of LSP's body and clattered on the floor. Rarity reared, whinnying. "That's DISGUSTING!" she cried.

"What? You don't lumping like gold?" LSP said, annoyed.

"I like gold just fine," Rarity said, studying the brick lying on her showroom floor. "It's...where it came from that bothers me."

"Whatever," LSP huffed. "Are you gonna make me a hot date outfit or not?"

Rarity sighed. "Very well, I suppose so," she said.

"I knew you couldn't resist being my fashion slave," LSP said. She floated to the door, opened it, and hauled in a rusty wagon full of assorted rubbish: torn, soggy scraps of cardboard, a few brown paper bags, and a rusty, bent barrel hoop. "Here's your like, material," LSP said. "Now hurry the lump up!"

Rarity's eye twitch turned into a full-on facial tic. "You..." she growled. Her horn began to glow brightly.

A few passing ponies reared in alarm as a wagon of trash, a lumpy purple princess, and a gold brick were launched out the front door of Carousel Boutique as if shot from a cannon. Rarity stuck her head out, chest heaving and mane frought with stray hairs. Her eyes were narrow, angry pinpricks ringed in bulging veins. "IF YOU COME ANYWHERE *NEAR** MY BOUTIQUE AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY TEAR YOU LUMP FROM LUMP!"*

LSP picked herself up off the ground. "Tch. Rude much?" She gathered up her junk. "Fine. I tried to throw your little one-horse shop some lumping business. I'll make the lumping dress myself. Or maybe I'll go lumping naked! My man loves me for who I am!" Her tirade finished, LSP disappeared into the streets of Ponyville, leaving a crowd of ponies exchanging awkward glances in her wake.

"Hmph!" Rarity sniffed, slamming her front door.

Later that evening, on her way home from the spa, she saw Lumpy Space Princess in the company of Ponyville's resident mule. She was wearing several taped-together paper bags as a dress. Rarity shuddered and returned home.

Tea with the Grey Earl

A unicorn page trotted into Celestia's official study, the less formal receiving room where the ruler of Equestria met with dignitaries and important guests outside of Royal Court. "Your, ah, visitor has arrived, Your Highness."

Celestia nodded politely. "See him in."

The page withdrew; he returned a moment later, accompanied by a tall, thin bidepal being. This creature wore a crisp grey high-collared uniform, with a white sash and black belt. A sheathed sword hung at his side. His head was round and bulbous, tapering to a hairless nub at the top. His flesh was tough, leathery, and yellow; three faint, puckered scars crisscrossed his long-nosed, wide-eyed face. He gave the page a thin-lipped stare. "Announce me," he commanded in a high voice.

The page cleared his throat. "Announcing His Excellency, the Earl of Lemongrab."

Lemongrab narrowed his eyes. "You did not announce my purpose," he hissed.

The page gave the Earl a panicked look. "Ahem...His Excellency, the Earl of Lemongrab, has come to take tea with Princess Celestia."

"Acceptable," Lemongrab muttered before striding to the table. He bowed. "Princess."

"A pleasure, Earl," Celestia said cordially. "Please, be seated." As Lemongrab sat across from Celestia, a maid poured two cups of hot tea, then retreated. An array of items, from sugarcubes to honey to a small milk pitcher, lay on the table. Celestia levitated the milk pitcher and the bowl of sugarcubes, offering them to Lemongrab. "Milk or sugar?"

Lemongrab nodded. "One lump of sugar and a very small amount of milk, if you please."

Celestia added the requested items, then serviced herself and returned them to the table. As Lemongrab stirred his tea, Celestia levitated a lemon wedge over her own tea. She had just squeezed a few drops in when her eyes widened. "Ahem. Lemon? ...yes, perhaps not."

"Mmmmnnnnmmm," Lemongrab muttered, picking up his cup and sipping it. He studied Celestia over the brim of the cup with his wide, unblinking eyes.

"I regret that I haven't taken time to meet with you sooner," Celestia said. "You are, after all, second in line to Princess Bubblegum's throne."

Lemongrab frowned slightly. "Technically, that is no longer true. If something should happen to Mother Princess, I would now be regent to Grape Bubblegum." He paused. "I think. It is confusing." He set his cup down and clutched his head. "Mother Princess confuses me!" His voice grew more sharp and piercing toward the end.

Celestia stared at him. "Are...you alright?"

Lemongrab closed his eyes, then coughed once. "Forgive me," he said. "I have...suffered much. Lately I am...not sure of myself."

"I...see," Celestia said. Her eyes flicked to the scars that lined the Earl's face. "An...accident?" she hazarded. Before he could answer, she sighed. "Forgive me, it is inappropriate to ask."

Lemongrab said nothing, choosing instead to noisily slurp his tea.

"Well, then..." Celestia sipped her own tea. "I hope you're enjoying Equestria."

"It is...acceptable," Lemongrab said. "Except for the ponies in Appleloosa. They are unacceptable."

Celestia blinked. "The settler ponies in Appleloosa are unacceptable?"

"UNACCEPTABLE!!" Lemongrab declared. "They are noisy and unruly and obsessed with salt. SALT!!" He slammed his teacup down noisily. "Their obsession with salt makes my lemon essence boil!" Even as he said this, his head began to bulge and throb randomly.

Celestia stared at him, unconsciously sliding a half-step away from the table. "I'll...look into that," she said.

Lemongrab settled down. "They are...nice," he said. "And friendly. Just...noisy and obsessed with salt." He finished his tea, stood, and bowed. "Thank you for the tea. It was a pleasure to meet you." With that, he turned and left.

Celestia blinked, nonplussed at his abrupt departure.

After lowering the sun, Celestia paid a visit to the Golden Oaks Library in Ponyville. "Princess Bubblegum," she asked as she located the pink princess, "may I ask you a question about the Earl of Lemongrab?"

Princess Bubblegum sighed. "Oh, what did that butt do this time?"

"There is no cause for alarm," Celestia said. "I simply wish to know if he is...how can I put this politely..."

"Brain-damaged?" Princess Bubblegum asked. She shrugged. "Lemongrab is...complicated. Moreso after he exploded and I put him back together using pieces of his brother. He's actually much calmer now, but...he has some interesting mood swings from time to time."

Celestia blinked. "Put him back together using--"

"It's a long story." Bubblegum shook her head. "Just ignore him unless he kills someone. He's mostly harmless...he's just weird."

Lemongrab strode into the Salt Block Saloon and took a seat at a table. A few uncomfortable minutes passed before a saloon girl placed a glass of water and a small chunk of salt in front of him. He picked the salt up, studied it from several angles, then took an experimental lick. His eyes widened in realization.

"Acceptable."

Seven Colors of Rainbow

* * * * *

"So Peebles knocked you up?"

"NO!"

Rainbow Dash looked up from her book with a sly smirk, savoring the flustered expression on Twilight's face. "So you knocked her up then."

"NO!" Twilight repeated. "Neither of us was knocked up! There was no knocking!"

Rainbow leered. "But you made a baby together."

"No! Well, yes. Well...SHE made the baby," Twilight said. "It's just...I may have added...a little DNA..."

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Yeah I'm pretty sure that's how the whole getting a mare pregnant thing works."

Twilight groaned and rolled her eyes. "Alright, yes, you got me. I grew a magic wiener and we made the craziest, nastiest whoopie in all Equestria. They'll write songs and poems for years about our wild, nasty, too-hot-for-television lovemaking. And then Grape was born."

Rainbow snickered...then let out a full-blown laugh. She held up a tape recorder and gave Twilight a sly, cheeky grin.

Twilight's blood ran cold. "You didn't."

Rainbow clicked the rewind button on the tape recorder, then clicked play. "I grew a magic wiener and we made the craziest, nastiest whoopie in all Equestria," Twilight's voice said from the tape.

Twilight's horn began to spark as her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Rainboooooooow," she growled.

"YOINK!" Rainbow gave Twilight the stink-eye, then disappeared through one of the library's windows. A sonic boom shook the ground, and a rainbow explosion filled the sky. Twilight screamed in frustration and stamped her hooves on the ground, face burning red with embarrassment and rage.

"Rainbow Euphegenia Dash, you are the deadest dead that ever deaded!"

* * * * *

"Howdy RD! Care for an orange?"

Rainbow Dash blinked as she landed next to Applejack's fruit stand. In addition to the usual barrels of apples, there was one large crate of ripe oranges. "Buh?"

Applejack chuckled. "We're tryin' out a fruit exchange. Every month, we'll be tradin' a barrel of our apples for a barrel of some other farm's crop. We're keepin' some fer ourselves, an' sellin' th' rest. This month, it's oranges."

Rainbow shrugged and fished a bit out of her bag. "Sure, I'll take one." She peeled the orange with her teeth, then ate the fruit. "Wow, that's really juicy."

"Eeeyup."

"That's like the juiciest orange I've ever tasted."

Grape Bubblegum walked up to the stand. "Good morning, Applejack! Oh, hello Rainbow Dash! Pony-Mommy is looking for you!" She smiled cheerfully. "She wants to kill you a whole lot!"

Rainbow's eyes bugged out. "Oh crap, she's STILL mad about that?!"

Applejack cocked her head. "What'd you do now, Rainbow?"

Rainbow popped a pair of earbuds into Applejack's ears and clicked play on a tape recorder she held. After a moment, Applejack's eyes widened. Her ears wilted and the earbuds fell out. "Whuh-oh," she said. "Ah think you better run."

"Yeah," Rainbow agreed. "Thanks for the orange!"

* * * * *

Rainbow had to pee.

After her little snack, she'd ducked into the general store to duck Twilight. While there, she'd bought a cola, downed it, then spent a half hour flying around, darting from puffy cloud to puffy cloud, before circling around and heading for home.

She'd spotted Twilight circling her house like a vulture, and had turned tail and zoomed away before she could be spotted.

Now, she was hiding in a medium-sized cloud, which she'd slowly drifted across Ponyville so that she could watch her house from inside it.

She'd been hiding for almost an hour. And she really, really had to pee.

Movement from beneath her house drew her attention. Fluttershy appeared from below, flying up to the front door. Twilight swooped down and landed behind her. Fluttershy gave a frightened start. The two spoke for a long moment. Twilight dove off the front porch, descending toward Ponyville.

Rainbow breathed a sigh of relief. "Whew. Now I can go and—"

"Rainbow," a soft, stern voice said. She blinked.

Fluttershy was right in front of her, hooves on her flanks. She was frowning.

"That wasn't a very nice thing to do to Twilight," Fluttershy said.

"It was just a joke," Rainbow whined.

"Well, it wasn't very funny!" Fluttershy said. "Now, I want you to march right down there and apologize to Twilight."

Rainbow sighed. "Okay, fine. Um...after I stop by my house to pee. Cuz I really gotta pee."

The cloud she was hiding in suddenly turned yellow.

"...nevermind."

* * * * *

Rainbow Dash hid in the upper branches of the Golden Oak Library, surrounded by a veritable ocean of green leaves. She watched as an angry, stiff-winged Twilight glided to a halt on the ground, snapped her wings tight against her sides, and marched stiffly toward the door.

With a sigh, Rainbow dropped a small wrapped package to the ground in front of the irate alicorn.

Twilight blinked as the package landed at her hooves. She picked it up in her magic, opening the note taped to the outside. It read, simply:

"Sorry. - RD"

Twilight unwrapped the package, finding an audio cassette. She smirked, and her horn flared...

Rainbow suddenly found herself face-first on the ground in front of Twilight. "Uh...h-hey, Twilight," she said. "Um...we cool?"

Twilight snorted. "Next time you pull a stunt like that, I'm casting an eternal farting spell on you," she said. She walked past the prone pegasus, slapping her in the face with her tail as she went inside.

* * * * *

Rainbow trotted into Sugar Cube Corner, looking around for a table.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash! Over here!"

Rainbow spotted Finn, the boy who'd moved in with Fluttershy, waving at her, and trotted over, joining him. "Hey," she said. "Nice shirt."

Finn picked at his blue shirt, nodding. "Yeah, it's my favorite shirt. It's blue. You're blue." He smiled. "We're bluuuuuuue."

"Heheh, yeah," Rainbow said. Pinkie trotted over and put a big tray of assorted goodies between them. Finn selected an eclair, while Rainbow scarfed down an iced donut. "So, how's it going with Fluttershy?"

"Good, it's good," Finn said. "She's really nice. You'd think her house would smell like a zoo and have a serious poo problem, but..."

"Yeah, I'm not sure how she does it," Rainbow said. "She's just awesome that way."

"She's already BFFs with Beemo," Finn said as he picked up a cream cheese filled soft pretzel. "That dumb rabbit, though..." He tore the pretzel in half and stuffed half of it into his mouth. "Man, I hate that rabbit. And Jake really hates that rabbit."

"Eh, we all hate Angel," Rainbow said dismissively. "Fluttershy needs to realize how toxic her relationship with that stupid rabbit really is. Or find him a nice girl bunny to go off and make baby bunnies with."

"Yeah, maybe a little girl bunny action would settle him down," Finn said. "Or he'd turn out to be an abusive wife-beater...coming home drunk every night, hitting the wife, hitting the little bunnies..."

"Uhh...yeah," Rainbow said uncertainly. "So hey, catch you later," she said as she snagged a big, thick cookie off the plate and left, flicking a few bits at Pinkie.

* * * * *

Rainbow Dash lay atop a low-drifting cloud, trying to catch an afternoon nap. She was just drifting off to sleep when she heard Rarity clear her throat daintily beneath her.

"Rainbow Dash...would you be a dear and come down here?" Rarity asked.

Rainbow sighed. "Can it wait, Rarity? Trying to take a nap here!"

"It'll only take a minute, darling!" Rarity insisted.

Groaning, Rainbow hopped down off the cloud. "Alright, alright...what do you need?"

"I just need to borrow you and your glorious mane for a moment to do some color-matching."

Rainbow shrugged. "Yeah, okay." She trotted after Rarity, following her into Carousel Boutique. Rarity made Rainbow stand under a large lamp, which she turned on with her magic. "Gah!" Rainbow hissed, wincing at the sudden bright glare; she whipped out her favorite sunglasses and put them on.

"Sorry about that, darling," Rarity said. "I need a pure light source for the best results."

"So uhh...what exactly are we doing?" Rainbow asked.

Rarity levitated several swatches of dark blue fabric over and laid them out on a small bench next to Rainbow. "I need to determine which of these is the purest shade of indigo," Rarity said.

Rainbow looked at the fabric swatches, which to her eye were all more or less the same color. "Uhhh..."

"Yes, I know, they all look the same," Rarity said, rolling her eyes. "But trust me, there's a difference." She put on her work glasses, then levitated a sparkly golden comb over and used it to lift the back of Rainbow's mane, sifting through the strands. "Hmmm," Rarity said, "that's...odd."

"What? Do I have lice or something?"

"No, no..." Rarity said, shaking her head. "I could've sworn...I mean, yes, it looks like your mane is just six colors, but...I could have sworn it was the full spectrum..."

Rainbow blinked. "Huh?"

Rarity held up a lock of Rainbow's mane. "There's no indigo in your mane. It just goes from blue to...well...purple. I mean, this isn't even violet. It's just...purple."

"Actually I'm pretty sure it's violet," Rainbow insisted. "Anyway, that whole indigo thing is just something some egghead unicorn came up with a long time ago. Real, Cloudsdale-approved rainbows are, well..." She gestured at herself with her hooves. "What you see here. Red, orange, yellow, green, sky blue, blue, and violet." She paused. "And yeah, the sky blue is my coat, not in my mane."

Rarity blinked. "I...see," she said.

"Anyway, none of those are indigo," Rainbow said with a shrug. "Half of them are phthalo blue, and the other half are persian blue."

Rarity blinked. "Are...are you sure? Because I'm quite certain my supplier said he used the highest quality indigo dye—"

"Yeah, indigo dye won't give you a dark blue like that," Rainbow said. At Rarity's skeptical eyebrow, she rolled her eyes. "Rarity, I shoot rainbows outta my butt! You think I don't know which color's which?" She chuckled at Rarity's faintly nauseated expression. "Anyway, just pick the one you like best, and don't worry about what you should call it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a nap to get back to. Laters!"

* * * * *

Rainbow awoke from her nap to find the sun had already set. The sky was a beautiful, deep violet, with the stars just beginning to come out. Her stomach rumbled, and she decided to hit Hay Burger before heading home.

She arrived to find Twilight, Princess Bubblegum, and Grape chowing down. Twilight had so much ketchup smeared on her face, her tray, and everywhere else, it looked like she'd mauled some poor creature. Grape looked somewhat disturbed by her co-mother's horrible table manners. Snickering, Rainbow trotted up to the counter to order.

Just as Rainbow received her food, Bubblegum noticed Rainbow and waved to her. "Rainbow Dash, come join us!"

Rainbow balanced her tray on her back and trotted over, perching on a seat next to Grape. She slid her tray onto the table with a wing and began unwrapping a burger. "So uh, hey guys," she said. She looked up at Twilight. "Are you still—"

Twilight shook her head (sending droplets of ketchup splashing to the floor). "I'm not mad. Besides, I pretty much set myself up for it."

"Yeah you did!" Princess Bubblegum said, laughing. "Magic wiener..." She shook her head and munched on an onion ring. "You really are a wiener, Twilight," she said.

"Well...! You're a double wiener!" Twilight huffed, chomping a burger and spraying ketchup all over the place.

"A wiener is you!" Bubblegum said dramatically, pointing at Twilight.

Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Hey kid, you totally embarrassed yet?" she asked Grape.

"All the time," Grape said with a giggle. "All the time."