Orpheus, Thestral Guard

by Syeekoh

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Changelings, Original Character, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 7712

The life and times of a thestral Guard.

Orpheus is a thestral guard under the employ of Princess Luna. These are his misadventures.

Published 2014-03-20 00:30:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-24 05:34:51 UTC

A Star is Born...and Promptly Explodes

“Well, Orpheus, I’ve taken your request under consideration.” Luna said while looking at the thestral standing in front of her. Orpheus was visibly sweating under his armor, waiting for Princess Luna’s decision.

“Yes?” he asked. He then mentally facehooved. Yes? You say yes? Say something else, dammit! “And?” And? What is she, your servant? She’s the damned Princess of the Night! Luna smiled, seeming to enjoy the protracted silence as a small smile escaped her lips. She stared at Orpheus, who was quaking in his horseshoes. Damn it, Orpheus! You’ve just ruined your transfer request! Say something else! “I’m sorry if I offended you, your majesty.” Orpheus then took a bow. Maybe too much? Well, it can’t be any worse than when she made us wear those angry faces when she first made her return on Nightmare Night in Ponyville.

Luna giggled. “You may rise, Orpheus.” Orpheus righted himself. “As for your transfer request, I’ve approved it. You will be accompanying me into the observatory.” Luna then stood up. “Starting now.”

Orpheus’s eyes widened in shock. “Thank you, my liege...but now?”

Luna nodded as she walked out of her study, Orpheus quickly following. “Yes, now. Try and keep up, will you?” Luna trotted quickly through the hallways, Orpheus keeping up. They finally approached their destination. Orpheus looked around the room. Ok, there’s the skylight. There’s the communications changeling, what was its name again, eleven-thirty eight? Yes, that sounds right. But what’s this? An anvil? Why is there an anvil in the observatory? Unless…

“Princess Luna, this appears to be a forge.” Luna giggled.

“Of course it’s a forge.” Orpheus raised an eyebrow.

“But why call it an observatory?”

“Tax write-off.” Luna said as she briskly took center stage in the room.

“But…you’re a Princess. You collect taxes.” Luna shook her head.

“Yes, but we also have to pay them. Technically, the City of Canterlot and the Equestrian Empire collect the taxes.” Orpheus thought on that for a second.

“But how do you get away with this?” Luna chuckled.

“Well, apparently, if the building has to do with stars and has a skylight, it’s an observatory.” Luna then started dragging sidereal matter from the skylight, condensing it on the anvil. “You may want to take a step back.”

“Why—” Orpheus started before an ear-splitting clang was heard and sparks flew from the anvil, which caused Orpheus to leap back, the changeling standing there unfazed. Oh, right. Stars being forged. Orpheus quickly located a singed wall which he quickly ducked behind, then peeked his head out to watch a star being born. He watched, entranced by the process as Luna kept adding more and more starstuff to the anvil as it reported violently with each strike of the blue alicorn’s magic. What started off as a red star soon turned a magnificent orange. He kept watching until the star was the same color as Celestia’s sun, thinking that Luna was finished. What surprised him, however, was that Luna kept adding astral elements until the star turned a burning white as Luna’s magic pealed against the newborn star, which was shining brightly. Good, maybe she’s done—

Orpheus was quickly proven wrong as Luna sucked even more stellular protoplasm from the night sky and infused it into the white star, her magic booming vigorously into it until it turned a lustrous blue as Orpheus watched in awe. He had never seen a blue star before, and the star before him was blooming magnificently.

“It’s...it’s beautiful, your majesty.” Orpheus said. Luna shook her head.

“I’m not done yet.” Orpheus raised an eyebrow. Not done yet? What in blazes could she possibly be planning now? “And would you be a dear and get eleven-thirty eight behind then blast surface?” Orpheus stared at the Lunar Princess in confusion. “Now?” Luna said irritatedly.

“Of course, your highness!” He said as he flexed his bat wings, flying over to the changeling and depositing him behind the blast surface with himself. He then peeked out from behind the surface, where Luna kept adding celestial matter to the blue star as it turned invisible, her magic thundering against the invisible thing as its heat filled the room. Luna, normally stoic, had a worried look on her face as she turned to Orpheus.

“Orpheus, you may want to duck.”

Orpheus nodded and ducked behind the blast surface when he saw blue light flashing above him, blinding him, followed by a cacophonous boom, then nothing as his ears were ringing. His training told him to stay put behind cover until he regained his bearings. His sight returned first, followed by his hearing. He then turned to the changeling who was sitting next to him. “Does she do this often?”

The changeling shook his head. “You have no idea.”

“Hello? Orpheus?” Orpheus raised his head to see Luna firmly planted a foot into the wall in a supine stance.

“Yes, my liege?”

Luna giggled. “Would you be a dear and grab my horn? It appears a bit of it was blown off in the blast, and I can’t extricate myself until it’s reattached.”

“Of course!” Orpheus said while saluting, quickly scanning the room for a piece of horn. Not here. He then spread his wings and powerfully flapped them, exiting the observatory through the skylight, searching the area surrounding the observatory. He quickly spotted it in the palace gardens, where he swooped down and picked it up with his mouth. He returned to the observatory, hovering in front of Luna, the midnight blue alicorn waiting impatiently.

“Well, what are you waiting for! Put it on!” Luna said. Orpheus shook his head and placed the horn gingerly onto Luna’s stub, where it magically reattached itself. Alicorns are the most amazing creatures. Luna then surrounded herself with a blue glow and plucked herself out of the wall, a mad gleam in her eye. “Eleven thirty-eight! Come here!” She barked. The changeling revealed itself from behind the blast surface and buzzed over to Luna, landing gently. Luna then touched her horn to the changeling’s, then spoke.

“Hello? Discord? Ah yes, there you are! Well, my experiment with the ultraviolet flashbang didn’t go as planned...what do you mean, there’s no flash? It flashed blue!...Of course, the light redshifts upon explosion! Everypony knows that!” Orpheus stared at the conversation in shock. I didn’t know that. “Well, I already have a couple, I suppose that’s good for now...yes, yes, you have fun too.” She then disconnected her horn from the changeling.

“Were you talking with...Discord?” Orpheus asked. Luna nodded.

“Why, yes. The flashbang was his idea, after all.”

“Flashbang?”

“How do I explain this...it’s like what you just experienced only on a smaller scale. Here, take one.” Luna then grasped a ball of light that Orpheus was surprised that he didn’t notice earlier and placed it in one of Orpheus’s saddlebags. Luna smiled at Orpheus. “May you use it in good health.”

“Wouldn’t I have to be in a very dangerous situation to even consider using one of these infernal devices?”

“Yes, and it will keep you in good health. Now come on Orpheus, it’s time for my midnight constitutional!” Luna then trotted towards the exit, then looked back at Orpheus seductively. “Try and keep up.” She then cantered out of the room. Orpheus shook his head as he cantered off to catch up with her. I swear, I’ll never understand royalty as long as I live...

The Essence of Ecstasy

Orpheus was lying on a cloud bank alongside Luna, hyperventilating.

“Why…” Orpheus asked with a drawn out breath, “are we stargazing at this altitude?”

Luna giggled. “To reduce light pollution, of course.” Orpheus sighed. Stupid question. Orpheus decided to try a different tack.

“So...what exactly...are we...looking for?”

“We’re looking to see whether stars shift out of alignment,” Luna said, then shifted a star. “Thought you could escape me, Vega, did you?” Luna then turned to Orpheus. “Do you recognize that constellation?”

Orpheus stared at the constellation that Luna was pointing at. He looked at Vega, wondering why he should recognize that constellation. It then hit him. “That’s Orpheus’s Lyre.”

Luna giggled again. “Very good, Orpheus. Now do you know what your namesake was famous for?”

Orpheus nodded. He seemed to be acclimatizing to the altitude quite nicely. “ He could charm all living things, and even rocks, with his lyre. I don’t know how you could charm a rock, though…”

“You know, Rarity once got charmed by a rock…” Luna said. Orpheus stared at Luna. He opened his mouth, then shut it. Best not ask. I don’t really want to know the story behind that one…

Orpheus continued, “He also went to Tartarus to attempt to reclaim his wife Eurydice by charming Hades himself, but that ended in failure when he looked upon her before exiting Tartarus.”

“Sad story, huh?” Luna asked.

“Yes, quite.” Orpheus agreed.

“Do you recognize any other constellations?”

Orpheus looked up at the sky. “Yes. There’s Orion...and there’s Draco.” Luna giggled at that. Orpheus glared at Luna. “What that’s supposed to mean...your majesty?” he said as he quickly remembered himself.

“Oh, nothing...just leave it up to a soldier to recognize the hunter and the dragon.” Luna then leapt up onto her hooves. “Hey, you wanna race down?”

Orpheus giggled. “Princess Luna, we both know that you’re light-years faster than me. There’s no way I’d take you up on that offer.”

Luna grunted, then pulled off a strip of cloud and tied it around one of her wings. “I’ll even do it with one wing tied to my side!” Luna then stamped a hoof. “I’ll even sweeten the deal! If you win, you’ll get a month’s paid leave!”

“And if I lose?”

“You have to go on a date with me tomorrow night.” Luna said with a grin.

Orpheus raised an eyebrow, then got up onto his hooves. This could be interesting. “Alright, you’re on. But you’re paying.” At the very worst, I could get a free meal out of this.

Luna nodded. “Alright, on three. One, two...three!” and they both dropped down below the cloud cover into the night sky. Orpheus quickly pointed himself downwards, angling back his bat wings in such a way to reduce drag most efficiently as he engaged in his dive-bomb. He quickly turned his head to notice Princess Luna was keeping up with him, but was trapped in a rather strange corkscrew motion as she struggled to keep up with Orpheus in her handicapped condition. Orpheus giggled as he picked up speed, the wind blowing through his mane, causing his eyes to tear up. Yes, this was his favorite part of being a thestral. Not the looks the mares gave him for being exotic, not the chance to serve under Princess Luna as her Night Guard...but the pure unadulterated joy of rocketing through the sky at impossible speeds, the adrenaline coursing through his body as he took the dead-drop, only to pull up at the last second.

He had often wonder how to describe this exquisite, unrelenting, singularity of incomparable inspired expressive empathy. An empathy for a state of mind unlike any other he’s chanced a fleeting exploration of. A familiar exploration of a world alien to him—not due to an utterly unfamiliar surrounding reality, whose intricacies and finer shadings amused his already whimsical and adscititious perspective on normalcy. He didn’t need rushing waterfalls and breathtaking scenery to to escape the programmed rat-race regimenting and plaguing his practiced life. All he really seemed to use to unwind his mind were the tools needed to deprioritize drivel and strip bare the prejudicial dams in the flowing river he called his ego. Personality and social mores took a backseat to the exegetic nature of refocused reality, a multifaceted disease unfolded and lain flat, in order to ascertain and pinpoint incisively what he exemplified by his actions and what he knew in his heart to be apodeictic sans his inner voice of personal shame or the herd mentality instrumental to the survival of his ancestor's imprint.

Yes, flight was his addiction, but to call it an addiction seemed to almost trivialize it. It almost seemed...spiritual, in a sense, although spirituality was phased out in ponies after the revelation of the God-Princesses among their midst. Still, it seemed the only word applicable for what he was experiencing at this moment, the essence of ecstasy. Orpheus then noticed the ground sharply coming up to him, to which he extended his eight-foot wingspan, saving him from certain death at the cost of speed. He looked around, not seeing Princess Luna anywhere. Better take my time with this. Don’t want to be a spatter on the ground. He quickly lowered himself onto the ground. A foot before he reached it, though, he heard a resounding crash to his left, causing him to quickly look in that direction. He touched the ground and galloped at full speed towards the source of the sound, leaping over ejecta that was splayed about, finally coming across a large crater, where a very dazed Princess of the Night was decumbent in the center. Orpheus looked over the lip. “Are you alright, my liege?”

Princess Luna lifted her head, smiling when she saw Orpheus. “Yes, We are fine.” She then sat up. “Well, did we win?” Orpheus noticed that she was using Early Equestrian. Must have been quite a blow.

Orpheus thought on that for a second. Well, I could really use a month’s paid leave. I’ve always wanted to visit Griffonia, or even the Minotaur Lands. But it wouldn’t really do to lie to the Princess...plus I could use the free meal. Orpheus the cleared his throat. “Yes, Princess Luna, you won. I was a foot above the ground before you impacted.”

Luna then whooped. “Oh, joyous day! We hope thou doth not forget this display of power!”

Orpheus rolled his eyes. “Wouldn’t dream of it...your majesty.” he quickly added.

Luna then stared at the thestral expectantly. Orpheus stared back. “Well, aren’t thou going to help us out of this crater we have created?”

Orpheus sighed. “Yes, your majesty.” He then extended his wings and flew down to Princess Luna, ripping off the cloud used to tie her wings down. She then smiled and flexed her wings, taking off. Orpheus noticed that she failed to take into account the dizziness that comes with such a crash as she spun in the air wildly, slamming her head down on the ground above the lip. Orpheus flew up to her. “My liege?”

Luna shook her head. “My, that was quite a crash. Did I win?”

Orpheus facehooved. This is where she loses her memory? “Yes, Princess, you won.”

“Yes! In your FACE!” she shouted while pointing a hoof at Orpheus. “Come on, let’s head back to the palace!” she cried out, flying in the direction of Ponyville.

“Princess, if I may be so bold, Canterlot is in the other direction.”

Luna stopped midair, then giggled and flew in the direction of Canterlot. Orpheus facehooved again, then spread his leathery wings to follow in Luna’s stead.

Dare to Dream

Orpheus finally made it to the Palace Gardens, where Luna was waiting expectantly. He shook his head and landed. Luna nodded. “What took you so long?”

Orpheus sighed. “Your majesty, not all of us are immortal alicorns.”

Luna sharply turned and started cantering away. “I suppose so. Come on, Orpheus.”

Orpheus stared at the retreating form of his Princess. Did I say something wrong? He then quickly caught up with her and followed her around the castle. After a series of twists and turns, they had come to a pair of obsidian doors with crescent moons carved into them. Luna opened a door and waved Orpheus in. Orpheus stalled.

“Well, aren’t you going to come in?” Luna asked.

“But my liege, these are your private chambers.”

Luna shook her head. “Yes, I know that! Now come in!” She entered the room. Orpheus shrugged and followed.

What he saw could only be described as...uncharacteristically simple. There was a mahogany bed in the corner, which Luna was standing by, and an oak desk beside it. In fact, the only luxuries she afforded herself were the mirror atop a teak vanity and whatever the carpet was made of. He ran his hoof across the carpet, delighting in the soft brown under his hooves.

“Do you like it?” Luna asked with a smile across her face.

“Yes, quite. What’s this material? I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like this before.” Orpheus responded.

“It’s bear fur.” Oh Luna! Orpheus leapt up and started hovering upon hearing that.

“Bear!? Is that even legal?”

Luna giggled. “It is when they donate it of their own free will. Now come here. I’d like you to join in my most important work.”

“What could be more important than making stars?” Orpheus asked as he gently let himself down onto the carpet, confident that it was ethically sourced. He trotted over to Luna.

“You'll see. Now touch your wing to my horn.” Luna then closed her eyes.

Orpheus raised an eyebrow. Really? Well, ok. He then gingerly raised his bat wing to touch Luna’s horn. When it connected, he felt was could only be described as his mind pinching as his mouth opened to scream and his eyes slammed shut. When he opened them, he was greeted with a plain of pure white, Luna standing beside him. Orpheus looked around. “What is this?”

“This,” Luna said, “is the dream nexus.”

“Well, there aren’t any dreams here.” Luna let out a soft chuckle.

“Of course there aren’t, I haven’t cycled through the æther yet.” A series of windows then appeared in front of Orpheus’s eyes. “These are the dreams. Windows into the psyche, revealer of the darkest secrets.” The windows then cycled through, showing various scenes of love, fame, and fortune. They eventually settled on a dark nightmare, where changelings were being attacked by a dragon. “Why don’t we try this one?”

Orpheus stared at Luna. “This one?”

“Yes, this one.” Luna then raised an eyebrow, smiling at Orpheus. “Haven’t you always wanted to be a knight in shining armor?”

Orpheus stared at Luna. “I think that would be most inappropriate.”

Luna furrowed her brow, looking down, a hoof raised to her chin. “I suppose you’re right, changelings don’t really have a knight archetype…”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Luna stared at Orpheus. “Then what do you mean?”

“Well, Shining Armor is married to Princess Cadance.”

Luna stared at Orpheus, bemused. It then hit her, whereupon she smacked Orpheus on the back of the head, Orpheus chuckling. Luna then chuckled. “My, what a foul mouth you have, Orpheus. I didn’t know you had a sense of humor.”

Orpheus quickly collected himself. “I aim to please, your majesty.”

“That you do. But my point still stands. Changelings don’t have knights. But they do have soldiers…” Luna said, staring at Orpheus while tapping her chin with her hoof.

Orpheus stared at Luna’s horn, which was glowing blue. “What are you doing, Princess—“ he started before a blast of magic hit him. Strange, he didn’t feel any different. He looked down only to find that his legs were black, marred with holes. He looked back to find that his wings were insect-like. He felt up the top of his head to find a jagged horn atop of it. “Princess—” he started before cringing at the sound of his own voice, which sounded like two stones scraping gravel together. “Princess, you’ve appeared to have turned me into a changeling.”

Luna nodded. “That I have. Now, off you go!” She then smacked Orpheus on the rump, launching him into the dream. What he discovered inside was abject horror as changelings were running across the hive, some hiding behind stalagmites, others running down hallways. Orpheus then heard a low rumble behind him. He slowly turned his head to find a black dragon behind him, clawing and scraping at changelings, smacking them against the walls of the cave. It them locked its eyes upon Orpheus and opened its mouth, sucking in. Orpheus was too terrified to move, never having faced down a dragon before. The dragon then expelled a gout of acid at Orpheus, whereupon he raised his arms and closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable.

The inevitable never came. Strange, I should be a puddle by now. He then opened his eyes to find a bubble of green surrounding him. What’s this? Oh, I’m a changeling. I have magic now. He then scanned around the cave, looking for a weapon to improvise. He found a stalactite hanging above the dragon’s head. Ok, how does this work? Let’s see, focus on the stalactite, and push it down. He then focused his mind on the stalactite, when the dragon took a swipe at him. His training kicked in as he shot into the air, still focusing on the stalactite, which didn’t appear to be budging. The dragon’s tail flew at him, Orpheus dodging down in response. Ok, wresting it didn’t seem to work. He then spat a blast of magic at the base of the stalactite which caused it to fall, impaling the dragon’s head, fastening it to the floor as it let out a final cry of defeat. Everyling present peeked their heads out, trying to figure out what was going on. One of the changelings then shouted, “He’s slain the drake!”

“Three cheers for 2014!”

“Hurrah!”

The changelings swarmed Orpheus as he reflexively blocked, still in battle mode. He was shocked, however, when the changelings lifted him up on their backs and carried him deeper into the hive. He then felt his body warp as he was sucked back into the Nexus, Luna giving a knowing glance as Orpheus. Orpheus stared down at himself to find that he was a thestral again.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

Luna chuckled. “How was it being a hero?”

Orpheus thought on that for a second. “It felt...nice.”

“Well, I’m glad that you liked it.” Orpheus then felt his mind pinch again as he appeared back in Luna’s room, her eyes still closed. She then opened her eyes and shook her head. “My, changeling dreams always take so much out of me.” She then looked at Orpheus. “Come on, it’s almost time for dinner.”

Orpheus raised an eyebrow. “Dinner?”

“Yes, dinner. Or dinner for me, anyway. Now come on. Tia and I need a judge.” She cantered out of her room, Orpheus following. A judge? This can’t end well...

Peering into Percipience

Orpheus had followed Luna to a dining area, which was completely empty. Luna pulled out a seat at the table in the middle and sat down. She then pulled out another seat and nodded at Orpheus. Orpheus stared at the seat, then approached and sat down. A servant rushed up to the table. “What’ll it be for the two of you?”

Orpheus stared down. What should I have? He then looked up to the servant. “I’ll have a piece of apple pie.” The servant nodded and looked at Luna.

“Nothing for me before Princess Celestia gets here, thank you. I’ve got to save my appetite.” The servant nodded and briskly trotted away He soon came out with a piece of apple pie, drizzled in caramel and placed it in front of Orpheus. Orpheus nodded.

“Thank you, Medium Rare.” The servant smiled and nodded, then trotted off. Orpheus began to chow down on the pie, lost in its gooey goodness. He raised his head to see that Princess Celestia had joined them. He quickly leapt out his chair and bowed deeply. “My apologies, your serene highness. I didn’t notice you come in.”

“Well, the pie is exquisite here. I’m glad you've enjoyed it so much. Now rise and take your seat.” Orpheus did as commanded. Luna then eyed down Celestia.

“You ready, sister?” Celestia eyed down Luna back.

“I’m ready if you are.”

“Well then,” Luna said as she slammed her hoof on the table, the thrum vibrating throughout, “bring out the main course!” Two servants brought out two huge trays of breaded goods and placed one in front of each princess. What’s this? Orpheus raised an eyebrow.

“You may be wondering what’s going on right now, Orpheus.” Princess Celestia said.

“Yes, quite, your serene highness.” Orpheus said, not caring how she knew his name.

Luna had a smile on her face. “Well, Tia is going to Neighpon tomorrow, and it appears that one of their favorite pastimes is competitive eating, so she and I are going to have an eating contest!” Orpheus facehooved at that. What in the hay is wrong with royalty these days?

“You may be wondering what’s wrong with us right now, Orpheus,” Celestia said, which Orpheus sat straight up at. How did she know? “Usually when somepony facehooves, they’re wondering what’s wrong with us.” Orpheus turned his head and stared at Celestia, sweating. How did she know that? Celestia giggled. “Years and years of experience have taught me how to read a pony like an open book. As for what’s wrong with us...being immortals gets boring after awhile, so we try not to limit our activities.”

Orpheus nodded “So, what are you eating today?” he asked as he smelled the fried goods in front of him. “It doesn’t smell like any vegetable I’ve ever tried.”

Luna giggled. “That’s because it’s not a vegetable.”

Orpheus smelled again. There was something familiar about it. “Is it a fruit?” Luna shook her head. “Well, then, what is it?”

“Rattlesnake,” Luna said, at which Orpheus recoiled.

“Rattlesnake!? Can you even digest that properly?”

Celestia nodded her head. “Alicorns are omnivorous in nature, but we try to limit ourselves to fruit and vegetables in order to better connect with our people,” she said as she lifted her lip, revealing a canine. Orpheus nodded.

Luna giggled. “Yeah, you really connected with the people the day you ate pony.” Orpheus shot straight up at that.

Celestia glared at Luna. “I thought we agreed to never speak of that in front of ponies…”

Luna shook her head. “No, he’s cool.”

Celestia kept glaring at Luna. “I don’t think you understand the meaning of that word.” Luna then got up out of her chair, trotted over to Luna, and whispered something into her ear. Celestia nodded, then her cheeks bulged out as she tried to contain her laughter, then quickly collected herself. Luna trotted back to her chair and sat back down, obviously pleased with herself.

“So, tell me, how did you happen upon eating pony, your serene highness?” Orpheus asked.

Celestia chuckled. “Well, we tasked ourselves with finding survivors after one of Bloody Mary’s attacks. I think it was Saraneighvo, and we found this dead earth pony, when Luna dared me to eat a piece of it. So I ripped off a leg, cooked it with my magic, and ate the whole damn thing.”

“How did it taste?”

Celestia shook her head. “Terrible. It was tough and gamey. Never had the urge to eat pony again.” Orpheus sighed in relief. At least they’re not secretly cannibals. “What, were you worried we were secretly cannibals?” Orpheus shot up in his chair again. How did she do that!? “Centuries of experience, my little pony.” Orpheus facehooved. How do I get myself into these messes? “Because you deign to associate with royalty.” Orpheus’s eyes widened at that. Why do you torture me so? “Because I can.”

“So...Luna said that you needed a judge. I guess it’s for the eating contest?” Orpheus said, quickly changing the subject.

Luna nodded. “Yes. You are here to count how much rattlesnake we eat. Ready, Tia?”

“Ready.” Celestia seemed bored.

“Then begin.” Orpheus said. Instantly, the two alicorns seemed to morph from beautiful creatures into disgusting pigs before Orpheus’s very eyes as they shoveled the fried rattlesnake down their throats. When their plates were empty, they both slammed their hooves into the table and shouted, “MORE!” almost simultaneously. Two servants quickly came out and put down two more plates of rattlesnake in front of the alicorns, whereupon they started pigging out again. “”MORE!” they shouted simultaneously as they slammed their hooves on the table once again. Two servants expediently came out with more rattlesnake, whereupon they started stuffing their faces again.

This process continued for quite some time, where they would wolf down rattlesnake and slam their hooves into the table, and more servants would serve them rattlesnake. Eventually, their pace slowed down as their devouring turned into chewing, and their chewing soon turned into pecking. Finally, their pecking was done as both sisters were done. They kept trying to put another bite of rattlesnake in their mouths, but would quickly veer away at the last second, afraid of what eating more would do to them. Luna finally said, “So...who won...Orpheus?” Orpheus was staring in shock at the gluttonous display he had just witnessed. “Orpheus? Who won?”

Orpheus quickly shook his head, then stood up. “Well, Princess Luna, you’ve somehow managed to eat one thousand, five hundred bites of rattlesnake.” Luna grinned at that. “However, Princess Celestia has eaten one thousand, five hundred, and one. I’m going to have to declare Her Serene Highness the winner.” Celestia grinned weakly at that. Luna glared at Celestia.

“I demand a recount!” She blared.

“And how do you suppose we do that? Weigh our vomit?” Celestia asked.

Luna giggled. “I suppose not. Heh, I guess you’re the better mare.” Luna weakly offered a hoof to Celestia, who bumped it back. “Good show, Tia.” Celestia giggled.

“Good show indeed.”

Luna then turned to Orpheus. “Orpheus, you’re relieved for today. You may go home. It was a pleasure having you around.”

Orpheus nodded and bowed. “The pleasure was all mine, my liege.” He then trotted out of the dining area and walked out of the castle, when the sun was raised. Orpheus then took flight and headed home.

Dinner and a Dance

Orpheus stood outside of Princess Luna’s private chambers, not knowing what to expect of this date. He hadn’t been on a date in a long time. The door then opened, revealing a green unicorn mare with a blue mane wearing a simple white dress. The mare looked at Orpheus and shook her head. “That simply won’t do, Orpheus!”

Orpheus looked down upon himself, seeing the ceremonial armor he had put on earlier this evening. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing? This is how I always dress, my liege.”

Princess Luna shook her head again. “You can’t accompany me wearing that! That’ll sell me out instantly,” Luna said as she charged up her horn, “and the name is Verdant Night.” She then fired a bolt of magic at Orpheus. He looked down to see that he was wearing a tuxedo jacket with a button-down shirt.

“Where are my weapons?”

Princess Luna giggled, “Silly colt, you’re not going to need weapons where we’re going. And besides, I put your flashbang in your left inner breast pocket.” Orpheus quickly felt his left breast, noticing the lump. Well, at least we can make a quick getaway.

“Well, where are we going...Verdant Night?” Orpheus looked down. “Permission to speak freely, my liege?”

“Granted.”

“That has to be the most ridiculous Luna-damned name I’ve ever heard.”

Luna, or rather, Verdant Night giggled. “That’s why it’s perfect.”

Orpheus shook his head. “So, where are we going, anyway?”

“The Hive.” Orpheus grunted at that. Verdant Night raised an eyebrow. “You have no right to complain. I’m paying, after all. Now come on. Escort me out.” Verdant Night then walked down the hallway. Orpheus sighed, then followed.

The Hive was not what Orpheus was expecting. He had heard rumors of it being a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but there was no way that the Art Deco decorations in the front could house anything so sinister. Orpheus and Verdant Night trotted in, welcomed by the smooth silkiness of jazz music. Verdant Night trotted up to the Maitre’D. “Two for Verdant Night?”

The Maitre’D looked in his reservation book, then nodded, grabbing two menus with his magic. “Right this way,” he said as he led the two into the dining hall, which had a dance floor in the middle. “Would you like a booth or a table?”

“A booth, please.” Verdant Night said.

“Preferably one where I can have my back to a wall.” Orpheus added. The Maitre’D looked around, spotting the perfect table for them, sitting them down and presenting them with their menus. Orpheus nodded to him as he nodded back and trotted away. Orpheus grabbed the menu in his bat wings and looked it over. Well, let’s see here...seventy bits for a salad? Surely there’s something less expensive...wait, what’s this!? Five hundred bits for eggplant!? Orpheus made to stand up, when Verdant Night kicked him in his shins, causing him to wince in pain as he sat back down.

“What were you trying to do?” Verdant Night asked.

“I was trying to leave. This place is highway robbery!” Orpheus hissed harshly. Verdant Night chuckled. “I don’t see what’s so funny about these prices, your—” he started before Verdant Night gave him a glare that could scare Death himself, ”—Verdant Night.” A waiter then came up to them, a changeling.

“Welcome to the Hive, we are delighted that you chose our location to dine this fine evening. My designation in the Hive is 1987, and I’ll be your server for the remainder of your stay. What will the Sir and Lady have to drink?”

Verdant Night chuckled. “I’ll have a Tequilla Sunrise, and my coltfriend here will have a Screwdriver.” Orpheus’s eyes grew wide at that. The changeling seemed frozen in time, then shook its head. “Your drink orders have been processed. They should arrive—”

“—momentarily.” Another changeling cut in as he brought the ordered drinks. “My designation in the Hive is 1960, and you can also ask for me if you need anything.” Nineteen-sixty bowed its head and briskly trotted out. Nineteen-eighty-seven gave a dirty glare in its direction, then turned its head to the couple. “Have you decided on your main course yet?”

Orpheus opened his mouth but was quickly cut off by Verdant Night. “Yes, we’ll both have the eggplant parmesan.” The changeling froze for a second, then shook its head again.

“Your order has been processed. Have a pleasant evening. You can ask for me if you need anything.” It then briskly trotted away. Orpheus glared at Verdant Night.

“Really? Having me drink on the job?”

Verdant Night giggled as she took a sip of her drink. “I don’t see what the problem is. As far as you should be concerned, you’re just out on a date with a lovely mare.” Orpheus shrugged, then picked up his screwdriver and took a sip, scrunching his face afterwards. Hm, not bad. A bit heavy on the vodka, though. Nineteen-eighty-seven then came out with their eggplant.

“Do you need anything else while I’m here?”

“No, that’ll be all, thank you.” Verdant Night said, picking up a fork and knife with her magic and delicately cutting the eggplant.

“Well, if you need anything, just flag me down.” Nineteen-eighty-seven nodded and trotted away. Orpheus stared at the eggplant in front of him, then shrugged and picked up a fork and knife in his bat wings, cutting the eggplant roughly and taking a bite. Huh, not bad. He cut another piece off and ate it. I wouldn’t say five hundreds bits good, but not bad all the same. A waltz started up, the jazz band from before apparently having been replaced with a string quartet. Verdant Night raised her head.

“Ooh, I love this song! Come on, let’s dance!” Verdant Night hopped out of her seat and grabbed Orpheus’s arm, dragging him out of the booth.

“I don’t...really dance…” Orpheus tried to explain, but Verdant Night wasn’t having any of that.

“It’s easy. Just put your hooves here—” she said as she placed a hoof on her left hip and the other on her shoulder, “—and let the music do the talking.” Orpheus shrugged and started dancing with Verdant Night, stumbling a bit until he got the footwork down. Doesn’t seem to be that hard—as he bumped into another dancing couple.

“Hey, watch it, mister!”

“Sorry!” he offered as he put his hooves in their proper positions and continued dancing with Verdant Night. As the song played on, they were able to do different moves, including a Whisk, a Chasse, and a Natural spin turn, although Orpheus noticed that they were heading closer to the door. When Verdant Night finally reached the door, she pulled Orpheus through it into an alleyway, where they ended up on all fours again.

Orpheus glared at Verdant Night. “Really? Dine and Ditch?”

Verdant Night giggled as she trotted down the alleyway. “Weren’t you the one saying the prices were highway robbery?”

“Verdant Night, this is highly inappropriate!”

Verdant Night looked over her shoulder at Orpheus. “What are you going to do, arrest me?”

Orpheus sighed, shook his head and started to trot down the alley himself when he felt something heavy land on him, knocking him off of his hooves and pinning him to the ground. He then felt a breath on his ear and a stiletto knife pointed in his face, wrapped in a green glow. “Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?” the breath finally said.

Orpheus furrowed his brow. I’ve read that before...I think it was in one of the police reports that the local precincts keeps handing over to the Night Guard. It then hit him like a sack of bricks.

“Cutup.” Orpheus growled.

Pranks and Paperwork

The changeling on Orpheus’s back let out a cackle. “So, it appears my name is well known.”

Orpheus snorted. Nineteen-forty, alias Cutup. Wanted for fifteen Thestral slayings around Canterlot. Cutup then pulled Orpheus’s head back by his mane, where Orpheus could clearly see the rictus grin carved into the changeling’s face. “So, you wanna hear how I got these scars?”

Already read how. ALL of the ways how. This is my chance. “No, but I know how you got this one!” Orpheus roared as he reached above his head and grabbed the changeling’s horn and pulled sharply downwards, snapping it off, hearing it clang on the cobblestones in front of him along with the stiletto it was holding in its magic. He then rose to his hooves and sharply bucked it off, glancing at Verdant Night. Verdant Night smiled and waved, pointing at the detached horn on the ground. Orpheus glared and sighed, then picked up the horn in his wing, taking a crouched battle stance.

By this time, Cutup had righted itself and was now pulling out another stiletto from the purple jacket it was wearing, grasping it in its hoof. “Why so serious, Batsy?” it asked as it turned its head upside down, sending a chill down Orpheus’s spine. Orpheus snorted. He didn’t even feel the horn being ripped off. Must be hopped up on something. A flash of realization flashed across Cutup’s upside-down face. “I know what’ll turn that frown upside down, Batsy,” it said as its head slowly righted itself, “a party! So let’s get this party started and put a smile on that face!” Cutup then zoomed directly towards Orpheus, cackling madly with its stiletto raised. Orpheus raised the horn in his grasp just in time to deflect the blow, Cutup reeling back. Cutup then dashed forward and started making wild slashes with its stiletto, Orpheus blocking them all. “Come on, batpony, I wanna see you smile!” it screamed as it continued its wild flailing.

Orpheus kept blocking, looking for an opening, but the changeling was swinging too wildly. He found his chance as Cutup swung wide. Orpheus stabbed down on Cutup’s hoof, causing it to drop the blade. Cutup, however, did not seem phased. Instead, it swung the hoof that was holding the stiletto in a wide haymaker, which Orpheus handily blocked...much to his chagrin. Thousands of volts of electricity ran through Orpheus, stunning him. The changeling then disengaged its hock, revealing a joy buzzer attached to it. Orpheus fell to his haunches, panting. Cutup then dropped to his knees and pumped its hoof. “Nailed it! I always have a trick up my sleeve!”

Orpheus snorted weakly as he reached into his left breast pocket. “Well, you may have a trick up your sleeve, but I have an ace in the hole.”

Cutup giggled madly. “An ace in the hole? How dro—ACK!” it started before Orpheus threw the flashbang, lodging it in Cutup’s throat with one swift throw.

Orpheus stood up and gripped the horn that he had dropped in his electrocution. “What’s the matter, Cutup, cat got your tongue?” he asked as he slowly walked towards the villain. He then hefted the horn in his wing, pointing it towards Cutup’s larynx. “Well, let me help you clear your THROAT!” he shouted as he stabbed the horn deep into Cutup’s neck. A loud bang was heard as light escaped from Cutup’s eyes, mouth, and newly minted neck hole as its head twitched back. Orpheus pulled the horn out of Cutup’s neck, whereupon Cutup dropped to the ground, its eyes burned out.

“That’s not funny…” Cutup said weakly before passing out. The sound of applause was heard from down the alleyway as Orpheus looked up to see Verdant Night clapping in celebration.

“What a marvelous show, Orpheus!” Verdant Night cheered. Orpheus shook his head and trotted over to Verdant Night.

“Do you realize who that is?”

Verdant Night put a chin to her hoof. “Well, I heard you call him Cutup, but that name doesn’t ring a bell.”

Orpheus sighed. “That’s Nineteen-forty, alias Cutup. He’s an Individual.”

Verdant Night raised an eyebrow. “Individual?”

Orpheus nodded. “A group of changelings that have been excommunicated from the hive. They apparently don’t like bat ponies, for some reason. They’re extremely dangerous.” Verdant Night giggled. Orpheus glared at her.

“Well, it appears your training has finally been put to good use.”

“What? That’s all you say? I could have been killed!”

Verdant Night shook her head, turning back into Princess Luna. “But you weren’t. Now let’s get this ruffian in the castle dungeon.” A blue glow was cast around the changeling as Luna picked it up, then flew off. Orpheus shook his head and followed after her.

After locking Cutup in the palace dungeon, Orpheus proceeded to the least favorite part of a bust:Paperwork. He sighed as he shuffled around the dungeon office, looking for the right forms to fill out, pleased to find that they were all well-stocked. He then sat down at the desk, grabbed a quill in his bat wing, and started the laborious process. First, there was the Victims’ Assistance report. That was me, so I don’t really have to fill that out. He put that to the side. He then picked out three more forms and labeled them Assault with a deadly weapon, attempted murder and unlawful possession of a weapon. He then sat there for a second, thinking if he was forgetting anything. He got up and grabbed another form and sat down. Loitering. Orpheus grinned. There, that should cover all the bases. He then got to the protracted process of filling out all of the papers correctly. After two hours, he was finished. He looked over the paperwork, checking if every i was dotted and t was crossed. Satisfied that there were no errors, he continued on to his least favorite part of his least favorite part: the arrest notes. These took about an hour as well, as he went into the gory details of the incident and how the ghoul had come into custody. Satisfied with his work, he leaned back in his chair, savoring the small break he afforded himself. He then heard a knocking at the door, causing him to sit up sharply. Who could be knocking at this hour? “Come in.”

A blue glow wrapped the door, revealing Princess Luna. Orpheus quickly got out of his chair and bowed. “My liege.”

“You may rise.” Orpheus rose, wondering where the flighty mare he had been with had gone. Princess Luna bit her lip, then paced around the room. “It occurs to me that my actions tonight were...less than royal. I abused my power to force you to violate workplace policy as well as the laws that Equestria holds so dear.” Luna then looked into Orpheus’s eyes. “And besides that, I put your life in danger for my own amusement. It was wrong of me to place those burdens upon you, and I hope you can accept my apology.” Orpheus chuckled at that, to which Luna raised an eyebrow. “Why are you laughing? I’m being completely serious.”

Orpheus stopped chuckling and said, “You have no need to apologize, your majesty. Although I may have been cross with you earlier, that was just my Night Guard training kicking in. In all actuality, I’m glad that you didn’t intervene in the scuffle earlier today—”

“—but he electrocuted you! From what I understand, that’s dangerous to ponies!”

Orpheus waved a hoof. “Nonetheless, I’m glad that you didn’t intervene. It gave me a chance to test out my skills in a real fight, which I should be thanking you for.” Orpheus snickered. “Plus, now I have a good story to tell my wife and kids when I go home later. As for the lawbreaking, I didn’t enjoy that as much. Please never ask me to do that again.”

Luna nodded, a smile dancing across her features. “That sounds great.” She then took a seat at the desk and rolled out a huge map of Canterlot, with areas circled that were marked with W’s. Orpheus trotted over and looked at the map.

“What’s this, your majesty?”

“This is a map I found in the guardroom with sightings of another Individual, Nineteen-ninety-three, Codename, ‘Woe’. I figure we can hunt him next.”

Orpheus looked around uneasily. “Isn’t that the changeling that broke Mare-Do-Well’s back?”

Luna nodded eagerly. “They very one! Now what do you say you give him the old what-for?”

Orpheus gulped.