Twilight Sparkle,
You know your life has taken a wrong turn when you end up feeling sorry for just about everything you do. Ponies hate me so much, I sometimes come home feeling that just breathing is a crime. So once again I find myself apologizing for my mistakes. Firstly, I’m sorry I sent this to you. You don’t owe me anything, and I know that. I owe you everything. I owe you for all the pain I caused and all the ponies I hurt. And I guess I owe you again, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to pay off this debt.
I don’t have the strength to make things better. I’ve tried and I’ve tried… but I’m tired. Tired of living. Tired of being who I am. I’m tired of all the stares, of all the ponies whispering my name as I pass by, of all the laughter I hear that I don’t deserve to join in on.
The thing is, I tell myself that I’m ‘great’ and ‘powerful’ to trick myself into believing it. All that boasting and showiness wasn’t intended to hurt anypony… just heal somepony. One pony in particular. That was me.
I realize now that I shouldn’t make everything about me. That’s all I seem to be good at. Here I am begging for some sympathy at the hooves of a pony that should rightfully hate me, and probably does. This letter may seem like a cry for help, but I’m past those. By the time you read this, I’ll be gone anyways. There’s no need to worry about me. No, it’s not a cry for help… I’m just here to say thank you.
If you’re reading this, that must mean you care. I’m not sure how to thank you for that. I’m not accustomed to ponies liking me. Then again, it’s only wishful thinking to say that you like me. That’s just unheard of. After all I put you through, I don’t have any right to be sitting here, writing this final letter to somepony so loved and admired. I’m just writing to stall time, really. I’m not sure I want to do this. I’ve got everything I need. All I need is a gun anyways.
I’m just… scared.
I was never a brave pony, as you know. But this seems like a chance to take matters into my own hooves and I just find it so disappointing that once again… I fall short. I’m too afraid to pull the trigger. I’m not afraid of what lies on the other side of a bullet through my brain… what I’m afraid of is what I’ll leave behind.
Nothing.
When I die, nopony will say ‘it’s a shame’ or ‘I’ll miss her’. They’ll say ‘good riddance’
But even so, at least they know who I am. What really scares me is that when I die, nopony will remember me at all. I’m just a nameless face. An unmarked grave. At my funeral, will anypony cry?
Will anypony even arrive in the first place?
Most ponies question what lies after death, but not me. I know what comes after is better. If I go to heaven, I don’t deserve it. And the other way? At least I’ll be content knowing that I’m getting what I paid for.
If there’s nothing after death… I’m alright with that. I’d rather be numb than feel what I feel. The only time I’ve ever been happy was when I was asleep anyways.
Trixie I’ve made my decision.
I’m doing it. Please don’t try and save me. I’m a lost cause. I don’t want to bring you any more trouble than I already have.
Goodbye, Twilight Sparkle.
Or should I say… goodnight.
Sincerely,
Trixie
I lowered the letter from my line of vision, folding it and placing it gently on the thick glass top of the casket. My hoof slid across the transparent surface, inadvertently brushing away a few of the rose petals that scattered the coffin. My eyes followed them as they drifted lazily down, twirling as they went in a whirl of soft pink, and rested on the top of the thick, uncut grass.
For a while I stood there before the sea of onlooking mourners, wondering how I should begin to speak about something that was so important to me.
“I-I never know what to say to these things,” I finally began with a choked laugh, tears already welling in my eyes, “I felt the same way when I first recieved the letter, I tried writing a response to help me cope, even though I knew it would be a letter Trixie would never read… but I realize now that I don’t need a letter, I just need my words… words from my heart. “
I gazed out into the rows of lawn chairs placed neatly across the field, searching for five familiar faces among the crowd. There they were, smiling up at me with tears in their eyes, yet proud smiles on their faces. I now know what to say.
“Those are the very best kind of words,” I sniffled, my voice faltering for a moment’s time, “I just wish that I had the words back then, back when Trixie was with us, because maybe… just maybe… I could’ve saved her. Maybe if I had smiled a little more and maybe if I had remembered to send her a card on her birthday…”
I was crying freely by this time, my tears streaming down my face and tickling my muzzle as they dripped to the ground.
“Maybe if I had taken the time to get to know Trixie a little better, maybe I could’ve called her a close friend… if there’s a heaven out there, all I know is that Trixie is there. All I know is that the entire town gathered for the funeral of a mare who didn’t even know she had friends… and all I know is that sometimes there aren’t enough words to express how much we love somepony. Maybe if I had those words, Trixie would know how much we cared… and she would finally know that for that, there was never any doubt.”
