Niko and Roman's Adventures in Ponyland

by lagg3il2

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Tirek, Comedy
Length: 3296

Niko and Roman from the Grand Theft Auto series end up in Equestria, and they aren't happy about it.

Niko and Roman encounter a villian from Equestria in Liberty city. When bullets didn't kill him, the villain sent Roman and Niko to Ponyville to suffer for the rest of their lives.

Right when all the drama ended, Niko is stuck with Roman in Equestria. How will he survive?

Will Roman stop being a fatass?

Will Little Jacob stop smoking so much weed?

Will Brucie's balls ever recover from shrinking so much from overdosing on steroids?

This story takes place after the Revenge ending. Please beat the game and shit because I hate spoiling people and I hate getting spoiled.

Published 2014-06-10 22:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-12 07:35:32 UTC

Chapter 1

Fanfiction is fiction made by fans. You're stupid if you think that I own FiM or GTA. FANFICTION. FAN.

To Niko Bellic, this day was just another day in liberty city. He strolled down the streets of Liberty City, emotionless. He had a lot to deal with after Kate died, but at least Pegorino is dead. He pushes through crouds of people and others alike, and then crosses a intersection while the cars where stopped. He had to make it to his cousin, Roman, from the hospital. As he makes it closer to pick Roman up from the hospital from an incident that involved a motorbike and vodka, Roman notices him before Niko comes within view.

"Cousin! Is good thing you're coming here to pick me up! Where's the car?" Roman says.

"I walked here, you idiot." Niko said.

"You should have said so! Come, let us walk!" Roman says with bounce in his step.

One thing Niko notices about Roman is that he's in his original clothes that he wore when he picked up Niko from the ship. He doesn't know why, Roman practically wore it nearly everyday. Niko and Roman walk down the sidewalk, enjoying the oddly peaceful day in Liberty City. Ever since Niko killed Pegorino, the crime rates took a steep downhill and are very little. Everyone in the city is uncomfortable.

Niko was kind of glad he gave up crime life, but he still kept his weapons on hand because you never know what will happen. There is an oddly gay looking hot dog stand just ahead where Niko and his cousin are walking.

"Hey, cousin. Want to get some hotdogs?" Niko says.

"Eh, why the fuck not? I can always go for slowly killing myself with fatty American foods!" Roman replied.

"Great. I'll pay, don't worry." said Niko.

"Oh, I never worry! Me and you, we're rich! Living the American dream!" Roman said.

"Huh. I guess you're right for once." said Niko.

"Hey!"

Niko ignored what Roman had to say and made his way up to the stand.

"Hotdogs! I will let you suck on them!" said a fat man who was behind the pink and rainbow colored stand. "Extra special! Pony Rainbow themed hotdogs today!"

"I'll take two of them." said Niko.

"Enjoy your hotdogs!" said the fat man after Niko shelled out 10 dollars and received his hotdogs.

Niko thought the hotdogs looked odd. The buns where rainbow colored and the wiener looked like an actual wiener at first glance. Niko then started walking with Roman again before handing Roman one of the hotdogs. Roman, however, didn't think anything of the hotdogs being oddly colored and shaped, and ate his in less than 10 seconds. Oddly enough, everything seemed to go quiet. Cars weren't making any noise, and pedestrians weren't making any, either. Niko and Roman apparently didn't notice this.

"That was a good hotdog, Niko. Are you going to have yours?" Roman said. Niko thought for a moment.

"No, you can have it." Niko said. Roman had a little more skip in his step as Niko handed him his dick hotdog.

"Thanks, cousin! You know how to make a fat man hap- hey what the fuck is that?"

Out of pure instinct Niko pulls out his MAC-10. As he looks at where Roman is looking, Niko is just as confused as Roman. Just 6 feet infront of hem, there's this thing that looked like someone put a monkey with sunburns all over it on a horse. What was odd too, was that the pedestrians where gone, along with every car that was rolling along on the street next to the sidewalk they where walking on.

"What the fuck?" says Niko, cautiously.

"I am Lord Tirek, you monkey." said the monkey horse thing. Roman, however, didn't quite catch that.

"You're one to talk, your name is Lord Dick and you're a monkey! What are you gonna do, spank yourself? Pfffhahaha!" said Roman. Niko gave Roman the hand signal to shut the fuck up, and Roman did so quickly, because Niko has a look in his eye.

"You will give me your magic, or I will take it by force!" said Tirek.

"What magic? Are you on Little Jacob's weed?" said Roman.

"I am Lord Tirek, and I am on the ground!" said Tirek.

"I'm getting sick of your shit. What do you want?" Niko said.

"I want to punish you for not giving me your magic! Hand it over!" Tirek demands, as he pushes over Roman and pins him to the ground.

"The only thing I'm gonna give you, is a stomach full of lead you abomination!" Niko yells.

Niko aims his SMG and fires, leaving a bunch of bullet holes in Tirek. Tirek, however, doesn't appear to be fazed by it.

"Your technology may be superior to mine, but it won't stop me from punishing you!" shrieks Tirek. Tirek then opens his mouth impossibly large and then forms some kind of energy ball and engulfs Roman in it. Roman's screams are cut off short as he disappears into thin air.

"ROMAN!" Niko screams. Niko then grabs his knife and tackles Tirek, and then starts to frantically jab him furiously. It does no damage, and the same thing happened to Niko as he is pinned down and engulfed in an energy ball. Niko feels fire and pain all over his body, and before he knows it, it ends. He then sits up, realizing he isn't in Liberty City anymore, but in the middle of a 16th century styled village. Surprisingly, it looks clean and bright in the colors. Looking around, Niko notices Roman cuddled up in a ball, sobbing about 4 feet away from him.

"Roman, are you alright?" Niko says as he gets up to check on Roman.

"C-c-cousin... where are you..." Roman said.

"I'm right here, Roman. Get up." says Niko.

Niko then starts to assess himself after he made sure Roman isn't gonna break into pieces. He appears to be fine, and even his weapons are with him. He even has his phone on him, and it's battery isn't dead, like always.

"Roman, get up. I'm here."

"Niko? Is that you?" Roman says, scared.

"Yes, you fatty, get up and help me find out where we are!" Niko says.

"R-right!" says Roman as he gets up, seemingly recovered.

Niko and Roman then walk around, trying to find clues to where they are.

"Oh no.. I can't believe this. I just got married and settled down! How can this happen?" Roman said.

"I'm just glad we are still alive, Roman. We have bigger things to worry about than marriage." said Niko.

Roman silently nods in agreement, and looks around nervously with Niko. The two walk around aimlessly, finding no life signs whatsoever in the village. Though, when they got close to one of the buildings, they heard a few nervous and scared murmurs, and that unsettled them. When they tried to open the doors on said buildings, they where locked. Finally, they come to a big circular junction with a bunch of buildings surrounding it.

"Hey! Maybe someone is in the gingerbread house there!" Roman says. This causes Niko to look at the building in question. There is a sign on it that reads "Sugar Cube Corner."

"Maybe. Let's go check."

The cousins walk up to the house and open the door, since they both figured it was a public place of some sort. When they get inside, they are confused as ever, and the creatures inside are confused as ever, too. There appeared to be a bunch of small horses of all different colors in there, about half the height of Roman. And they are looking at Niko and Roman with a mix of fear, confusion, and curiousity in their eyes. By the looks of it, they where all hiding from Niko and Roman.

"Uh, Niko? Are we high, or is someone keeping miniature horses in a gingerbread house?" says Roman.

Author's Note

Leave a comment if I didn't fail too hard.

Chapter 2

Niko looked around the big room, which appeared to be a bakery of some sort.

"What the fuck?" Niko said.

"I don't like this Niko." Roman managed to say.

Niko and Roman both where startled when one of the small horse things spoke.

"Please don't eat us!" said a small white horse, which appeared to be a unicorn. All the small horses in the room looked at her angrily for speaking, and then jumped when Niko walked toward them.

Niko ignored the plea from the small unicorn, and looked around even more. He noticed that there where all different kinds of small horse things. He may not know what exactly they're called, but there where small horses with wings, with no wings and a horn, and one without a wing or horn. This made him question if he was high, but this was most likely real.

"Don't worry little horse donkey things, me and Roman won't eat you." said Niko.

All the ponies in the room immediately calmed down, and slowly creeped out of the hiding places. Roman then started getting excited.

"Look at little donkies! They are cute, cousin!" Roman said. "And their cupcakes are delicious!" he added after grabbing a nearby cupcake and promptly shoving it in his mouth.

"Shut up, Roman." Niko said. Roman frowned and looked at the ground.

"W-what are you?" said a yellowish pony with a kind of purple mane and tail.

"I could ask the same of you." said Niko.

"I'm a pony..." said the pony like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Niko got fed up with this and flailed his arms in the air, muttering "Fuck." and walked out. Roman looked at the ponies, and waved goodbye while walking out. When they got out, there where ponies walking around everywhere. It seemed the ponies simply forgot about their existence and came out when they heard that the "monsters" where gone.

Walking up to a random blue pony, Niko was going to get an answer.

"Hello? Pony thing?" Niko said.

"What d-do you want? Are you a monster?" asked the pony.

"No, I just want answers. Where am I?"

"You are in Ponyville... in Equestria."

"You are joking, right? You say I am in entire town of fucking ponies?" Niko said, getting a little more stern.

"I'm not joking, so, uh, yes? You haven't seen a pony before?"

"Fuck. Just great."

Niko walked around aimlessly, while Roman followed.

"Shit. We're trapped in a world of ponies, cousin. This is bad." said Niko, "We don't even have a place to stay."

"Cousin, we need to find a place to stay! Maybe ponies will take us into their little pony home and we can figure out how to get home to America?"

"Roman, that has to be the dumbest thing you said today. The ponies won't let us stay even 5 minutes at their home, because they are too afraid of us."

"I will go find place for us, cousin! Don't scare the ponies, stay here!"

Roman ran off, scaring some ponies in his wake, and Niko sat there.

Roman went around, asking pony to pony if he could find somewhere to stay. They all just crept away from him, and this saddened him. Roman had a look of sorrow and determination on his face as he went up to a purple alicorn pony. The pony looked at him and cringed, Roman's smell of booze unsettled her.

"Please, let me and my cousin stay at your lodging! We could help around your pony home and we won't fuck it up!" Roman pleaded the purple pony.

"You and your cousin, the, uh, him over there?" said the pony.

"Yes! We are trapped in pony land, so we need somewhere to stay while we get ourselves up!" Roman said.

"Well, I guess I could take you guys in, I have a spare room. Can you also tell me where you're from and what you are when we get there? I'm sure the princess would like to hear about this." the purple pony said.

"Yes, thank you, purple one! Do you have a name, purple pony?" asked Roman.

"Yes. You may call me Twilight Sparkle." Twilight said.

"What is your name?"

"Roman! And my cousin over there, he's named Niko."

"I think your name is pretty gay, Spankle. But thank you for letting us live with you for a little bit!" said Roman.

"Well, that's the first time someone's called my name a happy name.. do you want me to show you to my home?" Twilight asked.

"Please, thank you!" Roman said, getting more excited by the second.

"Cousin! Come here! I have lodging!" Roman said. Niko was surprised at this and walked over to Roman, half expecting him to get a shitty home.

"Just follow me and Twilight Spankle here, and we will be at new home!"

"Spankle? Sounds like something Bernie would love." said Niko.

"Shut it, Niko. We are getting a home."

Niko and Roman followed Twilight Sparkle to her home. Niko and Roman saw that they weren't going to a house, but a huge fucking tree. Niko was confused.

"This is tree. Where is your home?" asked Niko.

"What are you talking about, this IS my home!" Twilight said. She then opened a door using some kind of horn plasma, which made him jump, considering that he was just boiled in it earlier that day. Niko and Roman gaped. A fucking TREEhouse. Then, Roman looked scared when Twilight opened the door without using her body.

"How did you just do that?" Roman asked.

"Do what?"

"Open the door with the dildo on your face!"

"I don't have a- oh you mean my horn. Haven't you seen magic before?"

"Magic is not real, pony! You are using hellish plasma from the devil!" Roman said, getting scared.

"You... don't have magic?" Twilight asked.

"Er, it's something we will explain later. It's still evil, though."

"It's not- ugh just get in."

Niko and Roman obliged and walked in, not expecting the place to be a library.

"You live in a library?" Niko said.

"Yes! Do they have libraries where you come from?" Twilight asked.

"Not in Liberty City."

"Oh... well. Is that where your from, I'm guessing?"

"Why are you asking stupid questions, Twilight Spankle?"

"It's Twilight Sparkle.So, er, may I ask, what are you?"

"I am a human. But I do not think Roman is. He's a fat ass."

Roman groaned.

"So... why are you in Ponyville?"

"Evil monkey thing sent us here, when we where walking." Roman said.

"I think his name was Dick or something..."

"No, Roman. It's Tirek. That's what the apehorse said." Niko corrected.

"Wait.. you.. you are male right?"

Niko and Roman nodded.

"Okay... just confirming. Anyhow, you guys are trapped here with no way back?"

"We are on Earth, right? In North America?" Niko asked.

"No.. I've never heard of such place! You're in the country of Equestria, in Ponyville!" Twilight Sparkle said.

"Is your whole fucking country a bunch of puns?" Roman said.

Twilight was about to say something, opened her mouth, then closed it with a confused look on her face. Then, she looked like she just had a revelation.

"Oh my Celestia.. I had never noticed!"

"Your what?"

"Celestia! You know, the ruler of this place? The kind princess? Princess Celestia?"

"Why would strangers from another dimension know your country's ruler?" Niko said.

By that point, Twilight Sparkle was on this huge explanation on how great the princess is. It seemed like she completely ignored his question. To Niko and Roman, they couldn't care any less. Roman was forced to take a seat on one of the guest chairs stationed by a bookshelf because he was getting tired of standing there like an idiot. Niko followed him and stood by him, while Twilight was rambling on about.

Roman noticed an odd lizard boy walking towards him

"Hey, uh, who are you?" asked the lizard thing.

"You're a talking lizard?!" gasped Roman. Niko looked over and nearly jumped. Niko was on guard now.

"No.. I'm a dragon." said the miniature dragon.

"Why are you so tiny?" Roman said.

"I'm only a baby dragon... since you're asking me and stuff about what I am, what are you?"

"Me and my cousin, Niko? We're humans. We are trapped here because odd monkey thing called Dick sent us here for no reason." said Roman casually.

"Um.. okay. So, he's Niko, what's your name? My name's Spike! Twilight's number one assistant!" Spike said with a sense of pride in his voice.

"I am Roman! I had it big. Now I lost it." Roman was on the verge of tears right now. Niko patted him on the back.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Roman. Maybe Twilight can help you find a way back. She knows her way around magic really well."

"She can send us back with ma-" Niko was cut off.

"Hey! Why aren't you guys listening?"

"Fuck off. we are talking to Spike here!" said Roman.

"What does fuck even mean?" asked Spike and Twilight at the same time.

"Fuck if I know. Don't use it." said Niko.

"Okay...?" said Spike.

Spike then walked off to do some slave labor while Twilight talked to Roman and Niko about humans and where they're from. Twilight then showed Roman and Niko around the surprisingly big treehouse, and made sure they knew where to go in case of an emergency.

It got pretty late in pony land, so Twilight had to show the cousins to their room for the night.

It was a small room, but big enough for the both of them. There was a couch and a smallish looking bed, and the room was gathering dust from not being used in a while. The hard wood floor creaked when Niko and Roman stepped on it, and this made Roman cringe.

"Tomorrow, I will show you around town and introduce you to my friends! I bet they can't wait to meet you!" Twilight said, standing in the doorway.

"I am tired, donkey! Good night." Roman said before plopping his fat ass on the bed, and snoring moments after. Niko looked at the couch, and then Twilight. It was a tiny couch compared to the bed, and Twilight apparently didn't notice.

"Uh, good night, Twilight Sparkle. Thanks for letting us sleep at your home." Niko said.

"It's no problem at all! Anything for a friend!" Twilight said as she closed the door and trotted away to her room.

Niko stood there for a moment. Friend. Huh.

He then took off his jacket and placed it over him as he laid down on the couch, trying to get comfortable, and then going to sleep.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have encountered two creatures that where in Ponyville today. One was a "human" and the other was a "fat ass." I'm sure you may not know anything of these creatures, but they appear to be friendly enough. I took them into my home, because they said they didn't have a home. A thing named "Tirek" sent them here from their home, "Liberty City." This Tirek wanted magic, and they couldn't give it to it because they are a kind which doesn't possess magic. Do you know anything about Tirek? According to the creatures, they say that this "Tirek" looked like a "Sunburnt Monkey which was slapped on a black horse." Please let me know if you know anything about this Tirek.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

castles would be too good for niko and roman, so i kept twilight's old treehouse.